(As a spaceship streaks through the inky black
void, an axe smashes into a table in the great hall. Two men wearing
heavy fur cloaks are seated.)
IRONGRON: This sheep has been dead a year. Are they trying to poison
BLOODAXE: It is salted.
IRONGRON: Salted? It stinks! Wine! Must I perish of thirst? Bring me
(A serving woman pours from a pitcher into his tankard.)
MEG: 'Tis the dregs of the barrel, Captain. 'Tis the last there is.
(Irongron tries it and spits it out.)
IRONGRON: Sour wine! Stinking meat! Sour wine. Is this how I am served?
BLOODAXE: Our supplies are low, Captain. It's some time since we went
IRONGRON: And meanwhile our fine neighbours feast their bellies full on
fresh meat and swill down flagons of fine wine.
BLOODAXE: Well, Sir Edward's storehouses and cellars are well stocked.
IRONGRON: Then perhaps we should relieve him of some of his abundance,
eh, my friend? He's a good neighbour. He'll not miss a little of his
(Out of the window a bright light descends straight to Earth.)
BLOODAXE: Stars are falling!
IRONGRON: I see only one star.
(There is a pulsing glow in the distance.)
IRONGRON: It has fallen in the forest! Come on, get up, you curs. Get
up! Get up!
(The men stir from where they were sleeping on the floor.)
BLOODAXE: 'Tis an omen. An evil sign.
IRONGRON: It is mine. Irongron's star. I will have it! Hurry, fetch the
BLOODAXE: Hurry? Hurry where?
IRONGRON: To find the star before some knave robs me of it. It landed
BLOODAXE: But the forest is still in darkness! Who knows what demons
may set upon us?
IRONGRON: Why, you chicken-hearted knaves, every man of you!
(Irongron raises his battleaxe at his men, and Bloodaxe restrains him.)
BLOODAXE: It's but an hour till dawn. Let's wait till then. To wait and
see what faces us. We'll follow you then, Captain.
IRONGRON: Let all be made ready. I ride at dawn. Alone if need be.
BLOODAXE: We're with you, Captain.
IRONGRON: Then bring me some wine. We'll drink a toast to Irongron's
(At daybreak the frisky horses carry Irongron and
his men to a clearing where a large metal sphere sits.)
IRONGRON: A star. A fallen star!
BLOODAXE: Careful, Captain. Looks like the devil's work to me.
(A door in the sphere and a squat biped in silver spacesuit and large
helmet with two eye slits comes out. It holds a long rod in one hand.)
IRONGRON: A warrior. A warrior from the stars! Have you come to
challenge me, sky warrior?
(Irongron draws his sword and approaches. The spaceman raises a ray gun
in its other hand, fires, and Irongron's sword vanishes.)
BLOODAXE: Flee for your life, Captain!
IRONGRON: What creature is this?
BLOODAXE: 'Tis a devil from hell.
(It adjusts a device on a belt round its 'waist'.)
LINX: Peace. Fear not. I shall not harm you.
IRONGRON: It speaks. Who are you? Where do you come from?
LINX: I am a Sontaran officer. My name is Linx.
BLOODAXE: I say he's a Saracen. I have heard tales of his Eastern
(Linx plants his rod in the ground. A pair of flags pop out of the top.
He salutes it.)
LINX: By virtue of my authority as an officer of the Army Space Corps,
I hereby claim this planet, its moons and satellites, for the greater
glory of the Sontaran Empire.
(Linx is being held at sword point.)
IRONGRON: Help you? Why should I help you, star warrior? Why should I
not kill you and take your ship and its treasure for myself?
LINX: The ship is in need of repair. Even if it were not, you would
destroy yourself should you tamper with it.
IRONGRON: Then why should I not just slay your for sport? Can you
overcome all of us with your magic?
LINX: You are a soldier, are you not? A warrior?
IRONGRON: I took this castle by force of arms. Those that were here
before me I slew. All the countryside around here pays my tribute.
LINX: Yet no doubt you have enemies. Other warriors who envy your good
IRONGRON: Aye, but they cannot harm me. The King has levied tribute.
All their troops are at the wars.
LINX: And when they return?
IRONGRON: Then we shall fight.
LINX: I can give you weapons. Weapons that can make you master, so that
none dare stand against you. You shall take what castles you will.
IRONGRON: Magic weapons? Like that, that smote the sword from my hand?
LINX: Other weapons fitter for your purpose. Weapons that can strike a
man dead from far away. You can be supreme warrior.
IRONGRON: I can be king. But what do you ask in return, apart from your
LINX: Shelter. A place to conceal my ship and help with its repair. You
have men that can work in metal?
IRONGRON: An armourer to sharpen weapons, a smith with a forge if these
will serve your need.
LINX: I need more, much more. There is damage to the drive mechanism of
my ship. I need alloy, skilled technicians, complex circuitry.
IRONGRON: Oh, we have none of these things of which you speak.
LINX: Then I must take them from those who have.
(A mattress is being rolled out on a metal bed
frame. There is a table and chair and another bed already made.)
DOCTOR: In here, Brigadier?
BRIGADIER: Yes, I'm afraid so, Doctor. Not exactly The Ritz, I know,
but you know it's no joke providing emergency accommodation for all
DOCTOR: All right, Brigadier, you've had your little bit of
mystification. Now I know where I'm supposed to stay, perhaps you we
don't mind telling me why?
BRIGADIER: Well, this place is one of the most top secret security
establishments in the whole country. In fact, most of their work's so
secret they don't even know what they're doing themselves.
BRIGADIER: It's also one of the best guarded places in the country.
Security details, alarm systems.
DOCTOR: I rather gathered that when we arrived. For a moment I thought
they weren't going to let you in.
BRIGADIER: Yes, exactly. Place is almost too security conscious. That's
what makes it all the more puzzling.
DOCTOR: Makes what all the more puzzling? Come on, Brigadier, you can
BRIGADIER: People vanishing.
BRIGADIER: Well, they've lost half a dozen leading scientists and
several million pounds worth of ultra-secret equipment.
DOCTOR: What are they working on here, anyway?
BRIGADIER: Space hardware. New alloys, guidance systems, methods of
DOCTOR: And what action have you taken so far?
BRIGADIER: Well, I'd rather a bright idea. It's rather hard to keep an
eye on all these scientist chaps at home, so I had these cubicles put
up on several floors. Confined the whole lot to barracks. All my eggs
in one basket, so to speak.
DOCTOR: That's fine, so long as no one steals the basket.
(There is a lot of high-tech stuff in here, and
men in somewhat grubby but formerly white lab coats. It is part of the
castle, with flagstone floor. Linx's spaceship has been brought in. A
blacksmith brings anachronistic flintlock rifles for Linx to inspect.
Someone hammers on the heavy oak door.)
BLOODAXE [OC]: Linx? My Lord Linx? Will you open the door?
LINX: None may enter here. Such was my agreement with your captain.
BLOODAXE [OC]: Yea, it is my Captain who sends me. He would have words
with you, Lord Linx.
LINX: Then tell him I am occupied. Now leave me to my work! Insolent
primitives. Did I not need their aid
(Irongron puts an apple on a cabinet.)
IRONGRON: Where is the star warrior?
BLOODAXE: He will not come. He says he's occupied.
IRONGRON: Why, the insolent barbarian. Did I not need his help, I'd.
See, Bloodaxe, the first of the new weapons! Watch!
(Irongron fires the flintlock and takes a chunk of wood out of the
BLOODAXE: Oh! Claps the ears!
IRONGRON: I'll soon master the aim.
DOCTOR: I beg your pardon?
RUBEISH: Joseph Rubeish.
DOCTOR: Oh, I see. I'm so sorry. Hello. How do you do?
(The Doctor shakes the younger man's hand. He wears thick glasses, a
bow tie and a white lab coat. The Tardis stands in the corner now.)
RUBEISH: It's disgraceful, of course. Utterly disgraceful.
DOCTOR: Oh? What is?
RUBEISH: Well, shutting us up. Like a lot of kids kept in after school.
That Brigadier chap. Military idiot.
DOCTOR: Yes, I know how you feel. Still, he means well, you know.
RUBEISH: Haven't seen my wife and family for three days.
DOCTOR: I'm sorry to hear that.
RUBEISH: Ah well, just shows there's always a silver lining. And your
DOCTOR: Er, Smith. Doctor John Smith.
RUBEISH: Oh. Seems to be a lot of them about today.
DOCTOR: I'm sorry?
RUBEISH: Well, I was talking to a young woman just now, also Smith.
(The door closes.)
RUBEISH: Well, there she is. Miss Smith?
SARAH: Yes, Professor?
RUBEISH: Come and meet your namesake. Miss Lavinia Smith, Doctor er
DOCTOR: Doctor John Smith. How do you do, Miss Smith?
RUBEISH: Doctor, I'm intrigued. What's that for? (the Tardis)
DOCTOR: That? Oh, that, er, that contains my equipment, Professor.
RUBEISH: That's original.
DOCTOR: You're the virologist, Miss Smith?
SARAH: Yes. Who told you?
DOCTOR: I read your paper on the teleological response of the virus. A
most impressive piece of work.
SARAH: Thank you.
DOCTOR: Particularly when I realise you must have written it when you
were five years old.
SARAH: Ah. Er, yes, that is rather difficult to explain, isn't it.
DOCTOR: But you're going to try, aren't you.
SARAH: Well, my Aunt Lavinia is in America on a lecture tour, you see.
DOCTOR: Mmm hmm.
SARAH: She had an invitation to visit here. I took her place.
SARAH: Well, I thought all this might give me a good story. I'm a
journalist. Sarah Jane Smith.
DOCTOR: You realise this is a very dangerous place to be in?
SARAH: Well I can't help that. I'm stuck here now and anyway, we've got
all these soldiers looking after us. Are you going to give me away,
DOCTOR: I don't think.
SARAH: Why not?
DOCTOR: Well, you can make yourself useful. We need somebody around
here to make the coffee.
SARAH: If you think I'm going to spend my time making cups of coffee
for you, you're very
(Rubeish is writing equations on the Tardis.)
DOCTOR: Look, would you kindly desist? This is not a blackboard, you
RUBEISH: Oh I do beg your pardon, Doctor. I was just trying to prove
SARAH: What do you plan to do in there?
DOCTOR: Make myself a cup of coffee. Good day to you.
(The Doctor goes into the Tardis.)
[Sir Edward's hall]
(Over at the magnificent Peckforton Castle - which
didn't actually exist before 1850 but who cares, it really looks the
ELEANOR: But for how long, Edward? How long are we to tolerate this
upstart, this insolent usurper as our neighbour? He robs, he pillages,
he murders. He flouts your authority every day, the authority which
comes from the King.
EDWARD: Unfortunately, my dear, the King who gave me my authority has
taken away my troops to fight in his interminable wars.
ELEANOR: Irongron's band is small, and we still have Hal the archer,
and one or two men at arms.
EDWARD: I have sent letters to all our neighbours. Each, like myself,
has but a mere handful of men yet, if all these handfuls be combined
they might yet make a force that will crush this Irongron.
ELEANOR: If you will excuse me, my dear, I must give orders for dinner.
(Bloodaxe and two men drag in a young man.)
BLOODAXE: We caught his little rabbit in the forest, sire.
IRONGRON: Sir Edward's squire. Are you loyal to your lord, boy?
ERIC: I am.
IRONGRON: We shall see.
BLOODAXE: He carried this. He tried to eat it when we caught him.
(Bloodaxe unrolls a scroll.)
IRONGRON: Are Sir Edward's men so ill fed? Bah! I make nothing of their
Norman scribbles. What's it say?
BLOODAXE: I cannot read, Captain.
IRONGRON: What's the message say, boy? So your Sir Edward is going to
attack me, eh? Well, speak!
ERIC: I know nothing.
IRONGRON: Take him below. We'll loosen his tongue presently.
[Sir Edward's hall]
(The candles are lit. A servant girl removes Sir
Edward's uneaten meal.)
EDWARD: What is it? Is Eric back?
ELEANOR: You haven't eaten all day.
EDWARD: Why does he not returned? I could have ridden to my Lord of
Salisbury's castle three times over.
ELEANOR: It's not good for you to worry so much.
EDWARD: How can I not worry?
ELEANOR: Think that tomorrow will be brighter. Edward, I've heard that
Irongron walks his battlements every morning.
EDWARD: Oh, it pleases him to be high. He's like a cockerel.
ELEANOR: But does he climb so high that an arrow cannot reach him?
(Irongron is swinging his axe.)
IRONGRON: That strange armour you wear suits you, Linx.
LINX: It is Sontaran space armour.
IRONGRON: But why must we never see your face?
LINX: This helmet conceals the fact that I am not to of your kind,
Irongron. You might not find my true appearance pleasing.
IRONGRON: By my sword, Linx, I'll wager you're the fairest beauty in
LINX: Why did you summon me? You know my work is pressing.
IRONGRON: I have a prisoner in the dungeon, a surly fellow who will not
LINX: And you wish him to?
LINX: Then give him to me. I will make him speak.
IRONGRON: Tell Bloodaxe to bring up the prisoner!
(A man leaves.)
IRONGRON: Well, Linx, you cunning old devil, what fresh tricks can you
show Irongron, eh?
LINX: What is the nature of information you seek?
IRONGRON: He is a messenger of those who plot a war against me.
LINX: A war? That is excellent.
IRONGRON: Oh, so you like a war, eh?
LINX: Who does not? My race has been at war for millennia. There is not
a galaxy in the universe which our space fleets have not subjugated.
But you do not understand me. I am stranded on this primitive planet
when I should be leading my squadron to glory. I am an expert at war,
IRONGRON: I know. What about those weapons you promised me?
LINX: Keep your side of the bargain, I shall keep mine. You shall have
IRONGRON: We make good allies, Linx. Each has much that the other
(The Doctor is examining a transparent dome with
electronics inside it.)
RUBEISH: Miss Smith?
DOCTOR: No, no. I'm the Doctor. You really must keep your glasses on
the end of your nose, Professor.
RUBEISH: No, no, listen. She's not Miss Smith.
DOCTOR: She isn't?
RUBEISH: No. Who is she?
DOCTOR: I don't think I quite understand what you're talking about,
RUBEISH: Well, just now I was in the common room with Sir Maxwell
Dingle. I happened to mention that I was on the same landing with
Lavinia Smith the virologist. And do you know what he said?
DOCTOR: Yes, he said that she's in America.
RUBEISH: He said she's in America. How could you know?
(Rubeish knocks over a cylinder on the table.)
DOCTOR: Please be careful. This is very delicate equipment.
RUBEISH: What if she's a spy? What do we do?
DOCTOR: Shoot her?
RUBEISH: Ha. Well, there's something odd about her. She even tried to
tell me you were a spy.
SARAH: Am I on the right floor?
SARAH: Goodnight, Professor.
(Rubeish goes into the middle of three cubicles built along the far
wall of the room, and Sarah shuts the main door so the soldiers on
guard cannot see them.)
SARAH: What's that?
DOCTOR: That's my alarm clock.
SARAH: Oh Doctor, kindly don't be so patronising. Now what is it
DOCTOR: It's a rhondium sensor. It detects delta particles. At a preset
spectrum density of fifteen ams, it oscillates this little cylinder
there, which promotes a vacuum in there which wakes me up. Clear?
SARAH: Well, why do you want to be woken up when it detects delta
DOCTOR: Because I'm very fond of delta particles. Why do you ask so
SARAH: Because I'm a journalist.
(The Doctor leans his chair back and puts his feet on the table.)
SARAH: Are you going to sleep there?
DOCTOR: If you'll allow me to do so. Good night, Miss Smith.
(Sarah goes into the cubicle nearest the door. Rubeish comes out of his
RUBEISH: Psst. Shouldn't we tell the Brigadier?
DOCTOR: Tell the Brigadier what?
RUBEISH: About her.
DOCTOR: I think we can decide what to do about Miss Smith in the
morning, Professor. If we're all still here.
(Eric is dragged in.)
BLOODAXE: He has stout-heart, this one, sire. He speaks not a word.
IRONGRON: Good. A fair measure for you, Linx.
(Linx takes his ray gun and points it at Eric, who stops cringing.)
IRONGRON: Well, come on, Linx. Have at him.
LINX: Ask what you wish.
IRONGRON: Eh? But you've done nothing.
LINX: This is a key. I have unlocked your prisoner's mind. Question
IRONGRON: How many men guard Sir Edward's castle?
ERIC: There are but ten, old men for the most part.
IRONGRON: And he plans to attack me with ten old men?
ERIC: He sends messages to raise a force against you. If he succeed,
then he will attack.
IRONGRON: Listen to the fellow. He cannot stop babbling. Stay, Linx!
Have I given you leave?
(With a slight adjustment, Linx's ray gun cuts the axe head off it's
LINX: Each of us has work to do, Irongron. I will be back.
IRONGRON: By my sword, Bloodaxe, I'll pickle that insolent star warrior
in boiling oil one day. Insolent dog!
(The Doctor is snoring in his chair when the
detector starts thrumming. He wakes and checks a 'compass' nearby.)
(The Doctor knocks on Rubeish's door.)
RUBEISH [OC]: What? Who is it?
DOCTOR: Oh, it's all right. Nothing to worry about. Just checking.
SARAH: What's happening?
DOCTOR: You're asking questions again.
(The thrumming gets louder and faster. There is a crash.)
SARAH: Professor Rubeish?
SARAH: He's gone!
DOCTOR: Yes, but he was here a moment ago.
SARAH: Well, he can't have gone far. He's as blind as a bat without his
The Doctor picks up a Geiger counter cum torch from
DOCTOR: You stay here, Miss Smith. I'm going to check the landing.
DOCTOR: Anybody come out here just now?
(The Doctor goes over to the stairs and turns on his detector. It beeps
very quickly and the pitch climbs. As it points to the turn in the
stairs the ghostly figure of Linx appears. One of the soldiers shoots
at it and it fades away, leaving a bullet hole in the wood panelling
behind. The beeping stops.)
SARAH: What were they shooting at?
SARAH: Oh, come on, Doctor. Stop treating me like a child.
DOCTOR: I can't understand why the definition was so low. Unless he's
operating with a very weak power source at maximum range. Yes, of
BRIGADIER [OC]: Doctor!
(Sarah goes into her cubicle and the Doctor into the Tardis. The
DOCTOR [OC]: Hello?
BRIGADIER: Look, Doctor, we've had a raid. Is everyone present on this
(The Doctor comes out carrying a large case.)
DOCTOR: No. Professor Rubeish is missing.
BRIGADIER: Oh, my giddy aunt. The Minister will go spare. Did you see
DOCTOR: Well, I thought I saw a man in armour.
BRIGADIER: A man in armour?
DOCTOR: Mmm hmm.
BRIGADIER: You mean, old-fashioned armour? You mean a ghost?
DOCTOR: Oh, I very much doubt it. Sorry I can't stop, Brigadier.
(The Doctor packs away his detector.)
BRIGADIER: Why? Where are you going?
DOCTOR: Well, I've got to get on the trail while it's still warm.
BRIGADIER: What trail? The chap's just vanished.
DOCTOR: Oh no he hasn't. I just got a fix on him. There's something
very odd indeed going on.
BRIGADIER: Yes, well, if I may say so, Doctor, that is not exactly news
DOCTOR: Someone's operating a matter transmitter. And the really odd
thing is, there's a time transference too. It's being worked from
several centuries ago. Past and present mixed up. Very interesting,
(Sarah is at the open Tardis door.)
SARAH: (sotto) Professor Rubeish, are you in there?
(Sarah enters the Tardis.)
DOCTOR: Well, I can't stay here chatting, old boy. Got to get after
BRIGADIER: Look, Doctor, I forbid you to go off in that contraption.
There's no telling where you'll finish up. Remember what happened to
you on Metebelis Three.
DOCTOR: Well, I got there, didn't I?
BRIGADIER: Yes, eventually, after several detours.
DOCTOR: Brigadier, a straight line may be the shortest distance between
two points, but it is by no means the most interesting. Goodbye, old
(The Doctor enters the Tardis.)
BRIGADIER: But Doc
(The Tardis dematerialises.)
(Irongron walks his battlements, watched by an
archer. Say Hi to Jeremy
Bulloch, before Star Wars. The Tardis materialises nearby.)
DOCTOR: Well done, old girl. Absolutely on target. For once.
(The Doctor walks off, and Sarah comes out of the Tardis, baffled.)
SARAH: It's still only a police box. I must find a telephone.
[Irongron's castle battlements]
IRONGRON: Sir Edward only has a puny force. He
stands within his walls. If only we can breach them, Bloodaxe!
BLOODAXE: We could cut Sir Edward's soldiers down in less time than our
rogues spend with their breakfasts.
IRONGRON: It's those accursed walls, walls like these! But with Linx's
(The archer is taking aim.)
SARAH: Excuse me, could you tell me where the nearest telephone
(He looses his arrow and runs.)
(The arrow thuds into a door just behind Irongron.
Close, but not close enough.)
BLOODAXE: He flees through the forest. Take him! After him, you dogs!
Through the forest!
[Outside Irongron's hall]
SARAH: Oh, it must be some sort of pageant. I say!
Hey, you there!
(One of the men grabs her arm.)
SARAH: Hey! What are you doing? Get off! Let go! Hey.
(Sarah is dragged back to the castle, protesting.)
DOCTOR: How the blazes did she get here?
[Irongron's castle courtyard]
SARAH: Stop it! Look, if this is a rag day joke,
it's not funny!
MAN: Come on.
SARAH: Let me go! I won't tell you
(Sarah is dragged away, and the Doctor enters the now empty courtyard.
A twig snaps and he ducks behind a cart loaded with barrels as Linx
comes out a doorway, then stops. The Doctor sees him and nods to
himself. Thinking he is unobserved, Linx removes his large helmet to
reveal that his head really does fill it all along with his slit of a
mouth, little eyes and no neck.)
(Another group of Irongron's men have caught the
archer and are dragging him into the courtyard. Linx puts his helmet
back on and the Doctor makes for another doorway out of sight. Inside,
an axe is being sharpened on a grindstone.)
IRONGRON: Make it keen. I want Sir Edward not to know the moment when
his head is parted from his shoulders. What's this?
SARAH: Let go!
BLOODAXE: She was found within bowshot, Captain!
SARAH: Idiots! Why don't you stop this ridiculous pantomime.
IRONGRON: Ah, she spits fire, eh, Bloodaxe? Come here, girl.
SARAH: Get lost.
(Irongron rips a chain from around Sarah's neck.)
IRONGRON: She wears gold, Bloodaxe.
SARAH: That hurt, you fool!
IRONGRON: You call Irongron a fool? I'll have the marrow from your
bones, my little chicken. Now, where are you from?
SARAH: Look, just pack this up, will you. It's not funny. I happen to
be a reporter and I've got a big story
IRONGRON: Take her away, Bloodaxe. Throw her in the dungeon.
SARAH: Why don't you take off that ridiculous gear and go home to your
butcher's shop. Let go! Look, I warn you, any more of this and I'm
going straight to the police.
IRONGRON: Stay, Bloodaxe!
IRONGRON: Leave her.
SARAH: That's better. Huh. Now, if I could just use your telephone.
(There is a shout outside, and the archer is dragged in.)
BLOODAXE: This is the dog that shot at you, Captain.
IRONGRON: So you thought to kill Irongron, eh?
HAL: Aye, and I would, but for her. She drew my aim aside.
IRONGRON: You treacherous dog! Did Sir Edward send you?
IRONGRON: You lie.
HAL: I speak the truth.
IRONGRON: If not Sir Edward, who then?
SARAH: I don't understand. Where am I?
HAL: It was my Lady Eleanor.
IRONGRON: Ah, that narrow-hipped vixen. Bloodaxe, tomorrow we dine at
BLOODAXE: Yes, Captain. And what of the prisoner?
IRONGRON: Ere long we shall deal with him sharply.
(Hal is dragged away. Irongron sits down at his dining table.)
IRONGRON: Sharply, eh? 'Tis richly put.
BLOODAXE: Aye, that'll be a fine jest, Captain Irongron.
IRONGRON: I'm not one of your stuffy Norman nobles. I like a bit of
BLOODAXE: 'Tis true Captain, you have a merry wit indeed.
SARAH: Look, please. Now you've had your laugh, now, you know, just
let's stop it and let's talk sensibly. I mean, if it's any consolation
to you, you're scaring me out of my wits.
BLOODAXE: Perhaps the wench is crazed, Captain.
SARAH: Oh, come on. What is this place?
IRONGRON: You are in the castle of Irongron, my lady. Few uninvited
guests come here and few that do leave alive.
SARAH: All right, if you insist on playing guessing games. Now, it's
not a village pageant, it's too elaborate for that. A film set. No. No,
no lights, no cameras.
IRONGRON: Aye, the wench is crazed right enough. A pity. She is not
SARAH: I've got it! It's one of those tourist places. A medieval castle
all restored to its original condition, with jolly banquets and buxom
serving wenches. That's it, isn't it? Mind you, I think you've
overdoing the sordid realism a bit. I mean, I know things were a bit
grotty in the Middle Ages, but, really, you might leave the tourists a
bit of glamorous illusion. I've never seen such a scurvy, smelly
IRONGRON: For pity's sake, cease this babbling, girl!
(Linx enters with a box.)
IRONGRON: Ah, Linx. What of my weapons. Are they ready?
LINX: Soon. But I have another weapon to show you.
BLOODAXE: For your leave, master. The prisoner.
IRONGRON: Aye, aye.
(Bloodaxe leaves. Linx sees Sarah.)
LINX: What is this?
IRONGRON: Eh? Oh, just a girl taken in the forest.
LINX: Girl? You have two species on this planet?
IRONGRON: How say you?
LINX: The girl is not of your kind, Irongron. The hair is finer, the
thorax of a different construction.
IRONGRON: Oh, hell's teeth, have you no girls beyond the stars? No
women to do the lowly work?
LINX: Ah, I understand. You have a primary and secondary reproductive
cycle. It is an inefficient system, you should change it.
IRONGRON: You what?
LINX: At the Sontaran Military Academy, we have hatchings of a million
cadets at each muster parade. Thus we can sustain enormous casualties
on all battle fronts.
IRONGRON: Linx, you cluck away like a broody old hen.
LINX: Wait. This cloth is machine woven. The girl is not of your time,
IRONGRON: Curse the girl, show me the weapon.
(Linx uses his ray device on Sarah.)
LINX: Who? What? How?
SARAH: Sarah Jane Smith, reporter. In a machine. I did not understand
LINX: What century?
LINX: Your civilisation know nothing about time dimensional technology.
SARAH: I cannot. It is a machine that belongs to someone called the
LINX: Silence! This is important. My mission is threatened. Explain the
SARAH: He is a scientist. He was at the research centre. He said he was
very fond of delta particles.
LINX: Ah. Is he here?
SARAH: Yes, somewhere. I was hiding in the machine as he left.
LINX: It becomes clear.
IRONGRON: Linx, what of the weapon?
LINX: Very well. It is here.
(Linx uses the control box and a knight in armour walks stiff-legged
into the hall.)
IRONGRON: Who are you? How do you come into my castle? Well, speak,
fellow! Answer me or lose your head for insolence!
LINX: It cannot answer you. It is just a suit of steel. It is empty.
IRONGRON: But it walks.
LINX: It walks and it fights! Irongron, is it a good weapon?
IRONGRON: Does it kill?
LINX: It does nothing else and it cannot be killed.
IRONGRON: By heavens, Linx, can you make me more of these?
LINX: If you wish.
(Sarah quietly sneaks out of the hall.)
IRONGRON: With a few such soldiers as that, I could take the world!
LINX: When I have left this dull planet, it would amuse me to think of
it under the rule of King Irongron. Very well, provide me with all that
I ask for and I can make many more of these.
IRONGRON: It's a bargain. By heavens, Linx, I never thought when I
first saw you that I should come to love you as a brother. Now, show me
how the iron man works!
LINX: Wait. The girl creature has gone.
IRONGRON: Oh, she'll not get far before one of my guards grabs her
tail. Now, show me. Show me how it fights. Make it walk again.
(Linx makes the robot turn and hit the table with its sword again and
[Irongron's castle passageway]
(Sarah and the Doctor meet, but Sarah runs off.)
DOCTOR: Sarah? Miss Smith. Come back!
(The Doctor has to hide as Hal is dragged through. When it is clear, he
goes up a small staircase.)
[Irongron's castle courtyard]
(Hal's neck is placed on the chopping block, and
Bloodaxe prepares to do the dirty deed.)
IRONGRON: Stay! Bloodaxe!
IRONGRON: Would you fight for your life, fellow?
HAL: I'll fight any man, my lord.
(Irongron brings out the robot.)
IRONGRON: Then stand against Irongron's champion.
BLOODAXE: Who is this?
IRONGRON: You'll see some sport now, Bloodaxe. Here, fellow.
(Irongron gives Hal his bow and arrows.)
BLOODAXE: Master, this is not fair combat to pitch knight against
bowman. At this close range his arrows'll pierce the armour's weak
IRONGRON: Take aim, fellow.
HAL: I am that.
IRONGRON: Your freedom if you kill him. Stand back!
BLOODAXE: Your champion'll have more arrows in his gizzard than a
thistle has spikes.
(Irongron sets the robot's sword arm swinging as he advances. Hal's
arrow strikes right where his throat should be.)
BLOODAXE: My lord, look! He still moves!
(Above, the Doctor enters the battlements. Hal plants another arrow in
the robot's heart. Unseen by the laughing sentries, the Doctor picks up
a crossbow and, as Hal falls back over a barrel, the Doctor shoots the
control box out of Irongron's hand.)
IRONGRON: What fool?
(The robot stops and turns on Irongron.)
BLOODAXE: Guard your back, my lord!
(Hal scurries behind a cart.)
(Bloodaxe throws the headsman's axe to Irongron. Sarah gestures to Hal
to follow her, and he does. Irongron knocks the robot's helm off. It
takes a few more steps then trips over a pile of straw and lies there,
flailing with its sword.)
IRONGRON: By heavens, Bloodaxe. 'Tis like a tin tadpole. You cut off
its head and yet it wriggles. I'll have a word with Linx about this.
(Sarah and Hal run through the main gate and away.)
(Linx has taken his helmet off again. He presses a
button on a control panel then steps up to supervise his captive
scientists. The Doctor's face appears at a grille in the wall.)
IRONGRON [OC]: Linx? Linx, you mongrel! I have a bone to pick with you!
LINX: I am occupied, Irongron.
IRONGRON: What! Out this minute or I'll burst the door down.
(The lock gives way and Irongron bursts in.)
LINX: Well? What is it you need to say to me? Didn't I tell you you
might not find my face pleasing?
IRONGRON: Aye. And never was truer word spoken. Are they all so fair of
face beyond the stars?
LINX: The variety of sentient life forms is infinite. Do you think your
primitive features are pleasing to me? Well, what is it you want?
IRONGRON: That accursed iron warrior of yours.
LINX: You are pleased with it?
IRONGRON: Some knave with a crossbow shot the control from my hand. The
iron man became crazed, tried to kill all of us.
LINX: Perhaps the hand control unit itself is a weakness. I will make
you a better warrior, Irongron. One that'll obey your voice perhaps.
IRONGRON: First, help me kill the one I have now. It still struggles to
slay my knaves.
LINX: It cannot be killed. It was never alive. Come. I will de-activate
(Linx and Irongron leave. The Doctor pulls the rusted grille from the
wall and climbs down a handy ladder from the aqueduct or drain which
runs on pillars across the room. He looks inside Linx's spaceship, then
approaches a man in striped pajamas.)
DOCTOR: Professor Morrison? Professor?
(Morrison does not notice him. Irongron's smith puts more muskets on
DOCTOR: Absolute lunacy.
(The Doctor goes over to the console Linx was using.)
RUBEISH: What? Who is it?
DOCTOR: It's me, it's the Doctor. Don't you remember? We were on the
same landing at the research centre.
RUBEISH: Oh, my dear fellow. So he's got you too, has he?
DOCTOR: No, hardly. Look, Professor. What's wrong with all these
RUBEISH: Hypnotised. Can't get a word out of them. Rotten company.
DOCTOR: Well, you seem to be all right?
RUBEISH: Oh, didn't work with me. Strong-minded, you see.
DOCTOR: Yes, and very nearly blind.
RUBEISH: Oh, nonsense.
DOCTOR: Obviously working some sort of ocular device. Professor, have
you any idea where you are?
RUBEISH: Some medieval English castle, I suspect. I've been feeling the
carvings on some of theses columns. They're astonishingly well
DOCTOR: Yes, well, you're in a castle all right. But do you know the
RUBEISH: About four in the afternoon. We haven't had breakfast yet, you
know. Doesn't feed us much. Once a day if we're lucky.
DOCTOR: Now Professor, listen to me. This may come as a shock to you,
so steel yourself. You have been brought back to the early years of the
RUBEISH: That's interesting. I've always maintained that the loop
theory of time shouldn't have been so arrogantly dismissed by Crabshaw
and his cronies.
DOCTOR: Yes, well, tell me about it some other time, will you? We've
got to get out of here before Linx comes back.
RUBEISH: Oh, not yet, Doctor. Why, this is the opportunity of a
lifetime. Do you know, there's some very interesting work being done
here. If only I could see it all properly.
DOCTOR: Look, Professor, your life is in considerable danger, I must
insist that you
RUBEISH: You go if you want to, Doctor. Go on, but leave me alone.
DOCTOR: Professor, don't you understand?
LINX: Stop! You are the one called the Doctor?
DOCTOR: You know who I am?
LINX: I have been expecting you. Why did you follow me to this time?
DOCTOR: To prevent your interference with the affairs of Earth. Don't
you realise the harm that you'll cause?
LINX: This primitive planet and it's affairs are of no importance.
DOCTOR: That's a typically Sontaran attitude.
LINX: Only one thing matters. To complete the repairs to my ship and
return to the glorious war that is my destiny. Nothing must interfere
with that. Nothing, and nobody.
(Linx uses his ray weapon on the Doctor.)
[Sir Edward's hall]
HAL: I vouch for her, my lord. Without her help I
would not be here.
ELEANOR: She looks like one I would trust. Sit, child. Tell us where
SARAH: I can't. It's too difficult to explain.
EDWARD: The manner of her dress is strange, and the manner of her
HAL: There is much strange at Irongron's castle, Sir Edward. I told you
of the knight that fights on, though it should be dead. And one of the
guards told me there's a man from the stars that lives among them. A
mighty wizard who makes magic weapons.
EDWARD: A man from the stars? I've heard it said he has the help of
devils and magicians.
HAL: It is true, Sir Edward! I have seen it!
SARAH: Well, I know who's helping him. It's the Doctor.
ELEANOR: The Doctor?
SARAH: Ah, well, that's what he calls himself, but he's no magician.
Just some eccentric scientist.
EDWARD: What does she say?
ELEANOR: The words are strange, but I know her meaning. Who is this
Doctor? What do you know of him?
SARAH: Scientists, learned men. They're being taken from the place I
come from, and I believe that the Doctor is bringing them here and
handing them over to Irongron.
ELEANOR: What would Irongron want with these wizards?
HAL: To make him magic weapons, my lady. Irongron thinks only of war
EDWARD: Anything that makes Irongron strong can work only to our harm.
HAL: With an army of magic knights such as I fought, Irongron could
conquer the whole kingdom. Well, who knows what other sorceries he may
soon have at his command?
SARAH: I'm sure the Doctor's the key to it all. He was there when one
of the scientists was taken. He has a machine that can travel through
time. Well, it must be him, and somehow we've got to stop him.
EDWARD: If he's Irongron's ally, he sits safe within Irongron's walls.
There's naught we can do.
SARAH: Oh, there's always something you can do. It' s just a matter of
working out what.
EDWARD: Brave speech.
HAL: She has the heart of a lion, sire. I saw her give Irongron the
sharp edge of her tongue.
EDWARD: If I had an army of girls such as you, I might hold this castle
forever. As it is, how can I fight Irongron and this Doctor?
SARAH: All right, I'll tell you how. Now, the first thing we must do is
grab the Doctor and get him away from Irongron.
EDWARD: And force him to make his magic for me? Ah ha, good thought.
Aye, but how could it be done?
SARAH: Oh, what's wrong with you? All it needs is a sort of commando
raid. You knock out the sentries, rush into the castle, grab the Doctor
and away. Well, you've got soldiers, haven't you?
EDWARD: A handful. A raid? A bold plan.
HAL: I'll go, Sir Edward.
LINX: You resisted well, Doctor. I could have
increased the power, but I might have killed you. I need you alive. A
brain of your capacity can be of use to me.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
LINX: You're not of this planet. How came you to be here?
DOCTOR: Oh, I'm just a tourist. I like it here.
LINX: This hole in space.
DOCTOR: You haven't seen it at its best.
LINX: It has no military value, no strategic significance.
DOCTOR: Once again, a Sontaran philosophy.
LINX: I'm Commander Linx - Fifth Sontaran Army Space Fleet.
DOCTOR: Ah, yes. Yes, as I thought. A Sontaran warrior. So, the
perpetual war between the Sontarans and the Rutans has spread to this
tiny planet, has it?
LINX: Emergency landing. I was on a reconnaissance mission when I was
attacked by a squadron of Rutan fighters. You have encountered my race
LINX: I'll overlook that insult for the moment. What is your native
DOCTOR: Gallifrey. I am a Time Lord.
LINX: Ah, yes. A race of great technical achievement, but lacking the
morale to withstand a determined assault.
DOCTOR: Oh, do you think so?
LINX: I'm only a lowly Commander, Doctor. I merely quote from the
appreciation circulated by our military intelligence.
DOCTOR: Yes, well, you'd be well advised never to put that appreciation
to the test, Linx.
LINX: My only ambition at the moment is to return to my squadron. You
can be of value to me. You can help me to repair this ship.
DOCTOR: You seem to have acquired some help all ready.
LINX: Primitives. I adapted my ship's frequency modulator and projected
myself forward as far as I could. Unfortunately I only had the power to
reach the twentieth century.
DOCTOR: From which you stole the equipment and the skilled help you
couldn't find here.
LINX: Yes. But the work goes slowly.
DOCTOR: Commander Linx, if you will return these people to their own
time I might possibly consider helping you.
LINX: Do not attempt to bargain with me, Doctor! Take that seat there
by the controls. Move!
DOCTOR: You're interfering with human evolution, Linx. Don't you
realise the damage that you're going to do to them?
LINX: I have no interest in human evolution.
(Linx puts a headset with a big round ball at the top on the Doctor's
LINX: I'm placing you under autocontrol, Doctor, to ensure your
DOCTOR: Human beings must be allowed to develop at their own pace. At
this period, they're just a few steps from barbarism.
LINX: You will monitor progress rates on the input panel against the
programmer. Now I must leave you in charge for a time.
(Linx switches on the headset, puts on his own headset and picks up the
DOCTOR: You give them breech-loading guns now, they'll have atomic
weapons by the seventeenth century. They'll have the capability to
destroy their own planet before they're civilised enough to handle it.
(A crackle of electricity comes down to the ball on the Doctor's
headset. He flinches in pain.)
LINX: You would do well to concentrate on the task I have given you,
Doctor. Answer the programmer.
(Linx leaves. The Doctor thumps various buttons on the console. He
tries to touch the headset and gets another jolt for his effort.
Slumping downwards in the chair has the same effect.)
[Irongron's castle - postern gate]
(The commando raid is on, and the first sentry is
taken care of. Sarah is dressed in lincoln green and brown clothes
HAL: I still say this is no work for women.
SARAH: Oh, I wouldn't have missed this for anything. Anyway, I'm the
only one who knows what the Doctor looks like. Come on, this way.
(Irongron picks up a weapon and cocks the firing
IRONGRON: Ah, now these are more to my taste than your iron man, Linx.
LINX: I will still prefect the fighting robot for your army, Irongron.
IRONGRON: We'll take these weapons to the men, Bloodaxe and I will
instruct them in their use. Tomorrow morning, at dawn, we march on Sir
BLOODAXE: Yes, Captain.
IRONGRON: By sunset he'll be feeding the crows.
(Outside the window, Sarah and Hal have heard everything.)
DOCTOR: Rubeish! Professor, over here quickly.
RUBEISH: Is that you, Doctor? I thought you were going?
DOCTOR: A change of plan, old chap. Look, I want your help.
RUBEISH: Are you wearing a hat?
DOCTOR: Look, behind me you'll find a panel. There's a switch on it.
RUBEISH: It's dangerous, you know. Overheats the brain. Panel. Oh yes,
I've got it.
DOCTOR: Right, turn the switch.
RUBEISH: Always thought that's why judges are so peculiar. It's those
wigs they wear.
DOCTOR: No! No! That's the wrong. No, man!
RUBEISH: Sorry. I do wish I'd brought my glasses.
DOCTOR: Yes, so do I. It was the wrong one.
RUBEISH: Is this the one?
(Click and no zap. The Doctor slumps right down in the chair then takes
the headset off.)
DOCTOR: Yes, that was the one. Thank you very much indeed, Professor.
RUBEISH: Not at all, Smith.
DOCTOR: Smith. Yes, of course. Look, will you excuse me? I've got to go
and find a young girl. I'll see you later, I hope.
RUBEISH: Young girl? I should have thought he was a bit old for that
sort of thing. Oh well.
[Irongron's castle passage]
(The Doctor walks into Irongron and Bloodaxe.)
DOCTOR: Ah, good evening.
(The Doctor holds out his hand. Bloodaxe takes it, the Doctor pulls him
forward and down, and Irongron trips over him.)
IRONGRON: Get after him! Call the guards!
[Irongron's castle courtyard]
IRONGRON: Catch him!
(The Doctor dodges around various men at arms but can't actually get
away from them. Finally he falls backwards onto a pile of hay by the
IRONGRON: He who strikes Irongron dies!
[Irongron's castle courtyard]
(While the Doctor is still evading the men at arms,
Hal and Sarah watch from the battlements.)
HAL: Look, they try to kill their wizard.
SARAH: Quick, we need him alive!
(Hal draws his bow as the Doctor falls and Irongron lifts his axe.)
IRONGRON: He who strikes Irongron dies!
(The momentum from Hal's arrow hitting the wooden shaft pushes the axe
from Irongron's hand. The Doctor gets up and runs.)
SARAH: Doctor! Up here!
(The Doctor runs into the entrance to the stairway, and blocks it with
a bale of hay. He runs up the stairs then throws a flaming torch down
onto the hay, stopping Irongron and his men in their tracks.)
[Irongron's castle battlements]
DOCTOR: Thank you very much, Miss Smith. A most
SARAH: This isn't a rescue, Doctor, it's a capture. Let's get him out
(Down in his laboratory, Linx discovers that the Doctor is gone.
Rubeish keeps out of sight until the door slams shut again, then
returns to his task of grinding a magnifying glass into a monocle for
(Irongron and Bloodaxe are eating.)
IRONGRON: The fellow has the gall of a camel and the cunning of a fox.
BLOODAXE: Aye, you shall have your revenge, Captain. He'll be with Sir
Edward now. And not even a rat'll come out of that castle alive
IRONGRON: By the stars, Bloodaxe, I swear I'll chop him up so fine not
even a sparrow will fill its beak at one peck.
(Linx enters. Meg leaves.)
LINX: One of my workers has disappeared. Order a search of your castle
IRONGRON: If you've lost one of your dumb, whey-faced ninnies, Linx,
then look for him yourself. My men are at rest.
BLOODAXE: We march upon Sir Edward within the hour.
LINX: I insist upon a search, Irongron. The Doctor is of great value to
me. And while he is at large, he could be dangerous.
BLOODAXE: The Doctor?
IRONGRON: Bother me now, little toad, and you will feel an axe in your
BLOODAXE: Master, I heard somebody call Doctor while we were at that
IRONGRON: Is this Doctor a long shank rascal with a mighty nose?
LINX: That is how he would appear in human eyes.
IRONGRON: Then he is no longer here. Sir Edward sent raiders to my
castle, captured him.
LINX: He has escaped!
[Sir Edward's hall]
SARAH: Tell Sir Edward we're back.
DOCTOR: You've been getting around, Sarah. Are you on visiting terms
with all the local nobility?
SARAH: Doctor, let's get a few things straight, shall we?
DOCTOR: Oh dear. You know, I'm afraid you're going to be awfully
confused if you ask me to explain about the Tardis.
SARAH: The Tardis?
DOCTOR: Yes, my police box. You were a stowaway, I imagine.
SARAH: Yes, but we'll come to that later. Now then, why are you helping
DOCTOR: My dear girl, I'm not helping him. Linx is. I'm trying to stop
DOCTOR: Yes, perhaps you're lucky enough not to have met him yet.
Nasty, brutish and short just about sums him up.
SARAH: There was a strange looking knight with Irongron.
DOCTOR: Yes, well, he'd have looked even stranger if he hadn't been
wearing space armour. He comes from a planet where the surface gravity
is many times than of Earth.
SARAH: A man from the stars?
DOCTOR: Mmm hmm.
SARAH: How do I know you're telling the truth?
DOCTOR: Because I never lie. Well, hardly ever. You ever heard of UNIT?
SARAH: You work for UNIT?
DOCTOR: In an advisory capacity, yes. Well, they asked me to look into
this question of the missing scientists for them.
SARAH: But I thought you were responsible for that.
DOCTOR: My dear girl, I don't go around kidnapping scientists. No, Linx
brought them here to staff his workshop. Now I've got to find a way of
sending them back to there own time.
(Lady Eleanor and Sir Edward enter.)
ELEANOR: This is the magician?
SARAH: Er, yes. This is the Doctor.
EDWARD: You have done well, Sarah.
DOCTOR: How do you do? It is a pleasure and a privilege to be in the
company of civilised people at last.
EDWARD: A courtly rogue.
ELEANOR: Is he willing to change his allegiance and serve Sir Edward
instead of Irongron?
SARAH: Well, he says he wasn't serving Irongron, and there is another
stranger at the castle. Someone called Linx.
DOCTOR: Yes, he's your enemy, I assure you, not me. We'd be well
advised to join forces against him.
EDWARD: Does he speak truth?
SARAH: I'm not sure. I suppose I could have been wrong.
DOCTOR: That's a generous admission. Especially coming from one of the
SARAH: Or he could just be changing sides to save his own skin.
ELEANOR: These wizards and warlocks were ever a treacherous breed. We'd
best be wary of him.
EDWARD: I shall spare your life, if you cast your spells and
incantations to help me against Irongron, Doctor. Refuse and you die.
DOCTOR: You offer a somewhat restricted choice, Sir Edward.
EDWARD: What is your answer?
DOCTOR: My services are at your disposal, sir. Such as they are.
EDWARD: Good. Serve me straight, Doctor, and I shall reward you well.
HAL: Oh, master. Oh but master, Irongron marches here before noon! We
heard this said from his own mouth.
EDWARD: Then we are lost. We cannot stand against them.
DOCTOR: On the contrary, sir, I think we can.
EDWARD: But how? With a handful of men?
DOCTOR: Yes sir, with just a few men I think I can persuade Irongron
that we have a full garrison.
EDWARD: By the use of your magic?
DOCTOR: By creating an illusion, anyway.
EDWARD: Your magic will have to be powerful indeed to discourage
DOCTOR: It will be, sir.
(Irongron is having his armour fitted on him.)
BLOODAXE: The men are ready, Captain.
IRONGRON: Good. Though for such an easy conquest as this, 'tis scarce
worth strapping on armour. You and I alone, good Bloodaxe, could take
BLOODAXE: Indeed we could, Captain.
IRONGRON: With Sir Edward's treasure I shall hire more men, and with
Linx's weapons to arm them, who shall stand against us?
LINX: When does the fighting start, Irongron?
IRONGRON: In the time it takes to ride from here to Sir Edward's
LINX: Then I shall come with you.
IRONGRON: What, you? Oh Bloodaxe, on my oath, can you see that on a
LINX: I have an interest in seeing the battle.
IRONGRON: Those eyes have thirst for blood. Well, find our bold warrior
a horse, Bloodaxe. Come, then.
[Sir Edward's castle - workroom]
(The Doctor is mixing a bowl of yellow gunk. He
has several small sacking bags filled with something and tied. Sarah
enters with a soldier's helmet on a pole and some more small bags.)
SARAH: Here's a few more for you, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Thank you, Sarah.
SARAH: Lady Eleanor's got every serving wench in the castle sewing away
DOCTOR: I told you there'd be plenty of work for everybody, didn't I?
SARAH: Oh. Typically masculine arrangement, though. We do all the dirty
work, you get all the fun.
DOCTOR: You don't think mixing this singularly noxious compound is fun,
do you? How's the rest of it going?
SARAH: Not bad. I put Sir Edward in charge of painting the dummies'
faces and he's turned out to be quite an artist. Once I'd set him on
the right lines.
DOCTOR: Excellent. I'm glad I decided to let you stay.
SARAH: You decided?
DOCTOR: You know, I was never much of a hand with a paint brush myself.
DOCTOR: No. Nor a palette knife for that matter. But I'd like to study
under one of the masters one day. Rembrandt, preferably.
DOCTOR: Mmm hmm.
SARAH: Can you, can you just go anywhere you like in that Tardis?
DOCTOR: Yes, within reason.
SARAH: Then why are you staying here? Why don't you go somewhere safer?
DOCTOR: Because, my dear Sarah, I've got a job to do. One that involves
the whole future of your species. Here, hold this will you?
(The Doctor hands Sarah a piece of rope, and he cuts it into shorter
SARAH: My species?
DOCTOR: Mmm hmm.
SARAH: You're talking as if you weren't human.
DOCTOR: Yes, well, the definition of the word humanity was always a
rather a complex question, wasn't it?
SARAH: You know perfectly well what I mean. Are you or aren't you?
DOCTOR: If you mean am I a native of the planet Terra, the answer is
no, I'm not.
SARAH: Well, what are you then?
DOCTOR: Me? I'm a Time Lord.
SARAH: A Time Lord?
DOCTOR: Yes, that's right. And my people are very keen to stamp out
unlicensed time travel. You can look upon them as galactic ticket
inspectors, if you like.
SARAH: Galactic ticket inspectors? Oh, I could murder a cup of tea.
You're serious, aren't you?
DOCTOR: About what I do, yes. Not necessarily the way I do it. For
example, you know what this is?
(The Doctor holds up one of the sacks, containing his yellow mixture.)
SARAH: I've no idea.
DOCTOR: This is my own special smoking mixture, consisting of
saltpetre, sulphur and fat. With a few little extras thrown in.
(A trumpet sounds.)
DOCTOR: Ah. That is Irongron. Battle is about to commence!
(Outside Sir Edward's castle, Irongron joins Linx
surveying their target. Faces wearing helmets can be seen in all the
IRONGRON: We've been tricked, Bloodaxe. That dolt of a prisoner swore
that Edward had but a few old men to guard his castle!
BLOODAXE: My Lord of Salisbury must have sent him help.
IRONGRON: The messenger to Lord Salisbury died in our dungeons. These
cannot be Salisbury's men.
LINX: Why do you wait? What will be your first method of attack?
IRONGRON: We don't attack. We return to my castle.
LINX: You fear to fight? The greater the odds, the greater the glory.
IRONGRON: I fear nothing, toadface! But there is little profit in
butchered for naught.
BLOODAXE: Sir Edward holds his walls with too strong a force.
LINX: Then use your rifles. Shoot them from the walls.
LINX: The weapons that I made for you. They have the range.
IRONGRON: Ah. On my oath, Linx, when I am King, you shall be my
[Sir Edward's battlements]
SARAH: That's made them stop and think, anyway.
DOCTOR: I thought Linx would have to come along. Sontarans just can't
resist getting involved in war.
SARAH: But this must be very minor league stuff to him, surely?
DOCTOR: He's just like a little boy, stirring up the red ants and the
black ants. This is something to keep him amused, to stop him from
(Irongron fires a rifle, and hits the stonework.)
SARAH: They've got guns!
BLOODAXE: No man has fallen, Captain.
IRONGRON: Your weapons do not work, Linx!
LINX: You do not shoot them straight. Watch.
(Linx is handed a rifle. He shoots a dummy through the 'neck'.)
LINX: Those figures are dummies.
IRONGRON: Bah! Your weapons are useless!
LINX: They do not move nor fall. They are not living men.
IRONGRON: I smell that fox of a Doctor behind this. Bring up the
[Sir Edward's battlements]
SARAH: Here they come, Doctor!
(The Doctor lights a short fuse on one of his little smoke bombs and
tosses it over the wall, where is pours out yellow smoke at the feet of
their attackers. More follow, and Sarah helps him throw them. Some go
off bang, and Irongron and his men retreat back to the tree line. Now
Sir Edward's archers take over the defence.)
IRONGRON: Away! Away! Come on, move it.
DOCTOR: Yes, well I think we'd better get back inside before that smoke
rises. It's liable to hang around for quite some time.
SARAH: What was that stuff, Doctor? Some kind of gas?
DOCTOR: Gas? Good heavens, what on Earth do you take me for? No, it was
some sort of superior stink bomb with a few bangs and flashes thrown in
for good measure. No, it's quite harmless, I assure you, but (sniff)
(Irongron and his men are still trying to cough up
the smell from their lungs.)
IRONGRON: Bring me wine! Wine, I say! To quench the dust from my throat
and the stench from my nostrils. More, wench! More! Am I a sparrow to
quench my thirst with a few scant drops? Oh, mice! A few loud noises, a
few bad smells and you scatter like sheep!
BLOODAXE: It was sorcery, master. Black devil's work, you said so
yourself. Well, this wizard, the Doctor, he's gone and joined Sir
Edward, and he threw all the fires and the stenches of hell itself at
IRONGRON: With poltroons like these, it were ill work to lay siege to a
BLOODAXE: They do but need food and rest to recover their spirits,
IRONGRON: We attack again tomorrow morning. I will take Sir Edward's
castle or I will see every man of you perish in the attempt!
Chicken-hearted knaves! Begone from my sight!
(Linx enters carrying his helmet, as the men and Meg leave.)
LINX: Did I not see you yourself leading their retreat, Captain?
IRONGRON: Taunt me not, little toadface, or by the stars I'll see if
the colour of your blood is red like mortal man's.
LINX: You Earth creatures give up too easily. I doubt if you have the
potential to make a truly military species.
IRONGRON: And you, Linx, you claim to like war. I haven't seen you
doing much this day.
LINX: I came only to observe. I should have known better than to look
for interest in a struggle of primitives. Threaten me once more and I
will destroy you.
IRONGRON: Why, you
(Irongron raises his arm and Linx slaps him down and across the table
LINX: Primitives! Childish, squabbling primitives! It is well I do not
need to spend much more time among you.
[Sir Edward's hall]
(Hal, Sarah and the Doctor are dining with Sir
Edward and Lady Eleanor. They are laughing. Sir Edward throws a chicken
bone over his shoulder, so the Doctor copies him and gets a Look from
EDWARD: More wine, Doctor?
DOCTOR: No, thank you, no. Oh well, just perhaps just a little.
EDWARD: Those knaves of Irongron, they ran like rabbits. Finest sight
that ever I saw, Doctor. And all thanks to you and your wizardry.
DOCTOR: Well, we all played our part, Sir Edward.
EDWARD: Now your magic works for us, our troubles are over.
DOCTOR: Not quite, I'm afraid.
SARAH: The Doctor thinks Irongron's bound to attack again.
EDWARD: And you shall affright the knaves with more of your sorceries.
DOCTOR: It won't work indefinitely, I fear. This time we had the
element of surprise. They won't be frightened off quite so easily
EDWARD: Then we've gained a respite, no more.
SARAH: Actually, the Doctor does have another idea.
ELEANOR: Then let us hear your counsel, Doctor. So far you have served
DOCTOR: Well, there's one sure way to prevent Irongron from capturing
EDWARD: And that is?
DOCTOR: You must capture his.
EDWARD: You advise the impossible, Doctor, when they outnumber us so
DOCTOR: My Lady, are you familiar with these herbs and simples?
ELEANOR: Ragwort, henbane, love-in-a-mist, fennel, sesame. Most we have
dried in the kitchens, the rest grow in the woods nearby.
DOCTOR: Excellent. I want to brew up a little draught.
ELEANOR: You mean to mix a magic potion to slay the dog?
DOCTOR: No, no, not quite. Just something to calm him down a little.
(Irongron has got plenty of Dutch Courage inside
him by now.)
IRONGRON: Oh, I should have slain the filthy little toad there and
then. I should have carved him up into callops on the spot.
BLOODAXE: Aye, master, it puzzles me as to why you did not
IRONGRON: Aye, well, 'tis a matter of high policy, d'you see? Above
your understanding. As yet, we still need Linx's aid. Weapons he has
promised me, and by the stars, weapons I shall have. Wonderful, magical
weapons, that will crumble the castles of those that oppose me into
dust. And then, and only then, shall Linx die by my hand.
BLOODAXE: Oh, 'tis a cunning plan, Captain.
IRONGRON: Aye, 'tis as well for you dolts that you have me to guide
you. Ah, there's more to war than hard strokes, my good Bloodaxe.
BLOODAXE: Aye, master, yours is indeed a towering intelligence.
[Irongron's castle drawbridge]
(Two monks approach the guards.)
GUARD: Hold, friar. What business have you here?
DOCTOR: (yokel) We come to beg alms of the good Captain Irongron. The
fame of his charity is spread far and wide.
GUARD: You will find Captain Irongron in the great hall. He is indeed a
kindly and charitable man and his temper is most sweet and pleasant.
DOCTOR: Heaven will reward you, my son. Come, brother.
(The Doctor and Sarah enter the castle.)
GUARD: It is to be hoped the two friars are fleet of foot, or the
church will have two new martyrs ere long.
[Irongron's castle corridor]
(The Doctor and Sarah have taken off the habits.
Sarah is dressed in the style of the time. They hide as a door opens,
and Linx walks past carrying a long box on his shoulder.)
DOCTOR: Right, let's take a look in Linx's workshop.
SARAH: What's that?
DOCTOR: That's a Sontaran spaceship, to be precise, and tremendously
powerful for its size, just like its owner. Here, give me your habit.
(The scientist in the striped pajamas walks past.)
SARAH: What's wrong with him?
DOCTOR: Deep hypnosis.
RUBEISH: Ah, there you are, Doctor. Back again, eh?
SARAH: Professor Rubeish!
RUBEISH: What? Oh, it's you. Doctor, I knew this girl was involved. We
should have reported her as I wanted.
DOCTOR: Yes, well, I'm very glad we didn't. In a few hours that ship's
going to be ready for takeoff.
RUBEISH: Yes, he's been working these people at a killing pace. Come
(A man is lying on the floor.)
RUBEISH: Look. No sleep. Practically no food. They're starting to
collapse like flies.
DOCTOR: I'm not surprised, he's suffering from near starvation.
SARAH: Oh, we'll have to get them some food, Doctor, or at least a
DOCTOR: There's no time for that.
SARAH: They'll die if we don't.
DOCTOR: Sarah, listen to me. Linx's spaceship is just about ready for
take off. And if that happens, there's going to be the most tremendous
explosion. Everybody in this castle will die.
(Linx drops the box on the table.)
LINX: These are the weapons I have promised you. Also a good supply of
the projectiles that they use.
IRONGRON: Oh, my thanks, good toadface. Er, good Linx. More weapons
from the stars.
LINX: I shall complete the repairs of the improved fighting robot, if I
have time before I leave.
IRONGRON: If you wish to leave, then you would do well to obey me.
LINX: Do you threaten me? I leave when I am ready and that will be
IRONGRON: And will you carry your starship on your back, good toad? You
needed my knaves to bring it here. You will need them to take it hence.
LINX: Evidently you have no understanding of the forces involved in
interstellar travel. I shall leave when I am ready. It would be foolish
of you to attempt to stop me.
(The Doctor is flashing a small torch into a
RUBEISH: Doctor, what are you doing?
DOCTOR: Trying to break this hypnosis.
RUBEISH: It's very deep. Narcoleptic condition, eh?
DOCTOR: The brain can still receive signals, Professor. It might work.
RUBEISH: Even if it does, can't see what you intend.
DOCTOR: Don't you want to get back to the twentieth century?
RUBEISH: Steak and mushrooms, lobster, chocolate truffles. Oh dear me,
DOCTOR: If I can get these people to respond, I can send them back to
their own time with Linx's osmic projector.
RUBEISH: Osmic projector?
DOCTOR: Yes, it's over there on the table. Take a look.
SARAH: Why can't you just send them as they are?
DOCTOR: It's too risky with their minds in this state. The transition
might damage them permanently.
SARAH: I've never heard so much gobbledegook in my life, but I expect
you know what you're talking about.
DOCTOR: Polka time!
SARAH + RUBEISH: What?
RUBEISH: It's the beat. Look, he's beginning to respond.
(Linx takes of his helmet and goes over to one of the men on the
LINX: Up! Get back to work!
(Linx uses his ray gun. The one that the Doctor had been working on
tries to stand then falls over again.)
LINX: Work. What's wrong with you? Get up or I will kill you!
DOCTOR: Leave him, Linx!
LINX: Ah. How fortunate that you have returned, Doctor. My failure to
destroy you was the one thing that marred the pleasure of my
approaching departure from this miserable planet.
DOCTOR: Well, don't you want to know why I returned?
LINX: It is of no interest to me.
DOCTOR: I came here to offer you my help.
LINX: We're sworn enemies, Doctor. Why should you help me?
DOCTOR: Because I want something from you. If you will let me
de-hypnotise people and send them home, and help me capture Irongron
and his men, then I will assist you in the repairs to your spaceship.
Now, the weapons that you've made for Irongron you can leave here in
the castle, and when it's empty, you can take off, destroying castle
and weapons at the same time. All right, Commander Linx, what do you
LINX: You wish for my answer, Doctor?
DOCTOR: I do.
LINX: Then here it is.
(Linx fires his ray gun at the Doctor.)
(Sarah comes out of hiding and pushes Linx's arm
(The Doctor collapses and Linx pushes her away.)
LINX: The female, too. It seems I am doubly fortunate.
(Mister striped pajamas collapses.)
LINX: Get up! Get back to work!
DOCTOR: Linx, can't you see that your prisoners are physically
exhausted? They've had no sleep and nothing to eat for days.
LINX: They can still work.
DOCTOR: Not for much longer.
LINX: I owe these primitives nothing.
(Rubeish sneaks around the back and goes to get a piece of wood.)
LINX: My only concern is to rejoin our glorious struggle for freedom.
DOCTOR: That's such an old tune. Don't you know there's no such thing
as the super race?
LINX: Your Time Lord philosophy is egalitarian twaddle. It is a
DOCTOR: Every species has its own weakness, Linx. For instance, you can
only be stunned by a blow on the probic vent, that small hole at the
back of your neck.
LINX: In our case, Doctor, it is a strength, because it means we must
always face our enemies.
(Rubeish uses his monocle to spy out the tube at the back of Linx's
LINX: Now, to return to the question of your demise. I think it would
be better if you witnessed first the destruction of your female
(Linx turns to Sarah and Rubeish swings. Linx falls with a gurgle.)
DOCTOR: Well done, Rubeish.
SARAH: Doctor, are you all right?
DOCTOR: Yes. Yes. The blast was too brief. But I wouldn't have been in
a few moments. Thank you very much, Sarah.
SARAH: Oh, pleasure.
(Sarah helps the Doctor stand up.)
SARAH: Hadn't I better be getting on with the rest of your plan?
DOCTOR: Yes, all right, but be careful.
SARAH: You too, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Right, well, if we can secure our friend here, we can get on
with the job of restoring his wretched victims.
RUBEISH: Will this help?
(A handful of plastic covered wire.)
DOCTOR: Rubeish, you're invaluable, my dear chap.
(Irongron has opened the box of new rifles.)
IRONGRON: Fetch me Linx. Fetch me that scabby faced stoat from his
BLOODAXE: At once, Captain.
(The Doctor has trussed up Linx hand and foot.)
DOCTOR: Well, that should hold him for a while, even on this planet.
RUBEISH: Why this planet?
DOCTOR: Well, in his own environment he weighs several tons.
Fortunately his muscles have been designed for load bearing rather than
RUBEISH: Fascinating. I'd always assumed that creatures from a high
density planet would have developed a pressure balanced physiology. For
example, if you take certain types of seaweed
BLOODAXE [OC]: Linx! Linx!
(The Doctor puts on Linx's helmet. Bloodaxe peers round the door
DOCTOR: Who speaks?
BLOODAXE: Captain Irongron commands your presence.
DOCTOR: Tell him I'm busy.
BLOODAXE: Well, come soon or we come and fetch you.
(Bloodaxe closes the door quickly. The Doctor takes off the helmet.)
RUBEISH: Who is Irongron? Is he a nice chap?
DOCTOR: Well, I wouldn't recommend him for the Royal Society. All
right, Rubeish old chap, now you know how to bring these people round?
RUBEISH: Yes. A simple repetitive optical
DOCTOR: Yes, quite so. I'll leave you to get on with it.
RUBEISH: Well, what do you propose to do?
DOCTOR: I was going to preset this osmic projector and send these
people back to their own time, but now I have to find a way of stalling
(The Doctor spots the robot knight hanging on a pillar.)
DOCTOR: The robot! Yes, of course. That ought to give him something to
(Sarah sneaks in and starts putting food from the
table into a small sack.)
SARAH: You common scullion, stand aside. How dare you obstruct me? I
shall have you flogged.
MEG: Oh, so, a lady, are you? A lady dressed as a serving wench?
SARAH: I'm hungry. Please let me go. I've tasted neither bread nor meat
for nearly a month.
(Meg holds Sarah's wrist and looks at her palm.)
MEG: No, nor done no work for longer by the look of you. All right, my
girl, I'll give you bread and cheese, but you'll have to earn it.
(The robot enters, sword swinging up and down.)
IRONGRON: Who are you?
DOCTOR: (inside the suit) I am a gift to Captain Irongron from the one
who made me, my master, Commander Linx.
IRONGRON: It is indeed the robot, Bloodaxe, though somewhat different
in shape. And I remember, Linx promised to make me a second iron man,
one that would obey my voice. But why has Linx sent you? Why has he not
he himself obeyed my summons?
DOCTOR: My master toils in his workshop to make you more fighting
robots. He sent me as proof of his goodwill.
DOCTOR: Now I must return.
IRONGRON: Hold. I would see something of the mettle of this gift. Can
you fight, iron man?
DOCTOR: That is my purpose.
IRONGRON: Then fight me.
DOCTOR: I was programmed to fight for you, not against you.
IRONGRON: Cease thy gabble and fight.
DOCTOR: You will damage my circuits.
IRONGRON: Fight, iron man, or you'll return to Linx in as many pieces
as did your brother.
(Irongron swings his sword and the Doctor ducks under it. They trade a
few blows and Irongron pushes him back onto the table. The Doctor rolls
away from the blow and continues a defensive fight until Irongron falls
over a chair and the Doctor can just put his sword to his neck.)
BLOODAXE: It's truly a marvel, Captain. Never have I seen a finer
IRONGRON: Ah, tis great sport this, Bloodaxe. Draw your sword and join
me. We'll try this creature's strength to the upmost.
(Meg admonishes a wench. The swordfight can be
MEG: Get on!
SARAH: What's that?
MEG: Oh, fighting again in the great hall, I'll warrant. Men were ever
like children, fond of noise and brawling. Get about your work, girl.
IRONGRON: Hold. Hold, I say! We must slow this
iron man's speed a little. Stick me some crossbow bolts in the
creature. We'll see if it fights as well with a crossbow bolt or two in
its gizzard. And if that fails, we'll lop off its head and try again
DOCTOR: Isn't that a bit unsporting, old man? I mean, sitting ducks and
IRONGRON: This iron man talks like some Norman ninny. Lift up your
DOCTOR: I cannot reveal my face, Irongron.
DOCTOR: Because if I did, it might give you a seizure.
(So Irongron does it for him.)
IRONGRON: The wizard!
DOCTOR: Well, I did warn you, didn't I?
(The Doctor makes a dash for the door.)
IRONGRON: Seize him!
(The Doctor is dragged back in and forced to his knees. Irongron
removes the helm and lifts his sword to strike, then pauses.)
IRONGRON: No. The sword is too quick and clean a death for you. Well,
since you are a wizard, then by wizardry shall you die.
MEG: Not so much of that oatmeal, girl. It's only
pikemen we're feeding, not horses. Hey, watch that pot.
(Meg goes over to Sarah at the fireplace.)
MEG: If you burn Irongron's stew, he'll have your liver cut out.
SARAH: Is all this for Irongron?
MEG: Him and his chamber guard.
SARAH: How many's that?
MEG: Half a dozen. You're full of questions, girl.
SARAH: Don't the guards on the gate get stew?
MEG: What, meat for those common creatures? I should say not. They'll
have oatmeal the same as the rest of us, and lusty enough they are on
that. So you watch yourself if ever you take out that skillet.
SARAH: I'm not afraid of men. They don't own the world. Why should
women always have to cook and carry for them?
MEG: What else should we do?
SARAH: Stand up for ourselves. Tell the men you're tired of working for
them like slaves.
MEG: We are slaves.
SARAH: Then you should set yourselves free.
MEG: Oh? And how should we do that?
SARAH: Don't you want to be free?
MEG: Women will never be free while there are men in the world, girl.
We have our place.
SARAH: What subservient poppycock. You're still living in the Middle
MEG: You're young and foolish, girl. And I warn you, keep those
thoughts to yourself or you'll not live long enough to grow wiser. I
must tell them their food will soon be ready.
(Meg leaves. Sarah pours some of the Doctor's sleeping potion into the
stewpot then goes over to the girl preparing the oatmeal.)
SARAH: Look at that great spider!
(The girl looks up and screams, and Sarah tips the rest of the potion
into the pot.)
(Rubeish is deprogramming the scientists, singing
to keep the rhythm needed.)
RUBEISH: Oh see me dance the polka, oh see me dah dah dee. (hums the
(The man's eyelids flicker.)
RUBEISH: Ah, that's it. Come on, stand up, my dear chap. Come on. Come
on. That's it.
(There are now five alert scientists, plus Rubeish.)
RUBEISH: Now listen, all of you. You've been kidnapped, but you're
about to be rescued. I hope. There's a machine here that'll send you
home again. Unfortunately, I don't know how to work it, and the chap
who does has vanished. But I expect he'll pop up again. He usually
does. But the important thing is, until then, you must carry on working
as if you were still hypnotised.
MORRISON: Can I ask
RUBEISH: Oh, Morrison, don't start asking a lot of awkward questions. I
assure you I don't know the answers any more than you do.
IRONGRON [OC]: Linx!
RUBEISH: Back to work, everyone. Someone's coming.
(Rubeish hides and Irongron enters.)
IRONGRON: Linx, you dog! Where are you hiding?
(Irongron finds the Doctor's jacket and gives it a shake, growling.
Then he spots the trussed up Sontaran on the floor.)
IRONGRON: Oh, there you are, you dragon eyed toad. Who puts these bonds
(Irongron cuts Linx free.)
LINX: The Doctor. I was struck from behind. Where is he?
IRONGRON: The Doctor is dying.
LINX: What method have you chosen to destroy him?
(Irongron throws the Doctor's jacket at him.)
DOCTOR: Thank you, sir, for your charm and old world courtesy. May I
ask the purpose of this tomfoolery? If you're going to have me shot,
why don't you get on with it?
IRONGRON: I would not have your death be in vain, good sorcerer. I
intend that it shall be of some use to me.
DOCTOR: Nothing that I do will be of use to you, Irongron.
IRONGRON: Oh, nay, Doctor, but you're wrong. These knaves of mine lack
practice with their star weapons. A living target will give them a
chance to better their aim before tomorrow's battle. You, shoot!
(One of the men struggles to pull back the firing pin, then aims and
fires. Although the Doctor moves, he only just misses.)
IRONGRON: These knaves of mine aim so ill, Doctor, that you are mayhap
safer to stand still. You, shoot.
(The Doctor ducks behind Irongron's 'throne' to avoid this shot.)
IRONGRON: The aim improves, Doctor. Be patient. We shall hit the target
all in good time.
DOCTOR: I'm in no great hurry, I assure you.
IRONGRON: Oh, beshrew me, but I grow fond of this fellow. Shoot when
you please, lads, and a bag of gold to the one that brings him down.
SARAH: That noise! I can hear shooting.
MEG: More tomfoolery.
SARAH: What is it? What's happening?
MEG: They've captured Sir Edward's sorcerer, this fellow the Doctor,
and now they're slaying him in the great hall with these devil's
weapons of theirs.
(Sarah runs up the stairs.)
MEG: For the life of me I can't see what's wrong with a good
old-fashioned broad sword.
(The Doctor is still unscathed, and ducking and
weaving. Some men have their backs turned to reload the rifles.)
IRONGRON: By the stars, this fellow hops around like a flea on a
LINX: Give me a weapon. I will destroy him.
IRONGRON: What? Would you spoil good sport, old toad?
(Out in the passageway, Sarah takes off her dress to reveal the lincoln
green tunic and tights underneath. She runs up to the minstrel's
gallery above the main door, where the big iron candelabra is tied to
the railing. The Doctor runs up some steps to a doorway, but it is
locked. Sarah lets the candelabra swing free.)
(The Doctor grabs the big iron ring as it crosses the hall and swings
back past the row of astonished riflemen and runs out.)
[Outside the hall]
(The Doctor bars the doors from the outside and
Sarah comes down the stairs.)
DOCTOR: Well done, Sarah. Just like a daring young man on the flying
trapeze. Come on.
IRONGRON [OC]: Get them!
[Irongron's castle courtyard]
DOCTOR: Sarah, wait. Come on.
(They run across to the main entrance and stroll nonchalantly out
towards the two guards. The Doctor stands between them, and beckons the
men to come closer. They do, and he shows them his hands, palm up then
palm down, then a fist, then a punch in the throat for both.)
[Sir Edward's hall]
DOCTOR: Do you know, I think that was one of the most active days I've
had in years. Well, it's not as if I was a lad anymore, once you're
over two hundred.
EDWARD: So then, Doctor, your plans have miscarried, I fear. What will
you do now?
DOCTOR: Oh, wait a bit. Give the potion time to work and then go back.
SARAH: But Doctor, you can't!
DOCTOR: Sarah, I must. Rubeish and all those scientists are there. Now,
Linx's spaceship is just about ready for takeoff, and when that
happens, there'll be a tremendous explosion and all that will be left
of that castle will be a pile of stones.
EDWARD: But Doctor, how can the castle go?
DOCTOR: Just believe me, sir. When Linx goes, it goes.
ELEANOR: Irongron's castle is to be destroyed by sorcery? Then all is
DOCTOR: There are innocent people in that castle, my lady, and I don't
like the idea of anybody going up in smoke. Not even Irongron.
SARAH: If you're going back, then I'm coming with you.
HAL: I too will come with you, if my master permits.
DOCTOR: Well, thank you. Thank you both. I can do with all the help I
(Linx snatches a component from a scientist and
goes into his spaceship. The men gather to watch as the inside lights
up. Linx comes out again.)
LINX: Thank you, my friends. Your work is finished. You may rest now
for a time until the power build up is complete.
RUBEISH: Doctor, I think you'd better get a move on. I've a feeling
time's beginning to run out.
(The Doctor comes out of the Tardis with a set of
metal strips that form a circular fan. The guards at Irongron's castle
begin to fall asleep at their posts as he joins Hal and Sarah, who is
now back in her dark suit.)
DOCTOR: Good evening.
SARAH: It's working, Doctor. Look.
HAL: Aye, the villains sleep like innocent babes.
DOCTOR: Good. Well, we'll wait a bit to be on the safe side, and then
we'll go in.
RUBEISH: At last, Doctor, there you are. Something
most interesting happening here.
DOCTOR: Yes, so I see. Where's Linx?
RUBEISH: I don't know. He started his spaceship going then cleared off.
DOCTOR: Where's the osmic projector? It was over there on the table.
RUBEISH: He put everything back inside the ship.
DOCTOR: Well, I'll just have to take it out again, won't I. Hal, scout
around the castle. See if Irongron and his men are sleeping. If they
are, disarm them and come back here.
SARAH: What are you going to do, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Get the osmic projector. Fortunately it's an independent unit.
SARAH: Well, can't you switch this thing off?
DOCTOR: Well, I can try.
SARAH: Suppose you don't succeed?
DOCTOR: Then we've got between five and ten minutes to get out of here
before we're all blown to kingdom come.
(As the Doctor rummages around in Linx's spaceship, Hal steps carefully
over a sleeping guard and takes his sword from him.)
SARAH: Couldn't you shut it down?
DOCTOR: No, the drive system is sealed. Linx must have taken the
activator key. I managed to get a hold of this, though. I was lucky to
get it out with the drive running. I think that should do it.
(The Doctor adjusts the osmic projector.)
DOCTOR: I've got to send them back one at a time. Get the first one to
stand over there, will you, Rubeish?
RUBEISH: Come on, Morrison.
DOCTOR: All right, Rubeish, come over here. I may want you to take
over. Now then, all you have to do is this, this and this. Get it.
DOCTOR: Right, here goes.
(Striped pajamas disappears.)
DOCTOR: Right, that ought to surprise them back at the Research Centre.
Next gentleman, please.
RUBEISH: Come on.
(The men are still eating.)
IRONGRON: For the last time, Linx, let there be no more talk of
LINX: And I tell you for the last time, I am leaving now. Our alliance
is at an end.
IRONGRON: It ends when I say it ends and not before.
LINX: You would be well advised to march from this castle now and
capture another. Soon you will have need of it.
BLOODAXE: He threatens us, Captain.
IRONGRON: He does not understand our ways. Tomorrow, Linx, we smite the
enemy, hip and thigh. But tonight, we feast.
LINX: By your dawn I shall be seven hundred million miles from here.
Can I be concerned with the fate of primitives?
(Linx leaves to laughter.)
BLOODAXE: What did he mean, Captain?
IRONGRON: He is a toad. Who know what a toad thinks?
BLOODAXE: Aye, Captain, 'tis truly said.
(Bloodaxe falls asleep in his plate.)
IRONGRON: This stew has made me heavy.
(Another man falls asleep where he sits.)
(More start snoring, and Irongron also rests his head.)
(Another scientist is sent home, then the door
DOCTOR: That's Linx. Send the rest of them back. I'll try and keep him
(The Doctor hands the osmic projector to Rubeish, picks up his
reflector and opens it. Linx uses his ray gun and the Doctor shields
himself. And again, so Linx resorts to brute force and smashes it out
of the Doctor's hands. The Doctor uses a few Venusian aikido moves
while Rubeish sets the projector again.)
(Hal is disarming the men when Irongron wakes and
IRONGRON: Trickery! Sorcery!
(Irongron throws Hal to the floor, knocking him out.)
IRONGRON: What sorcery! Treachery! That toad Linx bewitched us all!
(Irongron draws his sword and storms out.)
SARAH: Now you, professor.
RUBEISH: I really don't think I ought to go and leave you.
SARAH: Off you go now. Now then. This, this and this.
RUBEISH: Well, goodbye and good luck. It really has been a most
fascinating experience. I hope you and the Doctor will be all right.
See you back at the Research Centre.
(Rubeish disappears. Linx throws the Doctor across the room.)
(Linx picks up his ray gun as Irongron enters.)
IRONGRON: So, destroy my castle by sorcery, would you, toad face? Well,
Irongron's magic is too strong for you!
(Irongron raises his sword and Linx kills him. Then Linx goes into his
spaceship and adjusts some controls.)
(Hal wakes, goes to Bloodaxe and shakes him.)
HAL: Now listen, dog. In minutes now this castle will be destroyed by
the sorcery. If you'd save your miserable skins, then get you gone!
(Hal runs out, and his words finally make it through to Bloodaxe's
BLOODAXE: Flee, dogs! Flee for your life! Come on, waken, you dogs! And
flee, flee for your lives, you dogs! Waken! Waken up! Now flee!
SARAH: Doctor, do get up. We've got to get you
(Hal runs in. The spaceship door is closing, but the archer still
manages to loose an arrow straight into Linx's probic vent. As he dies,
Linx hits a large switch.)
DOCTOR: Something's gone wrong. He must have hit the take off button
too soon. Come on, we've got about a minute to get out of here. Quick,
(Computer equipment starts to explode and the spaceship glows red.)
(The explosion knocks the Doctor, Sarah and Hal to
the ground. They get up, dust the leaf litter off and walk over to the
DOCTOR: Well, you can tell Sir Edward that his problems are over, Hal.
Irongron, his castle, his magic weapons and his sorcerer, they're all
HAL: Will you not tell him yourself, Doctor? He will reward you well.
We owe you much.
DOCTOR: I'm sorry. I'm afraid we must be off. Goodbye, Hal.
HAL: Goodbye, Doctor.
HAL: Goodbye. You are truly a great magician, Doctor.
DOCTOR: To tell you the truth, Hal, I'm not a magician at all.
SARAH: I'm not so sure about that.
(The Doctor and Sarah go into the Tardis, and it dematerialises.)