(The Tardis is in flight. Suddenly a fog horn
sounds and a ship's bow crashes through the side of the Tardis.)
DOCTOR: What? What?
(A ship's bell sounds, and he picks up life belt that has the name
Titanic on it.)
(The Doctor returns to the console and adjusts the controls. The Tardis
walls reform, pushing the ship back outside. Then he materialises
inside the ship, next to a board detailing a list of shipping
companies. The fog horn is sounding again.)
(People in Edwardian dress are enjoying a champagne
buffet. A band plays a slow version of Jingle Bells. Around the room
are golden skinned statues of male angels. One moves as the Doctor
walks past. Then he spots a small red-skinned alien in a dinner jacket,
and goes to a window.)
TANNOY: Attention all passengers. The Titanic is now in orbit above Sol
Three, also known as Earth. Population, Human. Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Christmas.
(Captain Hardaker and his crew are also in
Edwardian era uniforms, and the bridge is elegantly period, but the
hi-tech. Are we in for Robots of Death meets Terminus, or a version of
Douglas Adams' Starship Titanic?)
CAPTAIN: Nice and steady. Good work, Mister Cavill. And maintain
position. Now then, gentlemen, according to the traditions of the
planet below, Christmas is a time of celebration. I think you might be
entitled to a tot of rum. Just the one. Off you go. I'll keep watch.
(The helmsman salutes and leaves, followed by others. Just the youngest
CAPTAIN: And you. What was it?
FRAME: Midshipman Frame, sir. Only just qualified, sir. First trip out.
CAPTAIN: Then you can stand down, Midshipman.
FRAME: Er, but, er, regulations say the bridge has to be staffed by two
crewmembers at any one time, sir.
CAPTAIN: Well said. Very good. Well, it should be nice and quiet. It's
only a level five planet down below. They don't even know we're here.
Silent Night, I believe they call it. A silent night.
(A recording of a bald man with a thin moustache
sitting behind a desk.)
CAPRICORN [on screen]: Max Capricorn Cruiseliners. The fastest, the
farthest, the best. And I should know because my name is Max.
(His gold tooth glints in the light.
The screen returns to the logo, and the lady singer croons Winter
Wonderland. The Doctor has changed into dinner jacket and bow tie.)
STEWARD: Merry Christmas, sir.
DOCTOR: Merry Christmas.
(Couples are dancing to the music. The Doctor mingles, passing a man on
his mobile phone.)
SLADE: It's not a holiday for me, not while I've still got my vone. Now
do as I say and sell.
(The Doctor goes up to one of the angels.)
DOCTOR: Evening. Passenger fifty seven. Terrible memory. Remind me. You
HOST: Information. Heavenly Host supplying tourist information.
DOCTOR: Good, so, tell me, because I'm an idiot, where are we from?
HOST: Information. The Titanic is en route from the planet Sto in the
Cassavalian Belt. The purpose of the cruise is to experience primitive
DOCTOR: Titanic. Who thought of the name?
HOST: Information. It was chosen as the most famous vessel of the
DOCTOR: Did they tell you why it was famous?
HOST: Information. All designations are chosen by Mister Max Capricorn,
president of Max, Max, Max
(The Host twitches and its voice pitch rises. The Steward notices and
DOCTOR: Ooo, bit of a glitch.
STEWARD: It's all right, sir, we can handle this.
(Two more officers arrive and they switch off the Host before carrying
STEWARD: Software problem, that's all. Leave it with us, sir. Merry
Christmas. That's another one down. What's going on with these
[Host maintenance room]
STEWARD: That's eight of them now on the blink. One
woman, she asked the Host to fix her necklace. It almost broke her
neck. In First Class.
ENGINEER: I've been over the robotics. Nothing. It's like something's
got into them. Some kind of bug.
(Another Host is brought in on a forklift.)
ENGINEER: Whoa, wait, wait, wait. Over there. Bay fifteen.
STEWARD: Tell you what. If you can't fix them, throw them overboard.
(The new broken Host watches him leave.)
(Slade bumps into the little waitress, making her
drop her tray of drinks.)
SLADE: For Tov's sake, look where you're going. This jacket's a genuine
ASTRID: I'm sorry, sir.
(Yes, that is Kylie Minogue.)
SLADE: You'll be sorry when it comes off your wages, sweetheart.
Staffed by idiots. No wonder Max Capricorn's going down the drain.
(Slade leaves. The Doctor stoops to help.)
DOCTOR: Careful. There we go.
ASTRID: Thank you, sir. I can manage.
DOCTOR: I never said you couldn't. I'm the Doctor, by the way.
ASTRID: Astrid, sir. Astrid Peth.
DOCTOR: Nice to meet you, Astrid Peth. Merry Christmas.
ASTRID: Merry Christmas, sir.
DOCTOR: Just Doctor, not sir.
ASTRID: You enjoying the cruise?
DOCTOR: Er, yeah, I suppose. I don't know. It doesn't quite work, a
cruise on your own.
ASTRID: You're not with anyone?
DOCTOR: No, no, just me. Just, er, used to be but, er, no. What about
you? Long way from home, Planet Sto.
ASTRID: Doesn't feel that different. I spent three years working at the
spaceport diner, travelled all the way here and I'm still waiting on
DOCTOR: No shore leave?
ASTRID: We're not allowed. They can't afford the insurance. I just
wanted to try it, just once. I used to watch the ships heading out to
the stars and I always dreamt of. It sounds daft.
DOCTOR: You dreamt of another sky. New sun, new air, new life. A whole
universe teeming with life. Why stand still when there're all that life
ASTRID: So, you travel a lot?
DOCTOR: All the time. Just for fun. Well, that's the plan. Never quite
ASTRID: Must be rich, though.
DOCTOR: Haven't got a penny. Stowaway.
DOCTOR: Oh, yeah.
ASTRID: How did you get on board?
DOCTOR: Accident. I've got this, sort of, ship thing. I was just
rebuilding her. Left the defences down. Bumped into the Titanic. Here I
am. Bit of a party. I thought, why not?
ASTRID: I should report you.
DOCTOR: Go on then.
ASTRID: I'll get you a drink on the house.
(Over at another table, a bunch of toffs are laughing at a large woman
in a purple cowboy outfit and her equally well padded companion. The
Doctor joins them.)
MORVIN: (the man) Just ignore them.
DOCTOR: Something's tickled them.
FOON: (the woman) They told us it was fancy dress. Very funny, I'm
MORVIN: They're just picking on us because we haven't paid. We won our
tickets in a competition.
FOON: I had to name the five husbands of Joofie Crystalle in By the
Light of the Asteroid. Did you ever watch By the Light of the Asteroid?
DOCTOR: Is that the one with the twins?
FOON: That's it. Oh, it's marvellous.
MORVIN: But we're not good enough for that lot. They think we should be
DOCTOR: Well, can't have that, can we?
(With his back towards the toffs, the Doctor aims his sonic screwdriver
at the champagne bottle in the bucket on their table. The cork pops
out, spraying their expensive clothes with alcohol.)
FOON: Did you do that?
FOON: We like you.
MORVIN: We do. I'm Morvin Van Hoff. This is my good woman, Foon.
DOCTOR: Foon. Hello, I'm the Doctor.
FOON: Oh, I'm going to need a Doctor, time I've finished with that
buffet. Have a buffalo wing. They must be enormous, these buffalo. So
TANNOY: Attention please. Shore leave tickets Red Six Seven now
activated. Red Six Seven.
FOON: Red Six Seven. That's us. Are you Red Six Seven?
DOCTOR: Might as well be.
MORVIN: Come on, then. We're going to Earth.
(A small alarm is beeping.)
FRAME: Seems to be power diverted to Deck thirty one, sir. It flared up
then it stopped.
CAPTAIN: Nothing to worry about. She's an old ship, full of aches and
FRAME: Picking up a meteoroid shower portside, bearing west fifty six
CAPTAIN: Pretty standard in this part of space. Miles away.
FRAME: We could probably see it, sir.
(Frame uses binoculars to look at three trails of flame in the vacuum
(A man in a tweed suit is holding up a sign.)
COPPER: Red Six Seven. Red Six Seven. This way, fast as you can.
ASTRID: I got you that drink.
DOCTOR: And I got you a treat. Come on.
COPPER: Red Six Seven departing shortly.
(The Doctor shows him the psychic paper.)
DOCTOR: Red Six Seven plus one.
COPPER: Quickly, sir, please, and take two teleport bracelets if you
(Very Blake's 7, another BBC sci fi hit.)
ASTRID: I'll get the sack.
DOCTOR: Brand new sky.
COPPER: To repeat, I am Mister Copper, the ship's historian, and I
shall be taking you to old London town in the country of UK, ruled over
by good King Wenceslas. Now, human beings worship the great god Santa,
a creature with fearsome claws, and his wife Mary. And every Christmas
Eve, the people of UK go to war with the country of Turkey. They then
eat the Turkey people for Christmas dinner like savages.
DOCTOR: Excuse me. Sorry, sorry, but, er, where did you get all this
COPPER: Well, I have a first class degree in Earthonomics. Now, stand
(The little red alien runs up.)
BANNAKAFFALATTA: And me! And me! Red Six Seven.
COPPER: Well, take a bracelet, please, sir.
DOCTOR: But, er, hold on, hold on. What was your name?
DOCTOR: Okay, Bannakaffalatta. But it's Christmas Eve down there. Late
night shopping, tons of people. He's like a talking conker. No offence,
but you'll cause a riot because the streets are going to be packed with
shoppers and parties and
(The group are teleported in mid word to an empty
COPPER: Now, spending money. I have a credit card in Earth currency if
you want to buy trinkets, or stockings, or the local delicacy, which is
known as beef. But don't stray too far, it could be dangerous. Any day
now they start boxing.
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Very good.
DOCTOR: It should be full. It should be busy. Something's wrong.
ASTRID: But it's beautiful.
DOCTOR: Really? Do you think so? It's just a street. The pyramids are
beautiful, and New Zealand.
ASTRID: But it's a different planet. I'm standing on a different
planet. There's concrete and shops. Alien shops. Real alien shops!
Look, no stars in the sky. And it smells. It stinks! Oh, this is
amazing. Thank you!
DOCTOR: Yeah? Come on then, let's have a look.
(Next to the news stand is a billboard for The Examiner, headline -
London Deserted. The proprietor has a Union Flag behind him. This is
Bernard Cribbins, once a companion of the Peter Cushing Doctor.)
DOCTOR: Hello, there. Sorry, obvious question, but where's everybody
WILF: Oh ho, scared!
DOCTOR: Right. Yes. Scared of what?
WILF: Where've you been living? London at Christmas? Not safe, is it.
WILF: Well, it's them, up above. Look, Christmas before last we had
that big bloody spaceship, everyone standing on a roof. And then last
year, that Christmas Star electrocuting all over the place, draining
ASTRID: This place is amazing.
WILF: And this year, Lord knows what. So, everybody's scarpered. Gone
to the country. All except me and Her Majesty.
NICHOLAS WITCHELL [on TV]: Her Majesty the Queen has confirmed that
she'll be staying in Buckingham Palace throughout the festive season to
show the people of London, and the world, that there's nothing to fear.
WILF: God bless her. We stand vigil.
DOCTOR: Well, between you and me, I think her Majesty's got it right.
Far as I know, this year, nothing to worry about.
(The Doctor and Astrid vanish.)
WILF: Then again.
DOCTOR: I was in mid-sentence.
COPPER: Yes, I'm sorry about that. A bit of a problem. If I could have
STEWARD: Apologies, ladies and gentlemen, and Bannakaffalatta. We seem
to have suffered a slight power fluctuation. If you'd like to return to
the festivities. And on behalf of Max Capricorn Cruiseliners, free
drinks will be provided.
FOON: Thank you.
ASTRID: That was the best. The best!
DOCTOR: What sort of power fluctuation?
(Frame watches the improbably burning objects turn
towards the Titanic.)
FRAME: That's a bit odd, sir. The meteoroids are changing course.
Still, we can put the shields up to maximum, just in case.
CAPTAIN: As you were, Midshipman.
FRAME: Sir? You're magnetising the hull, sir. It's drawing the meteors
COMPUTER: Port turning Earthside.
FRAME: I take it that's deliberate.
COMPUTER: Port turning Earthside.
FRAME: Bit of a light show for the guests.
CAPTAIN: Something like that.
(The singer is crooning 'The Stowaway', by Murray
SINGER: You shouldn't be here. What's your tale? I ought to throw you
to the whale. He just smiled and said, come here, let's dance. He said,
borrow or steal, I'll find a way to be with my lover upon Christmas
Day. And I'll run and I'll roam, I'll cover the ground. This Christmas
I'll see you. I'll be around.
CAPRICORN [in picture frame]: And I should know because my name is Max.
The fastest, the furthest, the best. My name is Max.
(The Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver to unfasten the frame and get at
the electronics behind it. He changes the image to ship's status. The
shields are off-line. The Doctor looks out of the nearby porthole to
see the three fireballs heading their way.)
(The speaking tube whistles.)
DOCTOR [OC]: Is that the bridge? I need to talk to the Captain. You've
got a meteoroid storm coming in
DOCTOR: West zero by north two.
CAPTAIN: Who is this?
DOCTOR: Never mind that, your shields are down.
Check your scanners, Captain. You've got meteoroids coming in and now
CAPTAIN: You have no authorisation. You will clear
the comms at once.
DOCTOR: Yeah? Just look starboard!
STEWARD: Come with me, sir.
FRAME: But he's right, sir. The shields have been
CAPTAIN: Step away from there.
FRAME: But we have to re energise them.
CAPTAIN: I said step away, Midshipman.
(The Captain points a revolver at Frame.)
(The Doctor is being escorted off deck.)
DOCTOR: You've got a rock storm heading for this ship and the shields
CAPTAIN: They promised me old men.
FRAME: I'm sorry, sir?
CAPTAIN: On the crew. Sea dogs. Men who'd had their time. Not boys.
(The Doctor gets away from his escort.)
SINGER: Be with my lover on next Christmas Day, and I'll run and I'll
roam, I'll cover the ground.
(The Doctor takes the microphone stand from the singer.)
DOCTOR: Everyone, listen to me! This is an emergency! Get to the lifeb
(A Host puts its hand over the Doctor's mouth.)
FRAME: I'm sorry, sir. It's my duty!
(Frame reaches for the controls, and the Captain shoots him.)
DOCTOR: Look out the windows!
(The Doctor is taken away.)
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Him friend.
(Slade sees the meteoroids.)
DOCTOR: If you don't believe me, check the shields yourself.
ASTRID: Sir, I can vouch for him!
MORVIN: Look, Steward, he's just had a bit too much to drink.
COPPER: Sir, something seems to have gone wrong. All the teleports have
STEWARD: Not now!
(A piece of hot rock breaks through a window and lands at Slade's
COMPUTER: Oxygen membrane holding. Oxygen membrane holding.
(Slade goes to a nearby Host.)
SLADE: You there. Has anyone checked the external shielding?
HOST: Information. You are all going to die.
(On the bridge, the Captain is at the wheel whilst Frame is lying on
the floor, bleeding from a wound to his upper right chest.)
SLADE: Where's the Chief Steward?
OFFICER: Er, he went that way, sir.
DOCTOR: The shields are down. We are going to get
FRAME: You're going to kill us.
CAPTAIN: I'm dying already. Six months. And they offered me so much
money for my family.
SLADE: Oi! Steward! I'm telling you, the shields
DOCTOR: Listen to him. Listen to him!
CAPRICORN [on screen]: Max Capricorn.
WOMAN: Darling, come and have a look at this.
CAPRICORN [on screen]: Fastest
COMPUTER: Red Alert. Red Alert.
CAPRICORN [on screen]: The furthest. The best.
(The first fireball impacts the Titanic dead centre. Fires, panic.)
STEWARDESS: Please, stay calm.
(The other two hit fore and aft.)
[Host Maintenance room]
(The damaged robots are reactivating.)
ENGINEER: Bert! Bert! Help me! Help!
(Debris falls on him.)
(An explosion sends the Doctor and Astrid flying,
then everything goes quiet, apart from people whimpering.)
MORVIN: It's all right, sweetheart.
DOCTOR: Shush. It's stopping.
(There are three large holes in the hull.)
DOCTOR: You all right?
ASTRID: I think so.
DOCTOR: Bad name for a ship. Either that or this suit is really
CAPRICORN [OC]: My name is Max. My name is Max. My name is Max.
STEWARD: Er, everyone. Ladies and gentlemen, Bannakaffalatta. I must
apologise on behalf of Max Capricorn Cruiseliners. We seem to have had
a small collision.
SLADE: Do you know how much I paid for my ticket?
STEWARD: If I could have silence, ladies, gentlemen. Please. Quiet!
Thank you. I'm sure Max Capricorn Cruiseliners will be able to
reimburse you for any inconvenience, but first I would point out that
we're very much alive.
(Mister Copper has a cut on his head.)
DOCTOR: Are you all right?
STEWARD: She is, after all, a fine, sturdy ship. If you could all stay
here while I ascertain the exact nature of the situation.
(The Chief Steward goes to a nearby hatch.)
DOCTOR: Don't open it!
(Too late. The Chief Steward is sucked out into space. Everybody hangs
onto the nearest fixed object while the Doctor sonics a control panel
that is flashing Vacuum Breach. It changes to Oxygen Shield.)
COMPUTER: Oxygen shield stabilised.
DOCTOR: Everyone all right? Astrid?
DOCTOR: Foon? Morvin? Mister Copper? Bannakaffalatta?
DOCTOR: You, what was your name?
SLADE: Rickston Slade.
DOCTOR: You all right?
SLADE: No thanks to that idiot.
ASTRID: The steward just died.
SLADE: Then he's a dead idiot.
DOCTOR: All right, calm down. Just stay still, all of you. Hold on.
ASTRID: What happened? How come the shields were down?
DOCTOR: I don't think it was an accident.
(They look out of the hatchway and the hole in the side of the ship to
the floating debris and bodies.)
ASTRID: How many dead?
DOCTOR: We're alive. Just focus on that. I will get you out of here,
Astrid, I promise. Look at me. I promise. Good. Now, if we can get to
Reception, I've got a spaceship tucked away. We can all get on board
ASTRID: What is it? What's wrong?
DOCTOR: That's my ship over there.
DOCTOR: There. That box. That little blue box.
ASTRID: That's a spaceship?
DOCTOR: Oi, don't knock it.
ASTRID: It's a bit small.
DOCTOR: A bit distant. Trouble is, once it's set adrift, it's
programmed to lock onto the nearest centre of gravity, and that would
be the Earth.
[Host Maintenance room]
(The Chief Engineer is trapped by a fallen girder.)
ENGINEER: Don't just stand there. Get this thing off me. Host, that's
an order. Help me! That's your job, isn't it?
HOST: Information. We now have only one function.
ENGINEER: And what's that?
HOST: Information. To kill.
ENGINEER: What are you doing? Host, I'm ordering you. Stop it. Stop it
(The Host removes its metal halo and throws it at the Chief Engineer,
(The Doctor uses a speaking tube.)
DOCTOR: Deck twenty two to the bridge. Deck twenty two to the
DOCTOR [OC]: Bridge. Is there anyone there?
FRAME: This is the bridge.
DOCTOR: Oh hello, sailor. Good to hear you. What's
the situation up there?
FRAME: We've got air. The oxygen field is holding,
but the Captain, he's dead. He did it. I watched while he took down the
shields. There was nothing I could do.
FRAME [OC]: I tried. I did try.
DOCTOR: All right. Just stay calm. Tell me your name. What's your name?
FRAME: Midshipman Frame.
DOCTOR: Nice to meet you, sir. What's the state of
FRAME: They're er. Hold on.
FRAME [OC]: Oh!
DOCTOR: Have you been injured?
FRAME: I'm all right.
FRAME [OC]: Oh, my Vot.
FRAME: They're cycling down.
DOCTOR: That's a nuclear storm drive, yes?
FRAME [OC]: Yeah.
DOCTOR: The moment they're gone
DOCTOR [OC]: We lose orbit.
FRAME: The planet.
DOCTOR: Oh, yes. If we hit the planet, the nuclear
storm explodes and wipes out life on Earth. Midshipman, I need you to
fire up the engine containment field and feed it back into the core.
FRAME: This is never going to work.
DOCTOR [OC]: Trust me, it'll keep the engines going until I can get
DOCTOR: To the bridge.
FOON: We're going to die.
COPPER: Are you saying someone's done this on purpose?
FOON: We are. We're going to die.
ASTRID: We're just a cruise ship.
DOCTOR: Okay, okay. Shush, shush, shush, shush, shush. First things
first. One. We are going to climb through this ship. B. No. Two. We're
going to reach the bridge. Three. Or C. We're going to save the
Titanic. And, coming in a very low four, or D, or that little iv in
brackets they use in footnotes, why. Right then, follow me.
SLADE: Hang on a minute. Who put you in charge and who the hell are you
DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor. I'm a Time Lord. I'm from the planet Gallifrey
in the constellation of Kasterborous. I'm nine hundred and three years
old and I'm the man who's going to save your lives and all six billion
people on the planet below. You got a problem with that?
DOCTOR: In that case, allons-y!
(The Doctor pushes open a bulkhead door with just a
little debris against it.)
DOCTOR: Careful. Follow me.
COPPER: Rather ironic, but this is very much in the spirit of
Christmas. It's a festival of violence. They say that human beings only
survive depending on whether they've been good or bad. It's barbaric.
DOCTOR: Actually, that's not true. Christmas is a time of, of peace and
thanksgiving and what am I on about? My Christmases are always like
(He finds a Host under some metal plates.)
DOCTOR: We've got a Host. Strength of ten. If we can mend it, we can
use it to fix the rubble.
MORVIN: We can do robotics. Both of us.
FOON: We work on the milk market back on Sto. It's all robot staff.
DOCTOR: See if you can get it working. Let's have a look.
(The Doctor leads the rest of them further up.)
ASTRID: It's blocked.
DOCTOR: So what do we do?
ASTRID: We shift it.
DOCTOR: That's the attitude. Rickston, Mister Copper, and you,
Bannakaffalatta. Look, can I just call you Banna? It's
going to save a lot of time.
BANNAKAFFALATTA: No. Bannakaffalatta.
DOCTOR: All right then, Bannakaffalatta. There's a gap in the middle.
See if you can get through.
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Easy. Good.
(The ship shakes and more debris shifts.)
SLADE: This whole thing could come crashing down any minute.
DOCTOR: Oh, Rickston, I forgot. Did you get that message?
SLADE: No. What message?
DOCTOR: Shut up!
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Bannakaffalatta made it.
ASTRID: I'm small enough, I can get through.
ASTRID: I'm fine.
SLADE: Thing is, how are Mister and Mrs Fatso going to get through that
DOCTOR: We make the gap bigger. So start.
(Foon has heard the comment.)
MORVIN: Hey, hey. Come on, sweetheart. Don't listen to him.
FOON: No, but it's all my fault, though. The tickets.
MORVIN: We won them fair and square.
FOON: I know. I never told you. I dialed the competition line five
thousand times. That's five thousand credits. I might as well have paid
for the tickets. I've been hiding the vone bill for months now.
MORVIN: Five thousand credits? You spent five thousand credits?
FOON: Don't hate me.
FOON: What's so funny?
MORVIN: Five thousand?
FOON: We'll never pay that off.
MORVIN: I know. I'll have to work twenty years, you mad, bloody woman.
FOON: You're not cross?
MORVIN: Does it matter? Look at us. You drive me barmy. I don't half
love you, Mrs Van Hoff. Come here.
SLADE: What happened? Did they find a doughnut?
ASTRID: I can clear it from this side. Just tell me if it starts
moving. Bannakaffalatta, what's wrong?
ASTRID: What is it?
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Can't say.
ASTRID: Are you hurt?
ASTRID: Of what?
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Poor Bannakaffalatta.
(He pulls up his shirt to reveal -)
ASTRID: You're a cyborg.
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Had accident long ago. Secret.
ASTRID: No, but everything's changed now. Cyborgs are getting equal
rights. They passed a law back on Sto. You can even get married.
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Marry you?
ASTRID: Well, you can buy me a drink first. Come on. Let's recharge
you. Just stay there for a bit.
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Tell no one.
ASTRID: I promise.
DOCTOR: What's going on up there?
ASTRID: I think Bannakaffalatta and I just got engaged.
(Frame is using the first aid kit when the comms
FRAME: This is the bridge.
KITCHEN HAND: This is kitchen number five.
FRAME: How many of you are there?
KITCHEN HAND: Six of us, just about. Are we the
only ones left alive, sir?
FRAME: No. There's more on deck nineteen. Hold on.
If I reverse the scanner. There are fifty, sixty people still alive all
over the ship.
FRAME [OC]: Hold on.
FRAME: I can see you. Kitchen five, there you are.
Listen, everyone's heading for the bridge. Don't go portside, there's
FRAME [OC]: Can you make your way starboard?
KITCHEN HAND: We're stuck. The doors have sealed. We can't get out. No,
wait a minute. It's opening. There's someone on the other side.
(The bulkhead door swings open.)
KITCHEN HAND: Host. We've got Host.
KITCHEN HAND [OC]: The Host are still working.
FRAME: Oh, that's brilliant.
FRAME [OC]: Tell them to clear a path up to the
(The four Host remove their halos.)
FRAME: Did you get that? Kitchen five, report.
Hello, Kitchen five?
(Screams then the lifesign indicators go out.)
KITCHEN HAND [OC]: It's the Ho
MORVIN: Almost done!
DOCTOR: Good, good, good. Mister Frame, how's things?
FRAME: Doctor, I've got life signs all over the
ship but they're going out one by one.
DOCTOR: What is it? Are they losing air?
FRAME [OC]: One of them said it's the Host. It's
something to do with the Host.
MORVIN: It's working!
DOCTOR: Turn it off!
FOON: I can't, Doctor!
HOST: Kill. Kill. Kill.
(The Host has Morvin by the throat. The Doctor gets out the sonic
DOCTOR: Double deadlock!
(He pulls the Host's hands off Morvin's throat.)
DOCTOR: Quickly, go upstairs!
FOON: Run, darling, run!
HOST: Information. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.
MORVIN: Foon! Foon!
DOCTOR: Rickston, get them through!
SLADE: No chance.
(Slade gets through the gap.)
FOON: I'll never get through there.
COPPER: Yes, you can. Let me go first.
(The Host swings at the Doctor, but misses.)
HOST: Kill. Kill.
DOCTOR: It's the Host, they've gone berserk.
DOCTOR: Are you safe up there?
(Host arrive at the entrance to the bridge.)
HOST: Kill. Kill. Kill
(Frame gets to the door control and it slams shut, trapping a Host's
FOON: Now I'm stuck!
ASTRID: Come on, you can do it!
(The debris shifts.)
COPPER: It's going to collapse.
(Copper levers the debris up with a metal bar and Foon gets through.)
COPPER: Rickston, vot damn it, help me.
SLADE: No way.
DOCTOR: Morvin, get through!
HOST: Kill. Kill. Kill.
ASTRID: Doctor, he's stuck!
(The Doctor pushes at Morvin's ample behind.)
DOCTOR: Mister van Hoff, I know we've only just met, but you'll have to
(Morvin pops through the hole.)
ASTRID: That's it. We've got you. Doctor, come on, get through.
DOCTOR: Information override! You will tell me the point of origin of
your command structure!
COPPER: I can't hold it!
HOST: Information. Deck thirty one.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
(He gets through the gap.)
DOCTOR: Thank you. Let go!
(Copper lets the bar go and the debris smashes down on the Host's head.
Up on the bridge, Frame gets the door sealed, chopping off the Host's
hand. It looks at him through the window in the bulkhead.)
(There is a trolley of sandwiches nearby.)
FOON: Morvin, look. Food.
SLADE: Oh great. Someone's happy.
MORVIN: Don't have any then.
DOCTOR [OC]: Mister Frame, are you still there?
FRAME: Yes, sir, but I've got Host outside. I've sealed the door.
DOCTOR: They've been programmed to kill. Why would
anyone do that?
FRAME: That's not the only problem, Doctor. I had
to use a maximum deadlock on the door, which means no one can get in.
I'm sealed off. Even if you can fix the Titanic
FRAME [OC]: You can't get to the bridge.
DOCTOR: Yeah, right, fine. One problem at a time. What's on deck thirty
FRAME: Er, that's down below. It's nothing. It's
just the Host storage deck. That's where we keep the robots.
DOCTOR: Well, what's that? Do you see that panel?
Black. It's registering nothing. No power, no heat, no light.
FRAME: I've never seen it before.
DOCTOR: One hundred percent shielded. What's down there?
FRAME: I'll try intensifying the scanner.
DOCTOR: Let me know if you find anything. And keep
those engines going.
ASTRID: Saved you some. You might be a Time King from Gaddabee but you
need to eat.
DOCTOR: Yeah, thanks.
ASTRID: So, you look good for nine hundred and three.
DOCTOR: You should see me in the mornings.
COPPER: Doctor, it must be well past midnight, Earth time. Christmas
DOCTOR: So it is. Merry Christmas.
ASTRID: This Christmas thing, what's it all about?
DOCTOR: Long story. I should know, I was there. I got the last room.
COPPER: But if the planet's waking up, can't we signal them? They could
send up a rocket or something.
DOCTOR: They don't have spaceships.
COPPER: No, I read about it. They have shuffles. Space shuffles.
DOCTOR: Mister Copper, this degree in Earthonomics, where's it from?
DOCTOR: Just between us.
COPPER: Mrs Golightly's Happy Travelling University and Dry Cleaners.
ASTRID: You, you lied to the company to get the job?
COPPER: I wasted my life on Sto. I was a travelling salesman, always on
the road, and I reached retirement with nothing to show for it. Not
even a home. And Earth sounded so exotic.
DOCTOR: Hmm. I suppose it is, yeah.
ASTRID: How come you know it so well?
DOCTOR: I was sort of, a few years ago, I was sort of made, well, sort
of homeless, and, er, there was the Earth.
COPPER: The thing is, if we survive this, there'll be police and all
sorts of investigations. Now the minimum penalty for space lane fraud
is ten years in jail. I'm an old man. I won't survive ten years.
DOCTOR: A Host! Move! Come on!
(The Doctor leads them through the next bulkhead to
catwalk and a narrow fallen beam forming walkway across a massive empty
space in the middle of the ship.)
SLADE: Is that the only way across?
DOCTOR: On the other hand, it is a way across.
ASTRID: The engines are open.
DOCTOR: Nuclear storm drive. As soon as it stops, the Titanic falls.
MORVIN: But that thing, it'll never take our weight.
SLADE: You're going last, mate.
DOCTOR: It's nitrofin metal. It's stronger than it looks.
MORVIN: All the same, Rickston's right. Me and Foon should
(Morvin steps forward and the metal under his foot gives way. He falls
towards the engine furnace.)
SLADE: I told you. I told you!
COPPER: Just shut up. Shut up!
FOON: Bring him back! Can't you bring him back? Bring him back, Doctor!
DOCTOR: I can't. I'm sorry, I can't.
FOON: You promised me.
DOCTOR: I know. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
COPPER: Doctor, I rather think that those things have got our scent.
SLADE: I'm not waiting.
DOCTOR: Careful. Take it slowly!
(The ship shakes and Slade falls onto the beam.)
SLADE: Oh, Vot help me.
DOCTOR: You're okay. A step at a time. Come on, you can do it.
HOST [OC]: Kill. Kill. Kill.
COPPER: They're getting nearer.
DOCTOR: Seal us in.
COPPER: You're leaving us trapped, wouldn't you say?
DOCTOR: Never say trapped, just inconveniently circumstanced.
(The Doctor sonics the bulkhead controls.)
SLADE: I'm okay.
FOON: Maybe he's all right. Maybe, maybe there's a gravity curve down
there or something. I don't know. Maybe he's just unconscious.
ASTRID: I'm sorry, Foon. He's gone.
(As Foon sobs in Astrid's arms, Rickston Slade makes it to the other
SLADE: Yes. Oh. yes! Who's good!
DOCTOR: Bannakaffalatta, you go next.
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Bannakaffalatta small.
(The Host are hammering on the bulkhead door.)
COPPER: They've found us.
DOCTOR: Astrid, get across right now.
ASTRID: What about you?
DOCTOR: Just do it. Go on. Mister Copper, we can't wait.
COPPER: No, but we
DOCTOR: Don't argue. Foon, you've got to get across right now.
FOON: What for? What am I going to do without him?
SLADE: Doctor? The door's locked!
DOCTOR: Just think. What would he want, eh?
FOON: He don't want nothing. He's dead.
SLADE: Doctor, I can't open the door. We need the whirling key thing of
DOCTOR: I can't leave her.
SLADE: She'll get us all killed if we can't get out.
DOCTOR: Mrs van Hoff, I am coming back for you. All right?
(The Doctor follows the other three across the rickety bridge.)
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Too many people!
DOCTOR: Oi! Don't get spiky with me. Keep going.
(Bannakaffalatta gets across the weakest bit in the middle, followed by
ASTRID: It's going to fall.
DOCTOR: It's just settling. Keep going.
(Then it goes quiet.)
ASTRID: They've stopped.
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Gone away?
DOCTOR: Why would they give up?
SLADE: Never mind that. Keep coming.
DOCTOR: Where have they gone? Where are the Host?
COPPER: I'm afraid we've forgotten the traditions of Christmas. That
angels have wings!
(Host glide down and surround them.)
HOST: Information. Kill.
(The Host remove their haloes.)
DOCTOR: Arm yourself, all of you.
(Everyone on the bridge grabs a bit of pipe and uses it as a bat to
send the haloes flying, but one cuts the Doctor's arm and another
injures Copper's side.)
ASTRID: I can't.
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Bannakaffalatta stop. Bannakaffalatta proud.
(He lifts his shirt and sends out an energy pulse. It short-circuits
the Host, sending them plummeting down into the engine core, except
one that lands on the catwalk behind the Doctor.)
DOCTOR: Electromagnetic pulse took out the robotics. Oh,
Bannakaffalatta, that was brilliant!
ASTRID: He's used all his power.
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Did good?
ASTRID: You saved our lives.
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Bannakaffalatta happy.
ASTRID: We can recharge you. Get you to a power point and just plug you
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Too late.
ASTRID: No, but you got to get me that drink, remember?
BANNAKAFFALATTA: Pretty girl.
(Bannakaffalatta dies. Astrid starts to fasten his shirt, but Copper
reaches for a component.)
COPPER: I'm sorry. Forgive me.
ASTRID: Leave him alone.
COPPER: It's the EMP transmitter. He'd want us to use it. I used to
sell these things. They'd always give me a bed for the night in the
cyborg caravans. They're good people. But if we can recharge it, we can
use it as a weapon against the rest of the Host. Bannakaffalatta might
have saved us all.
SLADE: Do you think? Try telling him that.
(The Host that landed behind the Doctor is moving.)
HOST: Information. Reboot.
SLADE: Use the EMP!
COPPER: It's dead. It's dead.
ASTRID: It's got to have emergency
DOCTOR: No, no, no. Hold on. Override loophole. Security protocol ten.
Six six six. Er, twenty one, four, five, six, seven, eight. I
don't know, forty two? Er, one!
HOST: Information. State request.
DOCTOR: Good. Right. You've been ordered to kill the survivors, but
HOST: Information. No witnesses.
DOCTOR: But this ship's going to fall on the Earth and kill everyone.
The human race have nothing to do with the Titanic, so that contravenes
your orders, yes?
HOST: Information. Incorrect.
DOCTOR: But why do you want to destroy the Earth?
HOST: Information. It is the plan.
DOCTOR: What plan?
HOST: Information. Protocol grants you only three questions. These
three questions have been used.
DOCTOR: Well, you could have warned me.
HOST: Information. Now you will die.
(As the Host raises its halo, it is lassoed from behind.)
FOON: You're coming with me.
(Foon jumps over the side, dragging the Host after her.)
(Foon rejoins Morvin.)
DOCTOR: No more.
DOCTOR: Right. Get yourself up to Reception One.
Once you're there, Mister Copper, you've got staff access to the
computer. Try to find a way of transmitting an SOS. Astrid, you're in
charge of this. (the EMP transmitter) Once it's powered up, it'll take
out a Host within fifty yards but then it needs sixty seconds to
recharge. Got it? Rickston, take this. (sonic screwdriver) I've preset
it. Just hold down that button, it'll open doors. Do not lose it! You
got that? Now go and open the next door. Go on, go!
SLADE: All right!
(The Doctor hands a first aid kit to Copper.)
DOCTOR: Mister Copper, you're going to need this. I need you fighting
fit. Astrid, where's the power points?
ASTRID: Under the comms.
(They plug in the EMP transmitter.)
DOCTOR: See, when it's ready, that blue light comes on there.
ASTRID: You're talking as if you're not coming with us.
DOCTOR: There's something down on deck thirty one. I'm going to find
out what it is.
ASTRID: What if you meet a Host?
DOCTOR: Well, then I'll just have some fun.
ASTRID: Sounds like you do this kind of thing all the time.
DOCTOR: Not by choice. All I do is travel. That's what I am. Just a
traveller. Imagine it. No tax, no bills, no boss. Just the open sky.
ASTRID: I'm sort of unemployed now. I was thinking the blue box is kind
of small, but I could squeeze in it, like a stowaway.
DOCTOR: It's not always safe.
ASTRID: So you need someone to take care of you. I've got no one back
on Sto. No family, just me. So what do you think? Can I come with you?
DOCTOR: Yeah, I'd like that. Yes.
DOCTOR: Mister Frame, you still with us?
FRAME: It's the engines, sir. Final phase. There's
nothing more I can do. We've got only eight minutes left.
DOCTOR: Don't worry, I'll get there.
FRAME: But the bridge is sealed off.
DOCTOR: Yeah, yeah, working on it. I'll get there,
Mister Frame, somehow. All charged up? Mister Copper, look after her.
Astrid, look after him. Rickston, er, look after yourself. And I'll see
you again, I promise.
ASTRID: Hold on! There's an old tradition on Planet Sto.
DOCTOR: I have really got to go.
ASTRID: Just wait a minute.
(Astrid takes the first aid box from Copper, stands on it, grabs the
Doctor's lapels and pulls him in for a kiss.)
DOCTOR: Yeah, that's a, ahem, very old tradition, yeah.
ASTRID: See you later.
DOCTOR: Oh, yes!
(The Doctor goes back across the bridge while the others carry on
(Slade opens a door to find three Host waiting.)
SLADE: Do it!
(Astrid activates the EMP and the Host collapse. They rejoice.)
(There are four Host here. The Doctor grabs a large
sauté pan for a weapon.)
DOCTOR: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Security protocol one. Do you
hear me? One. One! Okay, that gives me three questions. Three questions
to save my life, am I right?
HOST: Information. Correct.
DOCTOR: No, that wasn't one of them. I didn't mean it. That's not fair.
Can I start again?
HOST: Information. No.
DOCTOR: No! No, no, no, no. That wasn't a question either. Blimey. One
question left. One question. So, you've been given orders to kill the
survivors but survivors must therefore be passengers or staff, but not
me. I'm not a passenger. I'm not staff. Go on, scan me. You must have
bio-records. No such person on board. I don't exist, therefore you
can't kill me. Therefore, I'm a stowaway, and stowaways should be
arrested and taken to the nearest figure of authority. And I reckon the
nearest figure of authority is on deck thirty one. Final question. Am I
HOST: Information. Correct.
DOCTOR: Brilliant. Take me to your leader. I've always wanted to say
(Astrid zaps the four Host in the room.)
ASTRID: Rickston, seal the doors, make the room secure. Mister Copper,
keep an eye on the Host. I need to check the computer. We need that
(The computer doesn't work. Then she sees the rack of teleport
bracelets, and picks up the speaking tube.)
ASTRID [OC]: This is Reception one.
FRAME: Who's there?
ASTRID: Astrid Peth. I was with the Doctor. Tell
me, can you divert
ASTRID [OC]: Power to the teleport system?
FRAME: No way. I'm using everything I got to keep the engines running.
ASTRID: It's just one trip. I need to get to deck
FRAME: And I'm telling you, no.
ASTRID: Mister Frame, this is for the Doctor. He's
gone down there on his own, and I, I can't just leave him. He's done
everything he can to save us. It's time we did something to help him.
FRAME [OC]: Giving you power.
(Astrid puts on a bracelet.)
ASTRID: Mister Copper, I'm going to find him.
(Copper is taking apart a Host.)
COPPER: Good luck.
DOCTOR: Wow. Now that is what you call a fixer
upper. Come on then, Host with the most, this ultimate authority of
yours. Who is it?
(A Host opens a pair of doors.)
DOCTOR: Oh, that's clever. That's an omnistate impact chamber.
Indestructible. You can survive anything in there. Sit through a
supernova. Or a shipwreck. Only one person can have the power and the
money to hide themselves on board like this and I should know, because
(A large device with small wheels has come out. There is a head
attached to the machinery.)
CAPRICORN: My name is Max.
(His gold tooth glints.)
DOCTOR: It really does that.
CAPRICORN: Who the hell is this?
DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor. Hello.
HOST: Information. Stowaway.
CAPRICORN: Kill him.
DOCTOR: Oh, no, no, no. Wait, but you can't. Not now. Come on, Max.
You've given me so much good material like, how to get ahead in
business. See? Head? Head in business? No?
CAPRICORN: Oh, ho, ho, the office joker. I like a funny man. No one's
been funny with me for years.
DOCTOR: I can't think why.
CAPRICORN: A hundred and seventy six years of running the company have
taken their toll.
DOCTOR: Yeah but, nice wheels.
CAPRICORN: No, a life support system, in a society that despises
cyborgs. I've had to hide away for years, running the company by
hologram. Host, situation report.
HOST: Information. Titanic is still in orbit.
CAPRICORN: Let me see. We should have crashed by now. What's gone
wrong? The engines are still running! They should have stopped!
DOCTOR: When they do, the Earth gets roasted. I don't understand.
What's the Earth got to do with it?
CAPRICORN: This interview is terminated.
DOCTOR: No. No, no, no, no, no. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait. I can work it out. It's like a task. I'm your
apprentice. Just watch me. So, business is failing and you wreck the
ship so that makes things even worse. Oh, yes! No. Yes. The business
isn't failing, it's failed. Past tense.
CAPRICORN: My own board voted me out. Stabbed me in the back.
DOCTOR: If you had a back. So, you scupper the ship, wipe out any
survivors just in case anyone's rumbled you and the board find their
shares halved in value. Oh, but that's not enough. No. Because if a Max
Capricorn ship hits the Earth, it destroys an entire planet. Outrage
back home. Scandal! The business is wiped out.
CAPRICORN: And the whole board thrown in jail for mass murder.
DOCTOR: While you sit there, safe inside the impact chamber.
CAPRICORN: I have men waiting to retrieve me from the ruins and enough
off-world accounts to retire me to the beaches of Penhaxico Two, where
the ladies, so I'm told, are very fond of metal.
DOCTOR: So that's the plan. A retirement plan. Two thousand people on
this ship, six billion underneath us, all of them slaughtered, and why?
Because Max Capricorn is a loser.
CAPRICORN: I never lose.
DOCTOR: You can't even sink the Titanic.
CAPRICORN: Oh, but I can, Doctor. I can cancel the engines from here.
(An alarm goes off.)
COMPUTER: Engines closing.
FRAME: No, no, no, no, no!
COMPUTER: Engines closing. Engines closing.
SLADE: What's happening?
DOCTOR: You can't do this!
CAPRICORN: Host, hold him.
CAPRICORN: Not so clever now, Doctor. A shame we couldn't work
together. You're rather good. All that banter yet not a word wasted.
Time for me to retire. The Titanic is falling. The sky will burn. Let
the Christmas inferno commence. Oh. Oh, Host. Kill him.
ASTRID: Mister Capricorn!
(Astrid is in a fork lift.)
ASTRID: I resign.
(She drives towards Capricorn.)
DOCTOR: Astrid, don't!
(She gets the forks under Capricorn's life support and the two machines
battle each other. A Host throws its halo, which glances off Astrid's
DOCTOR: He's cut the brake line!
(In slow motion, Astrid and the Doctor look at each other before she
lifts Capricorn completely off the ground and powers them both forward
through the guard rail, to fall into the engines.)
(The Host release the Doctor and he runs forward to watch her falling.)
COMPUTER: Titanic falling. Voyage terminated. Voyage terminated.
(Frame tries to steer the falling liner while Slade
and Copper hold on for grim death. The Doctor walks through a shower of
debris, then snaps his fingers. Two Host take his arms and fly him
upwards, arms punching forward like Superman. They smash through into
COMPUTER: Deadlock broken.
DOCTOR: Ah, Midshipman Frame. At last.
FRAME: Er, but, but the Host.
DOCTOR: Controller dead, they divert to the next highest authority, and
FRAME: There's nothing we can do. There's no power. The ship's going to
COMPUTER: Titanic falling.
DOCTOR: What's your first name?
COMPUTER: Titanic falling.
DOCTOR: You're kidding me.
DOCTOR: That's something else I've always wanted to say. Allons-y,
(The Doctor spins the ship's wheel. Alarms sound as they enter the
upper atmosphere, then start to burn on entry. Once into the cloud
layer, the Doctor turns on a scanner with his foot to see that their
impact area is in west Central London. He grabs the comms.)
DOCTOR: Oh. Hello, yes. Could you get me Buckingham Palace?
NEWS 24: And as dawn rises over Great Britain, it seems that this year
the city of London has escaped alien intervention. The Queen has
remained in residence in defiance of extraterrestrial attack.
DOCTOR: Listen to me. Security code seven seven one. Now get out of
(A woman in a fluffy pink dressing gown runs down a
red carpeted corridor, accompanied by a footman carrying a Corgi.)
FOOTMAN: Open the door!
(The news seller shouts at the sky.)
WILF: Don't you dare, you aliens! Don't you dare!
COMPUTER: Engines active. Engines active.
(The Doctor pulls back on the wheel, trying to get her nose up.)
(Titanic misses the Palace by inches and flies up
into the sky.)
QUEEN: Thank you, Doctor. Thank you. Happy Christmas!
(As the ship levels off, everyone starts to laugh with relief.)
SLADE: Yes. Oh, yes.
FRAME: Whoo hoo!
DOCTOR: Whoo hoo hoo!
(The portrait of Capricorn on the wall falls down into one of the
remaining small fires.)
DOCTOR: Used the heat of re-entry to fire up the secondary storm drive.
Unsinkable, that's me.
FRAME: We made it.
DOCTOR: Not all of us. Teleport! She was wearing a teleport bracelet.
(The Doctor runs in.)
DOCTOR: Rickston, sonic!
(The Doctor catches his screwdriver.)
DOCTOR: Mister Copper, the teleports, have they got emergency settings?
COPPER: I don't know. They should have.
DOCTOR: She fell, Mister Copper. She fell. What's the emergency code?
COPPER: Er, let me see.
FRAME: What the hell are you doing?
DOCTOR: We can bring her back.
(The Doctor works on the teleport unit.)
COPPER: If a passenger has an accident on shore leave and they're still
wearing their teleport, their molecules are automatically suspended and
held in stasis, so of we can just trigger the shift.
(An image of Astrid appears.)
ASTRID: I'm falling.
DOCTOR: Only halfway there. Come on.
ASTRID: I keep falling.
DOCTOR: Feed back the molecule grid. Boost it with the restoration
matrix. No, no, no, no, no! Need more phase containment.
DOCTOR: No! If I can just link up the surface suspension.
COPPER: Doctor, she's gone.
DOCTOR: I just need to override the safety. I can do this. I can do it.
COPPER: Doctor, let her go.
DOCTOR: I can do anything!
ASTRID: Stop me falling.
COPPER: There's not enough left. The system was too badly damaged.
She's just atoms, Doctor. An echo with the ghost of consciousness.
DOCTOR: Astrid Peth, citizen of Sto. The woman who looked at the stars
and dreamt of travelling. There's an old tradition.
(The Doctor kisses Astrid.)
DOCTOR: Now you can travel forever.
(He points sonic screwdriver at a window, which opens. Astrid turns
into specks of light.)
DOCTOR: You're not falling, Astrid, you're flying.
(She goes out into space.
FRAME: The engines have stabilised. We're holding steady till we get
help, and I've sent the SOS. A rescue ship should be here within twenty
minutes. And they're digging out the records on Max Capricorn. It
should be quite a story.
COPPER: They'll want to talk to all of us, I suppose.
FRAME: I'd have thought so, yeah.
COPPER: I think one or two inconvenient truths might come to light.
Still, it's my own fault, and ten years in jail is better than dying.
SLADE: Doctor, I never said thank you. The funny thing is, I said Max
Capricorn was falling apart. Just before the crash, I sold all my
shares, transferred them to his rivals. It's made me rich. What do you
think of that?
(Slade's vone rings.)
SLADE: Salvain. Those shares. I want them triple bonded and locked.
COPPER: Of all the people to survive, he's not the one you would have
chosen, is he? But if you could choose, Doctor, if you decide who lives
and who dies, that would make you a monster.
DOCTOR: Mister Copper, I think you deserve one of these.
(The Doctor and Mister Copper put on teleport bracelets. Frame salutes
just before they disappear.)
(They walks across the grass to the Tardis. It is
COPPER: So, Great Britain is part of Europey, and just across the
British Channel, you've got Great France and Great Germany.
DOCTOR: No, no, it's just, it's just France and Germany. Only Britain
COPPER: Oh, and they're all at war with the continent of Ham Erica.
DOCTOR: No. Well, not yet. Er, could argue that one. There she is.
COPPER: You know, between you and me, I don't even thing this snow is
real. I think it's the ballast from the Titanic's salvage entering the
DOCTOR: Yeah. One of these days it might snow for real.
COPPER: So, I, I suppose you'll be off.
DOCTOR: The open sky.
COPPER: And, what about me?
DOCTOR: I travel alone. It's best that way.
COPPER: What am I supposed to do?
DOCTOR: Give me that credit card.
COPPER: It's just petty cash. Spending money. It's all done by
computer. I didn't really know the currency, so I thought a million
might cover it.
DOCTOR: A million? Pounds?
COPPER: That enough for trinkets?
DOCTOR: Mister Copper, a million pounds is worth fifty million credits.
COPPER: How much?
DOCTOR: Fifty million and fifty six.
COPPER: I've got money.
DOCTOR: Yes, you have.
COPPER: Oh, my word. Oh, my Vot! Oh, my goodness me. Yee ha!
DOCTOR: It's all yours. Planet Earth. Now, that's a retirement plan.
But just you be careful, though.
COPPER: I will, I will. Oh, I will.
DOCTOR: No interfering. I don't want any trouble. Just, just have a
COPPER: But I can have a house. A proper house, with a garden, and a
door, and. Oh, Doctor, I will made you proud. And I can have a kitchen
with chairs, and windows, and plates, and
(Copper skips away.)
DOCTOR: Er, where are you going?
COPPER: Well, I've no idea.
DOCTOR: No, me neither.
COPPER: But Doctor, I won't forget her.
(A streak of blue starlight zig-zags across the sky.)
DOCTOR: Merry Christmas, Mister Copper.
(The Doctor goes into the Tardis, and it dematerialises.)
In memory of
Verity Lambert OBE