(The Tardis materialises in a exhibit which looks
like the moon's surface, complete with US flag out straight as if there
was no air or gravity, and half an Earth in the dark sky. The Doctor,
Clara, then Angie and Artie Maitland put their heads out of the door.)
DOCTOR: Well, here we are. Hedgewick's World. The biggest and best
amusement park there will ever be, and we've got a golden ticket. Eh?
ANGIE: Your stupid box can't even get us to the right place. This is
like a moon base or something.
DOCTOR: It's not the moon.
ARTIE: Actually, I think it does look like the moon, only dirtier.
DOCTOR: Hey. Guys. It's not the moon, okay? It's a Spacey Zoomer ride,
or it was.
(A door opens in one of the large rocks, and a man wearing a tall hat
WEBLEY: Psst. Excuse I. I don't suppose you happen to be my lift off
planet? Dave's Discount Interstellar Removals?
CLARA: Afraid not.
WEBLEY: They were meant to be here six months ago. Well, that's Dave
for you, see? Unreliable.
(A woman's voice cuts through the air.)
CAPTAIN [OC]: Stay where you are!
(Webley ducks back inside as the military run in.)
CAPTAIN: Throw down your weapons and identify yourselves.
DOCTOR: No. No weapons. Golden ticket. Spacey Zoomer. Free ice cream?
CAPTAIN: Who are you? This planet is closed, by Imperial order.
DOCTOR: How's this?
(He holds up his psychic paper.)
CAPTAIN: Oh. Welcome, Proconsul. I wish they'd told us you were coming.
Any news of the Emperor?
DOCTOR: Oh, the Emperor. No, no. None that you'd er
CAPTAIN: We pray for his return. If there is anything you need, my
platoon is at your service.
DOCTOR: Right. Righty-o. Well, carry on, Captain.
CAPTAIN: Platoon, let's move out! On the double. Two, three, four. Two,
three, four. Two, three, four.
(The military run off, and Webley pokes his head out again.)
WEBLEY: Have they gone?
WEBLEY: Uniforms give me the heebie-jeebies. Come on. They can't stop
me being here, but they don't like it.
(He leads them away from the Zoomer for a view of the whole amusement
DOCTOR: Ha, ha! You see? I told you it was amazing. Well, it used to
(Wrecked mega-scenic rollercoaster and other rides. Grass is growing in
the cracks in the concrete.)
WEBLEY: It closed down. Wish I'd known that before I landed here. But
let me show you my collection. Come along. Follow me. This way. This
way in, come on.
(Down some steps into a comfortably furnished room
with lots of waxworks on display, all lit by chandeliers hanging from
WEBLEY: Welcome to my show. Webley's World of Wonders. Miracles,
marvels and more await you. I am Impresario Webley. You see before you
waxwork representations of the famous and the infamous. Anybody here
(The Doctor puts his hand up.)
WEBLEY: Perhaps you, young man?
ARTIE: Actually, I'm in my school chess club.
WEBLEY: Ah. Follow me.
WEBLEY: Now, let demonstrate to you all the wonder
of the age, the miracle of modernity.
(Sitting by the chess board is something covered in a satin cloth.)
WEBLEY: We defeated them all a thousand years ago, but now he's back,
to destroy you. Behold, the enemy!
(Webley whips the cloth off a slightly tarnished silver coloured robot,
which raises its head.)
DOCTOR: Cyberman! Get down!
WEBLEY: No need to panic, my young friends. We all know there are no
more living Cybermen. What you are seeing is a miracle. The six hundred
and ninety ninth wonder of the universe, as displayed before the
Imperial court, and only here to destroy you at chess.
(The Doctor is scanning and investigating.)
WEBLEY: Careful now. An empty shell, and yet it moves. How?
WEBLEY: That might well be, young lady, but a single penny wins you
five Imperial shillings
(Two tiny slim metallic bugs with a flashing blue eye are watching from
a waxwork Blowfish head. Something is using them to watch the scene.)
WEBLEY: If you can beat this empty shell at chess.
ARTIE: I haven't got a penny, but I've got a sandwich.
WEBLEY: All right, take a seat. It is free of all devices, and yet it
has never been beaten. Would you like to make the first move, young
(Artie moves his King's Bishop's pawn one space. The Cyberman counters
by moving its King's pawn two spaces.)
DOCTOR: Oh no, Artie. No, don't do that, it
(Artie advances his King's Knight's pawn two spaces. Up comes the Black
Queen to end the game.)
DOCTOR: That's a fool's mate.
WEBLEY: If you can tell me how it works, I'll give you a silver penny.
ANGIE: I think you do it with mirrors?
DOCTOR: Hmm. Mirrors. Clever girl. Well, let's see, hey? Low tech. It's
a puppet. Monofilament strings, which means the brains are in
(The Doctor opens a door in the Cyberman's chair to reveal a little man
with a control box.)
PORRIDGE: I'm the brains.
PORRIDGE: Give us a hand.
(The Doctor helps Porridge out of the small space.)
PORRIDGE: They call me Porridge. Oh, it's good to be out of that box.
WEBLEY: For you, Miss, an Imperial penny.
(Which Webley apparently produces from Angie's ear. The Doctor notices
a small swarm of tiny metal bugs slithering across the floor.)
WEBLEY: I have not one but three Cybermen in my
(The exhibit is labelled The Great Enemy. The Doctor checks that they
are inert. Angie looks at another waxwork, a tall man with a familiar
ANGIE: Is that the King?
PORRIDGE: Emperor. Ludens Nimrod Kendrick, etc, etc, the forty first.
Defender of Humanity, Imperator of known space.
CLARA: He looks a bit full of himself.
PORRIDGE: Don't say things like that about the Imperial family. You can
end up on the run for the rest of your life.
ARTIE: They don't sound very nice.
PORRIDGE: Go on. If the kids want to ride the Spacey Zoomer, then I can
operate the gravity console.
(Angie compares the image on the coin to the waxwork.)
(Artie and Angie enjoy flying around in
microgravity. Clara takes photographs with her phone.)
CLARA: Smile! Say, Spacey Zoomer.
ARTIE: Look at us, Doctor. We're flying!
DOCTOR: Having a good time?
(Porridge turns off the anti-gravity.)
ARTIE: I think that was the most fun I've had in my whole life.
ANGIE: It was (pause) okay.
ARTIE: Clara, I think outer space is actually very interesting.
CLARA: Right. Wonderful day out, Doctor, but time to get the kids home.
(The Doctor is scanning with the sonic screwdriver.)
DOCTOR: Yeah. Er, no. Not actually ready to leave.
CLARA: Why not?
DOCTOR: I don't know. Reasons.
CLARA: What reasons?
DOCTOR: Insects. Funny insects. I should a them to my funny insect
CLARA: You collect funny insects?
DOCTOR: Yeah, I'm starting to, right now.
(Angie and Artie are lying on the sofas, ready to
ANGIE: How long do we have to stay here?
DOCTOR: Not long. Have a nap. I'll wake you when we're ready to leave.
CLARA: Sleep well.
PORRIDGE: Good night.
(The Doctor turns the lights out as he leaves. Clara and Porridge
DOCTOR: Don't wander off. Now, I'm not just saying don't wander off, I
mean it. Otherwise you'll wander off and the next thing you know,
somebody's going to have to start rescuing somebody.
ANGIE: From what?
DOCTOR: Nothing. Nobody needs rescuing from anything. Don't wander off.
(Webley takes a drink from a hip flask, then
enjoys the sandwich he won from Artie.)
WEBLEY: Total takings for the day, one sandwich. Better than no
sandwich, of course. Not as good as two sandwiches, or even a chicken.
(The Cyberman grabs his arms.)
WEBLEY: That's a bit odd. That's not funny. Give me my hands back.
(Lots of the micro-Cybermats rush out of the Cyberman's eye sockets and
across to Webley.)
CYBERMAN: Upgrade in progress.
(Angie and Artie are being monitored.)
ANGIE: I hate the future. It's stupid. There's not even phone service.
I'm out of here.
ARTIE: The Doctor said not to wander off.
ANGIE: He said that, and then he wandered off.
(The mini-Cybermats find Angie's discarded mobile phone and swarm all
ARTIE: I don't think Clara would like that.
ANGIE: She's not our mum.
ARTIE: Don't leave me here.
(The monitor display says Disassembly required, then Upgrade will
(Clara and Porridge walk together.)
CLARA: Was this really the biggest amusement park in the universe?
PORRIDGE: Yeah. Hedgewick bought the planet cheap. It'd been trashed in
CLARA: Who were we fighting?
PORRIDGE: Cybermen. Technologically upgraded warriors. We couldn't win.
Sometimes we fought to a draw, but then they'd upgrade themselves, fix
their weaknesses and destroy us. It's hard to fight an enemy that uses
your armies as spare parts.
CLARA: You beat them, though. Beat them or you wouldn't be here. How?
PORRIDGE: Look up there. That corner of sky? What do you see?
CLARA: Nothing. It's just black. No stars, no nothing.
PORRIDGE: It use to be the Tiberion Spiral Galaxy. A million star
systems, a hundred million worlds, a billion trillion people. It's not
there any more. No more Tiberion Galaxy. No more Cybermen. It was
CLARA: It's horrible.
PORRIDGE: Yeah. I feel like a monster sometimes.
PORRIDGE: Because instead of mourning a billion trillion dead people, I
just feel sorry for the poor blighter who had to press the button and
blow it all up.
DOCTOR: Clara, did you tell Angie she could go to the barracks?
CLARA: You know I didn't. She hasn't.
DOCTOR: She's just gone in there.
CLARA: Come on.
BEAUTY: I can't fix this.
CAPTAIN: It can't be broken. It's a solid state subether ansible class
communicator. Just run the diagnostics.
BEAUTY: There's nothing left to diagnose. It's not broken, it's empty.
All the components have gone.
CAPTAIN: Well, you must have replacement parts.
BEAUTY: Not enough to build a new one.
BRAINS: Captain, the weather controller is malfunctioning again.
There's storms, heat waves, snow.
ANGIE: Hello, I'm bored.
CAPTAIN: Where's your big sister?
ANGIE: Clara? She's not my sister. She's stupid. She's talking to
CAPTAIN: She talks to her porridge?
ANGIE: Porridge. That little bloke?
CAPTAIN: We need to have a chat.
(Artie can't sleep with all the waxworks staring
ARTIE: I'm not scared, if you're wondering. I just think I ought to
turn the lights back on.
(Artie makes his nervous way to the light switch and turns it on. Then
a Cyberman grabs him from behind.)
CAPTAIN: So, tell me about the little bloke.
ANGIE: Well, you must have seen him.
CLARA: Angie! Angie!
(Clara and the Doctor enter.)
ANGIE: She always has to turn up and spoil everything. I wasn't doing
anything. Why can't you just leave me alone?
(A big crash, and enter a Cyberman.)
CAPTAIN: Attack formation.
(The Cyberman moves faster than a blur while the platoon try to sort
themselves out. A fat man - Ha-Ha - runs forward whilst
another man with a pony-tail grabs a chair. The fat man gets swatted
CAPTAIN: No! Attack formation, quickly.
(They start shooting at the Cyberman.)
CYBERMAN: Upgrade in progress.
(The Cyberman moves through the group as if they are standing still and
puts Angie over his shoulder, carrying her off.)
DOCTOR: Clara. Clara!
(He drags Clara back.)
CAPTAIN: That was a Cyberman. But they're extinct.
DOCTOR: Listen to me. I will get her back. Captain, a word please. Now,
correct me if I'm wrong, but I take it your platoon doesn't do much
CAPTAIN: What do you expect?
CAPTAIN: We're a punishment platoon. It's why they sent us out here, so
we can't get into trouble.
DOCTOR: Right, right, well, okay. As Imperial Consul, I'm putting Clara
(The Doctor pins the Captain's insignia on Clara's jacket.)
DOCTOR: Clara, stay alive until I get back, and don't let anyone blow
up this planet.
CLARA: Is that something they're likely to do?
DOCTOR: Get to somewhere defensible.
CLARA: Where are you going?
DOCTOR: I'm getting Angie, finding Artie and looking for funny insects.
Stay alive. And you lot, no blowing up this planet!
(The Doctor leaves.)
ANGIE: Put me down! I hate you!
(The Cyberman puts her down. She sees Artie with a single blue light
flashing at the side of his head, and Webley, who is semi-Borgified.)
ANGIE: Artie? Artie, what's happening?
ARTIE: Please stand by. You will be upgraded.
CAPTAIN: Cyberiad class weaponry. I've taken it
out of storage.
CLARA: Good. We need to find somewhere defensible. Where?
(The Captain shows her a large advertising overview of Hedgewick's
CAPTAIN: The beach, the Giant's Cauldron, Natty Longshoe's Comical
CLARA: Real castle? Drawbridge? Moat?
CAPTAIN: Yes, but comical.
CLARA: We'll go there.
CAPTAIN: Ma'am, my platoon can deal with one Cyberman, and there are
protocols if we cannot immediately find and destroy it.
CLARA: Blowing up the planet protocols?
CAPTAIN: Respectfully, ma'am.
CLARA: Somewhere defensible. No blowing up the planet.
PORRIDGE: She's your commanding officer now, isn't she, Captain?
CAPTAIN: Yes. Sir.
PORRIDGE: You really saw a Cyberman?
CAPTAIN: We really did.
PORRIDGE: Have you reported it to the Imperium?
CAPTAIN: No communicators.
PORRIDGE: So you're going to do what she says. Right, let's all spend
the night at Natty Longshoe's Comical Castle.
(He spots a mini-Cybermat and speaks to it.)
DOCTOR: Firstly, if anybody's watching this, those children are under
my protection. I'm coming to get them. And secondly, little metal
machine, you are beautiful.
(He sonicks it into dormancy and picks it up.)
DOCTOR: Not even a Cybermat any more, eh? Cybermites.
DOCTOR: Now, there's a local transmat link open to
your home. If I can just find the frequency
DOCTOR: Hey, that really shouldn't have worked.
ARTIE: Doctor, help us.
DOCTOR: Angie? Artie?
(Both children are unresponsive.)
WEBLEY: We needed children, but the children had stopped coming. You
brought us children. Hail to you, the Doctor, saviour of the Cybermen!
[Outside the Castle]
CLARA: What would the Empire do if they were
CAPTAIN: I told you, tell me to blow up the planet.
CLARA: After they got us off.
PORRIDGE: Captain, you want to take that one?
CAPTAIN: No, ma'am. Just blow the sucker up.
CLARA: Drawbridge, moat, brilliant.
BRAINS: With respect, ma'am, we ought to be hunting the creature.
CLARA: The only reason I'm still alive is that I do what the Doctor
says. Can you guarantee me you'd bring back my children alive and
(Brains shakes his head.)
CLARA: I trust the Doctor.
CAPTAIN: You think he knows what he's doing?
CLARA: I'm not sure I'd go that far.
WEBLEY: As the battle raged between humanity and
the Cyberiad, the Cyberplanners built a Valkyrie, to save critically
damaged units and bring them here, and one by one, repair them.
DOCTOR: The people who vanished from the amusement park, they were
spare parts for repairs.
WEBLEY: We've upgraded ourselves. The next model will be undefeatable.
DOCTOR: Nothing's undefeatable.
WEBLEY: We needed children to build a new Cyberplanner. A child's
brain, with its infinite potential, is perfect for our needs. But we no
longer need the children. The Cybermites have been scanning your brain,
Doctor. It's quite remarkable.
DOCTOR: Also completely useless to you. Cybermen use human parts. I'm
not human. You can't convert non-humans.
WEBLEY: Well, that was true a long time ago. But we've upgraded
ourselves. Current Cyberunits use almost any living components.
(Webley throws some Cybermites onto the Doctor. They get inside and he
screams. The Doctor acquires some silver components on left side of his
face. He is now a split personality. Cyberplanner Doctor will be
designated C-Doctor. Resistance is futile.)
C-DOCTOR: Incorporated. Yes. Ah. Unfamiliar pulmonary set-up. Nervous
system hyperconductive. Remarkable brain processing speed. Ho, ho.
DOCTOR: Get out of my head!
(The Doctor confronts the Cyberplanner in
DOCTOR: Stop rummaging in my mind.
C-DOCTOR: Just you try and stop me. Ooo, who's Clara. Why are you
thinking about her so much?
C-DOCTOR: Fascinating. A complete mental block. Highly effective.
C-DOCTOR: Relax, relax. If you just relax, you
will find this a perfectly pleasant experience. You are being upgraded
and incorporated into the Cyberiad as a Cyberplanner.
DOCTOR: Get out of my head!
DOCTOR: What is this place, a network? A hive?
You're getting signals from every Cyberman everywhere. How many of you
C-DOCTOR: Oh, this is brilliant. I'm so clever
already, and now I'm a million times more clever. And what a brain. Not
a human brain, not even slightly human. I mean, I'm going to have to
completely rework the neural interface, but this is going to be the
most efficient Cyberplanner. Not a great name, that, is it? I could
call myself Mister Clever. So much raw data. Time Lords. There's
information on the Time Lords in here. Oh, this is just dreamy.
DOCTOR: Right, I'm allowing you access to memories
on Time Lord regeneration.
(The ten known faces of the Doctor flash through behind them.)
DOCTOR: I could regenerate right now. A big blast of regeneration
energy, burn out any little Cyberwidgets in my brain, along with
everything you're connected to. Don't want to. You use this me up, who
knows what we'll get next? But I can.
C-DOCTOR: Stalemate, then. One of us needs to
control this head. We're too well-balanced. What did you say? No, no,
no, no, no. I heard you. Rhetorical device to keep me thinking about it
a bit more. Stalemate?
C-DOCTOR: We each control forty nine point eight
eight one percent of this brain. Point two three eight of the brain is
still in the balance. Whoever gets this gets the whole thing.
DOCTOR: Do you play chess?
C-DOCTOR: The rules of chess are in my memory banks. You're proposing
we play chess to end the stalemate?
DOCTOR: Winner takes all. Nobody can access that portion of the brain
without winning the game.
(They shake on it.)
C-DOCTOR: You can't win.
DOCTOR: Try me.
C-DOCTOR: You understand, when I do win, the Cyberiad gets your brains
and memories. All of it.
DOCTOR: When I win, you get out of my head, you let the children go,
and nobody dies. You got that? Nobody dies!
BRAINS [on radio]: Castle's clear. Missy, confirm
MISSY: All clear in the power station.
MISSY: It's Missy. Something's out there.
BRAINS [on radio]: What do you mean? Is it the Cyberman?
MISSY: I don't know. I couldn't see it. It was only for a moment. Can I
hide? Is it okay if I hide?
(The Cyberman stomps in.)
MISSY: Don't move! I'm in the army!
(It advances, she runs and hides amongst some scaffolding poles. It
walks past and she breathes out. It stops, turns, and drops a hand.
Cyber-Thing scuttles across the ground and leaps onto her face.)
BRAINS: Er, ma'am. Missy said she saw something,
and then she went quiet.
CLARA: It's on its way, then. Weapons. Show me. Only one gun?
CAPTAIN: Cybermen have been extinct for a thousand years. Even one
Anti-Cyber gun is a miracle. These things are hand-pulsers. Touch the
back of a Cyberman's head, the electomagnetic pulse deactivates it.
CLARA: What's this for? Just a mad guess here, it blows up the planet?
CAPTAIN: Implodes it. There's also a trigger unit.
CLARA: I'll have that, then. Is there any other way to activate the
CAPTAIN: It's set to respond to my voice. I have the verbal code.
CLARA: You will not activate it without a direct order from me.
CAPTAIN: I will follow my orders.
CLARA: Your orders come from me, don't they?
BRAINS: You'll need to sign for that trigger unit, ma'am.
(Porridge picks up a hand-pulser.)
PORRIDGE: Mind if I take one of these? Might be handy.
CAPTAIN: Help yourself. I'll teach you how to use it. Upstairs. Now!
(The chess board is in place.)
C-DOCTOR: There. That was easy. The game has just started. Doctor, why
is there no record of you anywhere in the databanks of the Cyberiad?
Oh, you're good. Oh, you've been eliminating yourself from history. You
know you could be reconstructed by the hole you've left.
DOCTOR: Good point. I'll do something about that.
C-DOCTOR: The rules of chess allow only a finite
number of moves, and I can use other Cyberunits as remote processors.
You cannot possibly win.
DOCTOR: I can. I know things you don't. For example, did you know very
early versions of the Cyber operating system could be seriously
scrambled by exposure to things, like gold, or cleaning fluid? And
what's interesting is, you're still running some of that code.
C-DOCTOR: Really. That's your secret weapon? Cleaning fluid?
DOCTOR: Nope, gold.
(And slaps the golden ticket onto his implants.)
DOCTOR: Oh ho, ho! Like a charm. Right, you, Cyber Webley, and you kid
things. I'll bring the chessboard. Let's get out of here.
PORRIDGE: You knew it was me.
CAPTAIN: I was in the Imperial Guard on Caspertine. Mostly just
parades, but I had the honour to guard the old Emperor during the ice
PORRIDGE: When the snow bears came and danced for us. That was a day.
(They are being watched by a Cybermite.)
CAPTAIN: We're a punishment platoon. We can't beat a Cyberman. The
Imperium has to know what's happening.
PORRIDGE: Like you said, the communicators are out. The only way you
can report this now is to activate the bomb.
PORRIDGE: And I forbid you to do that.
CLARA: I don't get it. Why would you blow up a whole planet and
everybody on it just to get rid of one Cyberman?
PORRIDGE: We tried other ways, but they only work sometimes, so now we
take drastic action. And it works.
CAPTAIN: If you find a Cyberman and you can't destroy it immediately,
you implode the planet. I was sent here because I didn't follow orders.
I can make up for that.
CLARA: Put it down. I forbid you.
PORRIDGE: Yeah. What she said.
CAPTAIN: You ran away. I will do what I was brought up to do. Live for
the Empire, fight for the Empire, die for the Empire. This is Captain
Alice Ferrin, Imperial ID one nine delta one three B. Activate
(The Captain is shot by a Cyberman on the other side of the moat.)
PORRIDGE: Cyberman! Get down!
CLARA: The Doctor said to get somewhere easily defensible, but if we
just stay in the castle it'll pick us off one by one. We have to take
HA-HA: Is that an order, ma'am?
CLARA: You know what to do.
BRAINS: Pulse to the back of the head. Fry the brain circuit interface.
CLARA: It's going to be hard to get in close enough.
(Somewhere in the amusement park, one of the women
soldiers spots the Cyberman. She runs forward to touch the back of its
head, but its body grabs her and kills her. Then it puts its head back
on. Elsewhere, two more soldiers die in front of Ha-Ha.)
HA-HA: I've heard about the Cybermen since I was in my cradle. I'm not
afraid of you.
(The Cyberman moves forward, Fats jinks to the side and Clara atomises
it with a long blast from the Anti-Cyber gun, as she stands behind
HA-HA: Hold it right there.
CLARA: What's happening to them?
(The two dead soldiers have been upgraded.)
CLARA: One more step and I fire.
HA-HA: Don't fire that. A pulse will deactivate them.
(Two other soldiers do that.)
HA-HA: And anyway, it's a waste of charge. We may need it again.
CLARA: You don't think that was the only one, then?
[Outside the Castle]
(They meet up with the Doctor, Angie and Artie,
DOCTOR: Argh! Don't shoot, don't shoot, I'm nice. Please, don't shoot.
Hey, Clara, you haven't let them blow up the planet. Good job.
CLARA: Did you get the kids? Are they all right? What's going on?
DOCTOR: Er, a bit of a good news, bad news, good news again thing going
on. So, good news, I've kidnapped the Cyberplanner and right now I'm
sort of in control of this Cyberman.
CLARA: Bad news?
DOCTOR: Bad news, the Cyberplanner's in my head. And, different bad
news, the kids are, well, it's complicated.
CLARA: Complicated how?
DOCTOR: Complicated as in walking coma.
(He hides behind the chess board he is holding.)
CLARA: Please tell me you can wake them up.
DOCTOR: Hope so.
CLARA: Other good news?
DOCTOR: Well, in other good news, there are a few more repaired and
reactivated Cybermen on the way, and the Cyberplanner's installing a
patch for the gold thing. No, wait, that isn't good news, is it. Er,
so, good news, I have a very good chance of winning my chess match.
DOCTOR: I'll explain later. In a bit of a hurry. Get me to a table, and
somebody tie me up! Need hands free for chess. And immobilise me,
(Clara ties the Doctor to a chair with thick
DOCTOR: Right, that's good. I won't be able to move, but hands free.
CLARA: You're playing chess with yourself?
DOCTOR: And winning.
(Then he tears off the gold ticket from the implants, and acquires a
northern accent - eighth Doctor style.)
C-DOCTOR: Actually, he has no better than a twenty five percent chance
of winning at this stage in the game. Some very dodgy moves at the
beginning. Hello, flesh girl. Fantastic. I'm the Cyberplanner.
C-DOCTOR: Afraid not. I'm working the mouth now. Allons-y. Oh, you
should see the state of these neurons. He's had some cowboys in here.
Ten complete re-jigs.
CLARA: You aren't the Doctor.
C-DOCTOR: No, but I know who you are. You're the impossible girl. Oh,
he's very interested in you.
CLARA: Why am I impossible?
C-DOCTOR: Hasn't he told you? The sly devil. Oh, dear me. Listen, soon
we'll wake. We'll strip you down for spare parts, then build a
spaceship and move on.
CLARA: More Cybermen.
C-DOCTOR: They're waking from their tomb right now. You can either die
or live on as one of us.
(Meanwhile, his right hand is writing Hit Me on a notepad.)
CLARA: The Doctor will stop you.
C-DOCTOR: He can't even access the lips.
(Clara hits him. Hard.)
DOCTOR: Argh! Ow! Oh, that hurt. No, stop. Enough, Bit of pain, neural
surge. Just what I needed. Thank you.
CLARA: Why am I the impossible girl?
DOCTOR: It's just a thing in my head. I'll explain later.
CLARA: Chess game. Stakes?
DOCTOR: If he wins, I give up my mind and he gets access to all my
memories, along with knowledge of time travel. But, if I win, he'll
break his promises to get out of my head and then kill us all anyway.
CLARA: That's not reassuring.
CLARA: Please tell me you can fix whatever happened to the children.
DOCTOR: Children. Yeah. They're fine. I mean, right now their brains
are just in stand by mode.
CLARA: That is not fine!
C-DOCTOR: Listen, right now they have a much better chance of getting
out of this situation alive than you do.
CLARA: Which one of you said that?
C-DOCTOR: Me. Cyberplanner. Mister Clever. Now, if you don't mind, I
have a chess game to finish, and you have to die, pointlessly and very
far from home. Toodle-oo.
CLARA: Apparently there are more Cybermen on the
BRAINS: There's at least a dozen more shots left in the gun before it
needs to recharge.
CLARA: We might have more than a dozen Cybermen to worry about. What's
PORRIDGE: Power line for the park.
CLARA: What wouldd happen if we unhooked the end, dropped it into the
moat and turned it on?
HA-HA: Fry anything alive that entered the water.
CLARA: Can Cybermen fly?
BRAINS: No, ma'am.
CLARA: First good news of the day. Do it.
(So they electrify the moat and raise the drawbridge.)
(The CyberDoctor gets jolted into cyberspace.)
DOCTOR: Stop that. I felt that.
C-DOCTOR: Of course you did. It's time to get up. Wakey, wakey, boys
and girls. Wakey, wakey.
(Somewhere, a army of Cybermen activates and marches forward from their
multilevel cryogenic 'tombs'.)
(Porridge ladles something into a cup.)
PORRIDGE: There, get that in you. Warm you up.
CLARA: Oh, thank you, Porridge.
DOCTOR [OC]: Oi, Clara!
CLARA: I'll see what he wants. Call me if there's any change.
DOCTOR: Hey! Clara, there you are. Now, quick
rundown. What's our weapons strength?
CLARA: One big gun, five of those hand-pulser units and a shiny black
bomb that implodes the planet.
DOCTOR: Yeah. Yeah, that one. Now, tell me, does it happen possibly to
have a remote triggery thing?
(Clara takes it from her jacket pocket.)
DOCTOR: Brilliant. Pass it here.
DOCTOR: Why not?
CLARA: In case you're not you right now. Or even if you are, just in
DOCTOR: Oh, don't worry. The Cyberplanner's hibernating between moves
right now. Shush.
CLARA: Prove you're you. Tell me something only the Doctor knows.
DOCTOR: Clara, I suppose I'm the only one who knows how I feel about
you right now. How funny you are. So funny. And pretty. And the truth
is, I'm starting to like you in a way that is more than just
(She hits him.)
DOCTOR: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Yes! It's me. That really hurt. How did you
know that was him?
CLARA: Because even if that was true, which it is obviously not, I know
you well enough to know that you would rather die than say it. Finish
your stupid game.
(CyberDoctor grabs Clara's arm.)
CLARA: Doctor, let go.
DOCTOR: I can't. He's got control of the left arm. Argh, argh, no! No!
(The CyberDoctor gets the remote trigger and destroys it.)
DOCTOR: He got what he wanted. He destroyed the trigger. My move.
CLARA: What do you mean, he got what he wanted?
C-DOCTOR: He means, good news, boys and girls. They're here!
(Rows of Cybermen stretching from the Tomb
entrance to the moat.)
CLARA: One gun, five hand-pulsers and a planet smashing bomb that
doesn't work any more.
BRAINS: Why not?
CLARA: Broken trigger unit.
BRAINS: But you signed for that.
C-DOCTOR: I've learned so much from you, Doctor.
It's been an education. But now, it's time for the endgame.
(The first Cyberman steps into the moat and gets
(Then it recovers.)
CYBERMAN: Upgrade in progress.
CLARA: Damn. Who's our best shot?
HA-HA: Probably it's me.
CLARA: Shoot any of them who make it across. The rest of you, take
defensive positions. Porridge?
CLARA: Keep yourself safe.
(The first Cyberman comes through the castle gate, and gets atomised.
Then more come through. Porridge heads for the planet bomb.)
PORRIDGE: Alice Ferrin, you should have destroyed this planet when you
had the chance.
C-DOCTOR: They're nearly here. Now, you can take
my bishop and keep limping on for a little longer, or you can sacrifice
your queen and get the children back. But it's mate in five moves, and
I get your mind.
(Another Cyberman gets killed.)
DOCTOR: Takes my queen, and give me back the children.
C-DOCTOR: Emotions. Can't you see what a foolish move that was? You've
lost the game.
DOCTOR: Kids back now.
(Angie and Artie crumple.)
C-DOCTOR: Emotions, Doctor, all for two human children you barely know.
And it was a pointless sacrifice anyway. So, Doctor, do you think the
children's death will affect your relationship with Miss Clara?
(Porridge runs in with the bomb. Clara and the platoon are retreating
WEBLEY: Welcome to Webley's World of Wonders, children. Now presenting
delights, delicacies, and death.
(Porridge grabs at Webley's leg with the hand-pulser but gets thrown
off, landing under the chess table. Sparks fly from Webley's cybernetic
DOCTOR: Angie, are you okay? Just look after Artie, okay?
(Dark is about to touch the back of a Cyberman's head, when it swivels
around and looks at her. Fat shoots another Cyberman.)
DOCTOR: Your move. But before you take it, just so you know,
sacrificing my queen was the best possible move I could have made. The
Time Lords invented chess. It's our game. And if you don't avoid my
trap, it gives me mate in three moves.
HA-HA: I've got no charge left.
(Clara picks up a heavy mace.)
(The Cyberman disarms Clara.)
DOCTOR: Oh, come on. Call yourself a chess playing robot?
DOCTOR: You figure it out. Or don't you have the processing power, hmm?
CYBERMAN: Please stand by. You will be upgraded.
Welcome to the Cyberiad. You will be upgraded. Welcome to the Cyberiad.
You will be upgraded.
(Clara, Brains and Ha-Ha are pinned up against a wall. Then the
Cybermen slow down and stop.)
DOCTOR: What are you doing?
C-DOCTOR: Doctor. Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor,
Doctor. I'm pulling in extra processing power. Three million
Cyberbrains are working on one tiny chess problem. How long do you
think it's going to take us to solve it?
DOCTOR: That's cheating.
C-DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, no. Just pulling in the local resources.
(Clara, Brains and Ha-Ha get away.)
C-DOCTOR: There's no way you can get to mate in three moves.
DOCTOR: Three moves. Want to know what they are?
C-DOCTOR: You're lying.
(The Doctor picks up Porridge's hand pulser.)
DOCTOR: Move one, turn on sonic screwdriver. Move two, activate pulser.
Move three, amplify pulser. See you.
(After a brief struggle with his other arm, the Doctor gets the pulser
to the cybernetic implants on his face.)
C-DOCTOR: That's cheating!
(Clara, Brains and Ha-Ha run in. The Doctor sits up with no implants.)
DOCTOR: Just taking advantage of the local resources. Ah, hello. Can
someone untie me, please?
CLARA: Do you think I'm pretty?
DOCTOR: No. You're too short and bossy, and your nose is all funny.
CLARA: Good enough. What happened to the Cyberplanner?
(She unties him.)
DOCTOR: Out of my head and redistributed across three million Cybermen
right now, and about to wake them all up, kill us and start
constructing a spaceship. We need to destroy this planet before they
can get off it.
(He goes to the bomb.)
DOCTOR: Okay, it has a fallback voice activation.
HA-HA: The Captain, but she's dead.
ANGIE: I think you should ask Porridge.
ANGIE: Well, he is the Emperor. I bet he knows the activation codes.
Oh, come on. It's obvious. He looks exactly like he does on the coin,
and on the waxwork, except they made him a bit taller, but look, am I
the only one paying attention to anything around here?
CLARA: You are full of surprises. Porridge?
PORRIDGE: She's right.
CLARA: So you can save us?
PORRIDGE: We all die in the end. Does it matter how?
HA-AH: What do we do?
PORRIDGE: I don't want to be Emperor. If I activate that bomb, it's all
DOCTOR: And if you don't, three million Cybermen will spread across the
galaxy. Isn't that worth dying for?
DOCTOR: Three million Cybermen!
(Who have now reactivated.)
PORRIDGE: The bomb, the throne, it's all connected. I just have to say
this is Emperor Ludens Nimrod Kendrick, called Longstaff the forty
first, the Defender of Humanity, Imperator of known space. Activate the
Desolator. And it's done.
(The bomb is armed.)
PORRIDGE: It'll blow in about eighty seconds. Easily long enough for
the Imperial Flagship to locate me from my identification, warp jump
into orbit, and transmat us to the State Room.
DOCTOR: Oh yeah. Nice ship. Bit big. Not blue
enough. Listen, there is a large blue box at coordinates six ultra
nineteen P. I need it transmatted up here right away.
PORRIDGE: Right. Did you get that?
(The officer nods and works her console. The Cyberman walk past Webley
in the castle Throne room as the bomb countdown passes 11.)
PORRIDGE: And that's that. Seventy six, seventy seven, seventy eight,
(The planet goes KaBOOM, rocking the Imperial spaceship.)
PORRIDGE: Farewell, Cyberiad. You know, it was good to get away. Good
to be a person and not to be lonely, or Emperor of a thousand galaxies
with everyone waiting for me to tell them what to do.
ARTIE: Can't you run away again?
PORRIDGE: They'll be keeping a close eye on me this time. That's what
happens when you're Emperor. Loneliest job in the universe.
CLARA: You don't have to be lonely.
PORRIDGE: I don't. Clara, will you marry me?
ARTIE: He said
ANGIE: She heard what he said.
PORRIDGE: You're smart and you're beautiful, and I've never met anyone
like you before. And being Emperor won't be as hard if you're by my
side. And you'd rule a thousand galaxies.
DOCTOR: This sounds like an actual marriage proposal. Tricky. Now, if
you want my advice
CLARA: You, not one word. This is between me and the Emperor. Porridge,
I don't want to rule a thousand galaxies.
PORRIDGE: Yeah. Silly of me.
CLARA: I'm really sorry.
ANGIE: But that's stupid. You could be Queen of the universe. How can
you say no to that? When someone asks you if you want to be Queen of
the universe, you say yes. You watch. One day, I'll be Queen of the
PORRIDGE: Of course, I could have you all executed, which is what a
proper Emperor would do.
DOCTOR: You're not actually going to do that, though, are you? Oh,
PORRIDGE: Go on, get out of here, all of you, before I change my mind.
ARTIE: Thank you for having me. It was very
DOCTOR: My pleasure. Thank you for coming. Now, I've got something for
you. It's not from me, it's from the Tardis. Ah. New phone.
DOCTOR: You're welcome.
ANGIE: Sorry I said this box was stupid.
ANGIE: Bye. Thanks, Clara.
ARTIE: Thanks, Clara's boyfriend.
(Angie and Artie leave.)
CLARA: Thank you, Doctor.
DOCTOR: For what?
CLARA: Kid's day out. Getting us off the planet alive. Whatever you
were doing with the Cybermen. Good night. See you next Wednesday.
DOCTOR: Well, a Wednesday, definitely. Next Wednesday, last Wednesday
DOCTOR: One of the Wednesdays. Impossible girl. A mystery wrapped in an
enigma squeezed into a skirt that's just a little bit too tight. Oh
yeah. What are you?
PORRIDGE: Signs of any Cybertech remaining?
GLORIA: No, Majesty.
PORRIDGE: You ever wanted to be Emperor, Gloria?
GLORIA: No, Majesty.
PORRIDGE: That's the right answer. Come on. Let's go home.
(Nearby in space, a piece of debris blinks with a blue light.)