The Bells of Saint John

Original Airdate: Mar 30, 2013

Prequel Webisode

[Playground]

GIRL: Hello.
DOCTOR: Hello.
GIRL: Why are you sitting on a swing?
DOCTOR: Why shouldn't I?
GIRL: Because you're old.
DOCTOR: Yes, that's true. That is very true.
GIRL: My mum says I shouldn't talk to strange men.
DOCTOR: Ah, you mum's right.
GIRL: Are you strange?
DOCTOR: Oh, dear. I'm way past strange. I think I'm probably incredible.
GIRL: Are you lonely?
DOCTOR: Why would I be lonely?
GIRL: Because you're sad. Have you lost something?
DOCTOR: No.
GIRL: When I lose something, I go to a quiet place and I close my eyes, and then I can remember where I put it.
DOCTOR: Good plan.
GIRL: I'm always losing things. I lost my best pencil, my schoolbag, and my gran, and my mojo.
DOCTOR: Your mojo?
GIRL: I got it back, though.
DOCTOR: Hey, that's good.
GIRL: What did you lose?
DOCTOR: My friend. I met her twice before and I lost her both times, and now I don't think I'll ever find her again.
GIRL: Have you been looking?
DOCTOR: Yeah, everywhere.
GIRL: That's sad.
DOCTOR: It is a bit. Hey, is that your mum?
GIRL: Yeah, I'd better go and see if she's all right.
DOCTOR: Yeah, I think you better had.
GIRL: How are you going to find her?
DOCTOR: Well, the first two times I met her, I just sort of bumped into her, so I thought maybe if I just wandered about a bit, I might bump into her again. You know, like destiny, sort of.
GIRL: That's rubbish.
DOCTOR: Yeah, I think it probably is. Hey, maybe I could find a quiet room and have a good think about it instead.
GIRL: That would be better. Goodbye.
DOCTOR: Goodbye.
GIRL: Mister, I hope you find her again.
DOCTOR: So do I.
MUM: Who was that?
GIRL: I was talking to a sad man.
MUM: Look, Clara Oswald, what have I told you about talking to strange men?

(Over images of people connecting to a red wifi linking the whole planet, via desktops, laptops, phones, etc. is a man on a staticky screen.)
NABILE: Danger. This is a warning. A warning to the whole world. You're looking for wifi. Sometimes you see something.
(He holds up a card with seven strange symbols.)
NABILE: A bit like this. Don't click it. Do not click it. Once you've clicked it, they're in your computer.
(A whole slew of weird symbols in the available connections list.)
NABILE: They can see you. And they can see you, they might choose you. And if they do, you die. For twenty four hours, you're dead. For a while. People's souls are being uploaded to the internet. And some people get stuck. Their minds, their souls, in the wifi. Like echoes, like ghosts. Sometimes you can hear their screams on the radio, on the telly, on the net. This is real. This is not a hoax.
MAN 2 [on screen]: I don't know where I am.
NABILE: Or a joke.
(A Japanese woman on a laptop screen.)
NABILE: Or a story.
MAN 3 [on screen]: I don't know where I am.
NABILE: This is real, and I know that, because I don't know where I am. Please, please, if you can hear me, if you can hear me, I don't know where I am.
(We pull out to a display of lots of screens of people saying they don't know where they are.)

[Cumbria 1207]

(A monk hammers on the doors of a monastery.)
MONK: Wake the Abbott. The bells of Saint John are ringing.

[Courtyard]

ABBOTT: We must go to him.

[Tunnel]

MONK: They call him the mad monk, don't they.
ABBOTT: They shouldn't. He's definitely not a monk.

[Room]

ABBOTT: Ahem. I'm sorry to intrude, but the bells of Saint John are ringing.
DOCTOR: I'm going to need a horse.
(There is a portrait on an easel.)
MONK: Is that her?
ABBOTT: The woman twice dead, and her final message. He was drawn to this place of peace and solitude that he might divine her meaning. If he truly is mad, then this is his madness.
(The message on the portrait is, of course, Run you clever boy and remember.)

[Maitland home]

(The present day version of the portrait is on her phone.)
CLARA: Angie? Is the internet working? Trying to phone the helpline, they won't answer.
ANGIE: It's working for me.
CLARA: Can I use it when you're finished?
ANGIE: More than one person can use the internet at a time, Clara.
CLARA: You done your homework?
ANGIE: Shut up, you're not my mum.
CLARA: And I'm not trying to be, okay?
(The father enters with his son, who hands him the car keys.)
GEORGE: Right. Yes. Angie's probably fine on her own. You can probably have the night off.
CLARA: I'm okay. I'll be upstairs when I figure out my computer.
GEORGE: Anyway, the adverts are in, so hopefully we'll find someone.
CLARA: I'm here as long as you need me.
GEORGE: Good. Right, come along, Artie. Time to go.
(Clara takes the book Artie is holding. Summer Falls by Amelia Williams. The late Mrs Amy Williams of New York, perchance?)
CLARA: What chapter are you on?
ARTIE: Ten.
CLARA: Eleven is the best. You'll cry your eyes out.
FATHER [OC]: Artie!
(Artie leaves. Clara returns to her phone.)
CLARA: Oh, come on! Just answer. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up.
(She goes upstairs to her room, which is converted attic space. Clara stabs at her laptop to get the available wifi list up. Just two - Maitland_Family and the weird symbols.)

[Cavern]

(A telephone is ringing in the woods. The Doctor's escorts have brought him to a stone built entrance to an underground cavern. The Tardis is here.)
DOCTOR: That is not supposed to happen.
(He opens the little door next to the St John Ambulance symbol and answers the phone.)
DOCTOR: Hello?

[Clara's room]

CLARA: Ah, hello. I can't find the internet.

[Cavern]

DOCTOR: Sorry?
CLARA [OC]: It's gone, the internet.

[Clara's room]

CLARA: Can't find it anywhere. Where is it?

[Cavern]

DOCTOR: The internet?
CLARA [OC]: Yes, the internet.

[Clara's room]

CLARA: Why don't I have the internet?

[Cavern]

DOCTOR: It's twelve oh seven.

[Clara's room]

CLARA: I've got half past three. Am I phoning a different time zone?

[Cavern]

DOCTOR: Yeah, you really sort of are.
CLARA [OC]: Will it show up on the bill?
DOCTOR: Oh, I dread to think. Listen, where did you get this number?
CLARA [OC]: The woman in the shop wrote it down.

[Clara's room]

CLARA: It's a help line, isn't it? She said it's the best help line out there.

[Cavern]

CLARA [OC]: In the universe, she said.
DOCTOR: What woman? Who was she?
CLARA [OC]: I don't know. The woman in the shop. So

[Clara's room]

CLARA: Why isn't there internet? Shouldn't it sort of

[Cavern]

CLARA [OC]: Be there?
DOCTOR: Look, listen, I'm not actually, it isn't. You have clicked on the wifi button, yeah?

[Clara's room]

CLARA: Hang on. Wifi.
DOCTOR [OC]: Click on the wifi, you'll see a list of names. You see one you recognise.
CLARA: It's asking me for a password.
ANGIE: Is it okay if I go and see Nina? You can call her mum.
CLARA: Sure. What's the password for the internet?
ANGIE: R Y C B A R 1 2 3.
CLARA: How am I supposed to remember that?

[Cavern]

MONK: Is it an evil spirit?
DOCTOR: A woman.
(The monk crosses himself.)
CLARA [OC]: Hang on.

[Clara's room]

CLARA: A mo. Run you clever boy and remember one two three

[Cavern]

(The Doctor does remember.)
DOCTOR: What did you say?

[Clara's room]

CLARA: Don't shout. Now you've made me type it wrong. It's thrown me out again. What do I do? How do I get back in?
(Clara clicks on the symbols wifi, and lots more pop up. The local red line whizzes up the road.)

[Somewhere]

CLARA [on screen]: It's just a thing to remember the password, run you clever boy and remember. Hang on.
(Clara leaves her screen amongst the masses of frantic people.)

[Maitland home]

CLARA: Hello? Yes, I hear you.
(Someone is frantically hammering on the door and ringing the bell.)
CLARA: Yep. Ah ha.
(She opens the door to the Doctor.)
CLARA: Hello.
DOCTOR: Clara. Clara Oswald.
CLARA: Hello.
DOCTOR: Clara Oswin Oswald.
CLARA: Just Clara Oswald. What was that middle one?
DOCTOR: Do you remember me?
CLARA: No. Should I? Who are you?
DOCTOR: The Doctor. No? The Doctor?
CLARA: Doctor who?
DOCTOR: No, just the Doctor. Actually, sorry, could you start all that again?
CLARA: Could I what?
DOCTOR: Could you just ask me that question again?
CLARA: Doctor who?
DOCTOR: Okay, just once more.
CLARA: Doctor who?
DOCTOR: Ooo, yeah. Ooo. Do you know, I never realised how much I enjoy hearing that said out loud. Thank you.
CLARA: Okay.
(And shuts the door on him.)
DOCTOR: Hey, no, Clara, please. Clara, I need to talk to you. Listen. Please.

[Office]

ALEXI: Clara Oswald. We've got a positive lock on her, but I think she's borderline. Very clever but no computer skills.
(The lady in charge gives her decision.)
KIZLET: Upload her anyway. Splice her a computer skills package.
ALEXI: I'll activate a spoonhead.
(A Cardassian?)
KIZLET: Alexi, we call them servers, not spoonheads.
ALEXI: Sorry. Excuse me.
KIZLET: I'm ever so fond of Alexi, but my conscience says we should probably kill him.
MAHLER: I'll inform HR.
KIZLET: Actually, he's about to go on holiday. Kill him when he gets back. Let's not be unreasonable.
(They enter her office via a short staircase.)

[Miss Kizlet's office]

(They are very high up, looking straight out towards the Gherkin in the City of London.)
KIZLET: Didn't you want to speak to me?
MAHLER: We're uploading too many people too quickly. We're going to get noticed.
KIZLET: If your conscience is bothering you, think of it like this. We're preserving living minds in permanent form in the data cloud. It's like immortality, only fatal.
(She scrolls through photographs on her iPad until she gets to his. There are four sliders under it, conscience, paranoia, obedience and IQ.)
MAHLER: My conscience is fine.
KIZLET: Good. Because our client has his needs.
(She lowers his conscience slider to zero and ups the paranoia.)
MAHLER: Did you just hack me?
KIZLET: Because you changed your mind?
MAHLER: I hope I did.
(She drops his paranoia back down again as he leaves, then back up.)

[Maitland home]

DOCTOR: Please, I just need to speak to you.
(Clara turns on the door intercom.)
CLARA: Why are you still here? Why are you here at all?
DOCTOR [on screen]: Oi, you phoned me. You were looking for the internet.
CLARA: That was you?

[Outside the Maitland home]

DOCTOR: Of course it was me.
CLARA [OC]: How did you get here so fast?

[Maitland home]

DOCTOR [on screen]: I just happened to be in the neighbourhood, on my mobile phone.
CLARA: When you say mobile phone, why do you point at that blue box?
DOCTOR [on screen]: Because it's a surprisingly accurate description.
CLARA: Okay, we're finished now.
DOCTOR [OC]: Oi, no, don't.
(There is the creak of a floorboard then a door closing upstairs.)
CLARA: Angie? Angie, you upstairs? Angie, you still here?
(A young girl walks down the stairs. The young girl from the cover of the book.)
CLARA: Hello.
GIRL: Hello.
CLARA: Are you a friend of Angie's?
GIRL: I'm a friend of Angie's.
CLARA: What were you doing upstairs?
GIRL: I was upstairs.
CLARA: I know you, don't I?
GIRL: You know me, don't you.
(Clara remembers, then the girl starts to turn her head. It goes around 180 degrees to reveal a concave metallic back to her skull. A spoonhead?)

[Tardis]

DOCTOR: Right. Don't be a monk. Monks are not cool.
(He goes to the cabinets below the time rotor and starts throwing garments around. He finds his fez, then changes into a white shirt and knee length coat. The bow tie is in a wooden box.)

[Outside the Maitland home]

DOCTOR: Ah ha! Clara! Clara?
CLARA [OC]: Hello?
DOCTOR: Ah, see? Look, it's me. De-monked. Sensible clothes. Can I come in now?
CLARA [OC]: I don't understand.
DOCTOR: You just open the door.
CLARA [OC]: I don't know.

[Maitland home]

DOCTOR: Of course you can.

[Outside the Maitland home]

CLARA [OC]: Where I am. I don't know where I am. Where am I? Please tell me where I am. I don't know where I am.
(The Doctor sonicks his way in.)

[Maitland home]

CLARA [OC]: I don't know where I am. I don't know where I am!
(Clara is lying unconscious on the floor.)
DOCTOR: Clara? Clara?
CLARA [OC]: I don't know where I am. I don't know where I am. I don't understand. I don't know where I am! I don't understand. I don't know where I am.
(Clara is visible in the spoonhead's dish.)
CLARA [OC]: Where am I? I don't know where I am.
(The Doctor raises his sonic screwdriver.)

[Office]

(Alexi gets an alert on his screen. Error 62%)
ALEXI: I've got a problem.

[Maitland home]

(Under the sonic onslaught, the girl turns into a metal robot.)
DOCTOR: Walking base station. Walking wifi base station. Hoovering up data. Hoovering up people.

[Clara's room]

(He closes her laptop and takes it with him.)
DOCTOR: Oh no, you don't.

[Maitland home]

(Downstairs, he types in rapid commands.)
DOCTOR: Oh no, you don't.

[Office]

ALEXI: Looks like someone is trying to reverse an upload.
KIZLET: Is that possible?
MAHLER: The upload isn't fully integrated yet. In theory, yes.
(The upload indicator reverses.)
ALEXI: Oh, my god.
(He starts typing.)

[Maitland home]

DOCTOR: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not this time, Clara, I promise.
(The battle of the gibberish continues.)

[Office]

MAHLER: Can you stop this?
ALEXI: No.
(The red lines vanish from a large part of London.)

[Maitland home]

(A stream of energy from the mobile base station goes into Clara's head and she wakes up.)
DOCTOR: Okay. It's okay, it's okay. You're fine. You're back. Yes, you are. Oh yes, you are.

[Kizlet's office]

(Night. Miss Kizlet is pacing when Mahler enters.)
KIZLET: Well?
MAHLER: Our hacker sent a message.
(He brings it up on the big wall screen. UNDER MY PROTECTION - The Doctor.)
MAHLER: I assume he's talking about the girl.
KIZLET: Get out. I have to speak to the client.
(Mahler leaves. Miss Kizlet changes channels on the screen.)
KIZLET: Sir. The one you told me about, he's here. The Doctor is here.

[Outside the Maitland home]

(While Clara sleeps, the Doctor puts a glass and jug of water on her bedside table, then some flowers in a mug. No water for them. And finally, an entire packet of jammy dodgers. He takes a bite out of one of them, and savours it. Then he spots an old book - 101 Places To See - which she has had since she was 9 years old. She is now at least 24. Inside the first page is a pressed maple leaf. He tastes the leaf, then puts it and the book back and leave the room. Clara wakes, sees the half eaten biscuit and sits up. She looks out of the little attic window, down to where the Doctor has set up a chair and table outside the Tardis, and is using her laptop. He has what is either a gizmo or partly disassembled spoonhead in front of him.)
CLARA: Hello?
DOCTOR: Hello! Are you all right?
CLARA: I'm in bed.
DOCTOR: Yes.
CLARA: Don't remember going.
DOCTOR: No.
CLARA: What did I miss?
DOCTOR: Oh, quite a lot, actually. Angie called. She's going to stay over at Nina's. Apparently that's all completely fine and you shouldn't worry like you always do. For god's sake get off her back. Also, your dad phoned, mainly about the government. He seems very cross with them, I've got several pages on that. I said I'd look into it. I fixed that rattling noise in the washing machine, indexed the kitchen cupboards, optimised photosynthesis in the main flower bed and assembled a quadricycle.
CLARA: Assembled a what?
DOCTOR: I found a disassembled quadricycle in the garage.
CLARA: I don't think you did.
DOCTOR: I invented the quadricycle. Ha!
CLARA: What happened to me?
DOCTOR: Don't you remember?
CLARA: I was scared, really scared. Didn't know where I was.
DOCTOR: Do you know now?
CLARA: Yes.
DOCTOR: Well then, you should go to sleep. Because you're safe now, I promise. Goodnight, Clara.
CLARA: Are you guarding me?
DOCTOR: Well, yes. Yes, I am.
CLARA: Are you seriously going to sit down there all night?
DOCTOR: I promise I won't budge from this spot.
CLARA: Well then, I'll have to come to you.
DOCTOR: Eh?

[Office]

(Alexi has a view of the Maitland home with the Tardis on his screen.)
KIZLET: I take it the girl's inside, and alive?
ALEXI: Yes.
KIZLET: Alexi, I need you to do something creative about that.
(She hacks his IQ up to the max.)

[Outside the Maitland home]

(Clara brings a chair out, and two mugs.)
DOCTOR: I like your house.
CLARA: It isn't mine. I'm a friend of the family.
DOCTOR: But you look after the kids. Oh yes, you're a governess, aren't you, just like
CLARA: Just like what?
DOCTOR: Just like. I thought you probably would be.
CLARA: Are you going to explain what happened to me?
DOCTOR: There's something in the wifi.
CLARA: Okay.
DOCTOR: This whole world is swimming in wifi. We're living in a wifi soup. Suppose something got inside it. Suppose there was something living in the wifi, harvesting human minds. Extracting them. Imagine that. Human souls trapped like flies in the world-wide web. Stuck forever, crying out for help.
CLARA: Isn't that basically Twitter?
(The Doctor clicks on her wifi list. All the sets of symbols pop up.)
CLARA: What's that face for?
DOCTOR: A computer can hack another computer. A living, sentient computer, maybe that could hack people. Edit them. Re-write them.
CLARA: Why would you say that?
DOCTOR: Because a few hours ago you knew nothing about the internet, and you just made a joke about Twitter.
CLARA: Oh. Oh, that's weird. I know all about computers now in my head. Where did all that come from?
DOCTOR: You were uploaded for a while. Wherever you were, you brought something extra back, which I very much doubt you'll be allowed to keep.
(There is a man standing very still by a lamp post across the road.)
DOCTOR: You and me inside that box, now.
CLARA: I'm sorry?
DOCTOR: Look, just get inside.
CLARA: Both of us?
DOCTOR: Oh, trust me. You'll understand once we're in there.
CLARA: I bet I will. What is that box, anyway? Why have you got a box? Is it like a snogging booth?
DOCTOR: Clara. A what?
CLARA: Is that what you do, bring a booth? There is such a thing as too keen.
(Bedroom lights start to go on in the street.)
DOCTOR: Clara, look around you.
CLARA: What's going on? What's happening? Is the wifi switching on the lights?
DOCTOR: No, people are switching on the lights. The wifi is switching on the people.
(The head on the man across the road turns around.)
CLARA: What is that thing?
DOCTOR: A walking base station. You saw one earlier.
CLARA: I saw a little girl.
DOCTOR: It must have taken an image from your subconscious, thrown it back at you. Ah! Active camouflage. They could be everywhere.
CLARA: Doctor? Doctor.
(The lights behind the house are going out.)
CLARA: What's going on?

[Office]

MAHLER: Do we need another London-wide activation? We can't always pass it off as a riot.

[Outside the Maitland home]

CLARA: Our lights are on and everyone else's off. Why?
(A distant droning in the air.)
DOCTOR: Some planes have wifi.
CLARA: I'm sorry?
DOCTOR: We must be one hell of a target right now.
(Lights appear in the sky, approaching rapidly.)
DOCTOR: You, me, box, right now.

[Tardis]

DOCTOR: Yes, it's a spaceship. Yes, it's bigger on the inside. Now, I don't have time to talk about it.
CLARA: But, but, but, but it's
DOCTOR: Shut up, please. Short hops are difficult.
CLARA: Bigger on the inside. Actually bigger.
DOCTOR: Right, come on.
CLARA: We're going to go back out there?
DOCTOR: We've moved. It's a spaceship. We flew away.
CLARA: Away from the plane?
DOCTOR: Not exactly.

[Aeroplane]

(On a downward trajectory.)
CLARA: How did we get here?
DOCTOR: It's a ship. I told you. It's all very sciency.
CLARA: This is the plane? The actual plane? Are they all dead?
DOCTOR: Asleep. Switched off by the wifi. Never mind them.
(The Doctor sonicks his way into the cockpit.)
CLARA: What is going on? Is this real? Please, tell me what is happening!
DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor. I'm an alien from outer space. I'm a thousand years old, I've got two hearts and I can't fly a plane! Can you?
CLARA: No.
DOCTOR: Oh, fine. Let's do it together.
(They manage to get the plane's nose up enough to skim over the roof tops and back up into the air. The pilots start to wake.)
DOCTOR: Whoo! Would a victory roll be too showy offy?
PILOT: What the hell's going on?
DOCTOR: Well, I'm blocking your wifi so you're waking up, for a start. Tell you what, do you want to drive?

[Office]

(Still watching the house.)
KIZLET: I don't understand. That box, where's it gone? Find that box!

[Tardis]

CLARA: Okay. When are you going to explain to me what the hell is going on?
DOCTOR: Breakfast.
CLARA: What? I ain't waiting till breakfast.
DOCTOR: It's a time machine. You never have to wait for breakfast.

[South bank]

(The Doctor exits to a round of applause from passers by.)
DOCTOR: Thank you, thank you. Yes, magic blue box.
(He holds out the fez.)
DOCTOR: All donations gratefully accepted. Roll up, give us your dosh. Pennies, pounds, anything you've got.
(He hands it over to Clara.)
DOCTOR: Keep collecting. We need enough for breakfast. Just popping back to the garage.
CLARA: Garage?

[Tardis]

(The Doctor grabs Clara's laptop and heads off into the bowels of the Tardis.)
DOCTOR: This way.

[South bank]

CLARA: So this is tomorrow, then. Tomorrow's come early.
(The Doctor comes out of the Tardis on a Triumph motorbike.)
DOCTOR: No, it came at the usual time. We just took a short cut. Thank you, thank you. Tomorrow, a camel.
(He empties the fez and puts it on a nearby head. A Japanese tourist takes a photograph of his lady friend with the Tardis in the background.)

[Office]

(It immediately pops up on Alexi's screen.)
MAHLER: What's happening?
ALEXI: Blue box, South bank. Definitely wasn't there five minutes ago.
MAHLER: Are we sure this time? Earl's Court was an embarrassment.

[Motorcycle]

(Wearing helmets suitable for the age of the bike.)
CLARA: If you've got a flying time machine, why are we on a motorbike?
DOCTOR: I don't take the Tardis into battle.
CLARA: Because it's made of wood?
DOCTOR: Because it's the most powerful ship in the universe and I don't want it falling into the wrong hands. Okay?

[Office]

(Another mobile phone snaps them as they come off Westminster Bridge.)
KIZLET: I do love London. So many cameras.

[Rooftop terrace]

(Lovely view of St Paul's Cathedral dome with Tower 42 just beyond it. St Paul's Churchyard?)
CLARA: So if we can travel anywhere in time and space, why did we travel to the morning. What's the point in that?
DOCTOR: Whoever's after us spent the whole night looking for us. Are you tired?
CLARA: Yes.
DOCTOR: What? Then imagine how they feel. They came the long way round. They've got to be close. Definitely London going by the signal distribution. I can hack the lowest level of their operating system but I can't establish a physical location. The security's too good.
(And there is the Shard over Clara's shoulder.)
CLARA: Are you an alien?
DOCTOR: I am. Yes, okay with that?
CLARA: Oh, yeah. Think I'm fine.
DOCTOR: Oh, good.
CLARA: So, what happens if you do find them? What happens then?
DOCTOR: I don't know. I can't tell the future, I just work there.
CLARA: You don't have a plan?
DOCTOR: Oh, you know what I always say about plans.
CLARA: What?
DOCTOR: I don't have one.
CLARA: People always have plans.
DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, I suppose they do. So tell me, how long have you been looking after those kids?
CLARA: About a year, since their mum died.
DOCTOR: Okay. Why you? Family friend, I get that, but there must have been others. Why did it have to be you? You don't really seem like a nanny.
CLARA: Gimme.
(She grabs the laptop. He grabs it back.)
DOCTOR: Sorry. What?
CLARA: You need to know where they physically are. Their exact location.
DOCTOR: Yes.
CLARA: I can do it.
DOCTOR: Oi, hang on. I need that.
CLARA: You've hacked the lower operating system, yeah? I'll have their physical location in under five minutes. Pop off and get us a coffee.
DOCTOR: If I can't find them, you definitely can't.
CLARA: They uploaded me, remember? I've got computing stuff in my head.
DOCTOR: So do I.
CLARA: I have insane hacking skills.
DOCTOR: I'm from space and the future with two hearts and twenty seven brains.
CLARA: And I can find them in under five minutes plus photographs. Twenty seven?
DOCTOR: Okay, slight exaggeration.
CLARA: Coffee, go get. Five minutes, I promise.
DOCTOR: The security is absolute.
CLARA: It's never about the security, it's about the people.
(Her fingers are a blur on the keyboard.)
CLARA: Why do you keep looking at me like that?
DOCTOR: Sorry, no, it's nothing. It's just, you're a nanny. Isn't that a bit, well, Victorian?
CLARA: Victorian?
DOCTOR: You're young. Shouldn't you be doing, you know, young things, with young people?
CLARA: You mean like you, for instance? Down, boy.
DOCTOR: No. No. I didn't. Shut up.

[Coffee shop]

DOCTOR: Two more cappuccinos over there, please.
BARISTA: One moment, sir.
(There is a flicker of light offscreen.)
BARISTA: You realise you haven't the slightest chance of saving your little friend.
DOCTOR: I'm sorry, what?
BARISTA: One moment, sir. I said, there's not the slightest chance of saving your little friend. And don't annoy the old man. He isn't, in fact, speaking.
(Flicker of light.)
WAITRESS: I'm speaking. Just using whatever's to hand.

[Miss Kizlet's office]

KIZLET: Oh, she's rather pretty, isn't she? Do you like her?

[Coffee shop]

WAITRESS: Make her like you, too, if you want. (flicker) You all right, sir?
DOCTOR: Er, yes. Yes. Fine.
(He runs back outside.)

[Rooftop terrace]

(Clara is typing into a DOS box on her screen.)
DOCTOR: You okay?
CLARA: Sure. Setting up stuff. Need a user name.
DOCTOR: Learning fast.
CLARA: Clara Oswald for the win. Oswin!
CLARA [Doctor's memory]: You can always call me Oswin, seeing as that's my name.

[Coffee shop]

WAITRESS: Now I want you to take a look around. Go on, have a little stroll.

[Miss Kizlet's office]

KIZLET: And see how impossible your situation is.

[Coffee shop]

WAITRESS: Go on, take a look. I do love showing off.
GIRL: Just let me show you what control of the wifi can do for you. Stop!
(Everyone in the coffee shop freezes.)
DOCTOR: I saw what you can do last night.
GIRL: And clear.
(Everyone leaves the shop.)
WOMAN [on TV]: We can hack anyone in the wifi once they've been exposed long enough.
DOCTOR: So there's one of your walking base stations here, somewhere close.

[Miss Kizlet's office]

KIZLET: There's always someone close. We've released thousands into the world.

[Coffee shop]

WOMAN [on TV]: They home in on the wifi like rats sniffing cheese.

[Office]

(Some of the webcams perched on the screens flash.)
ALEXI: There's something up with the webcams.
(Clara has grabbed photographs of the workers.)

[Coffee shop]

DOCTOR: I don't know who you are or why you're doing this, but the people of this world will not be harmed. They will not controlled. They will not be
WOMAN [on TV]: The people of this world are

[Miss Kizlet's office]

KIZLET: In no danger whatsoever. My client requires a steady diet of living human minds. Healthy, free-range, human minds. He loves and cares for humanity. In fact, he can't get enough of it.

[Coffee shop]

DOCTOR: It's obscene. It's murder.
WOMAN [on TV]: It's life.

[Miss Kizlet's office]

KIZLET: The farmer tends his flock like a loving parent.

[Coffee shop]

WOMAN [on TV]: The abattoir is not a contradiction.

[Miss Kizlet's office]

KIZLET: No one loves cattle more than Burger King.

[Office]

ALEXI: I'm sure of it. Someone's hacking the webcams. All of them.
MAHLER: Everybody check your webcams.
ALEXI: But what would be the point, taking mug shots of us?
(Clara puts the images into Face Match.)
MAHLER: Who's on Facebook?
(Amy Pickwoad for a start. Other hands go up.)
MAHLER: Bebo? MySpace? Abo?
(Christina Tom identified, and Sam Price.)
MAHLER: Put your hands down if you didn't mention where you work.
(No hands go down. They work at The Shard. Clara looks over her shoulder.)

[Coffee shop]

DOCTOR: This ends. I'm going to end this today.
WOMAN [on TV]: How? You don't even know

[Miss Kizlet's office]

KIZLET: Where we are.

[Coffee shop]

DOCTOR: Who's doing this? Who is your client? Hmm? Answer me.

[Miss Kizlet's office]

(Mahler knocks and enters.)
MAHLER: Miss Kizlet, we have a problem.

[Rooftop terrace]

(The Doctor comes out of the coffee shop.)
CLARA: I did it. I really did. I did it. I did it. I found them.
DOCTOR: You found them.
CLARA: The Shard. They're in the Shard. Floor sixty five.
DOCTOR: Floor sixty five.
CLARA: Are you listening to me, Doctor? I found them.
DOCTOR: I'm listening to you. You found them.
(Then his head turns around to reveal that he is actually a walking base station. Clara gets uploaded properly this time.)

[Office]

ALEXI: We've got her. This time we've really got her.

[Rooftop terrace]

DOCTOR: Clara? Clara?
CLARA [OC]: Doctor? Doctor, help me. I, I don't know where I am. I don't understand. Doctor, help me, please. I don't know where I am. I don't know where I am! I don't know where I am. Doctor, please. Please help me. Please help me. I don't know where I am. I don't know where I am.
(The Doctor brandishes his sonic screwdriver.)

[Office]

CLARA [on screen]: Doctor, help me. I don't know where I am.
MAHLER: Should we pulp her or keep her as a hostage?
KIZLET: There's no point. She's fully integrated now. She can't be downloaded again. I'm sure he knows that.
ALEXI: I'm not sure he does. He's coming.
(The Doctor is on his motorbike, speeding across a bridge, but not London Bridge, which would have been the quickest way from St Pauls. Instead, it is Westminster Bridge again. They follow his progress via the cameras.)
MAHLER: We could stop him, I suppose.
KIZLET: Why bother? Could be quite funny.

[Outside The Shard]

MAN WITH CHIPS: Really, Doctor. A motorbike? Hardly seems like you.
DOCTOR: I rode this in the antigrav Olympics, 2074. I came last.
MAN WITH CHIPS: The building is in lock-down. I'm afraid you're not coming in.
DOCTOR: Did you even hear the word, antigrav?
(The Doctor presses a big red button on the fuel tank and roars away.)

[Office]

ALEXI: Seriously? He can do that? He can really actually do that?
KIZLET: Oh dear lord.
(The Doctor is driving up the side of the glass building. He gets out the screwdriver, and there is the sound of breaking glass.)
MAHLER: I think that was your office.
KIZLET: Excuse me. I believe there's someone to see me.

[Miss Kizlet's office]

(The motorbike is lying amongst broken glass, and the Doctor has his feet up on Miss Kizlet's desk.)
KIZLET: Do come in.
DOCTOR: Download her.
KIZLET: Sorry about the draught.
DOCTOR: Download her back into her body right now.
KIZLET: I can't.
DOCTOR: Yes, you can.
KIZLET: She's a fully integrated part of the data cloud, now. She can't be separated.
DOCTOR: Then download the entire cloud. Everyone you've trapped in there.
KIZLET: You realise what would happen?
DOCTOR: Yes, those with bodies to go home to would be free.
KIZLET: A tiny number. Most would simply die.
DOCTOR: They'd be released from a living hell. It's the best you can do for them, so give the order.
KIZLET: And why would I do that?
DOCTOR: Because I'm going to motivate you, any second now.
KIZLET: You ridiculous man. Why did you even come here? Whatever for?
DOCTOR: I didn't.
KIZLET: What?
DOCTOR: I'm still in the cafe.

[Rooftop terrace]

DOCTOR: I'm finishing my coffee. Lovely spot.

[Miss Kizlet's office]

BASE STATION: You hack people, but me?

[Rooftop terrace]

DOCTOR: I'm old-fashioned.

[Miss Kizlet's office]

BASE STATION: I hack technology.

[Rooftop terrace]

DOCTOR: Here's your motivation.

[Miss Kizlet's office]

(The base station removes the leather helmet and turns its head around. Miss Kizlet cowers.)
KIZLET: No, not me! Not me!
(A bright light flashes out from the Shard.)

[Office]

KIZLET [on screen]: Put me back. Put me back! Download me at once! That is an order. That is an order!
ALEXI: But she's fully integrated now. We'll have to download the entire cloud. We can't do that.
MAHLER: No, we can't.
KIZLET [on screen]: Download me!
(The base station returns its face to the front and picks up Miss Kizlet's iPad. It selects Mahler's profile and ups his obedience to maximum.)
KIZLET [on screen]: Download me!
MAHLER: Do what she says.
(Alexi obeys, and the faces disappear from the small screens on the back wall. Around the world, the wifi changes from red to blue.)

[Rooftop terrace]

(Clara breathes deep in her sleep.)
CLARA: Doctor?
(The Doctor leaves, and she wakes up.)
CLARA: Doctor? Doctor!

[Office]

MAHLER: You have no right to be in this office, and I am demanding that you leave at once.
OFFICER: This building is under UNIT control.
MAHLER: What is UNIT? Never heard of you.
OFFICER: Just you calm down, sir.

[Miss Kizlet's office]

(She summons up the face of Richard E Grant on her wall screen.)
KIZLET: UNIT are here. Friends of the Doctor, I presume.
GREAT INTELLIGENCE [on screen]: Oh, old friends. Very old friends.
KIZLET: Then I appear to have failed you, Great Intelligence.
GREAT INTELLIGENCE [on screen]: I have feasted on many minds. I have grown. But now it is time for you to reduce.
KIZLET: You've been whispering in my ear so long, I'm not sure I remember what I was before.
GREAT INTELLIGENCE [on screen]: Goodbye, Miss Kizlet.
(Miss Kizlet backs away, then selects Restore Factory Settings on her iPad. There is a grating noise, and all the workers grab their heads in pain.)

[Office]

ALEXI: Sorry. Where am I? What am I doing here? Are you soldiers? What's happening? How did I get here?
MAHLER: Excuse me, where are the toilets?
ALEXI: The toilets?
MAHLER: I'm here to fix the toilets, the gents. How long have I been here?

[Miss Kizlet's office]

OFFICER: Stay where you are!
(Miss Kizlet is sitting on the floor.)
OFFICER: Ma'am, identify yourself.
(Miss Kizlet speaks like a little girl.)
KIZLET: Where are my mummy and daddy? They said they wouldn't be long. Are they coming back?

[Tardis]

(At the Maitland home, Clara sees the Tardis outside the window. She goes and knocks on the door.)
DOCTOR: Come in.
CLARA: So, he comes back, does he?
DOCTOR: You didn't answer my question.
CLARA: What question?
DOCTOR: You don't seem like a nanny.
CLARA: I was going to travel. I came to stay for a week before I left, and during that week
DOCTOR: She died, so you're returning the favour. You've got a hundred and one places to see, and you haven't been to any of them, have you? That's why you keep the book.
CLARA: I keep the book because I'm still going.
DOCTOR: But you don't run out on the people you care about. Wish I was more like that. You know, the thing about a time machine, you can run away all you like and still be home in time for tea, so what do you say? Anywhere. All of time and space, right outside those doors.
CLARA: Does this work?
DOCTOR: Eh?
CLARA: Is this actually what you do? Do you just crook your finger and people just jump in your snog box and fly away?
DOCTOR: It is not a snog box.
CLARA: I'll be the judge of that.
DOCTOR: Starting when?
CLARA: Come back tomorrow. Ask me again.
DOCTOR: Why?
CLARA: Because tomorrow, I might say yes. Sometime after seven okay for you?
DOCTOR: It's a time machine. Any time's okay.
CLARA: See you then.
DOCTOR: Clara? In your book there was a leaf. Why?
CLARA: That wasn't a leaf. That was page one.
(Clara leaves.)
DOCTOR: Right then, Clara Oswald. Time to find out who you are.
(He sets the time rotor going.)

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