The Ghosts of N-Space

Original broadcast: 20 Jan 1996

BBC RADIO 2

RADIO 2 ANNOUNCER: (Female:) And now Jon Pertwee returns to our own time in a brand new Doctor Who adventure, for the first episode of Radio Two's new six-part series, The Ghosts Of N Space.

(Opening Doctor Who theme music composed by Peter Howell.)
ANNOUNCER: (Male:) Doctor Who And The Ghosts Of N Space. Starring Jon Pertwee as The Doctor, Elisabeth Sladen as Sarah Jane Smith, and Nicholas Courtney as The Brigadier. Episode One.

THE BRIGADIER: Uncle Mario, how can I help you if you won't tell me what the trouble is?
MARIO: I tell you what trouble is, don't I? For thousand years we say castello is home sweet home, sí? 
THE BRIGADIER: Mm.
MARIO: For ninety-two years I live here, sí? When I die, you be Barone, sí? You want it should be stole away like the pig?
THE BRIGADIER: Pig? What pig?
MARIO: What Tom, Tom, the Piper's Son stole.
THE BRIGADIER: Oh, that pig.
MARIO: Yes.
THE BRIGADIER: Yes, I see. And who is going to steal the castle, Uncle?
MARIO: Nobody. You stop him. That's why I ask you to come to island.
THE BRIGADIER: But stop who? What are you talking about?
MARIO: Ah, you not listen. The gangster man Vilmio - Max Vilmio - he say, I no sell him castello, island, all, I be sorry. Be very ... I be very sorry to die.
THE BRIGADIER: Die? You mean he's threatened to kill you?
MARIO: Oh yes.
THE BRIGADIER: Well, that's intolerable. I think I'd better have a word with Mr Vilmio.
MARIO: Well, he no listen to word. You see, he wait until you go, and then - boof!
THE BRIGADIER: Mm. Listen Uncle, this is more serious than I realised. I think I'd better go back to the mainland and pick my stuff up from the hotel and come and stay for a while - just till it's sorted out. I'm due for a spot of leave. And if this Vilmio chap...
(Tapping and bird-like cry.)
THE BRIGADIER: Good grief. Creature ... a thing looking through the window. It's flying off now.
MARIO: Black, with wings?
THE BRIGADIER: Red with wings. Blood-red.
MARIO: Oh yes. I seen him. Some of them have wings. The little fiends from Hell.
THE BRIGADIER: You mean you've seen them before?
MARIO: Oh, they come, they go. Never mind the piccoli diavoli - you go get bag, sí? Then come back to castello, and kill this Vilmio for me. Okay?

(Helicopter.)
CLEMENZA: I think you are wrong, Godfather. If you don't kill this man we shall have more trouble than we've had since the Fifties.
DON FABRIZZIO: Max Vilmio comes from one of the most respected Families in New York. Do I not have enough enemies in Sicily?
CLEMENZA: Can you allow this one-armed smart arse to run your people off the island like ... frightened chickens running from a fox? Would you wish such shame upon me?
DON FABRIZZIO: We seem to have arrived. Look, my boy. Is she not a veritable pearl? I have loved this island and her little sister way over there since I was a boy. Did you know, Pietro, that the best fishing in all the waters of Northern Sicily is to be found between the two islands of San Stefano? You shall have your revenge, my consigliere, when the time comes. And if the time has to be now...
CLEMENZA: That's all I'm asking. Bruno will be standing behind you all the time. Right, Bruno?
BRUNO: Sí, Signore.
CLEMENZA: You only have to give him the nod, and Max Vilmio is dead.

(Typing on typewriter.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Now then, let's see.
(Moving roller of typewriter.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: "Elspeth looks in horror at the still-smoking automatic in her hand and unwillingly lifts her eyes to the impossible sight of the old man's body. The noise of the door heralds the arrival of the person she fears most in all of the world - the erstwhile drug smuggler from Valparaiso, Garcia O'Toole ... who is in Scunthorpe visiting his Irish aunt and happens to have heard the shot as..." Oh, phooey! That's just plain silly!
(Knocks on door.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Who is it?
JEREMY: Me. Jeremy.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, hi. But he's got to turn up and catch her or I'll never get them in bed together.
(Door opened.)
JEREMY: I'm starving.
SARAH JANE SMITH: What?
JEREMY: It's lunchtime. In fact, it's half past lunchtime. How's the greatest novel of the Twentieth Century coming along?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Now, don't you start. I'm having enough trouble with Garcia O'Toole and his lady-love.
JEREMY: Who?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Well, what are you waiting for? Come on, I'm starving.
JEREMY: Wait for me.

(Bubbling.)
THE DOCTOR: Mustn't get too hot or the coagulation of the protein mass would...
(Telephone rings.)
THE DOCTOR: Hello.
(Static on the other end of the line.)
THE BRIGADIER: Is that you, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Lethbridge Stewart? Thought you'd gone on your Easter hols.
THE BRIGADIER: I'm on leave, yes. I'm phoning from Sicily. But you could hardly say I was on holiday.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, well, look - would you ... would you hang on for a moment, Brigadier? I'm just in the middle of ... Oh no! Oh, for Pete's sake. Hello. The place is full of smoke now.
THE BRIGADIER: I'm sorry, Doctor. You got something important on?
THE DOCTOR: Indeed I have - a pan of Welsh rarebit. I'm surprised you can't smell the burning in ... in where ... wh-where did you say you were?
THE BRIGADIER: Sicily. I'm visiting my Uncle. Or rather my Great Uncle.
THE DOCTOR: Uh-huh.
THE BRIGADIER: Or I suppose he's really my third cousin three times removed...
THE DOCTOR: Mm.
THE BRIGADIER: ...something ridiculous like that. He's actually my grandmother's second cousin, so I suppose that...
THE DOCTOR: Look, Lethbridge Stewart, you are becoming prolix. Is there any danger of you getting to the point this side of Christmas?
THE BRIGADIER: There's something very odd going on here.
THE DOCTOR: Oh?
THE BRIGADIER: At least, I think there is. It may be that I'm seeing things.
THE DOCTOR: Oh? What sort of things?
THE BRIGADIER: Well, not to put to fine a point on it, there ac...
(Static.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh ... Hello. Say again, Brigadier. Brigadier!
THE BRIGADIER: So you see, it's right up your street.
THE DOCTOR: Oh.
THE BRIGADIER: Frankly Doctor, I need you. Listen, I've got to go. I'll miss the ferry. Is there any possibility that you could come out?
THE DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes, yes, I-I'll come at once. Where are you?
THE BRIGADIER: I'm staying with Uncle Mario at his castello, his castle. It's on the island of San Stefano Minore which is west...
(Voice fades.)
THE DOCTOR: Hello ... Hello - Brigadier? Oh well. Here we go again.

SARAH JANE SMITH: Mm. Don't get me wrong. I'll be eternally grateful that your Mum decided that a horse show was more important than going on holiday with her poppet.
JEREMY: Oh, come on.
SARAH JANE SMITH: No, seriously, it was great of you to ask me. I've always wanted to see Sicily. And it came at just the right time. What with Clorinda turning down the Dalek piece. Oh, give us a top-up.
JEREMY: Shall I get another?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Mm ... better not.
JEREMY: You can hardly blame her.
SARAH JANE SMITH: No? Do you realise that our darling Editor has spiked every single thing I've put up since I met the Doctor? Is it any wonder I've decided to give up.
JEREMY: Give up? You never said anything about giving up.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Writing best-sellers. That's the thing. Winning the Booker. And being rich and famous so nobody can muck you about.
JEREMY: But who's going to teach me how to be an investigative journalist?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Ask your precious Clorinda.
JEREMY: I say!
SARAH JANE SMITH: No, I've quite made up my mind. At least, I had until this morning. Come on, it's your turn to pay.
JEREMY: Where are we going?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Sight-seeing. Ah. It's time we did the tourist bit. Elspeth and Garcia will be glad to see the back of me.
JEREMY: Signore.
WAITER: Ah. Grazie, Signore.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Good heavens!
(Bell of cash register.)
JEREMY: What?
SARAH JANE SMITH: It's the Brig!
JEREMY: Where?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Over there getting on the ferry. Hi there -Yoo-hoo!
JEREMY: Stop it, Sarah. Everybody's looking at us.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Has he seen me? Oh - yes he has. Oh. He's just gone on board.
JEREMY: He looked as if he'd seen a ghost.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Why didn't he wave back?
JEREMY: Well, we'll never know.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh yes we will.
JEREMY: Now what?
SARAH JANE SMITH: You said you wanted to know how to be an investigative journalist - well, now's your chance.
JEREMY: Eh?
SARAH JANE SMITH: What's the Brigadier doing skulking about with a suitcase, and pretending not to see his old friends?
JEREMY: Friends?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Mm, whatever. Come on - they're pulling in the gangway.
JEREMY: Stop being so bossy! You're not my sister, you know.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Thank heavens for small mercies.

CLEMENZA: The arrogance. A man I would not wipe my shoes on to keep waiting the Don Fabrizzio.
DON FABRIZZIO: Tell me more about him. How did he come to lose his arm? Family business?
CLEMENZA: No-one knows. Everybody I've spoken to in the States says that his right arm has always been false. He never speaks of it.
DON FABRIZZIO: Mm. Anything else?
CLEMENZA: He's strong. You want to know how strong? Angelo Baco saw him kill a guy just by picking him up by the neck.
DON FABRIZZIO: He strangled him, with one hand?
CLEMENZA: With his one hand. It was very nearly big enough to go right round Angelo's head...
(Approaching footsteps.)
DON FABRIZZIO: Shh, shh.
(Door opened.)
MAX: Don Fabrizzio! I can't tell you the pleasure it gives me to welcome you to the Isola di San Stefano Maggiore. And to apologise to you, Signore Clemenza, for the screw-up on your last visit.
CLEMENZA: Signore.
MAX: Take a seat.
DON FABRIZZIO: Thank you.
MAX: All of you.
BRUNO: No, grazie.
DON FABRIZZIO: Bruno will remain standing.
MAX: Okay, okay. You'll have a drink?
DON FABRIZZIO: Thank you, no. And - this is ...?
MAX: Eh? Oh, yeah, yeah. Brother Nico. Come and say hi.
NICO: Don Fabrizzio.
DON FABRIZZIO: Forgive me, Signor Vilmio, but I find it strange that you should want to talk business in the presence of a ... a monk.
MAX: Ah, forget it. Nico and I have been, er... well, associates for years. We have no secrets.
NICO: You can trust me, Signore.
DON FABRIZZIO: Very well. Consigliere, show Signor Vilmio the contract.
(Door opened.)
MAGGIE: Coffee?
MAX: Maggie! I told you we weren't to be disturbed. Get lost.
MAGGIE: I know you Eyeties. Till you've had your espresso fix, you can't get going. (Giggles.) Hark at me! Still, I should know.
MAX: We're talking business here, babe.
MAGGIE: Okay, Daddy-o. I'm gone already.
MAX: Now there's a...
(Door closed.)
MAX: ... There's a lot about percentages here. Not much about what I get out of it.
CLEMENZA: Protection.
MAX: Huh? (Laughs.) I'm not some punk running a liquor store in the Bronx. Protection against your hoods? Come on!
DON FABRIZZIO: Your line of business is well-established in these parts, Signore. With our contacts...
MAX: My line of business? What exactly do you think I'm up to?

(Sound of boat and seagulls in background.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Whoops, dearie. It's rougher than it looked.
JEREMY: Did you find him?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yup. He's in the bar, knocking back the Scotch.
JEREMY: Well, I think this is a silly game, and I ... I'm beginning to feel sick. It's no business of ours anyway. I've just got an Italian girlfriend.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, call yourself a journalist!
JEREMY: You're just nosey.
SARAH JANE SMITH: That's right!

MAX: A tourist centre, a leisure complex, an island - two islands - I'm negotiating to buy San Stefano Minore as well. Strictly legitimate. If the hostesses are friendly and obliging, what business is it of mine? Or yours, huh? Why should I need your help? Or your protection?
DON FABRIZZIO: A bordello, a whorehouse, a leisure complex - what does it matter what you call it? You're a rich man already - a multi-millionaire if my information is correct. If you're wise, you will devote some of your profits to the cultivation of goodwill.
MAX: A multi-millionaire? You're wrong. I got to be a multi-billionaire over three years ago. Do you think I did it by giving away my profits? Or by letting myself be kicked around by some two-bit Godfather with cow-shit between his toes?
DON FABRIZZIO: Very well. You've been offered the hand of friendship and you've chosen to spurn it. I'm sad. Goodbye, Signor Vilmio. Bruno?
BRUNO: Sí...
(MAX grunt, thump, scream by DON FABRIZZIO, falling. Hissing. Scream by CLEMENZA.)
NICO: You've killed them.
MAX: Yeah. It has its uses, a metal arm. This one in particular. Eh, Nico?
NICO: Sí, Signore.
(Door opened.)
MAGGIE: You boys want any more coff - ee? Jeez. (Laugh.) Hey, why didn't you ask me to the party, Maxie?

SARAH JANE SMITH: Wakey, wakey. We're almost there.
JEREMY: Where?
(Sound of bells.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: San Stefano Minore, according to this map. And if he doesn't get off here, there's only one island left - San Stefano Maggiore over to the west.
JEREMY: Ohh...
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, you look ghastly. Sort of dead-ish.
JEREMY: I wish I were.
SARAH JANE SMITH: No - no, stay down - there he is. He seems to be the only one getting off. Come on.
JEREMY: Look, be reasonable. The sun's gone in, it's blowing a gale and it looks as if it's going to rain. Let's go back.
SARAH JANE SMITH: I'm not giving up after coming all this way. Now, come on. And don't let him see you.
JEREMY: Oh, Lor'!

THE BRIGADIER: Oh, it's no good. I've got to have a breather. No wonder the locals call this hill a mountain.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, look out. Can't you be a bit more careful? If he'd turned round when he'd stopped he'd have caught you.
JEREMY: I wish he would. Then we could ask him what he's up to and go home.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, don't be so silly. Come on - he's gone round the corner. We don't want to lose him.
JEREMY: Oh...

SARAH JANE SMITH: Wow! Will you look at that. A real live castle. And the Brig's going in the gate. Hey, we've got to see where he goes. Come on.
JEREMY: I do wish she'd stop telling me to come on.

SARAH JANE SMITH: He's letting himself into the house. He must have a key. Oh, isn't this terrific?
JEREMY: Super. Can we go now?
SARAH JANE SMITH: It's a funny old mixture, this castle.
JEREMY: What do you mean?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Well, doesn't something strike you as a bit odd about this gate tower? Especially the shape of the arch.
JEREMY: Arabian Nights, I suppose?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Exactly. The whole of the outer wall and those two towers on the corners - they must have been built by the Arabs. And yet the inner tower - the keep - is Norman, just like the ones at home. Except somebody's turned it into a house by putting in windows. Yes, and look - there's a sort of Renaissance bell-tower sticking up behind it, see? With a clock? (Laughs.) It's a right old mongrel.
JEREMY: I want to go home.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, Jeremy!
JEREMY: Well - what are you proposing to do now? Ring the bell and wish the Brig a happy new year? I'm hungry and I'm cold, and - and if you ask me...
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, all right, all right, all right! We'll go back. Honestly! it's like taking a three year-old for a walk. We'll catch the next boat.

(Door opened.)
MARIO: Aha!
THE BRIGADIER: Oh. Good evening, Uncle Mario.
MARIO: Glad you've come back, boy. I was half-afraid that you ... But no, blood is blood. You true Italiano, through and through.
THE BRIGADIER: Granny MacDougal was only half-Italian, Uncle...
MARIO: Eh?
THE BRIGADIER: So that makes me one-eighth Italian and seven-eighths Scots.
MARIO: Never mind. You learn to speak proper the Italiano, and nobody guess. I learn to speak like real Scottishman before you say Jack Honda, like in my book.
THE BRIGADIER: My book, actually.
MARIO: Mm?
THE BRIGADIER: I haven't forgotten you pinched all my books when I was only seven.
MARIO: How else I learn proper to speak, huh?
THE BRIGADIER: You're an old rogue, Uncle.
MARIO: Is true. Very old rogue.
THE BRIGADIER: Oh, by the way - I rang my Scientific Adviser. He's agreed to come out to look into things.
MARIO: Ah.
THE BRIGADIER: It was a pretty bad line, but he said he'd come at once, so he'll probably catch the morning flight to Palermo.
MARIO: Sí, sí, sí! I - I - I must screw my head on more tighter. Yes, I forget. He is here, your Doctor in a blue box. Is clever trick he play. Gone today and here tomorrow, sí? I tell him you're a-coming, yes?

JEREMY: It's all shut up.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Hang on, there's a notice. Yes, here it is. "Traghetti". What was the name of our boat? The Duca Aosta, wasn't it? Oh yes. That comes back tomorrow at, erm... eleven-thirty. And the others - No, the others don't come here at all.
JEREMY: What!
SARAH JANE SMITH: Well, I suppose it's not worth their while.
JEREMY: You mean we're stuck here until tomorrow morning?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Never mind, we've got money, so it's only a matter of finding somewhere to have some food, a place to kip down for the night. It's an adventure, isn't it?
JEREMY: Where would you suggest? Everywhere's shut, even the ice cream place. There's not a soul in sight, it's starting to get dark and I'm sure I felt a spot of rain.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, honestly!

JEREMY: You have rung the bell, haven't you?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Well, I'm... I'm just trying to work out what to say. I can't really tell the Brig we were following him, now can I? I mean, well, it's a bit cheeky poking our noses into his business, isn't it?
JEREMY: Well, I did say.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yes you did, and that just makes it worse.
JEREMY: Oh Sarah, please.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Well, I'll just have to pretend to be surprised to see him, I suppose. He's never going to believe it. Oh well. Here goes.
(Scream by LOUISA in distance.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: What's that? It's coming from round the back.
JEREMY: Oh, wait for me!

SARAH JANE SMITH: I can't see anything.
JEREMY: Perhaps it came from behind that garden wall. Look. The end's fallen down. Somebody must have got hurt.
(Crashing waves below.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: No. This hasn't just happened. It's old.
LOUISA: No!
SARAH JANE SMITH: It is over there.
LOUISA: No!
SARAH JANE SMITH: I'm coming!
JEREMY: Oh! I'm coming too.
LOUISA: Giuseppe! Giuseppe!
(SARAH JANE SMITH cry.)
JEREMY: Sarah, for goodness sake, be careful - you'll go over the cliff!
LOUISA: Giuseppe!
SARAH JANE SMITH: Hang on. I'm nearly there.
LOUISA: You're safe, my darling.
(Scream.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: No, don't do it!
LOUISA: I'm coming!
SARAH JANE SMITH: No, stop, please! Stop, please!
(Sound of water splashing.)
JEREMY: Lord! What happened?
SARAH JANE SMITH: She went over the edge. She just stepped over. Perhaps...
JEREMY: Come back! It must be a five hundred foot drop!
SARAH JANE SMITH: I can't see her! I can't see anything but the waves and the rocks.
JEREMY: Sarah, behind you!
(Growl of creature. SARAH JANE SMITH screams.)

THE DOCTOR: I should apologise for parking the TARDIS in your magnificent great hall, Signore... I beg your pardon, Barone.
MARIO: No, no, no. Is not real, this Barone. Only label, like on empty jam-jar. I am Mario Verconti, plain.
THE DOCTOR: Ah.
MARIO: Plain as a nose on a face. I am called Barone because I am Esquire. is right? Es, es... esquire?
THE BRIGADIER: Same as Lord of the Manor, really.
THE DOCTOR: And you told the Brigadier, Signore, that you and your forebears have always known the castello to be haunted?
MARIO: Of course. The lady in the white dress, I see her often when I was bambino, but not the little diavoli, the fiends from the pit. They come only now, the rascals.
THE DOCTOR: And you say you've seen them too, Brigadier?
THE BRIGADIER: I don't believe in ghosts, and yet ... well, I've certainly caught a glimpse of one. At least, I think I have. One of Uncle Mario's friends.
THE DOCTOR: Oh? And what did it look like?
THE BRIGADIER: Absolutely ghastly, old boy. Scales, and tentacles, and teeth. You know the sort of thing.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, I'm very much afraid that I do. Has anybody else seen them apart from you and the Brigadier, Signor Verconti?
MARIO: Oh, sure. Our servants, they run away like cowardly custard creams, back to village. Only young Umberto left.
THE BRIGADIER: The butler. Seventy-nine, if he's a day.
(LOUISA scream in distance.)
MARIO: Aha! You hear? Come quick! You see her, the lady in white.
(Moving off.)
MARIO: Beyond this door. You see?
JEREMY: (outside:) Sarah! Behind you!
THE BRIGADIER: I know that voice.
(SARAH JANE SMITH scream. Door opened to outside.)

(Roar of creature.)
THE BRIGADIER: Good grief!
THE DOCTOR: Stay where you are, Brigadier! You too, Barone. Good. Good, I thought as much.
THE BRIGADIER: It's fading away. It's gone!
JEREMY: Thank goodness. Brigadier, Doctor - it's Sarah. I think she's fainted.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, well, keep back, Jeremy. I can see her.
THE BRIGADIER: The wind - it'll have her over! She's right on the edge!
THE DOCTOR: Well, if I lie flat, you hold my feet, Lethbridge Stewart, I ... I should be able to get her. Now, come on.
JEREMY: Oh, do be careful.
THE DOCTOR: Now then, gently does it. Inch by inch. Hold on tight, Brigadier. Right. A couple more inches. A little more. Right. Got her. Come on, back we go. Back we go. Back.
JEREMY: Is she all right?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, just shock, that's all. Shock. Sarah? Sarah.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Wh... wh... wh... wh... where am I? No! No, no! I...
THE DOCTOR: It's all right, it's all right, it's gone.
(SARAH JANE SMITH moan.)
THE DOCTOR: Sarah, it's gone.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, Doctor. Brigadier ... Oh Brigadier, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. So sorry...
(Sobs.)

MAX: Are you comin' back to bed?
MAGGIE: Sure honey, just as soon as I fix my eyelash. I don't know why you didn't waste the other guy as well.
MAX: Oh, you want I should send his Family a telegram? They'll have got the message quicker this way.
MAGGIE: Message? You didn't give that consigliere guy any... oh!... message to take back.
MAX: I didn't?
MAGGIE: What was it then?
MAX: Unconditional surrender, that's what. Like Ike and the Krauts. I've got more important things to do than play footsie with a bunch of peasants.
MAGGIE: Ike who? Ike at the deli?
MAX: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ike from the deli. Face it, babe, you're just an ignorant broad from Brooklyn.
MAGGIE: Sure I am.
(Laughter from MAGGIE and MAX.)

THE BRIGADIER: Are you feeling better, Miss Smith? Sarah.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yes. Thank you. Erm ... a bit woozy.
MARIO: I put another log on fire.
JEREMY: But what was it, that thingy that was trying to grab Sarah? I mean, it wasn't a real monster, was it, like the ones on Parakon. It sort of - faded away.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, it was real enough. On the other hand, in a sense it's no more real than an image in a dream. Then, of course, that applies to all of us.
THE BRIGADIER: Well, it certainly doesn't apply to me, and frankly I can't see that it applies to any of us.
THE DOCTOR: And yet you were quite prepared to believe that Sarah was a product of your own overheated brain, when you saw her this morning.
THE BRIGADIER: Yes, well ... You must admit that it is the most impossible coincidence that we should have bumped into each other.
THE DOCTOR: Impossible? Well, evidently not, since it happened. In any case, you're leaving out the likelihood of its being a simple case of synchronicity.
SARAH JANE SMITH: What's synchronicity?
THE DOCTOR: Well, the principle that a coincidence may happen without any causal link, and yet still be of significance. Whole systems of philosophy have been based on it.
THE BRIGADIER: You mean, we were destined to meet?
THE DOCTOR: Well, fatalism might be considered a cruder version of the same viewpoint, certainly.
JEREMY: But what was it - the monster?
THE DOCTOR: Well, did we all see the same thing? That's the first question. Brigadier?
THE BRIGADIER: Sort of ape creature, wasn't it?
THE DOCTOR: Yes.
JEREMY: And staring red eyes, all sort of fiery.
(SARAH JANE SMITH drops a cup.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh - so-so-sorry ... I - I - I dropped...
THE DOCTOR: I'm sorry. How very thoughtless of me, Sarah. It's about time we were all in bed. There's nothing that won't wait until the morning.

SARAH JANE SMITH: There's the broken wall, cliff edge. Hmph! It looks entirely different in the sun. The Doctor's right about images in a dream. The whole thing feels more like a nightmare.
(Three knocks.)
JEREMY: (outside door:) Sarah?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Come in.
(Door opened.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh. Come and look, mm? You can see where they've built on a garden at the back. They must have done it when they added this bit of the house...
(A bell start to chime.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: ...and the clock tower. Isn't it all quite lovely?
JEREMY: Do you think there might be some breakfast going?
SARAH JANE SMITH: (laughs:) Quite right. First things first. Well, only one way to find out.

SARAH JANE SMITH: Hey, look. All the Barone's ancestors. And the Brig's too, come to think of it.
JEREMY: How do you know they are?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Well, who else could they be? Going right back, too. That one must be about - three hundred years old? (laughs.) There's the Brigadier in drag. He looks more like Widow Twankey, doesn't he?
JEREMY: Oh, do come on. Do you think they'll have eggs and bacon?
(SARAH JANE SMITH sighs.)

(Rummaging.)
THE DOCTOR: Why is it that things never stay where they're put? I know full well that I put my ion-focusing coil back in its place after Bertie Wells borrowed it for his invisibility experiment. Oh ... ah! Ah, here it is! What did I tell you?
THE BRIGADIER: What's that thing you're making?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, what a one you are for names, Lethbridge Stewart. I've been too busy building it to hold a christening. I suppose, if you insist, I could call it a Multi-Vectored Null-Dimensional Temporal and Spatial Psycho-Probe. But I'd much rather not.
THE BRIGADIER: I see. Or rather, I don't. What's it for?
THE DOCTOR: Well, I'll be in a better position to explain when I've carried out a few investigations. To speculate without facts is a waste of valuable time.
THE BRIGADIER: Very sound.
THE DOCTOR: Mm, and I must admit, I have very little personal experience of N Space.
SARAH JANE SMITH: What's N Space, Doctor?
THE BRIGADIER: Ah, good morning, my dear. How are you feeling now?
SARAH JANE SMITH: A lot better for a good night's sleep. And Signor Callanti's been so kind. We've had a super breakfast in that enormous kitchen of his - sort of olive bread, and salami and stuff.
JEREMY: Never seems to have heard of marmalade, though.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh...
JEREMY: Breakfast isn't breakfast without marmalade.
THE BRIGADIER: You have a point. But it's got to be the right sort of marmalade.
THE DOCTOR: Mm-hmm.
THE BRIGADIER: The bitter sort.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, thick and dark, eh?
SARAH JANE SMITH: With chunks.
JEREMY: I prefer the jelly stuff myself.
THE BRIGADIER: Yes ... Doctor, what is N Space?
THE DOCTOR: Well now, the Earth - every world - has a counterpart. They're as close to each other as a pair of clasped hands. In the normal course of events, it's impossible to go there or even to communicate with it because...
JEREMY: ...Because it's in the fourth dimension!
THE DOCTOR: Young man, a lot of nonsense is talked by a lot of people about the fourth dimension - and the fifth and the sixth and the rest, for that matter.
THE BRIGADIER: Well, where is it, then?
THE DOCTOR: Nowhere. Literally. It's a question you can't ask. There's no "where" for it to be. You see, N Space isn't in this Space-Time Continuum at all. That's how it gets its name. It's short for Null-Space.
SARAH JANE SMITH: And that's why we're not aware of it.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, precisely - because of the discontinuity that you might expect between the two worlds, which forms a very effective barrier. It can normally only be crossed by the dying.
THE BRIGADIER: And ghosts?
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I'll come to that. You see, every sentient being on Earth has an equivalent N Body, coterminous with the ordinary body.
JEREMY: Whatter-how much?
THE DOCTOR: Well, when somebody dies, the N Body goes into N Space. It often seems like a tunnel of darkness leading to a blissful light.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, I've heard about that. People who've died on the operating table - and then brought back to life - and they say all their dead family are there to greet them, or angels or whatever.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, well, the trouble is, with some people the mind is so attached to the things of Earth that they can't give them up. Well, often they can't even take it in that their Earthly lives are over. So, instead of just passing through, they get stuck in N Space. Some of them even try to get back through the barrier; and if they can find the smallest flaw, they'll come back and try to relive their final moments and make them come right.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Ghosts.
THE DOCTOR: Yes. Ghosts.
(Electronic warbling noise of The Doctor's machine.)
THE DOCTOR: Right. Right, that should do it. Right then, off we go.
THE BRIGADIER: Where are we going?
THE DOCTOR: To the cliff-top where we found Sarah, of course. With any luck, I'm going to give you all a peep into N Space.

(Outside.)
THE DOCTOR: Right. Here we go then.
(Warbling of machine.)
JEREMY: Look. There's a sort of glow. Over there above the stones.
(LOUISA's scream.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: And here she is. That's who I saw.
LOUISA: Giuseppe! No!
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, I can't bear it!
LOUISA: Giuseppe. Wait for me, my love. I'm coming.
THE BRIGADIER: No! Sarah, stay here!
JEREMY: Look at the light - it's like frozen lightning.
THE DOCTOR: You're seeing the cracks through the N Space barrier.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh my God! Oh!
THE BRIGADIER: That thing again.
(Screech.)
THE BRIGADIER: And there's the one I saw before, with the tentacles.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh no! It's coming this way!

(Closing Doctor Who theme music composed by Peter Howell.)
ANNOUNCER: The Ghosts Of N Space was written by Barry Letts and starred Jon Pertwee as The Doctor, with Elisabeth Sladen as Sarah Jane Smith, Nicholas Courtney as The Brigadier, Richard Pearce as Jeremy, Stephen Thorne as Max, Sandra Dickinson as Maggie, Harry Towb as Mario, and Deborah Berlin as Louisa. Other parts were played by Jonathan Tafler, Don McCorkindale and David Holt. Incidental Music was by Peter Howell of the BBC Radiophonic Workshop, and Technical Presentation was by John Whitehall, Alison Carter and Colin Guthrie. The Producer was Phil Clarke.

SATURDAY 27 JANUARY 1996
BBC RADIO 2

RADIO 2 ANNOUNCER: (Female:) And now on Radio 2, Episode Two of Doctor Who And The Ghosts Of N Space. In last week's episode, the Doctor had opened the crack to N Space and the evil fiends were pouring through. Will he and his assistants survive?

(Opening Doctor Who theme music composed by Peter Howell.)
ANNOUNCER: (Male:) Doctor Who And The Ghosts Of N Space. Starring Jon Pertwee as The Doctor, Elisabeth Sladen as Sarah Jane Smith, and Nicholas Courtney as The Brigadier. Episode Two.

(Ripping sound as barrier opens, and noises of creatures - fiends.)
THE DOCTOR: Right - stay where you are. Stay where you are! It's all right.
(Machine turned off.)
THE DOCTOR: Right. There was nothing to fear. I'd merely reconstituted the traces of the phenomena of the recent past.
THE BRIGADIER: Are you trying to tell us that you played a trick on us?
(SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh!
THE DOCTOR: Well - not intentionally. Look, I'm sorry you were so startled by the images of the fiends...
THE BRIGADIER: Startled? Those horrible things, coming right at us?
THE DOCTOR: Yes, well, it was stupid of me, I should have explained. You see, what you saw on this occasion was nothing more than an ... action replay, so to speak.
SARAH JANE SMITH: What - even the ghost?
THE DOCTOR: Even the ghost. Yeah. She was just an image too. A ... a meta-spectre. A memory of a memory. But that wasn't the object of the exercise - I wanted to find out exactly what the situation is.
THE BRIGADIER: Well?
THE DOCTOR: No. Not at all well. It's as I feared. At some time in the past a massive psycho-physical shock has ruptured the barrier at this point and weakened it drastically. Well, from the evidence, it must be very near the moment of catastrophe.
THE BRIGADIER: Catastrophe?
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I use the word in its strict scientific sense. If a dam is breached, the water comes through in a relative trickle at first, and then small cracks appear around the fracture. the trickle becomes a stream, the dam is weakened even further until - pfft! Catastrophe. The dam bursts. The countryside is flooded.
THE BRIGADIER: The N Space barrier could burst? Is that what you're saying?
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, indeed I am. Now, you all saw what has been trying to get through the cracks. When the catastrophe point is reached, and the barrier gives way, this planet will be flooded by all the evil in N Space. All the fear, greed, anger, hate, all ... all the sheer malevolence that the world has experienced from the beginning of time will pour out into the world in an overwhelming torrent. And at the moment, I've no idea how to stop it.
MARIO: Alistair! My boy, he is ... he is a-coming! I ... I have him espied with my I-spy glass from the top of the tower.
THE BRIGADIER: Calm down, Uncle. I take it you mean the Vilmio fellow.
MARIO: Sí, sí.
THE BRIGADIER: Leave it to me. I'll deal with him. I've been looking forward to it.

(Trying to push past.)
MAX: Don't mess with me, you old bum. Get out of my way!
UMBERTO: No, no, Signore, you must not.
THE BRIGADIER: Can I help you?
(UMBERTO coughing as though choking.)
MAX: Who are you?
THE BRIGADIER: My name is Lethbridge Stewart. I represent my uncle, Mario Verconti.
MAX: Well, Old Dopey here takes me for some sort of a mug. He's been trying to tell me the Barone's not in the castello.
THE BRIGADIER: Not at home. An accepted fiction in polite society. He is not at home to you , sir.
MAX: What?
THE BRIGADIER: Thank you, Umberto, that'll be all.
UMBERTO: Sí, Signore.
(UMBERTO coughing, sound fading away.)
THE BRIGADIER: I have to tell you, Mr Vilmio, that neither you nor your propositions are welcome. The island of San Stefano Minore is not for sale and there's an end of it.
MAX: You're wrong, Mister ... Lethbridge Stewart. This is only the beginning. I want this island, this castle, and I'm used to getting what I want.
THE BRIGADIER: There's no more to be said. Good day.
MAX: I'm not one of your goddam servants! You Brits seem to think you still own the Earth. I'll be back.

THE BRIGADIER: I'm afraid we haven't seen the last of that fellow.
(Objects being moved.)
THE BRIGADIER: Beds?
THE DOCTOR: Mm?
THE BRIGADIER: What do you want with beds?
THE DOCTOR: Ah! Brigadier. You've arrived back very opportunely. Look - look, would you be so kind as to hold this? Yeah - Yeah, just - just there, like that, yeah. Next to the seashell, while I run this coil around them.
THE BRIGADIER: Lord! Looks like the skull of a rat.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, probably because it is the skull of a rat. A very necessary component of the circuit. Er ... thank you, that's fine.
THE BRIGADIER: One thing bothers me...
THE DOCTOR: Yeah?
THE BRIGADIER: Are we to take it that the expression "N Space" is just a euphemism for plain old-fashioned Hell?
THE DOCTOR: (laugh:) No. Not exactly. Look - as you're doing nothing, Brigadier, would you like to catch a hold of this wire and pull it under both beds?
THE BRIGADIER: Oh.
THE DOCTOR: Wind it round the pillow behind you. Behind you, there. Yeah - thread it through the other wires, yeah. Those other wires there. Yeah, I'll do the same this side, right?
THE BRIGADIER: Right.
THE DOCTOR: You see, the spirits, as you call them, the ... the selves, are condemned to stay in N Space only by their own ignorance of the truth of the situation. That's the way. Now this one, please. In the end, most do manage to see what they're doing to themselves, and ... then they can move on into the light, leaving all their fear, hate and despair behind them.
THE BRIGADIER: But what about the fiends?
THE DOCTOR: The N Forms. Oh yeah. Now, er ... What do you think must be the inevitable consequence of the amount of negativity generated by all those selves who've managed to quit N Space?
THE BRIGADIER: Not erm ... not good?
THE DOCTOR: (laugh:) No. Not at all good. Just as the joy of the light is manifest in the shape of angels and whatever, as Sarah was telling us earlier, so the power of darkness is embodied in the form of fiends. Look - Brigadier, would you be so good as to hold this while I adjust this connection?
(Bird-song heard in the background.)
THE BRIGADIER: A hard-boiled egg.
THE DOCTOR: Indeed it is. You'd be surprised how high the psychic capacitance is of your average six-minute egg. Oh - careful, Brigadier! Don't squash it.

(Door opened, walking.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: (gasp.) Oh. Oh, it's you.
JEREMY: The Doctor told me to come and help you. It's taken me yonks to find you. How was I supposed to know where the library was? Oh, what are you reading? Hmph! What's the point of having a book all in Latin?
SARAH JANE SMITH: You're as bad as Alice. "What's the use of a book without pictures or conversations?" I'm trying to find the earliest references to the hauntings in this castle.
JEREMY: Alice who?
(SARAH JANE SMITH sighs.)
JEREMY: This place is a mess. Piles of books all over the place.
(Books fall. JEREMY gasp.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh Jeremy, for heaven's sake! Look, either do something to help or go bug somebody else.
JEREMY: How can I help when they're all written in foreign languages?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Well, you can pick those books up for a start.
JEREMY: I mean, I'm not a Little Miss Clever-Clogs who ... Oh. Wait a minute. This one's in English.
SARAH JANE SMITH: What?
JEREMY: "The Mystery of the Castello," by somebody called Ann Radcliffe.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Let's have a look.
JEREMY: Do you mind? What's that?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Hmm? What?
JEREMY: A bit of paper fell out.
(Lifting of paper.)
JEREMY: Oh. Latin again.
SARAH JANE SMITH: That's not paper, it's parchment. Listen - oh ... Oh, this is incredible! The Doctor asked me to see if I could find any mention anywhere of what would have caused the crack in the barrier, and listen to this. "For the practitioner ..." - craftsman, yes, something like that - " ... under the wing of the dragon, will break through the claustrum ..." - and I'm sure that means barrier - "... and change the base metal of ..." er ... something or other, "... for the everlasting gold he so ardently seeks."
JEREMY: What does it mean?
SARAH JANE SMITH: It means we've found something that'll be just what the Doctor ordered, and by accident, too. You know what he's going to say, don't you?
JEREMY: What?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Synchronicity. That's what.

THE DOCTOR: Serendipity. As pretty an example as I've come across in a century of blue moons. It appears to be an extract from an alchemical text. Yeah, could prove to be invaluable.
JEREMY: But what is it, what you said? What does it mean?
THE DOCTOR: Serendipity? Making a fortunate discovery by accident. A coinage by my old friend Horace Walpole. Ah! Well done. Thank you, Brigadier. That's it. It's ready.
THE BRIGADIER: So, now you've finished it, what do you call it?
THE DOCTOR: Oh! There you go again. Look, i-i-if I were to tell you that it's a Dimensional Transducer - well, an O.B. Dimensional Transducer - would you be any the wiser?
THE BRIGADIER: What does O.B. stand for?
THE DOCTOR: Out of the Body. Yeah, when we use this apparatus to travel into N Space this afternoon, our bodies will stay here. That's what the beds are for.
THE BRIGADIER: I beg your pardon, but - did I hear you say something about 'we' and 'travel' and 'this afternoon'?
THE DOCTOR: Yes. It's too dangerous for me to go alone. With two of us going, at least one of us should make it back.
THE BRIGADIER: Look here, old fellow, I ... don't want to let you down, but I ... really do think I have to stay to keep an eye on Uncle Mario. This Vilmio person is quite beyond the pale. He's capable of anything, if you understand me.
THE DOCTOR: My dear chap, of course I understand. However, the difficulty is...
SARAH JANE SMITH: Please ... I'll go.

SARAH JANE SMITH: So what happens now?
THE DOCTOR: Right, is the ... is the headpiece quite comfortable?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yes.
THE DOCTOR: Right then. Hang onto those brass grips.
(Holding metal.)
THE DOCTOR: There you are. And don't let go. You're completing the circuit, you see, now c... close your eyes, and just let it happen.
(Warbling sound of power building up.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Can't get out of it now, my girl. Relax. Oh, go on, relax.
THE BRIGADIER: (faint:) If they're not going to be back by dinnertime...
(Soaring sound of movement.)
THE BRIGADIER: (faint:) ...it gives us time to work out a plan of defence against this Vilmio chap.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Good Lord. I'm floating against the cloister roof. And there's me down on the bed, and the Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Off we go. Come on, then.
SARAH JANE SMITH: How?
THE DOCTOR: You don't ask how to lift your arm, do you? Just do it.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh? Oh ... Oh, it's easy. It's like flying in a dream. (Laugh.) It's great.
THE DOCTOR: Now then. We need to see the flaw in the barrier so that we can get through it.
(Click. Warbling sound of probe activating.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: How have you managed to bring that if we're spirits - N bodies, I mean?
THE DOCTOR: What, the psycho-probe?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Mm.
THE DOCTOR: Well, if you know how, small objects can go through the barrier. Look, think of the objects - stones and so on - that drop out of nowhere in the odd poltergeist case. Right, there we are. There. You see? See the cracks of light? Now then, follow me.
(Noise like tearing cloth as they pass through.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: It's true. Everything they say is true. A tunnel of light going off into the distance, and a much brighter light at the end. And I can see some people ... Oh - oh, wait for me. Wait for me.
THE DOCTOR: No, No, Sarah ... Sarah, stop.
(Peal of thunder and multiple screams.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh. Oh, I ... I nearly lost you then.
SARAH JANE SMITH: This is a dreadful place, it's like the photographs of No Man's Land in the First World War and it ... going on for ever. Is this N Space? Oh. Where are the fiends?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, they'll turn up.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Thanks a bunch. I was worried for a moment. There's nobody here. You said...
THE DOCTOR: Now, look again. Look again out of the corner of your mind.
(Rushing water in the distance.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, I see what you mean. There's the castello, and the broken wall, and...
LOUISA: Guiseppe? Guiseppe!
SARAH JANE SMITH: She's just wandering as if she's lost. Oh, now it's all gone again, she disappeared like a dream.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, very like a dream. But is it your dream, or hers?
SARAH JANE SMITH: You mean that none of this is real?
THE DOCTOR: Nothing could be more real. Fundamentally you see matter and mind are two aspects of the same thing. Now then, let's see what the psycho-probe can tell us.
(Click. Warbling sound of device.)
THE DOCTOR: Ah, good. Good, good, good, good. Yeah, my hunch was right. There are indications of a massive shock.
(Click to turn off probe.)
THE DOCTOR: Come on. Come on, we have a journey to go.
(Wind whistling.)
THE DOCTOR: Keep looking.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Looking where I'm going? Oh, I see what you mean.
(Man's gasps.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yes. I saw a building and some new patio...
(Man gasps.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh. It's finished him.
(Man sobs.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh. They seem to come and go.
THE DOCTOR: You'll soon get the knack.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh...
THE DOCTOR: What?
(Man scream.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: There's a sort of giant slug thing and ... oh, it's eating him.
THE DOCTOR: It's just as well it's distracted, or we might end up as fiend fodder ourselves.
SARAH JANE SMITH: But why should they need food? They're just spirits, aren't they, or ... images or something?
THE DOCTOR: N Forms, yes. But they're as real as you or me. However, they lack one thing, and it's the one thing they inevitably crave, and that's a self, a personality. So in the usual human grabbing way they try to absorb the selves around them, and the one way they can do that ... is by eating them. Right. Now, here we are.
(Running water in the distance.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: But we're back at the castle.
THE DOCTOR: Look again.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, yes. The wall hasn't come down yet.
THE DOCTOR: Exactly. We're trying to trace any disturbance of the N Space barrier in the past history of the castello. Now, there seems to have been two. Now, let's see.
(Click and warble of psycho-probe.)
THE DOCTOR: Mm-hmm. Yes, the ... the crack is there, look. But it hasn't developed nearly so far towards catastrophe. It's difficult to tell whether it's suffered the fatal shock yet or not. Well, there's only one way to find out.
(Tearing sound again. Gasp by SARAH JANE SMITH. Hiss.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Well, well, well. So that's what it feels like to float through a wall.
THE DOCTOR: (laugh:) What does it feel like?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Er ... nothing at all.
THE DOCTOR: No, of course not.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Hey, look. It wasn't just the wall that collapsed. There's a sort of room built into it at the end of the proxter.
THE DOCTOR: Oh? Let's have a peep. Hmm. Bit big for a gardener's shed. Come on. The vector-scope on the probe will take us straight to the beginning of the perturbation in the psycho-physical matrix that brought us here.
(Hiss. SARAH JANE SMITH gasps.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: I could get hooked on this as a way of getting about. I guess that we're heading for the kitchen where Jeremy and I had breakfast this morning. In fact, it's probably the other side of this next...
(Hiss. SARAH JANE SMITH gasps. Scream of MAID. Things dropped.)
THE DOCTOR: Ah! Damn!
SARAH JANE SMITH: Hmm?
THE DOCTOR: We're ghosts ourselves, of course! But, of a sort. Oh, careless of me, careless of me.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, wait for me!

MAID: It's not true, Signore. It was a man. He just appeared from nowhere.
THE DOCTOR: They're in the Great Hall.
MAID: Dressed all in black with white hair and mad staring eyes.
BARONE: You've been listening to Signorina Louisa and her foolish tales.
MAID: No, no. I saw him, I saw him.
BARONE: You'll be telling me next that the pots jumped off the table by themselves. To be sure, I'm becoming a little tired of these fancies.
MAID: No, Signore. When the glasses flew across the room and broke themselves, we all saw it. Even Signor Berino.
BARONE: I'll have no more of it, do you hear? Go back to the kitchen and let me read my newspaper in peace!
(MAID sobs.)
BARONE: Oh, off you go.
THE DOCTOR: Poltergeist.
SARAH JANE SMITH: What?
BARONE: I'll tell Signor Berino...
THE DOCTOR: I said it must be a poltergeist.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh.
BARONE: ... not to stop the broken pots from your wages.
(MAID sobs.)
BARONE: Come along.
(MAID sobs.)
BARONE: I'll go with you.
(MAID sobs.)
THE DOCTOR: Quick - hide. Through the wall.
(Hiss.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: It's the library. A bit tidier, I must say.
THE DOCTOR: Shh, shh, shh, shh!
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh.
THE DOCTOR: We have company. Right, that should do it.
(Hiss.)
THE DOCTOR: Ah, right. There we are. We have our confirmation.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Hmm?
THE DOCTOR: A simple poltergeist. Now, hold old would you say the young lady in the library was?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Er ... about fifteen?
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, you nearly always find an adolescent involved in poltergeist cases. I wonder what date this is? Mm, early Nineteenth Century judging by the clothes. Let's have a look at his newspaper.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Er ... "The Corsican Tyrant Ailing." Wow. That must be Napoleon.
THE DOCTOR: Mm. Eighteen Eighteen. A time of hope, and a long way from our other port of call. Ready?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Where are we going now?

SARAH JANE SMITH: The castle looks just the same. A bit newer, perhaps.
THE DOCTOR: Mm. About three hundred years newer, at a rough guess.
(Click, warble of psycho-probe.)
THE DOCTOR: Ah, yes. Yes, that ... the crack's that much smaller. Still, it's ... it's wide enough to get through.
(Tearing. Hiss.)
THE DOCTOR: Shh, shh! There's somebody coming. Stay in the shadow.
(Walking forwards.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Looks like a monk. What's that he's carrying?
THE DOCTOR: Some sort of a jar. It's very heavy.
SARAH JANE SMITH: He's going into the garden shed place.
THE DOCTOR: Yes. He's left the door open. Let's go and see what he's doing.
MAX: Don't spill it, fool.
NICO: Your pardon, Master.
SARAH JANE SMITH: It's mercury, isn't it, what he was carrying?
(Bubbling.)
THE DOCTOR: Quicksilver, yes.
MAX: Now, a drop at a time. Keep the furnace hot, do you hear me? Is there much has been distilled?
NICO: Naught but a draught. A scant draught.
MAX: That will suffice. Bring it.
SARAH JANE SMITH: What's he doing?
THE DOCTOR: Shh.
(MAX murmuring a chant.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: He seems to be praying. But wouldn't he cross himself?
THE DOCTOR: I doubt if it is a prayer.
MAX: Epa, skal! Here, villain. Take it, and drink.
NICO: No, Master, no!
MAX: What? I offer you a potion to cure you of all human ill, the sacred draught of Hermes Trismegistus, the veritable elixir of life and you spurn it? Drink, I say!
NICO: I am afraid.
(MAX grunts.)
MAX: Drink it!
(Sound of a knife being pulled out.)
MAX: Or this knife shall taste your blood.
NICO: (gasp:) I will obey.
MAX: Drink, then.
(NICO gasps. Drinking. Choking, smash of dropped glass, NICO falls, choked, then silence.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Is he dead?
THE DOCTOR: Mm. I don't think there's much doubt about that.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh! Look! His ghost rising from his body.
THE DOCTOR: Yes. And his Master can see it too.
MAX: Stay! I command and conjure thee that thou shalt obey me in all things. In the name of Astaroth, of Beelzebub, and of the great Lucifer himself, I command thee!
NICO: Of course, Master. Have I not always been faithful?
SARAH JANE SMITH: He doesn't realise he's dead. Can't he see his body on the floor ... Oh no...
THE DOCTOR: Sarah ... Sarah, be careful.
MAX: Who's there!
THE DOCTOR: Sarah, give me your hand, come on.
(Hiss.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh ... what happened?
THE DOCTOR: Well, you wanted to see more closely, so of course you floated into view.
SARAH JANE SMITH: I'm sorry.
THE DOCTOR: In any case, I need more information. Let's go and see what we can find out. Come on.

(Sobbing of woman.)
BARONE: I tell you Madam, it displeases me to see you weeping for Guido still.
SARAH JANE SMITH: That must be Guido on the wall, the portrait.
THE DOCTOR: Shh!
BARONESSA: (tearful:) I weep for us all. I weep that his very inheritance should be in hazard to a stranger. Can this evil man, this sorcerer, be in truth your cousin?
BARONE: He seems to bear the proof. And he is no sorcerer, my lady, but a man of God.
BARONESSA: What blood is he? To bear the name of the Emperor, a German name, would seem to be unlikely. I think it false.
BARONE: He came bearing letters from the Spanish court. Would you have me eject the man by force?
BARONESSA: I expect nothing from you, my Lord. A man who would watch his own son, his heir, walk to his death and lift no hand to stop him?
BARONE: It was his Christian duty. The taking of Granada was a crusade most worthy to be fought. Aye - and to die for.
THE DOCTOR: Time to go.

THE DOCTOR: Fourteen Ninety-Two.
SARAH JANE SMITH: What about it?
THE DOCTOR: In Fourteen Ninety-Two the Arabs were finally kicked out of Spain. Granada was the last town to fall.
SARAH JANE SMITH: So you were finding out the date again?
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, that's right. If that sad lady's son died in the battle for Granada, our visit must have been somewhere near the turn of the century, and that's near enough for the TARDIS to be able to take us back there. See?

(Outside, motor boat engine running.)
MAGGIE: Yeah! You know I love these trips on the yacht, honey, especially on a day like this. But why have we got to go to San Stefano Piddle-in-the-Wind?
MAX: Business, babe, business.
MAGGIE: You think more about your goddam business than you do about me. You're always looking through those freaking binoculars. What's with this castello anyway?
(Sound of seagulls in the background.)
MAX: Get some clothes on. We're going to tie up to the quay.
MAGGIE: Why don't you tell me what's going on, sugar? Perhaps I could help.
MAX: Yeah. Maybe you could at that.

(Sounds of seagulls and tourists chatting in the background.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Would you like another cioccolata sorpresa?
JEREMY: I really don't think I could, thank you.
(SARAH JANE SMITH gentle laugh.)
JEREMY: It was awfully nice of you to buy it for me.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Well, I suddenly thought, you know...
(Sound of an Italian issuing instructions and then whine of boat engine.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: ... well, it was a bit iffy leaving you out in the cold while I went off having all the fun. Oh, look at this enormous boat coming in. All the chrome and stuff. More like an ocean liner than a yacht. And there's the Brigadier come to meet it. Now, what's he up to?
THE BRIGADIER: Excuse me, could you tell me whose boat this is?
MAN: It belongs to Signor Vilmio. You want to see him?
THE BRIGADIER: I certainly do not, thanks all the same.
SARAH JANE SMITH: And here's the Doctor coming.
JEREMY: Where? I can't see him.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yes, well you wouldn't, tucked behind those potted palms. No, listen, Jeremy. What I really wanted to say was that, I think that if I really pushed, I could persuade the Doctor to take you in the TARDIS as well. After all, you...
JEREMY: Er ... no thanks.
SARAH JANE SMITH: You mean to say you'd turn down the chance to travel in Time...
THE DOCTOR: Lethbridge Stewart? Oh, your uncle told me you were down here. What's up?
THE BRIGADIER: Vilmio again. Had the nerve to set up camp on our blasted doorstep. Uncle saw him coming through that telescope of his.
THE DOCTOR: Mm, yes, well, I'm ready to leave. There are one or two things I'd like to clear up before I go. Have you seen Sarah anywhere?
SARAH JANE SMITH: I'm here, Doctor...
THE DOCTOR: Ah.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Be right with you. Jeremy Fitzoliver, I shall never do anything for you again as long as I live. You're a wimp. No, you're a wally. You're a wally and a wimp. And if you think of anything else beginning with a W you're probably that as well. Sorry, Doctor.
(Moving off.)
THE DOCTOR: Right, on our way, then. Are you sure that you're not overreacting, Lethbridge Stewart? I mean, after all...
JEREMY: That's typical of Sarah. It's just not fair.
MAX: It's got to look like an accident, okay?
NICO: Yes, Master.
MAX: Don't call me that here, you fool.
NICO: No, Signor Vilmio, I'm sorry. The one with the moustache, you mean?
MAX: Are you dumb or something? The one they call the Doctor. The one with white hair. If he's still there on the twenty-first, don't come back until you've fixed him good. He's in my way.
NICO: Sí, Signore.
MAX: Not yet, idiot! You want them to see you? Come back to the boat.
JEREMY: Oh, Lor'!

JEREMY: Sarah! Wait!
SARAH JANE SMITH: Jeremy!
JEREMY: Oh. Am I glad to see the TARDIS.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Well, it's a bit late to change your mind.
JEREMY: No. It's - it's the Doctor. That Max Vilmio chap, the one who's nobbling poor old Mario, he's ... he's sending somebody to kill the Doctor.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh!
JEREMY: A sort of monk chap. We've got to warn him.
SARAH JANE SMITH: It's okay, okay, I'll tell him. But it's not as if he's going to be in much danger where we're going, now is he? Well, not that sort anyway.
THE DOCTOR: Sarah?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Mm?
THE DOCTOR: Sarah, are you coming or not?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yeah - coming. Good-bye, Jeremy.
(Humming of electronic doors. TARDIS dematerialisation.)
JEREMY: Wait. I've changed my mind. I want to come too.

(TARDIS control room.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: I nearly got lost in all those costume rooms. You could put on a pageant. Anyway, how do I look?
THE DOCTOR: Very nice too. Well done.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yes, I feel like a refugee from Pride And Prejudice.
THE DOCTOR: What did Jeremy want?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh! A lot of nonsense about the Brig's American sending a hit-man after you.
THE DOCTOR: Hmm. Well, well, well.
(Materialisation noise starts.)
THE DOCTOR: So, it looks as if Lethbridge Stewart was right about him.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Hmm?
THE DOCTOR: But why me? It might be an idea to take your wristwatch off. It's the biggest giveaway of the lot, even in the Nineteenth Century.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Sorry.
(Removing watch.)
THE DOCTOR: We'll be in trouble if the TARDIS has landed in the Great Hall again.
(Humming of TARDIS doors opening.)

(Outside, bird song, beach water.)
THE DOCTOR: No. No, she's really come up trumps. Right on the beach.
(Patting Police Box.)
THE DOCTOR: Well done, old girl.
(Humming of TARDIS doors operated.)
THE DOCTOR: No - no, not that way, my dear.
SARAH JANE SMITH: But we're going up to the castello, aren't we?
THE DOCTOR: No. We're going for a swim.
SARAH JANE SMITH: What?
(Splashing.)
THE DOCTOR: Come on in. The water's fine.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh well. Follow the Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: No, no, Sarah, don't take anything off! That'd ruin everything.
SARAH JANE SMITH: You're sure this is a good idea?
THE DOCTOR: Yeah. That's the ticket. Now, dunk your head.
(SARAH JANE SMITH groans.)
THE DOCTOR: No, no, no - bonnet and all. Like this.
(SARAH JANE SMITH groans. Splash. THE DOCTOR coughs.)
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, well done.
(SARAH JANE SMITH grumbles.)
THE DOCTOR: Well, that's excellent. Shall we go in now?

(Inside a building, clock ticking in background.)
THE DOCTOR: And ... well, unfortunately we capsized. Well, we managed to get to the shore and it was a real stroke of luck that the fishermen turned up when they did.
PAOLO: (laugh.) You may stay as long as you wish.
THE DOCTOR: Thank you.
PAOLO: I declare it'll be a delight for my ward to have a companion for a while, in particular an English girl. You're both most welcome.
THE DOCTOR: You're too kind, Signor Verconti, too kind.
PAOLO: Colonel Nettleton was killed at Waterloo, and Louisa's mother died soon after, of a putrid infection. So, as the girl's godfather, I was living in Tunbridge Wells at the time you comprehend, and ... I felt it was the very least I could do.

LOUISA: And Mama died of a broken heart, so Powly brought me here.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Powly?
LOUISA: My guardian. Paolo Verconti.
(Hiss of tongs.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh - ow.
LOUISA: Try and keep still, Miss Smith, or I shall infallibly burn your hair.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Sorry.
LOUISA: These curling irons must be just so. At first, I would like to have died of grief. But to live in a castle. A real castle with towers and turrets and galleries. Just like the one in The Mysteries Of Udolpho. You have read Udolpho, I'm sure?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Ah - erm, no.
LOUISA: Have you not? There. You look sweetly pretty again. You do not read novels, Miss Smith?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Sarah, please.
LOUISA: Oh. Sarah. I knew at once we were to be the dearest friends. A friend I could tell my secrets to.
SARAH JANE SMITH: I should like that.
LOUISA: Oh, you must read all my books, so that you can discover my true nature. For of all things I delight in tales of long-lost heirs and skeletons and mad monks and ghosts.
(SARAH JANE SMITH laughs.)
LOUISA: Doe not the very word send a shiver through you?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Have you ever seen one?
LOUISA: Not seen, no. But we do have one in the castle. Is that not vastly pleasing?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh yes, I think I've heard of her. The lady in white. We must try to see her while I'm here.
LOUISA: Oh, I doubt it's a lady, Sarah. What would you say to a soup tureen flung across the kitchen to smash upon the wall, or a scattering of pebbles in the floor of the corridor? And then my piano forte. My dear little piano forte turned upside down onto its lid, but not in the least broken, and then after...
(Gong.)
LOUISA: Five o'clock. Dinner. We eat in the Great Hall.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Dinner?
LOUISA: Oh, Powly becomes more vexed than you can conceive if we're late. Oh - and don't speak of the ghost in front of him. He is a rational man, or so he says. Talk of ghosts and such throws him into a pet.

(Chime of clock. Eating from plates.)
THE DOCTOR: Yes well, I have made a particular study of such things, both from the viewpoint of a historian, and as a student of natural philosophy.
PAOLO: Come now, Doctor. One can hardly find an equivalence between the watching of birds and the hunting of ghosts. Such things are surely the stuff of the romantic rubbish with which foolish young women like to freeze their young blood.
(Trickling of stones.)
PAOLO: Merciful Heavens!
THE DOCTOR: Quick - all of you, get under the gallery.
(Falling stones.)
THE DOCTOR: Stones falling from the ceiling. Must have been a poltergeist.
LOUISA: Oh joy! It's the ghost.
SARAH JANE SMITH: I can't see where they're coming from ... Oh ... Doctor, look out!
(Large stone falling. SARAH JANE SMITH gasp.)
LOUISA: Sarah!
THE DOCTOR: She's been hit. Sarah! Sarah, Sarah, answer me.
LOUISA: She's dead! She's been killed by the ghost!

(Closing Doctor Who theme music composed by Peter Howell.)
ANNOUNCER: The Ghosts of N Space was written by Barry Letts and starred Jon Pertwee as the Doctor, with Elisabeth Sladen as Sarah Jane Smith, Nicholas Courtney as the Brigadier, Richard Pearce as Jeremy, Stephen Thorne as Max, Sandra Dickinson as Maggie, Harry Towb as Mario, and Deborah Berlin as Louisa. Other parts were played by Paul Brooke, Jillie Meers, Gavin Muir, Joanne Sergeant, David Holt and Peter Yapp. Incidental Music was by Peter Howell of the BBC Radiophonic Workshop, and Technical Presentation was by John Whitehall, Alison Carter and Colin Guthrie. The Producer was Phil Clarke.

[Note: In the original book version, Barone Paolo Verconti is the full name of the Barone. According to the CD and original Radio Times cast lists, Barone and Paolo are two different characters played by two different actors. We assume Paolo is the modern version and Barone is the 1492 one.]

SATURDAY 3 FEBRUARY 1996
BBC RADIO 2

(Opening Doctor Who theme music composed by Peter Howell.)
ANNOUNCER: Doctor Who And The Ghosts Of N Space. Starring Jon Pertwee as The Doctor, Elisabeth Sladen as Sarah Jane Smith, and Nicholas Courtney as The Brigadier. Episode Three.

THE DOCTOR: Ah. You're awake. Thank you for saving my life, Sarah Jane Smith.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Tit for tat. Where ... where's this?
THE DOCTOR: Er, you're in Louisa's bed.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh ... ow!
THE DOCTOR: No, no - no, no - no, no, don't try to get up.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Ow.
THE DOCTOR: There's nothing broken. But you do have a touch of concussion.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yes, I don't feel so hot, I must admit.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah well, you weren't hit by one of the poltergeist's stones, it was a lump of masonry dislodged from the gallery.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh...
THE DOCTOR: Well, luckily it only caught your shoulder when you pushed me away, but you must have hit your head when you fell. Bound to make you feel a bit tearful.
(SARAH JANE SMITH gasps.)
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I know, I'll, erm ... I'll get them to make you some sort of posset.
SARAH JANE SMITH: I'd rather have a cup of tea.
THE DOCTOR: Right. Well, I'll see what I can do.
(Door closes.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: No, it's not the shock that's making me feel like this. It's the white lady. If Louisa's ghost is the poltergeist ... (Gasps.) What about the white lady?
(Door opens.)
LOUISA: I'll ask Cook to make you some tea. She'll be loath to unlock the caddy, but I'll make her.
SARAH JANE SMITH: It can't be ... it mustn't be!
(SARAH JANE SMITH sobs.)
LOUISA: Oh, Sarah dearest. Whatever is the matter?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh Louisa, be happy. Please be happy.

(Background ticking while eating in an echoed room like a castle.)
PAOLO: Why, to be sure. We have our share of such legends. What old house does not? But I've never done them the honour of giving them any credence. Such things must always be susceptible of a rational explanation.
THE DOCTOR: I think you'll have to admit that you saw for yourself this very evening a phenomenon of nature which would be somewhat difficult to explain away.
PAOLO: Mm. You have me, Doctor. I have thought the tales the servants brought me to be just that - tales. The tittle-tattle of the servants' hall. But after tonight...
(Noise of cutlery on plates.)
PAOLO: Very well. You carry the day. I strike my colours. A glass of wine with you, sir, to celebrate your victory.
(Clink of glasses.)
THE DOCTOR: Ah, upon my soul. A gallant surrender.
(Gulping down of wine.)
PAOLO: It is said that ... that many years ago, my ancestor, the Barone of the time, having lost his heir in the wars, was plagued by the importunacies of a false claimant to the inheritance.

LOUISA: But you see, Sarah dearest, he was not fit to be an heir, for he was a mad Monk. And he was a sorcerer too, and was trying to raise the dead, or Lucifer, or the fiends of hell, or somebody like that.
(Cup put down on saucer.)
LOUISA: But his evil designs were foiled, for a good magician appeared at midnight in a flash of heavenly fire. And, to punish him for his wickedness, walled him up alive.
(SARAH JANE SMITH slight gasp.)
LOUISA: Have you finished, my love?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Mm ... Mm.
LOUISA: Let me take the tray.
(Clink of saucer.)
LOUISA: Is that not the most charmingly horrid story you ever did hear?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yeah, charming. It's just what we saw for ourselves in the sixteenth century. Except that the alchemist didn't get walled up, or any of that stuff. Oh ... I must tell the Doctor ... first thing in the morning.

JEREMY: So I thought, sir, if you wouldn't mind lending me your Uncle's telescope...
(THE BRIGADIER mutters unintelligibly.)
JEREMY: I could sort of go to the top of the gate tower, sort of watch the boat, and...
THE BRIGADIER: Yes...
JEREMY: ... well, you know, try and get a clue or something.
THE BRIGADIER: Good, good ... What, what? Oh forgive me, Jeremy, I'm rather preoccupied at the moment.
JEREMY: So may I?
THE BRIGADIER: May you what?
JEREMY: Borrow it, the spyglass thingy.
THE BRIGADIER: Oh yes, yes, yes, yes - take it, take it.
JEREMY: Thank you, sir.

JEREMY: Yes. I can see right down into the harbour. There's his boat and all. Hey. There's the man himself, the great Max Vilmio in person. I've got my eye on you, matey, so watch it. I say. Just look at the boobs on that tourist he's talking to. I wonder what they're saying?

(Seagull noises in background.)
MAX: I want that castle. I need that castle. If I can get it legitimately, okay. If not...
MAGGIE: So, what is it you want me to do, hon'?
MAX: I want you should use your talents on this Brit, this, er ... Lethbridge Stewart guy. He knows more than he's pretending. Find out...
MAGGIE: Yeah? Find out what?
MAX: Find out if they've seen any ghosts up there.
MAGGIE: Ghosts?
MAX: Yeah, and find out whether they know about the Twenty-First of May.
MAGGIE: Whether they know what about the Twenty-First of May?
MAX: Well, that's what I want you to find out! Now, get goin'!

JEREMY: Here she comes round the orange grove, and strickley arch, and ... oh, fish hooks. The brim of her hat gets in the way. I can't see a thing. Still, she's probably uphill.

(3 knocks. Door unlocked and opened.)
THE BRIGADIER: Good morning.
MAGGIE: Hi there. I'm on vacation, and visiting your little old island, and I wondered if I could ... have a look around your historical home?
THE BRIGADIER: I have to refuse, I'm afraid, Madam. The Barone has made it an absolute rule that no tourists should be allowed inside.
MAGGIE: Oh, I'm sorry. Of course I understand. And I think it's just dandy that you should follow your boss's wishes. There's nothing like an English butler, that's for sure. (Giggle.)
THE BRIGADIER: Ah ... Yes. As a matter of fact, I'm not actually the, er...
MARIO: Ah, Alistair! What do you think of? Ask the signorina in. And where is Umberto the lazy bone?
THE BRIGADIER: Er, in the circumstances, Uncle, I thought it better if I opened the...
MARIO: Ah! You Yankee Doodle, sí?
MAGGIE: Sí. I mean, yeah.
MARIO: Oh, come in, come in.
MAGGIE: Oh. It's very kind of you, Signore.
MARIO: Ah! I'd be hopping cross with young Alistair if he closes the door in your face. Slam, bang, thank you, Ma'am. Oh! No good, huh?
MAGGIE: Well, that depends on your mood, I'd say.
(Walking off.)

JEREMY: Oh, Lor'! They haven't got back yet. Not my fault I lost them. And she might have been scattering clues like confetti.
MARIO: The Vercontis...
(JEREMY gasps.)
MARIO: ...living estada for a thousand years.
JEREMY: They're coming. Better hide.
MAGGIE: You've been really, really kind, Mr Verconti, and I mean that sincerely, telling me about the ghosts and all.
MARIO: You come and a-visit me again, sí?
MAGGIE: Yeah, sure, I'd like that.
MARIO: Aha!
MAGGIE: Only ... it'd have to be tomorrow because my vacation is up on the twenty-second.
MARIO: Ah.
MAGGIE: Or is it ... the twenty-first ... a bad day for you? May the Twenty-First?
JEREMY: The twenty-first again. Vilmio said something about the twenty-first. And why should she want to come back?
(Door unlocked.)
MARIO: Ah. Such a bella ragazza is honour to my house at any time, Miss Pulaski. I - I show you painted ceiling in my bedroom, huh? Giorgi in Paris? Oh. All starker, bum-naked.
(MAGGIE chuckles.)
THE BRIGADIER: Uncle!
MARIO: Uh?
MAGGIE: I'd like that, Mr Verconti. Stay cool, Alistair. Have a nice day now.
(Door closed.)
THE BRIGADIER: Uncle, if you want me to help you, you really must be more discreet.
MARIO: Mm?
THE BRIGADIER: I mean, I don't want you to think I'm a prig, but the way you've been...
MARIO: Who? I don't a-know a prig. I know Giorgi...
(Their voices die away and JEREMY speaks over them.)
JEREMY: If you ask me, she wasn't a tourist at all.
(A door closes.)
JEREMY: If I can find out what the twenty-first is all about ... (Sniffs.) Only one way to do that .

(Water and people's voices.)
JEREMY: Yes. There she is, and she's going on board the boat. Excuse me. Sorry. I just want ... There doesn't seem to be anyone else about, so if I get on board I might be able to hear her tell Vilmio about the twenty-first ... or whatever.
(No longer the sound of people, just a faint chugging sound.)
JEREMY: Oh. What a lot of drawers. All different cabins and saloons and stuff, I suppose. No sign of Miss Perwhatski.
MAX: And the twenty-first?
MAGGIE: I don't know, Sugar, they didn't say nothin'...
JEREMY: Hang on there. Isn't that her voice?
MAGGIE: ...I asked them but they didn't say.
MAX: They didn't say?
(A bell rings.)
MAGGIE: I did ask, I'm sorry.
JEREMY: Oh Lor'! I can't go back or they'll catch me.
(The ringing stops.)
JEREMY: Ah. A broom cupboard. Just the ticket.
(Door closes. Whining of engine.)
JEREMY: Oh no. They're leaving! The boat's going to sea!

LOUISA: Thank you Marcella.
MARCELLA: Prego, Signorina.
LOUISA: Did you enjoy your breakfast, Sarah?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yes, thank you.
(Door closes.)
LOUISA: Thank the Heaven she has gone. Oh Sarah, I am so pleased that the Doctor has said you must stay in bed this morning, for now I have the chance to discover to you some of my secrets.
SARAH JANE SMITH: I can't wait.
LOUISA: I know more about the evil Monk and his dread deeds than you might imagine. But first, it is of the utmost importance that you should peruse Mrs Ratcliffe's latest work. Here it is.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh - Thank you.
LOUISA: In the meantime, I shall take a turn in the garden.
(Door opens.)
LOUISA: And when I return, you will comprehend my purpose, I promise you.
(The door closes.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: The Mystery of the Castello. Well, well, well. And I'd guess it's the very same copy Jeremy found in the library, but it's brand new now. Oh well. Here goes.
(Turning page.)

JEREMY: Can't stay in here. If I was sick ... Oh. Now, where's the handle.
(Hand feeling for a door.)
JEREMY: I wish there was a light, there doesn't seem to be ... Oh no. Of course there isn't a handle inside. It's a cupboard!
(Banging on door.)
JEREMY: It's locked itself. Oh, the air's giving out ... Help. Help. (Scream:) Help!

(Door opened.)
LOUISA: Well?
SARAH JANE SMITH: I've been skipping through it, and ... well yes, it's quite extraordinary. It seems to be the very story you were telling me last night.
LOUISA: Of course it is. And do you not see? It is all true. How Mrs Ratcliffe knows it all, I cannot divine. Unless she found some ancient text. But mark this. In the third volume, when the foul Monk is walled up, an ironbound chest full of gold coins is placed there with him, and ... Oh Sarah! It must be there to this very day!
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, it's just a story.
LOUISA: No, no, no! And I can prove it to be true. Look on page two hundred and thirty-five.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Erm...
(Pages turned.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Got it.
LOUISA: It speaks of a parchment with a magic spell written upon it, does it not?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Er, yes...
LOUISA: Behold! The very parchment. I found it in an old volume in the library. To be sure, I cannot construe it as a magic spell, for I know no Latin ... apart from mensa, and there's not a table to be seen.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Well, let's have a look.
(Rustling of paper.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh! Oh no, I'm afraid you're wrong. It's just a bit of an old cookery book.
LOUISA: Oh.

THE DOCTOR: Well, you're quite right. Look. It - it's the same fragment of parchment that you found before. Only there's more of it.
SARAH JANE SMITH: And that recipe's not for shepherd's pie, is it? One of the ingredients is mercury.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, well-spotted. It's almost certainly part of the document the alchemist was reading from.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Are you going to keep it? Only ... Well, I think Louisa might miss it.
THE DOCTOR: No, no. It - it'd better go back in the drawer.
(Drawer closed.)
THE DOCTOR: Where is she, anyway?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Gone for a turn round the garden. That's the third this morning.
THE DOCTOR: Oh yes. There she is. Ah!
SARAH JANE SMITH: Mm?
THE DOCTOR: Oh well, there's one mystery solved, at any rate.
SARAH JANE SMITH: What?
THE DOCTOR: Well, you see the young man with the spade going behind the hedge?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yes.
THE DOCTOR: Well, that's the very hedge that your new friend disappeared behind a moment ago.
SARAH JANE SMITH: (gentle laugh:) Surprise, surprise.

(Door opened.)
LOUISA: Oh. You're dressed.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yes. The Doctor said I could get up.
LOUISA: Well, when you've got your shoes on we'll go out. Oh Sarah, it's such a day. With the sunlight sparkling on the sea, and the sails of the boats looking like sea birds' wings and...
SARAH JANE SMITH: Who is he?
LOUISA: Your pardon?
SARAH JANE SMITH: I said who is he.
LOUISA: Oh. How did you know?
(SARAH JANE SMITH gentle laugh.)
LOUISA: Oh, please. Please, dearest Sarah Jane, do not tell. Oh, I implore you to keep my secret clasped to your heart.
SARAH JANE SMITH: I won't tell, I promise.
LOUISA: Oh, thank you, thank you.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Who is he? The gardener's boy?
LOUISA: Why, yes. Though I am persuaded that he is in truth, Powly's long-lost heir.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Really? And is the Barone aware that he's lost his heir?
LOUISA: I know not. But he is not married. He has no son, there is no nephew, married niece or cousin to carry on the line. The chief of all this must be that he needs an heir. He is an old man of forty, and one only has to perceive that noble brow, that true patrician nose, that upright...
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yes, yes, I'm sure he's very pretty...
LOUISA: Sarah!
(SARAH JANE SMITH chuckles. LOUISA laughs.)
LOUISA: Come. I will show you the last of my secrets.

THE BRIGADIER: But Uncle, we need to get reinforcements from the village.
MARIO: No, no, no, no, my people, when the little fiends come out-a to play, they run away like Georgie the Porgie. Good night sweethearts. Ah, good riddance.
THE BRIGADIER: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not prepared to take the responsibility of keeping you safe unless we get some help.
MARIO: Ah.
THE BRIGADIER: Now, this man Vilmio. He can turn up on the doorstep with a gun.
MARIO: I've got a gun. It's up in gallery.
(Walking up stairs.)
THE BRIGADIER: Now Uncle, be careful. Those stairs are very steep.
MARIO: Ah, sí. I think they're more steep than eighty years ago. Aha. Ecco. Behold my-a gun.
THE BRIGADIER: Good grief. It's a blunderbuss.
MARIO: It's-a right. It belonged to my grandfather's grandfather. Is a good gun.
(Gun cocked, gun blast. THE BRIGADIER gasps, MARIO cry.)
THE BRIGADIER: Uncle, are you all right?
MARIO: Oh yes, sí, - sí, sí. Sorry, I ... I forgot is a-loaded in war, in case the dusky soldiers a-come, eh? Thirty years is loaded. Is a good gun, I tell you straight.
THE BRIGADIER: Well, that settles it. You're coming down to the village, and no more arguments.
MARIO: Okay, okay. But you see. Nobody come.

(Outside. Waves sound in distance.)
LOUISA: There.
SARAH JANE SMITH: What about it? I mean, that's just used as a garden shed these days, isn't it? Well, it is a garden shed.
LOUISA: Behind the wall of that ancient structure, we shall discover the secrets of the ages. That is where it lies. The treasure of the castello. Along with the mouldering bones of the evil monk.
SARAH JANE SMITH: I should think they've stopped mouldering by now.
LOUISA: And Powly will be so pleased to have the treasure that he'll consent to our betrothal and recognise him as his heir and all...
SARAH JANE SMITH: And just who's going to do all this discovering? As if I didn't know.
LOUISA: Why, Giuseppe and myself, of course. As the clock strikes twelve. Just as it happened in the book.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Giuseppe? His name's Giuseppe? Oh, Louisa.

SARAH JANE SMITH: Doctor? Doctor!
THE DOCTOR: I'm up here in the gallery, doing a spot of forensic. What's up?
SARAH JANE SMITH: It's Louisa. We've been out in the garden, and she's wearing a spotted white dress and gardener's boy's name...
THE DOCTOR: Yes, yes, all right, all right, hang on, I'll come down.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Look out, Doctor!
(THE DOCTOR cry, SARAH JANE SMITH gasps, tumbling down steps.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Doctor. Are you all right?
THE DOCTOR: Well, I shouldn't be if I hadn't learned the Maldravian roll a couple of hundred years back. Oh! I was pushed down those stairs.
SARAH JANE SMITH: You were?
THE DOCTOR: Don't waste your time. He's well away by now. We haven't a hope of finding out who it was.
SARAH JANE SMITH: I know who it was. It was the monk person Jeremy said that Max Vilmio had sent to kill you. No, how could he be here? How could he have...?
THE DOCTOR: What did you say his name was?
SARAH JANE SMITH: What, Vilmio, you mean?
THE DOCTOR: Did you call him Max Vilmio?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yes, that's his name, apparently. Max.
THE DOCTOR: Of course. How stupid of me. How obtuse of me. It all fits.
SARAH JANE SMITH: What fits?
THE DOCTOR: Well, don't you remember, when we were in the Sixteenth Century? What did the lady of the house say was the name of the sorcerer?
SARAH JANE SMITH: I don't think she ... No. Wait a minute. She said something about him having the same name as the Emperor, didn't she?
THE DOCTOR: Indeed she did. Well, do you know who was the only Emperor about at that time? Maximilian the First of the Holy Roman Empire, that's who. The alchemist's name is Maximilian. Max. In the end he must have managed to make a proper elixir of life.
SARAH JANE SMITH: And when he saw you with the Brig he recognised you, and sent the monk to knock you off, right?
THE DOCTOR: Right. Come along, then.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh - where are we going?
THE DOCTOR: Where we should have gone in the first place - to the Sixteenth Century.
SARAH JANE SMITH: No. No, we can't leave now. I've found out something quite appalling.
THE DOCTOR: Oh? What?
SARAH JANE SMITH: That's what I've been trying to tell you. It's Louisa. She's the white lady.
THE DOCTOR: Is that all? I came to that conclusion some time ago.
SARAH JANE SMITH: But don't you see? We can't go. Louisa's going to die.
THE DOCTOR: Well, of course she is. Aren't you?

(Quiet boat engine in background.)
MAX: What are you doing here, kid?
JEREMY: Oh, I just thought your boat looked a super sort of boat, so ... I thought I'd have a look around.
MAGGIE: He's lying. He was at the castle hiding behind a pillar.
MAX: Is that so? Tie him to the chair.
(JEREMY gasps.)
Man: Yes, boss.
(As struggling:)
JEREMY: Hey, what do you think you're doing? You've got no right ... Ah! That's too tight!
MAX: Okay now. You're a very lucky person, you know that? You can help me, see? I want to know all about this Doctor character, you got it?
JEREMY: My name's Jeremy Fitzoliver and that's all I'm going to say.
MAX: You've been watching too many old movies. I'll ask you again. Who is this Doctor?
JEREMY: Fair dos, Mr Vilmio, you wouldn't expect James Bond to...
(Sudden slap, JEREMY cry.)
MAGGIE: Oh, Maxie, he's only a kid.
MAX: And you can button your lip, or I'll use the other hand. Okay now. Where's this Doctor come from?
JEREMY: I don't know.
(Another strike, JEREMY cry out.)
MAGGIE: Jeez!

(TARDIS materialisation.)
THE DOCTOR: Yeah well, we'll drop in on Lethbridge Stewart on the way. He needs to know what he's up against.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Well, on the way from the Eighteenth Century to the Sixteenth, we drop in on the Twentieth.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, why not?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, why not indeed. Silly me.
THE DOCTOR: You know, it's quite clear that the poltergeist incident was deliberate too.
SARAH JANE SMITH: What? Do you mean that the monk chap was responsible for all those stones?
THE DOCTOR: Well - no, no, no, no. Ordinary ghosts don't have any preternatural powers, beyond their ability to be solid or solid at will. No, no. He used the poltergeist shower of apports to disguise the fact that he pushed that stone from the gallery.
(Moving metal objects.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: What's that?
THE DOCTOR: Well, don't you recognise it?
SARAH JANE SMITH: No. Should I? It's a sort of gun, isn't it?
THE DOCTOR: Well, four out of ten for trying.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh.
THE DOCTOR: No, the poltergeist is really a low-grade N-Form. As I told you, the N-Forms desperately crave personality. So if one can manage to get through into our world it looks for somebody with similar tendencies to its own particular complex of negative emotions, and tries to set up a merger, so to speak. Eating is a poor second-best.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Possession.
THE DOCTOR: A misnomer. I said a merger, Sarah, not a take-over. A strong negative personality is made all the stronger, in control of all the powers of the N-Forms, which can be quite considerable. After all, when you think what a simple poltergeist can do when it's merged with a naughty child on the verge of adulthood...
SARAH JANE SMITH: You mean Louisa was possessed by a fiend?
THE DOCTOR: Sarah, why will you use such emotive words?

(JEREMY gasping for breath.)
JEREMY: I'll tell you anything. Please ... don't hit me again.
MAX: I'll give you one more chance, you little bastard. Who is this Doctor and where does he come from?
JEREMY: I tell you, I've no idea. He - he's just a sort of scientist chap, that's all.
MAX: I know what's not all he is and so do you. He knows about the Twenty-First, and the Flight of the Dragon, doesn't he?
JEREMY: I don't know what you're talking about. No ... no, don't - don't...
(MAX growls, thump, JEREMY cry, chair falling over, JEREMY gasping. MAGGIE shocked gasp.)
MAX: You got something to say?
MAGGIE: He smashed the chair, honey. A couple of grand those chairs cost.
MAX: Tell the skipper we'll spend the night in Maggiore and sail back in the morning. Enough's enough. I have to take that castle by tomorrow midnight.
Man: And ... what about the kid?
(Whirring. JEREMY cry.)
MAGGIE: Maxie, no.
(Whirring dies down.)
MAX: No. No, wait until we're halfway across ... and dump him.

ROBERTO: (singing:) ...ready now, go cat go, but don't you, step on my blue suede shoes...
THE BRIGADIER: Uncle Mario, will you please stop saying "I told you so."
ROBERTO: (singing:) You can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes...
THE BRIGADIER: Please try to keep up.
MARIO: Ah. You have a fine army now, Signor Duke-a York-a, what you march to top of hill, Elvis come again who's really Roberto, and a greedy old Sergio who will eat all of the food of the ten-a thousand men you haven't got.
THE BRIGADIER: Yes, thank you Uncle, you're being a great help.
ROBERTO: (singing:) You can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes...
THE BRIGADIER: Now, listen to me, all of ... er, that is to say, both of you. Now that we've arrived at the house, er...
ROBERTO: (singing:) You can burn my house, steal my car...
THE BRIGADIER: Look do you mind?
(Silence.)
THE BRIGADIER: Thank you. Now, to start with, please follow me up to the Great Hall and we'll discuss the allocation of duties, right?
SERGIO: Sí, signor.
ROBERTO: Yeah, right on, man.
THE BRIGADIER: Right, gather round. Now, the problem as I see it...
(Tearing, growling.)
THE BRIGADIER: Great Heavens. It's another fiend.
(Growling.)
THE BRIGADIER: Keep quite still, all of you.
SERGIO: Please, please...
THE BRIGADIER: Sergio, come back.
MARIO: Hey. Hey, hey! They are kissing.
THE BRIGADIER: No they're not. It's eating him.
(Stun gun blast. Fiend roars.)
THE DOCTOR: As I predicted, Lethbridge Stewart, the cracks are extending. The catastrophe could happen at any time.
THE BRIGADIER: I'm certainly glad to see you, Doctor, Sarah. What was that you chased him away with?
THE DOCTOR: Well, don't you recognise it?
THE BRIGADIER: Yes. One of the small stun guns from Parakon.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Of course.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, I nicked it when Onya wasn't looking.
MARIO: Ah.
THE DOCTOR: I've modified the phasing of the resonance frequency so that it's effective against N-Forms as well as living beings. It'll only give a nasty jolt to a fiend, I'm afraid, but ... it'll literally blow a ghost away.
THE BRIGADIER: How can you kill a ghost, for Pete's sake?
THE DOCTOR: I said literally, Brigadier. And you'll need it, believe me. This monk of Vilmio's could come through a wall and then open the door to him.
THE BRIGADIER: What?
THE DOCTOR: That's why we've come back. To warn you that you are an even greater threat than you may think. Now, listen carefully.

(TARDIS dematerialisation. Inside TARDIS control room.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Well, what do you think? From your pictures, the hair's about right. I was able to cut off Louisa's curls, thank goodness.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I must say a very handsome page boy.
(SARAH JANE SMITH laughs.)
THE DOCTOR: What? What is it?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Honestly Doctor, you look like Santa Claus.
THE DOCTOR: Nonsense.
(SARAH JANE SMITH laugh.)
THE DOCTOR: Apart from the moustache, I've modelled myself on the famous self-portrait of me old friend Leonardo.
(SARAH JANE SMITH chuckle.)
THE DOCTOR: Who is an exact contemporary.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Then your old friend Leonardo looked like Santa Claus too. Have another look in the mirror.
(SARAH JANE SMITH laugh.)
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, well ... yeah, perhaps you're right. Yeah, I'll trim it back a bit. Just as long as Maximilian doesn't recognise us as the ghosts in his workshop, that's the main thing.

(Door opened.)
MAGGIE: Jeremy?
(JEREMY mumbles with alarm.)
MAGGIE: Shh, shh! It's me, Maggie. Hold onto your socks.
(Rip of mouth gag, JEREMY gasps.)
MAGGIE: Shh!
JEREMY: They tied me up.
MAGGIE: Okay, okay, give me a chance. Lean forward a bit.
JEREMY: What time is it?
MAGGIE: Two o'clock in the morning. They're all asleep.
JEREMY: I say, this is awfully nice of you.
MAGGIE: Shut up, will you, if they hear us we're dead meat. Come on.
JEREMY: Where are we going?

BARONE: You are indeed welcome, Doctor. Our people will rejoice in the presence of a seeker of wisdom such as yourself.
THE DOCTOR: You are most gracious, Lord.
BARONE: I trust that you are not too fatigued to join me at dinner? I shall send somebody to take you to your room.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Psst! Hey, what about me? Where do I sleep?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, it's the custom for the servant to sleep lying across the threshold of his master's door.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh. Well, thank you very much.
(Bell chimes.)
MAN: This way, Signore.
THE DOCTOR: Come along, Jack. We mustn't be late for dinner.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Dinner at midday now, is it? I wish they'd make up their minds.

(Laughter at banquet with lute-playing.)
BARONE: Boy! Can you not see that your master's cup is empty? More wine there.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yeah ... Yes, my Lord.
(Clink of glass.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Your pardon, master.
THE DOCTOR: Thank you, Jack. Thank you. Most kind of you, my Lord, to receive me into your house and allow me to see your library.
BARONESSA: We are honoured to receive such a scholar as our guest, Doctor.
BARONE: I trust that you will find what you are seeking. We have some fine books, though few of them are printed. A number come from Spain, where I spent my youth.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, it's the esoteric knowledge of the Arab world that I seek. The text of the ancient ritual of the marriage of Sol and Luna has so far eluded me.
SARAH JANE SMITH: That's alchemy stuff. What's he think he's doing? Oh! Oh, he's certainly woken up Maximilian.
MAX: You pursue the Great Work, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Well alas, only as a scholar and a seeker of truth, Signore.
MAX: Ah.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, for my part, I hope to find my way to the world behind the mortal world of appearances. Where, as the sage puts it, certain fugitive spirits in the shape of divers monsters, beasts and men move like the clouds hither and thither.
SARAH JANE SMITH: He's talking about the fiends and the ghost. Maximilian's bound to suss him out.
MAX: Where do you come from, Doctor? Why do you come here, here to this little island, today of all days?
THE DOCTOR: Jack? Be so good as to pass this to Signor Maximilian.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yes, Doctor. Oh! It's the parchment. Now we're really for it.
MAX: What ... Where did you get this?
Man: My Lord. My Lord!
BARONE: Silence. Silence. What is it? Who's that?
(Walking forward.)
BARONESSA: Guido?
GUIDO: Yes. It's Guido.
(Gasp of BARONESSA, swoon, gasps.)
BARONE: Look to the lady.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Madam, are you all right?
BARONESSA: My son. My son!
GUIDO: Mother.
BARONESSA: Is it really you?
GUIDO: Yes Mother. I've come home.
BARONESSA: Oh ... Guido.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Guido. The son who was killed in the wars.
BARONE: My boy.
GUIDO: Father.
BARONE: Behold my son who was dead, and is alive again, who was lost and is found.
(Laughter and applause.)
MAX: Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Signor Maximilian?
MAX: I don't know who you are or where you come from, but I tell you this. You come too late. Nobody shall stop me now. Before this night is out I shall have at my command all the powers of Hell.

(Closing Doctor Who theme music composed by Peter Howell.)
ANNOUNCER: The Ghosts Of N Space was written by Barry Letts and starred Jon Pertwee as the Doctor, with Elisabeth Sladen as Sarah Jane Smith, Nicholas Courtney as The Brigadier, Richard Pearce as Jeremy, Stephen Thorne as Max, Sandra Dickinson as Maggie, and Harry Towb as Mario. Other parts were played by Jonathan Keeble, Jim Sweeney, Gavin Muir and David Holt. Incidental Music was by Peter Howell of the BBC Radiophonic Workshop, and Technical Presentation was by John Whitehall, Alison Carter and Colin Guthrie. The Producer was Phil Clarke.
[NOTE: Not credited: Deborah Berlin as Louisa. "Paolo" is the modern Barone and "Barone" is the one from 16th Century.]

SATURDAY 10 FEBRUARY 1996
 BBC RADIO 2

(Opening Doctor Who theme music composed by Peter Howell.)
ANNOUNCER: Doctor Who And The Ghosts Of N Space. Starring Jon Pertwee as The Doctor, Elisabeth Sladen as Sarah Jane Smith, and Nicholas Courtney as The Brigadier. Episode Four.

(Water being moved.)
JEREMY: Ah, we ought to have checked that we'd got enough petrol before we started.
MAGGIE: And then what? I didn't see no gas station.
JEREMY: Oh, don't stop paddling. It makes us go round in a circle if there's only one doing it.
(Paddle thrown onto boat.)
MAGGIE: What's the good of kidding ourselves? It's starting to get light. Max'll catch us up and that means curtains for both of us.
(MAGGIE sobs.)
JEREMY: Don't cry. I'll think of something, I ... I mean, there must be something we can do. Oh, I know.
(Rummaging.)
MAGGIE: What are you looking for?
JEREMY: In films, they always send up rockets and flares and things. I thought that...
(More things moved aside.)
JEREMY: No. There's nothing here.
MAGGIE: I'm cold.
JEREMY: Here. Put my jacket round your shoulders.
MAGGIE: You're a good kid.
JEREMY: Why did you help me?
MAGGIE: 'Cause I'm dumb, I guess.
JEREMY: Oh!
MAGGIE: No, it was seeing Max knocking hell out of you. Just like my Dad with the kids after Mom died. In the end he pulled a knife on little Tommy. I tried to stop him, and ... he went out the window.
JEREMY: You mean ... pushed him out?
MAGGIE: You tell me. He got a quarter whiskey in his gut, so maybe he, er...
JEREMY: Hey! Get up!
MAGGIE: What?
JEREMY: That box thing you're sitting on. That's where it'll be. Oh, careful.
(Moving box.)
JEREMY: Bingo. Look. A pistol thingy and all the flares and stuff, and how to work it.
MAGGIE: You know what? You're a real smart cookie.
(Kiss. MAGGIE chuckle.)
JEREMY: I say. Watch it. You'll have us over.

SARAH JANE SMITH: Doctor, what are they doing? The window's too high. I can't see.
(Voices in another room.)
THE DOCTOR: Yeah well, it's just as I hoped. He's led me straight to where he's hidden the original of that document you found.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh...
THE DOCTOR: Shh, get back, get back, they're coming out.
(Door opens.)
MAX: Fetch me a pen, and some ink. Bring them to the library.
NICO: Yes, Master. At once.
THE DOCTOR: Wait. Wait until they're through the arch. Yeah, couldn't be better. You can keep watch while I go and take a look.
(Electronic whirr.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: What is that thing you're adjusting?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, it's my sonic screwdriver. Very useful for opening locks. Amongst other things. Yeah, that should do it.
(Electronic whirr.)
THE DOCTOR: Right, got it.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh - hang on. If I do see them coming back, how do I warn you, if I'm right over there by the arch?
THE DOCTOR: How good's your barking?
(Door closed.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Hey, look out. (Gasp.) There's somebody coming out through the next door.
(GUIDO singing.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: It's Guido. And he's making for the arch. Now what? Oh he lives in a garden, the other side of the middle wall.
GUIDO (singing:) Oh girl I hope that our hearts at rest...
SARAH JANE SMITH: If I stay in the shadow of this arch he shouldn't see me, and I can still keep watch on the other door.
GUIDO: (singing:) ... will wrap around in some linen strong, and think of her, now she's dead and gone. (Talking:) Well, young man. Do you think well of your minstrel?
SARAH JANE SMITH: It's a beautiful song. Oh, why are you so sad?
GUIDO: I remember once when I was not yet breeched, I stole a sweetmeat, my favourite, from my mother's bedside. But when I tasted my prize, it turned to ashes on my tongue. I have dreamed these ten years and more of my return yet now that I am here, I ... How can I tell my mother and my father that I have come to steal their love with lies?
SARAH JANE SMITH: (gasp:) You mean, you're not really Guido at all?
GUIDO: Oh, I'm their son, if ever they had a son. But not the Guido the gallant knight who left them an age ago to fight the infidel in Spain. My company all gave their lives, you see, in the taking of Grenada, but I had left them long before.
SARAH JANE SMITH: You didn't fight at all?
GUIDO: Why should I kill for a country that holds my Sicily in chains? My father holds his lands in fee from Aragon, yet his father's fathers were free men all.
SARAH JANE SMITH: So you became a minstrel instead?
GUIDO: Aye. And to my father, if not my mother, that must be the action of a traitor. A traitor and a coward. And who's to say he's not right?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, but surely ... Oh, let's face it, they're over the moon to have you back. I mean, they're so pleased that they wouldn't mind if you'd been a ... beggar or a horse-thief, anything.
GUIDO: My father prizes his honour beyond rubies. He'd hound me from his gates like the vagabond I've become.
SARAH JANE SMITH: And wouldn't even that be better? Could you live a lie, well, be a lie, for the rest of your life?
GUIDO: (sigh.) What's your name, lad?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Jack. Jack Smith from England.
GUIDO: An honest name. A name to bear with pride. You are young still, Jack.
SARAH JANE SMITH: I'm not as young as I look. Oh, go on. You tell them.
GUIDO: (off:) It was a foolish dream.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Tell them.
THE DOCTOR: Woof, woof!
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh. Yes, all clear, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Right. I've found out all I need to know, thank you very much. Now, let's get out of here.

(ROBERTO singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight" in the background.)
MAGGIE: You mean, I've been shacking up with a guy old enough to be my great great grandfather? That's sick.
THE BRIGADIER: Older I'm afraid, Miss Pulaski.
MAGGIE: Maggie to you, Alistair. And you're not the butler and Nico's a spook. Now I've heard it all.
THE BRIGADIER: Yeah. Right. Could you gather round, please?
(Singing stops.)
THE BRIGADIER: I think we should have a council of war. Well now, this place was built to withstand a siege, so the only thing we have to worry about in the first place, is Vilmio's getting over the outer wall.
MAGGIE: What about the dead guy's little party trick?
THE BRIGADIER: Ah yes, the joker in the pack, this ... monk chap who can walk through walls. Well, I've got a gun...
MARIO: I got a gun too. Look. Oh. Loaded up again. Boom-boom.
MAGGIE: Jeez, what the heck is that?
THE BRIGADIER: A blunderbuss. Give it to me, please.
MARIO: Shan't.
THE BRIGADIER: I'll take it, thank you, Uncle.
MARIO: No, no - no...
THE BRIGADIER: I shan't ask again. Good. Thank you.
MARIO: Ah! That's not-a-fair!
THE BRIGADIER: Life isn't fair as you'll learn as you get ... Oh.
MARIO: Ah.
THE BRIGADIER: That's to say, may we please get on with the business in hand?
JEREMY: Like the outer wall.
THE BRIGADIER: Precisely. There's only one way in, so, the first thing we have to do is to close the outer door, or gate, or whatever you like to call it.
MARIO: Cannot. Is stuck. Stuck for two, three hundred year. So there!

(Door closed.)
THE DOCTOR: Right, you'd better bolt the door. We mustn't be overheard.
(Door bolted.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: One thing to be said for the Sixteenth Century - at least they can't bug your room.
THE DOCTOR: (laugh:) You'd be surprised. Still, there's no fireplace, no air shafts, no jakes. So it's probably safe.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Jakes?
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, the mediaeval loo. A shaft overhanging the moat or a sewage pit.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh ... Ooh!
THE DOCTOR: Now, I now know exactly what Maximilian is up to. I found the document, and it's what I feared it might be. It's a Latin translation of a Spanish version of an Arabic extract from a Greek alchemist text, taken from an Egyptian esoteric original of immense power.
SARAH JANE SMITH: You missed out the Babylonians.
THE DOCTOR: (laugh:) That's not a joke. They probably had a hand in it too.
SARAH JANE SMITH: So it's the recipe for the elixir of life, is that it?
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, well, in a sense. Everybody knows what the alchemist was searching for was the philosopher's stone, which would turn base metal into gold and produce the elixir of life. Still, that's a vulgar misunderstanding of the true quest. The adept's real goal was the direct apprehension of reality itself. The attainment of spiritual immortality, if you like.
SARAH JANE SMITH: But Maximilian wants - wanted - oh phooey. He wants to live forever on Earth, isn't that right?
THE DOCTOR: Right. But the two things were always linked, and the highest aim can always be corrupted. Well, the marriage of Sol and Luna is the alchemists' code for the combining of the earthly body and the N body. And what result do you think that would have?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Immortality.

THE BRIGADIER: One, two, three, heave!
(Pulling, creak of wood.)
THE BRIGADIER: One, two, three, heave!
(Pulling, creak of wood.)
THE BRIGADIER: All right. Take a breather.
MARIO: I told you so. I-a told you so. The gate is-a stuck.
THE BRIGADIER: We're not through yet, Uncle. Okay everyone, take your position on the rope.
JEREMY: Righto.
THE BRIGADIER: Jeremy, not quite so near Maggie. Give her room to dig her heels in. Get a bit nearer to Roberto. Yeah, that's the ticket. Now, when I drop the weight, take the strain, and ... one, two, three, heave!
(Pulling, creak of wood.)
THE BRIGADIER: One, two, three, heave...

THE DOCTOR: Well, that's what the elixir of life is all about, you see. That's the secret that Max's document contains, and ... that's what he's going to try to achieve at midnight tonight.
SARAH JANE SMITH: But we know already that he succeeds in becoming immortal. That's why we're here.
THE DOCTOR: Ah yeah, but that's not all. Look, why do you think he's going to do it just before midnight, local time? Because that is the moment when there is no today. Only yesterday and tomorrow, when he can break through into N Space in his immortal body and gain control of the evil power of the N forms. Tonight is the night that the ancient astrology of the Egyptians tells Maximilian that he can become master of the world.

THE BRIGADIER: One, two, three, heave!
(Grunting from crowd.)
THE BRIGADIER: All right, take another break.
(Sighing.)
MARIO: Grazie.
JEREMY: Oh look, everyone, there's a dog coming from behind the quay. Here, boy. I didn't know they'd got a ... Hang on. It's got six legs. No, eight. It's a ... Oh look out, it's a fiend!
(Blast. JEREMY screams.)
THE BRIGADIER: Get down!
JEREMY: I've been hit!
(Growling. Stun gun. Whine.)
THE BRIGADIER: Got him.
MARIO: Ah. Good hunting, Alistair. You one-a lousy good shooter.
MAGGIE: Jeremy, are you okay?
JEREMY: It got me in the shoulder.
THE BRIGADIER: Let's have a look. Uh. More like a near miss.
JEREMY: Eh?
THE BRIGADIER: Burnt your shirt a bit. You'll live.
JEREMY: Well, thank you very much, I'll have you know...
ROBERTO: Why, lookee there, General, the gate's a-hangin' loose.
THE BRIGADIER: So it is. One of the creature's bolts of energy must have hit it.
JEREMY: Well, I must say, well done that fiend.
MAGGIE: Yeah.
THE BRIGADIER: Yeah - let's get on with it, shall we?

SARAH JANE SMITH: Yes Doctor, but what are we going to do about it?
THE DOCTOR: Do? Possibly nothing.
SARAH JANE SMITH: What? But we've got to stop him. Haven't we?
THE DOCTOR: Oh my dear Sarah Jane, you're looking at a man who - for want of a better word - was a convicted criminal. I mean, I've been judged guilty by my peers of the unutterable sin of intervention in the affairs of the people of this Universe. One of the worst crimes a time traveller can commit - or so I've always been told.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Changing the course of history, you mean?
THE DOCTOR: Yeah well, that's an expression with no meaning. I admit as a quick way of making a point I've sometimes fallen victim to its seductive charm, but er ... the trouble is, you can rarely predict the consequences of your actions. In trying to avert a disaster you may be the unwitting cause of a far greater one. So the laws of the Time Lords forbid unauthorised interference.
SARAH JANE SMITH: But I've seen you doing it, several times.
THE DOCTOR: Yes well, I must admit, when faced with the choice ... You won't tell them, will you?
SARAH JANE SMITH: (laughs.) Oh Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Time travel isn't as simple as it looks.
(Knocks on wooden door.)
THE DOCTOR: Yes? Who is it?
GUIDO: Doctor. My Lord requests your presence in the Great Hall. At once, if you please.
(Walking off. Door unlocked.)
GUIDO: Thank you. If you'd be so good?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, with pleasure, Sir Knight. But I assure you, a guard with a drawn sword is quite unnecessary.
GUIDO: You too, boy.
THE DOCTOR: Come along, Jack. Let's find out what the good Barone wants us for.

(Muttering crowd in background.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: My God, they all look grim.
THE DOCTOR: May I ask why I've been brought here in this unseemly fashion?
SARAH JANE SMITH: That's my boy. Get in first.
BARONE: Nay Doctor, it is for me to ask why you have come to my house to peddle your iniquity.
THE DOCTOR: Look, I assure you that my...
BARONE: Be silent. You come to the realm of their most Catholic Majesties to attempt to soborn and seduce to your satanic craft one of the most faithful sons of our Holy Mother Church. Your foolishness is as vast as your wickedness, it would seem.
THE DOCTOR: Look, whatever you've been told, my Lord...
BARONE: Did I not see with my own eyes how you sullied the hospitality of my house by passing a secret message to my kinsman under my very nose?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh Lor', he's got that wretched piece of parchment.
THE DOCTOR: Of what do you accuse me, Master Vilmius?
MAX: As you well know Doctor, the base words written there are but a fraction of a spell to raise the spirits of the dead. Necromancy is the work of the Devil...
Man: It is.
MAX: ... And those who practice it the Devil's servants.
(Murmurs of agreement.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: No, you've got it all wrong, it's not the Doctor who...
MAX: Silence, villain!
(SARAH JANE SMITH gasps.)
THE DOCTOR: May I speak, my Lord?
BARONE: Why should I listen to yet more of your lies? It is within my power to have you hanged this very hour. However, to show the people the mercy of their lords. enjoined on them by the word of God himself, I shall grant the lenity your foreign deviltry ill-deserves. Tomorrow you will be taken to Palermo, there to await the question of the Holy Inquisition.
THE DOCTOR: You are most kind.
BARONE: Take him away. Cast him into the deepest dungeon where he cannot practice his evil art, and take his catamite with him.
MAX: Farewell, Doctor.
SARAH JANE SMITH: He's smiling. Maximilian's smiling - ooh! Wait, I'm coming...

(Thrown into room.)
Man: Inside.
THE DOCTOR: Ah. Yeah.
(Constant drip of water inside.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Where - where are you? I ... I can't see a thing.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, well, your ... your eyes will soon get used to it.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, the stink, it's almost as ... Ooh!
THE DOCTOR: What is it?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh. Cobweb on my face. Oh, yuck. There's nowhere to sit. The floor's all wet.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I ... I think there's a ... pile of straw in the corner there.
(Straw moved.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Ah, yuck. That's wet too.
THE DOCTOR: I'm sorry.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Huh.
THE DOCTOR: My strategy was a mistake. It was aimed at flushing him out, making him reveal himself, and it ... it succeeded in producing exactly the opposite effect. Seems our discussion about the rights and wrongs of intervention was a trifle academic. We're effectively barred from any action whatsoever.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Huh.
THE DOCTOR: Well, thank you for not saying "I told you so."
SARAH JANE SMITH: Only because I didn't - you didn't give me a chance. It was the daftest idea ... Oh yes, and another thing.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, what?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Does catamite mean what I think it does?
THE DOCTOR: I'm afraid so.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Huh. Thought it might. Well, I suppose there's a good reason why you're not using your fancy screwdriver contraption to open the door?
THE DOCTOR: There is. It only works on locks. This door is barred and bolted.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Ah.
(Squeak of rat.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh! Oh, so what do we do now?
THE DOCTOR: There's nothing we can do but wait.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh! Where have I heard that before?

THE BRIGADIER: Right, all together, push!
(Grunting, moving of wood. Crash. Collective sigh.)
MARIO: Is-a good.
THE BRIGADIER: Right. Now for the bar. A bit higher. Couple of inches. Come on...
(Grunting, wood moved, sighing.)
THE BRIGADIER: Excellent. Well, that's Phase One. We've got the gate closed and barred, so the next step is the defence of the walls themselves. Now, I know what I'd do. I wouldn't bother with goats and such. I'd bring in a chopper.
MARIO: Ah, ah, sí.
THE BRIGADIER: Let's just hope he doesn't think of it. We'd look a bunch of lemons if he were to use ladders after all.
MAGGIE: We could push him over - ker-plunk.
THE BRIGADIER: Mm. That's what's in my mind. Sideways. As the attacker reaches the top - A, it'll be top-heavy, and B, they won't be able to cover them from the ground in case they hit their own man. Now, the perimeter is diamond-shaped, with a gatehouse and the two towers of the south, east and west corners. This means that we must have somebody ready to defend each of the four walls. Right, Umberto and Maggie to the east, and Roberto and Mario to the west, right?
MAGGIE: What about the tower on the north pointer?
THE BRIGADIER: If there ever was, it's collapsed into the sea with the wall, and the cliff's getting on for five hundred feet high. Nobody's going to start climbing up there.
JEREMY: What about me? What do I do?
THE BRIGADIER: Oh, you'll be with me on the top of the gate tower. Lookout, runner, that sort of thing.
JEREMY: Dogsbody.
THE BRIGADIER: In a word. Now, the main drawback to the plan as far as I can see is this: While I'm at the top of the tower, where I can see what's going on and keep the main body of them at bay, this monk chappie can be floating through the walls anywhere at all to open the gate for them.
MAGGIE: And Max has won.
THE BRIGADIER: Exactly. I really need to be down there in the middle of the bailey - the open yard - to pop the fellow off wherever he turns up, but I can't be in two places at once.
JEREMY: Give me the stun-gun thingy, then, and I'll do it.
THE BRIGADIER: You?
JEREMY: I'll have you know, sir, that I'm a jolly good shot.
THE BRIGADIER: Ah. Been shooting with your Uncle Teddy, I suppose.
JEREMY: No, I was talking about fairground stuff. Last time I went, I won a plaster Venus de Whatnot, a silver jug - though I'd like to bet it wasn't real silver - and a pink teddy-bear.
THE BRIGADIER: Yes ... Anyone else handy with a gun?
MARIO: Si.
THE BRIGADIER: No, not you, Uncle.
MARIO: Ah.
THE BRIGADIER: Anyone?
(Silence.)
THE BRIGADIER: A pink teddy bear, you say?
JEREMY: Yes, sir.
MAGGIE: You'd better make up your mind, Alastair honey, Max doesn't hang about.
THE BRIGADIER: Oh very well. Well, you'd better come with me and I'll show you the best place to stand.
JEREMY: Thank you, sir. Thank you. You won't regret it. You see, I'm not really a wally and a wimp, and a ... whatever. I'm really a sort of James Bond...
(His voice tails off.)

SARAH JANE SMITH: It's like being blind.
THE DOCTOR: Yes well, they ... wouldn't waste the light on the likes of us.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Erm - sorry I was so ratty when they first threw us in here.
THE DOCTOR: Ah, you had every right to be.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Apart from anything else, I'm so hungry. I didn't get any lunch when you did. That was hours and hours ago.
THE DOCTOR: Mm. It's just coming up to eleven o'clock. Listen.
(Clock starts chiming.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Only an hour to go.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah. Yeah, it's remarkable how accurate they keep that clock. They must check it every day against the sun-dial.
SARAH JANE SMITH: How do you know it's accurate? Did you bring a watch with you after all?
THE DOCTOR: If you want to know the time, ask a Time Lord.
SARAH JANE SMITH: How can you make such a terrible joke at a time like this?

GUIDO: (sigh.) Madam, it is with a breaking heart that your penitent son inscribes these words. How can I add another life-time of sorrow to the years of grief you have already endured? And yet to stay would be to live a lie. Nay, to be a lie, like the rogue at a goose fair who plays the part the better to cozen you of your purse. How would such a grievous sin redeem the cruelty of these many years? I have to say farewell once more, and beg the blessing and forgiveness that I so ill-deserve. Your loving son, Guido.
(Paper moved. Sigh.)
GUIDO: I have no choice. I must tell my father the truth and then leave the castle ... forever. But first, I have a debt to pay.

SARAH JANE SMITH: Food. (Laugh.) Food.
THE DOCTOR: Mark you, if the alchemical instructions in that document are correct, he won't have long.
SARAH JANE SMITH: No?
THE DOCTOR: The crack in the barrier, which will allow him to break through into N Space, will start to open shortly before midnight, and seconds into tomorrow, it'll close again. Now, that is perfectly clear. However, I must say that I'm still puzzled by the reference to the dragon.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Under the wing of the dragon. Yes, I remember that.
THE DOCTOR: The dragon in mediaeval alchemy is often confused with the dragon of Christian mythology - the dragon slain by Saint George. But this - this is an Egyptian text. I think it must refer to Orobouros. That's his Greek name, of course.
SARAH JANE SMITH: And who's Orobouros when he's at home?
THE DOCTOR: Another symbol of the unification of opposites. Like the marriage of Sol and Luna. Orobouros is a winged snake, crowned like a King, forever eating his own tail.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Well, lucky old Orobouros. There's someone coming.
THE DOCTOR: Quick, behind the door.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Where? I can't see.
THE DOCTOR: Here. Take my hand. Shh!
(Door creaks open.)
GUIDO: Jack, Doctor? Are you there?

GUIDO: This is my room. You will be safe here until dawn. If you change your appearance, not to appear so well-born, you understand, then you should be able to leave as soon as the main gate is opened. There is always such a coming and a going that another couple of bodies will be neither here nor there.
THE DOCTOR: I thank you, sir.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yes, thank you, Guido.
GUIDO: Nay lad, it is I who should thank you . Perchance we shall meet again one day. I go by the name of Guido il Menestrello. If not, fare thee well.
(Walking off, door opened, closed.)
THE DOCTOR: Now, listen. I must go at once to the Maximilian workshop. I have to find out exactly what happens tonight or I shall be completely at a loss when we get back. And the best thing that you can do...
SARAH JANE SMITH: But we've got a chance of stopping him now.
THE DOCTOR: The best thing that you can do is to change gender again. Guido was right. Find a frock somewhere.
SARAH JANE SMITH: A frock? I'm coming with you .
THE DOCTOR: You certainly are not. It's far too dangerous.
SARAH JANE SMITH: But Doctor...
(Door opened.)
THE DOCTOR: Now, be a good girl. Do as you're told. I'll meet you here after midnight.
(Door closed.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Patronising old beggar. A frock?

(Walking.)
THE DOCTOR: There's the glow of the furnace in the window. Ah. As I suspected. He's mixing the potion again. The elixir of life. But ... but the distillate from the retort isn't a dirty yellow. It's gold. And it seems to be glowing with its own light.
(MAX chanting.)
THE DOCTOR: It looks as if he got it right this time.
(MAX chanting.)
THE DOCTOR: Hmm. He keeps glancing at his hour glass. The sand'll soon run out. Now, if he succeeds in his plan, the power he'll gain from the evil of N Space will be overwhelming.

SARAH JANE SMITH: Of course. Why didn't I think of it before? If Maximilian is relying on the clock striking midnight to give him the right moment, all I've got to do is stop the clock.
(Moving of metal handle.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yes. It must be this way.
BARONE: I shall hear no more. As I owe a duty to my liege lord...
SARAH JANE SMITH: It's Guido and his father.
BARONE: ... you owed a duty to your father.
SARAH JANE SMITH: And the door's open.
GUIDO: My Lord, I owe you my duty under God...
SARAH JANE SMITH: If I can sort of sidle by, on the other side...
GUIDO: I owe none to the tyrants who oppress our country. I know not how to s...
BARONE: Be silent! You tell me that we should own the land in freedom?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Poor Guido. I wonder what did happen...
BARONE: I hold this land in fealty to my lord the King...
SARAH JANE SMITH: ... what does happen, I mean. Oh phooey! This isn't a play, for Pete's sake.
BARONE: I send my knights in love and duty to his Grace whenever he has need of them.
SARAH JANE SMITH: And I've got to stop the clock.
BARONE: And shall my son...
SARAH JANE SMITH: Where's that tower?

MAX: And now the tincture of life, Nicodemus, bring it to me.
NICO: Yes, Master.
(Walking over.)
MAX: Ah. Does it not shine as the kingly Sol himself? And shall it not crown me with its golden light, the Emperor of the World? Now ... now a scruple only and it is done.
(Goblet moving.)
MAX: Nicodemus, the time has come at last. I raise the cup to thee, oh master of the darkness and the light. Hearken to me, Lucifer, as I cry to thee. Eba! Eba! Kapash Calb!
(Ripping sound of barrier opening.)
MAX: See. See! The arc of light upon the wall. Behold the door to my domain, the golden pathway to my kingdom! Lucifer, I drink to thee!
(Door forced open.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh no you don't!
(MAX cry, smash of a glass, struggle.)
MAX: You! I should have had you hanged. Nicodemus, seize him!
(Struggle.)
MAX: It is useless to struggle, Doctor. The power in those arms is no earthly power. You seek to stop me, but you're too late. The ritual is complete. The incorruptible tincture is distilled. Time enough remains to compound the elixir once again before the clock doth strike the hour. Doctor, you have failed!

(Door opened. Loud ticking.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh. It must ... be the same ... as Uncle Hubert's old grandfather clock, only bigger. So, all I have to do, is stop the pendulum. (Gasp.) It's nearly midnight. Now where in ... There's the weight chains going through the floor. Oh no! There's no pendulum. There's a hammer ready to strike the bell. Perhaps, if I ... I shove a pad of cloth in between ... Oh, no, no, no, not even my doublet would be big enough, it's too enormous. That thing - like two cannon balls whirring backwards and forwards ... Oh no. It's the only way. Now ... got it! (Gasps.) Oh no, it's too heavy! (Gasp.) And it's going to strike!
(Whirring.)

MAX: A pinch of Mandragola, thus. Thus. Now, four drops only. There. And now, the tincture of the living gold.
THE DOCTOR: As long as I'm alive, I'll...
(Gasp. Bubbling of liquid.)
MAX: See how it gleams. And thus, and thus. It is done. And before thou diest, thou Doctor shall be the witness of my triumph. Behold. The potion of immortal power.
NICO: Master! The hour glass - the sand has run out!
MAX: What? The clock, why did it not strike?
THE DOCTOR: Midnight has come, and you have lost.
MAX: No! Lucifer, I drink to thee!
(Drinking. Choking.)
MAX: I ... I must ... get ... get through ... the barrier...
THE DOCTOR: You're too late. The arc of light is fading.
MAX: (long cry:) No!
(Thunderclap.)
NICO: Master. Master!
THE DOCTOR: You have no master now, brother friar. The barrier closed as he was passing through it. His body is trapped in the wall.

(Closing Doctor Who theme music composed by Peter Howell.)
ANNOUNCER: The Ghosts Of N Space was written by Barry Letts and starred Jon Pertwee as the Doctor, with Elisabeth Sladen as Sarah Jane Smith, Nicholas Courtney as The Brigadier, Richard Pearce as Jeremy, Stephen Thorne as Max, Sandra Dickinson as Maggie, and Harry Towb as Mario. Other parts were played by Jonathan Keeble, Jim Sweeney, Gavin Muir and David Holt. Incidental Music was by Peter Howell of the BBC Radiophonic Workshop, and Technical Presentation was by John Whitehall, Alison Carter and Colin Guthrie. The Producer was Phil Clarke.

SATURDAY 17 FEBRUARY 1996
BBC RADIO 2

RADIO 2 ANNOUNCER: (Female:) And now Episode Five of Doctor Who And The Ghosts Of N Space. In last week's episode the Doctor foiled Maximilian's goal of immortality, but is that really the last we'll see of him?

(Opening Doctor Who theme music composed by Peter Howell.)
ANNOUNCER: (Male:) Doctor Who And The Ghosts Of N Space. Starring Jon Pertwee as The Doctor, Elisabeth Sladen as Sarah Jane Smith, and Nicholas Courtney as The Brigadier. Episode Five.

(TARDIS dematerialisation sound. Inside console room.)
THE DOCTOR: And the Monk floated through the wall. All that was left of Maximilian was his arm sticking out of the stones. It was twitching slightly, but not for long.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh! Oh, how horrible! So if you hadn't stopped him the first time he tried to drink the potion...
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, and if you hadn't hung onto the bell hammer to stop it falling...
SARAH JANE SMITH: ... We shouldn't have changed the course of history! ... Oh. Sorry. I promise not to grass on you to the Time Lords.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, well, as my partner in crime...
(SARAH JANE SMITH chuckles.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: All the same, things will surely be a bit different when we get back. I mean, if Max is trapped in the wall, all the Brig's troubles will be over. In fact, they'll never have existed.
THE DOCTOR: (laugh:) Yes well, I think a little guarded celebration might be in order, yes?
(SARAH JANE SMITH gentle chuckle.)
THE DOCTOR: Shall I see if I can find a bottle of bubbly?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Or ... I'd rather have some breakfast.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, of course. How thoughtless of me. How about a fried egg sandwich or two, hmm?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Mm.
THE DOCTOR: I've got an odd dozen somewhere, I seem to remember.
SARAH JANE SMITH: If you've no ambrosia on toast, they'd be the next best thing, I suppose. Oh, fried eggs, beau-live!
THE DOCTOR: Yes, here they are.
(SARAH JANE SMITH chuckles gently.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Do you know something, Doctor? I believe you're mentioned in that book of Ann Radcliffe's.
(Noise of food being made.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh? What book?
SARAH JANE SMITH: The one Jeremy found in the library. The Mystery Of The Castello.
THE DOCTOR: Oh?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Louisa said there was a magician, and that could have been you - once you'd given up the Father Christmas at Selfridges bit. Anyway, this good guy turned up in a pumpkin or a flash of lightning or something at the stroke of ... midnight, and...
THE DOCTOR: Go on.
SARAH JANE SMITH: And walled the evil monk up alive.
THE DOCTOR: Why didn't you tell me this before?
SARAH JANE SMITH: It never crossed my mind.
THE DOCTOR: Mm. I see.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Well ... well, it's only a story.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, only a story, yes. But you told me yourself that it appeared to be based on the legend of the castello at San Stefano. And what are legends based on? If I was in the legend all the time, then it appears, we haven't changed the course of history after all ... to use your vulgar phrase. We were already a part of it. And that means we've done nothing to prevent the catastrophe. Nothing to stop Maximilian taking over the world. When we do get back, things won't have changed at all. We're going to find as big a mess as ever.

THE BRIGADIER: Hmm. Wretched fellow's parked his boat out of sight.
MAGGIE: Alistair. He's coming up the hill. I saw them through a gap in the trees. Max and that sucker Nico and a couple of other guys.
THE BRIGADIER: Thank you, Miss Pulaski. I've been expecting it. The phone lines have been cut.
MAGGIE: What's with this "Miss" stuff, Alistair? My name's Maggie.
THE BRIGADIER: Yes, well, I, you see...
MAGGIE: Here they come! Look, round the corner by the orange grove.
THE BRIGADIER: Yes, I see them.
(Shouts.)
THE BRIGADIER: Jeremy?
JEREMY: Hello there!
THE BRIGADIER: Stand by with the stun gun. Anything could happen in the next few minutes. Stand by everybody!
MAGGIE: There's a whole bunch more of them in the woods. What do you know, the little monk's gone scooting off into the trees.
THE BRIGADIER: So the Doctor was right. It looks as if he's intending to outflank us.
MAGGIE: Come again?
THE BRIGADIER: Going round to the side like that. Watch out to the east.
JEREMY: The east? Which is the east?
THE BRIGADIER: To your left, man, to your left! Good grief. He's shot right up into the air. He's not coming through the wall, he's coming over it. Ten o'clock high, Jeremy!
JEREMY: What? I don't know what you're talking about.
THE BRIGADIER: Look, up in the sky.
JEREMY: Oh, Lor'!
THE BRIGADIER: Now, hold your fire until you've got him in your sights. Now!
(Stun gun blasts.)
MAGGIE: Oh, it's stopped him, he's going backwards!
THE BRIGADIER: Good shot, Jeremy.
MAGGIE: Oh yeah, pretty damn good.
JEREMY: Yes, it was rather, wasn't it?
THE BRIGADIER: Look out, he's coming in again.
(Laser blast.)
JEREMY: Got you!
(Laser blast.)
JEREMY: Got you!
(Laser blast.)
JEREMY: Got you!
MAGGIE: Ooh!
THE BRIGADIER: He's blown him right up into the sky. Well done, that man.
JEREMY: Well, I did tell you, didn't I?

(TARDIS console room.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: But won't they ... won't they wonder where ... oh ... where we've been all this time?
THE DOCTOR: Hmm. From the readings I'm getting it looks as if we'll arrive back less that an hour after we left. Louisa probably won't even have missed you.
SARAH JANE SMITH: But why are we going back there at all? You said we've got to help the Brig.
THE DOCTOR: If we went back to the Twentieth Century now, we'd be in a worse position than we were when we started. Look, Max escaped from the wall, that's quite clear, and it must have happened in Louisa's time. Somebody or some thing caused that wall to collapse, and that...
SARAH JANE SMITH: The buried treasure.
THE DOCTOR: What?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Louisa and her boyfriend were going to break into the wall to look for a chest of gold. It was in the Ratcliffe book. And she seemed to think...
THE DOCTOR: Did this just slip your mind too?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Of course not. But she made me promise not to tell anybody.
THE DOCTOR: Well, really. The fate of the world at stake, and because of a foolish schoolgirl code of honour...
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yes, I'm sorry ... Oh, damn, damn, damn. Oh.
THE DOCTOR: You're not very good at doing your hair, are you?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Look, unless I get it sorted, the whole plan will go for a burton. With my hair up I look like a startled hedgehog. You think she won't suss out that we have been up to something?
THE DOCTOR: Mm. Yeah. Yeah well, hang on a minute.
(Walking off.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: I mean, why should I go for a walk in the woods and cut off all my curls? Look, I know I must look like an irresponsible twit, but I ... I really...
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, well ... let's just hope there's no harm done. Ah, here it is. Well, at least we know what we're aiming at this time. I'll have another go at Signor Verconti just to make sure we're on the right track. But the ball is really in your court, Sarah. Here, have a look in there.
SARAH JANE SMITH: "Sarah, Her Hair"? It looks like a theatrical wig box.
THE DOCTOR: Spot on. Now, what you have to do is to find out when she's intending to take this foolhardy action, and persuade her not to.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yes. And maybe prevent her becoming the White Lady.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, maybe.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Good Lord. Fringes, plaits, falls ... Aha, yes. A bunch of curls. Thanks very much.
THE DOCTOR: Right colour?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Mm ... near enough, yes. She'll never guess. Sarah who? Bernhardt?
THE DOCTOR: No. Siddons. Does it matter?

(Battle sounds.)
THE BRIGADIER: What's happening your side, Jeremy?
JEREMY: They're bringing up ladders this side too, one for each wall. Roberto and the Barone are standing by - Oh Lor'!
(Machine gun shots.)
THE BRIGADIER: Keep your head down. I'll see if I can pick off the gunman on this side with a stun gun. Ones I can see, that is.
(Stun gun blasts.)
THE BRIGADIER: Lor'! Two birds with one stone.
MAGGIE: Stay in there, Charley.
(Male cry.)
THE BRIGADIER: Out of the way, Jeremy. Ah. I can see them all inside, two to each wall. Stand clear.
(Stun gun blasts.)
THE BRIGADIER: I can't believe it, I got the lot. There go the ladders.
(Male cry.)
THE BRIGADIER: Hold the fort here, Jeremy.
JEREMY: What?
THE BRIGADIER: Keep a good lookout. I'm going to deal with two firing on Umberto's wall.
(Fight and grunts.)
MAN: Grazie, Signorina, but I ... can manage...
(Two male cries.)
THE BRIGADIER: Get down, both of you!
(Stun gun blasts.)
THE BRIGADIER: Good show, everybody.
(Male shouts.)
THE BRIGADIER: What were you hitting him with?
UMBERTO: A conk.
THE BRIGADIER: Good grief. A rolling pin.
MAGGIE: Hey Alistair, look in the trees.
THE BRIGADIER: Vilmio.
MAGGIE: It sure is. Now's your chance. Get him.
THE BRIGADIER: With pleasure.
JEREMY: Brigadier, behind you!
(Roar of fiend.)
MAGGIE: The Monk!
THE BRIGADIER: He's come over the cliff. Stand back, everyone.
(Stun gun blasts.)
THE BRIGADIER: Too late. He's into the gatehouse. The ladders were just a diversion.
JEREMY: He's unbarring the gate!
(Tearing sound, thunderclaps.)
MAGGIE: Will you look at that!
UMBERTO: Mamma mia!
THE BRIGADIER: Good grief! Must be thirty foot high!
MAGGIE: It's a freaking horse. A horse on fire.
THE BRIGADIER: A horse with teeth like that? Get down!
(Neighing. Scream by NICO.)
MAGGIE: It's got the Monk. It's got Nico, it's chewing him up!
THE BRIGADIER: Maggie, don't watch.
MAGGIE: Serves the little bastard right. Hey, did you see that? Tossed him up in the air, and ... swallowed him down like an oyster.
THE BRIGADIER: Maggie, get out of it, you're in my line of fire.
MAGGIE: Come here, lover.
THE BRIGADIER: For God's sake, it'll eat you too!
MAGGIE: There's my boy. There's my beautiful boy.
THE BRIGADIER: Don't touch it!
(Sudden blast. MAGGIE ecstatic moans.)
UMBERTO: Signore, it's burning her up.
THE BRIGADIER: No. The flames are flowing into her body. The creature itself is turning into fire.
(MAGGIE moans continue, roaring sound as though being sucked inwards, then it stops.)
THE BRIGADIER: It's gone. It's entered her body. Maggie's been possessed by the fiend.

LOUISA: Oh, but I can utterly comprehend how you and your Uncle came to be lost in the woods. They are so pretty at this time of the year. Though I find they make me fearful in the dark. You were lucky to have the Moon to light your way.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yes, yes we were.
LOUISA: Now tell me, Sarah dearest, which of these two caps do you think the more becoming? The lace with the pink ribbon? Or should I be as plain as a Quaker in the linen?
SARAH JANE SMITH: (laugh:) I'm sure your beau won't even notice what you're wearing.
LOUISA: To be sure, I have no notion of what you mean.
(SARAH JANE SMITH laugh.)
LOUISA: Oh Sarah Jane, if you but knew the things he says to me. And when he sings, my heart is singing too. If Powly refuses to grant us his consent, I shall surely die of grief.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, but he's bound to like Giuseppe when he knows that he's found the treasure, and then he'll make him his heir and all ... isn't that the plan?
LOUISA: Mm.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Erm ... when is Giuseppe going to try to find it, then?
LOUISA: Oh, pretty soon, I dare say. Oh, what of this muslin? Does the shape make me look like a dairymaid?
SARAH JANE SMITH: I'm not doing too well so far. Still, the Doctor did say to play it cool. But the best thing I can do is wait until she makes another little trip to the garden to meet her boyfriend, and listen in on their plans.
LOUISA: La! It is so hot. I do believe I shall go outside, to discover if the air is fresher in the garden.
(Rumbles of thunder.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: (to herself:) Bingo! (Calling:) I'll come too.
LOUISA: No. No, no, no.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh.
LOUISA: You must go to bed. It's gone eleven and you must be near to exhaustion. Good night then, dearest Sarah Jane.
(Door opened.)
LOUISA: Sleep well.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, sure, thanks. Er - see you later.
(Door closed.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Now...
(Sound of locking.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh. Hang on!
(Pulling at closed door.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: She's locked it. And there's only one reason why she should. It's tonight it's all going to happen.

PAOLO: Another glass of masala, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, thank you.
(Clink of glass.)
THE DOCTOR: You must forgive my obsession with my chosen subject, Signore.
PAOLO: Nothing to forgive, my good sir. I am the same when talking of my own...
THE DOCTOR: Yes, I'd be right in thinking, would I not, that there is nothing heard of a white lady - a ghost - haunting the environs of the castello?
PAOLO: Quite right.
THE DOCTOR: Or a dragon?
PAOLO: (amused:) My dear Doctor, I think it's well established that dragons died out of this part of the world thousands of years ago, long before this castle was built. For my part, I think it no loss. I am no dragon fancier, sir. Nor no lover of ghosts. Another glass?
THE DOCTOR: No, thank you, no, no.
(Clink of glass and bottle of liquid.)
PAOLO: For my part I declare a devotion to La Santa Stella.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, I ... I don't think I've ever heard of a Saint Stella.
PAOLO: The stars, Doctor, the stars. Those mysterious orbs which in their flight proclaim how dwarfish is this lowly creature peering up at them from the mud. (Laugh.) You're a connoisseur of wonders, I collect. If the weather holds, I shall show you a wonder this very night. A wonder not beheld by man for a century and a half. And more.
(Rumble of thunder.)
PAOLO: If the weather holds.

JEREMY: I say, sir. I do think I could go and make us all a cup of tea, or something?
THE BRIGADIER: You wouldn't be any safer inside. Those things can get anywhere. You saw what happened to Maggie.
JEREMY: I can't see her. What's she doing?
THE BRIGADIER: She's crouching in the battlements, trying to spot Vilmio, I think.
(Distant shouts.)
JEREMY: Look. He's running away with one of his bodyguards.
THE BRIGADIER: And there's Maggie.
MAGGIE: (deep:) Come back, you lily-livered skunk!
THE BRIGADIER: Listen to her.
(Whirring of helicopter.)
THE BRIGADIER: It's a chopper. That's torn it.
JEREMY: It's going to land in the goat field, the other side of the orange trees.
MAGGIE: (deep:) You asked for it, Maxie.
(Blast. Burning.)
JEREMY: It's like a blasted flame-thrower. That orange tree's had it.
THE BRIGADIER: But she missed Max, though. He's into the orange grove. If his bodyguard had any sense, he'd...
(Machine gun shots.)
MAGGIE: (deep:) Playing games, Emilio?
(Blast. Scream.)
THE BRIGADIER: Vaporized. Well, thank the Lord she's on our side.
JEREMY: Max is into the helicopter. Here it comes.
THE BRIGADIER: Stand by. Our best hope is to pick him off with a stun gun after it's landed.
JEREMY: Look. Maggie's pointing at it.
MAGGIE: (deep:) So long, Daddy-O.
(Blast. Crash and explosion.)
THE BRIGADIER: Well, that's settled him. Nobody could survive a crash like that.
(Groan by MAX.)
JEREMY: He's still alive!
THE BRIGADIER: Good grief!
MAX: Well, well. You pack quite a punch for a dumb black hooker.
MAGGIE: (deep:) Goodbye, sweetheart.
(Blast. MAX groans.)
THE BRIGADIER: He's just soaking it up.
JEREMY: What's he doing now?
MAX: In the name of Astaroth, in the name of Beelzebub, in the name and might of Lucifer, I command thee to come to me!
MAGGIE: (deep:) No. No!
JEREMY: It's eternal fire!
(MAGGIE groans.)
THE BRIGADIER: It's the fiend. It's transferring itself to Max. Once he's taken it over ... Look, stand clear, Jeremy.
(Stun gun blasts.)
THE BRIGADIER: No effect whatever. Just what I was afraid of.
MAGGIE: Help me. Help me.
MAX: (deep:) So long, Maggie. Been nice knowin' ya.
(Blast. MAGGIE scream. Explosion.)

(Pulling on locked door.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: How could I have been such a dimwit? Silly little ... Well, one thing's for sure. I can't do anything while I'm stuck in here. Did she leave the key in the lock. If she did...
(Checking door.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: No. She's too clever by half, that one. I'll have to climb out of the window.
(Rustling of covers, window opened. Sound of distant thunder.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh. Second storey. A sheer drop, too. The things I let myself in for. Well, stop whinging, Sarah Jane, and get knotting.

(Walking.)
PAOLO: (breathless:) Oh ... To be sure, the little room above the clock chamber is by no means an ideal observatory, but .. with the balcony running round it ... Here we are.
(Door opened.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh. My word. A most impressive collection.
PAOLO: The orrery belonged to my father. But the planetarium was constructed to my own design, in Padua.
THE DOCTOR: Oh.
PAOLO: And of course, my pride, my joy, the companion of my solitude.
THE DOCTOR: Your telescope.
PAOLO: It is by Dolland of London. I would venture to claim that it has the only six-inch speculum to be found south of Rome.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah. Magnificent.
PAOLO: Thank you. But that was not why I have brought you here, at grave risk of an apoplectic seizure to the both of us. Pray step outside.
(Door opened.)

(Outside, stormy conditions.)
PAOLO: We're lucky, Doctor. Look, between the clouds.
THE DOCTOR: I see it!
PAOLO: No man has beheld this sight for one hundred and fifty seven years. When Clancy's prediction to the Royal Society in Sixteen Sixty-One proved accurate...
THE DOCTOR: Clancy's comet.
PAOLO: Is it not a wonder in nature, sir? Did I not promise you that?
THE DOCTOR: Sixteen Sixty-One. Of course. Of course! Fool, fool!
PAOLO: Your pardon, sir?
THE DOCTOR: Orobouros.
PAOLO: I fear I do not comprehend you.
THE DOCTOR: Orobouros!
(Walking off.)
PAOLO: Where are you going? Doctor!

SARAH JANE SMITH: Help!
(Running up.)
THE DOCTOR: Sarah? Sarah, is that you?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Somebody help me!
(Door unlocked.)
THE DOCTOR: Right, Sarah. Sarah! Lift your feet and put them against the wall.
SARAH JANE SMITH: No, no - I can't.
THE DOCTOR: Yes of course you can. Now, have a go. Well done. Well done. Now, walk down. Walk down a step at a time, and a hand at a time. Inch by inch. That's the way, that's the way. Gently. Gently! Now, pull the sheets into the window. And in you come! Here. Got you!
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh ... Oh Doctor ... I - I climbed out of Louisa's room above, and the bed slipped.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, yes, well, you're all right now.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh. Oh Doctor ... it's nearly midnight, and...
THE DOCTOR: I know, I know. Orobouros. Now, come on!

(Door opened. Thunder.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh no! He's at the wall! Giuseppe, stop!
LOUISA: Giuseppe, no!
THE DOCTOR: No!
(Loud thunder. Crashing of bricks. LOUISA screams.)
LOUISA: Giuseppe!
SARAH JANE SMITH: Doctor, stop her! She'll go over the cliff after him!
LOUISA: Giuseppe! Wait, my love. I'm coming!
SARAH JANE SMITH: No!
THE DOCTOR: He's gone!
(Thunderclap.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: But she can't have! We came to stop her! We came to...
THE DOCTOR: We were too late, Sarah.
(Male grunts of effort.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Look! Look, there's somebody climbing over the edge. Louisa!
THE DOCTOR: No! Stay here.
(SARAH JANE SMITH gasps.)
MAX: Free! Free at last. Well, Doctor. What are you going to do, hmm? Kill me? Eh?
(MAX laughs.)
THE DOCTOR: Come on, Sarah. Come on, I'm going back to the TARDIS.
SARAH JANE SMITH: But Doctor, you can't just let him go.
THE DOCTOR: There's nothing we can do here. We'd must get back. The Brigadier is going to need us more than ever. Come on.

(Walking.)
MARIO: Oh! Put-a me down! Put-a me down, I say.
ROBERTO: Uh, mia excuse, Signor Verconti.
THE BRIGADIER: Well done, Roberto. Right, shut it, Umberto, and bolt it.
UMBERTO: Si, Signore.
(Closing and locking door.)
THE BRIGADIER: With any luck, an ironclad door may hold. Right, up to the hall, everybody. We can see what he's up to through the window.
(Walking off. Sound of burning.)
JEREMY: The gate's gone up in flames!
THE BRIGADIER: Only to be expected. There's more power in one of those bolts of energy than a whole tank-full of napalm.
JEREMY: Couldn't we, er ... negotiate, or parley, or something?
ROBERTO: I guess they're coming through, boss.
THE BRIGADIER: Let me see.
(Moving over.)
THE BRIGADIER: Yes, so he is. And coming this way. Right, get down, everybody. There's Mario.
JEREMY: Doing a sort of dance.
THE BRIGADIER: Good grief, he's got his blunderbuss. Uncle! Come back!
MARIO: (distant:) Cannot catch me for a bumbling bee.
(Shot. MAX cry.)
THE BRIGADIER: He's shot him in the face.
MARIO: You see? I got-a the basket in the gob-smack.
THE BRIGADIER: His face is just a mess of bloody gashes. And look, you've blinded him, by God.
MARIO: Sí. That will learn him to tingle with a Verconti.

(TARDIS control room.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: How can you calmly stand there fiddling with the controls after what's happened And yet ... nothing has happened, really. That's the trouble. I won't stop thinking about that dear little girl.
(Noise of console device.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: There's one thing I don't understand, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Hmm? Yeah, what's that?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Why did Maximilian lose his arm. If he's immortal, then any part of his body must be too.
THE DOCTOR: His arm? Yeah, well, you're right in a way. The cells themselves do become immortal. Infinitely self-healing. So whatever damage is done to the body by physical trauma or by pathogens will be repaired. But we're not talking about magic. If any part is lost entirely, it can't be re-grown like a lizard's tail, you know.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Talking of lizards, what was all that about Orobouros? He was the dragon, wasn't he?
THE DOCTOR: What?
SARAH JANE SMITH: You said "Orobouros" just before we both took off like scalded pussycats and saw...
(SARAH JANE SMITH breaks off into sobs.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, Doctor...
THE DOCTOR: She isn't dead, you know. What made Louisa special can never die.
SARAH JANE SMITH: I saw her die, and so did you.
THE DOCTOR: We both saw her body die. But Louisa's moved into N Space, that's all.
SARAH JANE SMITH: But don't you see, Doctor? I knew what was going to happen. I could have stopped it. She's a ghost, a lost soul, and .. and I could have saved her, and ... and it's all my fault.
(Sobs.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Sorry. Have you got a hankie?
THE DOCTOR: Yeah here.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Thank you.
(Blowing nose.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Thank you. It was just the thought of her going on and on...
THE DOCTOR: I was once travelling through the mountains on Gallifrey with my old teacher. We'd been going for days, and it had been pretty hairy at times, what with blizzards and scorching sun and plungbolls and all.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Plungbolls?
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, of course, you don't have them here, do you?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Mm.
THE DOCTOR: Little furry creatures, about the size of your thumbnail. They live up in the snow, and if they sense any warmth they just attach themselves to it. Mountaineers have been found literally smothered by thousands of them. Anyway...
SARAH JANE SMITH: How do you get rid of them?
THE DOCTOR: Oh - anti-plungboll spray, of course.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh.
THE DOCTOR: If you remember to use it they can't attach themselves. They just fall off, squeaking a bit.
SARAH JANE SMITH: I think that's sad.
THE DOCTOR: Anyway, in ... one of these high valleys, we came to a river that had burst its banks. You could ... you could just see the other shore if you looked really hard. Well, my teacher took one look, dropped his bag, pulled off his robes and plunged in to swim across. Then he realised I wasn't following, I was just standing there with me backpack and me climbing irons and ... my ice pick and sleeping-bag and food sack, the lot. "Just leave it all," he said. "Yeah, but ... what about the other side?" I asked. And he just said, "Trust me." So, I stripped to the buff, and followed him. It was great.
(SARAH JANE SMITH gentle laugh.)
THE DOCTOR: Like having a cold beer after a game of scratchin.
SARAH JANE SMITH: What? Er - oh, never mind.
THE DOCTOR: Or like coming home after you've been away for months and months.
(THE DOCTOR laughs.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: What ... what are you laughing at?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, the old rogue knew all the time. He lived just the other side, you see?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Ah.
THE DOCTOR: We landed in his front garden.
(SARAH JANE SMITH laughs.)
THE DOCTOR: Louisa won't be a ghost forever, Sarah.

THE BRIGADIER: Has he moved at all?
JEREMY: No.
(ROBERTO singing in the background.)
MARIO: Is-a blind man buffer, now. All by himself in the moonlight. Eh? Is over his game.
THE BRIGADIER: I'm not so sure.
JEREMY: But he's been sitting in the rain with his face in his hands for hours. I'm bored out of my skull.
THE BRIGADIER: Well, your watch is almost over, so don't let up now. Give me a shout if he shows any signs of life.
JEREMY: I say, any chance of a bite? It's yonks since we had those sarnies.
THE BRIGADIER: Well, not long now. Umberto disappeared to the kitchen some time ago.
ROBERTO: Wow, folks, listen.
JEREMY: Hey! He moved his head.
THE BRIGADIER: Still, everyone. Are you sure?
JEREMY: There! He did it again. He's getting up.
MARIO: I get-a gun.
THE BRIGADIER: Wait.
JEREMY: He's coming this way. No. He's stopped. He's looking up at us.
THE BRIGADIER: Well, well, well. He's completely unmarked. Not a trace of a wound.
MARIO: Ah.
THE BRIGADIER: Yet he took the charge full in the face. But he's obviously not blind.
MARIO: He's-a going home.
THE BRIGADIER: No, I don't think so. He's going round to the back.
JEREMY: I say, are the other doors locked?
THE BRIGADIER: I checked them myself. On the other hand, they're made of wood. Come on. Uncle, bring your gun.

THE BRIGADIER: Are you all right, Uncle?
MARIO: I'm a silly old puffer. Okay soon.
THE BRIGADIER: Where's Jeremy?
JEREMY: I'm here.
THE BRIGADIER: Oh, do try to keep up.
(Walking fast.)
THE BRIGADIER: There he is, on the cliff-top. He must have climbed over the ruined part of the wall like you did.
MARIO: What's he do? He do exercise?
THE BRIGADIER: Seems to be chanting something.
(Faint sound of MAX chanting.)
JEREMY: Look. There's a sort of glow sort of thing coming, like when the Doctor showed us N Space.
THE BRIGADIER: Yes, this is just what I was afraid of. The Doctor warned me he might try it.
JEREMY: But what's he doing? I don't understand.
THE BRIGADIER: We've got to try and stop him, and we haven't got much time. Now listen carefully. Apparently midnight is H-Hour as far as Operation Max Vilmio is concerned.
MARIO: It's-a nearly midnight.
THE BRIGADIER: Exactly. If he times it right, he'll be through into N Space, and all Hell will be let loose - and don't think I'm joking. Our only hope is to use the blunderbuss again as a delaying tactic.
MARIO: Ah.
THE BRIGADIER: If I can get close enough to have a chance of at least blinding him once more, and perhaps doing him a real mischief...
MARIO: It's-a my gun.
THE BRIGADIER: No, Uncle. I shall need you both to distract his attention from my approach. Now, listen carefully.

(MAX chanting. Tearing sound.)
THE BRIGADIER: So far so good. Yes, there's Jeremy getting into position. Thirteen seconds to go. Only just in time. That crack of light is bigger even than when the Doctor showed us. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.
JEREMY: I say! You there!
MARIO: Nit-a-whisker, look-a this way!
THE BRIGADIER: No, Mr Vilmio. This way.
(MAX chanting. TARDIS materialises. MAX reaches the end of his chant:)
MAX: Eba, eba tepash-kul! Well, well, well. You don't give up easily, I'll give you that.
(TARDIS door opened with humming sound.)
THE DOCTOR: Ah, we seem to have arrived just in time.
MAX: No, Doctor. You are just too late! Why don't you pull the trigger, Mr Lethbridge Stewart?
THE BRIGADIER: I'm no murderer.
MAX: (laughs.) Spoken like a true Brit.
(Clock chiming.)
MAX: Farewell, Doctor. For a while I thought I'd met an opponent worthy to challenge a King. (Laughs.)
THE DOCTOR: Maximilian Vilmius, this is not the end.
MAX: Farewell!
(He laughs.)

(Closing Doctor Who theme music composed by Peter Howell.)
ANNOUNCER: The Ghosts Of N Space was written by Barry Letts and starred Jon Pertwee as the Doctor, with Elisabeth Sladen as Sarah Jane Smith, Nicholas Courtney as The Brigadier, Richard Pearce as Jeremy, Stephen Thorne as Max, Sandra Dickinson as Maggie, Harry Towb as Mario, and Deborah Berlin as Louisa. Other parts were played by Jonathan Keeble, Paul Brooke and Peter Yapp. Incidental Music was by Peter Howell of the BBC Radiophonic Workshop, and Technical Presentation was by John Whitehall, Alison Carter and Colin Guthrie. The Producer was Phil Clarke.

RADIO 2 ANNOUNCER: (female:) And you can hear the last episode at the same time next week. And you may be interested to know that The Ghosts Of N Space will be available on the BBC Radio Collection from this coming Monday, that's the 19th of February.

SATURDAY 24 FEBRUARY 1996
BBC RADIO 2

RADIO 2 ANNOUNCER: (Female:) And now on Radio 2 the final episode of Doctor Who And The Ghosts Of N Space. The Doctor now has to face Maximilian who has all the fiends of N Space at his command. Can he possibly find any way to save the world, or is it all too late?

(Opening Doctor Who theme music composed by Peter Howell.)
ANNOUNCER: (Male:) Doctor Who And The Ghosts Of N Space. Starring Jon Pertwee as The Doctor, Elisabeth Sladen as Sarah Jane Smith, and Nicholas Courtney as The Brigadier. Episode Six.

(Eating from plates.)
THE DOCTOR: It's a curious thing - Dishes similar to this crop up all over the Galaxy. Though on the whole I think spaghetti's the best.
THE BRIGADIER: I don't understand you, Doctor...
THE DOCTOR: Mm-hmm?
THE BRIGADIER: Everything's gone wrong, Max Vilmio has succeeded in getting into N Space, there's a good chance of a major catastrophe hitting the planet at any moment, and yet you seem more cheerful than at any time since this whole thing started.
THE DOCTOR: Ah well, you see before, I hadn't a notion of what to do about the flaw in the barrier. Now I have. I know the missing term in the equation.
THE BRIGADIER: You do?
THE DOCTOR: Clancy's comet. In Sixteen Sixty-One, Theodore Clancy was going through the records and he realised that this comet had been showing up every one hundred and fifty-seven years since there'd been any sort of records at all, and yet nobody'd realised it was the same one.
JEREMY: What a lot of nincompoops.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Jeremy, shush.
THE DOCTOR: And I missed it. Even with all the clues ... "Under the wing of the dragon", "the flight of the dragon", and so on.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Orobouros.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, exactly. What better symbol for a comet could you have than a dragon that's perpetually swallowing its own tail?
THE BRIGADIER: Are you suggesting that the presence of this comet in, erm ... Fifteen Oh Four and ... Eighteen Eighteen, and of course this year, was somehow mixed up in all this ... hoo-hah with Vilmio?
THE DOCTOR: (laugh:) No doubt about it. The astrological pointers were there all the time.

(Moving objects in fireplace.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: No. Not ... not quite out. No. Put a few sticks on. Oh, Louisa, Louisa. Over a hundred and fifty years. It doesn't bear thinking about. If only I could do something.
JEREMY: Oh. Hello.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Hi. Couldn't you sleep either?
JEREMY: No. I came down to get a book. Do you think the Doc would take me in the TARDIS tomorrow?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh ... Jeremy, I'm sorry I called you all those names, but you see, we're not going in ... in the TARDIS. We're going into N Space again.
JEREMY: What? Amongst all the fiends?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Well, I suppose so. He says there's no point in mending the crack in the barrier yet, because it wouldn't trap Maximilian inside. Now he's in there in his immortal body, he can break through whenever he wants to. No, what we've got to do is ... uncouple the merged bodies, before he has a go. Mm.
JEREMY: I see.

THE DOCTOR: Ah, there you are, Brigadier. You found her.
THE BRIGADIER: She was listening to young Roberto singing.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Sorry, Doctor. I didn't notice the time. He's ... not half bad, you know.
(Lying down on table.)
THE DOCTOR: Right ... come on, lie down, Sarah. Headpiece on.
SARAH JANE SMITH: He keeps reminding me of somebody.
JEREMY: Er, Elvis?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, don't be daft, Jeremy. He doesn't look a bit like Elvis.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, by the way, the ... the barrier had its worst shake-up yet last night, so don't be surprised if you get a sudden increase in phenomena.
THE BRIGADIER: You mean fiends?
THE DOCTOR: N Forms, yes. Fiends.
THE BRIGADIER: Well, thanks for the tip. And what do you propose we do about it?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, I'm sure you'll think of something. Er ... didn't the stun gun turn out to be any use, Brigadier?
THE BRIGADIER: I only tried it on one of the fiends ... but yes, it made him think twice.
(Pulsating sound of power.)
JEREMY: In my opinion, it's a very effective weapon. Just what a sharp-shooter needs.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah well, if you want more power, adjust it to the fine beam. Erm, I left it on the cone pattern. The spray. Make certain it couldn't miss, no matter who used it.
JEREMY: Oh, I say.

SARAH JANE SMITH: The light's crumbling away, just like last time.
THE DOCTOR: Off we go!
(Whistling wind of travelling.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Where to?
THE DOCTOR: Well, if I'm not very much mistaken, we're going to visit a king.
SARAH JANE SMITH: You mean Maximilian?
THE DOCTOR: Mm-mm. You've got to remember, he's fundamentally from the Middle Ages, is our Max. He's steeped in the attitudes of the period. No, it was no accident that he ended up in the world of the Mafia. After all, what is a Mafia Godfather, but the King of his Family, mm?
SARAH JANE SMITH: It's getting awfully hot. Hey! It looks as if there's a fire over there.
(Sound of fire burning.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Something colossal. It's lighting up the mountains.
THE DOCTOR: Remember what I said, Sarah?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Uh?
THE DOCTOR: In N Space, it's all a matter of belief. Now, where do you think Maximilian believes he's come to?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Hell! ... I suppose.
THE DOCTOR: Of course. And that's where we're going.

(Object wheeled out.)
THE BRIGADIER: Ah, good. You found something.
ROBERTO: Oh, it ain't nothin' but an old garden barrow.
THE BRIGADIER: It'll do very well.
JEREMY: Hi there. Signor Verconti says you were looking for me. What's up?
THE BRIGADIER: Well, thought you might like to help us collect up the guns from outside. We don't want Vilmio's people waking up and starting a private war. Come on, let's get on with it.

(Bound of burning.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: I didn't bargain for Hell. Oh, the heat, it's like a furnace.
THE DOCTOR: Nearly there.
(Sounds of screaming beasts starts.)
THE DOCTOR: Ready?
SARAH JANE SMITH: As ready as I'll ever be.
(Screaming continues.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh no. It's like ... like those paintings ... by that...
THE DOCTOR: Hieronymous Bosch.
SARAH JANE SMITH: He must have been to N Space.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, I think he must.
(SARAH JANE SMITH small cry of distress.)
THE DOCTOR: I shouldn't be surprised if Maximilian knew him before...
(SARAH JANE SMITH groans again.)
THE DOCTOR: Are you all right.
SARAH JANE SMITH: I think so. But where's Maximilian?
THE DOCTOR: Sarah ... look, and look again. Turn your mind sideways.
(Sound of MAX who has a deep voice.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: I can see him now. Sitting on a jewelled throne. He must be thirty feet tall!
THE DOCTOR: Of course.
SARAH JANE SMITH: And that golden armour, the ... the crown. He looks ... magnificent.
THE DOCTOR: The Emperor of Hell.
SARAH JANE SMITH: He's surrounded himself by Monks. No ... no, they're not. They're sort of ... bat things with their wings wrapped round them.
(Deep voice of MAX in background.)
THE DOCTOR: N Forms. You get used to having a bodyguard in the Mafia. More like pterodactyls with those teeth.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Well, that's it, then. He's beaten us.
(MAX's deep voice continues in background.)
THE DOCTOR: Surely I ... I wouldn't be so stupid...
(Rummaging.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: What are you looking for?
THE DOCTOR: My sonic screwdriver. I'm sure ... Ah. Yeah. Yeah, here it is. What did you say?
SARAH JANE SMITH: I said he's beaten us. There's nothing to be done.
THE DOCTOR: Stuff! One might even go so far as to say gammon.
SARAH JANE SMITH: But what can you do?
(MAX's deep voice in the background.)
THE DOCTOR: Do? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, Sarah Jane Smith. I'm going to challenge him to a duel.

(Bleating of a goat.)
ROBERTO: Hey man, this baby ain't gonna wake up this side of Judgement Day.
THE BRIGADIER: Oh, the fellow Maggie pushed over.
ROBERTO: Yeah, I reckon his neck's broke.
THE BRIGADIER: I reckon it is ... That is, erm, I think you're right.
ROBERTO: This here's his gun.
THE BRIGADIER: Add it to the pile.
JEREMY: Two more.
THE BRIGADIER: Right.
(Tinny clanking sound.)
THE BRIGADIER: Just have two on the west flank then, and ... we've got the lot.
(Bleating of goat.)

(Screaming.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: I've had it with N Space. Things don't stay the same from one minute to the next.
(Silence, apart from burning.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Where have all the people gone? I didn't see them vanish.
MAX: You dare to enter the realm of Maximilian, little man. You are either very brave or very foolish.
THE DOCTOR: I've come to call your bluff, Vilmio. This game is over. You are no King.
MAX: Not a King? Shall I not hereafter be King of the very world! Am I not even now the King of the Underworld? Where is Lucifer? Where is Beelzebub?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Yes. If this is Hell, where's the Devil? No. No, that's his belief, not mine. There's no such thing as the Devil.
(MAX laughs.)
MAX: Did they not flee at my approach? As you should flee, ere you reap the reward your impertinence and your arrogance deserve.
THE DOCTOR: My impertinence! My arrogance? You call yourself a King? You've proved over and over again that you're unworthy to be a man , let alone a King.
MAX: What!
THE DOCTOR: Those you've killed, those you've tortured, those whose lives you've corrupted, they all add their voices to mine, crying out in accusation. I say again, you are no King. You're less than the dirt beneath their feet.
MAX: You dare to speak thus to your Lord? You have made your choice. Die then, Doctor!
(Sound of sword coming out.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, look at that sword. It must be fifteen feet long. And all the Doctor's got is his sonic ... No ... no, aah! Oh, he's got a sword as well!
THE DOCTOR: Aha!
MAX: Ah. So shall perish!
(Sound of sword being smashed down.)
MAX: ... all who question!
(Sound of sword being smashed down. THE DOCTOR gasps.)
MAX: ... the might of Maximilian!
(Sound of sword being smashed down. THE DOCTOR gasps again.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Fight back, Doctor. Oh! He's falling. No, no - he's rolled out of the way, and...
MAX: Come down. Hold true.
SARAH JANE SMITH: If he slips on the rocks, he's had it.
THE DOCTOR: Ah Vilmio. Now I have the measure of you. You think you can take me? Come, I'm ready.
(Sound of sword being smashed down three times. THE DOCTOR cries out.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: The Doctor's wounded. He's falling.
MAX: (gasps.) As for you, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: And as for you!
(MAX gasps, cries out.)
MAX: Come!
SARAH JANE SMITH: Got him! But it's his false arm.
MAX: To your master!
(Sound of wings flapping.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Look out, Doctor. The fiends!
(THE DOCTOR cries and calls out for them to back off.)
MAX: Kill. Kill. Kill!
SARAH JANE SMITH: He's dying! Oh, he's finished! Oh, he's ... he's disappeared?
MAX: What trick is this? Doctor, where art thou?
SARAH JANE SMITH: The fiends. They're turning on him.
(Sounds of attack by fiends.)
MAX: No ... no ... No, get back. I am ... I am your King. Your master...
(MAX cries out.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: He's landed on his arm, on his sword. He's stuck on his own sword!
(Fiends fade away. Silence.)

(Bleating of goat.)
THE BRIGADIER: Get out of the way, you foolish animal.
JEREMY: If it's made up its mind, it'll never let us past. I know goats.
THE BRIGADIER: Well, I'm not going back without those last two guns. So perhaps you can have a word with your friend here, and...
ROBERTO: Hey, man.
THE BRIGADIER: Great Heavens. Get down, both of you! Into cover!
(Roaring of beast.)
JEREMY: It's sort of bouncing! Oh, the billy-goat doesn't like it.
THE BRIGADIER: Keep your voice down.
(Weird roaring of another fiend.)
THE BRIGADIER: There's another one. Floating over the wall, a giant spider...
JEREMY: And a blob of green yuk crawling through the grates!
THE BRIGADIER: It's a mass break-out. By God, there's half a dozen of the things.
ROBERTO: Yeah, and they ain't stopping a-coming yet.
JEREMY: I say, why don't we try the stun gun thingy on them? The Doctor did say it would stop them.
THE BRIGADIER: Only temporarily. There's no point in calling attention to ourselves.
(Sound of slithering fiend.)
JEREMY Oh, look! The centipedey one has fell onto the unconscious men - it's going to eat him!
THE BRIGADIER: No. It's not eating him. I'm afraid it's as the Doctor said it might be. It's merging with him. He's being possessed, as Maggie was.
JEREMY: And he's waking up!
(Goat-like bleat. Blast of energy. Explosion. Purrs of fiends.)
JEREMY: Oh, I say! He's vaporised the goat! Oh, it smells like Sunday dinner at school.
THE BRIGADIER: Don't be disgusting.

THE DOCTOR: It's quite simple. I went into a deep meditation, that's all. So there was no self there for the N Forms to attack. Well, except Maximilian. And he'd ordered them to kill. Yeah, they'd have eaten his body if I hadn't driven them off.
SARAH JANE SMITH: So, is he dead?
THE DOCTOR: Yes ... and no. You can't kill an N Body. But he's no longer immortal in his earthly body because the two have been severed.
SARAH JANE SMITH: And you did it with that screwdriver thing? How did it become a sword?
THE DOCTOR: Well, he felt its force as a weapon, and so in the frame of reference he'd established, it became a sword.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Like his?
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, like his.
SARAH JANE SMITH: But his sword was real. He cut your leg with it. I saw the blood. It was a real wound.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, which healed up as soon as he died.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh. In N Space, it's all a matter of belief.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, exactly. His mind was set in such a rigid system of belief, that I had to challenge him on his own ground, so to speak.
SARAH JANE SMITH: I see ... well, I think.
THE DOCTOR: He's as badly stuck as any of your ghosts. As badly stuck as Louisa. It's only when you understand that you're free to see things as they really are.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Badly stuck as Louisa. Yes.

THE BRIGADIER: That's it, then. Even these two with the guns. They've all got a fiend possessing them.
ROBERTO: Hey, those guys ... they're a-wakin' up.
MAN 1: Where's the boss? He's split.
MAN 2: So what? We got our orders, don't we?
THE BRIGADIER: Damn.
JEREMY: Sir?
THE BRIGADIER: Damn, damn!
JEREMY: Sir! I know what we can do.
THE BRIGADIER: What?
JEREMY: I said I know how to fix them.
THE BRIGADIER: Well, I heard you. What can we do?
JEREMY: Roberto, hand me one of those rifles.
(Moving off.)
THE BRIGADIER: Jeremy! Come back!
(Rustling as though JEREMY is moving through thick grass or leaves.)
JEREMY: Er, no. If I can get behind them. Not too close though. This should be about it. Safety catch off. Now then gently does it. Stand still, you perishing oik. Aim at his shoulder, and...
(Shot. Confused cries. Second bang. Machine gun fire. Cries of panic. Bangs, then silence.)
JEREMY: Oh, what happened? Oh. Nothing put patches of burnt stuff.
THE BRIGADIER: Jeremy! Jeremy, are you all right?
JEREMY: Here! Here!
THE BRIGADIER: That was quite brilliant. Whatever made you think of doing that?
JEREMY: It worked, didn't it? I mean, look.
ROBERTO: Yeah.
JEREMY: I mean, tell me what happened - I couldn't look, you see. I had to keep my head down.
THE BRIGADIER: Well, you hit the fella, and his friend blasted one of the chaps your end and so, his oppo started firing and ... before you knew it they were all pooping off at each other, and .. well, in a word, there's not one left. Well done.
JEREMY: Thank you, sir. Thank you.

ROBERTO: That's the lot.
THE BRIGADIER: Thank you, Roberto. If you'd just stack them with the others by the fireplace.
MARIO: Aha! I catch-a you. Doctor is awaiting.
THE BRIGADIER: Good, good.
MARIO: And Max Vilmio come a-back too.
THE BRIGADIER: What?
MARIO: Oh, not to worry. Is dead as a door-knob. You see.

MARIO: You see? Lying a-there on cliff-top being all shot dead, when I came to look at the Doctor.
THE BRIGADIER: Well, thank the Lord for that. Where is the Doctor?
MARIO: In a blue box.
THE BRIGADIER: Ah, there you are, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Ah, here. So I am.
THE BRIGADIER: What the devil's that? Seems to be twisting about in your hand.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, a neurological illusion. It's twisting the Space-Time structure of the neural network of your brain.
THE BRIGADIER: Is it, by George. Well, I wish it would pack it in. Most unpleasant sensation.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, let us hope we don't need the TARDIS in a hurry. It's the Space-Time warping template which she uses to get into the Time Vortex.
THE BRIGADIER: I know - you're using it to do the job the comet was doing.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, well done. Yeah. Exactly that. The Dimensional Transducer is already lined up on the area surrounding the flaw in the barrier, so ... if I link the two together, like - like this, I - I should be able to bend the N Space boundary sufficiently to ... seal up the cracks before Maximilian can come through and ... re-unite his two bodies.
JEREMY: I say, Doctor...
THE BRIGADIER: No, no, not now, boy, no...
JEREMY: But I think you should...
THE BRIGADIER: You heard the Doctor, Jeremy.
THE DOCTOR: Well Brigadier, wish me luck...
JEREMY: Stop! It's Sarah. She hasn't woken up.
THE DOCTOR: What?
JEREMY: She's just lying here and she's hardly breathing.
THE DOCTOR: Let me look. She hasn't come back from N Space.
THE BRIGADIER: What!
THE DOCTOR: Thank you, Jeremy. If I'd pulled that switch the barrier would be locked solid, and Sarah would never have been able to get back. I should have killed her as effectively as if I'd put a bullet through her brain.

(Bird-song.)
LOUISA: Giuseppe. Giuseppe! Where are you, my love? Giuseppe?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Louisa?
LOUISA: Sarah? Sarah Jane? It's been so long. So long. I was engaged to meet Giuseppe here. He's going to ... but that's a secret.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Come with me, Louisa.
LOUISA: No. I cannot. I must await Giuseppe. We were to meet by the ... What has happened? The wall, it's broken, and ... No! He's gone. My lovely boy. Giuseppe!
SARAH JANE SMITH: Louisa, come back!
(Rushing water.)
LOUISA: Giuseppe! Wait, my love. I'm coming!
SARAH JANE SMITH: No. You mustn't this time, you mustn't!
LOUISA: Let me go! Let me go! Without Giuseppe, there is nothing left!
SARAH JANE SMITH: No! I'm not going to let you go, I won't! I won't!
LOUISA: Let go!
(Their voices fade.)

(Bird-song again. LOUISA sobs.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: It'll be all right.
LOUISA: Oh, Sarah Jane, must everybody I love be taken from me?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Listen to me, Louisa. Giuseppe is dead...
LOUISA: No!
SARAH JANE SMITH: ... but he died a long time ago. Many years have passed since then. Try to remember.
LOUISA: I do not comprehend your meaning. And yet ... and yet I ... I know I left you but an hour ago. Oh, my sweet Sarah, can you ever find it in your heart to forgive your treacherous friend?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh...
LOUISA: I have repented this long age that I deceived you so. But how can that be, when it is but an hour since we talked together?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Tell me what happened when the clock struck twelve.
LOUISA: Must I?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Please.
LOUISA: My spirits were high, for Giuseppe was to ... Never mind that. And indeed he ... And then I ... No!
SARAH JANE SMITH: It's true.
LOUISA: Sarah, what shall I do?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Give me your hand, my lovely Louisa.
LOUISA: Where are we going?
SARAH JANE SMITH: You'll soon find out.
LOUISA: I...
SARAH JANE SMITH: Trust me.

LOUISA: What light is this? To be sure, I was not in Heaven before, but ... now ... Oh Sarah, I can see a light which is shining even brighter. Surely ... those are people waiting there? Oh ... it cannot be. It is. Mama?
(SARAH JANE SMITH laughs.)
LOUISA: Mama! And oh, my dear Papa!
(Sound of people.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Why, there's Powly too.
LOUISA: Oh, thank you, my friend. My true, true friend. I understand at last. I must say farewell to all my hopes. These eyes will never more behold Giuseppe.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Look.
LOUISA: Our talk...
SARAH JANE SMITH: Then look again.
LOUISA: Giuseppe? Oh! Giuseppe. Giuseppe, my dear, dear love!
(Distant voices.)
THE DOCTOR: Sarah? Sarah?
SARAH JANE SMITH: Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: It's time to come back.
SARAH JANE SMITH: No. I think I want to stay. I've never felt so happy in my life before.
THE DOCTOR: Not yet.

THE BRIGADIER: He looks as dead as she does. If they don't soon ... Oh, hang on, he moved. It's worked. They're both coming round.
JEREMY: Hi there.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh. Hi.
THE BRIGADIER: Well, thank the Lord. All's well that ends well.
THE DOCTOR: Well ... it hasn't ended till I close the gap in the barrier, Lethbridge Stewart, and I can't do that until I've reconnected the warping template. There.
(Tearing sound, then thunder.)
MAX: Too late, Doctor.
(Growls of fiends.)
THE BRIGADIER: Good grief. There are thousands of them.
JEREMY: They're filling the sky.
THE BRIGADIER: Doctor, close the gap.
THE DOCTOR: It is too late. The catastrophe I feared has come.
MAX: Quite right, Doctor. There is no use for your little toy any more. And now, it is my turn to kill you .
THE DOCTOR: Stop! Stop, I can help you. You asked me once to tell you who I am. Well, I'll tell you now. I am the only one living on this paltry planet who knows the secrets of the Universe. I have visited many of the inhabited worlds of the Galaxy.
MAX: So?
THE DOCTOR: Make me your councillor. Your consigliere.
MAX: We are not playing Mafia games now, Doctor. I play for higher stakes. And I have won.
THE DOCTOR: Indeed you have, Majesty. There is nobody to challenge your might on the puny world of Earth. But in the Galaxy, it is a different story.
MAX: I am the Emperor! I am the lord of all!
THE DOCTOR: I'm afraid not, sire. Just as the godfathers share amongst the Families the territory they control, the Lords of the Galaxy have parcelled out the worlds they rule. You will have to come to terms with it, and with them.
MAX: Never! The supreme being of this great Earth shall never bend his knee to another. Are they invulnerable, these so-called Lords?
THE DOCTOR: This is why you need me by your side, Master. You need my knowledge, and my advice.
MAX: Advise me then, Doctor. Why should Maximilian not become the Emperor of the Galaxy, of the Universe?
THE DOCTOR: You do not have the power.
MAX: What!
THE DOCTOR: Just now, you could have killed me with one blast from your finger. I tell you, there are those beyond the skies who could incinerate the Earth with a look.
MAX: If you wish to see my power, look around you!
(Fiends roar.)
MAX: You tell me I need more? These my servants are mine to command. You sir, come to me now!
(Roar. MAX gasps ecstatically. Rush of air as though being sucked inwards.)
THE BRIGADIER: It's merged with him. Just as Maggie's fiend did.
MAX: You see? And you.
(MAX gasps as fiend roars and is absorbed too.)
MAX: And you!
THE DOCTOR: No, Lord. No! You do not know what you're doing.
MAX: Do I not, little man? Come, good sirs. Your Lord awaits you. Why do you tarry?
(MAX gasps in ecstasy as fiends roar and horse neighs. His voice is slowly becoming deeper.)
MAX: Have the Kings of the Galaxy such power as this?
SARAH JANE SMITH: He's growing bigger and bigger the more they merge with him.
THE DOCTOR: I beg you Majesty, stop this madness. No human frame, not even ... not even one which has the elixir of immortality running in its veins, none could survive it.
THE BRIGADIER: Good grief, he must be seventy foot tall.
MAX: You see? You see? I am the Emperor. None shall withstand my might. My glory shall fill the Universe and put the stars to shame. Bow down ye mortals, and pay homage to your Lord. I am Maximilian!
THE DOCTOR: Goodbye.
(Unclicking. Explosion. MAX screams. Silence.)
THE DOCTOR: I did warn him.
THE BRIGADIER: But what happened? I could see you were teasing him to taking those things on board, but ... what then?
JEREMY: I thought it was game, set and match to the jolly old Emperor.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh ye of little faith. Do you think the Doctor didn't know what he was doing?
THE BRIGADIER: I'm not so sure.
THE DOCTOR: How well you know me, Lethbridge Stewart. How well you know me. No, you're quite right. It could have gone disastrously wrong if I'd mistimed things. I gave him a bit of a push by twisting his Space-Time, that's all. Remember, he was standing right where I'd aimed the warping template. And, whoop! Over the edge he went.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Did he ever.
THE DOCTOR: And look - a bonus. The flaw in the barrier has closed up.

(ROBERTO singing an Elvis song. Tapping of glass.)
THE BRIGADIER: Quiet. Quiet.
(Shushing noises.)
MARIO: Grazie, grazie. I like to give you a piece of toast. I a-drink to you all, in saying thank you for you saying goodbye to mine enemy, who I shot. Ah! But especial to my good Alistair, for cause he bring-a you here, and will be Barone when I peg-a the buckets. Hear, hear!
(Clapping.)
THE BRIGADIER: Yes well, I've been meaning to say something about that.
(ROBERTO starts singing a melody.)
MARIO: Yes?
THE BRIGADIER: It's just that ... Oh, never mind.
ROBERTO: (singing:) Oh girl I hope that our hearts at rest....
SARAH JANE SMITH: Poor old Brig. He's got too much sense of duty for his own good.
ROBERTO: (singing:) ... will wrap around in some linen strong...
SARAH JANE SMITH: I know that song.
(Puzzled muttering from the others.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Well - what is that you're singing?
ROBERTO: (singing:) And think of her now she's...
(He stops.)
ROBERTO: It's a folk song, I guess you'd call it. I got it off my Paw.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Of course! I'll be back.
(Rushing off.)
MARIO: Where you go?
THE BRIGADIER: Well ... where...
MARIO: Where you go?

(Gentle conversation/laughing.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Look, everybody. Look. I knew I was right.
MARIO: Ah.
SARAH JANE SMITH: Here's the portrait of Guido from the gallery. And look - if you change the hair-style, it'd be Roberto to the life.
(Exclamations.)
ROBERTO: Why, you ... you crazy, Miss Sarah.
SARAH JANE SMITH: No, don't you see? You're a real genuine long-lost heir.
MARIO: Ahh!
SARAH JANE SMITH: If you're a descendant of Guido's, you're even more entitled than Signor Verconti. Oh! S - I'm sorry.
MARIO: No, no. Is-a good.
(Laughter.)
THE BRIGADIER: But ... i-if he's descended through the male line, he'd have to bear the name of Verconti himself. What's your second name, Roberto?
ROBERTO: Orazio.
SARAH JANE SMITH: (disappointed:) Oh...
THE BRIGADIER: Well, that's it, then.
THE DOCTOR: I don't think so. Roberto, what's your last name?
ROBERTO: My last name? Menestrello.
THE DOCTOR: Yes. And that means "minstrel".
SARAH JANE SMITH: Oh, wow!
(Delighted exclamations.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: And to think I was worried about the coincidence of Garcia O'Toole having an Auntie in Scunthorpe!
(JEREMY/SARAH JANE SMITH giggle.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: Why did I ever think I could write a novel, Jeremy? I'm a journalist, and that's what I'll always be, okay?
JEREMY: I'll drink to that.
(Clink of glasses.)
SARAH JANE SMITH: First thing tomorrow I'll give Clorinda a ring. Oh boy. Have I got a story this time!

(Closing Doctor Who theme music composed by Peter Howell.)
ANNOUNCER: The Ghosts Of N Space was written by Barry Letts and starred Jon Pertwee as the Doctor , with Elisabeth Sladen as Sarah Jane Smith, Nicholas Courtney as The Brigadier, Richard Pearce as Jeremy, Stephen Thorne as Max, Harry Towb as Mario, and Deborah Berlin as Louisa. Incidental Music was by Peter Howell of the BBC Radiophonic Workshop, and Technical Presentation was by John Whitehall, Alison Carter and Colin Guthrie. The Production Assistant was Dawn Ellis. The Producer was Phil Clarke.

Transcribed by David Tait

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