National Television Awards

National Television Awards broadcast on ITV on 26 Jan 2011


(A clock alarm showing the time as 7:00 and a hand going to it. Irish presenter of the National Television Awards DERMOT O'LEARY in pyjamas in bed pulls the covers back, waking up to a nightmare.)
DERMOT O'LEARY: I can't believe it. I've set it wrong. I've slept in.
(Looking up, screwing up his eyes in dismay.)
DERMOT O'LEARY: I've missed the National Television Awards. I'm an idiot!
(A Police Box door opens. THE DOCTOR as played by Matt Smith looks out.)
THE DOCTOR: Can I help?

(In the TARDIS control room, THE DOCTOR moving round the console adjusting the controls.)
THE DOCTOR: The Twenty-Sixth of January Two Thousand And Eleven, it's a temporal tipping point.
(New companion DERMOT O'LEARY comes in in a black tuxedo and bow tie, looking round.)
THE DOCTOR: Millions of people are going to be making vitally important decisions.
(He stops and looks at DERMOT O'LEARY.)
THE DOCTOR: And if they make just one tiny mistake the entire Universe will be destroyed.
(He puts his hands reassuringly on DERMOT O'LEARY's cheeks, turns back to the console, pulls a lever back, types on the console keyboard.)
THE DOCTOR: Right. NTAs, here we come.
(He presses a bell which dings, and pulls a lever. DERMOT O'LEARY and THE DOCTOR are pulled back by the force of taking off.)
(DERMOT O'LEARY smiles and gives THE DOCTOR a thumbs-up sign, holds onto the console.)
THE DOCTOR: We've landed.
DERMOT O'LEARY: So are we there?
(THE DOCTOR checks the monitor.)
THE DOCTOR: No, I think we've overshot, but the scanner's on the blink. I need to check if the atmosphere is breathable.
DERMOT O'LEARY: How do we do that?
(THE DOCTOR walks over to him.)
THE DOCTOR: Do you know that miners used to take canaries down mines to check that the air was safe?
(Putting a hand on his shoulder.)
(He pushes DERMOT O'LEARY towards the doors.)
THE DOCTOR: Just pop your head out the door, would yer?
(He smiles and turns away.)

(Police Box in a sitting room. On a red sofa are seated two people: Double act Geordie presenters Anthony McPartlin and Declan Donnelly. They get up excitedly.)
ANT: Cool. Is the Doctor in there?
DEC: Has he come back?
DERMOT O'LEARY: You two know the Doctor?
(Indicating the Police Box behind him.)
ANT: Only the Doctor can release us from these.
(They each lift a hand up in unison.)
ANT AND DEC: Invisible space handcuffs.
ANT: We've been stuck in 'em for years.
ANT AND DEC: Twenty-one years!
DEC: The Doctor's got to help us, Dermot.
DERMOT O'LEARY: Yeah, he's just a bit busy right now.
(DERMOT O'LEARY goes back into the box.)
DEC: No, d-d-d-d-d-don't...
(The door closes. ANT sighs.)
ANT: Aah! I need the toilet.
(DEC turns to him.)
DEC: Not again.
(ANT nods, and rushes off, DEC forced to rush off with him.)

(In the console room, a lever pulled. DERMOT O'LEARY struggles to keep his balance.)
THE DOCTOR: Okay. Definitely got it this time. Whey! Landed. Right. Doors. Out you pop.
(He seems to throw a TARDIS key to DERMOT O'LEARY. DERMOT O'LEARY swings round to go outside.)
THE DOCTOR: No, wait. I'm getting a life-form reading out there.
(THE DOCTOR looks at his scanner.)
THE DOCTOR: Ooh. Some ancient creature.
(DERMOT O'LEARY turns to walk out.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh dear, there's something familiar about it.
(He hits the screen with his hand, tries to turn a dial.)
THE DOCTOR: Can't get an accurate reading. It's like there's a ... smokescreen.

(Outside, thick smoke ... from a cigarette held by Dot Branning - formerly Dot Cotton - from EastEnders as played by June Brown, standing in front of her shop.)
DOT: Who are you? You ain't the Doctor.
(DERMOT O'LEARY outside the smoke-wreathed Police Box.)
DERMOT O'LEARY: You know the Doctor?
DOT: Well, of course I do. He's only got one set of clothes, he's never out of my launderette.
(She walks off to her shop.)

(In the console room, winding a handle, operating a pump, pulling a lever.)
THE DOCTOR: Third time lucky.
(DERMOT O'LEARY pops his head up over the console.)
DERMOT O'LEARY: Where are we now?
THE DOCTOR: Oh no, it's the BBC Television Centre a hundred years in the future.
DERMOT O'LEARY: The BBC is still here?
THE DOCTOR: In between the adverts.
DERMOT O'LEARY: Don't you see, this is brilliant.
(He joyfully clasps THE DOCTOR's arms.)
DERMOT O'LEARY: This I have to see.
(DERMOT O'LEARY starts to walk to the doors.)
DERMOT O'LEARY: How TV's going to be made in a hundred years' time. Think of the programmes. Four-D television. News with robots. Comedies with jokes!

(He opens the door. Outside is BRUCE FORSYTH who, in 2011, is an 82 year old entertainer and presenter of Strictly Come Dancing. He is sitting on a chair reading his lines which are on a yellow script.)
DERMOT O'LEARY: Brucie? You're still here.
BRUCE FORSYTH: Nice to see you.
(THE DOCTOR pulls DERMOT O'LEARY back into the Police Box.)
THE DOCTOR: Come on.
(The door closes. BRUCE FORSYTH shrugs and goes back to his lines.)

(DERMOT O'LEARY and THE DOCTOR at opposite ends of the console.)
THE DOCTOR: Don't worry, Dermot. We'll get you there.
(He is pulled back from the console.)
THE DOCTOR: Er, we've overshot, we're one year into the future.
(DERMOT O'LEARY goes over to the monitor. Presenter GRAHAM NORTON appears on it in a blue News programme background. They step back from the screen.)
GRAHAM NORTON: Er, what's that box doing in the studio? I'm trying to present the News.
THE DOCTOR: Moving on.
(THE DOCTOR twists a dial on the scanner, a new picture appears. AMANDA HOLDEN sitting at a desk in a studio with an audience behind her.)
AMANDA HOLDEN: Well, it's just the same thing again, isn't it? An appearing, disappearing Police Telephone box.
THE DOCTOR: Sorry, Prime Minister.
DERMOT O'LEARY: (quietly:) Prime Minister?
THE DOCTOR: Ah - yes, that's also in your future. The Holden years. Shame she was so used to pressing that big red button.
(AMANDA HOLDEN is in the middle of the judging panel on the X Factor with MICHAEL McINTYRE on one side and DAVID HASSELHOFF on the other. She presses her buzzer to show a large red X on the desk screen she is sitting at. THE DOCTOR whistles at the narrow escape. The clock on the TARDIS console showing the time as 12 10 56 starts moving forwards.)
THE DOCTOR: I'm sure this will be it.
(DERMOT O'LEARY sighs. A voice on a screen alerts THE DOCTOR to a blond haired woman standing outside a building with a sign beside it: THE ROVERS RETURN. BECKY McDONALD as played by Katherine Kelly.)
BECKY McDONALD: Doctor, I have told you, it is over between us.
(DERMOT O'LEARY and THE DOCTOR rush over to the scanner and exchange glances.)
BECKY McDONALD: Shift that box off them cobbles or I shall come in there, and I shall shove an 'otpot where the sun don't shine.
(Holding a yellow cloth, she sprays some of the cleaning fluid she is holding onto the screen before turning away. THE DOCTOR in the TARDIS control room looks on in horror.)
THE DOCTOR: Terrifying race. The Weatherfieldians.
(Adjusting the controls.)
THE DOCTOR: Okay, last try.
(He checks the scanner.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh no, we're heading to some vast and terrible arena...
(DERMOT O'LEARY rushes over to look at the screen.)
THE DOCTOR: ... full of insane, shrieking banshees thirsting for blood and conquest.
DERMOT O'LEARY: Yes. That's it.
(THE DOCTOR and DERMOT O'LEARY are looking out at the National Television Awards audience. DERMOT O'LEARY indicates.)
DERMOT O'LEARY: That's the National Television Awards.
(They smile, THE DOCTOR pulls a lever and he and DERMOT O'LEARY are thrown back one final time as the Police Box hurtles towards its destination.)

Transcribed by David Tait

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