Night and the Doctor, by Steven Moffat

5 DVD only scenes from the Series 6 (Ha! should be series 32...) box set released 21 Nov 2011


[These 5 untransmitted scenes - Bad Night, Good Night, First Night, Last Night, and Up All Night - were shot exclusively for the DVD release of Doctor Who Series Six. They are collectively known as "Night And The Doctor."]


(TARDIS control room. The phone on the console is ringing repeatedly until AMY in her night-dress lifts the receiver.)
AMY: Hello? He's ... he's not there. Who's speaking?
(She is distracted by an insect buzzing around her.)
AMY: Sorry, the Prince of where? ... Which one? ... No, no. No, which prince, not which Wales. Erm...
(She picks up a rolled-up sheath of paper on the console.)
AMY: What year is this?
(She slams the paper down. THE DOCTOR comes in in top hat and suit and carrying a goldfish in a bowl.)
THE DOCTOR: I think that's probably for me! Hold this.
(She holds the fish bowl as THE DOCTOR takes the receiver.)
THE DOCTOR: Hello? Ah, yes, everything's fine. Don't worry. Well, exactly.
(As he walks AMY has to duck to avoid the telephone cord.)
THE DOCTOR: Why should you be worrying? Who even mentioned worrying?
(As he walks back AMY has to duck again to avoid the telephone cord.)
THE DOCTOR: She's fine. No, your mum is ... your mum is fine. (To AMY) Don't answer this phone. I answer this phone.
AMY: Where have you been?
THE DOCTOR: Party. just a party. (To Phone) Erm, yes, your mum is here, actually, but she can't come to the phone at the moment. ... Well, she's busy. Oh, you know, the Commonwealth.
(He crouches to speak to the goldfish in the bowl.)
THE DOCTOR: It's your son, ma'am, he wants to talk to you. We can't let him see you like this - well, hear you, not that he could hear you, you're a fish.
(Phone rings.)
THE DOCTOR: Sorry, I've got another call coming in.
(Her presses a control to transfer to the new call.)
THE DOCTOR: Hello? There is not a bit of use yelling, ambassador. Your warrior chief is trapped in my TARDIS. And until you've turned Her Majesty here back into a human being, he's staying put. Don't worry, he's perfectly safe...
(He sees the rolled-up paper.)
THE DOCTOR: Just popping you on hold.
(He sees the squashed fly on the newspaper and his eyes turn to AMY.)
THE DOCTOR: What have you done?
AMY: I thought it was a fly.
THE DOCTOR: So much for the slaughter of ten billion souls.
(He throws the rolled-up paper over his shoulder.)
AMY: What is going on?
THE DOCTOR: I was at a party. There was a slight incident.
AMY: Wait - what, so you sneak out at night to parties? Hang on. You're dressed up. You never dress up. Was River at the party?
(THE DOCTOR takes off his top hat and walks round the console.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh, why would she be there?
(He walks off.)
AMY: Don't ... just don't lie to me, Doctor. You're rubbish at it.
THE DOCTOR: Look, I do not sneak out at night to parties with - with - with River Song.
(He puts the hat on AMY's head.)
AMY: Hmm. How is she?
AMY: See? Rubbish.
THE DOCTOR: Oh! Look, sorry, but I am in the middle of a thing.
(He takes the goldfish bowl and starts to walk to the door but her voice stops him.)
AMY: Doctor! Doctor. I ... I need to talk to you.
(She walks to him.)
AMY: There is a reason that I couldn't sleep.
(THE DOCTOR looks at her then calls out.)
AMY: What are you doing?
THE DOCTOR: You've got the serious face on. I always shout for Rory when you've got the serious face. (Calling) Rory, she's having an emotion!
(RORY in pyjamas and dressing-gown appears from the left on an upper level.)
RORY: What? What's wrong, Amy?
AMY: Why are you calling him?
THE DOCTOR: It's his turn.
AMY: You two have ... You two have turns?
(THE DOCTOR cries out at the door.)
(He looks at the goldfish in the bowl.)
THE DOCTOR: It's the wrong fish. I've taken the wrong fish.
(He opens the door and calls out.)
THE DOCTOR: River, we've got the wrong fish.
(THE DOCTOR turns to AMY and RORY.)
THE DOCTOR: Look, sorry, you two. I've made a mistake. I've got three hours to save the Commonwealth.
(RORY scratches his head.)
RORY: What happens in three hours?
(THE DOCTOR takes his hat back from AMY.)
THE DOCTOR: The pet shops open.
(He rushes out. AMY and RORY look on puzzled.)


(In TARDIS control room, THE DOCTOR coming down stairs whistling while carrying a large musical instrument. He opens the TARDIS door and calls outside.)
THE DOCTOR: River! I'll see you in Antwerp! Tell Marilyn she's too late, she'll have to use the biplane. Take care.
(There is a buzzing and he walks to the console to answer the call - then realises AMY in nightdress is sitting on the stairs watching him.)
AMY: Do you do this every night?
THE DOCTOR: Oh! Hello.
(He hides the musical instrument behind him.)
AMY: You're trying to conceal a euphonium, guiltily. Has that ever been attempted before?
THE DOCTOR: What? Oh, this. Oh, yeah, it's just one of those, erm ... euphoniums.
AMY: Okay, so is this what you do at night when we're sleeping? Have extra adventures?
THE DOCTOR: I don't sleep as much as you. I keep busy.
AMY: Doing what? Actually, tell me for once. You're my friend, my best friend. So tell me what it is you do.
(TARDIS materialisation sound.)
THE DOCTOR: Okay. I just helped out a possessed orchestra on a moon base. Before that, I prevented two supernovas, wrote a history of the universe, all in jokes, and did a bit of locum work in Brixton. Lovely practice, very short-staffed. What's wrong?
AMY: We're all such tiny parts of your life, aren't we?
(She stands and walks down the stairs towards him.)
AMY: All the friends you make just flicker in and out. You must hardly notice us.
THE DOCTOR: Amy, you are enormous parts of my life. And you are all I ever remember.
AMY: Speaking of which ... My life doesn't make any sense.
AMY: That's what I've been trying to talk to you about.
AMY: Now, when I ... when I first met you, I didn't have parents. I never had parents. And then you did whatever it was you did and rebooted the universe and - and suddenly, I ... had parents. And I've always had parents. And I remember both lives in my head, both of them in my head at the same time.
THE DOCTOR: And it's fine, isn't it?
AMY: Yeah, but it shouldn't be. Why is it fine?
THE DOCTOR: Rory was a Roman for two thousand years.
AMY: He says he hardly remembers it.
THE DOCTOR: Ah, but sometimes you catch him just staring. The thing is, Amy, everyone's memory is a mess. Life is a mess. Everyone's got memories of a holiday they couldn't have been on or a party they never went to, or met someone for the first time and felt like they've known them all their lives. Time is being rewritten all around us, every day. People think their memories are bad, but their memories are fine. The past is really like that.
AMY: That's ridiculous.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, now you're starting to get it.
(He claps his hands.)
THE DOCTOR: Put your hand here.
AMY: What is it?
THE DOCTOR: TARDIS telepathic circuits.
(She moves over to the part of the console he has indicated and puts her hands there.)
AMY: What do I do?
THE DOCTOR: Nothing, just relax.
(He checks a screen.)
THE DOCTOR: Your saddest ever memory was at a fairground in Nineteen Ninety-Four. Can you remember why?
AMY: No. Hang on, did I ... Did I drop an ice cream? That can't be my saddest memory.
THE DOCTOR: Remembering ice cream's always sad.
(TARDIS materialisation sound stops.)
AMY: Did we just land? Where are we?
THE DOCTOR: What happened after you dropped the ice cream?
AMY: Nothing, I ... I cried. No, no, hang on. There was a lady and she - bought me another one.
THE DOCTOR: Oh. Good for her. What did she look like?
AMY: She looked like she ... She had a funny dress, a nightdress. She had red hair. Doctor...
(THE DOCTOR is by the TARDIS door.)
AMY: I don't understand. Why are you doing this? What is the point?
THE DOCTOR: The nice lady, what did she say to you?
AMY: "Cheer up. Have an ice cream."
THE DOCTOR: Amy, time and space is never ever going to make any kind of sense. A long time ago, you got the best possible advice on how to deal with that. So I suggest...
(He opens the TARDIS doors.)
THE DOCTOR: ... you go and give it.
(He gestures outside. AMY comes down the steps to him.)
AMY: Okay, okay, so I ask a big, important question about life and you're basically telling me to go and buy myself an ice cream.
THE DOCTOR: No Amy, I'm telling you to go and buy us both ice creams. I love fairgrounds.
AMY: I hate you.
THE DOCTOR: No, you don't. Do you get scared on ghost trains?
(They walk out.)
THE DOCTOR: I get a bit scared. So is it okay if I hold your hand?
(The doors close behind them leaving the empty control room.)


(Thunder crashing, RIVER SONG in her cell writing in a book, THE DOCTOR in white suit operates controls on the TARDIS console. Sound of TARDIS materialisation and RIVER SONG looks up. TARDIS engines have stopped. RIVER SONG comes into the console room and closes the front door behind her. She sees a long low-cut robe hanging up.)
RIVER SONG: The dress is a little daring.
THE DOCTOR: Yep, so I went for this instead.
RIVER SONG: Are we going out?
THE DOCTOR: Parents are asleep. How's Storm Cage?
RIVER SONG: I'm on the first night of twelve thousand consecutive life sentences. Kind of early to say. Where are we going?
THE DOCTOR: Alderin Beta. Boring, planet of the chip shops. But - there is a four hundred foot tree growing out of a cliff top on the north side of a mountain in the middle of the sea, and if you take the lift to the top and look up, at exactly twelve minutes past midnight on the twenty-first of September Twenty-Three Sixty, you can see more stars in one sky that at any other moment in the history of the universe. It's like daylight, only magic. You could read a book by it.
(He operates a control.)
RIVER SONG: Is it okay if I don't?
(Materialisation sound starts.)
THE DOCTOR: We've got ten minutes. Get dressed.
RIVER SONG: Oh, that's so close to the perfect sentence.
THE DOCTOR: Hmm. Did you bring the diary?
(RIVER SONG holds up the book in TARDIS blue that she was writing in earlier.)
RIVER SONG: It's a diary?
THE DOCTOR: It is now, because River, from now on, there are rules.
(She is leafing through the book.)
RIVER SONG: Oh, you've gone all strict. Not that I mind.
THE DOCTOR: River, you and I, it's all in the wrong order. We never meet in sequence. You put everything in the diary so we know where we are.
RIVER SONG: Put what in the diary? Sweetie, I'm in the highest security prison in all of the known universe.
THE DOCTOR: River Song could walk in and out of the prison like the walls aren't there.
RIVER SONG: I'm River Song.
THE DOCTOR: Then you'll be fine. If you don't like the dress, there's plenty more in the wardrobe. First right, second left, just past the helter-skelter.
(She moves off. THE DOCTOR hears laser guns firing and opens the TARDIS doors. Seemingly a different RIVER SONG staggers in, he supports her.)
RIVER SONG: I knew you'd come back here, you nostalgic idiot. Hold me!
THE DOCTOR: River! River! River! River?
(She lies back, not moving.)


(THE DOCTOR in white suit and black bow-tie, in the TARDIS control room, crouched over RIVER SONG who is lying on the floor.)
THE DOCTOR: River. Are you okay? Talk to me! Okay - erm, er ... breathe, breathe come on. Got to keep breathing.
(He listens to her mouth for signs of breathing then looks at her.)
THE DOCTOR: River? You are holding your breath.
(Her eyes open.)
RIVER SONG: You're a fine one to talk about holding. How many hands do you have?
THE DOCTOR: Get up! What are you doing here?
(Laser shot in background as she stands up.)
THE DOCTOR: Who's shooting at you?
RIVER SONG: Oh, just a few Sontarans. Chased me halfway across the galaxy. I probably shouldn't have asked them if they were on a hen night.
THE DOCTOR: River you can't do things like that.
RIVER SONG: Or what? You already had me banged up in jail for five years, what else are you going to do? Spank me?
(THE DOCTOR holds up a reproving finger.)
(She sees the dress hanging up.)
RIVER SONG: Doctor. Have you brought someone else here? Does anyone agree to wear that dress? Where is she?
(She rushes up the stairs.)
THE DOCTOR: River, think it through.
RIVER SONG: This happened the last time we were here. You brought someone else.
THE DOCTOR: No I didn't!
RIVER SONG: Yes you did. I heard you talking to her!
(She has rushed off round a corner out of sight.)
THE DOCTOR: It's the same night!
(A different RIVER SONG appears from the left.)
RIVER SONG: Doctor. Were you talking to someone?
THE DOCTOR: No, no, just me.
(She moves away and the RIVER SONG on the right appears again.)
RIVER SONG: Were you talking to someone?
THE DOCTOR: No, no, dear, just me.
(The RIVER SONG on the right moves off again out of sight. THE DOCTOR looks, wondering how to get out of this one, then the TARDIS doors open and a third RIVER SONG comes in.)
RIVER SONG: You nostalgic idiot, you just can't keep away. Can you?
(She is wearing the dress that is hanging up. THE DOCTOR looks to his left as RIVER SONG sees the dress hanging up.)
RIVER SONG: Doctor? Why have you bought another one of these? Who else is here?
(THE DOCTOR glances behind himself briefly.)
THE DOCTOR: River, could you just check the light on top? I think the bulb needs changing.
RIVER SONG: (sceptically) The bulb?
(RIVER SONG leaves through the TARDIS door. The RIVER SONG on the right comes down the stairs again.)
RIVER SONG: Who are you talking to?
THE DOCTOR: You. I'm talking to you. Back to Storm Cage, Doctor Song.
(He takes out his sonic screwdriver to adjust the controls on the device on her wrist - the vortex manipulator.)
RIVER SONG: Oh at least give me a lift, you know what this thing does to my hair.
THE DOCTOR: It's always like that.
(There is a flash as the RIVER SONG on the right vanishes. THE DOCTOR chuckles pleased with himself then the third RIVER SONG comes back in through the TARDIS door.)
RIVER SONG: The light's fine, I don't know what you're talking about.
(Another THE DOCTOR rushes in dressed in a black suit and top hat.)
THE DOCTOR: (black) No, River, wrong TARDIS, I'm parked round back...
(He stops as he sees THE DOCTOR in the white suit inside.)
THE DOCTOR: (black) Younger version.
RIVER SONG: Two of you! The mind races, does it not?
THE DOCTOR: (black) Come on. We'll be late.
RIVER SONG: He's taking me to the Singing Towers of Darillium.
(THE DOCTOR in black looks at the other who will recognise the name.)
RIVER SONG: He's been promising me for ages.
(She has left.)
THE DOCTOR: (white) The first time we met her, at the Library, when she...
THE DOCTOR: (black) Died. Yes.
THE DOCTOR: (white) She said the last time she saw us was at Darillium. Is that now?
THE DOCTOR: (black) Spoilers. Good luck tonight.
THE DOCTOR: (white) You too.
THE DOCTOR: (black) Yeah.
(He turns to leave as the RIVER SONG from the left rushes upstairs and sees THE DOCTOR in black leaving.)
RIVER SONG: There's two of you! The mind races.
THE DOCTOR: Right, come on you, let's go and see the stars.
RIVER SONG: But I haven't changed.
THE DOCTOR: And you never will, River. Never, ever.
RIVER SONG: What was the other you doing here?
THE DOCTOR: Sorry. Can't say.
RIVER SONG: What's that word you use?
THE DOCTOR: (smiles) Spoilers.
RIVER SONG: I like that word.
THE DOCTOR: I thought you might.
RIVER SONG: (Sigh.) Doctor, you and your secrets. You'll be the death of me.
(RIVER SONG leaves. THE DOCTOR stares ahead, closes his eyes, then turns to follow her out.)

BY TOM MACRAE (correction printed in the box set booklet)

(Dog barking heard in the distance, darkened street, a house with a light on downstairs.)

(CRAIG in shirt and tie eating a yoghurt inside his house.)
CRAIG: I still can't believe I'm allowed him.
(SOPHIE sitting at a kitchen table, she is holding the baby. Craig and Sophie first appeared in the Doctor Who story, The Lodger. Cereal packets on the kitchen shelf behind her. She is feeding Baby Alfie a yoghurt with an orange plastic spoon.)
SOPHIE: He's your son.
CRAIG: That's what I'm talking about. I mean, who authorised this? It's the single most terrifying thing that's ever happened to me. I mean, what if I break him?
SOPHIE: Yeah, you best try not to do that.
(Baby gurgling. CRAIG moves over to him.)
CRAIG: You all right, mate? See? Nothing!
[He does not speak Baby. Or maybe the baby does not like "mate" and prefers to be called "Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All."]
(Electrical buzzing and the lights flicker.)
SOPHIE: He's fine. He loves you. See?
(She stands and takes the baby over to CRAIG. The baby gurgles as he holds it.)
(CRAIG smiles at the baby.)
CRAIG: This is when I look into his eyes, I see everything I'm going to do wrong for the next sixty years reflected back at me.
SOPHIE: You're going to be an amazing dad, 'cause you're an amazing man.
(CRAIG lets the baby rest on his shoulder.)
CRAIG: Okay.
(Baby gurgles as it looks over to SOPHIE, who starts to read a newspaper on the table in front of her.)
CRAIG: Huh? That's good. Still not broken.
(SOPHIE looking at the paper on the table in front of her.)
SOPHIE: Another one. Have you seen all these people disappearing?
CRAIG: And you're absolutely sure about this? Me and him on our own for a whole weekend?
SOPHIE: Of course. What is the worst that could happen?
CRAIG: Don't ever say that! If you say that, terrible things will happen. Have you never seen a film?
(SOPHIE stands.)
SOPHIE: Come on, it's his bath time.
CRAIG: What? We literally just did that yesterday.
(Lights flicker again.)
SOPHIE: Oh, for God's sake, stop your fussing. Everything is going to be fine. It's wet elbows, not the end of the world. Come on.
CRAIG: Fine. (To Baby) Let's get you in the bath. Do I have to bath him when you're gone?
(He walks off after her. The lights flicker again. Electrical fizzing three times, like small explosions.)


Transcribed by David Tait

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