STARRING TOM BAKER
PRESENTED BY RICHARD EVANS
AIRED MONDAY 25 AUGUST 1975
(Transcript kindly provided by S Payne.)
[Sidewalk, in front of a theatre]
(The TARDIS materialises. The FOURTH DOCTOR emerges and approaches a passing MAN.)
DOCTOR: Excuse me, um, do you know, er, Mickey Mouse?
DOCTOR: Donald Duck? Do you know Donald Duck? He goes, er… Donald Duck, he…
(The DOCTOR makes a quacking noise and flaps his arms.)
DOCTOR: Goofy? Goofy goes, um… (imitating Goofy) ‘Uhhhh.’
MAN: Ah, you mean Disney films.
DOCTOR: (laughing) Yes!
MAN: Yes, they’re on in there.
(The MAN points to the theatre entrance.)
MAN: This bit that they’re showing now, in there.
DOCTOR: (pointing) In here?
MAN: Yes, in there.
DOCTOR: (doffing his hat) Why, thank you. Thank you very much.
(The DOCTOR enters the theatre.)
DOCTOR: I was passing Mars this morning, and I suddenly remembered that this is my last real holiday in a very long time.
And as I haven’t seen Mickey Mouse since he did his first professional mouse job in 1928, I thought, ‘I know, I’ll stop off in
London and see him and his friends!’ And so here I am, just in time for Clock Cleaners.
(Clock Cleaners plays.)
[Hallway, near a door]
(The DOCTOR holds the door for two passing women and doffs his hat to them as they exit.)
DOCTOR: Wouldn’t it be fun to have a friend who was invisible to everyone except you? And supposing he was a pirate? Rolling his eyes, flashing his teeth, filing his nails, and swigging rum? Suppose it was Blackbeard’s Ghost?
(Scene from Blackbeard’s Ghost plays.)
[Box office window]
(The DOCTOR is seated behind the window, holding a stack of tickets. A GIRL walks up.)
GIRL: Two tickets, please.
(He rips two tickets and hands them to her.)
DOCTOR: There you are. No charge.
GIRL: No charge?
DOCTOR: (smiling) No, I’m not entirely without influence.
GIRL: Thank you!
DOCTOR: There was once a little boy called Mowgli, and he was lost in a jungle. And one day, he met a cobra snake called Kaa.
Now, Kaa was no ordinary hissing snake. But then Shere Khan the tiger was no ordinary stripy tiger, either.
And Mowgli the little boy, he wasn’t an ordinary little boy. Trust in me. Do you know Jungle Book?
(The DOCTOR smiles.)
(Scene from The Jungle Book plays.)
(The DOCTOR walks past a statue of Kaa, nearly knocking off his hat. The DOCTOR smiles.)
DOCTOR: In real life, of course, lions and tigers and snakes are somewhat different. Have you seen Vanishing Prairie, or Bear Country, or Living Desert?
They’re really very good true-life adventure films. African Lion is another one. Shall we have a look?
(Scene from African Lion plays.)
(Pan up the DOCTOR’s scarf to his face, now serious.)
DOCTOR: There was once a gang called the Apple Dumpling Gang. They were three orphan children who discovered a gold mine and found in it the biggest gold nugget in the history of gold mining. Naturally, it had to be kept in the bank for safety. Everybody wanted it, especially Amos and Theodore, the Hashknife gang. Now, Theodore and Amos devised a foolproof plan to steal the nugget. It was a wonderful plan. Nothing could go wrong. They thought.
(Scene from The Apple Dumpling Gang plays.)
DOCTOR: In the world of fantasy, anything can happen. Beds can fly, fishes can sing and dance, and human beings can talk happily underwater. And if you think that’s a bit far-fetched, then you haven’t seen Bedknobs and Broomsticks.
(Scene from Bedknobs and Broomsticks plays.)
DOCTOR: And very nice too. There’s a brand-new Disney film just been made called Return of the Big Cat. It’ll be coming out at Christmas, so no one’s seen it yet. But let’s have a look at it now, to see what you think of it.
(Scene from Return of the Big Cat plays.)
DOCTOR: Two children with supernatural powers. Two villains capture the children in order to exploit their gifts. They give them ice cream, build them a wonderful place to live in, and give them all the toys and goodies they could possibly hope for. Are the children deceived? Escape to Witch Mountain.
(Scene from Escape to Witch Mountain plays.)
(Crash zoom to the DOCTOR, seated alone in a large auditorium.)
DOCTOR: A dog on his own, without a licence, can lead a very anxious life. He needs friends, even in a dog’s home. Without a licence and a name tag, who knows who a dog is? Dogs don’t talk. Usually they don’t sing, even about their problems. Except, of course, in Disney films such as Lady and the Tramp.
(Scene from Lady and the Tramp plays.)
(An anonymous arm emerges from the rows of seats and hands the DOCTOR a piece of paper. The DOCTOR reads it.)
DOCTOR: It’s from the Brigadier. He’s in trouble again.
(The DOCTOR runs up the stairs and exits the theatre doors.)
DOCTOR: And it’s time to say goodbye to all of you. But I’ll be seeing you again very soon. Next Saturday, in fact. Goodbye.
(He doffs his hat and enters the TARDIS. The TARDIS dematerialises as credits roll. Music plays - ‘He’s a Tramp’ from Lady and the Tramp.)