[Bridge]

WORF: Unidentified vessel approaching.
DATA: Sensor readings show it to be a small class-nine vessel, probably an interplanetary cargo ship.
WORF: One life sign aboard, sir. It appears to be humanoid.
DATA: I have its call sign now, sir.
WORF: Confirmed. Armed with lasers only.
DATA: Its cargo holds are empty. The readout shows its guidance system is malfunctioning. The pilot is attempting to hold course manually.
RIKER: I recommend we set the Enterprise on an intercept course in case he needs emergency assistance.
PICARD: Make it so, Mister Crusher.
(The little ship comes up astern of the majestic vessel)
RIKER: We're in position now, Captain.
PICARD: Open hailing frequencies.
WORF: Hailing frequencies open.
PICARD: On viewer. This is the USS Enterprise. Captain Jean Luc Picard.
OKONA [on viewscreen]: (bending over, bottom towards us) And this is the cargo carrier Erstwhile. Captain Okona at your service, sir. There's no need for your phasers, Captain. I'm harmless and not quite yet ready for mercy killing.
PICARD: You were never considered a danger to us, Captain.
OKONA [on viewscreen]: Oh, that's a shame. I can remember when I was at least considered a risk.
(Okona is a handsome, long-haired pirate of a man, and he sits down to face us)
OKONA [on viewscreen]: I'm the owner and operator of this craft and since we both know that you've already scanned it, you know I'm alone and empty, which is truly a rare occasion for a man of my charm and talent.
PICARD: Mute main viewer. Counsellor?
TROI: His emotions suggest that he's mischievous, irreverent and somewhat brazen. The word that seems to best describe him is rogue.
DATA: Rogue? Ah. Cad, knave, rake, rascal, villain, wild element.
TROI: Yes, Data, but there is no malevolence or ill will.
PICARD: Audio on. You have a burn-out in your guidance system, Captain.
OKONA: Whoa. Since you're able to diagnose my problems, how about helping me fix them?
WESLEY: Captain, we could easily repair the type of system he uses.
PICARD: We can accommodate you, Captain.
RIKER: This is the First Officer, sir. If you prepare to shut down your engines, we can lock on the tractor and beam you over here.
WORF: Sir, recommend limited access to our ship.
PICARD: Agreed.
RIKER: Data, lock on the tractor beam. Transporter Chief, prepare to him beam aboard.
ROBINSON [OC]: Ready on your command, sir.
OKONA [on viewscreen]: Excuse me, Commander. Is that a woman's voice I hear?
PICARD: Yes. Now please follow Commander Riker's instructions so our ship can get back to its normal routine.
OKONA [on viewscreen]: Whatever you say, Captain.
PICARD: Something funny?
RIKER: Well, the unexpected is our normal routine. Hold it steady, Wesley. Ready to link up on my command
WESLEY: Aye, sir.
RIKER: Easy. Easy. Engage. Captain Okona, shut down your engines.
OKONA [OC]: Understood.
RIKER: Transporter room, prepare for the beaming operation. We're on our way. Wesley, Data, let's go.

[Transporter room]

(The lady transporter chief has very long hair, and will eventually achieve fame as Lois Lane in the TV show. She beams Okona aboard with his broken guidance module)
WORF: Your weapons, please.
OKONA: A Klingon Security officer.
WORF: Yes.
OKONA: No wars available, eh?
(He hands over his gun belt, and Worf holds his hand out for the rest. The knife is down the back of Okona's thigh boots)
OKONA: It's more of a piece of jewellry than a weapon. A remembrance.
RIKER: Welcome aboard, Captain Okona. I'm Commander Riker. If you'll turn over the inoperative part to Commander Data, we can begin repairs.
OKONA: I'd be most happy to do the work myself, Commander. I'm sort of the hands-on type.
RIKER: I think you'd find the tools we use rather unusual, sir.
OKONA: I can believe that. May I at least watch?
RIKER: That can be arranged.
OKONA: Good then. Commander, I leave this in your capable hands.
(And gives the module to Wesley)
WESLEY: Sir, this is Commander Data. I'm just an acting ensign.
OKONA: Well, acting ensigns have names, don't they?
WESLEY: Wesley. Wesley Crusher.
OKONA: Nice to meet you Acting Ensign Wesley Wesley Crusher. (to Robinson) And thank you for beaming me here and enabling me to see a truly beautiful woman. You have the majestic carriage and loveliness that could surely be traced back to the noblest of families.
ROBINSON: Well, I'm sure that you've said that to many ladies before, and it was no more true then than it is now.
OKONA: But it's how I say it that's really important. The warmth, the attraction that I have for you. The attraction that we share.
RIKER: Mister Okona seems to have excellent vision as well as a healthy libido.
ROBINSON: (quietly) It's eight oh six.
RIKER: Captain Okona, if you follow Commander Data, you can get started right away.

[Corridor]

OKONA: Now, that's sex appeal.
DATA: Sexual attraction in this context is not a part of my programming. I am an android.
OKONA: Well, then. Have you seen any good looking computers lately? That's a joke. It's funny.
DATA: Ah. Of course it is.

[Engineering]

(Geordi is working on the module in his private alcove)
OKONA: Will that do what the original did?
LAFORGE: Sure will, and better. Let me show you. On your old one, the zelebium contacts that wore down and then fused. What I've done is replace them with tricellite.
OKONA: Tricellite isn't available in this system. If I ever had to replace it.
LAFORGE: Don't worry, you won't. Your ship will never outlast this part.
OKONA: Because of the part or the way I fly my ship?
LAFORGE: Well, this part, but the stress test did show that you tend to push your ship a little beyond its design capabilities.
OKONA: Blame the pattern of my life, Lieutenant La Forge. Because it relegates me to cargo carrying rather than the grand explorations you enjoy, I'm forced to add a measure of flamboyancy and a zest to the doldrum of my existence.

[Corridor]

OKONA: Have you ever been cold?
DATA: No.
OKONA: Warm, then?
DATA: No.
OKONA: What about drunk? Ever do that?
DATA: From alcohol? That is not possible for me, sir.
OKONA: Pity. What about love?
DATA: The act or the emotion?
OKONA: They're both the same.
DATA: I believe that statement to be inaccurate, sir.
OKONA: Maybe. Life is like loading twice your cargo weight onto your spacecraft. If it's canaries and you can keep half of them flying all the time, you're all right.
DATA: I doubt that statement is entirely accurate either, sir.
OKONA: Accurate? That was a joke I just told you.
DATA: I do not understand.
OKONA: You don't know what a joke is?
DATA: Of course I do. It is a witticism, a gag, a bon mot, a fluctuation of words concluding with a trick ending.
OKONA: That's the dictionary meaning. I'm talking about humour, fun. Do you know what funny is? (blank) Where is eight oh six?
DATA: Right over there, sir. Why?
OKONA: You probably wouldn't understand that either.
(The door opens to reveal Robinson in a slinky dress, waiting for Okona)
ROBINSON: Hello, there.

[Engineering]

RIKER: Status on the repair?
LAFORGE: Working on it.
WESLEY: Commander, what do you think of Captain Okona?
RIKER: Well, Okona is an interesting man, certainly. We've seen how he handles his ship. Apparently he knows how to handle people as well.
WESLEY: Then why does he work alone?
RIKER: He's a man who lives his life by his own rules. He does what he does by choice. By his choice. Someday you'll make yours.
WESLEY: I already have.

[Ten Forward]

DATA: So you agree with Okona that I am missing a very important human factor.
GUINAN: I never said that. I simply said that I've never seen you laugh.
DATA: I am capable of that function when it is expected of me.
GUINAN: Data, do you even know what a joke is?
DATA: Of course I do. It is a witticism, a gag, a bon mot, a fluctuation of
GUINAN: Stop. Look, it's just you and I here. We're talking, we're having an intimate conversation. Why? Because you're a 'droid and I'm a 'noid.
DATA: But why?
GUINAN: Because that's what I am.
DATA: Have I said something to offend you?
GUINAN: No.
DATA: Then why are you annoyed?
GUINAN: Because you're a 'droid and I'm a 'noid.
DATA: Humanoid.
GUINAN: Yes.
DATA: You told a joke.
GUINAN: Yes.
DATA: I am not laughing.
GUINAN: Yes.
DATA: Perhaps the joke was not funny.
GUINAN: No, the joke was funny. It's you, Data.
DATA: Are you sure?
GUINAN: Yes.
DATA: I agree. What do I do?
GUINAN: Well, under normal circumstances, I'd say seek a higher power. But in your case, probably a smarter computer is in order.

[Outside Holodeck]

DATA: Computer, I wish to know more about humour. Why certain combinations of words and actions make humans laugh.
COMPUTER: Source material on that subject is extensive. Please specify.
DATA: Animated presentation, humanoid. Interaction required.
COMPUTER: Physical humour, cerebral, or general raconteur.
DATA: Of all performers available, who is considered funniest?
COMPUTER: Twenty third century Stan Orega specialised in jokes about quantum mathematics.
DATA: No. Too esoteric. More generic.
COMPUTER: Accessing.
(A list of names is displayed, including David Livingston, Mike Gray, John Mason, Tracy Torme, Dan Curry, Wendy Neuss, Sam Freedle, Diane Overdiek,  Ernie Dyer, Merri Howard, Robert Metoyer, and finally - Ronald D Moore)
DATA: That one. RW nine six three two one, twentieth century.
COMPUTER: Programme installation complete. You may enter.

[Charnock's Comedy Cabaret]

(The comic is standing on a small stage behind a microphone stand)
COMIC: Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much. You've been great. As a matter of fact I'd like to take you home with me. Unfortunately I took the last audience home and there's no more room. Boom, boom. But thank you, really. Thank you. Hey, and thank you for bringing me here. What's up?
DATA: Mister Comic, I wish to know what is funny.
COMIC: Funny? I don't know. It's a matter of opinion, I guess. Tip O'Neill in a dress? Some people say words that end with a K are funny. A briefcase that looks like a fish. Personally I find that hysterical.
DATA: Tip O'Neill. Accessing. Twentieth century male, politician, overweight, wearing female clothing, carrying a valise that looks like a fish. So, the juxtaposition of gender and an amphibian briefcase is funny.
COMIC: Well, I think whatever makes you laugh is funny.
(They sit at a table)
DATA: Nothing makes me laugh. I wish to learn.
COMIC: How much time do we have here?
DATA: Unlimited.
COMIC: We're going to need it. You, pal, are a tough room.
DATA: Tough room? A colloquialism meaning a severe, rigid, closed-minded audience. I understand. I will attempt to be an easy room. Show me what is funny.
COMIC: All right, you're on. Jerry Lewis.
(The comic goes back on stage and does a Jerry Lewis impression - stupid noises, unintelligible speech with protruding teeth, knocking over the microphone, all that stupid rubbish)
COMIC: (as Lewis) Mister Robot, would you like to come up?
DATA: I am an android.
COMIC: (as Lewis) Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Mister Android. Here, teeth. Put them in your mouth. Come up with me. Where'd he go?
(Business up and down the steps, all terribly childish and embarrassing to watch but apparently Americans think it hilarious)
COMIC: Try, if you would. You go Ha!
(They put on silly voices, and stamp around)
DATA: That is considered to be funny?
COMIC: Actually it brought the house down in Teaneck.
DATA: Ah, a word that ends in K. So, if you put funny teeth in your mouth and jump around like an idiot, that is considered funny.
COMIC: I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.
DATA: Data.
COMIC: Data, did you consider juggling, weird bird calls, stuff like that?
DATA: That does not apply. I simply want to know what is funny. I want to be able to involve myself in other people's laughter. I wish to join in.
COMIC: I think that's nice. Let's put the physical stuff aside for a while, all right? We'll do some jokes. See, it's not my forte, but I think that would work good for you. If you would just have a seat and we'll try some jokes like. I dunno. We'll start with the classics. See, there's this travelling salesman. now. He's going down the road and his car breaks down, right?
DATA: Access faster.
COMIC: Comes up on this farmhouse and
(We are spared as the soundtrack speeds to chipmunk)
COMIC: It's probably best when you do something like this. Need a cigar 'cos it's kind a prop kind of thing and you go like this and
DATA: Faster. Move to maximum speed.

[Ten Forward]

(Data has the cigar and the arm gestures off pat) 
DATA: A guy walks into the doctor's office The doctor tells him you need an operation. The guy says I want a second opinion. The doctor said, okay, you're ugly too. Ba-boom boom. Was that funny?
GUINAN: No.
(Data sits, disconsolate)
GUINAN: Data, you spoiled the joke. It could have been your timing.
DATA: My timing is digital. (Guinan giggles) What?
GUINAN: That's funny.
DATA: Why?
GUINAN: It would take too long to explain. Tell me another joke.
DATA: (with cigar and silly voice) A monk, a clone and a Ferengi decide to go bowling together.
PICARD [OC]: Commander Data, report to the main Bridge immediately.
DATA: I will be back.
GUINAN: Bring new jokes.

[Bridge]

WORF: We have an unidentified at twelve mark four. No response to our enquiries.
PICARD: Extend hailing frequencies, all languages, all channels.
WORF: Extending.
DATA: Sensors show it to be an interplanetary vessel, sir. Class seven, crew complement twenty six.
WORF: Still no response. Captain, they are now locking lasers on us.
RIKER: Lasers?
WORF: Yes, sir.
PICARD: Lasers can't even penetrate our navigation shields. Don't they know that? 
RIKER: Regulations so call for a Yellow Alert.
PICARD: A very old regulation. Well, make it so, Number One. And reduce speed. Drop main shields as well.
RIKER: May I ask why, sir?
PICARD: In case we decide to surrender to them, Number One.
WORF: Still no response to our hail, sir.
DATA: It is slowing and is holding its position, Captain.
WORF: Sir, we are now being hailed.
PICARD: Viewer on.
(A middle aged man with a neat beard, dressed in simple grey, has his arms folded belligerently)
DEBIN [on viewscreen]: Federation vessel, you have no rights in this solar system. I am Debin of planet Atlec, ordering you to heave to and prepare to be boarded.
RIKER: Shades of Gulliver's Travels. He actually meant it.
PICARD: But he is right. We are in their solar system. Open a channel.
WORF: Open, sir.
PICARD: I am Captain Jean Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise. For what reason have you locked your weapons on us?
DEBIN [on viewscreen]: Enterprise, you are towing a spacecraft of a known criminal.
PICARD: He was in need of emergency repair. It was our obligation to assist.
DEBIN [on viewscreen]: You have a man aboard by the name of Okona. I want him.
PICARD: On what authority?
DEBIN [on viewscreen]: He is guilty of crimes committed on the planet Atlec. I expect him to be turned over to my authority immediately.
WORF: Mute.
PICARD: What do you think, Counsellor?
TROI: He believes what he's saying. His anger is genuine.
PICARD: Open. What crimes are you referring to?
DEBIN [on viewscreen]: Neither important nor necessary. I want Okona now!
WESLEY: Captain, we have another Class seven armed spacecraft approaching, from the opposite sector.
RIKER: Another ship from Atlec?
DATA: Similar in specifications and capabilities, but a variation in markings and hailing language.
PICARD: Debin, hold this position. Viewer off. Data, identify.
DATA: Sensors indicate it a security vessel from the planet Straleb.
WORF: Another glob fly.
RIKER: Glob fly?
DATA: A Klingon fly, half the size of an Earth mosquito, with no sting and a buzzing sound like this.
PICARD: Data. Viewer on. Hailing frequencies.
WORF: Open, sir
(A clean-shaven man in brown, with a younger man in a leather jacket just behind him)
KUSHELL [on viewscreen]: I am Secretary Kushell from the Legation of Unity of the planet Straleb.
PICARD: I am Captain Picard.
KUSHELL [on viewscreen]: We know who you are, Captain Picard. We have been monitoring your communications, and we know of the demands made by Debin of planet Atlec.
PICARD: Then you're aware that we have no hostile interaction.
KUSHELL [on viewscreen]: You only have to concede to one demand.
PICARD: That word demand has a tone of finality.
KUSHELL [on viewscreen]: It is a word I have chosen. We demand you turn Okona over to us immediately.
WORF: Mute.
PICARD: Mister Okona to the Bridge immediately. Open. The same demand has been made by the Atlec legation.
KUSHELL [on viewscreen]: I have no interest in their request, but we intend to back up our legal right to Okona.
PICARD: I would rather not escalate this situation any further.
KUSHELL [on viewscreen]: Our honour and prestige are at stake. We are prepared to take Okona by force and die in the doing of it if necessary.
PICARD: I trust that that can be avoided. I will respond to your request shortly. Viewer off.
WORF: Captain Okona has not responded, sir. He's been reported in three different crew quarters.
PICARD: Find him. Get him up here.
WORF: Yes, sir.

[Crew quarters]

(Worf barges into a private room where Okona is in the middle of kissing another woman)
WORF: You will come with me to the main Bridge.
OKONA: I'm sure it can wait a few minutes.
WORF: Now!
(Okona invades his personal space)
WORF: I'd like that. But I have my orders.
OKONA: Some other time. (to the woman) Remember what it took to drag me from your arms.

[Turbolift]

OKONA: Am I going to meet Captain Picard?
WORF: Definitely.
OKONA: Did I say something funny?

[Bridge]

WORF: Captain Picard, this is Thadium Okona.
PICARD: Mister Okona, you were welcomed aboard without any undue investigation. In turn it was assumed that you did not come under false pretenses. It now seems that you may have done.
OKONA: Captain, if you mean my socialising with the members of the crew?
PICARD: Mister Okona, you are free to socialise with the members of my crew. I'm talking about a man named Debin.
OKONA: He's from Atlec. I've had dealings with some of his family.
PICARD: Then perhaps you can explain why his craft is threatening to attack us unless I give him custody of you.
OKONA: I can't.
PICARD: Then tell me why Kushell of the planet Straleb is demanding the same thing?
OKONA: He's here also?
PICARD: And quite adamant. Mister Okona, what crimes are you accused of?
OKONA: I am not a criminal.
PICARD: Why do these men want you?
OKONA: I can't say.
PICARD: They're threatening to attack the Enterprise.
OKONA: That would be crazy. They wouldn't stand a chance.
PICARD: Right. Then you can offer no reason why they are set on this provocative course?
OKONA: I can't think of one right now.
PICARD: On viewer.
WORF: Which ship?
PICARD: What? The first on. Captain Debin. Captain, let me ask you again. What are Okona's crimes?
DEBIN [on viewscreen]: That is not your concern.
PICARD: It is if you wish me to release him to you.
DEBIN [on viewscreen]: All right, you want to know what he did? You want to know why I have chased him across this system? All right. Here, This is his crime.
(He goes off screen and returns leading a very pregnant young woman)
DEBIN [on viewscreen]: He dishonoured my daughter. He took advantage of her, then he ran off and left her carrying his bastard child. He'll return, and he'll do the right thing or I'll hunt him to the ends of the galaxy.

Captain's log, supplemental. Some of the mystery surrounding this ancient morality play we've been dragged into has been revealed. One of Captain Okona's pursuers is an outraged father with a heartfelt, if arcane, sense of righteousness.

[Bridge]

PICARD: Your advice, Counsellor.
TROI: We are dealing with ancient codes involving procreation. While they may be meaningless to us, to Debin they represent his honour. He will fight, risking himself, his crew, his daughter and her unborn child.
OKONA: You know, Captain, your Counsellor's right. He will fight.
WORF: The captain of the other ship is demanding to be heard.
PICARD: I don't suppose you can give me any indication why this man wants you?
(Okona sighs and shakes his head)
PICARD: Let's put all this together. Lieutenant Worf, multiple image, full conference mode. Let them all see each other.
WORF: Yes, sir.
KUSHELL [on viewscreen]: Here you are, Debin, trying to save this criminal.
DEBIN [on viewscreen]: My purpose is not your concern.
KUSHELL [on viewscreen]: It is if it involves Okona.
PICARD: Gentlemen, please, let's try and resolve this matter. Captain Kushell, what crime has Okona allegedly committed against you?
KUSHELL [on viewscreen]: He is a thief. He stole the Jewel of Thesia. A national heritage.
DEBIN [on viewscreen]: A thing. An item. My case involves the victimisation of my daughter, and my honour. I'll have Okona now.
KUSHELL [on viewscreen]: He is mine.
OKONA: One at a time. Who accuses me of stealing?
KUSHELL [on viewscreen]: I do. My son Benzan and I.
BENZAN [on viewscreen]: Father, please.
KUSHELL [on viewscreen]: He used you to become my friend.
DEBIN [on viewscreen]: He used my daughter.
KUSHELL [on viewscreen]: He used my son to plunder a national treasure.
WORF: Mute.
PICARD: Terminate communications. Come with me.

[Ready room]

OKONA: Captain, you can't be afraid of those two or what they can do to your ship.
PICARD: No, they could fire until their lasers ran dry and they wouldn't hurt the Enterprise. My predicament is what to do with you. OKONA: I'm sorry. I'm sorry my ship broke down. I'm sorry you stopped to help. I'm sorry you're involved. But you're right. Whatever happens, however it goes, someone gets hurt. Hand me over to Kushell, and Debin goes to war.
PICARD: And if I hand you over to Debin, then it's the same thing.
OKONA: I wish I could. I wish I could make it easier.
PICARD: I'm sure you do.
OKONA: I'm not going to apologise for the way I am or how I live my life, but just for the record, I did not steal the Jewel of Thesia. I am not a criminal, Captain. And as to the other business, that's between me and Yanar, no one else.
PICARD: In truth, I simply do not have authority in this matter. I'm not your judge, nor is it my duty to arbitrate. But you are in my custody, and that creates the dilemma.
OKONA: How about this? Do what you said. Fix my guidance system and let me leave.
PICARD: According to Starfleet regulations, that would be my only course of action. But their ships are faster than yours. I'm not doing you a favour.
OKONA: Captain, with all due respect, that's not your concern. Besides, I can take care of myself.

[Engineering]

OKONA: You're quite a craftsman, Lieutenant La Forge. How soon?
LAFORGE: What's the rush? I thought you liked it here.
OKONA: I did. It stopped liking me. Time to disappear.
WESLEY: Where will you go?
OKONA: What?
WESLEY: I said, where will you go?
OKONA: A new place, if I make it.
WESLEY: Don't you ever stay anywhere?
OKONA: Not for long.
WESLEY: I couldn't be like that.
OKONA: Oh?
WESLEY: I mean, always being alone. Commander Riker says you choose to live the way you do and you like it.
OKONA: Is that what he says?
WESLEY: Yeah. It would be difficult for me to be leaving all the time. I'd miss my friends, the people I love. I guess leaving's gotten easy for you.
OKONA: I seem to have a way of using up a place.
WESLEY: I wasn't talking about a place.
OKONA: I know. I know what you were talking about. 
LAFORGE: It's ready. You should be able to install this in roughly five minutes.
OKONA: Like you said, Geordi, what's the rush? I have some friends around here. I think it's time to make a stand.

[Bridge]

PICARD: Mister Okona.
OKONA: Captain, I've decided not to leave.
PICARD: Oh.
OKONA: Don't worry, I'm not staying either.
PICARD: Just what are your plans, Mister Okona?
OKONA: I've decided to surrender myself.
RIKER: To which one?
OKONA: There's really only one option.
PICARD: Viewer on. Gentlemen, communicating like this is very distracting. I suggest that we beam you up to the Enterprise and we resolve this face to face.
KUSHELL [on viewscreen]: Excellent.
DEBIN [on viewscreen]: Agreed.
RIKER: Leave your weapons behind. Let's keep this civilised.
PICARD: Number One, you have the Bridge. Counsellor Troi, would you accompany me to deck fourteen conference room. Worf, see to our guests.
WORF: Aye, sir.

[Transporter room]

(The fathers and children are beamed aboard together)
ROBINSON: They have no weapons.
WORF: This way.

[Conference room]

(No big table, just a few comfortable chairs scattered around)
DEBIN: Okona, you are without shame.
KUSHELL: For once I agree with Debin. You are without shame. I trusted you. My son treated you like a brother. And then to steal from us. I want him now.
DEBIN: No, he's coming with me. Captain, my complaint was registered first.
PICARD: Now please, please, be calm. Lieutenant, thank you.
(Worf leaves)
OKONA: Everyone is talking about me, and no one's talking to me. You all believe that I stole the jewel, and that it was I who fathered the child.
DEBIN: You dare call my daughter a liar?
OKONA: And now I'm offered these two choices, and given these two options, condemnation as a thief or marriage to the beautiful Yanar. I will take the more pleasant sentence. I will take Yanar as my wife.
BENZAN: No! You can't!
KUSHELL: My son is right. You can't escape that way.
BENZAN: That's not what I mean.
DEBIN: It's not up to you, or to Okona. I've been dishonoured. I will decide.
YANAR: Wait. Since all of you believe Okona is the father of this child, then so be it. I'll marry you.
BENZAN: No! You can't.
YANAR: Yes, I can.
KUSHELL: Okona is still a thief.
BENZAN: No, he's not. Nothing has been stolen. The Jewel of Thesia has been taken into custody by its rightful heir. Me. I was to give it to Yanar as our pledge of marriage.
KUSHELL: Marriage?
BENZAN: Yanar is carrying my child.
DEBIN: You said it was Okona's.
YANAR: If I'd told you it was Benzan you would have gone to war with his father. So I let you believe it was Okona.
OKONA: See how a man gets a reputation?
BENZAN: If I had told you I was giving the Jewel to Debin's daughter, you'd have disowned me.
TROI: Now we're hearing some truth.
KUSHELL: So you let me chase Okona when you knew he was innocent.
BENZAN: Yes, because I didn't believe for one moment that you could catch him.
OKONA: Well, said. He never would have.
BENZAN: And once Yanar accepted the Jewel the marriage would have been made.
YANAR: Well, I never got it.
KUSHELL: Then Okona does have the jewel.
OKONA: I never had the chance to deliver it.
YANAR: Anyway it's too late. I won't marry Benzan.
DEBIN: Then you'll marry Okona.
YANAR: I won't marry anyone!

[Outside Holodeck]

DATA: I have reinstated the same programme.
GUINAN: Along with some new jokes, I hope.
COMPUTER: Programme complete. Enter when ready.

[Charnock's Comedy Cabaret]

DATA: Comic, continue.
COMIC: More freebies, huh? No cover, no minimum, just Comic, continue? Tell me, Data, what happened?
DATA: I told a joke.
COMIC: And?
DATA: No one laughed.
COMIC: No one? Nobody in the whole room?
GUINAN: I was the whole room.
DATA: She said I spoiled the joke.
GUINAN: Actually, killed would have been a better word.
COMIC: You know, Data, I think I know what your problem is. You should always try out new material on an audience.
GUINAN: You know, he could be right. Perhaps an audience is what you need.
DATA: Computer. Programme an audience appropriate to this venue.
(And the room is full of people at the tables)

[Conference room]

OKONA: Yanar. You're angry at the embarrassment of all this, and maybe the timing and the approach is not the most romantic, but I know you love Benzan and I don't want to see you throw away that feeling just because your parents have been quarrelling for years and don't know how to behave properly. I've carried your messages back and forth for almost six months. I've smuggled each of you into the other's homeland. You feel for him the same way he feels for you.
(Yanar walks over to Benzan)
YANAR: I do love you. It is your child. Our child.
BENZAN: Marry me.
YANAR: Yes.
(Okona throws the Jewel to Benzan, who catches it and gives it to Yanar)
BENZAN: We'll find a new planet to live on.
KUSHELL: You'll live on Straleb.
DEBIN: No, no, no, no no. You'll live on Atlec.
KUSHELL: I will not have this man raising my grandson.
PICARD: The rest of this is an issue, gentlemen, to be settled between yourselves. Now if you will excuse us, we have business.
YANAR: Thank you, Captain.
DEBIN: Your grandson?
KUSHELL: My grandson.

[Charnock's Comedy Cabaret]

(The spot light comes on, the drum rolls and the Comic bounces out onto the stage)
COMIC: Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for coming, folks. We got a great show for you tonight. I'm so excited this evening. Tonight I have for you the funny man of the stars, the android of antics, that Lieutenant Commander of mirth. Please give him a nice welcome, ladies and gentlemen, none other than. He's just the best. Data!
(Dressed in a tuxedo, and carrying Groucho's cigar, Data comes on to rapturous applause)
DATA: Good evening ladies and germs. (laughter - mimes a golf swing with his cigar - laughter) I come from a town so small, we had a fraction for a zip code. (laughter)
GUINAN: You made a living doing this?
COMIC: Yes, I did.
DATA: It was so small in fact we didn't have a godfather of crime, we had a nephew. (laughter)
(The Comic gives Data the thumbs up. He copies him and gets laughter) I was so ugly as a child they hung a pork chop around my neck (laughter) so the dog would play with me. (the penny drops) And then there was the human cannonball who was hired and fired in the same night. Audience programme off. Discontinue Comic.
(Guinan walks out onto the stage)
DATA: It was a holodeck audience. They were programmed to laugh at everything. Perhaps I should reprogram the audience to display a more accurate response.
GUINAN: Data, let me give you one. Being able to make people laugh, or being able to laugh, is not the end all and be all of being human.
DATA: No, but there is nothing more uniquely human.

[Bridge]

RIKER: Hold your speed, Captain Okona. Disengage.
WESLEY: Separated.
OKONA [on viewscreen]: I'm under my own power now. Thank you, Enterprise. Thank you, Captain Picard.
PICARD: Goodbye, Captain Okona.
WESLEY: Bye, Captain Okona. Say goodbye, Data.
DATA: Goodbye, Data.
(The old ones are still the best)
DATA: Was that funny? Accessing. Ah. Burns and Allen, Roxy Theater, New York City, 1932. It still works. Then there was the one about the girl in the nudist colony that nothing looked good on?
WORF: We're ready to get underway, sir.
DATA: Take my Worf. Please.
RIKER: Warp speed, sir?
PICARD: Please.