A Fistful of Datas
Stardate: 46271.5
Original Airdate: 9 Nov, 1992

Captain's log, stardate 46271.5. The Enterprise has entered orbit of Deinonychus Seven, but our scheduled rendezvous with the supply ship Biko has been delayed for another forty eight hours. In the meantime, many members of the crew are taking advantage of the delay to pursue their own projects, myself included.

[Picard's quarters]

(Picard has dug out his Ressikan flute)
PICARD: Computer, stop playback. Change the clarinet to an oboe. Continue recording.
(doorbell)
PICARD: Computer, pause playback. Come.
(Data and La Forge enter)
PICARD: Yes, gentlemen?
LAFORGE: Captain we'd like your permission to take the Engineering computer offline for a couple of hours. We're working on a new interface that would allow Data to act as an emergency backup in the event of a ship-wide systems failure.
DATA: In theory, my neural network should be able to sustain key systems until primary control is restored.
PICARD: It sounds like an intriguing experiment. I'll be interested to see the results. Permission granted.
LAFORGE: It's possible we may even be able to run secondary systems through Data. Weapons control, sensor arrays.
PICARD: Yes, I get the idea, Mister La Forge. Thank you. Please proceed.
(Data and La Forge leave)
PICARD: Computer, begin playback from the first measure.
(doorbell)
PICARD: Computer, pause recording. Come.
(Beverly enters)
CRUSHER: Jean-Luc, I need to talk to you about Something for Breakfast.
PICARD: Breakfast?
CRUSHER: The play.
PICARD: Ah, yes. Well, it's a very intriguing drama, but I really don't have the time it would take to learn a part. And anyway, I'm not much of an actor.
CRUSHER: That's no problem.
PICARD: Oh?
CRUSHER: Well, you wouldn't be playing one of the leads.
PICARD: Oh.
CRUSHER: It's a very small part. Only two lines.
PICARD: Really.
CRUSHER: You play the butler.
PICARD: Well, I'll think about it and let you know.
CRUSHER: You would be wonderful, Jean-Luc. We're rehearsing today at one thirty.
(Crusher leaves)
PICARD: Computer, begin playback from the first measure.
(doorbell)
PICARD: Computer, pause recording. Yes?
(Worf enters)
WORF: Captain, I am sorry to interrupt.
PICARD: No, please, Mister Worf, come in.
WORF: I was hoping to take advantage of the Biko's delay by staging shipwide security drills. I have planned a tentative schedule.
PICARD: Oh yes, this is very impressive, Mister Worf. But we'll be taking on new personnel at Starbase one eighteen in a few weeks. Surely the drills can wait until then.
WORF: In that case, I will use the time to perform maintenance checks on the forward phaser array.
PICARD: Mister Worf, is there some reason why you're trying to give yourself more work?
WORF: No, sir. I simply wish to use the extra time
PICARD: Enjoy yourself. You have the free time. Use it.
WORF: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
(Worf leaves)
PICARD: Computer, continue recording and playback once more. From the top.

[Worf's quarters]

(Alexander is lying on the floor playing a computer game when Worf comes home)
ALEXANDER: Father! What did he say?
WORF: The Captain saw fit to release me from my duties.
ALEXANDER: You mean you can go?
WORF: I can go.
ALEXANDER: Saddle up, Father.
(Alexander puts a stetson on Worf's head)

[Deadwood, main street]

(two figures walk into town, spurs a-jingling. They are wearing badges)
WORF: Where are we?
ALEXANDER: Deadwood. Nineteenth century Earth. The Ancient West.
WORF: What is our function here?
ALEXANDER: You're the Sheriff and I'm the deputy.
WORF: So, we are in law enforcement.
ALEXANDER: Right.

[Engineering]

(La Forge is plugging a cable into an interface)
DATA: Geordi, I have noticed that you have not shaved. Are you attempting to grow another beard?
LAFORGE: As a matter of fact, I am, Data. What do you think?
DATA: As is the case with many natural growth processes, it is difficult to envision the end product based on an intermediate stage.
LAFORGE: You're right. Give it a few more days.
(La Forge plugs the other ends of the cable into Data's head)
LAFORGE: Okay, I'm going to need to access your auxiliary inputs.
DATA: One moment.
(Data taps the back of his head and another panel opens up)
LAFORGE: I must admit, Data, I never get used to seeing you like this.
DATA: I do not understand. You are constantly working on similar electronic systems, yet their appearances do not disturb you.
LAFORGE: But you're not just another electronic system.
DATA: Thank you, Geordi. Nor are you just another biological organism.
LAFORGE: All right, that should do it. Are you ready?
DATA: Yes. Establishing computer linkup. Interface complete.
LAFORGE: All right, let's see what you can do.

[Deadwood, main street]

(a woman in a state of extreme undress whistles at Worf from a balcony)
WORF: You wrote this holodeck programme yourself?
ALEXANDER: Well, Mister Barclay helped a little.
WORF: I must have a little talk with Mister Barclay.
(the sound of a gunshot)

[Gold Strike saloon]

(the piano player is doing his best, the poker players are ignoring it, and someone is shooting up a wanted poster of Eli Hollander)
ELI: If I ever find the varmint who drew this, he'll be sorry he ever put pen to paper. I'm ten times uglier than that, ain't I?
(the Mexican laughs)
ELI: Shut up. You laugh so much, it's a wonder you ain't got flies in your mouth.
BANDITO: You're a very funny man, Senor Eli.
(Worf and Alexander enter)
ALEXANDER: That's the bad guy. His name's Eli Hollander. They call him the Butcher of Bozeman. He's killed twenty three men. He's the meanest and the toughest gunslinger in the West. You have to watch him. He's fast.
WORF: So I am here to apprehend him?
ALEXANDER: If you can.
WORF: You are under arrest.
ELI: Is that so.
(Worf punches him in the face)
WORF: You will come with me.
ALEXANDER: No, no, no. Computer, freeze programme.
WORF: What is wrong?
ALEXANDER: That was too easy. It has to be harder to beat the bad guys. Otherwise, it's no fun. Computer, increase programme difficulty to level four. Go back to where my father and I first walked into the saloon. Come on, Father.
(Alexander and Worf leave)
ELI: If I ever find the varmint who drew this, he'll be sorry he ever put pen to paper. I'm ten times uglier than that, ain't I?
(the Mexican laughs)
ELI: Shut up. You laugh so much, it's a wonder you ain't got flies in your mouth.
BANDITO: You're a very funny man, Senor Eli.
(Worf and Alexander enter. This time the piano player stops, and the poker players get up and leave)
WORF: Where are they going?
ALEXANDER: They don't want to get hit by the bullets.
WORF: You are under arrest.
ELI: Well, looks like Sheriff Worf's here to arrest me. That don't sound like a bright idea.
(Eli has gone to the bar, the Mexican is over on Worf's left)
ELI: Do it?
WORF: You have been accused of committing a homicide.
ELI: If you mean murder, then I guess I'm guilty. I've killed twenty three men, Sheriff. One more ain't going to make much of a difference. Of course, shooting someone as ugly as you couldn't be considered a crime, could it? Was you just born that way, or did your momma marry an armadillo?
(a man behind Worf picks up a chair)
ALEXANDER: Sheriff, look out!
(Worf is hit by the chair, but just turns and thumps his attacker. Then he punches out the Mexican.)
WORF: I'm beginning to see the appeal of this programme.
ELI: Don't twitch a whisker, Sheriff, unless you want a shave. (his gun is drawn) Okay, boys. Saddle up. But first, get their money and jewellry.
WORF: You are a murderer and a thief.
ELI: A man's got to make a living.
(Eli's hat it blown off by a gunshot from the doorway)
TROI: I suggest you find a new line of work.
ALEXANDER: I asked Counsellor Troi to join us. She loves Western stories.
ELI: You'll regret this, stranger.
(Eli twirls his pistol back and forth before holstering it.)

[Engineering]

DATA: I am now attempting to access the long range sensor array.
LAFORGE: Forward sensor array coming online. We're getting a clear scan.
DATA: I will perform a routine maintenance check on the starboard inertial damping system.
LAFORGE: Dampers online. Maintenance check in progress. Data, I think we're on to something here. Let's see what you can do with secondary systems. Try gravitational control.
DATA: Initiating gravitational
(Data twitches)
LAFORGE: What's wrong?
DATA: There appears to be an energy fluctuation in my neural net. I am disconnecting my interface to the computer. Interface deactivated.
LAFORGE: You all right?
DATA: I have experienced a brief power surge in my positronic subprocessor. But I am fine.
LAFORGE: (disconnecting Data) Maybe the interface coding isn't as stable than we thought. Looks like we've got a couple of hours of systems analysis before we can try this again. Let's check the interface programming.
(Data picks up a tricorder, flips it over, then pushes it down into his 'holster')

[Sheriff's office ]

(Eli is in the jail)
WORF: What are his rights in this century? Is there be a trial or shall I execute him?
ALEXANDER: We're supposed to hold him until the US Marshal comes, and then we'll take him to Rapid City for a trial.
ELI: Frankly, I don't think I'll be around here that long. Not after my old man hears about this.
WORF: What old man are you referring to?
ELI: My pa. When he breaks me out of this tin can, the gravedigger'll be working overtime.
ALEXANDER: Your pa's no match for Sheriff Worf.
WORF: Yes. When your pa comes, we will be ready for him.
TROI: (lighting a cigar) He's right. You're no match for the Hollanders.
WORF: I am sure the three of us can handle any problems.
TROI: Hold on. I was just passing through town, saw a little trouble, thought I'd lend a hand. But I ain't one of your deputies, Sheriff.
WORF: Counsellor, I would appreciate some support in this matter.
TROI: Durango. I'm called Durango.
WORF: Yes, er, Counsellor Durango, perhaps you would consider becoming a temporary deputy?
TROI: For a price. Five hundred dollars.
WORF: Alexander we require large amounts of currency.
ALEXANDER: Yes, sir. I'll go to the bank and make a withdrawal.
(Alexander leaves)
WORF: Deanna, how do you know so much about this period in Earth's history?
TROI: My father used to read me stories from the Ancient West when I was a little girl. I must admit, I always wanted to play the part of the mysterious stranger.
(the saloon owner, a buxom middle-aged woman, enters and kisses Worf)
ANNIE: You are so brave, facing down that evil man like you did.
WORF: Why hank you. Miss?
ANNIE: Annie, you big galoot. You best not forget that tonight, 'cos I'm going to make you beef steak and some gooseberry cobbler for dessert.
TROI: Sounds delicious.
ANNIE: And I bought some special candles for the table setting. Pure beeswax.
WORF: I will not be able to come this evening. I have a prisoner.
TROI: I'll watch him for you, Sheriff. You two go have a good time.
WORF: That's very considerate of you, but I would be negligent in my duties if I did not stay. I am sorry, Miss Annie.
ANNIE: It's another woman, ain't it? It's that floozy down there at Miss Langford's house of pleasure.
WORF: Who?
(Annie slaps Worf's face and leaves)
ELI: You sure got a way with women, Sheriff.

[Picard's quarters]

PICARD: Computer, activate Picard Mozart trio, programme one. Play back tracks one, two and three. Tempo allegro.
(it starts up with the music Picard was recording at the start of the show, then changes to Dvorak's The Slavonic Dances.)
PICARD: Computer, stop playback. Computer identify musical composition.
COMPUTER: Picard Mozart trio, programme one.

[Rehearsal room]

CRUSHER: Okay, let's work through Act two from the beginning. Whenever you're ready.
(Riker mimes entering through a door, then reads from his PADD)
RIKER: Felis catus, is your taxonomic nomenclature. An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
CRUSHER: Hold it. Will, what are you reading?
RIKER: The lines. Why?
CRUSHER: That's not the right dialogue.
(She takes his PADD)
CRUSHER: Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses contribute to
RIKER: I recognise it. This is Data's poetry.
CRUSHER: What? The play's gone. I just keep getting more poetry.

[Engineering]

(Geordi has the PADDs in pieces)
LAFORGE: Well, the PADDs are functioning normally. It seems to be a problem with the information retrieval net. Somehow when you tried to call up your play, the computer accessed Data's literary files.
DATA: Geordi, perhaps this problem is related to our interface experiment.
LAFORGE: We'd better run a level two diagnostic on the computer. See if this problem has spread to any other systems.
DATA: And I will perform a self-diagnostic.
LAFORGE: That's a good idea.
CRUSHER: You will let me know if you find the play?
LAFORGE: Oh yeah, don't worry. It's in here somewhere.

[Deadwood street]

(Alexander is coming back along the board walk with a bag of money, when he is grabbed)


[Mine workings]

BANDITO: We got him, jefe.
DATA-FRANK: Where's my boy?
ALEXANDER: I'm not supposed to be kidnapped now. Computer, freeze programme! Hey, Computer, freeze programme.
BANDITO: You want us to kill him, Senor Frank?
DATA-FRANK: No. He's more valuable to us alive.


[Data's quarters]

DATA: Feline supplement one hundred twenty seven. Spot, I have formulated a new mixture of foods specifically designed for your highly selective tastes.
(but Spot runs away from the bowl of food)
DATA: I find it extremely difficult to predict what you will find acceptable. Perhaps hunger will compel you to try it again.
(Data goes to his desk, and Spot jumps on to it)
DATA: Spot, you are disrupting my ability to work.
(He puts Spot on the floor, but she jumps up again)
DATA: Vamoose, you little varmint.

[Gold Strike saloon]

ANNIE: What'll it be?
WORF: I was looking for my deputy. Perhaps you have seen him.
ANNIE: Nope. What'll you have?
WORF: Klingon fire wine.
ANNIE: This ain't Kansas City. We ain't got none of that fancy European stuff here. Maybe I should get you a sherry. Ain't that is what they serve at Miss Langford's? It is, ain't it? Ain't it?
(Frank, the Mexican and an outlaw enter. The piano playing stops)
DATA-FRANK: Howdy, Sheriff.
WORF: Commander, what are you doing here?
DATA-FRANK: The name is Frank Hollander. What are you smiling at?
WORF: Nothing. Nothing at all, Mister Hollander. What is it you want?
DATA-FRANK: My boy.
WORF: That is impossible. Your son is to stand trial for murder.
DATA-FRANK: Well then, we'll just have to work something out. Is there anything you want in exchange for my boy?
WORF: You have nothing I want.
DATA-FRANK: Is that so? Is that so? What about your deputy?
WORF: What about him? Where is he? I do not negotiate with criminals. Your son will stand trial.
(Data grabs Worf's shoulder as he walks past, hurting him)
DATA-FRANK: Not so fast.
WORF: Commander, what are you doing?
DATA-FRANK: I ain't in the mood for games, Sheriff.
WORF: Data? Commander? Computer, freeze programme.
DATA-FRANK: I wouldn't walk out that door if I was you, Sheriff.
(So Worf dives out amid a hail of bullets from the Mexican and the outlaw)


[Sheriff's office]

(Troi is practicing her fast draw when Worf rushes in)
TROI: What's wrong?
WORF: The holodeck safeguards are not functioning. Alexander's in trouble.
TROI: My God, you've been shot! Computer, end programme. Troi to Captain Picard. Troi to Security.
WORF: There's another character in the programme. Hollander's father. And he looks like Commander Data.
(Troi uses her bandana to bind Worf's arm)
TROI: Data?
WORF: But it is not Data. I cannot explain. I believe he has taken Alexander.
DATA-ELI: Oh, now isn't that a shame? Poor Sheriff's been injured. What's the matter? Was my pa a little too rough on you?
TROI: Data?
DATA-ELI: What?
TROI: Why is the computer creating characters that look like Data?
WORF: Where have they taken my son? Where is he?
DATA-ELI: Temper, temper, Sheriff. My pa ain't going to like if I come home all bruised.
TROI: Worf, wait. We have to remember, even though the holodeck safeguards may be off, this is still a programme. If we can just get to the end of this story the way it was designed to play out, the programme will automatically terminate.
WORF: You are right. I will begin by speaking to the people of this town. Perhaps someone witnessed Alexander's abduction.

Captain's log, supplemental. Commander La Forge and Mister Data believe they have found the cause of the mysterious malfunctions which have been plaguing the ship.

[Observation lounge]

LAFORGE: We think our interface experiment may have caused one of the computer's core subroutines to be altered.
DATA: When the interface malfunction occurred, subroutine C forty seven was replaced by elements from my personal programming.
RIKER: What does C forty seven control?
LAFORGE: Library computer access, replicator selection, recreational programming. No critical systems.
DATA: That would explain why your music composition programme began playing The Slavonic Dances. I have been analysing the collected works of Antonin Dvorak.
LAFORGE: It's the same with Doctor Crusher's play, and with the food replicators.
RIKER: The replicators on decks four through nine are producing nothing but cat food.
PICARD: Cat food?
DATA: I have been formulating nutritional supplements for Spot.
PICARD: When can you correct the problem?
DATA: We are currently attempting to isolate the corrupt circuit pathways. I reckon the process should take less then two hours.
PICARD: What did you say?
DATA: I said the process should take less than two hours.
RIKER: No, you said I reckon.
DATA: According to my memory log, I did not use those words. Ya'll must be mistaken.
LAFORGE: There, Data, you did it again.
DATA: Did whut?
PICARD: Mister La Forge, perhaps you should take Mister Data to Engineering. See if you can find the problem.
LAFORGE: Aye, sir.
(Data walks with a cowhand's roll, and spits in the plant in the corner)


[Sheriff's office]

(in the cell, Eli is shuffling cards with Data's speed)
DATA-ELI: Can I help you with somethin?
(there's a knock at the door. Troi lets Worf in)
WORF: I spoke to several witnesses who saw Alexander being abducted as he was leaving the bank by one of Hollander's men. We must begin a systematic search of the town.
TROI: Worf, we've got another problem. I saw Eli playing cards. He was shuffling the way Data does when he plays poker. He doesn't just look like Data, he has Data's abilities. Which means his father probably does also.
(another knock at the door. Troi gets her Winchester and Worf his pistol, then lets in)
DATA-FRANK: I've came to see my boy.
WORF: Remove your weapon.
(he does)
DATA-FRANK: Better take a good look at that gun, Sheriff. You might be seeing it again real soon.
DATA-ELI: Pa?
DATA-FRANK: Eli! How are they treating you, boy?
DATA-ELI: Real bad, pa. They ain't fed me since I got here and the Sheriff's been roughin up on me somethin fierce.
DATA-FRANK: Don't you worry, boy. The Sheriff's going to pay. Who's the stranger?
DATA-ELI: Don't know. She ain't said her name. But she's in cahoots with the Sheriff and she's mighty mean with that Winchester.
DATA-FRANK: You sit tight, boy. I'll have you home in time for supper. I'm going to give you one more opportunity, Sheriff, to avoid a ugly situation. Release my boy.
WORF: I have reconsidered your offer. I will release your son in exchange for my deputy.
DATA-FRANK: I thought you might have a change of heart. Meet me in two hours. You be in front of the saloon. I'll be in front of the livery station. Strangers ain't invited.
WORF: Agreed.
(Worf gives Frank his gun back and he leaves)
TROI: In every Western I've ever read, the villains always break their word. he can't be trusted.
WORF: But we have made an honourable agreement.
TROI: They're not concerned with honour, Worf. This is the Ancient West. There's a gunfighter out there who has the speed and accuracy of an android. And in two hours, he's going to try to kill you.

[Engineering]

(Geordi is working on Data's head)
RIKER: Mister Data.
DATA: Howdy, Commander.
RIKER: Geordi, what have you found?
DATA: Well, we figure part of my memory structure (normally) was replaced with information from the computer's recreational data base.
LAFORGE: Specifically, the files relating to the nineteenth century American West.
RIKER: That would explain the accent.
DATA: You got it, partner.
RIKER: This is a result of the experimental interface?
LAFORGE: I'm afraid so. But we've initiated a progressive memory purge to restore Data's programming to its original state. He should be back to normal in a couple of hours.
RIKER: And what about the computer's recreational data base?
LAFORGE: We started a memory purge there as well. It'll take another hour, maybe two.
DATA: Commander. You just sit tight. We'll have this all fixed up in time for supper.
RIKER: Good.

[Sheriff's office]

(Worf is working on his tactics)
WORF: I will be positioned here, at the eastern end of the street. Frank Hollander says he will approach from this end. When he reaches this point, he will be within range.
TROI: Understood. What about Alexander?
WORF: There's a rain barrel in front of the saloon. It should be enough to stop the bullets.
(knocking at the door)
ANNIE: You would not believe what I went through to get old man Newsom to give up his telegraph machine.
(Worf looks the morse code transmitter over)
WORF: Excellent.
ANNIE: Lord knows why I keep risking my life for you, Sheriff.
(Troi signals Worf to respond)
WORF: Oh, yes. Thank you, Miss Annie. I am in your debt.
(the clock chimes four)
(now it is five fifteen)
WORF: I have connected the communicator's energy cell to serve as the power source.
TROI: How long will the field last?
WORF: No more than fifteen seconds. It is highly unstable.
TROI: Let's hope it's enough.

[Deadwood street]

(Eli and Worf walk out onto the street. The shopkeeper closes up and pulls down his blinds. The sun is on their right. Frank and Alexander appear at the other end of the street. Alexander is sent forward. then Eli. The Mexican and the outlaw now look like Data as well, and come out of their hiding places. Eli and Alexander cross in the middle of the street, then - )
DATA-FRANK: Eli, get down!
WORF: Alexander!
(Alexander runs for cover in the saloon, Worf switches on his personal forcefield and Frank fires, emptying his pistol for nothing. The forcefield switches off)
(Troi gets the drop on the outlaw)
TROI: Don't even think about it.
DATA-MEXICAN: Senor Frank!
(and throws Frank another pistol. We watch it in slow motion, and just as Frank catches and starts to aim it, Worf shoots it out of his hand. The Mexican goes into hiding again.)
DATA-FRANK: Go ahead. Shoot me.
WORF: Do not show your face in this town again.
DATA-FRANK: Let's go.

[Gold Strike saloon]

ALEXANDER: Father!
WORF: Are you all right?
ALEXANDER: Yes.
WORF: End programme.
TROI: I don't understand this. The story should be over. What's left?
WORF: Computer, end programme.
DATA-ANNIE: Sheriff! You're as handy with a shooting iron as you are with a woman's heart.
WORF: (panic-stricken) Computer, end programme! Computer! Now!
(Annie hugs him, and the programme ends. Worf is visibly relieved)

Captain's log, stardate 46278.3. Both Commander Data and the ship's computer have been restored to normal operation. Our rendezvous with the supply ship Biko has proceeded as planned.

[Alexander's bedroom]

(Alexander looks asleep)
ALEXANDER: Father? After what happened I guess you'll never want to go back to the Ancient West.
WORF: The town of Deadwood may face danger once again. If they do, they will need a Sheriff and a deputy.
(Worf goes into the main room, puts on his stetson and tries a quick draw in front of the mirror. He smiles, and the Enterprise flies off into the sunset)

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