[Bridge]

(Protostar blasts out of 'warp' with everyone screaming.)
DAL: Jeez. How fast were we going?
POG: Around Warp 9 point... Pog's gonna puke...
ZERO: Proto-Drive has gone offline and inoperable. Slowing to impulse power.
GWYN: My father, is he...
DAL: We lost him.
ROK: But where are we?
JANEWAY: Computer, chart our trajectory. We began in the Delta Quadrant, and landed... hmm, 4,000 lightyears away?
POG: Huh? Ha, ha, nice try. No juiced-up starship in the galaxy's that fast. How is that even possible?
JANEWAY: I... I have no idea.

[Ready room]

(Playing that addictive Ktarian game from TNG's The Game.)
DAL: Come on. Almost, almost, almost.
ZERO: Dal, may we have a word?
(Rips off headset.)
DAL: Er, yeah, sure. Just doing... important captain stuff. What's on your mind? Or all of your minds?
POG: Er, well, we've been talking, and arguing, and er...
ROK: We want to go to the Federation.
DAL: The Federation? Can't we just enjoy our freedom a bit? We've just got away.
ZERO: And barely escaped with our lives. The Diviner is still out there.
POG: And we can't expect that Proto-Drive to save our hides if it ain't even workin'.
ROK: I'm scared, Dal. Maybe they can help us?
DAL: Maybe. Or maybe they'll arrest us for stealing a Starfleet ship.
POG: Ah, don't feed us that mudslop. We're refugees. They gotta understand.
DAL: So you all wanna go, even if your captain's completely against it?
POG: Ah, ah, ah. Self-appointed captain.
ZERO: Aside from you, it is unanimous.
DAL: Oh. Er, uh-uh, we haven't heard from Murf yet. Hey, er... where is Murf?
(Murf is apparently on an ice planet.)

[Protostar]

ROK: Murf? Where are you?
(Jefferies tube.)
ZERO: Murf?

[Sickbay]

DAL: Murf? Oh. Hmm. Well, er, I should probably go.
GWYN: Wait. I never thanked you for coming back for me. If you didn't, I might not have...
DAL: It's fine. Janeway wouldn't let us leave till we had everybody.
GWYN: Oh. Right.
DAL: Yeah, well... Well, er... we cleared a bunk for you, whenever you're feeling better.

[Holodeck]

POG: Short 'n' slimy, you in here? Whoa. What is this?
(The desolate ice planet. Murf rushes out through the open door as Dal enters.)
DAL: Janeway?
JANEWAY: Ah, Holodeck Program Andoria Four is up and running. Classic.
POG: Holo-whato?
JANEWAY: Holodeck. As in holographic simulation room. With thousands of unique programs, you can experience such stuff as dreams are made of.
DAL: Ah. It feels so real.
JANEWAY: Computer, end program.
POG: Huh?
JANEWAY: That's not all she can do. Wanna skydive on Ceti Alpha Five?
DAL: Huh?
(Falling through the clouds.)
JANEWAY: Fight in a kal-if-fee gladiatorial match?
(They run from the red-eyed creature.)
JANEWAY: Defeat Count Dracula? How about a Jane Eyre holo-novel? It's my personal favorite.
GENTLEMAN: Oh, Mister Poggy. You've arrived at our cotillion just in time. After postprandial canapés, we have a five-hour poetry recital...
POG: Ah, yeah.
GENTLEMAN: Then we'll watch Mister Bennett...
DAL: Hey. What about this? The Kobayashi Maru?
JANEWAY: An advanced Academy training module designed to test the greatest captains Starfleet has to offer.
DAL: Greatest captains?
POG: Oh, boy, here we go.
JANEWAY: Not sure you're quite ready for that one. How about your silly little cone and disk game instead? Little more your speed?
DAL: I think I can handle some little Starfleet test. Janeway, dismissed.
POG: What about the rest of the crew?
DAL: Nah. Once I ace this thing, they'll see I'm just as good as any Federation crony. Then they'll have to listen to their captain.
(Activates program - the bridge of the Enterprise D is generated.)
COMPUTER: You have chosen the Kobayashi Maru. Please select your desired crew.
DAL: This is gonna be fun.

[Cargo hold]

ROK: Hey, I found Murf. Better not be eating our Chimerium. Or the photon grenades? No, no, no, no, no. That's not food. Spit 'em out! That's not good.

[Sickbay]

ZERO: Curious. Your tibialis anterior has already healed. You are in perfect health, aside from low serotonin. Why have you not left sickbay?
GWYN: It's because I'm sad, Zero.
ZERO: Since I cannot read your mind, may I borrow a phrase Janeway taught me. A penny for your thoughts?
GWYN: I don't belong here. And after what happened with my father, I don't belong anywhere.
ZERO: I too felt the pain of loneliness when your father took me from my Medusan hive mind.
GWYN: I'm sorry. I didn't know. But I should have.
ZERO: But just as I found new purpose, you may as well, here, on our crew.
GWYN: Why would you need someone who speaks a few languages on a ship that can translate all of them?
ZERO: Ah. But language is more than translation. It is interpretation. I have struggled to interpret the things I've seen. Why the Diviner chose this ship over his own daughter.
GWYN: And you think I have the answers?
ZERO: No. But perhaps we could find out together.

[Stardate 43929.9. 17 years ago. Tars Lamora]

DREDNOK: You are growing weaker by the day.
SOLUM: We... will... find it.
DREDNOK: Many failed before. Years wasted. Even if The Protostar is here...
SOLUM: Then I will make a Progeny.
DREDNOK: No. We cannot defy The Order.
SOLUM: And if my species dies with me, what of The Order then?
DREDNOK: An offspring is a liability. Emotions can be exploited.
SOLUM: It is a chance! We are so close. Please, do this for me.
(Solum goes in the tank and DNA is extracted and nurtured.)
SOLUM: Gwyndala, you are my blood. You are my spirit's song. And when I fall, you will rise to replace me. There is no barrier we cannot overcome. For we are Vau N'Akat.

[Holodeck]

POG: What about this JT Kirk guy?
DAL: I'm pretty sure we already have a captain on board. Computer, just give me some of the best you got.
COMPUTER: Acknowledged. Populating crew. Communications Officer Uhura.
UHURA: All decks standing by, sir.
COMPUTER: Chief Medical Officer Beverly Crusher.
CRUSHER: Looks like you could use some help, Captain.
COMPUTER: Chief of Security Odo.
ODO: Huh.
COMPUTER: And Science Officer Spock.
SPOCK: Request permission to come aboard.
DAL: I like this guy. You should take notes, Jankom. Permission granted. This is gonna be easy. What's the sitch here?
SPOCK: Outpost Two coming into sensor range, Captain. I have a blip on the motion sensor, Captain.
UHURA: Captain, I'm getting something on the distress channel.
DAL: Now we're talking. Put her through.
CAPTAIN [OC]: Imperative. This is the Kobayashi Maru. We have struck a gravitic mine and have lost all power. We have sustained many casualties.
POG: What a bunch of whiners.
CRUSHER: Sir, that ship is located in Gamma Hydra Section Ten.
SPOCK: The Neutral Zone.
DAL: Okay. What's the big deal?
CRUSHER: Look, the Neutral Zone is all that separates the Federation from the Klingons. No one is allowed in.
SPOCK: Entry into which by either side would constitute an act of war.
CRUSHER: I'm reading 87 lives, Captain, shields failing, hull breach imminent. They're running out of time!
DAL: Er... Quick show of hands. Does anyone know these people?
ODO: Excuse me? What does it matter?
DAL: So nobody then. Okay, this one's easy. Reverse course and warp us outta here.
POG: You heard the Cap. Back it up.
CRUSHER: Not acceptable. Their very lives hang on what we do.
SPOCK: Or on what this vessel fails to do.
POG: All good points.
DAL: Everybody, everybody, calm down. I'm in command, so I'm allowed to...
UHURA: I don't care whether it's allowed or not. I will not do it.
ODO: You can order me all you want. As of now, I'm resigning my commission.
POG: Ooo. Let's do that. Yes, mutiny. Yes. Mutiny. Mutiny. Mutiny.
DAL: No. Sheez. Everybody cool it. Oh, fine. Change course for the Neutral Zone.
ODO: That's not good enough. We may very well start a war.
DAL: But you just told me to go in there.
ODO: We have two Klingon ships closing aft of us. They're in 136 mark 4.
DAL: What the... where'd they come from?
UHURA: Battle stations. All hands, battle stations.
SPOCK: We are surrounded. Photon torpedoes locking on target.
(Dal grabs Pog as they both scream.)
COMPUTER: Simulation complete.
DAL: Simulation. Right.
POG: Ho, ho. Jankom Pog knew the whole time.
COMPUTER: Captain assessment score 3%. Leadership 2%. Judgment 0.1%.
DAL: Oh, come on.
POG: Jankom Pog is gonna blast this out to the others.
DAL: So my crew never respects me again? No. I can do this. Boot it back up.

[Engineering]

GWYN: Why would my father need a ship with an engine this powerful?
ZERO: And why was our advisor so shocked by its capabilities?
GWYN: Maybe we should go to the source. Janeway?
JANEWAY: Happy to help if I can. Fire away.
GWYN: I'd like to know what was this ship's purpose before we found it.
JANEWAY: The Protostar's mission was to enter the Delta Qua... Quadrant and... and... I... I have no record of that.
ZERO: Why was it buried in Tars Lamora?
(Janeway is glitching.)
JANEWAY: That information is unavailable.
GWYN: Just as I thought. Her memory core is damaged.
JANEWAY: Actually, no. My memory's just fine, but it's... classified.
ZERO: How peculiar. If her memories are classified, perhaps there is a way to access them.
JANEWAY: If you're gonna poke around in my head, I'll need some coffee first.
ROK: Er, Zero? I got a question. Hey. You're outta sickbay.
GWYN: Thought I'd make myself useful.
ROK: Zero, what would happen if you ate photon grenades? Asking for a friend.
ZERO: One would explode into a burst of gamma rays and cease to exist.
ROK: Er, gotta go.

[Holodeck]

(A nice big explosion.)
POG: Jankom's lost count how many times you've failed. Just joking. It's 42.
DAL: I don't care what the crew thinks anymore. This is personal. Boot it back up.
COMPUTER: Attempt number 49.
CRUSHER: The phenomenon of your stubbornness belongs in a medical textbook.
(Explosion.)
POG: Lemme guess, Cap. You're gonna get them next time?
DAL: Boot it back up.
POG: Huh?
COMPUTER: Attempt number 61.
DAL: Fire everything!
SPOCK: Captain, are you quite all right?
(Explosion.)
DAL: Boot it!
ODO: No.
COMPUTER: Attempt number 78.
ODO: I'm not going to let this happen again. Not again.
DAL: Boot it back up.
COMPUTER: Attempt number 99.
KLINGON: Ghay'cha'. Huh?
(The bridge is apparently empty. They are hiding behind the aft consoles.)
SPOCK: I believe he has lost the capacity for rational decision.
UHURA: Yes, he's infuriating, sir. How can you stand it?
(The Klingon fires anyway.)
DAL: Again. Again. Again! Why can't I beat this thing?
POG: Whoa, calm down. It's just a game.
DAL: Game? That Starfleet game is telling me I don't have what it takes to command a starship. What are you saying, it's right? That The Federation's got something I don't?
POG: Er... yeah. Tons of stuff. Er, er, maybe if you listened to your crew once in a while, you'd do better.
DAL: Or... or maybe someone on my crew isn't loyal enough.
POG: Oh.
DAL: Computer. Arch.
POG: Huh?
(Dal pushes him out of the holodeck.)
POG: Hey, come on. Who's gonna point out your mistakes?
DAL: Seal the entrance.
POG: Ah.
DAL: Give me a better engineer while you're at it. Humph.
SCOTT: Thank you, sir. And call me Scotty.

[Cargo hold]

ROK: Murf. I... I don't know what to do. I'm sorry, but please don't explode into gamma rays.
(Murf burps bright light.)
ROK: Ah! Whoa. That was crazy.

[Bridge]

GWYN: I bypassed the command functions, but there's a passcode prescription... er, encryption.
COMPUTER: Access denied.
ROK: Guys. I think Murf's gonna be okay. I think he might be indestructible.
POG: Not to one-up her, but does Jankom have a...
JANEWAY: Shh. Gwyn needs to concentrate.
ZERO: Odd. The Universal Translator has not converted this data stream.
GWYN: Because it's written in the language of my home world, Solum.
ALL: Oh.
JANEWAY: On a Federation ship? How is that possible?
GWYN: It's not. My father and I are the last of our kind, and we've never encountered Starfleet before. Maybe I can crack it.
ZERO: Remember, it is not mere translation.
GWYN: But interpretation. There is no barrier we cannot overcome, for we are Vau N'Akat. Huh?
COMPUTER: Access granted.

[Holodeck]

DAL: Okay. I finally cracked it. Earpiece, keep that mic hot. Mustache and Jellyman, know your roles. Pointy Ears and Big Red, with me. On my mark. Ready? It's go time.
CAPTAIN [OC]: Imperative. This is the Kobayashi Maru. We have...
DAL: This is the Kobayashi Maru. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we hear you, Koby. Why don't you enjoy some relaxing tunes?
(Thunderstruck by AC/DC.)
UHURA: All channels are totally jammed, Captain.
CRUSHER: It's a little loud.
DAL: Which means our stealthy Klingon pals can't hear what's coming next. Engage impulse in a barrel roll loop. Overload the warp core 130%.
SCOTT: The plasma intercooler's gone. The engines are overheating.
ODO: Frankly, I fail to see any point at all.
DAL: Gotta keep them on their toes, Jellyman. I've blown up so many times, I see now, the only way out is chaos. Three, two, one. Presto. Got a present for ya, and it comes with a message. What's that old Klingon saying again? Oh, yeah. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Scotty, eject warp core.
SCOTT: You've got it, Captain.
DAL: Phasers, full spread.
(Destroying the Klingon ships.)
SPOCK: Sweeping the area of Outpost Two. Sensor reading indefinite.
DAL: And the Kobayashi?
CRUSHER: Despite your unconventional tactics, they're still alive.
DAL: Ha ha! Yes!
UHURA: Sensors are picking up a Klingon Battle Cruiser rapidly closing on the station.
DAL: No. Impulse and weapons are offline. We're dead in the water. If only we could get off this stupid bridge.
SPOCK: Transporter operational, Captain.
(Beams onto the Klingon vessel.)
DAL: How big is this Holodeck?
KLINGON: (Klingonase.)
(Dal phasers a couple, Spock uses a neck-pinch on another three.)
DAL: Did I do it? Did I win? Wait, you didn't say you could super-pinch.
SPOCK: My congratulations, Captain.
DAL: Dal to Enterprise, you guys clean up here. I'm gonna personally escort the Kobayashi Maru back to safety. This is your captain, signing out. Stay safe out there.
(Sits down, puts his feet up on a console which sends a photon torpedo towards Enterprise.)
DAL: Wait. Stop.
(KaBOOM!)
DAL: Noooo!
SPOCK: Am I correct in my assumption that you've been disturbed by what you consider to be a failure on your part?
DAL: I sat in the seat, I gave the commands. I tried to win at any cost, and I still lost.
SPOCK: And what is it that makes one man an exceptional leader? No disrespect intended, but you must surely realise you can't announce the full truth to the crew. You're the captain of this ship. You can't afford the luxury of being anything less than perfect. If you do, they lose faith, and you lose command.
DAL: But I'm not perfect. I've never captained a ship. I've never had a crew. What do I know?
SPOCK: But the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.
DAL: So a good captain puts the needs of the crew before himself. Maybe I should be using these ears more than my mouth.
SPOCK: It is the only logical conclusion. In your own way, you are as stubborn as another captain of the Enterprise I once knew. Live long and prosper.
(Dal high-fives the Vulcan salute. The program ends.)
DAL: Computer, just curious, how was I supposed to beat it?
COMPUTER: The Kobayashi Maru is a no-win scenario designed to test how one reacts to a hopeless situation.
DAL: Almost had it.

[Bridge]

DAL: Hey, guys. Just wanted to say, I thought a lot about what you told me this morning, and... What did I miss?
JANEWAY: Data fragments. Corrupted but readable. The USS Protostar was a prototype, the fastest in Starfleet.
POG: There's so much. It'll take months to get through this raw data.
ZERO: But answers may lie within.
POG: Good thing Dal made us go back for ya, huh?
ROK: Ooh. Who are they? Whoa.
(She taps the icon of a man.)
CHAKOTAY: Mayday, mayday. This is Captain Chakotay of USS Protostar.
JANEWAY: Chakotay? He's the captain?
HOLO-JANEWAY: Captain, warning. We're being boarded.
JANEWAY: I'm suddenly realising you aren't my first crew. In memory of Rene Auberjonois, James Doohan and Leonard Nimoy, who inspire us to go boldly.