[Storage locker]

BOIMLER: But we don't do that. Our specialty is second contact. Still pretty important. We get all the paperwork signed, make sure we're spelling the name of the planet right, get to know all the good places to eat.
(Door opens.)
MARINER: Oh, my God. What are you doing?
BOIMLER: Uh, nothing, nothing, nothing. I'm just...
MARINER: Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Are you pretending to do a captain's log?
BOIMLER: We're all supposed to keep logs.
MARINER: Okay, let me listen to it.
BOIMLER: No. Go away. Leave me alone. No. No.
MARINER: Ah! I can't believe you're wasting your shore leave on this.
BOIMLER: Privacy, please.
MARINER: Aah! Hey, time to go. Come on. Get out of your little closet.
BOIMLER: Privacy.
MARINER: Let's go. Come on.
(She pulls him out into the -)

[Corridor]

BOIMLER: Are you drunk?
MARINER: Yeah, dude, you should be, too. I mean, this station is amazing. And they have Romulan whisky. And I bet you thought it was going to be green, but it is actually blue. It's this very beautiful colour.
BOIMLER: Romulan whiskey is against regulation.
MARINER: Yeah, 'cause it's awesome. Aw, man, they got all sorts of great stuff. (drops bottle, it breaks) Oh! Oh! Come on, check this out.
(A bat'leth.)
MARINER: Oh, yeah.
BOIMLER: Ah! Be careful with that!
MARINER: Pretty sweet, right? Yeah, it's a Klingon bat, um, bat, uh, bat... I don't know. I'm not a scientist. It doesn't matter. Shut up. I got it from an old guy with an eye patch.
BOIMLER: Hey, hey.
MARINER: Come spar with me. Come on! Oh, we can be Klingons. We can have crimped hair, wrinkled foreheads. Worf, Worf, Worf.
BOIMLER: It's got crusty blood on it!
MARINER: I love honour! I demand honour!
BOIMLER: Hey, stop. Stop!
(She cuts his leg. They both scream.)

[Shuttlebay]

(Crew disembark from a shuttlecraft.)
TENDI: Wow. Wow. Here we go. Ensign D'Vana Tendi, reporting for duty. I'm a transfer from Outpost 79.
OFFICER: Deck Four. Follow the yellow line. Take the turbolift all the way down.
TENDI: Thank you so much. And can I just say that I'm really honored to be...
OFFICER: Keep it moving, lower decks. Next!

[Repair shop]

REPLICATOR: Banana, hot. Banana, hot.
(Boimler's leg is mended.)
BOIMLER: Aah! Frickin' burned me.
TENDI: Uh, i-is there an Ensign Boimler here?
REPLICATOR: Banana, hot.
BOIMLER: Hi. Here, that's me. Ahoy.
TENDI: Ensign Tendi reporting for duty. You're my orientation liaison.
BOIMLER: Yes, welcome. Brad Boimler, Ensign, command division.
TENDI: Ah! Oh, my gosh. I've never worked with commanders before. I'm in sciences.
BOIMLER: I love science. Uh, it's so sciency. I mean, that blue goes green with your great... I mean, great, with your... oh, my gosh.
MARINER: Yo-yo, what up? Beckett Mariner, also an ensign, command division, but not quite as impressed with myself as this little rascal over here. Yeah, we're not actual commanders, by the way, we're more like commanders-in-training.
TENDI: I can't believe we're gonna serve side by side, scientists and commanders, an elite team.
MARINER: Yeah, no, we're not really elite. We're more like the cool, scrappy underdogs of the ship. You know, we don't wash our hands, we're doing kickflips all the time.
BOIMLER: But with focus and dedication, you could be chief medical officer someday.
MARINER: Oh, senior officers are overrated. They're always, like, stressed out and just yelling about directives. It is better down here, where the real action is.
TENDI: You really don't care about moving up in rank?
MARINER: Been there, definitely over it. Whenever you think for yourself, they knock you back down.
BOIMLER: You know, for someone who claims to hate rank, you certainly bring it up a lot.
MARINER: Yes, I'm very complicated, thank you. Ooh, you want the tour?
TENDI: Of the-the ship? Uh, yes!
BOIMLER: You don't like giving the tour.
MARINER: True, but I do have a big box of shore leave contraband I need help with.

[Corridor]

(Pushing a big box on an anti-grav sled as Boimler points at a map on the wall.)
BOIMLER: The senior officers are all up here, then you've got Engineering, science stations. All sorts of ops around here... Ops, ops, ops, storage, ops. Actually, there's like a ton of ops. It's like, guys, I think we have ops covered.
TENDI: And we're here?
BOIMLER: Well, no. We're actually way down here.
MARINER: What this map doesn't show you is that everything from, like, this deck up, super lame, not important to us.
BOIMLER: You like the bar.
MARINER: All right, fine. Everything except the bar.
BOIMLER: And the bridge.
MARINER: The bridge is not cool.
BOIMLER: Yes, it is.
MARINER: Oh, hey, that's Rutherford. Rutherford, what's up?
(Rutherford's implant sparks and he jabbers.)
MARINER: Yo, yo, yo, slow down. Is your thingy acting up?
BOIMLER: Rutherford's an engineer, oh, and, as of a couple weeks ago, cybernetically enhanced.
TENDI: Ooh, I've never met a recent cyborg.
RUTHERFORD: Hey, nice to meet you. Welcome to the crew.
MARINER: Wait, don't you have a date with Ensign Barnes tonight?
RUTHERFORD: Sure do.
MARINER: She's crazy hot. Are you nervous?
RUTHERFORD: Trying to be, but this thing keeps tamping it down.
(Mariner zaps it with something.)
RUTHERFORD: Yikes. Okay, you got it. Uh-oh, I'm nervous. What if I say something stupid? What if she doesn't like the way that I look? Ah, I can only look one way. I can't change it by tonight!
MARINER: Better?
RUTHERFORD: Yeah, thanks. What if she hates my jokes? I don't know any jokes. Oh, I'm gonna puke.
MARINER: What else? (the tour continues) That's a room of switches and dials you'll never need to go into.
BOIMLER: It's actually a pretty important processing hub.
MARINER: Nobody knows what that room is.
BOIMLER: It's a pattern-buffer maintenance access. She knows that. She's being funny.
MARINER: Ah, and this is Boimler's hidey closet, where he pretends to be a captain like a big boy.
BOIMLER: This is not a good tour!

[Crew quarters]

(Bunks in the walls with cupboards between them.)
BOIMLER: So, yeah, we kind of sleep in a hallway. It's a little disappointing, but eventually, when you rank up, you get your own room. We're pretty close to the showers, which is nice. Does get kind of musty, though. Which is weird 'cause the showers are sonic.
(The big window at the end looks out over the nacelles.)
TENDI: Whoa. Whoa. It's... perfect.
BOIMLER: Well, once you get settled, you should probably check in with Nurse Westlake in Medical. You'll be assisting him with some basic...
MARINER: Ooh, let's go check out the holodeck.
BOIMLER: She doesn't have time for that.
MARINER: How do you know?
BOIMLER: Because I'm her liaison.
MARINER: Oh, yeah, then what time is it? And don't check, because if she doesn't have time, then you should know what time it is. Otherwise, you're just trying to sound important. So, what time is it?

[Holodeck]

MARINER: Welcome to the holodeck. Easily the best part of the ship.
BOIMLER: The warp core is the best part of the ship, uh, followed by the bridge, the photon torpedo tubes, cetacean ops...
MARINER: Dude, the warp core is just a big glowing tube.
BOIMLER: I love the warp core. The warp core rules.
MARINER: No, it doesn't. Computer, find us a beach in Hawaii.
TENDI: What is this? (the sand) This stuff is crazy. What does it do?
BOIMLER: Oh, it just gets everywhere and gives you a rash.
MARINER: You get a rash from sand?
BOIMLER: What, you don't?
MARINER: No. Nobody does.
BOIMLER: Oh, God, I always do.
MARINER: Go ahead, take her for a spin.
TENDI: Computer, can you put us in the Adashake Center on Orion? (yes) Wow, I never made time to go before I enlisted.
MARINER: Pretty cool, right? You can go almost anywhere you can imagine. Come on, Boimler. Give it a whirl.
BOIMLER: I... I don't know.
TENDI: Come on, there has to be somewhere you'd love to be.
BOIMLER: Um... Computer, show us the warp core. Wow! Amazing. What an impressive feat of engineering.
MARINER: You really bum me out sometimes.
STEVENS [OC]:Ensign Boimler, report to the bridge.
TENDI: You work on the bridge?
BOIMLER: Yeah. That's right. Because they appreciate people who follow the rules. Who's boring now? On my way.
TENDI: Wow, does he get to go up there a lot?
MARINER: Nah, just whenever someone spills a drink or something. Computer, load Mariner program all-nude Olympic training facility. You might want to back up a bit.
(The characters are all males...)
TENDI: Wow, this is a very detailed program.

[Planet surface]

CHANCELLOR: Farewell, Commander.
RANSOM: Thanks again for your hospitality, Chancellor. We'll be sending construction teams down to help with the... (swats a fly on his neck) to help with the subspace comm array as soon as we load up the supplies. Ransom to Cerritos. Five to beam up.

[Transporter room]

STEVENS: Should you get that looked at, sir?
RANSOM: Eh, I'll be fine.

[Corridor]

RANSOM: Want to grab a drink tonight?
STEVENS: You know it. Nothing like a cold beer after a smooth second contact.
RANSOM: Now, that's what I'm talking about.
STEVENS: Oh, yeah.

[Turbolift]

COMPUTER: Bridge.

[Bridge]

(All Boimler can hear is his own pounding heart.)
RANSOM: Ensign.
BOIMLER: Sorry, what?
RANSOM: I said why aren't you at your post, Ensign?
FREEMAN: Ransom, report.
RANSOM: Coordination with the Galardonian high council is ahead of schedule, Captain.
FREEMAN: Excellent. Keep me posted. Ensign, you're with me.
(The fly bite on Ransom's neck is itchy and purple.)

[Ready room]

FREEMAN: Brad Boimler. Born Modesto, California, commissioned in '79. Not a single demerit. You keep a personal log?
BOIMLER: Sometimes five a day.
FREEMAN: That's excessive. Do you see a captain's chair in your future?
BOIMLER: I hope so, ma'am.
FREEMAN: Well, I see a lot of potential in you, son, which is why I'm giving you a special assignment.
BOIMLER: Really? I mean, of course, yes, whatever you need.
FREEMAN: Keep an eye on Ensign Mariner. If she breaks protocol, I want a full report.
BOIMLER: Sorry, ma'am, is something wrong?
FREEMAN: I like my crew working in lockstep. There isn't any wiggle room on the Cerritos. Not when lives are at stake. Do you disagree?
BOIMLER: No, ma'am.
FREEMAN: Good. Dismissed. Ensign, let's keep this between us, shall we?

[Lounge]

(The equivalent of 10-forward in TNG.)
RUTHERFORD: What? Oh, man, I would kill to work on the deflector dish. Most of my day is spent repairing food replicators.
BARNES: They really break that often?
RUTHERFORD: Only when you get food in 'em.
BARNES: Ah, at least you don't have to be aroundLieutenant Commander Billups. Knowing how to talk to women is kind of that guy's final frontier.
(They laugh, then the implant sparks.)
RUTHERFORD: That is illogical!
BARNES: Oh! Sorry. Is he a friend of yours?
RUTHERFORD: No, no, no, no... it's this Vulcan implant. It keeps on randomly suppressing my emotional reactions. Sorry if this is making it weird. I'm just not used to being a cyborg yet.
BARNES: Actually, my dad was a cyborg.

[Transporter room]

MARINER: Shaxs drop his latte again? Guy's got baby hands.
BOIMLER: No.
MARINER: Computer, send me a suck-up to clean up my mess. I have a giant torso and little hands. Over. Right?
BOIMLER: Yeah, hilarious.

[Planet surface]

BILLUPS: All right, people, you know the plan. Let's get this array set up so the, uh, Galardonians can communicate with the rest of the Federation.

[Lounge]

RUTHERFORD: Oh, man, this is really nice. I'm glad we got to sit down and get to know each other without any interruptions.
(On another table, Ransom has a fit then starts spewing black goo, attacking other crewpersons and turning them into whatever he has become.)
STEVENS [OC]: Set phasers to stun!
RUTHERFORD: So, where are you quartered?
BARNES: Deck Nine, by the squash courts.
(Stevens joins them behind the overturned table.)
STEVENS: Someone brought a virus back from the planet. This is happening all over the ship.
(He leaves them.)
RUTHERFORD: I've never played squash. Is it fun?
BARNES: We should play sometime.

[Planet surface]

BILLUPS: Oh, yeah, it's all gonna be over subspace. Really, you're gonna love it.
(Boimler spots Mariner loading a box onto a vehicle and driving off.)
BOIMLER: Unbelievable.

[Sickbay]

T'ANA: Hey, you. Green girl! Strap patients down as they come in. Double them up if you have to. They aren't going to infect each other twice.
TENDI: But, uh, uh, I was actually supposed to be assisting Nurse Westlake.
T'ANA: That is Nurse Westlake.
(Strapped to a bed, infected and spitting black bile.)
TENDI: Wow, it's such an honour to meet you, sir. (gets covered in goo) I'm looking forward to working with you.

[Planet surface]

(Mariner has met up with two locals.)
BOIMLER: Aha!
MARINER: Boimler! Ugh, don't jump out at people. For real, man. You're lucky I didn't phaser you.
BOIMLER: You're selling Federation weapons to these guys, aren't you?
MARINER: Yo, calm down.
BOIMLER: No! I'm sick of you pushing me around! Explain yourself right here!
MARINER: Boims, you need to shut up. Listen to me. You know nothing. Shut your mouth.
GALARDONIAN: Uh, we're just gonna take off.
(Boimler fires his phaser at the ground.)
BOIMLER: Nobody move! Selling Starfleet technology without the express consent of the Federation Council is a breach of regulations 498 and 756 of...
MARINER: And regulations 25, 15, 348. You're breaking 76 just for pointing that phaser at me.
BOIMLER: Fine, you know more regulations than me. I still have to stop you.
MARINER: It's farm equipment, you idiot. They're farmers.
BOIMLER: I'm not an idiot. You expect me to believe that...? Shovel and hoe?
(The farmers run into a cave and a giant spider comes out.)
MARINER: Run, idiot!
(Hiding behind rocks.)
MARINER: What's it doing?
BOIMLER: It's shooting butt-webbing at a tree. It looks pretty pissed.
MARINER: Well, I hope you're happy.
BOIMLER: You left your post.
(Crawling away.)
MARINER: Oh, I am so sorry I made sure that some humble farmers, who can't afford to wait for Starfleet bureaucracy to notice them, got some help so they didn't have to starve.
BOIMLER: How did you even know these guys exist?
(The spider passes close by.)
MARINER: Because I was here for first contact last year on the Quito, before I got my ass demoted and transferred to the Cerritos.
BOIMLER: Well, I didn't know that.
MARINER: I have served on five ships, man. I have seen stuff. One time, I got trapped in a sentient cave for weeks. You ever been trapped in a sentient cave? That's a dark place that knows things. I almost got my head taken off by a singing crystal. I've been in a Klingon prison where I had to fight a yeti for my own shoes for no reason. He was just being a dick. You've been on, what, four planets?
BOIMLER: Five, if you include Vulcan.
MARINER: Of course I don't include stupid Vulcan. You may as well count Earth.
BOIMLER: I was counting Earth.
MARINER: You don't know anything except what's in your manuals. Since you can't think for yourself, how about you follow my lead, and maybe we'll get out of this alive?
BOIMLER: Ensign Boimler to Cerritos. Two for emergency trans...
(Mariner grabs his comms badge and throws it away.)
BOIMLER: Are you insane?
MARINER: We can't just beam out of here. These guys need that animal.
BOIMLER: Even if it eats us?
MARINER: General Order 5.
BOIMLER: Fine, okay. How about we stun it? We'll just stun it.
MARINER: No. That could spoil the milk.
BOIMLER: Spoil what milk?
MARINER: These guys probably milk it.
BOIMLER: Oh, like you even know.
MARINER: Ooh. Take off your pants.
BOIMLER: Oh. Mariner. Five ships. Yeti shoes. I am always right. Take them off now.
(The spider returns and is decoyed by their uniforms dressing a collection of coconuts, vines, tendrils.)
MARINER: Yes, it's working. Man, look at that thing just tear into that dummy. Okay, here we go, get ready to jump.
BOIMLER: Wait, why isn't it attacking your uniform? It's going to town on mine.
MARINER: Random chance? Who cares? On my mark.
BOIMLER: I care. I say we wait for it to destroy both of our uniforms.
MARINER: Mark!
(She jumps onto the back of the spider.)
MARINER: Jump, Boimler! Come on, it's safe. It can't reach back this far.
BOIMLER: Man.
(He jumps and it grabs him in its mandibles. Mariner gets thrown off.)
BOIMLER: Oh! Phaser it! Phaser it! Phaser it!
(The farmers arrive.)
GALARDONIAN: Please don't phaser her. It'll spoil the milk.
MARINER: Did you hear that? Uh, I can't let it eat him.
GALADONIAN: She's an herbivore. She's just gumming on him to suckle out some moisture.
MARINER: Oh, okay. Hey, Brad. Good news, buddy. So, I've ju... it's just suckling you, I've just learned. You're fine.
BOIMLER: Help!
MARINER: Hang in there, you got this. It is getting tired. So go to your happy place, like, ooh, think about the warp core.
GALARDONIAN: You, uh, want a snack or something?
MARINER: Yeah, you got any of that milk?

[Corridor]

(Next to space suit storage)
TANNOY [OC]: All uninfected crew meet at Transporter Room Eight.
BARNES: We have to get to the rally point.
RUTHERFORD: I guess we better go for a walk.

[Saucer hull]

RUTHERFORD: There's a maintenance hatch on the other side of the saucer that should give us access to Deck Eight. What kind of music are you into?
BARNES: We have just enough oxygen to get there, but we're cutting it close. I really like this classical band called The Monkees. Ever heard of 'em?
RUTHERFORD: Let's just say, I'm a Believer.

[Deck 8]

(They enter and get attacked. They hold off the infected crew while a set of doors refuses to open. Rutherford makes a tweak to get through, then they take off their helmets and laugh. Barnes kisses Rutherford.)
BARNES: Mmm.
RUTHERFORD: Wow. I wasn't expecting that.
BARNES: What did you expect?
RUTHERFORD: Well, for these maintenance hatch doors to recognize our combadges.
BARNES: Oh. No, I mean what just happened?
RUTHERFORD: I'm more worried about what didn't just happen. Failure analysis estimates the reliability of this mechanism at one out of 4.69 repeating. Oh, are you seeing this?

[Sickbay]

(The CMO is operating on Billups.)
T'ANA: The anesthetic is useless. We have to work through the pain. Your hands clean?
TENDI: Uh...
T'ANA: Pump this. Don't pass out.
(Billup's heart.)
T'ANA: Nobody's authorized to pass out!
BILLUPS: That's my heart! It hurts when you pump it! Oh, God! Oh...
TENDI: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

[Planet surface]

(The spider has finally fallen asleep, so a fully-dressed Mariner pulls Boimler out of its mouth.)
BOIMLER: Oh, God. Oh!
MARINER: Okay, there we go, man, yeah. See? I told you it'd be okay.
BOIMLER: My bones.
MARINER: You'll be fine. Doc'll wave a light over it. We got to get back to camp. You took way too long with that thing.
BOIMLER: But I'm naked.
(Driving back. Boimler is wearing one of the farmer's dungarees.)
MARINER: At least we got to help those guys. I think we make a pretty good team, Boimler.
BOIMLER: You may as well know, I've been monitoring you. I'm supposed to report any breach of conduct to the captain.
MARINER: We've been serving together for a year, and I still don't get why you worship those guys.
BOIMLER: They're heroes.
MARINER: All they care about is glory. Stuff that could earn them a mention in the history books. They don't really care about us.
BOIMLER: No way, no. The captain tries her hardest to support all of us, she just doesn't always have time to... Look, I don't have to defend her. You're not gonna talk me out of reporting you.
(They return to the rest of the group and are beamed up.)

[Transporter room]

MARINER: Whoa! What the hell?
FREEMAN: Keep the doors secure. The crew depends on us. We can't let them down.
(T'Ana samples some of the spider's saliva still on Boilmer.)
BOIMLER: Captain, I'm sure you're wondering where my uniform is.
FREEMAN: Shaxs, what are my options?
SHAXS: I recommend we detonate the entire warp core, Captain.
FREEMAN: What? No.
T'ANA: We need to get this man to sickbay immediately. He is very important.
FREEMAN: What makes him so special?
T'ANA: Nothing. He's worthless. It's the slime, Captain. He's covered in slime that could save us all.
FREEMAN: Everyone, protect this slime.
(Shaxs puts Boimler over his shoulder and they fight their way to Sickbay.)

[Sickbay]

T'ANA: Holy ****. This substance completely neutralises the rage effect.
BOIMLER: It came from this spider cow thing. I could tell you all about it.
FREEMAN: But can you synthesize a cure, Doctor?
T'ANA: Hmm. I better. You don't have much time.
MARINER: Ooh, should've washed those hands, Captain.
FREEMAN: Stow it, Mariner.
(Ransom, strapped to a bed, gets the first injection.)
RANSOM: Ah, ah, ah... Oh, what happened? Where am I? And did I eat flesh?
TENDI: Uh, hardly any.
RANSOM: How much did I eat?!
(The saliva gets put into the ventilation system and sent through the ship.)
T'ANA: It's working!
FREEMAN: Looks like you'll get to publish more award-winning research, Doc.
T'ANA: Great, more paperwork.
RANSOM: How much did I eat?
MARINER: Uh, this guy saved your asses. Ensign Brad Boimler. Put that in the paperwork. Still, uh, happy to be here?
TENDI: Are you kidding? I got to hold a heart!

[Ready room]

FREEMAN: Once again, solely thanks to the brilliant efforts of Dr. T'Ana, the crew is saved. Undetected by the first contact team, the alien virus is exactly the type of eventuality that can make a second contact mission a life-or-death situation. Luckily, my senior staff are always up for a challenge. End recording. Sorry about that, Ensign Bumford. What do you have to report?
BOIMLER: Boimler.
FREEMAN: Pardon?
BOIMLER: It's Boimler, not Bumford.
FREEMAN: What about Mariner? Did she follow protocol?
BOIMLER: Yeah, I think so. We spent the whole day just adjusting the subspace comm array.
FREEMAN: This says you came back covered in bite marks, wearing an alien frock. What, she had nothing to do with that?
BOIMLER: You know, I don't remember much. Maybe that goo that saved the ship messed with my memory.
FREEMAN: Nothing insubordinate?
BOIMLER: Not that I saw.
FREEMAN: Unbelievable. Thank you, Ensign Boimler. Dismissed.
(Boimler leaves. An Admiral calls on subspace.)
ADMIRAL: Everything all right, Captain Freeman? I heard you had some sort of rage virus?
FREEMAN: Ransom tried to eat a guy. We're fine. Listen, I've had enough. I'm throwing her in the brig.
ADMIRAL: We already tried that. You know it doesn't work. She loves the brig.
FREEMAN: She undermines me in front of the crew!
ADMIRAL: I'm sure nobody notices.
FREEMAN: Yeah, they do.
ADMIRAL: Sweetheart, just...
FREEMAN: Don't you sweetheart me. We agreed, if she didn't fit in here, you'd send her back to the Quito. Well, she doesn't fit in!
ADMIRAL: I got to go. Admiral stuff. Love you.
FREEMAN: Don't you hang up on me! She's your daughter, too!
ADMIRAL: Hanging up now.
FREEMAN: Don't you dare.
ADMIRAL: Finger's on the button.
FREEMAN: Don't you... don't you...
ADMIRAL: Uh, I-I'm losing you.
FREEMAN: I said don't...

[Lounge]

TENDI: Oh, no. Did the rage virus ruin your date?
RUTHERFORD: Nah, that stuff happens all the time.
TENDI: Oh, good. So, was she as great as everyone says?
RUTHERFORD: Yeah. She was smart and pretty and, ooh, highly effective in a ship-wide crisis.
TENDI: So, tell me, are you guys a thing?
RUTHERFORD: Yeah, I'm not seeing her again.
TENDI: Well, you survived an epic life-threatening situation together. Don't you share a bond?
RUTHERFORD: Oh, for sure. But she had zero interest in figuring out why a red alert overrode Maintenance Hatch 70's access protocols. It's, like, can you even imagine?
TENDI: I-I'm sorry. What? It did?!
RUTHERFORD: Yes. I mean, who has time for romance when there's a level two diagnostic just sitting there waiting to be run?
TENDI: Mm-mm. Don't have to tell me twice. I am right there.
BOIMLER: Mariner.
MARINER: Boimler.
BOIMLER: Ahem. I wanted to thank you. It felt good helping those people. I mean, you might be...
MARINER: Mm, better than you in every single way?
BOIMLER: Unorthodox, but... I can't believe I'm saying it... Starfleet is better with you in it.
MARINER: Wait, so you didn't tattle on me?
BOIMLER: I did not.
MARINER: Boimler! Wha...? (hugs him) No way, man! I had you pegged wrong. Yeah, I thought you were, like, a boring worker drone. And you are, but inside that drone is an ambitious little weasel, and inside that weasel might be a tiny human being.
BOIMLER: That's, uh, sort of unfair.
MARINER: This is a moment, man. Ooh, this is a mood, okay? And I do not care how long it takes, we're going to get your butt in a captain's chair.
BOIMLER: This isn't a big deal.
MARINER: Guess what. I'm your new mentor. Boom. Surprise, bitch, it's done. How does it feel?
BOIMLER: No, you can't just decide.
TENDI: She's your mentor?
BOIMLER: No, she's not.
MARINER: Whoa. Come on, guys! Lower decks! Lower decks! Lower decks!
RUTHERFORD: Congrats, man. That's cool.
MARINER: Teamwork! Spirit! Community! Lower decks! Lower decks! Lower decks! You're gonna be my cha'Dich from now on, baby!
BOIMLER: I don't want lessons from you.
MARINER: Okay, Klingons? They're all about fighting. They're always making oaths about everything.
BOIMLER: Everyone knows that.
MARINER: Do you know about Spock? Dude came back... from being dead!
BOIMLER: Yeah, I think I've heard of Spock.
MARINER: He got frickin' Genesis-deviced and fought Khan and some space whales!
BOIMLER: Can we just go back to not being friends?
MARINER: How about Sulu? Ooh, he rocked a sword. That was his thing. That could be your thing, too! We're due for a new sword guy!
BOIMLER: What can I do to make this stop, please?
MARINER: Mm, do you know Kirk?
BOIMLER: Yes.
MARINER: My man Worf?
BOIMLER: Yes!
MARINER: Gary Mitchell?
BOIMLER: I'm sure I could look him up.
MARINER: You don't have to, because you have a mentor!
BOIMLER: No. Don't touch me.
MARINER: Do you know Deanna Troi? Her body be bangin'! She went from a jumpsuit...