[Lounge]

(Boimler is playing an Irish jig on a violin whilst trying to dance.)
BOIMLER: That was titled "Essence." I wrote it about my mom. This next piece is also about my mom.
(Mariner and Tendi leap on stage.)
BOIMLER: Er, excuse me...
MARINER: Wrap it up, nerd.
BOIMLER: I'm still...
MARINER: All right, I don't know what this is called, and I don't care. Two, three, four!
(Very loud rock music.)
BOIMLER: That's kind of loud!
(The whole ship reverberates.)

[Bridge]

KLINGON [on viewscreen]: What is the meaning of this intense bass? Are you mocking me?!
FREEMAN: I don't hear it on our side. It must be your equipment.
KLINGON [on viewscreen]: Engineer K'noch, today you die!
(Mute transmission.)
FREEMAN: Will someone shut that up?!
(Shaxs runs out.)

[Lounge]

MARINER: You're welcome.
(She and Tendi leave the stage.)
BOIMLER: Okay, whatever that was. Ladies and gentlemen, "Requiem for a Hug."
SHAXS: Captain says you're too loud!
(And breaks the violin.)
BOIMLER: Oh, God, oh, no, no, I'm so sorry.
RANSOM: First officer's log, stardate 57501.4. The Cerritos is en route to Cardassia Prime for the most amazing reason. Captain Freeman is going to be instrumental in brokering peace between the... Er, wait. Just reading a little message here. Yada yada yada. Oh. Oh, no. The captain is not gonna be happy about this.

[Bridge]

FREEMANN: What the hell are you talking about!
ADMIRAL [on viewscreen]: I'm sorry, Captain Freeman, but we're moving the peace negotiations to Vulcan. Nobody wants to go to Cardassia Prime. The Cardassians are creeping everyone out.
FREEMAN: But I already prepared a speech. I learned how to do the dance...
ADMIRAL [on viewscreen]: I'm sure you'll be involved in the next historic, once-in-a-lifetime summit. For now, you'll be heading to Gelrak 5 and, er, endowing them with diplomatic trinkets.
FREEMAN: We're delivering gifts?
ADMIRAL [on viewscreen]: Godspeed, Captain.
(Transmission ends.)
FREEMAN: Argh! I spent weeks learning how to bark out Cardassian small talk.
RANSOM: Seems like they just changed locations. I don't think it was a slight on the Cerritos.
FREEMAN: Yeah, right. Nobody respects us, because we don't demand their respect. This ship is a joke.
RANSOM: Well, then we're the funniest joke in all of Starfleet.
FREEMAN: Shut up, Jack! I'm sick of it. We have to do something to prove that this crew isn't a bunch of slackers.

[Brig]

RUTHERFORD: Okay, try it now.
(Mariner fires a phaser at Boimler, who is in a cell.)
TENDI: Field strength is at..
BOIMLER: Ooh!
TENDI: 100%
BOIMLER: You almost phasered me!
MARINER: Calm down. It's set to... Er, it was... it was set to stun.
RUTHERFORD: Hey, Boimler, how's the field integrity looking in there?
(Prods it with a metal object and gets thrown backwards.)
BOIMLER: Er... oh! It's good. (passes out)
MARINER: Okay. Computer, margaritas. Frozen. Salt.
TENDI: Wait, don't we have to report that we're done so we can get a new task?
MARINER: Don't sweat it, baby girl. Like many things, commanders have no idea how long it takes to balance a phase variance.
RUTHERFORD: You never admit the actual amount of time it takes to finish a job. If you did, your days would be packed.
TENDI: Isn't that lying?
RUTHERFORD: No. It's creative estimating. When you get an assignment, you exaggerate how long it's gonna take, then you're a hero when it's done early.
MARINER: Eh, it's just a little buffer time. No biggie.
TENDI: And you're okay with this?
BOIMLER: No! If it were up to me, we'd never take a break. But it's Lower Decks tradition.
T'ANA [on PADD]: Tendi, how long will it take to repair a biobed?
TENDI: Oh, er, that would take about five... hours.
T'ANA [on PADD: Excuse me? That's great!
MARINER: Aw, Tendi, look at us. Lower Decks, breaching protocol together. Friendship!

[Corridor]

FREEMAN: Oh, be sure to stroll through the ship as slowly as possible. It's not like we're busy exploring the mysteries of the cosmos!
(Lounge door opens.)
FREEMAN: Does no one do any work around here?!
ENSIGN: Geez, there goes buffer time.
FREEMAN: What was that, Ensign?
ENSIGN: Er, nothing, Captain.
FREEMAN: Oh...

[Turbolift]

(Boimler is already in there.)
FREEMAN: Bridge.
BOIMLER: Cap'n. I mean, Captain.
FREEMAN: Anything to report, Ensign?
BOIMLER: Er, keeping busy. I inventoried Cargo Bay Four, assisted with the baryon sweep of the warp nacelles, skipped buffer time and went straight to work on...
FREEMANN: Turbolift halt! What is buffer time?
BOIMLER: Er...

[Crew bunks]

MARINER: What's up with you? You're looking more, like, weaselly than usual.
BOIMLER: Well, th... that's just how my face looks. You... you know that.
(PADDs light up.)
RUTHERFORD: Oh. Effective immediately, the Lower Deck scheduling deceit will no longer be tolerated? What scheduling deceit?
MARINER: Wait. Lemme see. All assignments must be completed and logged in exactly the time mandated by command?
TENDI: Are we being timed?
RUTHERFORD: Failure to meet quotas will not be tolerated. Ah, this is bad, this is bad.
TENDI: I thought it was tradition. I thought you said nobody cared.
MARINER: They didn't. There was no way the captain noticed we were padding stuff out. Somebody ratted. Oh, I bet it was Delta shift.
TENDI: Yeah. Delta shift is the worst. They think they're so much better than us, just because they're so much better than us.
BOIMLER: It doesn't matter who ratted. We don't need buffer time. We're Starfleet. We're the best of the best, and we can still get everything done early.
RUTHERFORD: Boimler's right. We don't need a buffer time. We've got this!
MARINER: Yeah, no, yeah, you're probably right. What's one less margarita a day?

[Corridor]

(Mad panic of exhausted people trying to beat the clock.)
ENSIGN: Excuse me!
MAN: Watch it.
BILLUPS: Rutherford, I need that diagnostic on the guidance system, now!
RUTHERFORD: But now is right now! Move! Move, move, move, move!
(Bumps into Tendi.)
TENDI: Aah! Come on, watch where you're going.
RUTHERFORD: Now I only have ten minutes to do a 30-minute calibration.
TENDI: Stop yelling!
MARINER: Er, sorry, wish I could help. I'm late for Ransom's stupid away mission.
T'ANA [OC]: Ensign Tendi! You were supposed to be in sickbay 20 minutes ago!
TENDI: I'm coming! Ooo, somebody's got to purge the calibration matrix. I call dibs!
(Slightly later, pressing buttons somewhere, next to a guy falling asleep on his feet.)
BOIMLER: Ooo, I love purging. I purge you, I purge you, I purge you. I purge, purge, purge, purge, purge, purge, purge. And a P and a urge and a P and a urge. Ooo, I love purging.

[Shuttlebay]

(While the grunts load up cargo.)
RANSOM: All right, let's see a little hustle there, guys. An away mission is only routine until it isn't. Horned gorillas, sentient tar, spores that make you hook up with your best friend's sister. All disasters I've personally experienced on missions that should have been a walk in the park. Mariner, you're late.
MARINER: Er, no, I've been here the whole time, you know, loading stuff, hearing about gorillas, er, spores, et cetera. That weird story you told us about your best friend's sister.
RANSOM: Get it together, Mariner. The captain has us on a strict timetable.
MARINER: Well then, maybe you could help instead of whatever you're doing right now.
RANSOM: I am helping. I'm commanding. You're lucky your phaser accuracy is so high, or I'd never let you beam off this ship.
MARINER: We wouldn't even be going on a mission if the admiral hadn't downgraded the captain to delivering gifts. Come on, let's bail.
RANSOM: No. And roll down those sleeves. This isn't a barn.

[Shuttlecraft]

RANSOM: The Gelrakians base their entire social structure around crystals. When we land, we must display the honour crystal they gave to the first contact team to show that we come in peace. I should've tried that with my ex.
VENDOME: Yeah.
MARINER: Urgh.
RANSOM: I'm picking up an increase in atmospheric hydromounds.
MARINER: Yeah, they're called clouds, man.
RANSOM: Just to be safe, I'll disengage autopilot and land her manually.
MARINER: That's literally what the autopilot's for. It's a automatic pilot.
VENDOME: Perfect landing, sir.
RANSOM: Not even my best work, to be honest.
BOIMLER: We could've just beamed down.
RANSOM: I didn't catch that, Mariner.
BOIMLER: Er, yeah I just said we should get going, clock is ticking. Er, productivity and et cetera.
RANSOM: We'll go when I give the order. Let's roll.

[Planet surface]

RANSOM: Greetings. It is an honour to... Ensign Vendome, the honour crystal.
(Opens the box.)
GELRAKIAN: This isn't crystals.
GELRAKIAN 2: He's got wood. He's got wood!
BOIMLER: Uh-oh, that doesn't sound peaceful.
VENDOME: Er, uh...
RANSOM: Where's the crystal, Vendome?
VENDOME: Sir, I loaded the wrong case. This is a fertility totem meant for Mavok Prime. I... I was rushing to finish my tasks.
GELRAKIAN 2: You dare insult us with this perverted wooden sex charm of our sworn enemies?
GELRAKIAN: This is an act of war, Starfleet scum!
(She throws her spear into Vendome's chest.)
RANSOM: Vendome!
(Mariner rushes in and takes down the closest, but...)
RANSOM: There's too many of them. Fall back!
MARINER: Come on.
(They all retreat to behind large crystals.)
VENDOME: Oh, God, I'm gonna die!
MARINER: We live on a spaceship. Nobody is dying from a spear wound.
GELRAKIAN 3: Crystals!
RANSOM: Oh. Hate when this happens.
(A spear shatters a crystal.)
VENDOME: Oh!
MARINER: Let's just stun them and get out of here!
RANSOM: Negative, we just signed them into the Federation. What this calls for is some classic Jack Ransom peace brokering.
MARINER: Are you out of your mind?
RANSOM: Watch and learn. This is gonna be awesome. Attention, Gelrakians, I am Commander Jack... Ooh!
(Hit below the naval by the piece of wood, then zapped by an energy net covering him.)
MARINER: All right, that was awesome. Ah, circled by spears. This is a classic. What am I, Kirk? Is this the 2260s? All right.

[Cargo bay]

(A canister gets knocked over, its contents spill and eat through the decking.)
RUTHERFORD: Whoa, oh, hey, hey! Er, we got acid here.
MAN: Excuse me!
TENDI: Rutherford.
RUTHERFORD: Aah, Tendi, what the hell?
TENDI: Can't talk, got to work. I'm compiling.
RUTHERFORD: What? Ah, the impulse manifold needs to be degaussed again.
TENDI: I have to assist with a surgery, and I honestly can't remember which deck sickbay is on!
RUTHERFORD: Er,26?
TENDI: Is that...? Do we have that many?

[Bridge]

COMPUTER: Enter security code.
FREEMAN: I'm waiting, Ensign.
ENSIGN: Sorry, Captain. Something's wrong with the console.
FREEMAN: Move! I'll do it myself. Lieutenant Shaxs, any word from the away team?
SHAXS: Captain, the sensors have picked up Gelrakian ships approaching off the starboard bow.
FREEMAN: What? On screen. What? Are we supposed to be hosting a welcome dinner or something?
BARNES: Captain, they're locking phasers.
FREEMAN: Really? Raise shields. Shaxs?
SHAXS: I'm trying, Captain. Something's wrong with the controls. Ah, stupid controls.
FREEMAN: Do I have to run this whole ship myself?
SHAXS: They've launched boarding pods!
FREEMAN: Red alert! Repel all intruders, but do not use it as an excuse to stop doing what you are doing. I want to stay on track and on time. It's called multi-tasking, people. They do it on the Enterprise all the time. I don't want to hear any complaining. I only want to hear repelling of intruders and people getting their work done!

[Cargo bay]

RUTHERFORD: Swords and spears? How did these guys get on board?

[Jail]

MARINER: Hey, guy. Hey, guy? Hey, guy, is this what you wanted to do with your life? Just capture people? Is that what you dreamt of when you were a little whatever-you-are? Are you fulfilled by that?
GELRAKIAN 2: Yes.
MARINER: Wow, all right, er... Well, do you know what? That means you're lame. You're a loser.
RANSOM: Hey, keep it down! I'm writing a speech that will convince them to let us go.
MARINER: A speech? Seriously? Permission to speak freely.
RANSOM: You always speak freely. Nobody can stop you from speaking freely.
MARINER: All right, you know what you've got going on? You have broad shoulders and shiny hair and you talk a good game, but when it comes to actually doing the job... the job... you don't have it. I'm calling bull**** on your whole thing here, sir.
RANSOM: You're so busy breaking protocol that you never look ahead. One of these days you're going to get someone killed, Ensign.
MARINER: With all due respect, sir, my friends aren't trapped in an alien prison. Your team is.
RANSOM: That's not my team, it's our team. But I guess you don't think that way. Here we go, show time. We may come from different worlds, but on the inside we are all...
GEMBA: Silence, Starfleet! You are being held responsible for the lies of the Federation. Your trial will be by combat.
MARINER: Yes, now we're talking! And by talking, of course, I mean fighting.
GEMBA: One of you must face our greatest champion, Vindor. Usually we start the battle and Vindor steps out of the shadows and it's super intimidating, but he's here, so I'm just gonna show him to you right now.
(He's huge.)
VINDOR: Vindor.
GEMBA: If you win, we let you go. If you lose, you'll be dead and your away team will be crushed by the adjudication geode.
GELRAKIAN 2: Crystals!
GEMBA: Okay, I'm looking at a lot of blank faces here. An adjudication geode is a special type of constitutional crystal we use to legally smoosh our criminals. Here is your battle blade. You have one hour to choose who gets the honour of being slaughtered by Vindor. If you can't decide, we will...
BOTH: I'll do it!
RANSOM: Give it to me!
MARINER: Yo, I touched it first.
RANSOM: Give it, come...
MARINER: Tell him! No, me!
RANSOM: No, mine!
GEMBA: You do realise you're fighting over who gets to be chopped in half by Vindor, right?
RANSOM: Me, dibs!
MARINER: No, I said me. I touched it first.
RANSOM: Come on. Give it to me, Jack Ransom. It's mine!
MARINER: No! No!

[Corridor]

(The invaders are leaving graffiti all over the walls.)
BOIMLER: Aah! Translation. Bark hugging root smoochers? What the heck got these guys so wound up? Gah, this is totally gonna mess up my schedule.
GELRAKIAN 2: Don't move, human! We have you surrounded.
BOIMLER: Yeah, but I... I have a phaser. (shoots them) These guys are lightweights. This is what the red alert's about?

[Bridge]

(Freeman is trying to do everything.)
BOIMLER: Captain, I just phasered some Gelrakians? Er, hello?
SHAXS: Intruder! (tackles Boimler) Oh, it's just that huffy ensign. Sorry, Brimler.
BOIMLER: I'm not huffy.
FREEMAN: Why aren't you at your post? We wouldn't even be in this situation if you weren't slacking off.
BOIMLER: I'm not!
FREEMAN: Damn it! We're 15 minutes behind. Our entire schedule is going to be off for the month.
BOIMLER: Wait a minute. Clocks, time, schedules. You guys are under the strict scheduling, too?
FREEMAN: I have to be. I'm manning every station on my own.
BOIMLER: What? No, no, no, no, no. This is all wrong. You're the captain!
FREEMAN: I need us working harder and faster and stricter!
GELRAKIAN [OC]: Where are you hiding your crystals?!
BOIMLER: We don't have any crystals! I mean we do have dilithium, but we're not giving you those.
(The Gelrakians force the turbolift doors.)

[Jail]

RANSOM: Trial by combat is my responsibility. I'm ranking officer, I'll be fighting Vindor, end of story!
MARINER: Rank means nothing right now.
RANSOM: (gasp) Rank means everything always!
MARINER: You know what, I do get off on breaking protocol. I'm good at exploring strange new worlds, solving space mysteries and kicking asses. Protocol is for people that need to be told what to do, which I don't. See this bad boy? (scar) Tentacle guy, bunch of arms. Stabbed me with a barnacle blade. Check it out. (more scars) Magus III, Nanibia Prime, Scottsdale. That was a mess. I earned every one in high-concept fights just like this one. So? What do you got? Let me see your scars.
RANSOM: You know I don't have any.
MARINER: Because you play it safe. You said it. That's our team under that geode. Let me do what I'm good at. Let me save them. Sometimes you have to do what's wrong to survive.
RANSOM: You're right.
MARINER: Argh! What the?! Ah, God, oh! You stabbed me in the foot with a battle blade!
RANSOM: I'd rather die than let you put your life on the line.
MARINER: Oh, you are such a psycho! What are you doing? Ow! Why?
RANSOM: I'm the First Officer of a Federation starship, and your commander. And nobody crushes my team.
(rips off shirt to reveal ripped abs) Let's do this!
(Walks through the jail door.)

[Arena]

CROWD: Vindor! Vindor! Vindor! Vindor!
VINDOR: Vindor!
(Ransom drops the battle blade.)
VINDOR: Vindor?
RANSOM: Come on, big guy. I only need my hands for this one.
(The fight starts. Ransom barely comes up past Vindor's waist so he easily out-manoeuvres him.)
RANSOM: Ha-ha-ha! Yah! Ha-ha! Double-fist punch! Oh!
MARINER: Whoa, that was actually kind of hot. Ugh! Get it together, Mariner, get it together. You are not into this. Come on.

[Hull]

GELRAKIAN: Let's see how much those Federation wood lovers like our crystal graffiti. Ha-ha-ha!

[Bridge]

(Shaxs fights off the Gelrakians.)
FREEMAN: I... I need to get back to comms.
BOIMLER: Captain, listen to me.
FREEMAN: Don't touch me! This is all my fault, thinking I belong at a peace summit when I can't even keep my own ship together.
BOIMLER: What? Captain, no. You did nothing wrong. Your schedules, your rules... this has been the greatest week of my life. You run the tightest ship in Starfleet.
SHAXS: Captain, we need to act now!
FREEMAN: Tightest ship. Then why is it falling apart?
BOIMLER: Because not everyone is a Boimler. This crew has their limits. They're only human. Well, and Vulcan. And Orion. There's that Benzite guy in Tactical.
SHAXS: Damn it, man! If you're trying to inspire some sort of resolution, then inspire it now!
BOIMLER: Ugh, it kills me to say this, but for the good of the ship we have to... loosen up.
FREEMAN: Loosen up? But then we're right back to buffer time.
BOIMLER: Yes, when people could do whatever they had to to get the job done. You're a great captain. Let them be a great crew.
FREEMAN: You're... you're right! I am a great captain!
(A clock finally ticks through 47...)
FREEMAN: Attention all decks. As of now, I am authorising all crew to break any rule, abandon any protocol, and cut any corner to defend the Cerritos. You are Starfleet. Do what you have to do to take back this ship. Buffer time!

[Arena]

RANSOM: I demand a peaceful negotiation. Yah! I respect your sovereignty.
MARINER: Mmm, so ethical.
(Vindor gets knocked down. The crowd boos.)
RANSOM: Interlocked hands!
VINDOR: Stop! Stop! I submit!
RANSOM: I thought you only said "Vindor."
VINDOR: It's so the other guys think I'm strong and dumb. But I'm not. I love to read!
GAMBA: Ugh. Well, all right, you're free. You're all free. Everybody's free.
VENDOME: Whoo-whoo! Starfleet!
MARINER: Oh, I see how it is. You're gonna stab me, but then you don't stab Vindor? What are your priorities, Ransom? I ju... Whoa!
GAMBA: We got to stop doing trial by combat, or we'll never get to use the geode.
VINDOR: How about a regular trial, with a judge? And instead of the geode...
GAMBA: Oh! We could do a death race! Start building a crystal car!

[USS Cerritos]

GELRAKIAN: Crystals.
(They get their butts handed to them, retreat to their ships and fly away. Later everyone is out on the hull lasering off the graffiti. The shuttlecraft flies to the planet.)

[Planet surface]

(And this time the box contains the honour crystal.)
GELRAKIAN 2: Hey, sorry about the whole invading your ship thing, you know? Very un-crystal-like of us.
SHAXS: Don't worry about it. I'd rather be here with you than with those freaks on Mavok Prime. Wood-worshiping freaks, right? Come on.

[Sickbay]

T'ANA: You'll be fine. Want me to clean up those disgusting scars?
MARINER: No way. No, these are my trophies.
T'ANA: Congratulations, you look like a f*****g scratching post.
RANSOM: Mariner.
MARINER: Commander.
RANSOM: I would appreciate it if you give me a heads-up before you file your report. It would give me some extra time to pack up my free weights. There's a ton of 'em.
MARINER: What report?
RANSOM: For stabbing you with a battle blade. That's a guaranteed court-martial.
MARINER: I am not filing a report, actually.
RANSOM: But... I thought you hated me.
MARINER: You talk about yourself a little too much, but stabbing me, breaking protocol? That was actually pretty cool. Sometimes I forget what Starfleet's all about, and today you reminded me. Plus, this is gonna make a good scar.
RANSOM: A great scar. Take her away, boys!
MARINER: Wait, what? Why?
RANSOM: Because you ignored me when I ordered you to roll down your sleeves. They're against code.
MARINER: The sleeve thing? You're an idiot.
RANSOM: You just earned an extra day in the brig!
MARINER: Joke's on you, man. I love the brig! I'm going to my favourite place! Next time, I'm gonna let somebody kill you. I'm gonna dance in your blood!
RANSOM: Okay. That was kind of hot.

[Ready room]

(Door bell.)
FREEMAN: Come.
BOIMLER: You wanted to see me, Captain?
FREEMAN: It took the eyes of a child to see what we were blind to today, Boimler. If it wasn't for you, we would still be following every little rule in the book.
BOIMLER: Wait, is that bad? 'Cause I love rules.
FREEMAN: We're instituting a new ship-wide mandate, and we're calling it the Boimler Effect.
BOIMLER: Really? I... I'm honoured.
FREEMAN: You should be. The Boimler Effect is about encouraging shortcuts and preventing people from just blindly following the rules. From now on, the crew can build in buffer time whenever they deem fit. Congratulations. Dismissed.
BOIMLER: Oh. Well, hey, how about we add a little thing about how important it is to blindly follow rules? If my name is going to be associated with...
FREEMAN: No, the Boimler Effect is literally the opposite of that.
BOIMLER: But I don't know... I don't know how I feel about that, and... Is it in ink? Is it already in the system? Is it... Wow, it's on a plaque.
FREEMAN: Get back to your station and do whatever you deem right.

[Crew bunks]

BOIMLER: I get a whole rule named after me, and it's all about not following rules.
RUTHERFORD: Don't worry about it, man. They're always making up new rules no one ever remembers. I'm sure this one will fade, too.
TENDI: Yeah, this isn't something to worry about. No one will remember.
(Boimler has the plaque.)

[The Far Future]

LECTURER: Which is why the Boimler Effect is something we will never forget. So named after the laziest, most corner-cutting officer Starfleet history, Brad Boimler, seen here with one of the great birds of the galaxy. Anyway, let's move onto somebody even more important, perhaps the most important person in Starfleet history, Chief Miles O'Brien.