[Conference room]

FREEMEN: The Merced is here to ensure the generation ship is preserved during transportation, and I want everyone to give them full support. Captain Durango and I both served on the Illinois many years ago, and it is a true delight to be able to work with him again.
(Mariner yawns.)
FREEMAN: Trouble sleeping, Ensign?
MARINER: Nah, I slept great. I mean, maybe too good, honestly.
FREEMAN: Just distribute the PADDs.
DURANGO: Starfleet believes this alien vessel is equipped with unique terraforming technology. An elemental fluid which can transform inert matter into a living ecosystem. Towing it will be a delicate procedure. Even the slightest flux in tractor beam stabilization could damage...
MARINER: (yawns) Oh. Oh, I am so sorry. I'm sorry. It is just so much information. I don't know how you guys aren't yawning.
DURANGO: Your crew doesn't appear to appreciate the gravity of our undertaking, Captain.
FREEMAN: I assure you, Captain, my people are the best in the fleet. They're proficient, alert and... Mariner!
MARINER: I am trying to hold it in! (big yawn)

[Ready room]

MARINER: Urgh! I had to yawn, okay? I'm sorry. That guy is super boring. Like, oh, I'm boring. I love museums and dust and old gates.
FREEMAN: I know he's boring. He's been boring for 15 years! But right now, he's telling everyone on the Merced that I don't have the respect of my crew. If you ever disrespect me like that again, I'll skip the court-martial and blow you out the airlock.
MARINER: Cool. Well, live long and prosper.
FREEMAN: Don't you give me that sarcastic Vulcan salute! Beckett!
RANSOM: Captain, I have the sensor data that you requested.
FREEMAN: Huh? Oh, right. The sensors. Urgh. I'm sorry, Jack. It's just Ensign Mariner. Urgh. I feel like she stays up all night coming up with new ways to piss me off.
RANSOM: I honestly don't know why you haven't kicked her off the ship. Ahem. But since it's not my job to question your motives, if you wanna avoid conflict, why not reassign her to all the worst jobs? That way, transferring would be her idea, not yours.
FREEMAN: Hmm. Well, we could reassign her to all the nastiest jobs on the ship. That way, transferring her would be her idea, not mine.
RANSOM: Brilliant plan. That's why you're the captain.

[Crew bunks]

BOIMLER: Assignment time! Hatchi machi! I got conference room clean-up duty. In your face!
MARINER: Last time I checked, that was very lame. Why would you dance? That's not a danceable job.
BOIMLER: That's where all the senior officer action happens! Plus, they have access to better replicator programs than we do, and sometimes they let you eat with them!
MARINER: It's, like, basically the same food.
BOIMLER: No, it's not! They get, like, gnocchi and fritters and... doesn't matter. It's good, okay?
RUTHERFORD: Oh, man. I got to monitor power fluctuations in the tractor beam? I wanted to monitor power fluctuations in the impulse relays.
TENDI: Rutherford! I'm about to go watch an ascension.
RUTHERFORD: What? That's amazing! What's an ascension?
TENDI: Some people who master the art of alien meditation can achieve inner peace. Then they transcend the physical realm and become a being of pure energy. Isn't that cool?
RUTHERFORD: Oh, like a Q or a the Traveller?
TENDI: No! It's more like studying so much for a test that you literally become the test. You become everything!
RUTHERFORD: Damn, that is cool.
TENDI: I can't believe I actually get to see it in person! I wonder if it's gonna make a sound like vrr or hmm or whoo. I guess I'll know soon!
MARINER: Anyway, let's see what I got assigned. Turbolift lubing, holodeck waste removal and scraping carbon off the carbon filter?
BOIMLER: Ooo. Those are the worst jobs on the ship. Scraping carbon off of slightly harder carbon? That's Klingon prison stuff.
MARINER: This is weird.

[O'Connor's quarters]

(A mandala is completed.)
TENDI: Wow. Wow. Oh.
O'CONNOR: As I grow closer to decorporation, words start to lose meaning. Om.
TENDI: Hey, are-are we supposed to join in? Mmm. A tzutchian gong?
(She tiptoes over to look at it.)
ALL: Oh. What's happening? Is he ascending? I think he's ascending. He's ascending.
TENDI: Really?!
(She knocks the gong off its support and it goes rolling...)
TENDI: No, no, no, no! (and trips and slides) Ah!
O'CONNOR: My sand mandala! No, no, no, no!
TENDI: I can fix it! I can fix it!
O'CONNOR: I've been laying that for two years! It was a physical representation of my inner calm!
TENDI: No, no, it's gonna... It's gonna be totally fine. Just keep ascending! Computer, colourful sand, room temperature. Well, er... there. See? It's... it's... it's all good. We're good. We're good. It's fine. Er...

[Corridor]

MARINER: If I had known I was going to be emptying the holodeck biofilters, I wouldn't have had so much for breakfast.
BOIMLER: Welp, have fun with your terrible jobs. I got to go clean the executive conference room and eat some lobster ravioli. Peace.
(Vulcan salute waved around as he gets in the turbolift.)
MARINER: Er, no. Uh-uh. Sorry. It does not look cool when you do it. Damn it, it does.
(Holodeck waste removal involves large canisters of green gas.)

[Turbolift roof]

(Shaxs knocks aside the Ensign At Work sign and gets in. It whizzes upwards.)
MARINER: Computer, emergency stop turbolift nine!
(She gets sprayed with lube as it stops.)
MARINER: Urgh! Hey, I'm working up here!
SHAXS [OC]: Sorry.

[Repair Bay]

(Three of them are phasering strips of carbon off a giant filter unit.)
MARINER: Oh, this is the worst! Oh, wait a minute. Hey, buddy, do you want to make this interesting?
CREWWOMAN: How? Like, bet on who can finish their piece first?
MARINER: Yeah.
CREWWOMAN: All right, sure. Why not?
CREWMAN: Yeah, I'll get in on that.
(Mariner wins.)
MARINER: All right! Hell yeah!
(Ransom sees the cheering.)

[Engineering]

BILLUPS: Syncing tractor beams in three, two, one.
RUTHERFORD: Whoa. I was wrong. These fluctuations are great. Aw, man, look at these amplitudes!

[O'Connor's quarters]

TENDI: Hi. Um, I just... I feel terrible about the... you know.
O'CONNOR: Don't worry about it. Don't talk to me.
TENDI: Anyway, I went and found a Hiverian metronome, and apparently, if you just relax and let it sync to your biorhythm, we can get you back on track and ascending by this afternoon!
O'CONNOR: You think I can realign a decade of spiritual enlightenment by this afternoon?!
TENDI: Tomorrow morning at the latest. You just have to find your calm. Ah!
(He snatches the metronome and smashes it against the door frame.)
O'CONNOR: I... don't... want... your... help!

[Bridge]

FREEMAN: Has Mariner submitted her transfer request? I'm going to frame it.
RANSOM: She's... having a great time.
FREEMAN: What?!
RANSOM: She's finding little ways to inject joy into otherwise horrible tasks.
FREEMAN: Then give her worse jobs.
RANSOM: I've got her emptying *** out of the holodeck's ***** filter!

[Ready room]

FREEMAN: Urgh. People really use it for that?
RANSOM: Oh, yeah, it's mostly that.
FREEMAN: Oh, if she finds a way to enjoy that, then what the hell are we gonna do to get her to resign?
RANSOM: I don't know, but there has to be something on this ship she hates.
FREEMAN: Hmm. Ensign Mariner, report to Conference Room Five.

[Conference room]

(Boimler is cleaning the windows.)
MARINER: Whoa-hoa, another conference room meeting? Shocker. You guys debating the Prime Directive again? Pretty fascinating stuff.
(The officers laugh.)
MARINER: What is...? No, no. No laughing. I was making fun of you, not with you.
FREEMAN: Well, since you're one of us now, I guess you're making fun of yourself.
(Box with rank pin in it.)
MARINER: What? No.
FREEMAN: Ensign Beckett Mariner,
MARINER: No, no, no, no.
FREEMAN: I am pleased to grant you a promotion.
MARINER: No!
FREEMAN: Congratulations, Lieutenant Mariner.
(Ransom gives her a yellow uniform jacket.)
BOIMLER: Lieutenant? Lieu... Lieu... Lieutenant?
FREEMAN: Looking forward to serving with you for a long, long time.
SHAXS: Good job, Mariner. Well earned, well earned.
BOIMLER: This is real! This is real!
MARINER: Wow! Thanks. I'm gonna take off.
FREEMAN: Oh, right after this very important meeting.
SHAXS: All right, meeting's started. We need to choose new conference room chairs. A beige chair with a leather strip right down the middle.
T'ANA: Hey! We all agreed that a strip of leather is too ostentatious.
SHAXS: We did not all agree.
BILLUPS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened to the barstools?
SHAXS: Barstools hurt my back.
BILLUPS: You're not sitting on them right.
SHAXS: Not sitting on them right? I've killed better men for less.
BILLUPS: No, you haven't.
SHAXS: Well, I've threatened to kill better men for about the same.
FREEMAN: Strap in. This will take a while.
BILLUPS: Barstools are cool!

[Mariner's quarters]

RANSOM [OC]: Lieutenant Mariner, report to command prep for mission audit.

[Bridge]

BILLUPS: It's a monumental find, Captain.
FREEMAN: Starfleet Command ought to just start engraving my name on a plaque right now. Oh, and yours, too, Durango, of course.

[Ransom's office]

MARINER: There. I'm done.
RANSOM: Great work, Lieutenant. Now you get to audit the audit.

[Mariner's quarters]

RANSOM [OC]: Lieutenant Mariner, report to the officers' lounge for management training.
MARINER: No...

[Officer's lounge]

FREEMAN: ♪ Oh, za-beeba-dodden, doo-bah-dum-dow, yeah! ♪ And that's why being a captain is a lot like vocal jazz. It's all about the notes you don't scat.
MARINER: Oh, no. No.
FREEMAN: Now, here to teach us about promoting diverse perspectives, welcome Lieutenant Winger Bingston Junior in his one-man show, The United Federation of Characters.
BINGSTON: Oh, hello. Didn't see you beam in there.

[Mariner's quarters]

RANSOM [OC]: Lieutenant Mariner, report to executive poker.
MARINER: Oh...

[Officer's lounge]

FREEMAN: Look alive, Mariner. This game's about to get very interesting. Hmm. I... fold.
RANSOM: (sucking teeth) Fold.
SHAXS: Kudos, kudos.
T'ANA: Hmm...
MARINER: She folds! You all fold! Every time you all fold! You fold!
T'ANA: Don't tell me what to do! I'm gonna fold.
MARINER: I'm all in! Woops. I got nothin'. Guess I lose.
SHAXS: Are you out of your mind?! We don't go all in! It's a friendly game!
MARINER: Oh-ho-ho... No.

[Lounge]

TENDI: Here I am, trying to help the guy ascend, and he won't even give me a chance! I want to help him so bad it hurts!
RUTHERFORD: Geez, I get that you want to see an ascension happen, but, like, isn't this a bit much?
TENDI: No! It's not enough! I owe it to O'Connor. I'm just gonna have to study the ancient ways twice as much, just frickin' blow 'em away with spirituality.
RUTHERFORD: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I don't think it works like that.
TENDI: Yeah? Well, it's gonna have to. Wish me luck! And you can finish my lunch.
RUTHERFORD: It's okay. I don't need another lunch. Oh! Pudding!

[Mariner's quarters]

BOIMLER: You get your own quarters?
MARINER: Yeah. It's the worst. I'm so far away from everyone.
BOIMLER: What did you do? How did you... how did you get this?
MARINER: Same thing I usually do.
BOIMLER: But... but I go above and beyond, and you don't even try. Why would they...?
MARINER: I don't get it, either, man. Bad is good. I don't know.
RANSOM [OC]: Lieutenant Mariner, report to ops for review of scheduled ops.
MARINER: Oh, great! Ops! Pray for me.
BOIMLER: So... they like when you break rules, huh?

[Engineering]

TENDI: Utique, saeculorum, lapsu...
O'CONNOR: Oh, don't you have work?
TENDI: Oh, I'm using my vacation days. So I realised if you mix and match prayers from different cultures, you can increase your chance of ascending. We can beat the system!
O'CONNOR: Please! Just get away from me!
(She releases annoying flying insects.)
TENDI: These florkas are a vital part of the ascension process for the Tamarians.
O'CONNOR: Stop it! Don't come near me anymore. You don't get to be the hero here, because you are the villain.
TENDI: (gasp) Just centre yourself for five minutes! Please. I'll align your chakra. I'll Reiki you.
O'CONNOR: No!

[Corridor]

BOIMLER: I gotta figure out a way to be bad. Get a promotion. Got to be bad, Boimler, got to be bad.
BARNES [OC]: Ensign Boimler, report to bridge duty at 1530.
BOIMLER: Oh, I'll report to bridge duty, and they'll get exactly what they deserve!
BARNES [OC]: What?
BOIMLER: Uh... Oh, nothing. That was a holodeck. Er, Moriarty. Exactly what they deserve.

[Ready room]

FREEMAN: Mariner. Hi. Care to share a status update?
MARINER: I don't know. We're towing a rusted old ship full of mummies?
FREEMAN: If you don't feel like you fit in here, I could find you a post on another ship.
MARINER: Mmm, no, thanks.
FREEMAN: Don't forget, all senior officers are meeting up later for Ransom's birthday. It's mandatory. He's going to sing and play acoustic guitar... for hours. And the songs, oh-ho, well, he wrote them! They're all about the month he lived in Barcelona.
MARINER: You know, I get what you're trying to do here, and it is sick.
FREEMAN: I'm doing exactly what I need to. It's called being a captain.
MARINER: No, it's called being a dick!

[Merced bridge]

DURANGO: Are we reading any vibrations in the hull?
OPS: No, sir. The transport is going smoothly. All readings are nominal.
DURANGO: Move us closer to the generation ship.
HELM: Sir, I... I believe the Cerritos is in a better position to...
DURANGO: We're in charge of this mission, Lieutenant. Our positioning should reflect that. Take us in.
HELM: Yes, sir.
(The generation ship's hull starts to buckle.)

[Bridge]

RANSOM: You know, there's no peninsula more sensual than the Iberian.
BARNES: Commander. The Merced is manoeuvring awfully close to our tow sector.
RANSOM: What? Put them on-screen. Captain Durango, you are way out of formation.
DURANGO [on viewscreen]: I don't have to explain myself to you, Commander. The protection of this artefact is my duty. Mine!
(The hull ruptures and the liquid escapes into space, travels along the tractor beam and starts to terraform the Merced.)
RANSOM: Durango!
HELM: Sir, I'm reading a highly carbonised particle cloud erupting from the generation ship.
DURANGO [on viewscreen]: Terraforming emulsion has engulfed our hull! It's transfor...
HELM: It's being funnelled towards us on the tractor beam!
RANSOM: Evasive manoeuvre alpha!
HELM: It's too late!

[Ready room]

RANSOM [OC]: Captain, we have a serious problem here.

[Bridge]

RANSOM: Terraforming fluid is dissolving the hull. Structural integrity is in serious jeopardy of breaking...
BOIMLER: Here's your coffee, sir. Whoops.
(The hot coffee 'spills' onto Ransom's lap.)
RANSOM: Aah! Are you out of your mind?!
COMPUTER: Environmental irregularities detected.

[Corridor]

BILLUPS: Emergency forcefield, corridor 89!

[Ready room]

FREEMAN: Whoa!
MARINER: Did you feel that? Humidity's up. The pressure just dropped. I think the air's being modified.
FREEMAN: Not on my watch.
MARINER: This is your watch, right now. It is literally happening now.
FREEMAN: Oh, can you not, even for a moment...
MARINER: Look out!

[Corridor]

COMPUTER: Unauthorised terraformation.
RUTHERFORD: Whoa!

[Engineering]

(Flooding.)
CREW: Ah!
TENDI: What's happening?
O'CONNOR: I don't know!
TENDI: No! Damn this gorgeous coral!
O'CONNOR: Well, this is just great! I could have been one with the universe right now. This is all your fault!
TENDI: You know what? I'm glad you didn't ascend, 'cause you're a jerk!
O'CONNOR: Yeah, right. You've been obsessed with ascending me.
TENDI: I don't care about you ascending. All I really wanted was for you to like me!
O'CONNOR: Wait. What?
TENDI: It kills me when someone doesn't like me. I can't sleep. It's all I think about. It feels like ants in my brain.
O'CONNOR: Yeah. No, I get that.
TENDI: Oh, please. You haven't had a negative thought for years.
O'CONNOR: Well, since we're gonna die here, I'll just tell you. I was never going to ascend. I was faking.
TENDI: What? Why?
O'CONNOR: It's hard to stand out in Starfleet. This gave me an edge. It was my thing. I was the ascension guy. But then, I was going for so long not ascending that I got worried that people would catch on, which is why I used you as cover. I'm a jerk.
TENDI: We're both jerks! We wanted to be liked, and lied about it. I think that means we're best friends! I'm about to die with my best friend!

[Tunnel]

(Digging through newly formed rock.)
MARINER: If we can get down to the environmental controls, there might be a way to reverse this.
FREEMAN: Are you sure that's the best rock for this?
MARINER: What? Yes. No. Yes, it's fine. It's a rock.
FREEMAN: Look, I'm... I'm just saying, I think you should use the shale over there.
MARINER: Mom, it is the same thing. Just leave me alone.
FREEMAN: It's just maybe you'd want one with more of a point.
MARINER: Oh, my God! Why do you have to second-guess every choice I make?
FREEMAN: ...suggestion to help you, Beckett. What... what am I supposed to do? Just stand by and let you keep making a mistake?
MARINER: What I would prefer is if you would just let me do me. (they break through) There. See? The rock was fine.
FREEMAN: Yeah, well, we could have gotten here faster.
(Abseiling down vines.)
FREEMAN: You're going a little fast, don't you think?
MARINER: Yep. I thought you wanted fast.
FREEMAN: Not that fast. Are you trying to get us killed here? Make sure you're gripping with both hands. You know, okay, okay, you know what? Maybe I should just lead.
MARINER: Oh, my God! Will you just stop?! I am good at this. Just trust me!
FREEMAN: Well, I'm just looking out for you.
MARINER: Yeah. That's the whole problem, Mom. You treat me like a child.
FREEMAN: Well, if you would stop acting like a child and more like a mature crew member, then I would treat you accordingly.
MARINER: Oh, you think I'm immature? You're the one trying to trick me into quitting. How is that mature? Yeah, that's what I thought, Carol.
FREEMAN: You did not just call me Carol.
MARINER: Whatever, Carol.

[Engineering]

(Treading water.)
O'CONNOR: Oh, no, this is it!
(Tendi dives, pulls a spore off a tendril and attaches it to the bulkhead. When it goes off, it blow a hole in it and they wash through.
BOTH: Ah.

[Corridor]

O'CONNOR: No!
(He pushes Tendi out of the way of a falling boulder, and gets squashed himself.)
TENDI: Aah! No!
O'CONNOR: Get out of here! I'll be okay. You need to save yourself.
TENDI: No way. I'm not leaving you!
O'CONNOR: Tendi, it's okay. I did this for you.
TENDI: Noooo!

[Environmental control]

(Mariner and Freeman come out of a Jefferies tube.)
FREEMAN: Yes! The systems are still online.
MARINER: Affected areas are saturated with carbon polymer dust. We need Parizene gas. Flood the ship, then trigger a reversion with radiation from the main deflector. Unless you think we should use a pointier rock.
FREEMAN: No, that's... exactly what I was going to suggest. I'm just impressed. You read my mission brief, didn't you?
MARINER: No. I... No. Well, I mean, maybe a little, but just ironically, just so I could make fun of it.
FREEMAN: Uh-huh. Okay. Computer, hit it.
COMPUTER: Hitting it.
(Purple gas, the plants and rocks turn to orange liquid.)

[Corridor]

TENDI: Oh, my gosh. We're gonna be okay!
O'CONNOR: Holy sh**. I was so ready to die.
TENDI: You saved my life.
O'CONNOR: You saved mine first.
(They kiss, and O'Connor starts to float away.)
O'CONNOR: Oh, no. What's happening?
TENDI: Oh, my gosh, you're ascending!
O'CONNOR: I am? I am! Oh. Ah!
TENDI: It must have been when you saved me! When you were willing to sacrifice yourself for me!
O'CONNOR: I pretended to be finding myself for so long, I guess I actually did! I... Ow. Ooh, okay. Wow. Oh, that actually burns. Er, is this supposed to be happening?
TENDI: Uh-oh. Okay, you're smoking.
O'CONNOR: It burns. It burns! Aah! Help! Oh, I don't... I don't want to ascend! No! Argh!
TENDI: Drop and roll! Drop and roll! Drop back into the physical and roll. Drop back into the physical and roll!
O'CONNOR: Aah! Time has no meaning! Aah! No, it's happening! I'm everywhere and nowhere! I can see everything! I'm turning into pure energy!
TENDI: Why is it taking so long?!
O'CONNOR: Aah! Aah! I see Abraham Lincoln! The universe is balanced on the back of a giant koala! Why is he smiling? What does he know? The secret... of... life is...
(O'Connor vanishes, and his boots fall to the deck.)
TENDI: Er, all right. Well, good luck being everything. Sorry I helped.

[Environmental control]

FREEMAN: Ransom, report.
RANSOM [OC]: All systems stable, Captain. But the Merced... She had far greater exposure to the terraform cloud. Her life support's critical.
MARINER: Oh, man. At this point, they need a whole new ship.
FREEMAN: Or... a whole old one.
MARINER: Initiating emergency transport for all crew of the Merced to the generation ship.
FREEMAN: Beam them into the stasis chamber. It's still sealed off and should be safe. Huh. Durango should be right at home with some dusty old mummies.
MARINER: Oh, my gosh, we did it. We did it! All crew accounted for!
(They hug briefly.)

[Ready room]

RANSOM [OC]: Captain Freeman, Admiral Vassery is on his way.
FREEMAN: Very good. I'm really glad we found a way to work together.
MARINER: Yeah, you know, it's a nice change of pace. Going for each other's jugulars all the time is kind of exhausting.
FREEMAN: I'm proud of you.
MARINER: Oh. Thanks, Mom.
FREEMAN: Maybe you are fit to be one of my senior officers. Your chair right next to mine, spending all our time together. An unstoppable mommy-daughter team! Admiral Vassery, welcome to the Cerritos.
VASSERY: Starfleet commends your bravery and ingenuity.
(Pins medals on Freeman and Mariner.)
VASSERY: Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to work. Apparently, we've picked up a strange signal on our sense-oars.
(Mocking British enunciation of sensors...)
FREEMAN: Quite all right, Admiral. And what did your sense-oars show?
VASSERY: Well, nothing at first, but the long-range sense-oars revealed...
MARINER: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I am sorry. Are you trying to say the word sensors, 'cause to me you're saying sense-oars. What is that?
FREEMAN: That's how it's said. Sense-oars. Everyone knows that.
VASSERY: Sense-oars. Sense-oars. Yes, that's right. It sounds right to me.
FREEMAN: Me, too. I say it like that.
MARINER: What? No, you don't. This is nuts. Yo, she's making fun of you, dummy. She doesn't say sense-oars.
FREEMAN: Well, of course I do. Stop it.
VASSERY: Is this how your crew treats authority when it's known I mispronounce things? Are you really making fawn of me?
FREEMAN: Admiral, no. (to Mariner) I thought we came to an understanding.
MARINER: Er, maybe you need to adjust your sense-oars.
FREEMAN: Would you just stop?
VASSERY: I have never been shown such disrespect and... Is she yawning?!

[Crew bunks]

TENDI: You know, when O'Connor was screaming and turning into energy, it made me realise that life's too short to be hung up on whether everyone on the ship likes me.
RUTHERFORD: That's great, 'cause I'm sure there's at least a few who don't.
TENDI: And who cares? Not me. So, who are these few people? What did they say? Do they not like me? You know what? I don't care. But if someone said something, I feel like I should know. Who was it?!
BOIMLER: (gasp) Where's your pip?
MARINER: Uh, I'm pretty good at getting demoted.
BOIMLER: In the last hour?
MARINER: Er, yeah. Apparently, the captain doesn't like looking stupid in front of an admiral, so...
BOIMLER: What I... But I... I can't... You... you had everything that I ever wanted in life, and you didn't even care! How are we even friends?
MARINER: Maybe because I still have the senior officer access card for the good replicator programmes.
BOIMLER: Oh! I'm gonna get that macaroni and cheese with the breaded top!