[Briefing room]

(A senior officer's banquet.)
FREEMAN: Emissary, the last few days with you have been very... careful.
EMISSARY: Your hospitality is appreciated, Captain, as are your efforts to prevent me from dooplercating.
(He drops his fork, and gasps. Pause, then Ransom throws his fork on the floor too. Everyone laughs.)
EMISSARY: Er, excuse me. I must ready for arrival to the station.
(He leaves, and everyone relaxes.)
RANSOM: Ah, this has been the most stressful week of my life. How did we get on Doopler duty?
FREEMAN: Well, it's all worth it. We'll get to Starbase 25 just in time for the Command Conference.
T'ANA: Is that the one with the epic after-party?
SHAXS: Oh yeah. Three years ago, Admiral Slattery got so drunk, he commandeered a light cruiser. He didn't sober up till he was halfway to the Delta Quadrant.
FREEMAN: I'll be the only California-class captain there because of my heroics in the battle against the Pakleds. Soon Doopler duty will be a thing of the past.

[Storage bay]

MARINER: (effort) Oof, sometimes this job feels like it's just stacking crates in storage bays. What are we doing next?
BOIMLER: (with PADD) Crate stacking. Storage Bay Seven.
MARINER: I can't believe we're going to be docked right outside the wildest party in Starfleet, but instead of getting torn, we'll be stacking.
BOIMLER: I could be hanging out with so many captains who are looking for their next number one.
(Drops container.)
MARINER: I bet right now you wish you were still on the Titan.
BOIMLER: It was amazing. I swear the replicated water just tasted better. And don't even get me started on how soft the bridge chairs were. Ooo, and the holodecks...
MARINER: Okay. I wasn't looking for the sales pitch. I meant if you were still on a capital ship like that, you'd be guaranteed an invite to this party.
BOIMLER: Yeah, my stupid transporter clone William is probably going. You haven't even met him, but trust me, he's so annoying. Real stickler for the rules, kind of a butt kisser.
MARINER: Wait, wait, shut up, shut up. (grabs PADD) The Titan's on the other side of the system deterring the Pakleds.
BOIMLER: So?
MARINER: So... there's no way they can make it here in time. William's invite is just sitting there. You can pose as your clone, and I can be your plus-one.
BOIMLER: Ah! You're right. Just to be safe, I'll call clone Boimler and make sure he's cool with it. Ow.
MARINER: Are you crazy?
BOIMLER: You're right. I now realise that was crazy.

[Lounge]

(A decal is applied to the saucer of a model starship.)
TENDI: After a hard day of working on the ship, nothing relaxes me like building a smaller version of the ship.
RUTHERFORD: Now we just have to get the tiny deflector shields online. Boy, before I lost my memory, I did some great work on this thing. Look at those phase inverters.
TENDI: I like mini Mariner bossing around tiny Boimler in the itty-bitty bar.
RUTHERFORD: Huh, there's something etched onto the side of the manifold. Looks like old me left some directions on how to get the shields working. Field distortion amplifier 88. And then there's three squiggly lines.
TENDI: What does that mean?
RUTHERFORD: I don't know. Heh. But if I did it once, I can do it again.
(Mini-phaser beam gets activated.)
MAN: Ah!
RUTHERFORD: Oh, sorry.

[Bridge]

(At the Starbase.)
ANDERSON [on viewscreen]: Ah, Captain Freeman. I guess this means you've had a good trip with your Doopler guest.
FREEMAN: It was exhausting.
(Door opens.)
FREEMAN: Between us, I can't get him off the ship fast enough.
(And closes. Frantic eye gestures.)
RANSOM: Er...
FREEMAN: The man is so emotionally fragile.
EMISSARY: Fragile? Was I too much trouble?
FREEMAN: No, no, no, no, no, you were great. I love having you here.
EMISSARY: I was a bad guest. I'm so, so...
(Wibbles.)
EMISSARY: Oh, no.
EMISSARY 2: dooplercated. This is so embarrassing.
FREEMANN: No, it's... it's fine.
EMISSARY 2: Nothing is more mortifying than dooplercating.
(Both wibble again.)
BOTH: We both did it. Argh!
(And another is created.)
EMISSARY 3+4: Oh, he just dooplercated.
EMISSARY: Don't look at me.
FREEMAN: Stop. It's fine. You are all great.
(So many duplicates are created that Shaxs has to move over.)
ANDERSON [on viewscreen]: Freeman, I can't risk this station being overrun with Dooplers. The Cerritos won't be allowed to dock until you sort this out.
EMISSARY: We aren't allowed on the station?
(More being created. Shaxs gets crushed against the door to the briefing room?)

[Crew bunks]

(Mariner is trying new hairstyles.)
MARINER: Oh, yeah. Looking sassy. Yeah.
BOIMLER: Should we be in skants for this?
(The full length frock coat uniforms.)
MARINER: Nobody wears those anymore. Don't overthink it.
BOIMLER: Right, but maybe we could take our skants in a bag just in case we get there and everyone's in a skant?
FREEMAN [on screen]: Attention, all decks. The Dooplers are exponentially duplicating, which is a totally cool thing to do. If you see a Doopler, just smile and look away.
EMISSARY: You're telling the whole ship about us?
(And duplicates.)
BOIMLER: Does that mean we're not going?
MARINER: It means we're definitely going. Chaos on the bridge means no one's gonna notice one little transporter override. Come on.
BOIMLER: Ooo.

[Starbase 25]

(They materialise on the Promenade.)
BOIMLER: Whoa, I've never been on a station this old. It's like a whole city.
MARINER: Yeah, it's great, but it kind of smells like pee sometimes. Come on, we got to find the party. The location's always secret.
BOIMLER: This place is massive. How are we gonna find anything?
MARINER: Follow me. I used to live here.
BOIMLER: Of course you did.
MARINER: Ooh, they've got a Quark's now. That used to just be an empty lot where teens would make mistakes.
TELLARITE: (into comms) Remember Becky Mariner? She's back.

[Promenade shop]

(Various goods including a 3D chess set.)
BOIMLER: What are you doing? We don't have time to shop.
MARINER: Hmm.
(They are confronted by a being with a gun.)
MALVUS: You dare set foot on this station after what you did to me, Becky?
BOIMLER: Becky?
MARINER: Oh, get over it, Malvus.
MALVUS: I should disintegrate you for stranding me on Ceti Alpha IV, which I'll have you know is much worse than Ceti Alpha V.
MARINER: I don't strand people.
BOIMLER: She stranded me on Rubicon III.
MARINER: You stranded yourself.
BOIMLER: What about on Axilus?
MARINER: Oh. Okay, yeah, I stranded you there.
MALVUS: Your boyfriend has it right.
BOIMLER: Yuck.
MARINER: he's not my boyfriend.
MALVUS: Ah, it's nice to meet someone who understands how hard it is working with her.
BOIMLER: And the same to you.
MARINER: All right, I'm sorry I left you on Ceti Alpha. I really thought there was life there. Listen, we could really use your help.
MALVUS: I know what you want. That stupid Starfleet party.
MARINER: You have to know where it is.
MALVUS: Of course I do. And I'd be happy to share it, if you help me move some merchandise to storage.
MARINER: Aw, crates.
BOIMLER: Wait, hold on. What's in them?
MALVUS: Limited edition Commander Data bubble bath.
BOIMLER: You sure this isn't a Lore?
MALVUS: Meh, a couple might be Lores.
RUTHERFORD: Hmm.

[Lounge]

(Still working on the model, the engines ignite and Rutherford has to grab it by the nacelles.)
RUTHERFORD: Oh. Watch out. Hot, hot, hot, hot.
TENDI: The engines work, but no lights.
RUTHERFORD: What am I doing wrong? Oh, hey, another message from last-year me. Shield emitters equal sign squiggly line?
(Shaxs enters with a bevy of Dooplers.)
SHAXS: All right, clear out. This area is being used for emergency Doopler holding.
(And more appearing all the time.)
EMISSARY: There's so many of me.
RUTHERFORD: Hey, careful.
EMISSARY: Oh, no, I bumped your toy.
RUTHERFORD: We need to find somewhere to finish the model.
EMISSARY: You're leaving because of me?
RUTHERFORD: Yeah. I mean, it's pretty clear.
(And loads more appear.)

[Bridge]

FREEMAN: There's no need to feel embarrassed.
EMISSARY: Thank you. You're very kind. Wait. That's what someone says when there is a reason to be embarrassed.
FREEMAN: Okay, I'm just not gonna say anything. We can just be silent.
EMISSARY: She's giving us the silent treatment. That's even worse.

[Turbolift]

RUTHERFORD: This should fix the harmonic... (drops the model) Ow. Who rerouted power through the harmonic dampeners?
TENDI: I guess you did?
RUTHERFORD: Ow. Stupid me.
TENDI: Maybe we just put it away.
RUTHERFORD: No, I have to finish this.

[Corridor]

(Filled with Dooplers.)
RUTHERFORD: Excuse us. Sorry. Ow. Excuse me!
EMISSARY: Oh, no. We're in the way.
RUTHERFORD: Run.
EMISSARY: We're in the way! Aw, sugar.

[Starbase 25]

(Mariner has got them a vehicle, Boimler has one of the Data bubblebath bottles.)
BOIMLER: Hey, we could bring one of these into the party and be like, anybody order bottle service?
MARINER: You know what? You didn't have to tell Malvus I abandoned you. It was an accident.
BOIMLER: We were just having fun.
MARINER: I wasn't. That was a private thing between you and me.
BOIMLER: You're always telling people embarrassing stories about me.
MARINER: That's different. My stories are hilarious. And you're the one that abandoned me.
BOIMLER: What?
(A siren behind them.)
BOIMLER: Ooh, crap, crap, crap.
MARINER: Oh, it's security. They're pulling us over.
BOIMLER: Ah. We're not supposed to be here.
MARINER: Shut up. Just stay calm.
BOIMLER: Yeah. Yeah. Er... Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
MARINER: We just got stopped by security.
MALVUS [on screen]: They're always amped up on party day.
MARINER: Yeah, for a moment I was worried this was a stolen kart or something.
MALVUS [on screen]: It's not, but the illegal weapons under the bubble bath are.
BOIMLER: Ah! Klingon disruptors.
MARINER: Malvus!
MALVUS [on screen]: Enjoy the penal colony.
BOIMLER: Let's just explain that we were tricked into carrying illegal cargo by your criminal friend.
MARINER: No, station security has a rep for being crooked. They aren't gonna let us off with a warning and a glass of Thai iced tea. They'll coerce a confession, then sell our combadges on the black market. Lucky for us, they're terrible drivers.
BOIMLER: Why is that lucky?
(Mariner puts the pedal to the metal. They have three vehicles chasing them through the station's various main areas.)
KLINGON: Dabo.
BOIMLER: Casino. Barber shop. Fine men's clothing.
(And out through the front window of the Lucky Ferengi onto the Promenade.)
MARINER: Get out... What?
BOIMLER: Hey.
(Swerving round a Captain Pike wheelchair.)
MARINER: Backwards time.
(Leaving security to crash into the kiosk. Mariner turns the kart around.)
BOIMLER: Whoa! Fish people.
(Smashing through the aquarium.)
MARINER: Sorry.
AQUATIC: Hey, we're not people.
BOIMLER: Don't go down the stairs.
MARINER: Dude, I would never go down the stairs. Ha, ha!
(And goes up the stairs instead and into the shuttle bay.)
BOIMLER: Vulcans. Vulcans. Vulcans!
VULCAN: Fascinating.

[Repair shop]

(The Dooplers are still duplicating.)
RUTHERFORD: I can't take it anymore. Hey. Hey. I got a model here. Stay back.
EMISSARY: This is humiliating.
TENDI: We got to get to higher ground.
(She climbs onto a damaged shuttlecraft, while the model gets knocked out of Rutherford's hands and underneath it.)
RUTHERFORD: Oh.
TENDI: Forget the model. Are you crazy?
RUTHERFORD: Got it. (he climbs up) We can escape through the maintenance hatch.
TEND: It was sealed off months ago. Don't you remember?
RUTHERFORD: No, Tendi, I don't remember. And that's the problem. My whole deal is repairing starships. If I can't fix this little toy, then I don't even know who I am anymore.
TENDI: You're still Samanthan Rutherford.
RUTHERFORD: Am I? The old me was better. I can't figure out his notes, and I'm, like, a year behind being friends with you. It's like I'm competing with my own ghost.

[Starbase 25 aviary]

(Crashing through the biome.)
MARINER: Cool, the aviary. I went on a date here once.
BOIMLER: Avians. Oh, God. Oh, God. No, no, no, no.
(Another police kart crashes, dislodging an Aurelian sphere home.)
FEMALE: Oh yeah. Let's move to the aviary, he says. It'll be so quiet, he says.
MARINER: Ha. We lost 'em. Never doubt me.
(The groundskeeper is in their way.)
GROUNDSKEEPER: This is how I die.
(The kart hits a rock and flies over him, somersaulting into a lake and sinking.)
GROUNDSKEEPER: Aw, still alive.
(Mariner pulls Boimler from the lake.)
BOIMLER: I barfed up bubble bath.
MARINER: Yeah, I was there. Thank you for the update.
BOIMLER: We can forget about the party, because guess what? We're probably getting arrested instead.
MARINER: No way. I didn't put on underwear for nothing.
(She finds the PADD.)
MALVUS [on PADD]: Mariner. Thank the gods whom I worship that you're alive. (chuckles)
MARINER: Shut up. If you don't tell me where that party is, I'm telling security I know who those disruptors belong to.
MALVUS [on PADD]: But you would get arrested, too.
MARINER: Yeah, and then we'd both be in the same cell. Just you and me.
MALVUS [on PADD]: All right, all right. I'll send you the location. But you still owe me.
MARINER: I owe a foot up your ass. Ballroom Alpha? Oh, that's where all the big parties are. How is that even a secret?
BOIMLER: I knew we should have brought the skants.

[Ballroom Alpha entrance]

BOIMLER: This is stupid. We're soaking wet.
MARINER: Shh, shh, shh, there's the bouncer.
BOUNCER: Name?
BOIMLER: Brad... William. Boimler. USS Titan.
BOUNCER: Go on in.
BOIMLER: It worked.
MARINER: Yeah, he just... he loves being on lists. Very excited. Whoa.
BOUNCER: Not you.
BOIMLER: This is Beckett Mariner. She's my plus-one.
BOUNCER: What ship you on?
MARINER: Er, the Voyager-D.
BOUNCER: Mmm. Beckett Mariner, ensign on the Cerritos. Nope, sorry. Luna-class and above only.
MARINER: Ah, they're not letting me in. Whatever. There's, like, a million other things to do on a station this big.
BOIMLER: But this is the best thing, right?
MARINER: Fine. Just go in without me.
BOIMLER: I'm not gonna abandon you out here.
MARINER: Oh, please. You love abandoning.
BOIMLER: No, I don't. You're the abandoner.
MARINER: You didn't think twice about taking that promotion to the Titan. You just couldn't wait to leave me, just like everybody else.
BOIMLER: You're still mad about the Titan? Why didn't you bring it up before?
MARINER: Of course I'm still mad. I've been waiting for you to apologise for weeks, you dumb jerk.
BOIMLER: How was I supposed to know that? Maybe try being honest sometime. Duh. Whatever. I earned that promotion, but I guess you have to make it all about you. Some friend.
BOUNCER: Hey. It's tough being vulnerable. Believe me, I know.
MARINER: Yeah... shut up.

[Ballroom Alpha]

BOIMLER: (takes a drink) Whoa. Whoa, Captain Shelby and her number one. Ah. Captain Exley and his number one.
MAN: Hey, you made it. I haven't seen you since Centauri IV.
(Walking straight past Boimler.)

[Repair shop]

EMISSARY: This is so awkward.
EMISSARY 2: You're telling me.
RUTHERFORD: I'm sorry I can't finish the model. I just have to get used to knowing that the old me was a better engineer.
TENDI: What? Rutherford, you have it all wrong. Old you never finished it, either.
RUTHERFORD: What do you mean?
TENDI: We always stopped at the warp core, and then we'd start over again.
RUTHERFORD: Why?
TENDI: Because as long as we were working on this, people left us alone. It was like our social deflector dish. We got to hang out without anyone bugging us.
RUTHERFORD: So all these notes from old me...?
TENDI: Are probably just to slow down and buy time.
RUTHERFORD: I wasn't smarter than me.
TENDI: I'm glad you're feeling better. Too bad we're gonna get crushed.
RUTHERFORD: Not if we detonate the warp core.
TENDI: Come on.
(They insert the keys with tweezers.)
COMPUTER: (high-pitched) Ejecting warp core in five, four, three, two...
RUTHERFORD: Hot, hot, hot, hot.
(He throws it at the maintenance hatch. It explodes and the hatch opens. They jump for it, Tendi grabbing Rutherford when he slips.)
RUTHERFORD: Er... Whoa.
EMISSARY: Is this because of us? (hatch closed) They don't like us.

[Promenade bar]

(A Lurian is slumped over a table, probably not Morn.)
MARINER: Er, can I get five more of these?
BARTENDER: You, er, think that's a good idea?
MARINER: Hmm. Interesting. I'm actually going for bad idea.
BOIMLER: Put those on my tab. Plus a prune juice spritz.
MARINER: Don't tell me the party was boring.
BOIMLER: It was amazing. Nonstop sliders.
MARINER: You love sliders. So, why'd you leave?
BOIMLER: It just wasn't fun.
MARINER: Hmm. Not enough famous admirals?
BOIMLER: There were, but... you weren't there to make fun of them with me. (sighs) I'm sorry I left for the Titan the way I did. I guess I was worried you would talk me out of it. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I didn't even know you had feelings.
MARINER: Of course I do. I just don't show them to everyone. I don't know why I make an exception for you.
BOIMLER: Maybe because you're my number one.
MARINER: (laughs) Wow. No, if anything, you're my number one. I'm your mentor.
BOIMLER: Nice try. We've already done that.
MARINER: It goes by force of personality. Me. Then you. No, don't make me bump you down to number two. Thanks for coming to hang. I'm sorry I ruined the party.
BOIMLER: I can replicate sliders whenever I want back on the Cerritos. Who needs to be at the coolest, most prestigious party of the year?
(Both sigh.)

[Bridge]

(Floorspace completely taken up by Doopers.)
SHAXS: I'm sorry, Captain. The crowd has me now.
EMISSARY: Oh, no.
FREEMAN: Enough. Enough! Stop being such whiny little s***s.
EMISSARY: Wha... What did you say?
FREEMAN: You idiots need to shut up and stop being sniveling babies.
(Two Dooplers growl and merge back into one.)
FREEMAN: Did you see that? I berated them, and they recombined.
RANSOM: Getting embarrassed makes them lose control, but getting pissed helps them get it back. Hey! You're a jerk.
EMISSARY: Excuse me?
FREEMAN: (comms) Attention, everyone. Stop being careful around the Dooplers. Yell at them. Call them spineless punks. I know we're Starfleet, but really give them a piece of your mind.
SHAXS: Your pagh is weak, and it disgusts me.
EMISSARY: I don't even know what that is, but I don't like your tone.
(Lots of Dooplers recombine.)

[Engineering]

BILLUPS: This is Engineering. You're in my house now. You wouldn't know a reecon converter from a tulox shifter.
EMISSARY: How dare you?
EMISSARY 2: I am a guest.
(Four into two.)

[Sickbay]

T'ANA: F****** f****** f****** you s*** face.
(Single one left.)
EMISSARY: You, madam, have crossed the line.

[Bridge]

FREEMAN: ..endangered my ship, ruined my plans. Oh, I hope a temporal anomaly wipes out any record of your existence!
EMISSARY: I've never been treated like this in my entire life. And now I am going to my quarters.
(The sole remaining Emissary leaves.)
FREEMAN: Ransom, T'Ana, Shaxs, you're with me. We can still get to our party.

[Promenade bar]

BARTENDER: All right, who's drinking? Hey, cheer up. They've been running that stupid party for generations. (laughs) You're not the first two to end up in here after striking out.
MARINER: Oh, yeah? What is that? No way.
BOIMLER: What?
(Two names scratched into the bar.)
BOIMLER: Oh! Captain Kirk drank here?
BARTENDER: He and his pointy-eared pal tried to party-crash back in, uh, what was it? 2260 something. Ended up right here.
MARINER: Lady, you do not look that old. I am very jealous. Respect.
BARTENDER: Appreciate that, baby.
BOIMLER: Kirk and Spock drank here? Kirk and Spock?
BARTENDER: The blond one did most of the drinking.
BOIMLER: This is amazing. This bar's, like, history.

[Ballroom Alpha]

FREEMAN: We're here for the captain's party. We didn't miss it, did we?
BOUNCER: Nope, they go all night long.
RANSOM: Boom.
BOUNCER: Hold on.
FREEMAN: Oh, they're with me.
BOUNCER: And you are?
FREEMAN: Captain Carol Freeman. Of the Cerritos?
BOUNCER: You're not on the list.
FREEMAN: I fought alongside the Titan at the Battle of Kallah.
BOUNCER: Kudos. You aren't getting in.
FREEMAN: Grr. John. Captain Anderson. Could you tell him I'm the Pakled captain?
ANDERSON: Okona. How are you?
FREEMAN: Anderson. Okona is in there?
BOUNCER: He's the DJ.
FREEMAN: What? He's not even Starfleet. This is outrageous.
RANSOM: Maybe we should go.
FREEMAN: Our ship might not be the biggest, and we might do the missions nobody else wants, but we are still Starfleet. My crew deals with just as much s**t as Picard's or any other. We might be California-class, but we are the best at what we do. I'm Captain Carol Freeman, this is my crew, and you are letting us into that party.

[Promenade]

RANSOM: I liked your speech, Captain.
FREEMAN: Thank you, Jack.

[Promenade bar]

MARINER: Hey, check it out.
BOIMLER: Should we hide?

[Promenade]

FREEMAN: I deserve more respect. I once escorted the Enterprise out of Spacedock, damn it.
T'ANA: Oh, I hear you. One time, I let Admiral Verma put a c*** up my *****.
MARINER: Hey, guys. You bail on that big party?
FREEMAN: Er, yeah, that's right. It was fine. Just, you know, too loud in there.
MARINER: Oh, cool. Er, well, if you're not partied out, we're drinking at Kirk's old bar. You want to check it out?
EMISSARY: Excuse me, Captain Freeman? Thank you for de-duplicating me. I really need to work on my confidence.
FREEMAN: Yeah, you do.
EMISSARY: My meeting doesn't start for another hour. I'm wondering if you know any place I could relax. You know, someplace calm.
FREEMAN: You know what? I do. Captain to Transporter Room Two.

[Ballroom Alpha]

ANDERSON: Excuse me? This is a private party.
EMISSARY: Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.
(And starts duplicating rapidly.)

[Bar]

RUTHERFORD: I can't believe I almost got crushed competing with myself.
TENDI: Well, since you're a new Rutherford, I figured it was time for a new model.
(Deep Space Nine - made by Quark.)
RUTHERFORD: Ooo, it comes with an Ezri and a Jadzia. Thanks, Tendi.
TENDI: Let's never finish this one.
FREEMAN: You know what? This worked out pretty well. Everyone I actually like to socialise with is here.
MARINER: Yeah, turns out this is the best party in the quadrant. Right, Number One?
BOIMLER: Right. Hey.
MARINER: No, too late. You're my number one now.
BOIMLER: It doesn't work like that.
FREEMAN: Yes, it does. I watched it happen.
BOIMLER: No, Captain, don't do that. I want a redo.
MARINER: No, you're my sidekick from now on.
BOIMLER: I am not.
MARINER: Boimler's my number one. Now he has to grow a beard.
(Mariner + Boimler is scratched into the bar next to Kirk + Spock.)