[Transporter room]

FREEMAN: Starfleet Command entrusted me with this mission because of our experience with the Pakleds last year. Negotiating a cease-fire would be a huge achievement.
SHAXS: If you keep doing Picard-level peace-brokering like this, they might give you an Enterprise.
FREEMAN: Well, I don't know about that. Remember, it's just the Pakleds. This shouldn't be too complicated.

[Pakled Planet]

FREEMAN: Ambassador Grubdin.
GRUBDIN: Welcome, Captain Janeway. Pakled Planet is big and strong.
FREEMAN: Right. Well, I'm actually Captain Freeman of the Cerritos. I'm here to discuss a cease-fire.
GRUBDIN: Oh, I was misinformed. I do not have a big enough helmet to make cease-fires.
FREEMAN: Okay. Well, then I need to talk to someone with a bigger helmet.
(A Pakled comes running out of the big gold building, yelling.)
SHAXS: Stay back.
PAKLED: Guys, the prisoner Rumdar. He ran away from Pakled Planet to her ship.
GRUBDIN: You. Why did you steal Rumdar?
FREEMAN: I can assure you, we did no such thing. (comms) Ransom, is there a Pakled on my ship?

[Shuttlebay]

RANSOM: That's an affirmative, Captain.
RUMDAR: This ship is strong. I can live here now.
RANSOM: We think he's requesting asylum.
GRUBDIN [OC]: No!

[Pakled Planet]

GRUBDIN: Until she gives Rumdar back, Janeway stays here.

[Mess hall]

BOIMLER: Guys, it's pretty cool that the captain gets to negotiate peace, right?
MARINER: Er, yeah. I'm sure she's thinking the same thing.
(Their PADDs light up.)
MARINER: (sigh) Nothing ruins breakfast like a work assignment. Oh, no, anomaly consolidation duty?
BOIMLER: Oh, yes.
RUTHERFORD: Argh. I got it, too.
TENDI: So did I. What's anomaly consolidation?
BOIMLER: You get to go around the ship and collect the bridge crew's research materials from their missions.
MARINER: It's trash day. It's our bosses - who have accumulated all sorts of stuff - saying, hey, peons, come pick up our trash.
RUTHERFORD: Dangerous science trash that can't just get recycled in a matter recombinator. We have to pack it up and send it to a facility.
TENDI: Could be a nice break from our usual duties. Maybe it'll be fun.
MARINER: Oh, sweet, sweet Tendi, no. ACD is the most degrading day of the year.
BOIMLER: Don't listen to her. This is gonna be great. Ah!
(Boimler picks up his tray, stumbles and ends up with his cereal all over his face. Tendi laughs.)
TENDI: Sorry. I-It's just the face that you made. I couldn't help it.
BOIMLER: Okay, all right, we're all having so much fun at my expense.
(Four Ensigns at another table.)
CASEY: Hey. Boimler, right? Heard a lot of buzz about your time on the Titan.
BOIMLER: Oh, er, Ensign Casey. Hi. You guys heard about that?
CASEY: You're a legend. Listen, we've got this little club where we help each other rank up, and right now we're down a member.
ANDORIAN: P'jok got promoted to the Ventura.
BOIMLER: What? No way.
CASTRO: That's what the Redshirts do. We help each other land promotions. One day we'll all be captains.
BOIMLER: You call yourselves Redshirts?
CASTRO: Cool name, right? Makes us sound invincible.
BOIMLER: But why would you want me to be one? I mean, I got the red shirt, but is there, like, a form I need to fill out?
KZINTI: You served with Riker. That kind of experience is super valuable.
CASEY: Listen, there's gonna be an acting captain's duty up for grabs later today. Only us Redshirts know about it.
BOIMLER: Ah! Acting captain? Like... like on the bridge?
CASEY: You tell us Riker stuff today, I'll get you in the running for the big chair.
BOIMLER: But... I have ACD.
CASEY: Anomaly duty? No sweat. We'll pull some strings, get you out of it.
BOIMLER: Er... I don't know.
CASEY: It's awesome that you served on the Titan, but there has to be a reason you're back on the Cerritos. You don't carry yourself like a leader. We could help you with that. But if you're not interested...
BOIMLER: Ah, er... wait. I'm in. Let's do this.
CASEY: Excelsior.
MARINER: Unbelievable. Boimler's cosying up with those brown-nosers to get out of trash day? Such a great call.
TENDI: More trash for the rest of us. I smell adventure.

[Corridor]

RANSOM: So, what has you seeking asylum? Religious persecution? Leading a rebellion? Some sort of sex stuff?
RUMDAR: I want to see how the shields work.
RANSOM: You want to see our top secret defensive schematics?
RUMDAR: Yeah, and your crimson force field, too.
KAYSHON: Er, I will see if it's operational. (leads Ransom away) You getting Bazminti when he pulled back the veil vibes from this guy?
RANSOM: Oh, yeah. (comms) Captain Freeman? Our Pakled refugee appears to be more of a Pakled spy.
FREEMAN [OC]: What? He hasn't gotten anything, has he?
RANSOM: No, I think we'll be okay. He just took a photo of his own foot.
(With a flash camera in his wristband. He also manages to photo his own face.)
FREEMAN [OC]: Hmm, this could work to our advantage. Maybe he'll reveal something about the attacks. Keep him talking.
RANSOM: On it.

[Outside Ransom's office]

TENDI: Ransom's always going on fun away missions. You just know he'll have crazy anomalies we can check out.

[Ransom's office]

RUTHERFORD: Oh, great. A pile of unlabelled crystals. You're supposed to keep stuff like this in a lab.
MARINER: Ignoring protocol. Yeah, one of the perks of being a commander.
(Rutherford uses tongs to put a purple crystal into a container, where it explodes into purple bubbles.)
TENDI: Oh, man. Ooo, this is neat. You can tell from the occipital bone that this was one big froggy.
RUTHERFORD: Tendi, whoa, easy. I think that's from the planet where everything evolved all weird.
(He takes the specimen jar with the tongs, but it shrieks, he drops it, it breaks and green gas goes up his nostrils.
RUTHERFORD: Er... Oh.
MARINER: Ah. Whoa. Whoa, Rutherford, you're blowing up.
TENDI: It's altering his biomatrix.
RUTHERFORD: Whoa, whoa. I got a big ole body.
MARINER: Stop moving around.
RUTHERFORD: Oh. I can't stop. I'm big beyond belief. Oh, no.
(Getting even bigger, squashing Mariner against the ceiling.)
MARINER: Tendi, grab the red vial.
TENDI: Got it.
MARINER: Smear that crap on his nose.
(Tendi jumps up and does so. Rutherford shrinks back to normal.)
RUTHERFORD: Yuck.
TENDI: You just experienced full molecular engorgement in a matter of seconds. Did it feel amazing?(Walking past as Rutherford is sick down his tunic.)
CASEY: Hey, Boimler, how often did Riker clean his trombone?
CASTRO: Oh.
BOIMLER: Oh, constantly. It was actually kind of disruptive.
CASEY: I need to learn to blow something brass.

[Corridor]

(Rumdar is decked out in souvenir shirt and cap.)
RANSOM: Okay. So, that was our top secret Starfleet gift shop. Next, how about we show you the er, high-security juice bar?
RUMDAR: No. Now I want to see the warp core.
RANSOM: Sure, sure. We'll get you there, big guy. (to Kayshon) We're not exactly dealing with the Tal Shiar here. Let's see if we can get him to tell us about their systems. Wait. Where'd he go? Computer, locate Pakled refugee.
COMPUTER: No Pakled detected.
RANSOM: What? Did he leave the ship? Did he somehow cloak himself?
COMPUTER: Unknown.
KAYSHON: Zinda, his eyes red. I'll check engineering.
(Elsewhere.)
TENDI: Okay, let's see what the next awesome anomalies are.
(In lab 4005 Tendi sniffs a plant, Mariner does the same and gets spikes fired into her face. Lab 4006, Mariner gets a shock from a... oh, that looks so familiar but the name escapes me. Lab 4007, Tendi spills some pink liquid from a Retroovian flask that sticks Mariner to the ceiling. She has to be phasered down.)

[Pakled Palace]

PAKLED: You want a rotten mushfroot?
FREEMAN: Er, no, thank you. I just want to talk cease-fire with whomever's in charge.
PAKLED: Oh. Janeway turned down mushfroot.
(Fanfare.)
PAKLED 2: Her Majesty the Queen.
FREEMAN: Ah, Your Highness, allow me to...
QUEEN: You can't kill Rumdar. Rumdar is our prisoner. We will kill Rumdar.
FREEMAN: I can assure you, Rumdar's in good hands. Nobody is killing Rumdar.
QUEEN: Prove it. I want to talk to Rumdar.
FREEMAN: (comms) Ransom, put the Pakled refugee on the line.
RANSOM [OC]: Er, actually, we've temporarily lost track of him.
FREEMAN: What? Rumdar is, er, in the bathroom. But he said that you should negotiate a cease-fire.
QUEEN: Oh, I don't have a big enough helmet to do that.
FREEMAN: Are you sh**ing me?

[Wardrobe]

CASEY: Boimler, you need to look like a leader if you want people to treat you like one.
KZINTI: First, you've got to fix this posture. You're like this when you need to be like this.
BOIMLER: Oh, wow. I didn't realize my spine went that far. That's new.
ANDORIAN: Now, this outfit? Oof. This is not a good look.
BOIMLER: We all wear this. It's a uniform. The captain literally wears the same thing, and she's...
ANDORIAN: Right now this uniform is wearing you. Easy to fix with a few modifications. Ooo, did Riker modify his uniform?
BOIMLER: What? No. I mean, I guess they had to put a lot of extra room in his pants. For his legs, I mean. 'Cause he's tall. You know what they say. Tall guy, big legs.
ANDORIAN: Oh, my God, your hair. Wow, I didn't even take in the hair.
BOIMLER: I like my hair. I'm a cutie. This is good hair.
CASEY: But would you follow it into battle?
BOIMLER: (sigh) Maybe just a trim?
(Later -)
ANDORIAN: Introducing the new and improved Bradward Boimler.
(Shoulder and chest pads and a high fade haircut.)
BOIMLER: Oh, I feel amazing. Oh, look at these shoulders. Damn. Starfleet royalty.

[Corridor]

(Mariner growling as the group encounter Boimler and the Redshirts coming out of the room.)
TENDI: Boimler? You look amazing.
BOIMLER: Thank you. The Redshirts gave me a makeover. I... I might have a shot at acting captain. Whoa, is that a Retroovian flask?
TENDI: Er, you know it.
BOIMLER: Careful. Those can release a gelatinous spray that traps you in this...
MARINER: Yeah. We know.
(Casey clears his throat.)
BOIMLER: Oh, eh, got to go. But I want to hear everything later. Watch out for that spray. It'll mess you up.
(Boimler knocks a container off the cart.)
RUTHERFORD: Damn it, the Nanobots. Billups can calculate warp variance, but he can't remember to tighten the lid on a jar.
TENDI: Aw, but come on. How often do we get to be face-to-face with these tiny terrors? Bright side, they're not full-sized robots, right? Right?
(The blue nanobots are on Mariner's hand.)
MARINER: Tendi, this stuff is eating my fingerprints. There's no bright side. Stop trying to make this fun.
TENDI: But...
MARINER: What is your deal, okay? Every day isn't gonna be some pristine, exploratory adventure. Sometimes it's work, and it sucks. Get used to it.
TENDI: Okay. Sorry.
(Behind the group.)
KAYSHON: Where could he be? He's giant and brown.

[Theatre]

CASTRO: Being captain is the role of a lifetime. Leader. Fighter. Lover. The captain needs to always be prepared to give a rousing speech, so go ahead. Rouse them.
BOIMLER: Er, what am I supposed to speech about?
CASEY: Ooo, a temporal rift.
KZINTI: Oh, oh. With a plasma grid.
ANDORIAN: And the replicators are broken.
CASTRO: Sounds like a crew that could use some inspiration.
BOIMLER: Right now? Okay. Er... ahem, attention, crew. Er, I'm your captain. I'm Captain Boimler. Er, we've got a plasma grid and a temporal rift. Sorry, you said temporal rift, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, er, lots of danger. But as sure as er, this is my captain's chair, er, you can count on me 'cause I'm your captain. Yes, sirree.
CASEY: We should mutiny.
BOIMLER: Sorry, sorry, no, no, no. I know that wasn't good. It's just this isn't the same as actually being on the bridge.
CASEY: The bridge is wherever you are. Close your eyes, think about Riker, and say what he would say. From the heart. His heart.
BOIMLER: Look, I may not know exactly what we're up against, but I do know that in this, our darkest hour, I'm grateful. Grateful to have a ship and a crew I trust with my life. Now, I'll be honest. There's no guarantee we're gonna get out of this. But if we do, it'll be because of your combined talent and dedication. It's been the honour of my life to serve as your captain. But we're not dead yet, so how about we go in and kick some ass. Red alert. Take us in.
(Applause brings him back from his imaginary bridge.)
CASEY: Now that sounds like a captain.

[Migleemo's office]

TENDI: Wow, even Doctor Migleemo has stuff? I didn't know he even went on missions.
MARINER: That's a pile of random junk. Come on. Even you have to admit that.
TENDI: No. And honestly, I'm getting tired of you guys whining all day. If you're so over anomaly collection, then I'll just do it myself.
RUTHERFORD: Okay. Works for me.
MARINER: Oh, great idea.
TENDI: Okay, let's see. There's this dusty goggles thing. Ooh, half of some sort of sword. You guys are really missing out. Look, he's throwing out a perfectly good storybook.
(Three little pigs become three massive boars who start wrecking the place.)
TENDI: Oh, it's one of those energy field books that makes stories come to life. Come here. Get back in this book.
RUTHERFORD: Huh?
(Tendi gets tossed out of the office, knocking a container of Orange off the cart. It breaks, of course, and a gelatinous giant slug creature swallows Tendi.)
TENDI: Oh, no.
RUTHERFORD: Tendi!
MARINER: Urgh. Okay, we just got to find the right hypospray. Er, hang tight, Tendi. Don't get digested. Er, er... Ha.
(She finds a hypo, but then Tendi's feet start poking out of a puckered opening in the rear of the slug. They pull her out.)
MARINER: Urgh.
(She hypos the slug down to tiny size.)
RUTHERFORD: Oh, my gosh. Are you okay?
MARINER: D'Vana?
TENDI: You were right. Anomaly consolidation day is the worst.
MARINER: Hey, we've all... I mean, who among us hasn't been pooped out by an alien creature? It is not a...
RENDI: Don't touch me!

[Pakled Palace]

SHAXS: Captain, this is going sideways. I recommend we beam out now.
FREEMAN: No. We have to make this work, or it'll turn into a big brown Pakled smear on my record.
KING: I am King Pakled.
FREEMAN: Finally. It is an honour to meet you, sir.
EMPEROR: I am emperor of the Pakleds.
FREEMANN: Okay. Well, then, it's an honour to m...
(Pakleds crash through the windows on ropes.)
REBEL: Rebelution! Die!
(The Pakled factions fight, and the Emperor is killed.)
REBEL: The big-helmeted Pakleds will no longer control us. Ooo. (puts on crown) I am now Pakled leader. Behold my giant helmet.
PAKLED: He is strong.
(Freeman groans.)

[Corridor]

BOIMLER: You know, I was a little sceptical at first, but I really am feeling way more captainy than usual.
CASEY: Now you have to start living like one, too.
BOIMLER: Oh, you mean like sitting in a centered chair all day or...?
CASEY: Nothing tells you about a captain more than the officers they've chosen to have at their side. That's true in your social life as much as it is on the bridge.
BOIMLER: Oh. I've got that covered. My friends are awesome. Look, that's them right there. They've been consolidating anomalies all day. It's pretty cool, right?
CASEY: No, not cool. Those three are always elbow-deep in some kind of slime.
BOIMLER: Yeah, we work in Starfleet. I mean, slime's a given.
CASEY: No, we work in Starfleet. They work for Starfleet.
(Mariner shuts a door on giant tentacles, cutting them off.)
BOIMLER: Okay, hold on. They're the same rank as you or me. And while we've been playing captain all day, they've been doing real work to help the ship.
CASEY: This isn't a friendship. It's a starship. Are you a star or not?
BOIMLER: What?
TENDI: The bridge crew brought in this crap, they should clean it up. I'm not their mom.
RUTHERFORD: Er, I don't know. It's not that bad.
TENDI: It was the worst. I hate this stupid ship!
(The cube she is holding starts to glow.)
MARINER: Whoa, slow to impulse. You love the Cerritos.
TENDI: Oh, I must have sounded so stupid. I thought we were gonna have so much fun picking up the trash. Ha. I even volunteered us for it.
MARINER: Wait, you did?
RUTHERFORD: Why?
TENDI: You guys were always sad that we don't go on cool missions. So Ensign Genius over here figured it would be fun to get closer to the action. But you guys were right. It sucked. And being lower decks sucks. I wish I was still on Orion.
RUTHERFORD: Er, Tendi, that cube's kind of...
TENDI: Today has been totally degrading.
(Tendi starts to transform.)
MARINER: Er, maybe... maybe put down the cube before you...
(Transformation completes.)
RUTHERFORD: We got a scorpion here.
MARINER: What was that cube? There has to be a way to reverse it.
(Scorpion Tendi attacks them.)
TENDI: I'm getting tired of you guys whining all day.
(Then ploughs through Ransom and Kayshon, wrecks the Mess hall.)

[Mess hall]

BOIMLER: Is that Tendi? We got to do something.
CASEY: You're right. The crew depends on us.
ANDORIAN: The Starfleet manual defines danger as a force which causes or tends to cause harm.
CASTRO: It is in times of doubt...
CASEY: A ship that encounters no rough wind is a ship that's never sailed at all.
BOIMLER: Are any of you actually gonna do something?
CASEY: We're doing it. We're inspiring the crew.
BOIMLER: We are the crew! Tendi, I know you're in there. You're gonna be okay.
(She tries to stab him with her giant stinger.)
BOIMLER: What happened? Did she touch a mysterious orb?
MARINER: What? No. It was a cube.
BOIMLER: Oh. Er, I bet it was an Ataxian mood shifter. I've got this. Computer, big bowl of beans, hot. Hey, Tendi. Whoa. I sure hope I don't spill these beans on my...
(On his head.)
BOIMLER: Aah. Aah, God. Computer, birthday cake, lit candles, various temperatures. Wow, it sure is hard carrying this birthday cake with all this bean slime on my...
(Slips, trips, lands face first in the cake. Scorpion Tendi starts to giggle.)
CASEY: What the hell is he doing?
ANDORIAN: Shut up. Look.
BOIMLER: Oh, no, and now the candles have lit my uniform on fire. What a predicament.
RUTHERFORD: It's working. Her emotional armour is weakening.
BOIMLER: Computer, taffy, honey, shrimp, soda, corn, steak, chicken nugget, crispy lemon rock candy, chili, gravy, chocolate sundae. Hot!
(The replicator spews out a torrent of stuff that pins Boimler to the opposite wall. Tendi returns to normal, laughing.)
TENDI: That was such a waste of reassembled proteins.
BOIMLER: It really was. You okay?
TENDI: Yeah. Geez, I was really out of control. Thanks for saving me.
BOIMLER: Oh, of course. That's what we do.
(The Redshirts march off.)

[Corridor]

RANSOM: Oh, no. How long were we out? Rumdar could be anywhere. We never should have underestimated him.
(Kayshon sees a figure floating past the window.)
KAYSHON: Shaka?
RANSOM: Maybe we didn't underestimate him.

[Sickbay]

T'ANA: Holy f***. I don't know how he was able to survive in the vacuum of space, but he's totally fine.
RUMDAR: Er, Pakleds are strong.
KAYSHON: How did you get outside in the first place?
RUMDAR: I went to the bathroom. When I pressed the flush button, I got shot out of a little hatch.
RANSOM: Are you sure you weren't in an air lock?
RUMDAR: Can I have all your codes now?
RANSOM: (laughs) Get him out of here.

[Pakled Palace]

(Surrounded by spear-wielding rebels.)
PAKLEDS: Janeway, die. Janeway, die. Janeway, die. Janeway, die.
(Rumdar beams in.)
REBEL: Ah, Rumdar returns.
RUMDAR: Hi, everybody.
REBEL: We tricked you, Janeway. We never wanted peace. Rumdar was a spy. What did you learn, spy?
RUMDAR: The Enterprise has the biggest bathrooms ever, and she is not Captain Janeway. She is Captain Freeman.
FREEMAN: That's what I've been telling you.
RUMDAR: Ha, ha. I tricked you. And I didn't give up any information, either. I'm a good spy.
FREEMAN: Well, yes, you are amazing. I just wish I knew what information you kept secret so I could know how amazing you are.
RUMDAR: I didn't tell you anything about our big plan to smuggle a Varuvian bomb onto Earth.
FREEMAN: Is that right? Oh, Rumdar, you truly are a master spy.
SHAXS: Two to beam up.
REBEL: Wait a minute. You just beat Captain Janeway.
(Cheers.)
CROWD: Rumdar. Rumdar. Rumdar. Rumdar.

[Cargo hold]

TENDI: Sorry I requested anomaly consolidation duty and, you know, went all scorpion.
MARINER: Don't apologise. The truth is, collecting weird space crap is part of the fun of Starfleet. Ah, we were kind of being punks all day.
RUTHERFORD: We should have fed off your enthusiasm, not tried to tamp it down.
MARINER: Yeah, you know what? The best anomaly today was all your silver linings. And that skull thing.
TENDI: Aw, thanks, guys. Oh, I still smell like slug-digested scorpion, don't I?
MARINER: Yeah. The smell of adventure.

[Corridor]

CASEY: Whoever Ransom picks, remember to keep your cool. I don't want anyone freaking out.
(They meet Boimler at an intersection - he is back to normal.)
CASEY: Sorry, you can't come with us. That move you pulled in the mess hall proves you don't belong in the Redshirts.
BOIMLER: Hey, my friend was in trouble.
CASEY: You made a fool of yourself to make a bug laugh. It was shameful.
BOIMLER: All right, you know what's shameful? Trying to build a persona by copying other captains. You think Riker did that? You guys are wasting your time on this Redshirt stuff. Be your own captains.
CASEY: Cute speech. I'm sure it'll play great on the lower decks. Come on, guys. Guys?
ANDORIAN: I er, I think I'm gonna take a break from the Redshirts, focus on my duties.
KZINTI: Yeah.
CASTRO: Yeah.
CASEY: Fine. I'll try to remember you when I'm boldly going and you're not.
(Ransom approaches.)
CASEY: Sir, I'd like to nominate myself for the acting captain position.
RANSOM: Huh?
CASEY: I'm the best candidate to lead the Cerritos to victory.
RANSOM: Oh. I don't care. Sure.
CASEY: Oh my God, really? Sir, thank you. Sir, I won't let you down.
RANSOM: Quick thinking in the mess today, Mister Boimler. You showed some real leadership.
BOIMLER: Thank you, sir.
CASTRO: Hey, do you want to catch a Winger Bingston show sometime?
BOIMLER: Now, that guy can deliver a speech. You ever see his one-man show where he played all of Jupiter's moons?

[Bridge]

FREEMAN: Just got off the comms with Starfleet. Sounds like we did a great job. I think that deserves a drink.
RANSOM: Count me in. Acting Captain, you have the conn.
(Casey sits in the captain's chair, bridge door opens.)
SHAXS: New shift on deck. Get out of my chair!
CASEY: Ah! Thank you. This... this was a great honour.
SHAXS: Go clean up Air Lock 17. Pakled did something unspeakable in there.
CASEY: Yes, sir.

[Crew bunks]

TENDI: Ooo, and then he deflated back into regular-sized Rutherford.
BOIMLER: Big-body Rutherford? Aw, I missed all the good stuff.
MARINER: Not all the good stuff. Snagged this baby from Shaxs's pile.
BOIMLER: Oh, no way. This is a submanifold casting stone.
RUTHERFORD: A what?
MARINER: We can use it to broadcast our voices to other planets.
RUTHERFORD: What's that good for?
TENDI: Yeah. Like, what are we gonna do, prank call Armus?

[Vagra II]

ARMUS: I wish I had someone to torture.
MARINER [OC]: Hey, Armus. (aside) Shut up, shut up. (normal) You er, you look like a big bag of crap.
ARMUS: Who said that? Show yourself. I am Armus. This is my domain.
MARINER [OC]: Yeah, we already know you're Armus, dummy.
BOIMLER [OC]: Come and find us. We're touching your stuff.
ARMUS: What stuff? Stop that. When I find you, I'm gonna kill you with a flake of my power. I am a skin of evil.
(Steps backwards and falls over the rock he was sitting on.)
TENDI [OC]: More like a puddle of ****.
ARMUS: Damn you.