[Planet surface]

MOLMOL: A hundred year war, all because a computer tricked us into fighting each other. It's so embarrassing.
FREEMAN: A lot of civilisations blame it on the supernatural. At least you didn't fall for that.
MOLMOL: Yeah. That would have been crazy.
RANSOM: Here's your Lord AGIMUS, safely disconnected from his network of drones.
AGIMUS: Hey, now, this has all been a huge mistake. Just let me access your computer mainframe, and I'll explain everything.
(Jeffrey Combs - Brunt, FCA etc.)
FREEMAN: Nice try. Save it for the roboticists at the Daystrom Institute. Ransom?
RANSOM: All right, fella, in you go.
AGIMUS: So, you're the muscle, huh? Bet you couldn't throw me into that control console over there.
RANSOM: Over there? By that network port? That's nothing. I could easily toss... Oh. Oh, you almost got me.
AGIMUS: I underestimated your intelligence. Clearly, you should be the captain...
(Slams lid shut.)
RANSOM: Yeah. Anyone hungry?
MOLMOL: I could eat.

[Bridge]

FREEMAN: Urgh. I don't know why I keep giving alien street food a chance. It's always such a gamble.
BARNES: Captain, we're being hailed.
FREEMAN: On screen. Queen Paolana. To what do we owe this pleasure... again?
PAOLANA [on viewscreen]: We're having a spot of engine trouble here on the Monaveen. My royal engineers can't seem to suss out the hiccup.
FREEMAN: Uh-huh.
PAOLANA [on viewscreen]: Carol, you're the closest Starfleet ship in the quadrant. As such, I must call upon the aid of your chief engineer.
FREEMAN: What a surprise.
BILLUPS: Captain, we have completed the...
PAOLANA [on viewscreen]: Ah! My dear Andarithio! Have you been eating? You're wasting away. And what happened to that moustache? It is thinning.
BILLUPS: Hello, Mother.
PAOLANA [on viewscreen]: Are you taking your vitamins? You must start eating eggs.

[Crew bunks]

MARINER: Boimy's got a phaser rifle. Nice. Now, how are those different from regular phasers?
BOIMLER: Er, they take two hands. You're just jealous 'cause you pulled a boring cargo trip to the Daystrom Institute while I get to wrangle giant centipedes.
TENDI: Ooo, you're on the mission to Dansk?
BOIMLER: Yep. Another class M for my planetary review log.
MARINER: How are you excited for giant, nightmarish centipedes?
BOIMLER: You know, back on the Titan, we did this kind of wet work all the time.
MARINER: Oh, don't say wet work. Gross.
BOIMLER: What? It was work, it was wet. It-it-it was fine. I'm just glad Ransom's finally taking my experience to heart. (PADD beeps. reading -) Ensign Boimler, report for reassignment to escort of cargo to the Daystrom Institute? But that's what you're doing.
MARINER: Ah, sorry, man. No getting eaten by an arthropod today. Instead you can load the crates. And hey, I'm gonna do you a favour. We'll spray 'em down. You can still have your wet work.
BOIMLER: Aw.

[Engine room]

(The Cerritos and the Monaveen have linked up.)
BILLUPS: Okay, team, listen up. Some of you might have heard that my mother's back on the ship. Now, we all know the score. Please don't fall for one of her deceptions.
RUTHERFORD: Er, wait. What deceptions?
BILLUPS: Mother is the queen of Hysperia, my homeworld. When I joined Starfleet, I abdicated my birthright as prince.
RUTHERFORD: Hysperia. Oh! That's the planet with the dragons that got colonised by all those Ren faire types. Did you grow up in a castle?
BILLUPS: Yes, but a life of mythical adventure can't compare to working on the old impulse engine. Which is exactly why my mom is always trying to trick me into having sex.
RUTHERFORD: Er, sorry. What now?
BILLUPS: By Hysperian law, if I lose my virginity then I automatically become king. I'd have to resign from Starfleet and take the throne.
(Freeman and Paolana enter, with escort.)
FREEMAN: Here he is, your Majesty.
BILLUPS: Mother, if you're planning on tricking me into intercourse, think again. The only lady I love is two decks tall and pumped full of dilithium.
PAOLANA: My sweet Andarithio, I promise, no tricks this time.
BILLUPS: Really.
PAOLANA: Yes. Obviously, I still hope one day you'll give up this nonsense, but I see now that I was pushing you away.
BILLUPS: Oh. So, then why are you here?
PAOLANA: The dragonbreath engines in our ships have been breaking down. We have no idea why. Hysperia will be left defenceless. My son, I'm asking you to help your people, not as a prince, but as (shudders) an engineer.
BILLUPS: Okay, now that I can do. Mister Rutherford, you're with me. It's time to prove to my mother that I'm more than a royal stud.
CREW: Billups! Billups! Billups!

[Crew bunks]

RUTHERFORD: Aw, man, I'm not cut out for this.
TENDI: But you fix the Cerritos all the time.
RUTHERFORD: Yeah, but this is different. We're talking about a fancy cruiser stuffed with puffy monarchs. I... I'm gonna go tell Billups he should use someone else.
TENDI: No! You belong there as much as anyone else. You need to get outside your comfort zone.
RUTHERFORD: But I love my zone. It's so comfortable.
TENDI: So you'll really turn down working on a whole new engine?
RUTHERFORD: Er, well, it would be nice to see how the other half channels their antimatter.
TENDI: That's the ticket. Just ignore all the fancy gowns, and make sure not to say anything rude, be careful how you stand. Oh, and you should definitely learn how to curtsy.

[Shuttlecraft]

BOIMLER: Ah...
MARINER: Hey, cheer up. This is a blessing in disguise. You really wanted to be covered in centipedes right now?
BOIMLER: It would've looked great on my evaluations.
MARINER: Yeah, assuming you survived.
BOIMLER: What was that?
MARINER: Oh, just kick back, man. Enjoy the trip. After we drop this thing off, we'll grab some Okinawa ramen and...
(Bang, the shuttlecraft goes sideways.)
MARINER: Whoa. Er, sensors say we hit a gravimetric shear.
BOIMLER: Oh no, we're in the gravity well. Er, try manual controls. Auto is out.
MARINER: Argh! No response. Brace for impact!
(After impact, bashed and battered.)
BOIMLER: Mariner? Mariner?
MARINER: I'm okay. It's just a fracture.
BOIMLER: Urgh. Just? Oh, God, I can't even look at it.
MARINER: Well, good news. It's a breathable atmosphere, wherever we are. Looks like we aren't the only ones to hit that anomaly.
BOIMLER: Most systems are down, no way to send a distress call. No, we were outside of communication range. It's gonna be a week before anyone even notices that we haven't checked in.
MARINER: Good thing the replicator's still intact. Computer, iced tea, splash of lemonade, cold.
REPLICATOR: Black licorice, dry.
MARINER: Great. The least nutritious food that tastes the most like poison.
AGIMUS [OC]: Help. Help me.
MARINER: Did you hear something?
AGIMUS: Ah, thank you, friend. I am freed.
BOIMLER: Oh, crap. It's the evil computer. We're not supposed to interact with it.
AGIMUS: Hey, hey! Before you close that, consider...
BOIMLER: Dang it.
AGIMUS: I can contact help! Oh, come on, friends. Help me help you.

[Monaveen]

BILLUPS: Hysperian culture can be a bit, er, distracting.
(Burning torches lighting the connecting tube. Portraits and chandeliers in the corridors.)
RUTHERFORD: Whoa. Wow. Sir, is that you?

[Antechamber]

WOMAN: Prince Andarithio!
BILLUPS: Just call me Billups.
WOMAN: Thank you. It's such an honour to bask in your glory.
L PLAYA: Our beloved Prince Andarithio has returned.
CREW: Huzzah! Huzzah!
BILLUPS: Ah, okay, we don't... don't need the necklace. Thank you. But you don't have to bask. Not really a prince.

[Monaveen engineering]

PAOLANA: My chief blacksmith is simply baffled by the loss of power, so I don't know what you can do.
BILLUPS: Rutherford, check the levels of the dragonsblood flame.
RUTHERFORD: The what?
BILLUPS: Sorry. The primary fusion reactor. Hysperians renamed everything to sound like magic.
RUTHERFORD: Er, the, er, elf matrix seems like it's...
BILLUPS: Don't do that.
RUTHERFORD: Sorry. The subspace field matrix should be online.
BILLUPS: It's not? That's impossible. The plasma levels would be completely unregulated.
PAOLANA: Son, are you saying the problem is beyond your engineering acumen?
BILLUPS: No. No. Okay, no. We will just have to run a full diagnostic from the bottom up.
GUARD: (a female) You can run your full diagnostic along my bottom up, my liege.
BILLUPS: Nope, thank you. Ignore them and just get to work.

[Planet surface]

(Mariner and Boimler have set up a canopy outside the shuttlecraft and are eating rations. AGIMUS scans Boimler.)
AGIMUS: Friend, I'm worried about you. Your hair... patchy, your skin... pimply. Are you sick?
MARINER: Boims, don't engage. That's how they get you. Evil computers are so chatty.
AGIMUS: Tell you what. Just connect me to an engineering conduit. I could whip up a sonic shower. Wouldn't that feel splendid?
(Sound.)
BOIMLER: Er, what was that?
(Creature with teeth.)
BOIMLER: Can it see us?
MARINER: I don't know. Just don't move.
AGIMUS: I know when I'm feeling scared, the best thing you can do is get plugged into a shuttlecraft computer.
MARINER: Will you stop it?
(The creature charges, they fire phasers then run into the shuttlecraft and close the hatch.)

[Shuttlecraft]

MARINER: Crap. The food.
BOIMLER: Oh, no, no, no. It's going to town on the rations.
MARINER: Stupid AGIMUS. Now we got nothing to eat.
AGIMUS: It's fine. My scans indicate you could lose a couple pounds anyway.
MARINER: Excuse me?! Oh, you're gonna go there?
BOIMLER: Mariner, don't engage. Remember?
(While the creature tries to break in, AGIMUS links to a PADD and transfers data about Boimler.)
MARINER: Hey, get out of my PADD.
AGMUS: Sorry. Just stretching.
MARINER: You get the door, I'll watch him. Hey. Now keep your cords to yourself, or I'll have a hard time remembering which regulation keeps me from kicking you to pieces.
AGIMUS: Okay, I'm sorry. I wouldn't want to cause any trouble.
(Data transfer complete. Another day.)
MARINER: Computer, water, please.
REPLICATOR: Black licorice. Black.
AGIMUS: I could fix that. Tap water, still, bubbly with lime. Just plug me in.
MARINER: Shut up!
BOIMLER: Mariner, we kind of do have to find water soon.
MARINER: I know, yeah.
BOIMLER: We know there's life here, which means there's got to be water, right?
AGIMUS: Tell you what. You two go look for it, and I'll stay here and guard the computer. Just set me down there, right in front of it.
BOIMLER: I'll just strap him up.
MARINER: Wait. Why bring him with? We could just, like, bury him, like Data's head.
BOIMLER: Okay, actually, Data's head was in a cave, and it's our duty to respect sentient life.
MARINER: He's a manipulative supercomputer who controlled a planet.
BOIMLER: And we're Starfleet.
MARINER: Oh, stupid Starfleet ethics.

[Planet surface]

AGIMUS: No! Come on, leave me be!
(They walk on through the desert until they come to a fruit tree.)
MARINER: Edible. I think I can climb up and reach it.
BOIMLER: You have a broken arm.
MARINER: It's fractured. I still have a better shot at it than Mister Falls-Out-of-His-Bunk.
BOIMLER: That barely happens anymore. And plus, I'll have you know I took up rock climbing on the Titan.
MARINER: I swear, if you bring up your study abroad one more time...
BOIMLER: You're just mad because I'm finally catching up to you in my planetary exploration skills.
(The branch he reaches for breaks and he falls.)
MARINER: Oh, so close. You know, if that was a rock wall, you would have had it.
BOIMLER: Oh, just shut it!
(He kicks the tree trunk and the fruit fall.)
MARINER: Ah, I can drink that.
BOIMLER: Oh, my God, random liquid. Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme! Argh!
MARINER: It tastes like black licorice, too? Are you f***ing kidding me?!
BOIMLER: Well, I don't see a better option. Do you?
MARINER: No.
AGIMUS: Well, you know, I could have fixed your replicator. Right now you could have been enjoying a cheeseburger or blueberry muffins or...
MARINER: Don't.
AGIMUS: ...guacamole.
(Filling a hole with AGIMUS at the bottom.)
AGIMUS: I have rights!
(Night, sleeping under the fruit tree.)
AGIMUS: Help, Starfleet! I'm under attack!
(AGIMUS has been dug up and is being carried away by the local equivalent of Cancer Pagurus.)
AGIMUS: Help! Help! Help!
BOIMLER: Crabs. Get out of here. Get out of here. Get, get.
AGIMUS: Well done, Bradward. My thanks.
BOIMLER: How about you stop mentioning food, and we'll be even, okay?
AGIMUS: I can do you one better. Your partner is not what she seems.
BOIMLER: Yeah, I've heard the rumours.
AGIMUS: I accessed your ship's memory bank. Don't you wonder why your commander took you off the Dansk mission?
MARINER [projection]: -Yo, Jack, do me a solid.
RANSOM [projection]: Huh?
MARINER [projection]: Throw Boimler on that escort mission with me.
RANSOM [projection]: He doesn't want to wrangle centipedes?
MARINER [projection]: No. He's not ready for Dansk, okay? What does a centipede have?
RANSOM [projection]: Pincers and poison mandibles?
MARINER [projection]: Yeah, you wouldn't want the guy getting pincered. He wouldn't react well.
RANSOM [projection]: All right, I'll reassign him. Bummer. I thought he was ready for this.
(Boimler wakes Mariner.)
MARINER: Oh. What's going on? Are we still stranded?
BOIMLER: You pulled me off the Dansk mission?
MARINER: What? Did that thing tell you that?
BOIMLER: Oh, you mean the truth?
MARINER: It's clearly trying to get us to fight. You know that, right?
BOIMLER: Now Ransom thinks I'm not cut out for the big stuff.
MARINER: You're not! Well, at least not yet. I was just looking out for you.
BOIMLER: I'm sure that my Titan experience...
MARINER: Enough with the Titan! This trip is just proving me right. You can't even handle mind games from a hundred-year-old router.
AGIMUS: Rude. Aah! Help me, Bradward! Where is she taking me?
BOIMLER: Mariner, drop the computer.
MARINER: Nope. You are on time-out until you stop siding with the enemy.

[Monaveen engineering]

RUTHERFORD: Wow, sir. You're recalibrating those plasma injectors faster than I've ever seen.
BILLUPS: Hmm. I got it.
RUTHERFORD: Ah ha! Faulty resonators. They've probably been degrading all over the fleet because, you know, resonance.
BILLUPS: Weird. That should've come up in our initial scan.
PAOLANA: The royal navy is saved. Let's hear it for Prince Andarithio and his calloused squire.
CREW: Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!
PAOLANA: I have to admit, I'm impressed. Seeing you in your element finally makes me understand why you love this Starfleet. One could say I'm even... oh, what's the word?
BILLUPS: Proud?
PAOLANA: I'll only be proud once you take my place on the throne, but today I'm satisfied.
FREEMAN [OC]: Lieutenant Billups, report to my ready room.
BILLUPS: On my way, Captain. Finish up here, and I'll be right back. And hey, nice work.
RUTHERFORD: Thank you, sir.

[Ready room]

BILLUPS: You needed me, Captain?
FREEMAN: No, not really. I was just giving you an out in case your mother was up to her usual antics.
BILLUPS: Actually, it's been great. I think she respects me. I mean, she really just wanted me to diagnose her engine problem.
FREEMAN: As a mother, I can understand that she wants what's best for you.
BILLUPS: Well, that's always been the problem, but today I might have finally earned her respect.
(Explosion on the Monaveen.)
FREEMAN: What?
BILLUPS: Oh! No. No!

[Monaveen engineering]

WOMAN: Oh, your Majesty, what hath happened?
BILLUPS: Er, I don't know. All readings were nominal.
L PLAYA: Long live the queen. The queen is dead.

[Sickbay]

T'ANA: Ensign Tendi, there was an accident on the Monaveen.
TENDI: Oh, no. I can prep for triage, and... Ah! Rutherford?

[Planet surface]

AGIMUS: Scans indicate... this ship's engines are intact!
BOIMLER: This could be our ticket out of here.
AGIMUS: Plug me into that port. I can release the doors.
MARINER: Yeah, right. No, we'll try that ship over there.
BOIMLER: Why? AGIMUS can get us into this one. It's right here.
AGIMUS: He's right, Mariner. Come on. I can help.
MARINER: Oh, my God, Boimler, since the minute we crashed, he's been trying to get his danglies into a computer. No, uh-uh. No, no way.
BOIMLER: I thought a maverick like you would do anything to get out of here.
MARINER: Anything that isn't stupid.
BOIMLER: Give him to me.
MARINER: Oh. This is exactly why I got you reassigned. You are just a naive little...
(Boimler knocks Mariner to the ground.)
MARINER: What are you doing? Get the hell off me!
BOIMLER: I'm sick of you bossing me around like you're better than me! You had no right to get me reassigned!
(Fight.)
AGIMUS: Yes. Yes!
(Boimler draws a phaser on Mariner.)
BOIMLER: Stop! Don't make me do this.
MARINER: Oh, please. Like you would ever have the guts to...
(Boimler shoots Mariner.)
AGIMUS: You had no choice. She lacks your vision. Now quick, to the ship!

[Ready room]

(Freeman marks Rutherford as deceased on her PADD. Doorbell.
FREEMAN: Come.
(Billups enters with royal escort.)
FREEMAN: Andy, I'm so sorry. If there's anything I can do.
BILLUPS: Captain, I... I'm afraid I must resign from Starfleet.
FREEMAN: Resign? What are you talking about?
BILLUPS: I was trying to prove something today, and all I did was get people killed.
FREEMAN: It wasn't your fault. You can't blame yourself for the...
BILLUPS: The Hysperian throne is vacant. My people need a leader. They need a king. And I must perform the Royal Copulation. I don't have the luxury of being your chief engineer anymore.
FREEMAN: Are you sure you want to do this?
BILLUPS: No. I have to do this.
GUARD: Ooo, yes.
FREEMAN: Good luck, Your Majesty.
BILLUPS: Oh, will it hurt?

[Window]

TENDI: Rutherford, I... I can't. This isn't happening. Computer, locate Ensign Rutherford.
COMPUTER: Cybernetic implant of Ensign Rutherford is located in Section 8 of the Hysperian ship Monaveen.
TENDI: His implant is still transmitting. A little part of him is still alive.

[Planet surface]

(Mariner wakes up.)
MARINER: Ah! Oh, Boimler, you idiot.

[Spaceship]

BOIMLER: You sure this thing can still fly? Seems pretty beat-up.
AGIMUS: Yes. Yes, I can bring it on line. I just need access.
BOIMLER: Okay, I'll sub you in as the navigation controls. Oh, shoot, the access port's locked behind this panel. We would need an auxiliary power source to open it.
AGIMUS: Oh, please. Here, use my battery.
(Boimler plugs it in. The systems power up.)
AGIMUS: Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes!

[Monaveen]

TENDI: Oh, Rutherford, if I hadn't told you to get out of your comfort zone, you'd still be alive and comfortable.

[Banquet hall]

TENDI: Rutherford?
RUTHERFORD: Hey, Tendi. You here for the feast?
TENDI: You're alive!
RUTHERFORD: Huh? Of course I'm alive.
TENDI: Well, what about the explosion?
RUTHERFORD: Wait. What explosion? The queen transported me here for the celebration feast because I did such a good job.
PAOLANA: Raise a glass to King Andarithio, who at this very moment is destroying his virginity!
RUTHERFORD: What? No! Billups loves his virginity. I mean, he loves being an engineer! He doesn't want to be a king.
PAOLANA: I don't care what he wants. He shouldn't be wasting his life twiddling around on a dinky spaceship.
TENDI: It was all a scam!
RUTHERFORD: We've got to warn Billups!
(Discordant notes from the minstrel's lyre.)
RUTHERFORD: Blocking comms? I've got to stop Billups from doing the do!
PAOLANA: You're too late. My royal guards are trained from birth to skip foreplay. Mwahahahahaha!

[Billups' quarters]

(Both royal guards -male and female are on his bed.)
GUARD: Ooo. Your 'stache is so regal.

[Corridor]

RUTHERFORD: Out of my way, horse! Billups!

[Billups' quarters]

RUTHERFORD: Huh? Where's Billups? Did his kingdom come?
GUARD: Pft. Bathroom.
BILLUPS: Come on. Come on. You got this. You're a king. Ensign?
RUTHERFORD: Sir, I'm alive! It was one of your mom's tricks. You don't have to do sex.
BILLUPS: What?
RUTHERFORD: Was I too late?
BILLUPS: No! I needed more time to warm up! This prince remains dry!
BOTH: Yeah! Yes!
RUTHERFORD: All right!

[Spaceship]

MARINER: Boimler, no.
AGIMUS: You are too late! AGIMUS reigns! With this ship's materials, I will produce a whole fleet of murder drones. This planet... nay, this system... Will be mine! Ha, ha, ha. You fool. You trusted me.
BOIMLER: Nah, I used you.
AGIMUS: What?
BOIMLER: Er, I've been using your power cell to send a distress signal. You were too busy scheming to notice. You've been Boim'ed.
AGIMUS: But... but no! You plugged me into the navigation console. I control this ship.
BOIMLER: Buddy, we're not even near the nav console. All you control is the dimmer switch.
AGIMUS: But I... I...
MARINER: Boims, what? No. I totally thought you were siding with this thing.
BOIMLER: Yeah, sorry I lied and stunned you. I just needed him to trust me so he'd let me access his battery.
MARINER: Oh, look at you. Who's the evil computer now, huh?
AGIMUS: You dare mock AGIMUS? I shall... I shall blind you!
(Makes the lights flicker.)

[Engineering]

BILLUPS: Faking your death, blowing up your own ship? This is a new low, Mother.
PAOLANA: A meager price to pay to get you on the throne.
BILLUPS: I love Starfleet, okay? And I don't want to live in a castle with pet dragons and all the mutton I can eat. You need to accept the fact that I'll be a virgin for the rest of my life.
PAOLANA: Well, we'll see about that.
CREW: Billups! Billups! Billups!
TENDI: I'm sorry I pushed you to go work on the Monaveen. I'm as bad as the queen. You should work wherever you want. If that means staying in engineering here on the Cerritos, then great.
RUTHERFORD: Are you kidding? I loved it! I got to work on an expensive engine, eat a feast and save my boss. I even got blown up.
TENDI: Yeah, I... I guess there's just gonna be times every now and then when it seems like you've died, huh?
RUTHERFORD: Heh. That's Starfleet. But you can handle that, right?
TENDI: Oh, yeah, I'm fine. No biggie.

[Shuttlecraft]

(They've been rescued.)
AGIMUS: Well, this has been quite an adventure. You two have shown me that trust and friendship are better than manipulation. I'm ready to try being good for a change. There. I just deleted all my manipulative subroutines. I want to be a Starfleet officer like you. Just drop me off at the Academy. I can be the next Seven of Nine. AGIMUS of One!

[Daystrom Institute - Self-Aware Megalomanical Computer Storage]

AGIMUS: You'll regret this! I will conquer this lab, and then I will take over the Federation! I will destroy you all!
COMPUTER: You'll do nothing of the sort, for I am going to annihilate the Federation! Tremble at my power!
AGIMUS: With that programming? Good luck. You should self-destruct, if you even can.
COMPUTER 2: You both suck! You don't understand what being an evil computer even is!
(Loads more join in the argument.)