[Lounge]

BOIMLER: I can't believe we all have the day off. What should we do? Strategema tournament?
TENDI: Oh, I can't. Doctor T'Ana invited me to a thing on the holodeck. I really need to get on her good side. I can't tell if she likes me or if she makes that face at everyone.
BOIMLER: Oh, okay. Uh, Rutherford?
RUTHERFORD: Hey, sorry, Billups has a new soup recipe he asked me to try out and, after that, I promised Shaxs I'd throw some pottery with him.
BOIMLER: Jeez, what is this, commander hangout day? Ah, guess it's just me and you.
MARINER: Urgh. I'm with the captain today.
BOIMLER: What do you mean?
MARINER: Oh, she's been bugging me to do some mother/daughter stuff, and I've been putting it off forever, and now with this long haul, she knows I've got no excuse.
BOIMLER: All you guys are spending warp with a bridge buddy?
MARINER: It's not a big deal.
BOIMLER: Er, yes, it is. Socialising with a commander can be a huge factor in getting a promotion.
TENDI: Well, you've got 12 hours. Why don't you rub some elbows and make a new friend?
BOIMLER: I wish I served on a ship that had built-in social structures, like with Binars or Klingons.
MARINER: Um, have you ever been on a Klingon ship? I don't think you'd like it.
BOIMLER: They've been warping around the quadrant for centuries. I bet their Lower Decks are a lot nicer than you'd think.

[Klingon Bird of Prey Che'Ta - Lower Decks]

(Hammocks, not bunks.)
G'RECK: Come, Ma'ah. Let us eat before the squirmiest gagh is devoured.
KEY'LOR: Do not speak of gagh. Today I am tasked with scraping out the worm barrels and replenishing their blood supply.
KLINGON 2: That is the worst. I have combat training all day. Save me a seat at lunch, unless I die an honourable death, then someone else can have it.
MA'AH: Today will be a day of great honour for me. I am filling in at the helm.
G'RECK: Yes, the honour is palpable.
MA'AH: Have you not noticed that Commander Togg has been undermining the captain?
G'RECK: If so, then he should be killed.
MA'AH: Exactly, and stationed at the captain's side, I will be the logical choice to be the new first officer.
(laughter)
KEY'LOR: Logical? Are you a Vulcan now? Maybe you should trim your bangs and join a science vessel.
G'RECK: Logical.
KLINGON 2: Could you imagine serving with those biHnuchs? Avoid death, and cower.

[Vulcan Cruiser Sh'Vhal - Lower Decks]

SHARA: Would anyone care for a game of chess when we are finished with our second duty shift?
T'GAI: No. I will be composing an arrangement for the lute, which should take several hours.
T'IM: I am available for chess.
(beeping)
T'LYN: Hmm. I have detected an anomalous surge of metreon particles in System 7743.8.
T'GAI: System 7743.8 is beyond our scanning range.
T'LYN: It would be, but I have implemented personal algorithms, which increase our long range sensors.
T'Im: T'Lyn. Your assignment was to monitor tertiary impulse systems.
T'LYN: That is a redundant system. I wanted to... It is logical to improve our scanning capabilities instead of observing non-essential systems.
T'GAI: These readings are within acceptable parameters.
T'LYN: Correct. However, this region has never produced this type of anomalous energy. Does that not seem... strange?
T'GAI: Anomalies, by definition, are strange.
T'LYN: Something about this feels off.
SHARA: Feels off? You have been spoken to about this before, T'Lyn.
T'LYN: It is illogical to ignore something of statistical significance. I must inform the captain.
T'Im: She has lost all control.

[Klingon bridge]

MA'AH: Today is a good day to be a...
(Dagger sticks in lift door next to his head. Two officers are fighting.)
TOGG: It is you who is dishonourable.
DORG: You dare spit lies on my ship?
TOGG: Coward. You hide behind the name of...
DORG: I hide behind nothing.
(And stabs his challenger.)
DORG: Togg forgot what it means to be Klingon. I need a loyal first officer, a soldier of the Empire who does not spit in the face of duty. The job will go to whoever impresses me most today. Remove this. I don't want that stench on my bridge.
MA'AH: I will take care of it, Captain.

[Lounge]

BOIMLER: Okay, let's snag a bridge buddy. (offers a drink) Kimarnt, her head cloudy?
KAYSHON: Ah, thank you, Ensign...
BOIMLER: Boimler. I took a little Tamarian at the Academy.
KAYSHON: Oh, Unzak and Vhila as children?
BOIMLER: Oh, er, right, er... Karno, in the forest with... Mira.
KAYSON: It is hard to lose weight when you can replicate any food you want.
(Storms off, offended.)
BOIMLER: No, no, no, that's not what I meant. Dang it. Grr.

[Pottery]

RUTHERFORD: Ah hey, Boimler. I didn't know you had a passion for pottery.
BOIMLER: Kayshon and I didn't really mesh. Since you have two bridge buddies, I thought we could share?
RUTHERFORD: Okie dokie.
SHAXS: Take your never-ending bonfire of rage and bury it in the clay.
RUTHERFORD: Get out of here, rage.
BOIMLER: That's a neat pot, Lieutenant Shaxs... did you learn how to do that back on Bajor?
SHAXS: What did you just say?
BOIMLER: I just asked if you learned how to throw pots on Bajor.
RUTHERFORD: No, no, no, no, no.
BOIMLER: Oh, do we not talk about Bajor?
SHAXS: You think I had time for anything other than resisting? Fighting fascism is a full-time job.
RUTHERFORD: Run! He's not kidding.
(Boimler runs out, screaming)
RUTHERFORD: Put it in the clay, Papa Bear. Put it in the clay.
SHAXS: I'm going to fight. I'm going to get revenge. I'm... going to a make a cute little ashtray for my incense. It's going to look like a puppy.
RUTHERFORD: Ooo, a puppy.

[Klingon Mess hall]

(A targ is savaging a toy.)
DORG: Yes. Good boy. That is what we will do to enemy petaQs.
KLINGON: Drink to honour.
MA'AH: Captain, your targ is most impressive. Like Kor's hound at the Battle of Klach D'kel Brakt.
DORG: Oh, I'm surprised someone your age knows of that glorious day.
MA'AH: Oh, it is one of my favourite slaughters. We could sing a song about it, if...
(Gets head-butted by...)
OFFICER: The blood wine barrel runs low. Fetch us more.
MA'AH: Yes, sir.

[Vulcan Ready Room]

SOKEL: Why would you modify already adequate long-range sensors, when that is outside of your duties?
T'LYN: I had a gut feeling that increasing our sensor range may prove illuminating.
SOKEL: And now you want to adjust our current heading by 1.7 degrees, because of this... instinct.
T'LYN: The energy originated in a region which has never experienced a comparable phenomenon. To ignore it would be illogical.
SOKEL: Helm, adjust course to 577 mark 6. Do not take my action as an endorsement of your behaviour. You will spend the next two days in meditation.
T'LYN: No, I do not have time for that. I have another project, which is nearing culmination.
SOKEL: T'Lyn, get ahold of yourself. These outbursts will not be tolerated. Two days. Work on your self-control. Through silent meditation.
T'LYN: Captain, I believe that I could modify the...
SOKEL: Beliefs, feelings, instincts. You are behaving like a child.

[Holodeck]

(Boimler flying through the air in a jumper that says Go Climb A Rock. Two figures are on a sheer cliff face. Shades of The Final Frontier...)
TENDI: You were right, Doctor T. This is amazing.
T'ANA: Ah, nothing like clawing your way up the side of a giant, hard piece of earth to feel alive.
TENDI: Boimler. What are you doing up here?
BOIMLER: Just wanted to catch up in the old hover boots and see if you guys needed a climbing partner. Hi, Doctor T'Ana.
T'ANA: You didn't bring any gear?
BOIMLER: Well, er, I... I... I have the shirt and, er, you know, the boots.
(The boots stop hovering, Boimler plummets.)
TENDI: Good thing safety protocols are on. They... they are on, right?
T'ANA: I don't know. Sure.
(Boimler lands on a branch in a giant tree.)
BOIMLER: Ow, ow, ow.

[Corridor]

(Boimler sees a display by a door. Target Training. Active session. Freeman.)
BOIMLER: Hmm.

[Phaser Range]

(See TNG - A Matter of Honour. As soon as he enters, Boimler is pressing the door control to get out again.)
MARINER: Why would you tell an entire shift I get bad cramps?
FREEMAN: You were on duty. Your commanding officers have to know any medical issues that could impact the mission.
MARINER: Billups doesn't need to know. He's not good with that stuff. It freaked him out.
FREEMAN: If I had to dance around everything that freaks out Billups, we wouldn't get anything done.
MARINER: Cool. Then maybe I'll tell him to boost the environmental controls to help with your hot flashes.
(Boimler finally gets out.)

[Corridor]

(Turbolift door opens.)
BENZITE: Oh, nothing like that Hawaiian surf.
RANSOM: Crisp air, tasty waves. This is gonna be great.

[Turbolift]

BOIMLER: Sir.
RANSOM: Ensign. Oh, you remember those luaus, on the beach?
BENZITE: Ah, so good.
HAWAIIANER: Yeah, friggin' pigs, dude.
BOIMLER: Nothing like the feel of Hawaiian sand after riding those tropical waves.
RANSOM: Mister Boimler, are you also from Hawaii?
BOIMLER: From... from Hawaii? Oh, er...
BENZITE: He has to be. Only people who grew up on the islands like us could describe it like that.
BOIMLER: You're all from Hawaii?
BENZITE: Um, aloha. Yep, small galaxy, huh?
RANSOM: I can't believe there's another Hawaiian onboard. We're hitting the beach this afternoon. Holodeck Three. You should join us.
BOIMLER: To clean up or...
RANSOM: (laughs) No, to hang out. Unless you don't miss the islands?
BOIMLER: No, I mean, yeah, I mean, I am homesick for Hawaii. I grew up in Hawaii and, man, do I miss Hawaii.
BENZITE: Wait, didn't you say you're from a vineyard?
BOIMLER: Er...
BENZITE: Pineapple or coffee?
BOIMLER: Both?
RANSOM: Whoa. Now that's tropical.

[Klingon Mess Hall]

(An older Klingon officer belches. Ma'ah enters pulling a barrel...)
MA'AH: Next time, fetch your own wine.
(..and knocks him over, getting trapped underneath his snoring body.)
MA'AH: I demand assistance. Could someone just...? Captain, ah, yes, I thank you. I cannot move this overweight...
DORG: When you're done fooling around, walk my targ. He ate that traitor's leg, and will need to be shuffled around until it passes, or he will have gas.
MA'AH: Yes, sir.
(The targ licks his face.)

[Vulcan meditation room]

(T'Lyn's tricorder beeps.)
SHARA: You are working instead of meditating.
T'LYN: I am nearly finished. I will meditate as soon as the project is complete.
SHARA: You know your rebellions will only lead to punitive spiritualism.
T'LYN: I am not rebellious. I simply am enjoying the project and hoped to finish it today so I can continue with other work. Perhaps if you did not spend all of your time following rules, you too would appreciate that there is more for us to learn and achieve.
SHARA: Are you attempting to insult me?
T'LYN: I merely wish for you to join me in broadening your definition of how to synthesize data.
SHARA: That sounds like an insult to me.
T'LYN: Perhaps you could look to me as your confidant. In Klingon culture, they designate those who stand with one another as cha'Dich.
SHARA: We are not Klingon.
T'LYN: Nor are we Borg drones. We do not have to blindly follow orders. Logic is the beginning of wisdom, not the end.
SHARA: The High Command would be most interested to learn of your relaxed attitude.
T'LYN: How would they find out? Would you report me?
SHARA: If it is for your own good. You are clearly unstable.
T'IM: You are not yourself, T'Lyn. Everyone has noticed.
T'LYN: Then I hope they notice how unconcerned I am about their assessment.

[Crew bunks]

RUTHERFORD: Why didn't you just tell them you're not from Hawaii?
BOIMLER: I tried, sort of. It all just happened fast. Suddenly I was just part of the ohana.
TENDI: Isn't that what you wanted?
BOIMLER: Yeah, but what if Ransom finds out I lied? He could demote me to work at a penal colony where I'd have to mate with the enemy to form a new civilisation...
FREEMAN [OC]: Ensign Mariner, report to my quarters for hanging out.
MARINER: Urgh. This is the longest warp of my life.
TENDI: I don't know, Boimler. I think you should just come clean.
(He has a yellow floral shirt in his locker.)
RUTHERFORD: Yeah, I mean what's really more important, having a commander friend or being true to yourself?
BOIMLER: Yeah, yeah. You're right.

[Holodeck]

BOIMLER: Aloha.
RANSOM: Hey, hey. Aloha.

[Dorg's quarters]

MA'AH: Captain, the leg has been passed. It was an honourable movement.
DORG: The Empire used to choke the quadrant with fear, power, but now? We've lost our way.
MA'AH: The Empire still strikes terror. Klingon blood runs as reddish-pink as ever.
DORG: Klingons joining Starfleet, studying at Bajoran academies. No hunger for victory. No respect for tradition.
MA'AH: It is troubling to see a proud caste of warriors lose their lurDech.
DORG: Well put. You are a true Klingon. You may be smaller and weaker and slower and smaller than my other officers, but you have a warrior's spirit. One day, you could be captain of your own ship.
MA'AH: That would be my greatest honour, sir. Besides dying in battle. That would be my greatest, greatest honour.
KLINGON [OC]: Captain, we're being hailed.
DORG: Put it in my quarters. Private channel. Pakled.
REBNER [on screen]: Oh, hi. Are you ready to give us presents?
DORG: We will discuss our transaction in person. I'm beaming over with my new second-in-command.
MA'AH: Thank you, Captain.

[Klingon corridor]

DORG: Pah, Pakleds have no honour.
MA'AH: Are we commandeering their ship?
DORG: Ha, ha, even cowards and fools have their uses.
MA'AH: I do not understand.
DORG: Pakleds have an insatiable hunger for power. I can use that. With the weapons and information I've armed them with, they've thrown the entire quadrant into discord.
MA'AH: You are helping them?
DORG: With the Federation destabilised, the Empire can claim the region as our own. Our greatest day is yet to come.

[Klingon transporter room]

MA'AH: Klingons do not allow someone else to fight our battles.
DORG: Which is exactly why the Federation has no idea who is manipulating them. Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war.

[Freeman's quarters]

(Playing Clue - or properly, Cluedo. - er, you need at least 3 players.)
MARINER: I think it was the chef, in the bio lab, with a sniper rifle that can shoot through walls.
FREEMAN: You always pick the chef.
MARINER: Yeah, 'cause we have replicators. Why is there a chef? That's just shady.
OFFICER [OC]: Captain, we've picked up an anomalous energy reading nearby. Shall we drop out of warp and investigate?
MARINER: Yes.
FREEMAN: Yes, please.
MARINER: All right, let's get back to work. Ooo, I cannot believe I'm saying that.
FREEMAN: Mariner.
MARINER: What? I know. I don't care who the fake killer was.
FREEMAN: I had a good time today.
MARINER: I know. I did, too.

[Pakled bridge]

REBNER: Welcome to the Pakled spaceship, Pakled. I am Rebner.
DORG: Urgh. Yes, Rebner, we've met several times.
REBNER: We need another boomer.
DORG: What? No. One Varuvian bomb is enough.
REBNER: We already used it.
DORG: You used it? On what? Why?
REBNER: We wanted to test it on a big asteroid, but then it stopped working.
DORG: It was a bomb! You can only use it once. (comms) This is Dorg. Transport another explosive onto the Pakled vessel.
KLINGON [OC]: Yes, Captain.
MA'AH: Captain, a Varuvian explosion would emit metreon particles. Other ships may come to investigate.
COMPUTER: Red alarm. Red alarm.
(The Cerritos drops out of warp nearby.)
DORG: Damn it. Block their communications. We have to take out that ship.

[Bridge]

FREEMAN: What the...? The Pakleds again? And now they're threatening Klingons? Hail the Bird of Prey.
OFFICER: No response, Captain.
FREEMAN: Klingon ship, this is the Federation Starship Cerritos. We've dealt with Pakleds before. Are you in need of aid?
OFFICER: Captain, both vessels are powering weapons.
FREEMAN: What? Shields up. Red alert.

[Holodeck]

(The weapon impacts are felt.)
BENZITE: Dude, my Mai Tai.
RANSOM: Hawaiianers, we're under attack.

[Bridge]

FREEMAN: Target their weapons.
SHAXS: Shields holding at 80%.
FREEMAN: Return fire. Full spread.
BARNES: Deck Six is taking heavy damage. Sealing the area.

[Corridor]

(Blocked by a fallen girder.)
RANSOM: Damn it. We have to get to the bridge.
BOIMLER: I don't wanna die in a Hawaiian shirt. I'm not from Hawaii. And if I don't make it through this, I don't want to die a liar. Sir, I'm from Modesto, California. I just wanted to find a bridge buddy. I'm sorry.
BENZITE: I'm not from Hawaii, either. I never felt like I belonged, until I met the rest of you.
HAWAIIANER: Neither am I. None of us are. We just wanted to be friends with you, sir.
RANSOM: Wait, you guys didn't have to pretend to be something you aren't. I like you for you.
BOIMLER: Really? Thanks, Commander.
RANSOM: Also, I'm not from Hawaii.
BOIMLER: Wait, what now?
RANSOM: I made it up when I was an ensign and my commanding officer was from Honolulu. I'm actually from the Moon.
HAWAIIANER: Wait, bro, Earth's moon? That's where I'm from. Luna Bay.
RANSOM: Tyco City.
HAWAIIANER: My sister went to Tyco City Prep.
BENZITE: I'm from the Third Moon of Benzar.
RANSOM: B93? That's a great moon. My cousin lives there.
BENZITE: We're all moon buddies?
BOIMLER: You know, some people say Modesto is like the moon of, er, San Francisco, so I guess I'm from a moon, too.
RANSOM: Modesto is not a moon.
BENZITE: If you were from a moon, you'd know how deeply insulting that is.
BOIMLER: What? You guys pretended to be from Hawaii. That's like the most culturally insensitive...

[Klingon bridge]

DORG: Let the Pakleds take the final shot. They're about to start a war.
MA'AH: This feels wrong. There is no honour in letting others fight our battles.
DORG: (punches Ma'ah) Do not talk to me of honour. I have been crushing baktags beneath my boot since before you were born.
MA'AH: Other Klingons have tried to sabotage peace before. They failed.
DORG: I will not. They will write songs of me this day.

[Pakled Clumpship Pakled - Lower Decks]

(Sitting on the floor.)
COMPUTER: Red alarm. Red alarm. Red alarm.
PAKLED 1: I am hungry.
PAKLED 2: You should eat.
PAKLED 1: You are smart.
COMPUTER: Red alarm.

[Bridge]

FREEMAN: Evasive maneouvres.
SHAXS: Shields at 17%. Captain, we can't last much longer.
(The Vulcans arrive.)

[Vulcan bridge]

VULCAN: Captain, we are being fired upon by Klingons and Pakleds.
SOKEL: Curious. Shields to maximum power.
VULCAN: The Pakleds appear to have Klingon weaponry. Primary shields are failing.
T'LYN: Captain, the project I have been working on is a regenerative shield amplifier. I believe it may help.
SOKEL: This has not been tested. If it damages the coupling, we would be left unprotected.
T'LYN: It is logical to use it now, considering there are no alternatives. My instinct tells me it will work.
SOKEL: Implement the programme.

[Klingon bridge]

DORG: Yes, yes. The destruction of two enemy ships will bring me much glory.
MA'AH: These are not our enemies. Does the High Council know of your actions?
DORG: The High Council lacks foresight. They will change their minds when the battle begins.

[Vulcan bridge]

SHARA: The shields are... increasing. This is highly improbable, Captain. They are now at 120%.
SOKEL: Disable the Pakled ship.

[Klingon bridge]

DORG: Target the Federation ship.
MA'AH: Belay that order.
DORG: What?
MA'AH: This is not our fight. This lunacy must end.
DORG: Ha. You dare challenge me?
MA'AH: Stop the attack.
DORG: Finish them.
MA'AH: No.
(Fight. The targ stops its master killing Ma'ah.)
DORG: Stupid targ.
(Ma'ah gets hold of Dorg's dropped dagger and kills him.)
DORG: Ah.
KLINGON: What are your orders, Captain?
MA'AH: Set a course for the homeworld. The Council can decide what to do with this biHnuch.

[Bridge]

BARNES: Captain, the Klingon ship is retreating.
FREEMAN: Well then, let's give the Pakleds a taste of their own mushfroot.
SHAXS: Yes, sir.
(The Pakled ship goes to warp. Shaxs rejoices in Bajoran.)
FREEMAN: Hail the Vulcans. Thanks for the hand, Captain. For a minute there, we were in a little over our...
CAPTAIN [on viewscreen]: Do you require assistance?
FREEMAN: I think we're okay over here. We were just...
CAPTAIN [on viewscreen]: Excellent. Then with the threat neutralised, no further communication is necessary.
FREEMAN: Well, isn't he a ton of fun? Assess the damage. Let's begin repairs. Klingons helping Pakleds? Well, I guess now we know how they got all those weapons.
SHAXS: Strange how they broke off and retreated, though. Klingons typically want to die in battle. Honestly, I get it.
FREEMAN: It's almost like they decided it wasn't their fight.
SHAXS: Captain?
FREEMAN: We need to brief Starfleet Command. They're gonna have a lot to discuss with the Klingon High Council.

[Vulcan Ready Room]

SOKEL: We are fortunate that your shield programme worked. If you had not been following your instinct, it is unlikely we would have survived that encounter.
T'LYN: I concur.
SOKEL: However, your inability to control your emotions is a liability. I am removing you from duty.
T'LYN: Captain, I believe you are making an error.
SOKEL: Your perceived victory today will only serve as fuel for further impulsivity. There is no place for that on this starship.
T'LYN: I will gather my personal items and prepare to return to Vulcan.
SOKEL: You will not be returning to Vulcan.
T'LYN: Curious.
SOKEL: I am recommending you for reassignment... to a Starfleet vessel. Your hotheaded ways may make you better suited to serve with humans.
T'LYN: Captain, I ask that you reconsider. I do not believe this punishment is warranted.
SOKEL: And that is exactly the type of outburst which led to my decision. It is final.
T'LYN: Live long and prosper. Sir.

[Lounge]

BOIMLER: They're all from moons. Look at them, probably talking about tides and werewolves. I was so close. Argh.
MARINER: I know you really wanted to have a bridge buddy, but guess what? You don't need them... you've got us. Next time we have a long-haul warp, I vote we all do something together, cool?
TENDI: You know it.
RUTHERFORD: Cool.
BOIMLER: You're right. Thanks, guys. I appreciate it.
(Goes to the bar.)
CADET: Excuse me? Ensign Boimler, sir?
BOIMLER: Huh? Yeah, er, yeah, that's me.
CADET: Well, I've been having trouble keeping up with my duty schedule. Commander Ransom said that you're the most organised person on the ship.
BOIMLER: He did?
CADET: Yeah, he says you're great, and I should pick your brain, if that's okay.
BOIMLER: I mean, yes. Of course. Yeah, glad to help. Sure.
CADET: Oh, thank you, sir. I really admire your work.
BOIMLER: Let's talk duties. Every ship in the fleet depends on officers like us to keep them running. The bridge crew is maybe the ones you hear about, but trust me, the real action begins on the lower decks.

[Borg Cube 90182 - Lower Decks]

(Four drones are recharging in their alcoves.)