[Crew bunks]

(Rutherford is dreaming.)
RUTHERFORD: No, no. No, no, it's overheating. Come on. Come on. Keep it together! (wakes) Ah! Sorry.

FREEMAN [OC]: Captain's log, stardate 58354.2. The Cerritos is back at Tulgana IV, where we'll be updating the Federation consulate's power systems, a straightforward job which gives us extra time to fill some of our Starfleet quotas.

[Repair shop]

MARINER: Argh, the recruitment booth, no!
BOIMLER: Well, someone's got to do it.
MARINER: Er, do they? 'Cause last time I checked, nobody's ever signed up for Starfleet at the recruitment booth.
TENDI: I did.
MARINER: Shh, shh, you're not helping.
TENDI: Sorry.
BOIMLER: I know it's not super exciting, but it's our assignment. What are you gonna do?
MARINER: Hmm, complain the whole time and make it twice as miserable.
BOIMLER: That is your specialty.
(They leave. Rutherford yawns and something falls on him.)
RUTHERFORD: Ow.
TENDI: You okay, Rutherford? Man, you look wiped.
RUTHERFORD: I haven't slept in a week. I keep having the same crazy nightmare.
TENDI: Ooo, the one where you're in a new timeline with Kirk and Spock, where they have cinematic chemistry?
RUTHERFORD: Huh, I wish.
TENDI: Looks like you've got some long-term memories stuck in the buffer. Probably useless stuff like when you called the captain Mom. Want me to purge the cache?
RUTHERFORD: Yes. Anything to help me sleep.
TENDI: And done. Why don't you go take a nap? You'll wake up feeling like a new man.
RUTHERFORD: Thanks, Tendi. Hope you're right.

[Shuttlecraft]

BOIMLER: There's a spot where we can set up in the commuter's market.
MARINER: I have a degree in xenohistory, but sure, put me on folding-table duty. That's great.
RANSOM: Oh, I'm sorry. Is the booth not exciting enough for you?
MARINER: Yeah, actually, it's the worst and I'm really glad you said something. Can we get a different assignment, please?
RANSOM: I don't care if you like it, that's not the point.
MARINER: No. The point is to give us work nobody cares about so the captain can tick off a meaningless box.
RANSOM: I care, and I'm gonna be checking in today. If you so much as step one foot out of that booth, I will transfer you to Starbase 80.
BOIMLER: Starbase 80?
MARINER: Don't joke about that. Starbase 80 is the worst.
RANSOM: When I get down there, you better be in the booth with a PADD full of contact info, or you'll be at SB80 faster than you can possibly imagine.
MARINER: Okay, okay, I get it.
(Shuttle launches.)

[Crew bunks]

RUTHERFORD: Okey dokey, time for some shut-eye. Hmm.
(Zap, implant turns red.)
RUTHERFORD 2: Huh? Ow, my fucking head. Did I even go out last night? Wait, what's going on here? Urgh, those are the ugliest nacelles I've ever seen. And who put Engineering down there? That's stupid. Wait a minute, California-class? How did I get here?
COMPUTER: Ensign Samanthan Rutherford. Transferred from Douglas Station on stardate 56329.4.
RUTHERFORD 2: Okay, shut up, shut up. What the hell is this? Holy moly. What the heck is happening here?
RUTHERFORD: Hey, hey! Let me out of here. Hey, you. Give me back control of my body.
RUTHERFORD 2: Nah, dude, this is my body. You already effed it up.
RUTHERFORD: No, it's not.
RUTHERFORD 2: Whatever, man. I don't take orders from a reflection.
RUTHERFORD: I'm not a reflection. Help! I think an anaphasic alien took over my body.
RUTHERFORD 2: You're an anaphasic alien.
RUTHERFORD: Nuh-uh, you are.
RUTHERFORD 2: Hey, what is this thing on my face?
RUTHERFORD: It's my face.
RUTHERFORD 2: Fine, fine, fine, don't answer it. I don't need you.
RUTHERFORD: Hey, hey! Get back here! Aw, man.

[Fair]

MARINER: Starfleet, get your Starfleet. We got new worlds, they're strange, and they need seeking out.
BOIMLER: Wow, it's crazy to hear you, like, actually trying.
MARINER: Yeah, I have to. Ransom's got it out for me. I'm not taking any chances with creepy-ass Starbase 80.
TELLARITE: Do you have to go to Starfleet Academy to work on a ship?
MARINER: Ah, thank you for asking. No, not at all. You can enlist as an NCO and then go to the Tech Services Academy on Mars. You could work in a transporter bay. How about that?
TELLARITE: Really? Do the transporter guys ever get to sit on the bridge?
MARINER: Er, I mean, yeah, I guess, it could... it could happen.
PETRA: Hey, pal, you're signing up for seven years in a windowless room.
TELLARITE: Wait, really?
MARINER: Don't listen to her. The ships have, like, tons of windows. It's, like, practically a greenhouse, right? Just not, like, every single room.
TELLARITE: Meh.
MARINER: Ugh. What the hell, lady? I was about to close.
PETRA: Aw, did I step on your little sales pitch?
MARINER: What are you even, some kind of space archaeologist?
PETRA: Independent space archaeologist. That first part's important, since you know, I'm free to do whatever I want, unlike some ensigns around here.
MARINER: All right, fine. Whatever. Er, Starfleet. Get your Starfleet. Prepare yourself for Warp 10 excitement. Discover the undiscovered country.
GELRAKIAN: How often do you get to collect dilithium?
MARINER: Oh, all the time, tons of crystals.
PETRA: Hey, buddy. You want to be a Borg?
GELRAKIAN: What? No.
PETRA: Starfleet crews get assimilated all the time. Hope you like being covered in black rubber tubing.
GELRAKIAN: Gah!
MARINER: We do not!
PETRA: Borg drone, Starfleet drone, what's the diff?
MARINER: The diff is I'm about to shove one of those artifacts up your ass.
BOIMLER: Mariner, don't. Just stay focused.

[Corridor]

RUTHERFORD 2: Graphenated corridor joists? These Cali-class junkers are such fire traps.
RUTHERFORD: The Cerritos is a great ship. Give me back my body.
RUTHERFORD 2: Hey, there, pretty lady.
BARNES: Hey, Rutherford. What's up?
RUTHERFORD: No, no. Don't talk to her.
RUTHERFORD 2: I mean, everything, now that I ran into you. Trill, huh? Those spots go all the way down?
BARNES: Excuse me?
RUTHERFORD: Barnes, call the captain. He's an alien or something.
RUTHERFORD 2: Hey, Trill, uh, when is the security shift change?
BARNES: Why would I know?
RUTHERFORD 2: Because you're in security?
BARNES: We've been on four dates and you don't even know what division I'm in?
RUTHERFORD 2: Well, damn. Maybe if you weren't so boring, I'd remember some of this stuff.
BARNES: Uh!
RUTHERFORD 2: Oh, okay. Walk away.
RUTHERFORD: I got to figure out a way to contact Tendi. She'll know how to get rid of you.
RUTHERFORD 2: Wait, who's Tendi?
RUTHERFORD: Er, nobody. Never mind.
RUTHERFORD 2: Computer, locate Tendi.
RUTHERFORD: Computer, no!
COMPUTER: Ensign Tendi is currently located in Repair Bay Five.
RUTHERFORD: No, no, no, no. I-I don't know what you're thinking, but you stay away from her.

[Repair bay]

TENDI: Hey, check out this pod plant from Omicron Ceti III. It blasts out mind-control pollen.
RUTHERFORD 2: Jeepers creepers. That's swell.
RUTHERFORD: I don't even talk like that. She's gonna see right through you, you goofy goof.
RUTHERFORD 2: Oopsie doodle. I can't remember when the security shift change is.
TENDI: It's at 0900, silly.
RUTHERFORD 2: Of course.
RUTHERFORD: Tendi, come on. That's not me.
(Reflection Rutherford punches his eye piece.)
RUTHERFORD 2: Ah! Damn.
RUTHERFORD: It worked.
RUTHERFORD 2: Dude, don't do that. This is my body.
TENDI: Who are you talking to?
RUTHERFORD: Don't do this?
RUTHERFORD 2: Ah! I'll kill you.
TENDI: Rutherford, are you okay? Let me take a look at your implant.
RUTHERFORD 2: Get away from me, I'm fine!
TENDI: Aah!
(Rutherford 2 runs out.)
TENDI: Ensign Tendi to sickbay. I need an emergency medical team on Deck 11.

[Fair]

ANDORIAN: Huh.
PETRA: See more where that came from, kid. Just join the Indie Archaeologists' Guild.
MARINER: More like space thieves. Hey, why don't you go in that museum and steal some artefacts? I know you want to.
PETRA: Oh, right. Because everyone who doesn't salute their boss is a criminal?
MARINER: You know, lady, if you are really dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge, then you're kind of limiting yourself by not being in Starfleet, actually.
PETRA: Ooh, actually, I was in Starfleet. Petra Aberdeen... Graduated Academy, did a tour in the fleet before wising up, and getting out.
MARINER: Whoa. You served on the Victory? Well, you must have screwed up pretty bad to end up here.
PETRA: Sure, why leave the big fancy ships just for a life of freedom and nonviolence?
MARINER: Starfleet isn't violent.
PETRA: Well, tell that to the Romulans, the Klingons, the Cardassians...
MARINER: What? They attack us. It's self-defenc e. Oh, right, you guys totally aren't a pseudo navy at all.

[Transporter room]

(Rutherford 2 arrives via Jefferies tube and knocks out the Chief.)
RUTHERFORD 2: Oh, come on, come on, come on!
SHAXS: Tulgana IV has an ion field. Transporter won't get a solid lock. You know that, baby bear. Unless you aren't you.
RUTHERFORD 2: My nickname's baby bear? That's stupid.
(Strax makes a grab for him, but he dodges and transports away.)

[Captain's yacht]

RUTHERFORD 2: Oh, here we are. Captain's yacht. Now we're talking.
RUTHERFORD: You messed with the wrong crew, buddy.
RUTHERFORD 2: Oh, yeah? Then why am I about to take off with my own warp-capable starship? They'll never find me.
RUTHERFORD: Unless someone buys them some time.
RUTHERFORD 2: Man, I'll kill you. Don't touch that.
RUTHERFORD: Fine, I don't need to anyway.
RUTHERFORD 2: Wait. Really?
SHAXS: Sorry, baby bear.
(Shaxs phasers both Rutherfords.)
SHAXS: Doctor T'Ana, I need a medical team to the captain's yacht now!

[Sickbay]

T'ANA: Huh. According to my scans, there's no anaphasic presence. Ensign Rutherford is still himself, but his memory and personality are from a decade ago. It's almost like a backup overwrote his brain.
TENDI: I... I cleared the cache on his implant. Did I erase my best friend?
T'ANA: Oh, cerebral activity's high. Something's going on in there. We'll just have to wait and see which Rutherford wakes up.

[Rutherford's brain]

RUTHERFORD 2: Wha...? Oh, come on, man.
RUTHERFORD: Yep, now we're both stuck in a blank white void.
RUTHERFORD 2: Just shut up, old man. This is all your fault.
RUTHERFORD: Wait. You're a younger version of me.
RUTHERFORD 2: No, you're the older, cornier version of me. And now we're both stuck in the stupid mindscape.
RUTHERFORD: Mind what?
RUTHERFORD 2: It's a manifestation of our brain. Look. See? Try it out.
RUTHERFORD: Whoa. Damn, you're right. This says we're in my subconscious.
RUTHERFORD 2: Yeah, dummy. The brain can't handle having two full copies of a person in here.
RUTHERFORD: So it partitioned us?
RUTHERFORD 2: Until one emerges as the dominant personality, yeah.
RUTHERFORD: Well, that's me. You're an imposter.
RUTHERFORD 2: Oh really? Then why can I do this?
(Creates surroundings.)
RUTHERFORD: Wait. I've been here before. Oh. What's this?
RUTHERFORD 2: The Sampaguita. Fastest racer in the quadrant, designed by yours truly.
RUTHERFORD: This isn't a ship, this is a seat strapped to an impulse engine.
RUTHERFORD 2: Yeah, baby. Pretty cool, right?
RUTHERFORD: Hang on. If you're young me, why don't I remember building this?
RUTHERFORD 2: Because you erased your own memories, man. And you did it to me with this.
RUTHERFORD: My implant? No way. It was just to help me with engineering.
RUTHERFORD 2: You sure about that?
OFFICER: What if someone asks why he has it?
SURGEON: We programmed that in. He'll think it was elective.
RUTHERFORD 2: You tried to erase all the memories that made us cool, but it didn't work. The brain is more complicated than that, and it kept my cool ass stored away. So, blao, here I am, baby.
RUTHERFORD: If that's true, then how come you never tried to take over before?
RUTHERFORD 2: I did, dude. Haven't you noticed this thing is always bugging out? Your programmes turning against you? Behavioural shifts?
RUTHERFORD: I did like pears for a minute.
RUTHERFORD 2: I love pears. That was me trying to get my body back.
RUTHERFORD: Fine, so we're both us... I mean me. But if you take over, won't I get erased?
RUTHERFORD 2: Yeah. Only one of us can walk out of here. We have to choose. And I choose me. Later, loser.
(Fight.)
RUTHERFORD 2: Come on. Get off me, man.
RUTHERFORD: You're not going anywhere until we figure this out. What is this place anyway?
RUTHERFORD 2: This is our garage, man. We used to sneak off from the Academy to build our sick racing ships here.
RUTHERFORD: That's cool, but why the sneaking?
RUTHERFORD 2: Because of stupid Starfleet. They never let us test our own engines. They wanted to make us wait until we graduated before we're even near a warp core. So dumb.
RUTHERFORD: Makes sense. We could have gotten hurt messing around with this stuff.
RUTHERFORD 2: Oh, but we did more than mess around. We funded all this by winning Devron races, baby.
RUTHERFORD: Those go through the neutral zone. They're illegal.
RUTHERFORD 2: Yeah, duh. Man, you really bought into that whole okey dokey bull-shit, didn't you?
RUTHERFORD: Yes.
RUTHERFORD 2: We can't stay in here forever. Shouldn't the best engineer get to take control?
RUTHERFORD: Yes. Great idea. Let's take an engineering test.
RUTHERFORD 2: No, man. Tests are dumb. How about something a little more interesting? A race. Both of us build our own ships. Winner takes the brain.
RUTHERFORD: And the loser?
RUTHERFORD 2: Gets erased. Dude, come on. Keep up. Ah! I don't know how much longer our body can stay in this coma, so one of us has to take over.
RUTHERFORD: Okay, I'm in.

[Fair]

TELLARITE: Do you ever get to touch mummies?
PETRA: Constantly. And you never have to go back in time to save Earth.
MARINER: That only happened, like, four times. Five, tops.
BOIMLER: Oh, great. The Collector's Guild.
COLLECTOR: Well, look at this. Word's getting around you little ensigns can't leave the booth.
COLLECTOR 2: The only thing you two collect is dust.
COLLECTOR: Oh, now, that was collectible.
MARINER: Yeah? Well, that was dumb and you should hate yourself. So there.
BOIMLER: Okay, let's just calm down, don't listen to them. And... Oh no, here come the conspiracy truthers.
TRUTHER: Hey, Starfleet, when are we gonna hear the truth about what happened to Sisko?
MARINER: What? No, he's working hard in a celestial temple.
ARCTURIAN: Yeah, right.
TRUTHER: How about when parasites crawled into Starfleet admirals' butts and took over their brains? Want to come clean about that?
BOIMLER: It's just a stupid conspiracy. It never happened.
MARINER: Actually, I think it did.
BOIMLER: Really?
ARCTURIAN: How do we know you two don't got butt bugs?
MARINER: Well, if we did, we'd have to kill you for figuring it out.
TRUTHER: Sure, if you could leave the booth.
BOIMLER: No, no, no, no. Not the 'Gazer!

[Rutherford's brain]

(The two vessels are complete.)
RUTHERFORD 2: Oh, my God! Hang on a second, is this a Starfleet design?
RUTHERFORD: Yeah. It's the Delta Flyer. It's superfast and it's got pop-out impulse thrusters. Tom Paris designed it on Voyager.
RUTHERFORD 2: I mean, you could have built literally anything you could imagine. You know that, right?
RUTHERFORD: I've always wanted one of these. It's got some Borg tech and...
RUTHERFORD 2: Dude, it's a shuttle with a paint job. You could've made this.
RUTHERFORD: Whoa-key dokey!
RUTHERFORD 2: Vulcan inverters, quad engines, I mean, you might as well just give me the body now.
RUTHERFORD: Whatever. The Delta Flyer'sawesome. It even came with a matching outfit for me.
RUTHERFORD 2: You know, for a minute there I thought, maybe the years you had on me might even us up, but this is just sad.
RUTHERFORD: Hang on. Let me get my outfit on.

[Fair]

PETRA: Whoa, hold on, you're on the Cerritos. Your captain bombed the Pakleds, didn't she? Oh! And there were so many good artefacts in that city.
MARINER: What? Those idiots bombed themselves!
PETRA: Great diplomacy either way.
MARINER: Oh, no. No, no, no. I'm not fucking doing this. I don't want to hear it from you outpost scientists.
BAJORAN: Well, I have a question about joining Starfleet.
BOIMLER: Oh, er, really?
BAJORAN: Yeah, I love those uniforms. If I join, do I get one?
BOIMLER: Yeah. Yeah, you do. I mean, our style isn't across the whole fleet, but they're in the California-class...
BAJORAN: God, I'm so sorry, I... I can't. This guy actually thinks the uniforms are cool.
BOIMLER: They are cool.
BAJORAN 2: Er, then why are they always changing?
BOIMLER: Starfleet updates them. There's always room for improvement. Like... like we get this really cool flap.
BAJORAN: Oh, please. Why do you even need uniforms? You are not in the military.
PETRA: I'd say they are.
MARINER: Oh, shut up!
BAJORAN 2: Us outpost scientists wear whatever we want. Like this belt. Can you wear a belt?
BAJORAN: Ha, they can wear jewellery. Oops.
BOIMLER: That was my rank pip!
MARINER: Whoa, okay. Boims, calm down. We can replicate you another one. You don't have to...
BOIMLER: Argh! Without Starfleet none of you would exist! We don't want to protect you from the Klingons and the Borg. We just want to explore and study fucking quasars! But you know what? It's the right thing to do!
MARINER: Dude, get back in the booth. What if Ransom shows up?
BOIMLER: Stupid fucking Truthers! You hate the truth! You're just a bunch of pathetic gossipy weirdos! Collecting is stupid! It doesn't make you happy! Your ships smell like ass!
MARINER: Boimler, get back here.
BOIMLER: You're always getting people trapped inside of games. Stop trapping people inside of games!
ADDIX'S SPECIES: Is that guy with you?
MARINER: Yes, but er, that behaviour is not...
ADDIX'S SPECIES: If being in Starfleet gives you that kind of confidence, then I want in. He just told a Ferengi to ...
MARINER: Oh, yes. Er, hey, do you like engineering?
ADDIX'S SPECIES: Ah, love it. You guys do that kind of stuff?
MARINER: Oh, absolutely. They got a whole division for it.
BOIMLER: The Doctor didn't spend seven years in the Delta Quadrant for you fuckers to question his agency. He's got rights.

[Rutherford's brain]

(The two ships line up in space.)
RUTHERFORD 2: Man, this is gonna be too easy. I've randomised the route to give you a chance but, fair warning, if you see any Romulans, run. They don't fuck around.
RUTHERFORD: That's Neutral Zone 101.
RUTHERFORD 2: Oh, okay. Cool, cool. So you know all about the uncharted black holes, rogue planets and dangerous nebulas?
RUTHERFORD: Rogue planets?
RUTHERFORD 2: See you at the finish line, fam. Or maybe I won't.
(The drag race starts.)
RUTHERFORD 2: Oh, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go.
RUTHERFORD: Yeah!
RUTHERFORD 2: Punch it, baby, punch it. Told you that Starfleet made you soft. Oh, shit. Aah!
(Romulan Warbird decloaks and starts firing.)
BOTH: Ah!
RUTHERFORD 2: Last man standing takes all, bruh.
RUTHERFORD: Reroute power to aft shields. Let's put some space between us and that cruiser.
RUTHERFORD 2: Ha. What, are you talking to yourself?
RUTHERFORD: Nope. Talking to my crew.
TENDI: I boosted shields to 130%, Captain.
MARINER: Charting a course through that debris field. It should provide cover.
BOIMLER: We've got this.
RUTHERFORD 2: Wait, hold up. Who is that?
RUTHERFORD: We used our imagination to make anything we wanted, and I wasn't gonna race without my friends.
RUTHERFORD 2: Man, that ain't fair.
RUTHERFORD: You said anything goes.
RUTHERFORD 2: Aah!

[Fair]

RANSOM: All right, Mariner. You better be in that booth with a PADD full of names, or...
MARINER: Great. Okay. So, yeah, you filled it all out? - Fantastic.
BOIMLER: Don't doubt me! I failed the Kobayashi Maru 17 times, motherfucker!
RANSOM: Boimler? What the hell is going on?
TRUTHER: I think that guy's being controlled by butt bugs.
BOIMLER: Ah, fuck off!

[Rutherford's mind]

BOIMLER: His shields are down. He's not gonna make it.
RUTHERFORD: Tendi, now!
TENDI: I got him.
RUTHERFORD: Hey. You're okay, you're safe.
RUTHERFORD 2: What are you doing?
RUTHERFORD: Mariner, get us out of here.
MARINER: Okey dokey.
RUTHERFORD 2: You won. I guess Starfleet taught you something after all.
RUTHERFORD: Well, can't we merge and just be both of us, all our memories combined?
RUTHERFORD 2: Nah. Then we'd both be gone. Sometimes it's better to grow. Ah! I... I just remembered how we got the implant. Remember... we thought we could do anything. Damn it, no. Come on, keep it together. Aah!
OFFICER: This is going to set us back years.
SURGEON: How much do you want to erase?
OFFICER: Everything that has to do with me or the program.
SURGEON: That's a lot. He'll come out with a totally different personality.
OFFICER: I don't care. What do we do if someone asks why he has it?
SURGEON: We programmed that in. He'll think it was elective.
RUTHERFORD: My implant was a coverup?
RUTHERFORD 2: I guess someone broke even more rules than we did.
RUTHERFORD: No. Just hang on. We can transfer you into a positronic brain or...
RUTHERFORD 2: No, no. This is right. Don't lose those friends. Thanks for one last race.
(Rutherford steps into the light and floats up.)

[Sickbay]

RUTHERFORD: Huh?
T'ANA: Take it slow, Ensign. You're gonna be all right.
TENDI: Rutherford? Are... are you...
RUTHERFORD: Yeah. I'm okey dokey.

[Corridor]

RANSOM: I meant what I said, Ensign. You knowingly disobeyed a direct order.
BOIMLER: Are you gonna send me to Starbase 80? Oh, God, no. That place is a hellhole.
KAYSHAN: Coltar, when he drowned in the swamp.
RANSOM: You're just gonna spend a night in the brig.
BOIMLER: Wow. I've never been sent to the brig before. I hope you don't think less of me.
RANSOM: Honestly, hearing you stand up for Starfleet and give it to those loudmouths... I was impressed.
BOIMLER: Really?
RANSOM: Oh yeah. Let's grab a drink when you're out. I want to hear how those outpost losers cried when you kicked over their table.

[Brig]

TENDI: So there's someone out there who blew you up?
RUTHERFORD: Yeah, and whoever it was must have been a higher-up in Starfleet back when I was a first-year, but that doesn't really narrow it down. It could have been anybody.
MARINER: Dang, I'm sorry you're in the brig, Boims. But thanks for keeping me from losing my cool today.
BOIMLER: I don't know how you kept it together. That archaeologist was just so full of it.
MARINER: Well, I guess for once I have to do the mission log.
BOIMLER: Aw, lucky. That's my favorite part.
MARINER: Of course it is.

[Crew bunks]

MARINER: But with Commander Ransom there, the situation de-escalated quickly. Next time, recommend the Starfleet booth not be set up near the following organisations. The Collector's Guild...
(Incoming transmission - it's Petra.)
MARINER: Wow. No, thank you.
PETRA [on PADD]: Wait, don't hang up. You were right.
MARINER: About what?
PETRA [on PADD]: I was only being a pain in the ass because I needed a distraction, so I could emancipate this little guy from that crooked museum. Stolen from the Grand Nagus. They're offering quite the reward.
MARINER: Cool story. What do you want?
PETRA [on PADD]: I asked around about you. And I get that you love Starfleet, but you really have the potential for more. So, you know, if you ever feel like the bureaucracy is holding you back, give me a call.
MARINER: Er, yeah, right. I think I'll be fine.
PETRA [on PADD]: I know you will. Hang in there, Starfleet.
(Transmission ends. Save contact.)