[Briefing room]

BUENAMIGO [on screen]: Congratulations, Captain Freeman. There's no one better suited for Project Swing By.
FREEMAN: And there's no one better suited to assign it to me, Admiral.
BUENAMIGO [on screen]: Let's ditch the pomp and set this conversation to facts.
RANSOM: Ditch the pomp?
BUENAMIGO [on screen]: The first Project Swing By planet you'll be checking in on is Ornara.
RANSOM: Ornara. Picard made first contact there, right?
BUENAMIGO [on screen]: Yes. 17 years ago. So they're long overdue for some Starfleet attention. If this goes well, Swing By missions will be assigned across the entire California-class.
FREEMAN: Then I'll make sure it goes better than well.
BUENAMIGO [on screen]: I know you will. Which is why I have a journalist from FNN en route to the Cerritos. She'll be documenting your success as it happens. Buenamigo out.
RANSOM: Congratulations, Captain. I think I speak for all of us when I say...
FREEMAN: This is terrible!
SHAXS: But, you've been lobbying for Project Swing By for years.
FREEMAN: Not that. The reporter. The ship's a mess. We have to clean it up before she gets here.
RANSOM: (laughs) Clean it up.
SHAXS: Good one, Captain.
FREEMAN: Why are you laughing?
T'ANA: Oh shit, she's serious.
FREEMAN: Go get your departments in order now! Go!
RANSOM: Yes, Captain!

[Corridor]

(The reporter and her hovering camera have arrived by shuttlecraft.)
FREEMAN: What do we know about the Ornarans?
RANSOM: They were ravaged by a plague, the cure for which was a plant called felicium, which only grew on their sister planet, Brekka. The Brekkians exploited access to the drug and got the Ornarans hooked on it, even after the plague was cured.
FREEMAN: Huh. Some sister. What did Picard have to say about it?
RANSOM: By the time the Enterprise got there, Ornara was in shambles due to their addiction. Picard severed communication between the planets and er... well, let's see... Oh. Er, then he left.
FREEMAN: He left?
RANSOM: Yeah, that's er... Whew, that's how it went down.
FREEMAN: Seriously? So, now it's our job to check in on an entire planet that Picard left cold turkey?
RANSOM: Well, Captain, think about it like this. If they've relapsed, we'll provide much-needed aid. Project Swing By is gonna look great.
FREEMAN: With this reporter coming on board, I don't want us to look like fools. Mariner. What the hell are you covered in?!
MARINER: Blueberry filling. Yeah, we got the pie eating contest later today. Hey, we should get that reporter to cover it. We're gonna crush Ops this year. What's her problem? We did strawberry last year. She doesn't always get to pick the pie.
RANSOM: Ensign, if I were you, I would make myself scarce for the next couple days.
MARINER: Please, reporters love me. Plus, I'm so good at my job, I'm like a second captain. Yeah, like a mini captain. Like a little, sweet baby captain.
FREEMAN: We may want to roll out some duty changes, to make a good first impression. You get me?
MARINER: You better be ready to shovel some fucking pie, Marty. Your whole division's going down!
RANSOM: Loud and clear.

[Crew bunks]

BOIMLER: Gah! What the hell? Captain gave our next rotation to alpha shift? I... I didn't even know there was an alpha shift.
RUTHERFORD: We have orders to keep our work areas spotless, but I accidentally got my station stuck in the transporter buffer. Urgh. What if it's messy in there?
TENDI: I'm not allowed to scan anything until after the reporter leaves, but I scan when I get nervous.
MARINER: Hey, Carol gonna Carol, right? I mean, she's just trying to put her best foot forward. I get it. All we got to do is sit back and make her look great.
BOIMLER: Wow, that's weirdly mature of you.
VICTORIA: Wow, Captain. I have to tell you, covering a California-class ship is really special for me. My family's from Flagstaff.
FREEMAN: Ah, yes. Arizona is... very near California.
VICTORIA: Oh, it's just gorgeous.
FREEMAN: Victoria, let's get you settled in those guest quarters.
MARINER: Pretty great view, huh?
VICTORIA: Oh, it's stunning.
MARINER: And, you know, when it comes to the lower decks, nobody knows it better than beta shift. So, if you want a tour or something, just let me know.
FREEMAN: Actually, Ensign, I believe your shift doesn't begin for another three cycles.
MARINER: Right. That's why I have time. I'm early.
FREEMAN: Junior officers can be a bit excitable. You know, sometimes they forget they should be going to bed. Computer. Lights. Have you ever seen a warp core?
VICTORIA: Oh, my gosh, no. But, I can't wait.
MARINER: Whoa, seriously?
BOIMLER: Well, that was demoralizing.
MARINER: She's just... She's under a lot of pressure. But, hey, this... this gives us more time to practice for the pie eating contest. Yeah!

[Corridor]

(Notice on door.)
RUTHERFORD: The pie eating contest is canceled? But I've been expanding my G.I. tract to store more pie.
TENDI: And I perfected dislocating my jaw.

[Contest room]

BOIMLER: Mariner, what is your mom thinking? This is the biggest crew night of the year, not including pon farrs.
MARINER: Yeah, I don't really know what... Hey. Hey, man. No, not the pies.
BOIMLER: Hey, stop! We'll take those.
SECURITY: Captain's orders. No contest, no pies.
RUTHERFORD: Sir, I've been starving myself for days. Please! My body needs crust!
SECURITY: Stand back, Ensign. I have my orders.
ALL: Aw.
MARINER: Come on guys, there's plenty to do around here that doesn't end in sugary diarrhea.

[Corridor]

BOIMLER: Oh. Maybe for you.
MARINER: Let's go grab some synthehol and synthe-have a great time at the bar.

[Contest room]

RUTHERFORD: Sir, look at me. Look at me! Please, just one!
SECURITY: I can't. You know I can't.
RUTHERFORD: Then stun me!
SECURITY: No!

[Various places]

VICTORIA: Don't look at the holo-imager. Look at me. Okay, and just tell me what life is like on the Cerritos.
BARNES: Okay. Is this good? Last week, I got to scan an ancient probe from an unknown civilization, and I just signed up for aerial silks.
KAYSHON: For me, the Cerritos is life in the cave of Garanoga.
VICTORIA: Oh, you poor thing. They make you live in a cave?
KAYSHON: No, no, no. It's... The Cerritos is like home to me. I have lived in a cave, though.
KIMOLU: The Cerritos is the first time I've had unlimited fish in my life.
MATT: When we're not stellar mapping, we're partying!
RANSOM: Victoria, something about you really makes me open up. I feel very comfortable talking to you.
VICTORIA: Oh. Well, I think that's enough for today.

[Corridor]

OFFICER: Turn it around, Lower Decks. Captain wants you in your bunks.
MARINER: Wha...? Come on, man. This is our bar. We just... we just want to grab a drink, all right?
OFFICER: This isn't the bar anymore. It's the commander's lounge. And it's only for interviewees.
(Door opens.)
MARINER: Hey, wait, Jet's not a commander. He's a lower decker like us. How come he gets to be in there?
OFFICER: There's a list of approved people. Manhaver's on it.
MARINER: There's a list?
TENDI: Hey, it's... it's okay. Let's get out of here. Er, I've got some Somnusian root that'll knock us out for a while.
MARINER: I know Mom is stressed, but that reporter is here to report, and this isn't how the Cerritos actually is.
TENDI: What are you gonna do?
MARINER: I'm gonna tell the truth.

[Transporter room]

VICTORIA: The very first mission for Project Swing By. Tell me, Captain, are you nervous?
FREEMAN: The Ornarans were peaceful when last contacted, but we should be ready for anything.
VICTORIA: Well, I for one feel safe with this amazing crew.

[Ornara]

VICTORIA: Oh, wow. I didn't expect it to be this nice.
FREEMAN: Seems like the Ornarans are in a good place. But, stay alert. Sometimes the dark reality is hidden just beneath the glossy exterior.
B'NIR: Hey! Oh gosh, wow. Starfleet. It is so joyous that you've returned. I am B'Nir, the local magistrate. Welcome back.
FREEMAN: I am Captain Carol Freeman of the USS Cerritos. I know that your people's first contact with the Federation had its difficulties, but we're here to...
B'NIR: What? Oh. You're worried that things got bad when Picard cut us off from the felicium.
FREEMAN: Well, er... did they?
B'NIR: No. Picard was absolutely right. It was the best thing that ever happened to us. Look. We even made a mural. See, there's the Enterprise leaving us with no drugs, and here's all of us freaking out. We were in a bit of a bad place for the first, oh, ten, fourteen years, but we figured it out. Once we shook the old demons out, we focused on healthy diet and fitness. You could say we're addicted to that now.
RANSOM: Wow, my kind of people. How much you bench?
B'NIR: Oh, we don't do it for the numbers. We do it to quiet the voices in our heads.
RANSOM: Nice. I do 250.
FREEMAN: So, B'Nir, you have Starfleet at your full disposal. How may we be of assistance?
B'NIR: Yeah, we're good.
FREEMAN: Well, there must be something. We have medical supplies, engineering know-how, unlimited snacks.
B'NIR: Starfleet's done enough for Ornara. There's really no need for this visit. Now, excuse me, but I'm late for my 10K.
VICTORIA: Captain, do you anticipate all Project Swing By missions will be this... superfluous?
FREEMAN: I'm just gonna step off imager to make a quick call. Top secret Starfleet business.
RANSOM: While we're waiting, I could tell you about my own fitness journey.
VICTORIA: Cool.
BUENAMIGO [on PADD]: Ah. Carol. How's the mission going?
FREEMAN: There is no mission. The Ornarans don't need us.
BUENAMIGO [on PADD]: That can't be right. Make them show you their government, just in case it's secretly run by kids or somebody pretending to be the devil...
FREEMAN: There's nothing funky here, Les. Picard knew what he was doing.
BUENAMIGO [on PADD]: Damn it. We need something, or the entire program could be in jeopardy.
FREEMAN: We could go back to Beta III. There's a pretty good chance they've fallen for Landru again.
BUENAMIGO [on PADD]: What about the neighbours? The pusher planet? Maybe they're dealing with some difficulties that we can fix.
FREEMAN: Yes. They were left off even worse than the Ornarans.
RANSOM: You know, my little saying goes, glutes are cute, but obliques are for freaks.
FREEMAN: Well, everything seems in order here, so now we'll be continuing Project Swing By on the nearby planet Brekka.
RANSOM: We are?
FREEMAN: Just as planned. Cerritos, four to beam up.

[Corridor]

MARINER: Yo. Newslady.
VICTORIA: Ensign Mariner, I was just about to go interview your mother.
MARINER: Yeah. Well, before that, I've got some things you're going to want to hear.
VICTORIA: On the record? Well, then, come on in.
(Ransom has overheard.)

[Ready room]

FREEMAN: Come in.
VICTORIA: Captain Freeman, is this a good time for our interview?
FREEMAN: Of course. Please, have a seat.
VICTORIA: Super. Shall we dive right in?
FREEMAN: I think you've seen that I run a tight ship, capable of far more than just second contact.
VICTORIA: Actually, after my crew interviews, tight isn't the word I would use to describe the Cerritos.
FREEMAN: Oh. What would you call us?
VICTORIA: Chaotic. Quote, irresponsible. Silly is a word that has been tossed around quite a bit.
FREEMAN: What? No. No, I don't know what you've been hearing, but I can assure you, nothing about our work is silly.
VICTORIA: Is it true that your first officer turned into a giant head that tried to eat the ship like a hamburger?
FREEMAN: He... That was a one-time thing. It was a strange energies situation... something that many other crews have had to deal with as well.
VICTORIA: I also hear you left your post to take some engineers on a spa trip, where you had an emotional breakdown.
FREEMAN: Who told you that?
VICTORIA: Did you or did you not transport a Doopler into a Starfleet party as revenge for not being allowed inside?
FREEMAN: If you had been there, you would have...
VICTORIA: And tell me, Captain, was that the same vindictive streak that led you to purposely give a Pandronian drill instructor a poly-heart attack?
FREEMAN: Ah-ah-ah, she was...
VICTORIA: Your head of security was turned into a puppet, you let spear-wielding aliens take over the ship, you got Quark kidnapped, then there was the whole thing with the exocomp, and I'm seeing a lot of stuff about Q.

[Bridge]

MARINER: Okay. Look alive, people. Everybody's favourite ensign on deck. er, Captain wanted to see me? Yeesh. Tough crowd. I guess the camera really does add ten frowns. You know?

[Ready room]

MARINER: Okay, I don't usually worry about morale, but the energy out there is dark. I think everybody's on edge about the reporter.
RANSOM: Mariner... I saw you go into Victoria's quarters.
FREEMAN: What the hell did you say to her?!
MARINER: I know. I wasn't on the list, okay? But I had to tell her some stories, you know, about what it's really like to work here.
FREEMAN: So, you went out of your way to make me look like a fool.
MARINER: I just told her the truth.
RANSOM: You went too far this time, Mariner.
FREEMAN: You told her all sorts of terrible, out-of-context...
MARINER: I gave context.
FREEMAN: When are you gonna grow up, Beckett? You have absolutely no concept of when to shut your mouth.
MARINER: Don't talk to me like I'm 15. I'm a Starfleet officer and an essential part of your crew.
FREEMAN: Not anymore.
MARINER: What is... what is that supposed to mean?
RANSOM: Er, Captain, what are you doing?
FREEMAN: Oh, you want to backstab, complain and be hard to work with? Well, there's a place for people like that. It's called Starbase 80.
RANSOM: Starbase 80?
MARINER: What about it?
FREEMAN: I've already put through the transfer. Shuttle's on the way.
MARINER: Mom, is... is this a joke? Where's the hover-cam?
FREEMAN: Does it look like I'm joking? I want you off of my ship before we get to Brekka so you don't cause any more damage.
MARINER: Oh, my God, you're not kidding. Mom, please.
FREEMAN: You are no longer my ensign or my problem. I don't even know if I can call you my daughter anymore. Dismissed.

[Corridor]

SHAXS: Made us sound like losers.
BARNES: Yeah. Starbase 80.
LEVY: Hey, Mariner...
MARINER: Levy, I can't right now.
LEVY: I know that this is all part of some temporal cold war shenanigans, but what you did is really messed up.
MARINER: Oh, Jennifer. My mom is acting like I stabbed her in the back, and I need...
JENNIFER: We're all trying to put our best foot forward. Urgh, what you did hurt the entire crew.
MARINER: Well, I didn't... I didn't do anything. Tell me what I did.
JENNIFER: I'm gonna keep my opinions to myself. You should try it. Here, you can have your candle back, since it clearly didn't mean anything.
MARINER: I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm... I'm losing my mind. Is this a... is this a Frame of Mind thing? Am I gonna wake up with a neural drain on my head?
JENNIFER: The only neural drain around here is you.
MARINER: Jennifer, I need you to believe me. I didn't do anything wrong.
JENNIFER: How am I supposed to trust you? You tell everyone all the time this is who you are.
MARINER: Yeah, but you know me better than that.
JENNIFER: I really don't.
FREEMAN [OC]: Attention, all crew. For operational security, please refrain from communicating with former Cerritos officer Mariner.
MARINER: Give the stupid candle to Castro. I don't care.

[Crew bunks]

RUTHERFORD: Mariner, we just heard.
TENDI: You're being transferred?
MARINER: Apparently I torpedoed the whole California-class.
BOIMLER: You've done a lot worse than this. It's gonna blow over.
MARINER: I didn't do anything.
BOIMLER: Oh yeah, no, sure. But maybe just apologise for what she thinks you did?
MARINER: Whatever. It's not my first time getting kicked off a ship. You know, the goodbyes are the worst part, so let's just... Let's not say anything.
BOIMLER: Mariner, you... you can't leave the Cerritos.
MARINER: Yeah, I can. This always happens.

[Shuttle bay]

ENSIGN: You lost it, man. No, I didn't lose it. It's around here somewhere. Oh, hey. You Ensign Bucket Mariner?
MARINER: Beckett. Yeah.
ENSIGN: Oh, Beckett. Right. Must've got some elbow grease on this thing.
MARINER: That's not what elbow grease is.
ENSIGN 2: Ooo, this is a nice ship. Doesn't smell like garbage or sweat. Man, I'd do anything to work here. So, Captain coming to see you off or what?
MARINER: Guess not. All right, I'm transferred. Let's go.
ENSIGN 2: Here's your uniform. It's a one-size-fits-some.
ENSIGN: Oh, my sammich! Ah. See? Told you I didn't eat it. Mmm.
MARINER: Oh.

[Bridge]

BOIMLER: Orders, Captain?
FREEMAN: Resume course.
BARNES: Captain, we are in orbit of Brekka.
FREEMAN: Doctor Migleemo, you have the conn.
MIGLEEMO: Ba-ha-ha. A feast of opportunities to make you proud, Captain.
FREEMAN: Keep it together, Doctor. You'll do fine.
MIGLEEMO: It's really happening.
BOIMLER: Orders, sir?
MIGLEEMO: Yes. Initiate a subspace communication link to my meema. I want her to see her special boy being the captain!
BOIMLER: Yes, sir.

[Brekka]

FREEMAN: Well, I hope you know my daughter's stories are heavily biased.
VICTORIA: Oh, is that so?
FREEMAN: Your focus should be with Project Swing By and the benefit it can have to the forgotten planets in the quadrant.
VICTORIA: Well, that remains to be seen. Perhaps you'll be able to help more here on Brekka, because frankly, Ornara was a dud.
FREEMAN: I'm sure we're about to be extremely useful.
VICTORIA: Er, useful to whom, exactly?
RANSOM: Well, good thing Starfleet is here to notice that everyone is missing. Project Swing By seems like a success.
FREEMAN: Phasers out. Something's not right.
(They split up.)
RANSOM: Oh, hello. Captain, I found someone.
BREKKIAN: Please, you have to go.
RANSOM: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm with Starfleet. I can help. Where is everyone?
BREKKIAN: Aah!
(She is disintegrated.)
RANSOM: No! Breen? Aah! Captain, there are Breen soldiers in the city. Aah! We need to evacuate. Ow!
FREEMAN: Stay down!
VICTORIA: In a stunning development, Breen soldiers have occupied Brekka! Not since the Dominion war have I... Aah!
FREEMAN: Emergency transport now.

[Bridge]

FREEMAN: Red alert. All hands to battle sta... - Meema?
MIGLEEMO: Er, Mother, you should not be calling me at work. Goodbye.
FREEMAN: Mister Boimler, I need some distance between us and this system.
BOIMLER: Breen interceptors closing fast. They're firing!
BARNES: Shields are failing!
FREEMAN: Fire torpedoes! Full spread!
SHAXS: They covered the spread, Captain. Argh! Shields are down. Brace for impact!
(Hole blasted through the saucer.)
BARNES: Damage to all decks.
FREEMAN: Seal affected areas.
BARNES: Captain, we're being hailed.
SHAXS: Why aren't they finishing us off?
FREEMAN: They're going to board us. All hands, prepare countermeasures.

[Ready room]

SHAXS: The Breen don't take prisoners. Do not try to negotiate. Defend yourselves at all costs.

[Bridge]

BOIMLER: Captain, incoming ship.
FREEMAN: More Breen? No, it's er... I think it's Starfleet.
(Two Breen ships go KaBOOM.)
FREEMAN: What the hell kind of ship is that?
(More Breen ships go KaBOOM.)
BOIMLER: They're gonna ram us!
(It gets taken out in time.)
ALL: Phew.
FREEMAN: Hail that vessel. I want to know who to thank for saving our lives.
BARNES: Captain, there are no life signs aboard that ship.
FREEMAN: What?
BOIMLER: Er, incoming communication from Admiral Buenamigo.
FREEMAN: Main screen.
BUENAMIGO [on viewscreen]: Ah, Carol, thank goodness you're okay. We tried to get here as soon as possible.
FREEMAN: Les, are you on that ship?
BUENAMIGO [on viewscreen]: No one is. Meet the new Texas-class. This is the Aledo, the first of three fully automated Federation starships. And it looks like she just passed her sea trials.
VICTORIA: Admiral, wow, this ship is amazing.
BUENAMIGO [on viewscreen]: As of today, consider it declassified. I'm happy to tell you anything and everything about the Texas-class. See, our goal for this new class of ship was to remove the...
FREEMAN: What the fuck just happened?
RANSOM: I don't know, Captain. But Project Swing By just revealed a Breen incursion, so I think everyone's gonna be very impressed.

[FNN presents: Starfleet's shame - a Victoria Nuze expose]

VICTORIA: In my time on the Cerritos, I experienced a culture of conflict between the crew.
BARNES: I mean, Ops is clearly the best. We never had to take a spa vacation like Engineering. The captain totally lost it, by the way. Those engineers are so hard to deal with.
KAYSHON: I got turned into a puppet on my very first mission. The crew never held it against me, though.
SHAXS: Oh, you should have heard Quark scream when he was being carried away. Aah! I... I'm sorry. What was the question again?
VICTORIA: Although there were some, who had nothing but praise.
MARINER: Well, there's the family you're born into, right, and then the family you choose. I've got both here on the Cerritos. If you're measuring by heart, this is the strongest ship in the fleet, because we've got the best captain at the helm. My mom.
VICTORIA: But this sole voice of California-class exceptionalism was transferred off the ship just for talking to me. Is Freeman really the best captain or simply a cruel taskmaster? I'm Victoria Nuzé for FNN.

[Crew bunks]

TENDI: Mariner didn't say anything bad about the ship. It was everybody else.
RUTHERFORD: They didn't even realise what they were doing.
BOIMLER: I knew something was off. We should have made her stay. I can't imagine how the captain's feeling.

[Ready room]

FREEMAN: Oh, come on, come on.
OFFICER [on screen]: Hey-o. Starbase 80. What do you need?
FREEMAN: This is Captain Carol Freeman. I've made a terrible mistake. I need to speak with Ensign Beckett Mariner. OFFICER [on screen] Who?
WOMAN [OC]: Oh, no, you don't!
OFFICER [on screen]: Hold on. Would you just use the freakin' broom already? Sorry. We got a Pyrithian bat flying around in here. What the fuck? I said hit it with the broom.
WOMAN [OC]: I did that. It didn't care.
FREEMAN: Ensign Beckett Mariner. Can you please just connect me?
OFFICER [on screen]: All right, calm down, lady. You ain't my captain. Let's see, let's see. Marner, Marner. Oh, yeah. Nope. Can't connect you.
FREEMAN: You don't even have working communications?
OFFICER [on screen]: Rude. Of course we do. Usually. But this one here resigned.
FREEMAN: Resigned? What? No. Are you sure?
OFFICER [on screen]: Yep. Handed in her combadge and phaser and... (knocked over by the bat) Hit it. Hit it.
WOMAN [OC]: Look out.
OFFICER [OC]: Hit the bat.
(Comms lost.)
FREEMAN: Oh, what have I done? Oh Beckett, where are you?

[Spacecraft]

PETRA: Hey, so I just got a hot tip on some Vedalan mummies. Should be pretty ancient. Want to check 'em out, Number One?
MARINER: Eh, they're not gonna dig up themselves, right? Because that would be, like, very unsettling.
PETRA: No. I mean, once or twice, they have. But, nah, odds are they won't.
MARINER: Then hell yeah. Let's mummy it up.