[Romulan ship]

MALOK: Urgh, why do we always get cleanup duty when they've tortured a Reman? They leave behind the biggest mess.
ROMULAN: Sub-Commander Vrek takes pleasure in our misery. Hopefully, he doesn't get too comfortable, for soon my plans will come to fruition and his life will be... disrupted.
MALOK: You are betraying Sub-Commander Vrek? That is a pity, because I am already betraying him and my plans will come to fruition first.
ROMULAN: Oh please, don't make me scoff. Your plans are barely even schemes.
MALOK: You wouldn't know a scheme from a conspiracy. Ooo, an alert. Our sinister plans will have to wait.

[Romulan bridge]

VREK: Urgh, Reman juice never comes out. Status report.
OFFICER: An unknown ship seems to have intentionally blocked our path. How did they detect us?
VREK: Assassination plots against me are one thing, but sabotage? Is this your doing, Malok?
MALOK: How dare you! Of course I crave your demise, but not like...
VREK: Silence. I've been stabbing commanders in the back since before your mother killed her first traitor. Wipe this crumb from our path so I can focus on being suspicious.
OFFICER 2: Commander, our systems... they're not responding!
VREK: That's impossible. Fire disruptors!
OFFICER: No, it's true. Our shields are deactivating.
VREK: Go to cloak!
(KaBOOM!)

[Gym]

(Doing the Crusher/Troi stretching routine.)
SHAXS: Let me die!
RANSOM: No, no, no. Stay with me, Shaxs. You're gonna get through this. We're exploring the galactic frontier, we need to stay flexible. Wow, you're really tight today. What's got you so tense, amigo?
SHAXS: One minute T'Ana's all over me, the next she says I'm too clingy and she won't come out from under the bed.
RANSOM: Have you tried scratching your fingers on the covers and going pss-pss-pss-pss?
SHAXS: Of course I have!
(Mariner is about to enter, and listens in.)
SHAXS: How's it going with the new lieutenants?
RANSOM: Good, except for Mariner.
SHAXS: Mmm-hmm.
RANSOM: I've got her right where I want her. She thinks she knows the score, but trust me, she won't be my problem for long. Hot fudge sundaes after this?
SHAXS: Oh, yeah.
RANSOM: Ha, ha. Cheat day.

[Crew bunks]

BOIMLER: We put a lot of lightyears on these orange slabs. I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional.
TENDI: Aw, how could you not? We spent so much time hanging out, staying up late ranking captains by cuteness, swapping bodies because of those cosmic rays.
RUTHERFORD: We learned too much about each other that day.
BOIMLMER: I'm even gonna miss the dent I made from all the times I slammed my head on the ceiling during a red alert. Goodbye, Denty.
TENDI: You okay, Mariner? Need any help packing?
MARINER: No thanks. Ransom's just gonna knock me back down to ensign anyway.
BOIMLER: He promoted you last week.
MARINER: I just heard him bragging to Shaxs that he's messing with me.
BOIMLER: What? Why?
MARINER: I mean, who knows. His brain is, like, the only part of his body he doesn't work out.
TENDI: But didn't he say he was going to support you?
MARINER: Oh, they always do, and then the second I speak my mind, bam. Right back to being an ensign. They always think it's, like, a learning experience.
RUTHERFORD: Wait, is he dumb or playing mind games?
MARINER: Well, who cares. I'm not falling for it. Ransom's just waiting for me to mess up, huh? Fine. I'm gonna become an insubordination supernova and control my own fate.
TENDI: But you're not actually gonna blow anything up, right?
MARINER: No. I'm gonna talk back, break the rules, crack some inappropriate jokes in front of an ambassador. When I get demoted, it'll be because I earned it.
BOIMLER: Well, that should prove to be a disaster. Should we go check out our rooms?
TENDI: Yeah, come on, Rutherford. Oh, right. I'm sorry.
RUTHERFORD: You guys go ahead. I'm still a lowly ensign.
BOIMLER: Urgh, I totally forgot you didn't get promoted with us. You exude lieutenant junior grade energy.
TENDI: I don't know if I'm going to like not bunking five feet away from you. I mean, how will I sleep without someone muttering about the warp threshold?
RUTHERFORD: Aw, Tendi, don't worry, I'll just get a promotion today so I can join you guys.
BOIMLER: I... don't know if it's that easy.
RUTHERFORD: I just have to do some amazing engineering. How hard could it be?
BOIMLER: Oof. What I would give for his confidence.
TENDI: Huh. Maybe you'd have it if you didn't hIt your head so much.
BOIMLER: Don't say stuff like that in front of Denty.

[Shuttlebay]

MARINER: What up, nerds? Who's ready to get mission-y?
RANSOM: Almost on time, Mariner. Well done. This is Ensign Gary's first away mission, so I'd like you to take him under your wing. You know, once you change into your uniform.
MARINER: Nah. You know, I thought I'd keep it "caszh" today. Simple mission, simple outfit. This guy gets it.
RANSOM: Okay. Speaking of the mission, please fill Ensign Gary in on the particulars.
MARINER: Can do, hoss. Boom. Today we're dealing with a classic menage.
GARY: Menage?
RANSOM: A menagerie.
MARINER: Well, it's basically just a big-ass alien zoo full of aliens run by another alien. This one scooped up a couple of humans... by accident, so we got to bust them the fuck out.
GARY: Oh, I... I didn't know it would be dangerous.
RANSOM: It's not. And this place has a strict no weapons policy.
MARINER: Ha. Menageries are always capturing humans then turning them back over to Starfleet. We'll be in and out, no biggie. Right, Jack?
RANSOM: Let's just get in the shuttle.
GARY: Wait, when you're a lieutenant JG you can call him Jack?
MARINER: I always call him Jack because, you know, socially, we're equals. Right, Jack?
RANSOM: We're leaving now.

[Corridor]

BOIMLER: Oh boy, Mirror Universe Archer, you're gonna love our new room.

[Boimler's quarters]

(Bright red light.)
BOIMLER: Aah! The nacelle is right there? Okay, not the best view, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. Ah! Lil' Archer!

[Shuttlecraft]

RANSOM: Take her in nice and easy.
MARINER: Aye aye, sir. Nice and easy.
GARY: What are you doing?!
RANSOM: Slow down, slow down, slow down!
GARY: I don't want to die!
(Slides sideways into the spacedock.)
MARINER: Was that nice and easy enough?
RANSOM: That... was some great piloting. Let's get to work.
GARY: I need to replicate some new pants.

[Menagerie]

NARJ: Oh-ho, greetings. Narj is happy to welcome you to Narj's Miraculous Menagerarium, recently voted one of the top thousand menageries in the quadrant. Narj will be sad to lose the humans. They're incredibly popular.
MARINER: How did they even get locked up here in the first place?
NARJ: Accidentally scooped up with a shipment of bipedals. Narj has to admit that Narj does have a hard time telling non-botanical creatures apart.
RANSOM: Happens all the time. Humans are always getting stuck in menageries. But don't worry, I brought my best team with me. We'll be out of your leaves lickity split.
MARINER: His best team? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
GARY: I guess the commander likes us.
MARINER: What? No, he doesn't. He's messing with me. He's setting me up for humiliation when he comes down on me later.
GARY: Are you guys breaking up or something?
MARINER: Yeah, we are, as coworkers. And we're gonna force it right now.
GARY: I'm having a little trouble decoding the dynamic here, but I'd really like to be left out of it.
MARINER: Hey, Narj. What got you in the prison business, huh? Just a cruel weirdo who loves locking people up?
NARJ: A prison is a place for criminals. I've given these sweet creatures a safe home.
MARINER: What about this little guy? He doesn't deserve to be in your fucked-up hobby.
NARJ: Hobby? The Moopsy is Narj's favourite.
MOOPSY: Moopsy.
MARINER: Do you imprison everything you like?
NARJ: Of course.
RANSOM: Mariner, it's not our place to judge the menagerie. We're just here to collect the humans.
MARINER: No, you're here to collect humans. I'm here to be human, which means calling bullshit when I see it.
NARJ: Narj does not understand. Narj abides by Federation law.
RANSOM: Don't worry about it. She's a firebrand, but I trust her with my life.
MARINER: No, you're not getting in my head.
MOOPSY: Moopsy.

[Engineering]

RUTHERFORD: And I can't wait until we're the same rank again, because then we can get back to praising people behind their backs. I think Boimler's gonna be a great lieutenant.
TENDI: I don't want you to pressure yourself to get a promotion just so we can hang out. It can take years.
RUTHERFORD: Don't worry, I've been working on something pretty impressive. Billups is gonna love it. Commander Billups. Can I run something by you, sir?
BILLUPS: Of course, Mister Rutherford. What's up?
RUTHERFORD: For the past year, I've been working to decrease vibration in the warp manifold by a factor of .05.
BILLUPS: .05 ? That can't be right.
RUTHERFORD: Well, it wasn't easy, but with a little ingenuity...
BILLUPS: No, I mean it can't be right because a few minutes ago Ensign Livik decreased the vibration by a factor of .06.
RUTHERFORD: Ensign Livik? Who's that?
BILLUPS: The new guy.
ALL: Livik! Livik! Livik! Livik!
RUTHERFORD: Livik.

[Boimler's quarters]

(Finds a pair of goggles.)
BOIMLER: Ha! Stupid bussard light. You ain't so tough now.

[Engineering]

BILLUPS: I'll tell you, if Livik keeps this up, he'll have a promotion in no time. Let's fire up his protocol right now. I want to see that .06 in action.

[Boimler's quarters]

(A bright white light cuts through the red.)
BOIMLER: Help.

[Menagerie]

NARJ: And right this way. Hello, humans. arj hopes you have enjoyed your stay in the Menage. Now, it is time for you to return to your natural habitat.
RANSOM: I know you're taking a hit losing these guys. We appreciate the positive attitude.
NARJ: Not to worry. My real moneymakers are the Pyrithian Swamp Gobblers over there.
MOOPSY: Moopsy.
NARJ: Hmm? Oh, fuck! The Moopsy is free!
MARINER: Oh, no, your cuddliest prisoner is loose. Whatever shall we do?
NARJ: You don't understand. Everything here is incredibly dangerous.
MOOPSY [OC]: Moopsy.
(Gets into the Pyrithian's habitat.)
RANSOM: Can't be worse than the Swamp Gobblers.
NARJ: Of course it's worse! They only gobble you. The Moopsy drinks your bones!
MARINER: How does something drink bones?
(Moopsy demonstrates.)
MARINER: Holy fuck!
NARJ: Run! Run for your lives!
MOOPSY: Moopsy.

[Engineering]

RUTHERFORD: Come on, come on, come on, show me that sweet incremental improvement. Yes! Commander Billups? You might want to sit down. I increased the power output of the Tucker Tubes by seven pico-cochrans.
BILLUPS: That's great, Rutherford. I just hope those adjustments can apply to the Billups Tubes.
RUTHERFORD: The what now?
BILLUPS: Ensign Livik figured out how to add a third tube without triggering a Heisenberg collapse.
RUTHERFORD: A third tube?
BILLUPS: Yeah, and he named it the Billups Tubes. Classic Livik. I... I don't even know what we use these for, but I love them.
ALL: Livik! Livik!

[Corridor]

RUTHERFORD: Livik.

[Another corridor]

BOIMLER: Wow, so close to the holodecks. This is gonna be awesome.

[Boimler's new quarters]

BOIMLER: That's more like it. Thanks for helping me get my new quarters, sir.
SHAXS: Happy to help, baby bear. Well, have fun getting settled in. I've got to run, Doctor T'Ana and I have a date on the holodeck.
BOIMLER: Have fun.

[Corridor]

T'ANA: (as Robin Hood) You ready to get disgusting?
SHAXS: Has that ever stopped you before?

[Boimler's new quarters]

T'ANA [OC]: Computer, activate T'Ana program 35.
BOIMLER: Er, how thin are these walls?
ROBIN [OC]: With me, my merry men. We must make haste to the castle to save the Maid Marion. Ow! What are you doing?
T'ANA [OC]: Shut your fucking face. I'm Robin Hood now. Toodley doo! Shaxs, hold him down.
SHAXS [OC]: You've already hurt him pretty bad.
T'ANA [OC]: Kick his head!
ROBIN [OC]: Help! A cat has stolen my hat and arrows.
SHAXS [OC]: Can't we just do the program as intended for once?
BOIMLER: Oh!
FREEMAN [OC]: And now that I am president of all Starfleet, allow me to present my inaugural scatting.
BOIMLER: Why is there a room between two holodecks?
T'ANA [OC]: Don't make me arrow you!
SHAXS [OC]: Ow! Stop that.
T'ANA [OC]: Make me!
SHAXS [OC]: Ow!

[Secure room]

MOOPSY: (outside) Moopsy.
GARY: So much... for these new pants.
MARINER: Er, no weapons policy in a death-trap zoo? Fucking genius. What's your problem?
RANSOM: Do I really have to say it?
MARINER: Wait, you think I let that thing out?
RANSOM: You've been pulling insubordinate crap all day.
MARINER: Oh, that is rich.
RANSOM: You're the one who let a bone-eating monster out of its cage.
NARJ: Er, Narj will make sure the Moopsy is still attacking the door.
MARINER: Yeah, I've been pushing your buttons, because I knew you were looking for a reason to demote me, and of course it's for something I didn't even do.
RANSOM: Wait, why would I want to demote you?
MARINER: Gee, I don't know. How about our entire working relationship?
RANSOM: What? I'm a good boss.
MARINER: You stabbed me in the foot with a battle blade. You... you turned into a giant head and tried to eat me. You tried to trick me into messing up on that space elevator...
RANSOM: That was an orbital lift.
MARINER: And then, after you promised you would believe in me, I heard you tell Shaxs in the gym that I wasn't gonna be your problem anymore.
RANSOM: What? The gym? You heard that?
MARINER: Ha! You admit it.
RANSOM: All I meant is that you're not gonna be my problem because I'm not gonna take the bait with your insubordination.
MARINER: Bait? What... what are you talking about?
RANSOM: Ah, it's all in your file. You've been promoted a dozen times, then you always get demoted for acting out.
MARINER: Yeah, 'cause I'm a, you know, I'm a free spirit.
RANSOM: No. Because you're manipulating your commanding officers. I'm gonna be the first one who doesn't fall for it. Trust me, it's not easy.
MARINER: I do not try to get demoted.
RANSOM: What have you been doing all day?
MARINER: No, I... I was... You... Okay, fine, that was just today.
RANSOM: You always do.
MARINER: No, I don't. I... Shut up. Why would I do that?
RANSOM: I don't know. But I'm sorry to say, you still have my unwavering support, no matter how hard you make it.
MARINER: I didn't let the Moopsy out.
RANSOM: I believe you.
MARINER: Okay. Thank you.
GARY: I'm glad you two worked your whole thing out, but can we maybe focus on the bone-drinking monster this plant guy probably set loose?
NARJ: You accuse Narj of Moopsy freeing? Narj would never do such a thing.
RANSOM: Not even if we got killed and you kept your valuable humans? Plus, you're a tree. You probably don't even have bones.
NARJ: Ridiculous! Narj is ossified. Narj... Hmm?
(The ceiling hatch falls in.)
MOOPSY: Moopsy.
(And it lands on Narj.)
RANSOM: It's chugging him!
(They run out.)
MARINER: Wait, the door. (outside) Phew, no ladders. Now it can't get back through those vents.
GARY: (outside) Yeah. Now it's trapped in the... station's main control room.
MOOPSY: Moopsy.
(And walks over the station thruster controls.)

[Jefferies tube]

BOIMLER: Ah, this is perfect. A nice, dark Jefferies Tube where we can't hear anyone decapitate Peter Pan. Ah, this is much better than the bunks.
RUTHERFORD: Hey, Boimler.
BOIMLER: Aah!
RUTHERFORD: What you doing in here?
BOIMLER: Hey, Rutherford. Uh, I live here now. You doing a systems check?
RUTHERFORD: Nah, I'm trying to find a way to diffuse heat conduction by a few nano joules.
BOIMLER: Oh, some ensign just came through here doing the exact same thing. Seemed like a real wunderkind. I was impressed.
RUTHERFORD: Livik. Leave some minor improvements for the rest of us, guy!
BOIMLER: Dinner later?
RUTHERFORD: Sure.

[Menagerie]

(Gary screaming as they plummet towards the planet.)
MARINER: Hey, calm down.
GARY: You calm down! If you two hadn't been bickering, we wouldn't be falling into a planet!
MARINER: Nobody's dying today, because I'm gonna crawl through the vents, unlock the door, and get the Moopsy to chase me out, so you two can rush in and stabilise the orbit while it drinks my bones.
RANSOM: Stand down, Mariner.
MARINER: Jack, we are plummeting. Even if this works, we'll only stop re-entry by the skin of our teeth.
RANSOM: Wait, that's it. Mariner, punch me in the face. That's an order, Lieutenant.
MARINER: Okay.
RANSOM: Come on, as hard as you can.
(Knocks a tooth out.)
RANSOM: That thing wants bones? We'll give it bones.
MARINER: Oh, you're a genius.
(And keeps punching his teeth out.)
GARY: I should have been an outpost scientist.

[Corridor]

TENDI: Wait, Rutherford, you've been working yourself to death all day. You don't have to do this.
RUTHERFORD: No. This time I nailed it. I sped up the replicators by nine whole femtoseconds. I'm definitely getting a promotion now. You and I'll be the same rank and stay friends forever.

[Engineering]

RUTHERFORD: Billups. Whew. It took an unbelievable amount of engineering, but I finally managed...
BILLUPS: I'm sure whatever you did is great, Mister Rutherford, but it'll have to wait until after the pip ceremony.
RUTHERFORD: Huh? Livik!

[Corridor]

RUTHERFORD: I'm sorry, Tendi. I let you down.
TENDI: Mister Rutherford, stand at attention.
RUTHERFORD: What?
TENDI: I am your superior, Ensign. Do it. We'll be friends no matter what our ranks are. We're going to spend tons of time hanging out and talking about science and telling jokes and, you know, do all the things we used to do. And that's an order.
RUTHERFORD: Yes, ma'am.
TENDI: Oh, my gosh, I just gave my first order. Oh.
RUTHERFORD: Man, now I wish I hadn't turned down all those promotions.
TENDI: Sorry, what?
RUTHERFORD: You know, for saving the Cerritos from the Pakleds, and the Rubidoux from the space jellyfish, stuff like that.
TENDI: Wait. Why did you turn them all down?
RUTHERFORD: Because I didn't want my own room where I wouldn't be near you.
TENDI: Aw, Rutherford, but, can't you just go accept one right now?
RUTHERFORD: Nah, they take it really seriously in engineering. You have to earn it with a scientific...

[Engineering]

TENDI: Hey, Billups! Can Rutherford have his promotion for that time he removed the hull?
BILLUPS: Oh, sure. Ah, sorry, Livik, maybe next time.
RUTHERFORD: Wait, I can just ask for stuff I deserve?
BILLUPS: I guess.
ALL: Rutherford! Rutherford!
RUTHERFORD: Hooray! Thanks, everyone.
LIVIK: Rutherford. And also Tendi.

[Menagerie]

(Eats a tooth.)
MOOPSY: Moopsy.
(And back into its habitat.)
MOOPSY: Moopsy.
MARINER: Got you, you cuddly little murderer.
RANSOM: We say-bih-eye da say-sa orbih!
(Black eye, bleeding nose, no teeth.)
MARINER: What's that, Gummy?
GARY: We stabilised the station's orbit. Oh, man, victory really is that much sweeter when you almost got killed.
MARINER: I just wish we could have figured out how this little guy got out in the first place. I mean, it clearly wasn't Narj, dude was brimming with bones.
RANSOM: Let's get these humans out of here. Starfleet security can figure it out.
GARY: Well, at least it wasn't our fault. You know, humans are always being blamed for being dangerous, but, we don't have claws or fangs, or...
MARINER: Hey, that umbrella is upside down, yeah?
(The hatch in the human habitat falls open, and the Moopsy door opens.)
MARINER: Did you fuckers rewire the Moopsy door? You could've got us all killed.
RANSOM: Wow. I guess humans really are the most dangerous game.
GARY: Damn it.
MARINER [OC]: Lieutenant junior grade's log... Nope, no, too weird. Let's go with Mariner's log. So, yeah, of course it was the humans in the menagerie that set the Moopsy free. They'd seen how profitable they were as an attraction, so they wanted to kill Narj and keep the station for themselve. Humans. We really are the worst. So, anyway, instead of bringing them to the Cerritos, we left them in the menagerie until somebody else has time to pick them up. Could take a while. As for Ransom, it took some doing, but Doctor T'Ana was able to fix him up with a new set of chompers.

[Sickbay]

T'ANA: Just don't eat any hard stuff for a few days while the veneers set. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go kill the Sheriff of Nottingham for being a little fuckface. Ah ha!
MARINER: So, uh, sorry I knocked all your teeth out. I ended up only needing, like, ten of them.
RANSOM: I was just happy you were following my orders.
MARINER: I'm sorry I doubted you, sir.
RANSOM: I haven't always been the most supportive over the years, but at least now you know I'm definitely not gonna let you self-sabotage anymore. So, maybe we can cool it on the reign of terror.
MARINER: Yeah. Yeah. That'll be, er, interesting.
RANSOM: Trust me, Mariner, you're gonna be a great officer. Just like me.

[Corridor]

BOIMLER: Congrats on the promotion, man.
RUTHERFORD: Thanks. And great call on us being roommates. We're gonna get even better quarters than if we were alone.
BOIMLER: Oh, really? No way.

[Nacelle glow quarters]

BOIMLER: Aah! No! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, this can't be happening.
RUTHERFORD: Whoa! That's bright. Just got to dim the vie ports, and we're all set. Hope you don't mind me tinkering on projects all night. Ow! If you see any sparks, just stamp them out.
(Boimler lays on the lower bunk, then jumps as a spark hits him, making a dent.)
BOIMLER: Ooh! Ah... Huh. You know what? This is already starting to feel like home.