[Path]

C1: Thank you, for making the trip on short notice, Captain. We're very concerned about Vexilon.
FREEMAN: Well, he's not trying to subjugate anyone, is he? I thought he was a friendly computer.
C2: He is, but his hardware is ancient, wearing down. Vexilon has been operating with less accuracy than we are accustomed.
FREEMAN: Your world computer's lagging?
C2: The weather has become unpredictable. One minute it's blue skies, the next it's blizzards.
C1: His geographic processes are faltering, too. Just yesterday, one of our rivers reversed its flow and flooded a mountain.
C2: We're all artists and poets, but I've been so stressed. Just look at the terrible statues I made last week.
RANSOM: Yeesh. Yeah, that's a pretty clumsy expression of form.
C1: Those are our finest works. We're talking about those over there.
FREEMAN: Well, why don't we just go check on Vexilon, and afterward you can tell us all about your creative process.
RANSOM: Just an amateur lack of focus and balance.
FREEMAN [OC]: Ransom!

[Vexilon building]

VEXILON: Welcome to Corazonia, Captain. We appreciate Starfleet's help. Please enjoy some iced tea.
RANSOM: Ah! That's hot!
VEXILON: Damn it! I'm so stupid!
FREEMAN: It's totally normal for a planetary operating system to need some maintenance every once in a while.
C2: No one's judging you.
VEXILON: Ah. Thank you. It's just embarrassing. I've been fine for a millennia, but now I can't even control my monsoon seasons.
FREEMAN: Why don't I just pop your control panel and take a look at your circuits? I'm sure we can have you up and running in no time.
RANSOM: Captain, we have engineers who could...
FREEMAN: Stand down, Jack. I minored in archaic technology back at the Academy. I think I've got this.
VEXILON: Thank you, Captain. I don't deserve this treatment. I hope this isn't taking you away from more important work.
FREEMAN: Oh, shh. Not at all. We needed to stop in and retrofit the power relay Starfleet installed during first contact anyway. I've got one of my lieutenants on that now.

[Power station]

BOIMLER: Oh, this is it. Your first away mission as a commander. No big deal. You've got this. You are boss, Boimler, and you're gonna nail...
T'LYN: Lieutenant Boimler.
BOIMLER: What?! I mean, hi. I mean, er... yes, T'Lyn?
T'LYN: Your team is waiting. Have you completed your confidence-boosting ritual?
BOIMLER: Oh, that's not what I was doing. I was just, er, running a last-minute check of supplies. Has everyone tested their comms? Boimler to T'Lyn. (feedback) Yah!
T'LYN: All equipment is in adequate condition to accomplish our errand.
BOIMLER: It's not an errand, it's a mission. My first mission as commander. It's pretty cool, right?
T'LYN: Perhaps we should proceed.
BOIMLER: Ensigns, at attention. This is a cut-and-dry power terminal upgrade. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to come to me or Provisional Lieutenant Junior Grade T'Lyn, who's on site in case any science stuff happens.
T'LYN: Everything that has ever occurred is science stuff.
BOIMLER: Oh, er, right. That went pretty well, I'd say.
T'LYN: I do not know to what you are referring. We have not started the repair.
BOIMLER: I mean, talking to my team. I've had good bosses and bad ones. I just don't want to repeat their mistakes.
T'LYN: Your caution is warranted. Statistically, ensigns serving under recently promoted commanders are more likely to experience death and/or dismemberment.
BOIMLER: Death?!
T'LYN: Yes. And/or dismemberment.
BOIMLER: Well, luckily this mission's pretty tame. It's just swapping out some terminals.
T'LYN: The component pieces are unstable and could detonate at any moment.
BOIMLER: Wha...?
T'LYN: The retrofit must be conducted in precise order, or the terminal will explode.
BOIMLER: It's like disarming a building-sized bomb?
T'LYN: The similarity is not inaccurate.
BOIMLER: All right, gang. Who's ready to be careful?

[Corridor]

TENDI: I wonder how Boimler's doing down there on his mission.
MARINER: Oh, he's either doing great or super overthinking it and getting sweaty.
RUTHERFORD: I don't know why. Being a lieutenant junior grade doesn't seem too different from being an ensign to me.
TENDI: Oh, okay. It's the same, huh? Well, what if I told you we now have access to this?

[Storage room]

RUTHERFORD: The anomaly storage room?
TENDI: Yep! Anything that requires further study or might need to be returned to its previous entity is kept right here.
(Including Nomad from 'The Changeling'. And a ferret.)
RUTHERFORD: That's the hat that turned Billups into a church tower. I wouldn't even authorise myself for this. A lot of it is dangerous.
TENDI: Ah! Don't touch that! Do you want your head to fall off and skitter away?
BOX: Greetings and salutations!
MARINER: Yuck. A Betazoid gift box. These things creep me out.
BOX: That'll be dee dah widdle widdle dee dah.
TENDI: Why?
BOX: This is a message for Rutherford. I don't want to be in this room. I want to live in your quarters.
RUTHERFORD: Oh, er, no, thank you. Is this guy sentient?
TENDI: No, they... they just tend to pick up phrases they overhear.
BOX: Eat a bag of Borg, shitty motherfucker.
TENDI: I didn't know that Doctor T'Ana came in here.
RUTHERFORD: Oh, no way. It's the Wadi Chula game. The one that traps you inside until you solve its annoying challenges.
MARINER: Oh, hell yeah. The one with, like, the pastel triangles and the little girl doing hopscotch, and everybody's like... ♪ Allamalay lemon meringue. ♪
DIRK [OC]: Lieutenants Tendi, Mariner and Rutherford, report to the isolinear chip junction immediately.
TENDI: On the way. Urgh. I thought we had the afternoon to ourselves.
RUTHERFORD: I told you it didn't feel too different from being an ensign.
MARINER: At least this'll be something interesting. No more mindless, repetitive tasks for us.

[Isolinear chip junction]

DIRK: Took you long enough. I need you three to scan each and every one of these isolinear chips by hand.
MARINER: What?! But there are thousands of them.
DIRK: Yeah, and there's a .015% deviation in the fault sensor, which is why it needs to be done by hand.
RUTHERFORD: Can't it just wait until we repair the sensor?
DIRK: Wow. Why didn't I think of that? Oh, right, I did. But the sensor detected a single malfunctioning chip before it went down. You three need to find it.
TENDI: This isn't so bad. Ooo, maybe we can sing a song...
DIRK: Once an hour, the room fills with nitrogen coolant, so keep your breathers handy. The chips can get scalding hot, so watch out for that. Oh, and Billups' ferret got out this morning, so report to him if it bites you.
RUTHERFORD: Lancelot's in here? Ah!
MARINER: Okay, you were right. This is feeling pretty ensign-y.
TENDI: Huh. It doesn't make any sense. This is ensign work. Maybe even cadet. On Orion, older pirates would haze new recruits by making them do worthless tasks, like clean the door panels with their tongues.
MARINER: You think Dirk's hazing us?
RUTHERFORD: What's hazing?
MARINER: It's a prank dressed up as team-building that nobody really likes.
RUTHERFORD: Well, that doesn't sound very Starfleet.
MARINER: Yeah, I got to agree with Ruthie on this one. There is no way senior officers would haze a lieutenant.
TENDI: You're right. They have too much character.
MARINER: What? No, no. They're not cool enough. This is just an annoying job, given to us by an annoying guy.
TENDI: Yeah, I'm probably overreacting.

[Vexilon building]

FREEMAN: Hmm. Well, nothing seems to be wrong with your hardware. Do you mind if I take a look at your terminal?
VEXILON: Of course. Feel free to dig around.
FREEMAN: Ah, I think I see the problem. Your operating system's out of date.
VEXILON: That would explain it. There was that weekend where my designers evolved into fifth-dimensional energy beings and left me on my own. When was my last update?
FREEMAN: Six million and seven years ago.
VEXILON: Ah, that was a good year. Really good harvest season.
FREEMAN: Huh. Hang tight, I'll get you caught up with this update, and it should clear things right up.
C2: Thank you, Captain. You've saved us.
VEXILON: It'll be nice to get back to my old, helpful self af... af... after... after, after, after, after, after, after, after, after...
FREEMAN: Vexilon?
VEXILON: After, after, after, after, after...
RANSOM: Er, Captain? Did that update require a shutdown?
FREEMAN: It wasn't supposed to.
(The clouds freeze and crash to the ground.)

[Power station]

(It is snowing.)
BOIMLER: All right, gang. Just remember, the name of the game is safety.
(A cloud crashes outside.)
BOIMLER: Okay. Also hurry. Safety and speed.
T'LYN: Lieutenant, these power cylinders are extremely volatile. Are you certain speed is necessary?
BOIMLER: Something's going on with the weather, and these guys are pros. They'll be... Taylor, what are you doing?
TAYLOR: Er, reaching for the first clamp?
BOIMLER: Love the initiative, but your angle is all off. I need 90 degrees, not 80. But no worries. I probably did a bad job explaining how deadly these bomb tubes are.
TAYLOR: Okay.
BOIMLER: Stop! Stop! Stop. You know what? Why don't I show you how to do one, then you guys can do the rest.
MEREDITH: But doesn't each one take three people, sir?
BOIMLER: Oh, no, no, no, you don't have to do that whole sir thing with me. I'm chill. Call me Bradward or Boims or something.
MEREDITH: Doesn't this take three people, Bradward?
BOIMLER: Technically, yes, but I think I should show you how to do it right, just on this first one. So you have four subsponders in the corners that interface with the ion generator in the centre, which self-stabilises the reaction. If broken in the wrong order, the container will explode, so you have to be careful as you remove each one... Got it. Then repeat that three times. Then you rotate the old cylinder until you feel the latch disengage, at which point you carefully remove it. Now, it's very important to keep it upright and lift with your knees, not your back, because you really don't want back pain, and that's (runs into the snow) why you put it in the taupe bin, and not the magenta bin. Got it?
MEREDITH: I don't think we did.
MERP: Maybe we could try it?
BOIMLER: Okay, not a big deal. Let me just pop another quick demo for you.
MEREDITH: When are we going to get to do some of the mission?

[Isolinear chip junction]

(Rutherford removes a chip to check, and discovers Lancelot the ferret behind the group.)
RUTHERFORD: Lancelot!
MARINER: Ow! Hot! Ah! How many more of these things are there?
TENDI: Rutherford's got the last couple.
RUTHERFORD: You ever notice that it's always the last chip you test?
MARINER: Just scan it.
RUTHERFORD: No, that's not right.
MARINER: But we tested every chip. Rutherford, make it make sense.
RUTHERFORD: I can't. It has to be this one.
DIRK: How's it going in here, Lieutenants? Wow. You all look beat. Oh, didn't know scanning could be so taxing.
TENDI: Argh!
MARINER: Er sir, look, we've scanned every chip. They're all fine.
DIRK: Hmm. Every chip? Even the second layer?
TENDI: Why didn't you tell us about all these?!
DIRK: I don't know. The hidden button seemed obvious. Anyway, these are twice as hot, so you'll want to use tongs, which makes it twice as hard.
RUTHERFORD: Ah! Lancelot! Leave me alone! I don't have any meat!
DIRK: Billups, I've got eyes on Lancelot.
(Nitrogen alarm sounds.)
TENDI: The hidden button seemed obvious. Oh, this is definitely hazing. So much for character.
RUTHERFORD: Ouch! Yeah, I think you're right. Hey, how'd you deal with this kind of thing back on Orion?
TENDI: Blindfolded sabre fight.
MARINER: Okay, I wanna hear more about that, but I think I have a less stabby solution.

[Vexilon building]

FREEMAN: Okay, okay, no big deal. Just a frozen progress bar and some crazy day-night stuff. Now, I think the ancient manual is saying to press this?
RANSOM: Oh, yeah.
FREEMAN: Ha-ha!
(Big X on the display.)
RANSOM: Oh.
FREEMAN: Oh. Freeman to Billups. Beam down here immediately.
BILLUPS: Sorry, Captain. I'm... I'm having a hard time today. Lancelot got out when I was cleaning his snuggle tower, and I just... Wow! This is a classic setup. Is it a Unotronic? That... that kills in engineering.
FREEMAN: Billups, this isn't the time for your computer comedy.
BILLUPS: And we're sure we want to turn it back on? It's not, like, crushing the will of the locals or anything?
C1: We love Vexilon.
FREEMAN: No. It's a nice one. We're fine.
BILLUPS: Is it safe to jiggle his power source? I mean, you'd be surprised...
FREEMAN: Safe. Excellent thinking, Commander. Ah ha! A lot of these ancient computers had a safe mode for debugging. Now, if I can just activate it... There. That got rid of the stalled update. Yeah.
BILLUPS: Captain, are you sure this is safe mode and not a full reboot?
FREEMAN: Er...
VEXILON: I am Vexilon. Welcome to your new world. I will now re-genesis installation to default settings. Initiating fjords. Distributing miasma. Stirring primordial ooze.

[Power station]

BOIMLER: Doing one more myself should really teach you guys how to do this.
TAYLOR: There's only one left.
MERP: Shouldn't we help? It's getting really crazy out there.
BOIMLER: Just keep doing what you're doing!
MEREDITH: We're not doing anything.
T'LYN: Lieutenant Boimler, your ensigns have a point. Leading by example has proven to be inefficient.
BOIMLER: I only have one left, and we all get out of here alive.
FREEMAN [OC]: Freeman to Lieutenant Boimler.
BOIMLER: Go ahead, Captain.

[Vexilon building]

FREEMAN: Has your team finished the retrofit?
BOIMLER [OC]: We're almost finished here, sir.
FREEMAN: Don't. I need you to put it back the way it was.

[Power station]

BOIMLER: But, Captain, it's getting pretty apocalyptic out here.
FREEMAN [OC]: I know.

[Vexilon building]

FREEMAN: According to this scroll we found in an ancient junk drawer, Vexilon can force a restart if we reroute its primary power to your station.

[Power station]

BOIMLER: But the station's outdated.
FREEMAN [OC]: We have to get this done before the anaerobic bacteria is dispersed.
BOIMLER: No problem. Just gonna quickly undo all the work I just did. Another learning experience for you. Uh oh.
(The ground is rising.)
T'LYN: Fascinating. A mountain or possibly a volcano has appeared. Ah. It is a volcano.

[Dirk's quarters]

RUTHERFORD: Are you sure we shouldn't just ask him to stop hazing us?
TENDI: No, Mariner's right. Hazers only respect hazing.
MARINER: That's why we trap him in the Wadi game, and let him marinate in there for a bit while the Betazoid gift box screams at him.
RUTHERFORD: I guess he'll have to respect us after this. I know I would, and I already did.
TENDI: Quick, let's get out of here.
(Steps over trip wire.)
RUTHERFORD: Whoa.

[Corridor]

DIRK: Oh, hey. Done already?
MARINER: Ha. Totally, my man.
RUTHERFORD: No error'ed chips. All good to go.
DIRK: Oh, thank God. I can't tell you how glad I am to hear that.
TENDI: Oh, really? Why?
DIRK: Those isolinear chips run some of the most important systems on the ship. If one fails, it could be fatal.
MARINER: Yeah, but, not... like, not really?
DIRK: Yes, really. Even one going down could be catastrophic. Thank you so much for taking that on. I really appreciate it.
TENDI: Come on. If it was important, why wouldn't you have done it yourself?
DIRK: I would have. I... Doctor Migleemo says acceptance is the road to healing. How familiar are you with the Wadi Chula game?
RUTHERFORD: We put one in... I... I mean, the what now?
DIRK: It's a game that traps a user in a little fucking dimension until they can complete its challenges. When I was a kid, I got trapped in one for a month. I was... too dumb to work my way out.
TENDI: Oh, no, you weren't dumb.
DIRK: That experience, that torture, coloured my life. I can't go near the anomaly room without having a panic attack because one of those games is on the ship. I should have helped you today, but all those glowing chips... remind me too much of the... Game. Oh, God.
MARINER: Oh, yes. Oh, thank you for sharing so much, and I am glad to be a part of your journey. You know, maybe, oh, would it cheer you up to talk about that music that you like so much?
DIRK: Tellarite slop jazz?
MARINER: Yes! Oh, yes, that's it. Okay, you've rambled about that at length before. Go fix it.
DIRK: Oh, I could go on about slop jazz forever. You know, everybody thinks the slops is about how much spit you can get to drip out of the nozzle...
MARINER: Uh-huh, uh-huh.
DIRK: ..but it's really about the brizzles flarps.
MARINER: Yeah, you know, it sounds wet, and that is what I like. Please continue.

[Power station]

MERP: Sir, please let us help.
BOIMLER: Stay away from the blast zone. Just five or six more trips. Oh. Look out!
(T'Lyn catches a cylinder he drops.)
T'LYN: This is quite enough, Lieutenant. You will allow the ensigns to assist you.
BOIMLER: But I don't er...
MERP: Whoa!
T'LYN: It is admirable that you care for the safety of your team, but danger is an accepted risk of Starfleet duty.
BOIMLER: No, I know. It's not that.
T'LYN: If you have not been acting in their defence, then what has caused your unpredictable behaviour?
BOIMLER: Last week I was an ensign with them, and now, randomly, I'm supposed to tell them what to do? What gives me the right to put my peers in a position where they could die?
T'LYN: Your promotion was not random. I studied your records and mission logs before our departure. The commander was correct to promote you. Your work is exemplary. Look at your team. They deserve your trust, just as Commander Ransom trusted you.
BOIMLER: They could all have greatness in them.
T'LYN: That remains to be seen, but if you do not order them to aid in the unloading of these power cylinders, we will all perish.
BOIMLER: The files really said I'm great?
T'LYN: They thoroughly describe your strengths and shortcomings.
BOIMLER: You're right. I have to let them do their jobs. T'Lyn says I got to put you guys in danger, so let's do this.
T'LYN: That is not how I would have communicated the lesson.
BOIMLER: Everybody up. We've worked together for years. I trust you. Big Merp, you're with me. We're unloading the transport. Taylor and Meredith, claim a terminal and get those power cylinders reattached. Nobody's exploding today.
MEREDITH: On it, sir.
TAYLOR: Yes, sir.

[Dirk's quarters]

(As Tendi scans isolinear chip at warp speed, Rutherford accidentally triggers the Wadi game.)
RUTHERFORD: Aah! Oh, no. Oh.
BOX: Fiddle-de-dah!
RUTHERFORD: No, no, no, no, no!

[Game]

RUTHERFORD: Oh, man, am I in the game?
GIRL: Move along home. Allamaraine, count to four.

[Corridor]

DIRK: But flizz bop is really more of a bastardisation of modal skuzz. Er, this isn't boring, is it?
MARINER: Boring? What? - How could a musical lecture be boring?
DIRK: Okay, so...

[Game]

GIRL: Allamaraine, then three more. Allamaraine, if you can see.
BOX: Faster, motherfucker.
GIRL: Allamaraine, you'll come with me.
RUTHERFORD: Later, little girl.

[Corridor]

DIRK: Best of them was probably Fats B'zirtak, but he overdosed on Ketracel-white.
MARINER: Yeah, that shit will mess you up.

[Game]

WADI: You have progressed to...
RUTHERFORD Yeah, yeah, yeah, shap four. Open the door, come on.
WADI: Oh.

[Isolinear chip junction]

TENDI: Ha! Got your ass!

[Corridor]

DIRK: Which takes us up to 2380.
MARINER: Yeah. Yes.
DIRK: Well, I should probably get back to my room.
MARINER: What?
DIRK: Migleemo's coming over to help me sort through my trust issues.
MARINER: Oh. Wait! Don't you want to list some more stuff at me?
DIRK: We can meet up after. This has been fun.

[Game]

BOX: This looks dangerous. Don't fall, Rutherford.
RUTHERFORD: We got to!
BOX: Whoa! Wha...?!

[Dirk's quarters]

BOX: What? Where am I? Was that an entire simulated life?
RUTHERFORD: Sorry about that.
BOX: I miss my wife.

[Corridor]

MARINER: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Who are your top three sizzle horn players? Stop if you like music!
(Rutherford dismantles the trap.)
MARINER: Dirk, wait! Someone told me there's no difference between slop jazz and skuzz blues!
DIRK: What?! Whoever told you that is a fool. Oh, crap. I forgot. I'm meeting Migleemo in his office. Ha! I had no reason to come back here for hours.

[Power station]

BOIMLER: Where are we at with those cylinders?
MERP: Complete!
TAYLOR: Complete!
MEREDITH: Securing my final clamp!
BOIMLER: Taylor, Merp, assume the rotational stance.
MEREDITH: Ah! I got this.
BOIMLER: Rotate... now! Captain, power's up!

[Vexilon building]

FREEMAN: Keep the engine running while I hack this megastructure.
VEXILON: What happened? Oh no, did I shut down? Oh, I'm a terrible host.
FREEMAN: Vexilon, focus. I need you to stop the planetary re-genesis before we all get killed.
VEXILON: Yes, of course. I'm so sorry. This is so embarrassing. Hey, give me a sec.

[Power station]

BOIMLER: Great work, team. Now let's get on the shuttle before...
TAYLOR: Argh, the turbine's overheating!
BOIMLER: Er, Captain, we've got a problem.
FREEMAN [OC]: We're almost done. I need more time.
BOIMLER: Everyone out of here.
MEREDITH: No! We can help.
T'LYN: Ensign, the lieutenant gave you an order.
(Boilmer is ready to do an emergency shut down.)

[Vexilon building]

FREEMAN: Okay, almost... there. Re-genesis is deactivating. Lieutenant Boimler, shut it down.

[Power station]

BOIMLER: On it, Captain.
(Explosion.)
MEREDITH: Bradward, no!
T'LYN: The lieutenant junior grade first mission mortality rate... appears to be accurate.

[Waiting room]

(There is a koala sitting in a chair.)
BOIMLER: Er... hi?

[Corazonia]

(On an anti-grav gurney.)
BOIMLER: Aah! Get it off! Get it off me!
T'ANA: Holy shit, I can't believe that worked.
BOIMLER: Did we complete the mission?
T'LYN: Yes, you were the only fatality.
BOIMLER: Yup, feels like it.
T'LYN: The captain believes the updated operating system will keep the population safe for over a thousand years. Your mission was a success.
RANSOM: Well done, Mister Boimler. You never forget your first death. Only more and more dangerous missions from here on out.
(Boimler laughs hysterically and passes out.)
T'ANA: Oh, come on, I just revived him. Everybody out! Give me 30cc's of whatever just worked a fucking minute ago.

[Lounge]

TENDI: I am so glad we didn't get Dirk sucked into the game. The guy seems traumatised.
RUTHERFORD: He's working on it, though. Under that grouchy exterior is a guy just trying to find some peace.
MARINER: I wish he could find it without sending me all these jazz albums. I like them, and it's bugging me. I am not a jazz person.
TENDI: Oh, I feel silly, thinking a Starfleet officer would ever haze someone. Hmm. Sorry I ever brought it up.
RUTHERFORD: Next time, we assume the best in people.
TENDI: Hear! Hear!
RANSOM: They bought the Wadi game story, huh?
DIRK: Oh, yeah. Told them I was stuck in there for a month. (to the ferret) Hey, little guy. Go get Rutherford.
RUTHERFORD: Argh! Lancelot!
RANSOM: Oh, new lieutenants give me life.
RUTHERFORD: Good weasel. Nice weasel. Argh! Oh!