[Orion ship]

RISIK: I'm gonna get a big tattoo of a rusty chain, that goes from my leg and wraps around up my neck.
F1: Urgh. You can't just get a tattoo of a chain. You've got to earn it.
RISIK: I will when I take over a ship.
F2: Come on, Risik. We deliver fuel and supplies to real pirates. We're, like, pirate adjacent.
RISIK: Right now I'm just a plunder sorter, but I'm capable of way more.
F1: Sure you are. Trash barrel.
F2: Hey, did you guys see that Maleer got big pieces of metal attached to her head?
F1: No way.
F2: They look awesome. She shaved off her hair and now she has these, like, gnarly bolts sticking out.
RISIK: Whoa! Maybe I'll get some of those, too.
F2: How about you get an original idea for once?
RISIK: I'm stealing. Pirates steal.
F1: Er, I think that makes you more of an Orion plagiarist.
(Red alert.)
F2: Huh?

[Orion bridge]

OFFICER: Hailing frequency's open, Captain.
MALEER: Small vessel, power down your engines and we will board you without violence.
Z'OTO: We have dilithium to deliver. This will put us behind.
MALEER: Oh, hush, Z'oto. Let's have some fun for once. They're right there.
OFFICER: Captain, the vessel's speed is decreasing.
MALEER: See? This'll be a quick pillage.
F1: They're powering weapons!
MALEER: Raise shields!
F1: Power relays are failing!
Z'OTO: Get them back online.
F1: Trying to reroute power.
MALEER: How did they access our system?
(KaBOOM!)

[Cargo bay]

TENDI: And... done! All the diseases blocked by the transporter biofilter after last week's shore leave, have been cataloged. Next up is... Nothing? That can't be right. There's always something to do.
MARINER: Well, one of the great things about being a lieutenant JG is it's actually possible to finish your work.
TENDI: We should do something fun!
T'LYN: Celebrating a lack of purpose is illogical.
MARINER: Hey, Ma. What up?
FREEMAN: I have exciting news for Lieutenant Tendi. You've been granted leave to visit your family on Orion, effective immediately.
TENDI: Oh, wow. My family.
FREEMAN: Apparently, your sister is getting married. Congratulations.
MARINER: Wait. Wedding, sister, parents? Tendi, I... I'm sorry, I'm freaking out. This is more backstory than I have ever been able to get out of you.
TENDI: Oh, that's okay, Captain Freeman. I don't need to go. I mean, there's so much work to catch up on.
FREEMAN: Starfleet is eager to demonstrate goodwill after the recent disappearance of an Orion ship.
TENDI: Oh, right. If it's to help Starfleet, I... I guess I could go.
FREEMAN: Thank you, Lieutenant.
(Leaves.)
MARINER: Hey, you okay, D?
TENDI: Yeah. I... I just haven't been home in so long. Plus, they want me to be in the ceremony, which means writing a speech. Oh, and of course they'll want photos of all of us in our belly dancer outfits.
T'LYN: Hmm. It is rare for outsiders to observe Orion rituals. May I accompany you on this mission? The High Council would find my report enlightening.
TENDI: What? No! I mean, er, it's going to be super unenlightening, actually.
MARINER: Come on, dude, T'Lyn's right. I mean, nobody knows anything about your culture. I have put my foot in my mouth enough when it comes to Orion stuff. We want to learn about the real you.
TENDI: But the real me is just gonna be doing a bunch of boring traditions.
MARINER: Sounds awesome. Plus, I'm sorry, I just... I have to get away from Boims and Rutherford. Ever since they moved in together, they're, like, finishing each other's sentences.
T'LYN: Their emotional closeness is unpleasant.
TENDI: I don't know.
MARINER: Please, let me support my number one Orion amiga.
TENDI: Okay, sure. Why not? Maybe it'll be good for you guys to see what my homeworld is actually like.
MARINER: Hell yeah. Triple threat girls' trip.
T'LYN: I hope we will be allowed to view their aquifers.
MARINER: Ooo, okay. T'Lyn getting rowdy.

[Quarters]

RUTHERFORD: Ooo, love the new bedspread, roomie. Andorian linen?
BOIMLER: You know it, roomie.
BOTH: So breathable.
BOIMLER: It's like grandmama Boimler used to say. A cool duvet keeps the raisin rats away.
RUTHERFORD: Speaking of sleep, is there anything I can do to improve yours? I know sometimes I shift around when I'm engineering in my dreams.
BOIMLER: Your squirming is so gentle, it actually lulls me to sleep faster.
RUTHERFORD: Aw, roomie, your presence comforts me, too.
BOIMLER: I'm so glad we ended up bunking together. Nothing can stop..
BOTH: Brutherford!
(Both reach for the plant mister.)
BOIMLER: Oh.
RUTHERFORD: Whoopsie-doopsie. I was just gonna give our bonsai here a little spritz.
BOIMLER: Er, I was, too. Lil Boney loves a little watery hug in the morning.
RUTHERFORD: I've got an algorithm which tells me exactly how many ounces Lil Boney needs for optimal health.
BOIMLER: Er, yeah, but I've got a green thumb from growing up on a vineyard. You can't trust an algorithm for everything, right?
RUTHERFORD: Give me the mister.
BOIMLER: Nope.
RUTHERFORD: Give it to me.
BOIMLER: No!
RUTHERFORD: Give it to me!
BOIMLER: I said no, Mister Rutherford!

[Chez Tendi]

(Shuttlecraft lands.)
MARINER: Oh, I'm sorry. What? You grew up in a castle, like friggin' Billups?
TENDI: Just a regular old Orion upbringing. No fancy stuff.
SYRAA: Halt!
GUARD 2: Hiyah!
MARINER: Get in the shuttle. I'll hold them off while you guys get airborne.
SYRAA: Greetings, Mistress. May we take your bags?
TENDI: Hi, Syraa. Yes, please.
MARINER: Ooh, I am sorry about that.
TENDI: Ah, I think we can skip the sedan, if that's... Whoop!
(The ladies are carried to the sedan chair.)
MARINER: All right, we're getting lugged by the big boys. Tendi, I'm sorry, are you loaded?
TENDI: Oh, no. We're barely the fifth-largest family in the Syndicate.
T'LYN: Orions downplay their wealth, while simultaneously making a spectacle of it.
TENDI: Ha, ha. I mean, you don't have to put that in your report, do you?
MARINER: Look, I am from a post-scarcity world, and this is still impressive. Look at that big-ass gate!
TENDI: Oh, n... I mean, it's not that big.

[Courtyard]

SHONA: D'Vana, my light in the dark. Welcome home. Mwah. Mwah.
TENDI: Mariner, T'Lyn, meet my parents, the Warrior Queen Shona and B'Rt.
SHONA: So, you do have Starfleet friends. I would say I've heard so much about you, but, well, Orions don't lie.
MARINER:You don't?
B'RT: No, we do all the time. I can't stay silent any longer. D'Vana, D'Erika's been kidnapped.
TENDI: Oh, what? No way. Bridal kidnappings are an Orion rite of passage.
T'LYN: Hmm. Interesting.
TENDI: I'm sure the rival family will make their demands soon enough.
SHONA: Bah. Brides are only abducted after save-the-dates and before the invitations. This is far too late.
TENDI: Mom, you're overreacting.
SHONA: As Prime daughter it's up to you to rescue your sister.
T'LYN: What is a Prime?
MARINER: I don't know, but it sounds cool as hell.
T'LYN: I concur.
SHONA: You've turned your back on our traditions.
TENDI: Oh, so this wasn't an invitation. You just wanted me to rescue D'Erika.
B'RT: Don't be dramatic. Of course it's nice to see you. There's also a box of stuff we want you to get out of the garage.
SHONA: You have to save your sister.
TENDI: Because you love her, or because this wedding's just an excuse to merge our house with another Syndicate family?
B'RT: Obviously both.
TENDI: Urgh! Fine.
SHONA: I knew we could count on you. To the oil baths.
MARINER: Wow, everyone here really loves getting carried around on platters.
TENDI: Who's ready for a very standard, borderline boring Orion rescue mission?
MARINER: Let's do it. And then after, maybe we do those oil baths I keep hearing about.

[Quarters]

BOIMLER: I've never asked you for anything!
RUTHERFORD: never asked you for anything, too.
BOIMLER: Ah! You misted me.
RUTHERFORD: It just went off in my hand.
BOIMLER: Oh, we have the holodeck reserved. How about we go have some fun, and then after, maybe we'll get along better.

[Holodeck - Mississippi steamboat]

BOIMLER: Oh, what in the Sam Hill are you a-wearing? I thought I was supposed to be Twain.
RUTHERFORD: I say you are incorrect, sir. I believe we decided I would be Twain.
BOIMLER: Twin Twains? That dog won't hunt.
BOY: Er, Mister Clemens?
RUTHERFORD: Mmm-hmm. That's me.
BOIMLER: No, I'm Twain. Switch costumes, you ignominious pretender.
RUTHERFORD: You're more stubborn than a Senate mule.
BOIMLER: Grits, grits, grits!
RUTHERFORD: Tarnation!
BOIMLER: Fancy pants, big-city lawyer.
RUTHERFORD: I say you are incorrect, sir.

[City street]

T'LYN: I fail to understand why we must wear this attire when we are clearly not Orions. The material is inefficient.
TENDI: I know the uniform is more comfortable, but Slit Throat has a dress code.
MARINER: You know, got to respect that they didn't even pretend to add a pun in there. It shows strength. I like it.
TENDI: We're just gonna grab some info and be on our way.
MARINER: Sure, but how the hell are we getting in there?
TENDI: Oh... Let us in.
BOUNCER: Get in line. Oh... Oh, Mistress of the Winter Constellations! Oh, I didn't realise! Please don't flay me.
TENDI: Oh, he... he's just kidding. I would never flay.
BOUNCER: I owe you an eternal debt of gratitude. My grandchildren will sing of this day.

[Slit Throat]

MARINER: Tendi. Shame on you for not bringing me here before now. Are we gonna talk about how everyone's in awe of Tendi?
T'LYN: She does command an unexpected gravitas for someone so excitable.
BARKEEP: It's on the house, Mistress. And that is from the Madame.
(A thrown dagger knocks Mariner down.)
TENDI: Mariner!
(Pulls blade from shoulder, puts it in jar with others.)
MARINER: All good. Ah, I love it, actually. All part of the ambience.
MADAME G: Here for payback, D'Vana?
TENDI: I don't know what you're talking about, Madame G. I'm just here looking for my sister.
MADAME G: Urgh. Bridal kidnappings are so gaudy. I thought the Tendis had class.
TENDI: I don't care what you think, just what you know.
MADAME G: I've heard some whispers, but you'll have to earn them.
TENDI: Oh, please, can we not?
(The slaves bring out a game table, and a nasty insect. Downing a drink stops it biting.)
MADAME G: Oh, has Starfleet softened you?
TENDI: Ah. Yes. I love being soft.
MARINER: Tendi, how are you so good at the murder-bug drinking game?
TENDI: I don't know. It's my first time. Guess I'm just a natural.
MADAME G: Nya'al is still in love with D'Erika. Everyone knows it.
TENDI: So you're saying he's to blame?
(Madame G fails to drink in time, Tendi slams a glass over the murder-bug.)
TENDI: Bridenappings are for show. But if it was Nya'al, D'Erika could really be in trouble. Let's get moving.
MADAME G: Ah, let's get brunch while you're in town, girl.
TENDI: Oh, for sure. (sotto) There is no way I'm calling her.

[Holodeck]

RUTHERFORD: And you, sir, are as clever as an alley cat on his tenth life.
BOIMLER: I am but a humble crumb on the biscuit of your wit, sir.
RUTHERFORD: I say, I can't believe two charming devils such as ourselves were ever at odds, my identical friend.
BOIMLER: Yeah. For some reason, when we're both Mark Twain, we seem to be able to really find common ground without any lingering resentment. I mean, er, to paraphrase the old rail-splitter, a house divided in Twain cannot stand.
RUTHERFORD: Okey-dokey. It would be my honour if you would mist the bonsai on odd stardates, my doppleganging devil.
BOIMLER: And you, sir, shall have the evens.
RANSOM [OC]: Lieutenants Boimler and Rutherford, report to the bridge.
RUTHERFORD: I say, we're on the way, sir.
BOIMLER: Computer, arch.
RUTHERFORD: Why are vests so complicated?

[Funicular lift]

(Going down.)
MARINER: So, er, Tendi, would you like to talk about how you totally whupped ass back there?
TENDI: Oh, yeah, sorry about that. High school friendships always age weird, you know? This next place will be way more chill.
T'LYN: Fascinating. Orions attend secondary education.
TENDI: Yeah. I wasn't going to get into Starfleet Academy because I can tie a lot of knots.
T'LYN: How many knots can you tie?
TENDI: Er...
MARINER: Hey, who cares? We've all tied some knots. Knots are fun.

[Dungeon club]

MARINER: Ooh, pretty nice hump dungeon. I think they have one of these in New Seattle.
TENDI: These are pretty common on Orion.
T'LYN: The males appear to be under some sort of chemical manipulation, perhaps controlled by pheromones.
TENDI: Don't log that.
MARINER: Yeah, Tendi's made it clear that Starfleet made those pheromones up. I mean, they had to explain why a captain would get taken out by some Orion showgirls.
CLUBGOER: Oh, yeah, that's the stuff. Blast me with more 'mones.
(Sniffing an armpit.)
MARINER: Huh.
TENDI: Er, technically, I said that not all Orions control men with pheromones. Some of us definitely do, just not me. Nya'al!
NYA'AL: Oh, fuck.
(Runs.)
TENDI: Get back here!
MARINER: Nya'al's got some speed for being a big ol' hunk of ham steak.
T'LYN: He is aesthetically pleasing.
(Nya'al gets caught.)
NYA'AL: Mistress, I swear I know nothing. I'm just a 'monehead. I spend all day and night hopped up on the stink.
TENDI: So what's gonna spill first, your mouth or your guts? Er, I heard that in a holo-movie.
INGREETA: D'Vana? Why are you threatening one of my most obedient boys? Relax, have a drink, get lascivious.
TENDI: I'm not interested in any of the sexy nonsense, Ingreeta. I'm here for D'Erika's ex.
INGREETA: Pity. The D'Vana I know would never turn down a cage shower.
TENDI: Ha. She's kidding. Tell them you're kidding.
INGREETA: It never mattered that she didn't have the pheromones. She didn't need it. Men would simply fall at her feet, stricken.
MARINER: You stricked people?
T'LYN: Are all pheromonal Orions naturally manipulative or is it specific to this woman?
INGREETA: How dare you judge me, Vulcan?
(Ingreeta throws a knife - and Mariner gets stabbed in the shoulder again.)
MARINER: Oh, fuck. What are the odds? Are... are you seeing this?
INGREETA: You can't come into my scentuary and insult me. Prepare to face my thrall. Kill her.
MARINER: Tendi, look out for the hunks!
(Tendi uses a hypospray on them.)
HUNK: Oh, man. Another pheromone dungeon?
INGREETA: Wh-What did you do to him?
TENDI: Just a little compound I mixed up to counteract the effects of the pheromone. Would be a pity if I dispersed the whole bottle in here.
INGREETA: Don't! All I have is my stink. Nya'al, tell her what you know.
NYA'AL: I've been a mess since D'Erika got engaged, but all I did was give myself over to the 'mones. Sometimes I follow her and watch wistfully from a distance. Last time, she was just wandering around the ship graveyard.
TENDI: All right, that makes sense. You're a good guy, Nya'al. You should go home.
NYA'AL: I will.
INGREETA: Stop grovelling. Lick my foot.
NYA'AL: Yes, ma'am.

[Bridge]

RUTHERFORD: Dude, your 'stache.
BOIMLER: Ow.
FREEMAN: With all due respect, Coqqor, you have no claim to this sector. That nebula is ours to scan.
COQQOR [on viewscreen]: No. Your vessel will interfere with our data gathering.
FREEMAN: We can power down systems or share the data.
COQQOR [on viewscreen]: We don't trust Starfleet data. It's too nuanced and thorough.
FREEMAN: I'm sorry, but analysing that nebula, is my mission.
COQQOR [on viewscreen]: Are you willing to die for it?
FREEMAN: If we can't resolve this, the nebula will phase shift and neither of us will get to scan it.
COQQOR [on viewscreen]: Then so it shall be!
FREEMAN: Close channel. This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to scan an oscillating nebula. There has to be something we can do to find common ground without any lingering resentment.
BOIMLER: Er, Captain?
RUTHERFORD: Er, there is one thing.
FREEMAN: What?

[Holodeck]

(Two Samuel Clemens on a riverboat.)
COQQOR: Why am I wearing this itchy hair hat?
FREEMAN: Is this it?
BOIMLER: No. You have to talk to each other.
FREEMAN: Thank you, Captain, for agreeing to do... this.
RUTHERFORD: No, you have to do the accent.
FREEMAN: I say, uh, uh, uh, uh, my... my good creature, er, the moral arc of history is a m... Oh, what the hell am I supposed to say, Lieutenant?
RUTHERFORD: Homespun aphorisms about compromise.
BOIMLER: Okay, uh, maybe you try that in a Southern accent.
COQQOR: I am from South Chalnoth. That was a Southern accent.
(Throws a table, then Shaxs.)
FREEMAN: What the hell made you two think this would work?
RUTHERFORD: We... we were arguing a lot and we both dressed like Mark Twain.
BOIMLER: Something about us talking old-timey helped us figure out who should water our bonsai.
COQQOR: What is bonsai?

[Ship graveyard]

TENDI: Oh, oh, watch out. There's a loose panel over there.
T'LYN: Curious. You seem familiar with this location, yet it appears to be abandoned.
TENDI: D'Erika and I used to sneak away here when we were little. There! That was one of our favourites.

[Wrecked ship]

TENDI: I loved pretending I was off-planet, exploring space. Doing anything other than pirating. Guys, I have to come clean about something. I wasn't just a regular Orion teenager. I was trained to be a Syndicate assassin.
MARINER: Tendi, yeah, we know, girl. You can't just say you're joking around when you kick-flip a knife out of the air.
T'LYN: Your upbringing was quite obvious.
TENDI: I just hate that you guys had to see the real me.
MARINER: Tends, the real you is the one who geeks out about science on the Cerritos.
TENDI: But I'm a Prime, you know? A... a trained assassin. It's... it's the most piratey someone can be.
T'LYN: Incorrect. You are who you choose to be. A Starfleet lieutenant and a loyal friend.
MARINER: Don't worry, we know you're a big nerd and not some hot assassin.
TENDI: Oh, that is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. It's so weird to be here. This is where I told my sister that I was joining Starfleet.
D'ERIKA: More like where you decided to abandon your family.
TENDI: D'Erika?
MARINER: Hey, we did it. Case closed.
TENDI: You kidnapped yourself.
D'ERIKA: Wow, did Starfleet teach you those amazing detective skills?
TENDI: Was this just to get me to show up for the wedding? I would have just come.
D'ERIKA: Classic D'Vana. Always assuming it's about you.
MARINER: Ha, ha. Nope. I'm gonna stand way over here.
T'LYN: Fascinating, Orions primarily resolve disputes through violence.
TENDI: No, no, that is not true. D'Erika, please, can we just talk about this?
D'ERIKA: I'll let my blade do the talking.
(Throws knife, Tendi ducks, it bounces off a stanchion and gets Mariner in the shoulder.)
MARINER: Oh, come on!
TENDI: D'Erika, don't stab my friends!
D'ERIKA: What are you gonna do about it?
TENDI: Teach you how to respect your Prime.

[Quarters]

COQQOR: Yes, yes. Beautiful.
BOIMLER: We love it, too. Super hard to raise.
RUTHERFORD: Yeah, he's basically a son to us. Every day we have to make sure he gets just the right amount of...
(Coqqor eats the bonsai.)
COQQOR: Now I'm thirsty for mist.
(Drinks.)
COQQOR: I'm sated. You may inspect the nebula. But pray I don't change my mind.
FREEMAN: Yes, yes, you are very intimidating.
COQQOR: Thank you.
(Leaves.)
BOTH: Lil Boney.

[Wrecked ship]

(Fighting.)
TENDI: I don't get it. Why do this? Why kidnap yourself?
D'ERIKA: Because I knew it was the only way to get you to come home.
TENDI: You didn't invite me.
D'ERIKA: Oh, would you have even come? You haven't been home once since you left.
TENDI: Yeah, I've kind of been busy.
D'ERIKA: Hiyah! With what? Scanning? Why is Starfleet so obsessed with scanning?
TENDI: To learn stuff!
D'ERIKA: You abandoned me for science.
MARINER: Don't.
D'ERIKA: You were trained from birth to be the Tip of the Moonlit Blade, the greatest duty of the Mistress of the Winter Constellations.
TENDI: I didn't ask for that.
D'ERIKA: Neither did I. You forced this on me without asking. Running to Starfleet was your choice, but it meant all your duties fell on me. I had to train, I had to be the Mistress. I had to drop my whole life to become the new Prime.
TENDI: You're right. I should have talked to you before I left instead of just assuming you'd want to take my place. I'm sorry.
D'ERIKA: Of course I wanted to take your place. But I'm no D'Vana Tendi. Once I'm married, people are going to see that I'm a pale comparison.
TENDI: Are you kidding me? The only reason I felt comfortable leaving was because I knew you would be better at it than me. You just kicked my butt. You're an amazing Prime.
D'ERIKA: I guess I did kick it a little bit.
TENDI: A lot a bit. D'Erika, I always loved science. That was my path. This is yours.
MARINER: Yeah, lady, if you're worried about not being a badass, I have some good news for you.
T'LYN: I, too, was alarmed by your combat abilities.
D'ERIKA: You really think I can do this?
TENDI: You absolutely belong on the Crime Throne.
D'ERIKA: That means a lot. Oh! What time is it?
T'LYN: The bridal procession is scheduled to begin in under two hours.
D'ERIKA: We are never going to make it back in time.
TENDI: I might not be a pirate, but I've rerouted my fair share of EPS conduits. Who wants to hotwire a stolen ship?
T'LYN: I do not.
MARINER: Oh, stop, stop, stop. We're in.

[Spaceship]

D'ERIKA: See? Sometimes being an Orion pirate isn't so bad.
TENDI: Yeah, it does come in handy. I know you're turning in your observations to the High Council, but maybe could you leave off some of the stabbings?
T'LYN: Curious. My report appears to have been damaged. Orion culture will have to remain undocumented.
TENDI: But... why?
T'LYN: A report without the subject'sconsent would be unethical.
(Boom.)
TENDI: Oh, no!
MARINER: I think the plasma manifold just ruptured.
D'ERIKA: We're losing altitude. The goddess chooses our fates now!

[Courtyard]

TENDI: Mom, Dad, found her!
D'ERIKA: Sorry, sorry, had to steal a ship.
SHONA: Oh, my special girls. Accomplices.
(A little later, the groom is brought in.)
MARINER: Ah, he looks radiant.

[Cargo bay]

MARINER: That's when I got stabbed in the shoulder during the daddy-daughter dagger dance.
T'LYN: This is when we encountered a priest with an eight-pack.
TENDI: Ooo, ooo, ooo! And, er, this is when D'Erika swung her husband across the threshold.
BOIMLER: Yeah, well, our bonsai got gobbled up by a Chalnoth.
RUTHERFORD: Yeah, yeah, and the captain forbid us from playing Mark Twain on the holodeck.
TENDI: Are you guys jealous? Oh, it was just a wedding.
BOIMLER: Why would we ever want to go to an awesome pirate wedding on a planet nobody ever gets to see?!
MARINER: Aw, sorry you can't release some of this anger with Mister Clemens.
RUTHERFORD: Shockingly, it's not the universal problem solver we thought it was.
BOIMLER: Yeah, but we've got it covered. Ooo, like today we were arguing about whether to hang an oil painting of the Enterprise-D or watercolour of the Enterprise-D.
TENDI: Well, you guys just talked about your feelings with honesty, right?
RUTHERFORD: Yeah, I guess we could try that.

[Holodeck - 18th century Austria]

BOIMLER: Shall we go with an acrylic of the D, Mozart?
RUTHERFORD: An exceptional compromise, Mozart.
BOIMLER: Then let us tickle the ivories.
RUTHERFORD: Dang. This thing is really hard to play.