[Corridor]

T'LYN [OC]: Outgoing communication. Provisional Lieutenant Junior Grade T'Lyn to Captain Sokel of the VCF Sh'vhal. Due to the recent unprovoked attacks on ships across the quadrant, the USS Cerritos is providing transport to three Betazoid diplomats. These glorified socialites just spent three weeks attending parties on Angel 1 and now intend to, quote, keep the good times rolling as we escort them to Risa. Despite the crew's enthusiasm, I find the Betazoids' exuberance... disruptive.
KATROT: Oh, I love your Starfleet carpeting. It's perfect to pass out on.
FREEMAN: It's an honour escorting you to Risa.
RED: Thank you, Captain, but I can sense that you feel babysitting us isn't your favorite mission.
FREEMAN: Oh no. No, no, no. I'm proud to...
KATROT: Shuttle a bunch of sexy drunks around?
RED: Katrot's just giving you a hard time. We appreciate the lift.
CATHIW: Particularly on a ship with such sturdy officers.
RANSOM: That's what I'm talking about. I get off bridge duty at 1300 hours.
CATHIW: Yuck, never mind. I like it when they're hard to get.
RANSOM: Oh, come on, give me another chance. I can be distant and unavailable.
CATHIW: Prrr. Now, this is a woman who seems withholding.
FREEMAN: Oh, er, well, flattered, but I'm happily married.
CATHIW: Is he on the ship?
FREEMAN: Er...
RED: Cathiw, we've been here for five minutes. Let's maybe check out our rooms before you devour someone.
RANSOM: Whoa. Hello.
CATHIW: I'll devour whoever I want, Dolorex, you sanctimonious buzzkill.
FREEMAN: Not to worry. We've been ordered to make sure you have a good time. Let's top off those whalebones, shall we? Lieutenant?
DOLOREX: Oh, I'll take another yard of anything glowing and green. Thank you.
T'LYN [OC]: My posting here is usually trying, but never more than now. I feel it necessary to relay the severity of my circumstances.

[Sickbay]

FREEMAN: This is sickbay. Hangover cures, prophylactics, well, it's all available right here.
T'ANA: Ah. I didn't realise there was going to be a buffet today.
FREEMAN: Buffet? I wasn't informed of any...
DOLOREX: She's joking. In the ancient past, Caitians used to hunt and eat Betazoids.
FREEMAN: Oh! Well... Doctor T'Ana, these are our guests. Don't you consume anyone.
T'ANA: Oh, don't worry, that was centuries ago. Now we only eat synthetic Betazoid.
BILLUPS: Ow!
KATROT: Enough with the tour already. As this amazing hat I bought from some gal on Angel 1 says, It's Romulan ale o'clock somewhere. You guys have a bar around here?
FREEMAN: Why, yes. Oh, no need for those, Lieutenant. We're already heading for more cocktails.
(T'Ana takes one of the yards of Green.)
T'ANA: Time to get to surgery. Whoa,

[T'Lyn's quarters]

T'LYN: The Betazoids' attitudes have inspired many in the crew to get the party started. Such infectious frivolity would never be tolerated on a Vulcan ship. If reinstated, I will suppress my own chaotic tendencies. It is only logical for my punishment to conclude and that I return to the Sh'vhal.
(Signal blocked.)
MARINER: Hey, T'Lyn, you coming to this Betazoid party? I know you don't drink, but there's gonna be a chocolate fountain if you want to get wild.
T'LYN: I do not understand what you mean, but thank you for the invitation.
MARINE: Oh, yeah, good luck getting a message out right now. We're in full security blackout. No outgoing comms while the 'Zoids are on board.
T'LYN: No communications, and yet alcohol and merrymaking are permitted? Everything about this ship is illogical.
MARINER: Yeah, totally. Well, if you change your mind, we'll be getting champagne-fully buzzed in the bar. Come hang.

[Quarters]

BOIMLER: Manhaver. Federov. Honus. Kayshon. Taylor. Merp. Big Merp. Er... er, starts with an S. Damn it! Sleepy Merp. How could I forget that? I'm such an idiot.
RUTHERFORD: Hey, pal, ease up. That's my friend you're calling an idiot.
BOIMLER: Yeah, well, that's what I am when I can't remember every single crew member's name.
RUTHERFORD: Ooo, you're being pretty hard on yourself, Boims. Why don't you take a break and come to the Betazoid party?
BOIMLER: I can't. I'm a lieutenant junior grade. I can't just go around not knowing everything.
RUTHERFORD: So then you'll have to know this party, or you'll be missing out.
BOIMLER: Nice try, but I'll come if I memorise everyone. Then I'll have earned it.

[Corridor]

RUTHERFORD: Lieutenant Shaxs? I think I have a candidate for... the program.

[T'Lyn's quarters]

T'LYN: It would be illogical to attempt to send this message again. However, it would be logical to inquire when communications will reopen.

[Lounge]

RANSOM: She said I was too into it, and she shrugged me off. It's like, could she not see these gains?
MIGLEEMO: Urgh! I said regurgitated soup, you stupid fucking replicator. This barely even tastes like it's been in my mother's mouth!
RUTHERFORD: Oh, my God, isn't this party the best? I love everyone and everything! Yeah!
TENDI: T'Lyn!
MARINER: Yes, you came! Whoo! This fucking rules. Yes. Holy shit, fuck, yeah. Did you send your message?
T'LYN: No. I am here to ask if there is an estimate to when communications will be back online.
TENDI: You came to talk to me?
T'LYN: If you can resolve my query, then yes.
TENDI: I've dreamed about this moment!
T'LYN: It is not a moment.
TENDI: Usually you're giving me a friendship bracelet or we're getting matching tattoos, but I'm still so happy!
MARINER: Okay, D, calm down. Wait, is everyone getting weird all of a sudden? Why am I yelling?!
T'LYN: This crew is always weird and yelling.
RUTHERFORD: Yeah, baby, 'cause we're number one!
MIGLEEMO: Enjoy hell, replicator.
(Phasers it.)
T'LYN: But perhaps you are correct, there do appear to be more emotional outbursts than I have previously observed.
DOLOREX: Wow, Captain Freeman, I didn't know Starfleet had this kind of party in them.
FREEMAN: We don't. People, you are Starfleet officers. Pull it together and stop embarrassing me in front of the Betazoids. I want them to think we're cool.
RUTHERFORD: This is as controlled as I can get!
BARNES: We can't stop the party now, it's just getting started! I'm gonna drop us out of warp so we don't get to Risa too soon.
FREEMAN: What? No, Ensign Barnes, stop right there!
(T'Lyn neck-pinches Barnes.)
ALL: Boo!
FREEMAN: Hey, just stop that! You can't boo your captain. Good God. Why do I even care? This isn't right. Something must be affecting us.

[Corridor]

BOIMLER: Huh, how have I never been to this part of the ship before? It's so quiet over here.
SHAXS: Easy, baby bear. I just want us isolated from any... interruptions.
BOIMLER: Oh God, what am I gonna learn? Tsunkatse?

[Security room]

HAUBOLD: Worf. Worf, Worf. Torn between worlds. A warrior. No, a farm boy.
SHAXS: Hope you can handle slam poetry, Lieutenant.
HAUBOLD: The son of Mogh, clang goes the bat'leth against the armour of your heart!

[Lounge]

FREEMAN: Why won't anyone listen to me? I'm the captain, damn it!
MARINER: I say we lock all these fools in the brig until they calm the fuck down, including me.
MEN: Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug...
T'LYN: Captain, I believe it is plausible that the heightened emotional state of the crew is being caused by our guests.
FREEMAN: The Betazoids? No way. They're so nice. Dolorex? She said I'm hot.
MARINER: You frigging are. I got a hot mom.
FREEMAN: Oh, thank you, sweetie. I tried something new with my hair.
T'LYN: Zanthi fever is known to infect Betazoids of their age. It causes empathetic abilities to unintentionally broadcast, heightening the emotions of those around them.
MARINER: Wow, okay, yes, that does kind of sound exactly like what's happening.
T'LYN: Perhaps if we opened communications, we could contact a Betazoid doctor.
FREEMAN: We can't risk that. Are you crazy? Sorry, what I mean is, Doctor T'ana will have to handle it herself.
(T'Ana is chasing her own tail.)
T'LYN: I am unsure of her current efficacy.
CATHIW: Well, if it isn't the most eligible captain in Starfleet. Hey, is it just me or is it incredibly horny in here?
FREEMAN: Still married. Would you ladies mind joining me in sickbay? My provisional lieutenant thinks you're telepathically ill.
T'LYN: That is not how I would have stated it, but the captain is accurate.
KATROT [OC]: Telepathically ill? What the hell is she talking about?
CATHIW [OC]: She's on to us. We need to do something.
DOLOREX [OC]: Stand down. Let's see where this leads.
DOLOREX: We'd be happy to move this party to sickbay, as long as we can take our drinks.

[Sickbay]

T'ANA: This morsel... I mean Betazoid... is deliciously pathogen-free.
DOLOREX: Pathogen? What are you scanning for?
FREEMAN: Oh, just standard stuff. Goronian measles, Alterian flaking, Zanthi fever...
BETAZOIDS: Zanthi fever?
FREEMAN: Listen, we're all gals of a certain age here. It's nothing to be embarrassed about.
KATROT: We're not old enough to be affected by Zanthi fever.
CATHIW [OC]: Oh, this is just an excuse to lock us up.
KATROT [OC]: Cathiw's right. Our cover's blown.
DOLOREX [OC]: What is wrong with you two? Get a hold of yourselves. Remember your training.
CATHIW [OC]: You remember yours. We need to act.
T'ANA: Well, that's all of 'em. No Zanthi fever detected.
DOLOREX: Wonderful. What say we get back to the festivities?
FREEMAN: You're not going anywhere.
CATHIW: Darling, what's the matter?
MARINER: Captain, these diplomats are our guests.
FREEMAN: Are you telling me it's just a coincidence that you three showed up right when my crew started losing their minds?
T'LYN: Captain, they scanned clear.
FREEMAN: Well, then they're doing something else.
CATHIW: We are not.
FREEMAN: My crew and I don't just get all emotional for no reason. Something is going on here, and until we figure it out, you three are confined to quarters.
MARINER: Mom, they haven't done anything.
FREEMAN: That's an order! Escort them now!
DOLOREX [OC]: Enough's enough. Drop the cover.
MARINER: Whoa, what the hell?
(They rip off their long skirts and the lipsticks turn into electric batons. Fight.)
DOLOREX: Sorry, Captain, but the party's over. You're coming with us.
FREEMAN: I knew it. See? See? You are up to something! I'm good at my job!

[Security room]

(Kashon is doing charades.)
SHAXS: Er, you're hungry? You're trying to hold a little bird.
HAUBOLD: Er, shrinking. Ooo, someone who shrinks.
SHAXS: Bucket? Swimming in a bucket!
BOIMLER: It's Constable Odo from Deep Space 9.
KASHON: Sokath, his eyes open.
ALL: All right!
SHAXS: What's wrong, Lieutenant? You're crushing Starfleet Security Officer Charades.
BOIMLER: I don't know, I guess I was hoping I'd be training to kick butt, not playing games or listening to Worf poems.
SHAXS: Haubold's poem has come a long way in workshop, and training takes different forms.
BOIMLER: Wait, is this a... test? Ah! It is, isn't it?
SHAXS: Well...
BOIMLER: Ki-ai! I got you.
SHAXS: Okay, you got me. Er, good work.
BOIMLER: Ah, I knew it.
SHAXS: Now that you have passed the test, it's time for... the ritual. Two sacred security officer challenges are contained within. You must choose one to complete.
(100 piece jigsaw and...)
BOIMLER: Ah, a puzzle and some tarot cards. What kind of choice is that?
SHAXS: He chose both!

[Turbolift]

KATROT: Don't get any ideas, Captain. We're officers of the BIA.
FREEMAN: Betazed Intelligence? But we offered to help you.
KATROT: Yeah, and then you tried to lock us up.

[Bridge]

(Freeman disarms Katrot.)
FREEMAN: Bridge crew! Take them down!
(One-sided fight.)
DOLOREX: Oh, I sense that you both are deeply attracted to each other.
MAN: What? I, er...
WOMAN: I mean...
MAN: Unless...
WOMAN: I wouldn't be averse to...
FREEMAN: Look out!
(Both zapped from behind.)
KATROT: I told you not to try anything.
FREEMAN: Betazed is in the Federation. We're allies. Why are you doing this?
DOLOREX: You're the one trying to frame us for amplifying the crew's emotions.
FREEMAN: You are amplifying our emotions!
CATHIW: No, we aren't. Our emotions are all over the place, too. Why do you think I want to kiss Katrot?
FREEMAN: You have to be manipulating us. It's the only explanation.
KATROT: Why would we? We're on a multi-planet mission to telepathically look for clues that can explain the attacks in the quadrant. God, I need a drink!
DOLOREX: Katrot, be silent. Our cover's blown. We have to take the Cerritos back to Betazed so we can sort this out as soon as possible.
FREEMAN: That route take us through the Neutral Zone. The Romulans will destroy us.
DOLOREX: Well, you should've thought of that before you tried to take us prisoner.
FREEMAN: Oh, you won't get away with this. My crew will realise something's off any second now.

[Lounge]

(Tendi climbing a pyramid of almost-naked men...)
CROWD: Go, go, go, go, go, go...
TENDI: Almost... there.
(Pyramid collapses.)

[Sickbay]

(T'Ana rips through their bonds.)
T'ANA: All right, time to shred those party girls into brisket.
MARINER: Hey, Doc, wait. We should stick together.
T'ANA: Mama's eating good tonight!
MARINER: We got to stop her. She took an oath not to consume patients.
T'LYN: The doctor's tricorder is still scanning.
MARINER: Wait, wait, wait. That can't be right. According to this, the source of all this psychic disturbance...
T'LYN: Is me.
MARINER: How can you be the source? Vulcans can't get Zanthi fever.
T'LYN: No, but we do have similar conditions. Bendii syndrome, for instance, creates involuntary telepathic projections. But it is mostly observed in the elderly, while I am only 62 years of age.
MARINER: Yeah, but you could be hav... also, 62, you look great, by the way... you could be having a quarter-life crisis. You know, when Boimler turned 25, he got so worked up he grew a mustache. It was sad and hilarious.
T'LYN: Vulcans do not get worked up.
MARINER: We'll have to figure it out later. I have to rescue my mommy.

[Bridge]

CATHIW: We'll be in the Neutral Zone in five minutes, Dolorex.
DOLOREX: Yep, no need to update me with every tiny detail, Cathiw.
FREEMAN: No! You can't let the Romulans take me! They'll torture out all my intel.
DOLOREX: What intel?
FREEMAN: Oh, er, I mean... Nothing. I'm just being emotional. Please don't read my mind.
DOLOREX: Apologies, Captain, but you give me no choice.
CATHIW [memory]: I'll devour whoever I want, Dolorex, you sanctimonious buzzkill.
DOLOREX: No. I am not a sanctimonious buzzkill.
DOLOREX [OC]: Someone has to keep you two from screwing everything up.
KATROT [OC]: What? Where did that come from?
DOLOREX [OC]: I just read her mind and heard you throwing shade.
CATHIW [OC]: Sometimes you are a buzzkill.
DOLOREX [OC]: Name one time.
CATHIW: You don't have to read my mind. You know what I'm talking about. Ask Katrot.
KATROT: Oh, leave me out of it.

[Security room]

SHAXS: Oh, ho, ho. The invasion card. Now, I know it sounds bad, but it's really more of a rebirth.
BOIMLER: Wow, no way, another rebirth. Every card's a rebirth. Wish I'd draw a card that made me kick some ass.
SHAXS: There's more to being on the security team than kicking ass.
BOIMLER: Well, it seems like there's nothing to being on the security team. Where's the toughness? Where's the grit? I guess in the California class, all you guys do is play games.

[Bridge]

KATROT: I do not have a drinking problem. It's just part of my undercover character.
DOLOREX: Then you must be undercover all the time.
(Freeman sets off the red alert.)

[Security room]

BOIMLER: I just want to see some action! Whoa, whoa, wait, red alert? Whoa. Guys, is this action? Phasers? Big phasers? Wait, guys, hold up. Guys, slow down. Guys, wait for me.

[Corridor]

RUTHERFORD: What's going on? Are we gonna die?
MARINER: Those Betazoids kidnapped the captain!
TENDI: So they were the source of our emotional overload!
T'LYN: Negative. We believe that effect is caused by proximity to me.
TENDI: T'Lyn, how could you? You're my best friend.
T'LYN: Incorrect. You're still being influenced.
TENDI: No, I am not.
RUTHERFORD: Hey, don't be mean to Tendi.
MARINER: Er, time to go.
TENDI: Get her! Make her be my friend!

[Room]

(Mariner shorts the door controls with her elbow.)
MARINER: Great work, you really Vulcaned it up out there. Now we're stuck in a stupid closet with no way to help. I wish I could roundhouse kick this situation in the face, but I can't. It is one of those rare types of problems that can't be kicked. What are you doing? Don't touch me. Are you mind-melding me?
T'LYN: No, I am attempting to regulate your emotions, as I am the cause of their imbalance.
MARINER: Ooo, being balanced feels pretty good.
T'LYN: The crew's chaos is my fault, though I fear it is because I am not Vulcan enough. A true Vulcan would never allow their emotions to get the better of them in such a manner.
MARINER: Wow, I don't think I've ever seen you get this close to... expressing sadness. What's going on?
T'LYN: I have been frustrated with my inability to send a message to the captain of my previous ship. I have been preoccupied by it all day.
MARINER: That's it? You're bummed you couldn't send a message?
T'LYN: I did not come to the Cerritos voluntarily. I was banished for being insubordinate, unhinged and recklessly emotional.
MARINER: What? No way. Come on, you?
T'LYN: During our encounter with the Klingon and Pakled ship, I saved my crew by following my instincts. My captain determined that I was damaged and illogical. He was right. Something about me is... wrong. I am not truly Vulcan. Today has proven that again.

[Corridor]

(T'Ana is scratching at the turbolift door.)
T'ANA Oh, oh, food. I... I can smell it.
SHAXS: Honey, maybe let's just do one of Doctor Migleemo's focus exercises we've been working on.
T'ANA: I hate those fucking things.
KASHON: Karno, when his mind was fogged?
HAUBOLD: I don't know. But we don't have time for this.

[Room]

(The angry crowd are beating on the door.)
MARINER: T'Lyn, I hate to say it, but your previous crew were a bunch of fucking idiots. You're one of the most brutally efficient, distant people I have ever met.
T'LYN: Really?
MARINER: What was your captain's name?
T'LYN: Sokel.
MARINER: Man, fuck Captain Sokel. What, so you saved their lives, so he kicks you off the ship? Where's the logic in that, huh?
T'LYN: It does seem like a disproportionate response to a minor character flaw.
MARINER: There is no character flaw. Can you imagine anything more Vulcan than Bendii syndrome? Hello? I mean, Spock's dad had it and he was Vulcan as a motherfucker.
T'LYN: Hmm. I suppose, by the transitive property, I too must be Vulcan as a motherfucker.
MARINER: Fuck yeah. Logic, bitch.
T'LYN: Thank you, Mariner. I believe I needed to hear that.
MARINER: Turns out talking through our problems is better than hardening them into a dark little core in our... Wait, something's happening. I'm starting to feel normal.
T'LYN: The telepathic symptoms must have tied to my unresolved conflict. My area of effect has dissipated.
MARINER: Damn, Vulcan brains are scary strong, huh?
T'LYN: Indeed.
(The door gives way.)
RUTHERFORD: Wow, er... Why'd we bust down your door?
TENDI: Hi, guys. What's up?
T'LYN: What is up is that I am no longer broadcasting emotional turmoil. The crew should be coming to their senses.

[Turbolift]

BOIMLER: Er, is Doctor T'ana gonna be okay?
SHAXS: Ah, the warm milk we gave her should calm her down. Now, get ready to...

[Bridge]

SHAXS: ..resist occupation!
(The security team defeat the Betazoids.)
DOLOREX: Oh, I can't read you. How are your thoughts so relaxed?
HAUBOLD: Slam poetry, where the soul... meets the mind.
SHAXS: Captain!
(Freeman turns the ship around at the edge of the Neutral Zone.)

[Romulan ship]

CREW: Aw.
COMMANDER: Okay, enough. Yeah, they didn't enter the Neutral Zone. What did you expect? Set a course for Sector 87. We'll lurk over there.

[Corridor]

BOIMLER: And then Haubold was like, wham! What a badass. Oh, I can't believe I was such a jerk today. I never should have doubted you guys.
SHAXS: Don't be so hard on yourself. Mister Rutherford told me you've been putting yourself under a lot of pressure, so the team and I tried to give you a day off.
BOIMLER: Wow, that's really nice. But why?
SHAXS: Because we're in charge of protecting the crew. Sometimes that means grappling with enemy invaders, other times it means protecting your emotional well-being. Either way, security has your back.
BOIMLER: Wow, I didn't know you had such a... holistic view of the job.
SHAXS: What did you think? We just sat around all day, practicing phasering people? Where's the help in that? Let's get back to the training room. I think we both need some puzzle time.
BOIMLER: I call dibs on the Malcolm Reed.
SHAXS: Well, only if you get there first.

[Transporter room]

DOLOREX: Again, we sincerely apologise for our behaviour.
FREEMAN: Oh, no apologies necessary. I'm sorry I mistook Vulcan telepathic projection for Betazoid telepathic projection. I feel like such an idiot.
KATROT: Hey, if we couldn't detect it, no one could. Let us know if your lieutenant needs any help. We've all been there.
DOLOREX: Oh, and Captain, a parting gift to make up for today's unpleasantness. A Betazoid monitoring station caught a glimpse of the vessel we believe is behind the attacks.
FREEMAN: I've never seen a starship like this before.
DOLOREX: Neither have we. Until next time, Captain.

[Lounge]

MARINER: Piña colada for me, and a room-temperature water for you. Yes, I know it's your favourite cocktail, but don't get all emotional about it.
T'LYN: Am I expressing emotion? Oh, you were joking.
MARINER: Yeah.
T'LYN: Am I to understand that you mock your friends more than your enemies?
MARINER: Oh, yeah, yeah. It comes from a place of love. Well, comms must be back up. Boimler's sending me selfies. Oh hey, you can send your message.
T'LYN: I have decided to continue my time here on the Cerritos to study your chaotic ways.
MARINER: Happy to have you, pal.
TENDI: Oh wait, are we hugging? Let me in the booth!
T'LYN: I allowed a single embrace.
TENDI: Aw, man, you guys got to warn me. I missed it. Ooo, maybe all three of us could go to the pottery shop and throw some clay?
T'LYN: I have no interest in that activity.
TENDI: What do you like to do? Please tell me. Please, I'll do anything!