[Ferengi ship]

JEEF: Cardassian disruptor, Klingon disruptor, Romulan disruptor. Why are we throwing out so many disruptors?
OFFICER: Orders from the Grand Nagus. No more arms sales. We're going straight.
JEEF: But these are worth a fortune.
OFFICER: Rom doesn't care. He says equality and hospitality are more profitable in the long run.
JEEF: I want to be rich now. What even is this thing?
OFFICER: Careful! That's a Genesis Device!
JEEF: No, it isn't. It's too small.
OFFICER: It's an updated portable version. These are used to terraform planets. You could have rearranged our molecules.
JEEF: We should rearrange the captain's molecules for leaving so much latinum on the table. We could buy a ship with this. Maybe even a fleet.
OFFICER: Gem doesn't care. He thinks Rom is the next Lonz. We're under attack!
JEEF: Right on time.

[Ferengi bridge]

GEM: Move us away from that Full impulse.
FERENGI: But, Captain, they could be looking to trade.
GEM: It's always good business to know about new customers before they walk in your door.
FERENGI: Ah, ah. Rule of acquisition 62. The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
JEEF: Come on, get on with it.
GEM: Jeef, you're up to something. I can smell it.
JEEF: I don't know what you're talking about.
GEM: You're only here as a favour to my cousin. I never trusted you. Throw him out the airlock!
JEEF: They told me we would make a profit.
GEM: I knew it!
OFFICER: They're firing at us!
(KaBOOM.) Captain's log, stardate 58901.5. The Cerritos has travelled to Ferenginar. The Ferengi leadership is submitting a formal application to begin the process of joining the Federation, an alliance that could benefit the entire quadrant. This may just be a first step, but it's still a historic occasion.

[USS Toronto conference room]

VASSERY: I hope you've been practicing your notarising. You are about to witness the quickest signing in Starfleet history.
FREEMAN: These are the Ferengi, Admiral. I think we should be prepared for...
VASSERY: A cakewalk? We're not dealing with the old Ferenginar any more. Rom and Leeta have brought so much progressive change, it makes Moab IV inside the dome look like Moab IV outside the dome. Well, you'd get it if you'd ever been to Moab IV.
FREEMAN: Respectfully, sir, the tenth rule of acquisition...
VASSERY: Whoever's been attacking ships across the quadrant has disrupted their trade routes. Rom is desperatefor Federation resources. This is just an application. We'll be in and out in no time.
AIDE: Announcing Grand Nagus Rom and First Clerk Leeta.
VASSEY: Welcome, Grand Nagus. I am honored to have you aboard the Toronto.
ROM: The pleasure is ours, Admiral. We offer you this ceremonial bust of good fortune.
VASSERY: Oh, thank you. The likeness is quite flattering.
LEETA: We also offer you the ceremonial invoice for the bust of good fortune.
VASSERY: How much is...? Oh, my.
LEETA: In the spirit of unity, we gave you the friends and family discount.
VASSERY: Er, did you bring any latinum?

[Repair shop]

(Under a battered shuttlecraft.)
RUTHERFORD: See here on the stabilisers? I was thinking if we repositioned the...
TENDI: Matrix?
RUTHERFORD: We could...
TENDI: Beef up the dampeners?
RUTHERFORD: And...
TENDI: Get a .005% smoother ride.
RUTHERFORD: I was gonna say win engineering's "most beefed-up dampener" competition, but, yeah, that, too.
BOIMLER: Mariner, geez. You've been weathering that stem bolt for so long, it probably can't even self-seal any more. What's up?
MARINER: Nothing. I'm doing great. Ransom is supportive of everything I want to do. For the first time in years, I have total autonomy and zero complaints.
BOIMLER: So, why are you sitting here looking pissed off?
MARINER: Stop staring at me and shut up.
RANSOM: Lieutenant junior grades. Lieutenant juniors grade? Lieutenants junior grade? Whatever. You four just pulled the most coveted job at Starfleet.
RUTHERFORD + TENDI: Balancing the positron compression chamber?
RANSOM: No. Travel guide duty!
MARINER: I thought that was a myth.
TENDI: What's travel guide duty?
RANSOM: Starfleet has travel guides for all habitable planets. The file for Ferenginar hasn't been updated in years, so...
MARINER: Starfleet's gonna foot the bill for us to go to as many bars, restaurants, bars, hotels, pubs, bars, saloons, cantinas and bars as we want.
RANSOM: Also museums, historical sites, but, basically, yeah, it's mostly bars.
BOIMLER: Oh. How many places do people usually review?
RANSOM: I don't know. Four or five?
BOIMLER: Great. I'm gonna do forty. I'll pack my schedule so full that I do everything and enjoy nothing.
RANSOM: It's not a contest, Lieutenant. You can take your...
BOIMLER: Sir, I'm only a lieutenant junior grade. I have everything to prove. I need to make an itinerary!
RANSOM: Does he drink a lot of coffee?
MARINER: Oh, yeah.
TENDI: Tons.
RANSOM: We also need someone to act as a couple. And since the Cerritos is statistically the horniest and least romantically committed crew in Starfleet, we have no married officers aboard.
RUTHERFORD: You want us to pretend to be married and review stuff? Oh, that sounds hilarious.
TENDI: Yeah, we're already such a good team, we finish each other's...
RUTHERFORD: Diophantine equations.
RUTHERFORD: Maybe I should have Honus and Nurse Westlake take a crack at it.
TENDI: Commander, we are an expert science team. I'm pretty sure we can handle a fake romance.
RUTHERFORD: Let's go get packed, honey.
MARINER: You pulled some strings to get us assigned to travel guide duty, didn't you?
RANSOM: I might have had something to do with it.
MARINER: Urgh, why is it so weird when you're nice?
RANSOM: Because I'm also so handsome. Total package.

[Shuttlecraft landing pad]

RUTHERFORD: Wow.
TENDI: Wow. Oh, it's like what heaven would look like if God was stupid.
BOIMLER: Oh, I'm just so excited to haggle at the Museum of Gambling. Oh, and gamble at the Museum of Haggling!
RUTHERFORD: Let's go find the honeymoon suite, pudding bear.
TENDI: Right this way, muffin skunk.
MARINER: Excellent cutesy speak. Yeah, just nice and natural and definitely the way people talk. Now, if you'll excuse me, I promised a friend I'd meet up with him.
BOIMLER: And I have to squeeze an unforgiving amount of experiences into my day.
TENDI: We sound natural, right?
RUTHERFORD: Totally. We got married at a wedding.

[Lobes Lodge]

RUTHERFORD: This way, my sweet wife. I'm so excited to wake you up from a deep sleep whenever it sounds like you're having a nightmare.
TENDI: And I'm excited to know how you like your hamburgers so I can order them for you and ask the waiter to take it back when they've made it wrong.
RUTHERFORD: I'm not gonna feel weird about using your toothbrush because our gums are in a partnership.
TENDI: Yeah, and I'm gonna wear your gym shorts around our shared quarters with nothing up top because who cares about nudity with our situation?
RUTHERFORD: You... you are?
TENDI: Sure. I, er... I love being married to my husband.
RUTHERFORD: I love you too.
TEDNI: You know what, maybe we should just go back to the ship.
RUTHERFORD: Yeah, pretending to be married is kind of weird. Let's...
RECEPTIONIST: Ah! Our Starfleet VIPs. Attention, everyone. These young lovers are getting a great deal.

[Boimler's room]

BOIMLER: All right. Dropping bags off in hotel room is off the list. We got the for-profit minibar, the for-profit toilet, the machine that charges you to pay for the toilet and the minibar. Viewscreen works. That's everything. I give this hotel a nine out of ten. Now, off to the Museum of Bribery. Oh, weird. A what-you-call-it... a "commer-seal"?
AD WOMAN: Ooh.
AD MAN: Aah!
(Drinks Slug-O Cola, lobes expand. Woman kicks out boyfriend.)
AD WOMAN: You're fired.
VOICEOVER: Slug-O Cola. This happens to everyone who drinks it.
BOIMLER: They just lie to you? Hilarious. Well, time to head out.
BOIMLER: Huh? Mmm. This is like a holo-novel, but way sleazier.
POG or DAR [OC]: You're making my partner mad. Just sign the lease, dirtbag.
TENANT [OC]: No.

[Bar]

MARINER: Hey, Quimp.
QUIMP: Well, if it isn't my favorite pathetic human. Is that a new pip I see?
MARINER: Er, yep. I'm an LJG again, for now.
QUIMP: Congratulations. I never thought you'd dig your way out of crashing that Oberth.
MARINER: Ditto. Still, being a lieutenant kind of sucks. My stupid mentor won't stop trying to make feel like a valued part of the team.
QUIMP: Oh, sounds like a real nightmare.
MARINER: You would hate it, too. But whatever. You know, I'm excited to leave all that behind so we can hang.
QUIMP: Read my mind. Hey, maybe some brunch? Casual meal with some yogurt...
MARINER: Two shots of Cardassian tequila and a Dagger of the Mind on the rocks.
QUIMP: Ha! I'll have the same. It'll be fun to let loose.
MARINER: Ah, yeah. I need it.
QUIMP: Where'd you even get that one? He didn't bring the drinks yet.
MARINER: Do we care?
(Throws shot glass away.)
CUSTOMER [OC]: Hey!

[Conference room]

VASSERY: Now, Mister Grand Nagus...
ROM: Just Nagus.
VASSERY: Sorry. Nagus.
ROM: Grand Nagus.
VASSERY: Now that we have paid our ceremonial invoice, perhaps we should focus on the application? It's a boilerplate...
ROM: Ooo! Do you still play baseball? We should put in there that Ferenginar gets to play baseball. I like baseball. It's fun.
VASSERY: I think we can slip that in, if that's the type of adjustment you need to get this done.
ROM: I'm just a former bartender, but I was looking at the numbers and was wondering if they could be... different.
VASSERY: Different numbers? I'm not sure what you mean.
LEETA: Just a moment, my love.
ROM: Oh... Baseball.
LEETA: Listen, my husband isn't exactly a shrewd businessman. He just likes to feel involved.
VASSERY: Ah, I think I see what you mean.
ROM: Play ball!
FREEMAN: Admiral, a word, please?
VASSERY: Stand down, Captain. You were saying, First Clerk?
LEETA: If we can open up the document and let him shuffle around a couple of numbers, he'll feel like he accomplished something.
VASSERY: I don't see any problem with that.
FREEMAN: Ahem. This is a classic dumb cop/reasonable cop routine. The terms of the membership application are locked, but if we open them up...
VASSERY: Thank you for the input, Captain, but we'll be fine. He's practically a child.
ROM: One, two, three strikes. You're out.
VASSERY: Grand Nagus, I've just reopened the contract. Why don't you show me some of the numbers that seem wrong, and we'll fix them together?
LEETA: We'll start on page 11, subsection B. Incentivisation vis-à-vis the great Ferengi people and our reluctant acceptance of your Federation.
ROM: She means bribes.
LEETA: Then we'll move to the tariffs on Ferengi exports to outlying territories.

[Boimler's room]

POG or DAR: Freeze! You're under arrest for having a pet over 25 pounds in one of my units.
TENANT: He was 20 pounds when I got him, I swear...
(Shootout.)
POG or DAR: You just surrendered your deposit, and your life.
DAR or POG: I'm not gonna make it, partner.
POG or DAR: Hey, you hang on one second, buddy. I just need to enjoy the crisp, refreshing taste of a Slug-O Cola.
BOIMLER: Ha, ha! Oh, they put commercials in the shows? It's like mind control.
POG or DAR: Transfer your latinum to me, or I'll tell everyone you supported tenants' rights.
DAR or POG: I'm proud to be scammed by a landlord cop as conniving as you, partner.
(The End?)
BOIMLER: Okay, I guess I should finally do my...
VOICEOVER: Up next... Will They, Won't They? The workplace sitcom where everyone is secretly in love with each other.
BOIMLER: I'm sorry, what?
M1: Oh, Blongo, I don't know what to do. I'm secretly in love with Nilm, but she's engaged to Bok, who's always extremely...
BOIMLER: This kind of hacky, lowest-common-denominator schlock won't work on me.
M1: ..her flirtations with Kret.
BOIMLER: But I better watch so officers who aren't as resilient as I am will know what to avoid.
BLONGO: But you should go for it. Even though I'm secretly in love with you.

[Honeymoon suite]

TENDI: Whew! I'm so grateful everything is shaped like a heart, or else I'd forget that I'm here for romantic reasons.
RUTHERFORD: Yeah, it's like, who decided that hearts are the universal symbol for love? If anything, it should be kissy lips or gorgeous green eyes. Or something.
TENDI: What?
PARTH: Knock-knock! It's me, Parth, your hug-cierge. It's time for your couple's photo session.
BOTHER: Our what?
PARTH: Put on these outfits.
TENDI: Okay.
RUTHERFORD: I'm almost ready.
TENDI: Me, too.
RUTHERFORD: Mmm... Er...
TENDI: Ah! Wow. You look so handsome.
RUTHERFORD: Thanks. And you look, er... captivating? Sorry, I'm trying to make my mind come up with a less intense word, but hoo-boy, is it extremely warm in here?
PARTH: You bet it is, soldier. Now, let's commemorate your love! Ooo, shameless. Really press yourselves together. Publicly display that affection.
RUTHERFORD: I think that's enough.
PARTH: No problem. We'll move on to the lingerie.
BOTH: Argh!
TENDI: Sorry, can't! Late for dinner.

[Library]

CROWD: Dabo!
MARINER: Damn, Quimp, I got to admit... at first I was skeptical, but Ferengi public libraries go hard.
QUIMP: I told you, nobody's read a book in here in a thousand years.
MARINER: Wow.
QUIMP: You can still drink an alarming amount of glowing alien liquors, but I must call it.
MARINER: No, you can't take off now. We haven't even gotten to the part of the night where we regret stuff.
QUIMP: Yeah, that sounds fun.
(Another customer spills a drink on Quimp.)
BIKER: Oh! Oh, my goodness. A thousand apologies, good sir.
QUIMP: Oh, not a worry at all.
MARINER: Did you just spill a drink on my friend?
BIKER: I've been a proper fool. And, of course, I'll reimburse...
MARINER: You better get ready to reimburse me for a new 'burse shirt, too, butt-ass, 'cause this one's about to be soaked in your blood.
BIKER: Madam, please. I'm just trying to enjoy an evening out with the rest of my biker gang.
MARINER: Sounds like this guy's all bark and no fight!
(So she starts one.)
QUIMP: Oh, Mariner. Ow!

[Conference room]

VASSERY: So we'll adjust the table on page 17 concerning exchange rates.
LEETA: That would be satisfactory. I believe we're almost wrapped up.
ROM: Ooo, I have an idea. Let's finish at my palace. Much better photo op for the signing, plus all my favourite baseballs are there.
VASSERY: Oh, yeah, yeah, if that's what it takes, fine.
FREEMAN: He's making you feel like you're close, then delaying to make you frustrated enough to sign anything.
VASSERY: I can't tell the Council we failed at the simplest of tasks. All Rom cares about is baseball, and all Leeta cares about is fine print. I... I can do this.

[Quark's Federation Experience Bar & Grill]

RUTHERFORD: The Starfleet Experience Bar & Grill? Huh. Maybe this will feel like we're at work.
TENDI: Oh, look! The waiter's wearing one of those old velour uniforms that used to catch fire all the time.
RUTHERFORD: Oh, good eye, muffin... top.
TENDI: Do you think maybe we could... I don't know... just go back to acting like friends for a bit?
RUTHERFORD: Yes. Oh, man, I'm so glad you said something.
TENDI: Yeah. Who knew pretending to be in a relationship with each other would be more nerve-racking than sealing a radiation leak?
RUTHERFORD: Yeah, let's just keep it strictly friend stuff from now on.
TENDI: Agreed.
PARTH: Hello, lovers.
TENDI: Argh!
PARTH: I'm so sorry. The waiter gave you the standard menus.
(Throws them.)
CUSTOMER [OC]: Hey!
PARTH: He didn't know you were here for our deluxe romance package.
RUTHERFORD: Parth, buddy, you're a top-notch hug-cierge, but we have to come clean.
(An alarm sounds and another table goes under a spotlight.)
PARTH: Just a second. Hold that thought. Well, well, well. It looks like we've caught two people lying about being a coupleto defraud our company out of a discount. This is, of course, one of Ferenginar's worst felonies, so these two are hereby sentenced to a lifetime working in the subaquatic sulphur mines! Sorry about that. Enforcing the law is my least favourite part of the job, but one that I take with deadly seriousness. Anyhoo, what were you admitting before I sentenced those two liars to a life of misery?
TENDI: That we are more in love than ever before!
RUTHERFORD: That's right, smumpy.
PARTH: Oh, good. Now for the most romantic meal possible.
RUTHERFORD: Sexy chocolate statues of each other for dinner? Great.
PARTH: It's customary that after every bite you tell the whole restaurant something you find attractive about each other. The chairs can detect if you're lying, so be sincere.
(The table rises on a platform while everyone cheers.)

[Walkway]

MARINER: Oh, thanks for bailing me out of jail.
QUIMP: Do you understand how many people I just had to bribe to keep your little drunken fistfight from ruining Starfleet's diplomatic mission?
MARINER: Hey, you know me, man. I'm a wild rogue, living on the edge of chaos. I sit weird in chairs. You can't predict me.
QUIMP: Usually your chaos means something. But it's weird this time. You seem angry about nothing.
MARINER: Yeah, right. Oh, look, if anyone's weird, it's you, Mister I Should Probably Be Getting to Bed. You've changed, dude.
QUIMP: Yeah, I have. That's what happens when you're not stuck in a perpetual state of immature rebellion.
MARINER: Wow. Immature?
QUIMP: You have all the support you ever wanted, nobody to scream at or rail against, and look at you... still picking fights to make sure you get hurt.
MARINER: What? No. That-That's not what that was.
QUIMP: I just want you to be careful. So you can live long enough to pay me back. If I lose any more, they'll have to put my account on this monument.
MARINER: Er, isn't this a memorial to the dead?
MOURNER: So much lost income! Is there no justice in this galaxy?
MARINER: Man, I got to give it to you, Ferengi keep it on-brand. Sorry I cost you money, and, got you punched.
QUIMP: Mariner, I love you, but, you need to figure out whatever's eating you up inside.

[Quark's Federation Experience Bar & Grill]

RUTHERFORD: Er... Oh, Tendi's got... fun hair?
TENDI: Er, er, I like your hair, too.
PARTH: Congratulations. You have completed the Ferengi all-inclusive newlywed discount package. You may now consummate your marriage.
BOTH: What?!
PARTH: Not where we can see you. You do it in the blind box, where we can hear it.
MIGLEEMO: Please alert the chef that I will be reviewing this restaurant for my planet's fficial foodie archives. My species invented space travel in order to seek out strange new meals. D'Vana, Samanthan! What a coincidence. These are, famously, the two closest platonic friends on my ship. Hello!
PARTH: Huh? Platonic? Security!
TENDI: Er... How dare you call us only friends? You've been trying to break up our love from the start!
RUTHERFORD: Er, yeah. You know we both love you.
MIGLEEMO: You do?
RUTHERFORD: Just because the Ferengi newlywed discount can only be used by two out of the three of us, you have the nerve to come down here and try to ruin our marriage?
MIGLEEMO: Wha...? You guys love me?
TENDI: Of course we do. You're undeniably attractive to both of us. But now that I see you here, I want a divorce so we can be together.
MIGLEEMO: But we can't...
RUTHERFORD: Thanks so much, Migleemo. You ruined our marriage!
TENDI: We'll never forgive you.
MIGLEEMO: I didn't realise. I'm sorry. Please don't break up because of me.
PARTH: Security, stand down.
RUTHERFORD: Now that we're divorced, we're going back to our ship and never talking again.
TENDI: That's right.
MIGLEEMO: Huh, I had no idea they were married or that they both loved me.
PARTH: Can I interest you in our Homewrecker package?
MIGLEEMO: Oh ho. You don't have to throw up in my mouth twice. Let's do it.

[Palace]

LEETA: In addition to the contractual changes, we are now allowed use of any ship in Starfleet at our discretion, whether we end up joining the Federation or not. And ten points on the back end of every holo-novel programme in perpetuity.
VASSERY: I don't think they have back end, but yes, yes.
LEETA: Uh-huh. Also, the Nagus would like you to dance for him.
FREEMAN: I've made those changes and added a billion bars of gold-pressed latinum as a signing bonus.
VASSERY: What? Captain!
LEETA: Keep dancing. Why so giving, Freeman?
FREEMAN: I just want to wrap this up and free the admiral before he signs away the entire fleet. He's clearly under your thumb.
VASSERY: I am not!
LEETA: I don't buy it. There has to be a catch.
FREEMAN: Of course. I've added one provision.
ROM: Here comes the other shoe.
FREEMAN: Before you receive any of these signing bonuses, you must recruit one other planet yourself, since you're so good at it.
VASSERY: What are you thinking, Carol? That's nothing. We do it all the time.
ROM: Ha! Do you realise what just happened? You know how many planets are in debt to us? Bringing just one in will be nothing.
VASSERY: We'll be in debt to them forever.
FREEMAN: It's all right, Admiral. They get nothing. We're done here.
ROM: What? What do you mean? You owe us a fortune.
FREEMAN: Yes, contingent on bringing in a planet. But I didn't say which planet. You might want to read the fine print.
LEETA: Qo'noS, the Klingon homeworld? That's impossible!
FREEMAN: Oh, I know. You forgot the eighth Rule of Acquisition.
ROM: Small print leads to large risk. You've swindled like a true Ferengi.
VASSERY: I swear I had nothing to do with this.
LEETA: You're lucky she did. As much as we're in favour of joining the Federation, the Grand Nagus can't sign with a bunch of suckers and rubes.
ROM: Captain Freeman, you've showed me that there are those in the Federation who respect our culture. Let's start over. Bring me the standard papers. I'll sign.
VASSERY: Please accept my apologies. I shouldn't have doubted you. I'll be relaying your acuity to Command.
FREEMAN: Thank you, Admiral. Happy to be of aid.
ROM: Now, who wants to check out my batting cages?
FREEMAN [OC]: With the application submitted, so begins the first step to the Ferengi joining the Federation. There are many more hurdles to leap, but, today felt like a good start.

[Repair shop]

RANSOM: Well, Mariner, was guide duty as fun as rumoured?
MARINER: Er, I had to take out a predatory loan from one of my closest friends, apparently I get in fights for no reason, and I can feel my hangover in my entire spine.
RANSOM: Why are you getting into fights?
MARINER: Urgh. You wouldn't understand.
RANSOM: Okay. How about you two? How was the couple's retreat?
TENDI: Oh, faking a relationship was way, way out of our comfort zone, sir.
RUTHERFORD: Yeah, we just don't have any natural chemistry. Want to help me reroute that phase conduit?
TENDI: Sure.
RUTHERFORD: Ha! We got to squeeze in there. Hand me the spanner.
TENDI: On it. Now, this makes sense.
RANSOM: Wait, where's Mister Boimler?

[Boimler's room]

RANSOM [on PADD]: Mister Boimler, did you do too many locations? Are you in need of aid?
BOIMLER: Er, no. I watched eight hours straightof Ferengi programming. I'm sorry I let you down, sir.
RANSOM [on PADD]: Honestly, I'm proud of you.
BOIMLER: Really?
RANSOM [on PADD]: You've always had a problem going with the flow, but today it looks like you got out of your own way.
BOIMLER: Thank you, sir.
RANSOM [on PADD]: I've authorised the local authorities to drag you out of there. Just go limp, don't fight them.
(Door smashed in, Boimler screams as energy whips are used.)
FERENGI: Get out of here!

[Ransom's office]

RANSOM: I really like that lieutenant.
BOIMLER [OC]: Oh! Ah! Oh! Oh, no. Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!