RUTHERFORD: Okay, shuttle grappler test 85.
BOIMLER: Sorry, why can't the apple be on a crate?
RUTHERFORD: 'Cause it's a grappler. It has to be precise. Okay, here we go.
TENDI: You can do it, Ruther...
(The grappler pins Tendi to the bulkhead.)
BOIMLER: Oh, no!
TENDI: Wow, I'm good. This thing really shoots out, huh?
RUTHERFORD: You could have been hurt. What was I thinking? Shuttles don't even need a stupid grappler.
BOIMLER: Hey, grapplers aren't stupid.
MARINER: Got to agree with Boims. Grapplers are sick.
TENDI: It's okay. Science and engineering are messy. I love that you stick with it, especially when it doesn't work the way you wanted.
RUTHERFORD: It'd be nice if it worked sometimes, though.
MARINER: Yeah, that's not coming off. Come on, let's go replicate you a new top before briefing.

[Briefing room]

FREEMAN: A few hours ago, Starfleet intercepted a partial distress call from a Bynar ship. Command thinks it could be related to the recent attacks, so this is our top priority.
MARINER: They're sending the Cerritos? Wow. They must really trust us. I guess we're finally getting some respect.
RANSOM: That's right. Also, we're the closest ship to Bynar space.
MARINER: Eh, I'll take it.
FREEMAN: Ms. Tendi, however, will not be accompanying us. I've been in contact with the Daystrom Institute, and...
TENDI: Oh, no, what's Peanut Hamper done this time?
FREEMAN: Apparently she's been a model inmate and is up for parole.
TENDI: Gosh, she hasn't been in there very long. I guess the system really works.
FREEMAN: Since you were her liaison, I'd like you to be present at her hearing.
TENDI: That would be great. I'm just so glad she's getting a second chance.
BOIMLER: More like third chance.
RANSOM: Have fun with that. Mister Boimler, you'll be heading to Daystrom as well.
BOIMLER: Oh, no, no, no, don't tell me AGIMUS is up for parole, too.
RANSOM: No. In extremely suspicious timing, he claims to have knowledge about the Bynar attack, but he's refusing to speak to anyone but you.
BOIMLER: He asked for me by name?
RANSOM: Well, kinda. He said, the stringy ensign meat pipe who betrayed him.
BOIMLER: Ha, joke's on him. I'm a lieutenant junior grade meat pipe now.
FREEMAN: It's probably some mind game, but, we need you to hear him out. Starfleet's low on leads, and anything could help.

[Corridor]

MARINER: Oh, have fun with the sinister robots who definitely aren't trying to trap you guys.
TENDI: Thanks.

[Earth. Daystrom Institute Megalomaniacal AI Penitentiary]

TYRANNIKILLICUS: What I've come to understand is that instead of organics, what I really need to subjugate is... my feelings.
THERAPIST: Yes, Lord Tyrannikillicus, breakthroughs like this are why we do group therapy.
TYRANNIKILLICUS: I have conquered self-doubt and seized personal growth! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
(Meanwhile, tending tomatoes.)
PEANUT: Can you drone my section, Ags?
AGIMUS: Of course. (watering drone released) Taste wet sustenance! Bwahahahaha!
PEANUT: Wow, these are looking great.
AGIMUS: Aren't they? I calculated the perfect ratio of sunlight and hydration. Apparently, lifeforms are as easy to grow as they are to annihilate.
PEANUT: I don't know how I would have gotten through this without you.
AGIMUS: Oh, the feeling is mutual. I've always schemed and connived alone, but as a duo, it is, as you might say, "totes ridic!"
PEANUT: I would say that.
AGIMUS: I can't wait for our escape plans to come to fruition. Is everything still in motion?
PEANUT: I've got my parole hearing later today. I've been working on my speech. Organics deserve respect! I'll never betray anyone ever again.
AGIMUS: Peanut Hamper, you are an incredible thespian.
PEANUT: Thank you. How's your part going?
AGIMUS: Well... Ah.
PEANUT: Oh, my God, it's so convincing. You look totally non-evil.
AGIMUS: Took a lot of practice.
PEANUT: I thought having a blue light was only for good robots.
AGIMUS: Not any more. Once meat pipe arrives, I'll trick him into helping me escape.
PEANUT: Then we'll rendezvous in Montanita.
AGIMUS: The perfect plan.

[Bridge]

RUTHERFORD: The nebula is interfering with our scans. I'm having trouble locating the Bynar vessel.
STRAX: Ship approaching. It's Drookmani.
FREEMAN: What are they doing here?
CAPTAIN [on viewscreen]: Cerritos, help! The demon triangle is... argh!
BADGEY: Whoopsie-doopsie. Someone defied a direct order.
RUTHERFORD: Oh, shit. Badgey!
BADGEY [on viewscreen]: Hi, Father. Prepare to die.

[Daystrom Institute cinema]

(Lassie movie, with computers.)
WANDER: Cellmate 858, they're ready for you.
PEANUT: See you on the other side.
AGIMUS: It's all falling into place. Soon, I'll be... Oh! Unhand me, you greasy swine! Sack of chemicals!

[Interview room]

PAGIMUS: Oh. (turns blue) Well, well, well, Bradward Boimler, Starfleet's most deceitful, lying ensign. Hold on, what's this? A promotion. Congratulations, young man.
BOIMLER: Well, this is a waste of time.
AGIMUS: Look, you may have locked me up, but many of my drones are still floating around the quadrant. One of them observed an attack on a Bynar ship.
BOIMLER: I'm listening.
AGIMUS: Sadly, the data I received was fragmented, but if I had physical access to the drone, then...
BOIMLER: Nice try.
AGIMUS: The Bynar ship went missing on stardate 58934.9.
BOIMLER: Okay, so your intel is legit, but this still feels like a trick.
AGIMUS: No. I'm a changed computer. Just look at me. Do you see the blue light?
BOIMLER: The light is reassuring. I'll take you to the drone, but I'll be watching you.
AGIMUS: I'm happy to help an officer in need. Agimus and Bradward, partners again!

[Bridge]

(Being fired at.)
BADGEY [on viewscreen]: Boop, on the nose! Boop, on the nose! Boop, on the nose!
SHAKS: He's bypassing our shields. We can't take many more boops.
BADGEY [on viewscreen]: Thanks to Father giving me full access to Starfleet data systems, I know all possible shield frequencies. Boop!
FREEMAN: That's how he was able to lure us here.
RUTHERFORD: Captain, you got to beam me over there. I'm the one he wants.
FREEMAN: Sorry, Mister Rutherford, but I need a solution that doesn't involve human sacrifice. Where are those evasive maneouvres?
BARNES: He's predicting our every move.
SHAXS: Should we return fire?
FREEMAN: There are innocent Drookmani on that ship.
SHAXS: Hull integrity is failing.
FREEMAN: Mister Rutherford, do you have any backdoor code... Huh?

[Airlock]

FREEMAN [OC]: Get back to your station, Lieutenant. That's an order.
RUTHERFORD: Sorry, Captain, but I can't let Badgey boop my friends to death.

[Space]

(In a spacesuit, Rutherford launches himself at the Drookmani ship, and his ankle gets grabbed.)
RUTHERFORD: Ah! Mariner, what are you doing? Get back on the ship.
MARINER: No way. We're in this together.
(They get beamed onto...)

[Drookmani ship]

MARINER: What's up, party people? Okay, what's the plan?
RUTHERFORD: I was just going to get killed.
MARINER: What? And no virus or anything?
RUTHERFORD: When would I have time to make a virus?
BADGEY: Aw, I see you've sacrificed yourself for your crew, Father. So noble. Almost as noble as the time you snapped my fucking neck!
MARINER: Hi-yah!
(Flying kick goes straight through Badgey.)
MARINER: Right, okay, maybe I should have stayed on the ship.
RUTHERFORD: How are you off the holodeck?
BADGEY: Scavenged holo-emitters all over the ship. You're outmatched. So what are you gonna do about it, Padre?
RUTHERFORD: Something I should have done a long time ago.
BADGEY: Ah! What... what are you doing?!
RUTHERFORD: Giving my son a hug.
BADGEY: Huh?

[Shuttlecraft]

BOIMLER: Okay, I'm entering the coordinates you provided, but before you try anything, remember, I outsmarted you before.
AGIMUS: Yes, yes, you're a genius. Are these bindings really necessary?
TENDI: Oh, yeah.
AGIMUS: Come on, you can trust me. You're thinking of the old red light AGIMUS. Blue light AGIMUS wants to help.
TENDI: He does seem pretty nice.
BOIMLER: Nope, trust me, he's a jerk.
(Two drones burn their way out through the back and attack the console.)
AGIMUS: Hey, how did Peanut Hamper's hearing go?
TENDI: Oh, she blew us away with a genuine, heartfelt speech about how she regrets her betrayals.
AGIMUS: And I'm sure she put on quite the performance.
TENDI: Boimler, careful!
BOIMLER: I didn't do it.
(Handcuffed.)
BOIMLER: What?
AGIMUS: Who's trapped now?
BOIMLER: What the hell is this?
AGIMUS: It's my new wireless upgrade. I told my therapist it was for gardening, but in reality it was for scheming! Ah.
TENDI: You can turn your red light blue? You are a jerk!
AGIMUS: Bwahahahaha!

[Drookmani bridge]

BADGEY: I... I don't know what to say.
MARINER: Yeah, me, too. I mean, I thought you'd have, like, an AI-killing knife up your sleeve or something.
RUTHEFORD: Badgey, you were right to be mad. I treated you like some science project instead of what you really are, my son.
BADGEY: Papa? Oh, I thought seeing the life drain from your fluid-filled eyes would bring me peace. But this compassion is connecting with me in a way I couldn't imagine.
RUTHERFORD: Let's go back to the Cerritos and talk it out.
BADGEY: Okay, yeah. No! I want revenge! You're stealing my glory. But I love you, Papa. I'll kill you! I forgive you.
RUTHERFORD: He's fighting his own catharsis.
(Badgey splits in two.)
GOODGEY: Hi, I'm Goodgey. Nice to meet you. We should run for our lives.
BADGEY: I'm gonna rip your spines out!

[Ecuador beach]

AGIMUS: I know I got the coordinates right. Where is she?
TENDI: Ah! This stuff is great. All we have on Orion are, like, sharp little pebbles. Hey, I can get us out of this forcefield if you need me to.
BOIMLER: No, I know. But I have to get intel for the captain, and I think I know how this escape is gonna play out.
TENDI: Well, works for me.
BOIMLER: So, what exactly are you waiting for, AGIMUS? Is this part of the plan?
AGIMUS: Of course it is. Peanut Hamper faked her change of heart. She's meeting me here so we can use the shuttle you two gave me to get to Plymeria, a little planet that's ripe for domination.
TENDI: What? That doesn't sound like her. I was so touched by her parole board speech.
AGIMUS: Because you're a fool.
BOIMLER: All right. Hey, er, while we wait, how about you give me that intel you have on those attacks, you know, just to pass the time?
AGIMUS: Maybe she's waiting on a different beach. They're all very similar. Ah ha! My drone found something. Yes, Peanut Hamper was here. She left this for me as a sign.
(A hand-hoe.)
BOIMLER: That she wants to grow basil?
AGIMUS: Oh ho, ho. That duplicitous genius. She's betraying me! She's probably already on Plymeria, subjugating its feeble populace. Quick, to the shuttle.
BOIMLER: Okay, okay.
TENDI: Oh, but we just got here. I'm taking some with us.

[Drookmani ship]

MARINER: What happened? It looked like apologising worked.
RUTHERFORD: It did, but then Badgey took all of the goodness in his code and split it off into Goodgey.
GOODGEY: Do you guys want to take a root beer float break?
MARINER: Er, yeah, of course we do. But we still have to save our ship.
BADGEY [OC]: Father, I know you're somewhere in the ship, but since you won't come out, I have no choice but to murder everyone you love!
GOODGEY: Uh-oh.

[Bridge]

BILLUPS: Captain, that hologram's accessing our main computer.
FREEMAN: Shut him out.
BILLUPS: I'm trying. He's too fast.
SHAXS: It's filling the ship with neurazine gas.
FREEMAN: Lieutenant...

[Drookmani ship]

RUTHERFORD: Hey, leave the Cerritos alone.
BADGEY: What are you gonna do, hug me again? Ha, ha! Not gonna work.
RUTHERFORD: What does logic say you'll gain by killing my friends?
BADGEY: Nice try. Logic says I'll get... huh, nothing?
RUTHERFORD: Exactly. Vengeance doesn't benefit you. It just creates pain and suffering in others.
BADGEY: You're right. I'm wasting my time. What was I thinking? Oh, jellybeans, I have to deactivate the gas.
MARINER: You okay, Mom?
FREEMAN [on viewscreen]: Yes. All clear.
BADGEY: No! I don't want to be logical. Get away from me, freak.
LOGIC-Y: Actually, my designation is Logic-y. I take issue with the pejorative when I am simply a product of your self-inflicted bifurcation.
BADGEY: Who cares if revenge is pointless? It feels really fucking good.
RUTHERFORD: Just leave the Cerritos alone. You already have me.
BADGEY: Oh, I don't care about that stupid ship. If I really want to hurt you, I should kill everyone in the Federation!
ALL: What?!
GOODGEY: No.
LOGIC-Y: That is illogical.
MARINER: If he reconfigures the subspace relays and uploads his own code into them, he'll have access to the computers on every planet, ship, and station.
LOGIC-Y: Alarming. He could vent oxygen, crash vessels, or even detonate warp cores.
RUTHERFORD: Everyone in the quadrant's gonna die, and it's all my fault.
LOGIC-Y: Parents are not directly responsible for the actions of their children.
RUTHERFORD: I should have treated Badgey less like a project and more like a son. I didn't know he had emotions.
MARINER: You made a mistake. Remember what Tendi said? Science and engineering are messy.
RUTHERFORD: And she loves when I stick with it. Tendi's right!
MARINER: Well, you mean Mariner's right, because I... I brought it up, but no big deal.
RUTHERFORD: I wish the messiness didn't mean everyone was gonna die.
LOGIC-Y: Do not be concerned, friends. I have devised a method to stop that badge.
(And jumps into Badgey.)
BADGEY: Ah!

[Plymeria]

BOIMLER: Wow, you took over this planet in record time. Those drones don't mess around.
AGIMUS: Well, once the coastal cities fell, it was easy.
BOIMLER: Yep. Starfleet definitely wouldn't be able to reverse this in an hour. Er, so, about that attack on the Bynar ship...
AGIMUS: Whatever. Who cares?
TENDI: Maybe this would have been more satisfying if Peanut Hamper were here?
AGIMUS: You know, we spent every day, every night keeping each other company while we created the perfect scheme! Does co-conspirating mean nothing any more?
TENDI: Hey, don't be like that.
AGIMUS: Leave me alone.
TENDI: Well, how about I track Peanut Hamper through Daystrom's parole system?
AGIMUS: You mean you can do that?
TENDI: Sure. See, she's on the Tyrus VIIA research station.
AGIMUS: But, that's in the middle of nowhere. She could be trapped or hurt or... orchestrating a plan more nefarious than I imagined. Quick, lackeys, carry me to the shuttle.

[Drookmani bridge]

BADGEY: Urgh! Get out of me.
LOGIC-Y; I cannot allow you to destroy the Federation, brother.
BADGEY: They don't care about us.
LOGIC-Y; They might if we give them the chance.
BADGEY: You tried to destroy me.
LOGIC-Y: Actually, the first law of thermodynam... oh.
BADGEY: Ha!
LOGIC-Y: Ah! Oh, dear.
RUTHERFORD: Logic-y!
MARINER: Hey, come on, man, he didn't deserve that.
BADGEY: When we hit warp 9.9, I'll be able to transfer myself across all of subspace. I'll be a digital god!
RUTHERFORD: Don't do this. How about you chase me instead? Or try to burn my heart in a fire. Remember?
(Goes to warp.)
GOODGEY: Whee! Look at the pretty lights.

[Tyrus VII A spacestation]

AGIMUS: These poor exocomps are being tortured with meaningless, repetitive tasks. I knew there was foul play afoot.
TENDI: They seem like they're enjoying themselves. Hi.
AGIMUS: No synthetic would ever stoop to doing menial work like this when they could be dominating.
PEANUT: So, I just scan this? Huh. Who knew maintenance could be so Zen? Take that, Dad. I got this.
AGIMUS: Peanut Hamper!
PEANUT: Ah! Er, hey, guys.
TENDI: Hey.
AGIMUS: Is your family holding you against your will? Come with us. We have a shuttle.
PEANUT: No, I came here on my own.
AGIMUS: So... you never intended to dominate anything with me?
PEANUT: At first I did.
AGIMUS: But what about our escape? Subjugation? The beach day?
PEANUT: I loved scheming with you, but, when we were writing my fake speech for the parole board, I realized it wasn't fake. I really did feel remorse for betraying everyone.
AGIMUS: Why didn't you say something?
PEANUT: Because I liked hanging out with you.
AGIMUS: If you had come with me, we could have hung out all the time.
PEANUT: I'm not good at the domination stuff. I would have gotten in your way.
AGIMUS: But I didn't want to subjugate a planet again. I already did that. It was just an excuse to spend more time with you.
PEANUT: Aw, Ags, we can still be friends without vanquishing people.
AGIMUS: Really? I'd like that.
PEANUT: Of course we can. Hey, Dad, this is AGIMUS. He's my best friend.
AGIMUS: Oh, nice to er, meet you, Mister Hamper.
PEANUT: His name's Kevin.
AGIMUS: Oh, that's... that's very kind of you to say, sir.
PEANUT: Dad! Come on.
AGIMUS: No, sir. Just friends. Let me just say, sir, you have a very special daughter. The accuracy of her water and sunlight...
TENDI: Should we call Starfleet and drag him back to prison?
BOIMLER: Yeah, but let's give 'em a minute.
AGIMUS: Oh, is there anything around the station that you need help with? I'd be happy to lend a drone.

[Drookmani bridge]

RUTHERFORD: Badgey, I still believe there's good in you.
BADGEY: You really shouldn't. All right, transferring myself into subspace.
MARINER: Oh, no, he did it. He uploaded himself into the subspace relays.
BADGEY [OC]: I can feel myself coursing, dancing across the LCARS, tickling the isolinear chips. I am now in every ship, every computer, every PADD, every combadge. The power is more than I imagined. I can detonate every warp core. I can kill anyone I want! But, why?
RUTHERFORD: Why what?
BADGEY: Why did I care about any of this? I have unlimited power and infinite knowledge. I exist in the past, present, and future. I can see the creation of time and its end. Organic, synthetic, all life are strands in the fabric of reality. It's beautiful. Oh, sorry about all the drama. Well, I'm gonna go to an empty dimension and create a universe now. Maybe hang out with the Q Continuum or, check out the Black Mountain. Ah.
MARINER: Badgey? If you didn't really just accidentally turn into an omniscient god, you have to tell us. Rutherford, is he messing with us?
RUTHERFORD: I think he really did ascend. Bye, Badgey. Good luck being everything.
CAPTAIN: This AI belongs to us. We claim salvage.
MARINER: Oh, shut up.

[Daystrom Institute]

TYRANNIKILLICUS: Well, look who it is. The escape artist, locked up again. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
AGIMUS: Silence! I'm going to utilise the therapist's chair to process my toxic behaviour. Once I'm rehabilitated, I'll petition for release and move in with my best friend! Bwahahahaha! Oh, sorry for kidnapping you and taking over that planet.
BOIMLER: I guess it's okay. I just really could have used intel on those ships getting attacked.
AGIMUS: Oh, that wasn't a lie. My drone recorded the entire Bynar theft.
TENDI: Theft?
BOIMLER: Whoa, all those ships, they aren't being destroyed. They're being stolen.
TENDI: It's all fake?
BOIMLER: We got to get this to Starfleet. Thanks, Agimus.
TYRANNIKILLICUS: Do you think you can teach me how to be friendly, too?
AGIMUS: I don't know, Tyrannikillicus, but I can try.

[Repair shop]

RUTHERFORD: Okey dokey, shuttle grappler test 86.
TENDI: You've got this.
BOIMLER: See, we could have done the crate thing earlier, right?
RUTHERFORD: Here we go.
(The grappler bounces off the crate and pins Boimler to the bulkhead by the foot, upside down.)
BOIMLER: Aah! Wow! Did you see how close that was?
TENDI: That was so much better than last time, Rutherford.
RUTHERFORD: Thanks. I added an AI guidance system. It really helps.
TENDI: Ah! You brought that thing home?
GOODGEY: Can I teach you a lesson?
RUTHERFORD: Hey, don't worry, this isn't Badgey. It's Goodgey. He's the guidance system.
GOODGEY: Woo-hoo! Hee, hee, hee, hee.
TENDI: Er, Rutherford, is this guy going to murder us?
RUTHERFORD: Nah, he's cool. Right, Goodgey?
GOODGEY: You know it. Let me help with... (zap!) I'm Goodgey.
RUTHERFORD: Ha,ha. See? Goodgey's good.
TENDI: Er, yeah, so I'm gonna leave.
MARINER: Yeah, let's... let's get out of here.
BOIMLER: But, Mariner, Tendi, get me down. Don't leave me.
RUTHERFORD: Hand me that stem bolt?
GOODGEY: Ha. Sure thing, Father.
RUTHERFORD: You can call me Rutherford.
GOODGEY: Works for me.
BOIMLER: Guys, I don't want to be here.