[Blue Orion ship]

BLUE ORION: Oh, not quite enough, Green. You take our ship. We take your lives.
(Something very big lands on him.)

[Bedroom]

TENDI: Whoa, we're going to crush him with a, well, what's that supposed to be?
D'ERIKA: Sorry, my bad. It's nothing. Just dropped a snack.
TENDI: Let's try again. Maybe run a double broadside protocol?
D'ERIKA: Ooo, look at you, Miss Starfleet. Speaking like a true Orion General.
TENDI: Well, someone has to do the talking. You're too busy eating all the wing-slug rolls.
D'ERIKA: I only had, like, six. Hey!
SHONA: That's enough battle strategy for tonight. It's getting late.
D'ERIKA: Boo!
TENDI: Just ten more minutes?
D'ERIKA: We barely even pillaged.
SHONA: Okay, okay.
(Their mother leaves, D'Erika is dizzy.)
TENDI: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you okay?
D'ERIKA: Yeah, all good. Just a little bit of heartburn.
TENDI: Well, luckily we've got a doctor in the room. Better safe than sorry.
D'ERIKA: Ah, get away from me with that Starfleet crap.
TENDI: I just want to see what's wrong.
D'ERIKA: Nothing's wrong. I just had a few too many slug rolls. Drop it.
FREEMAN [OC]: Captain's log, stardate 59376.9. Cerritos has arrived at Targalus IX, a recent addition to the Federation, to help dismantle their capitalist system of wealth. Having just acquired post-scarcity technology, the Targalans are removing their obsolete financial structures to make room for museums and meditation gardens. Most Targalans have embraced their new way of life, as evidenced by the planet-wide celebration.

[Outside Recycling Centre]

BOIMLER: Oh, I got your back, Ensign. Remember, Boimler's Bointer Number 3. Lift with the legs, and your spine will be fine.
MACKLER: Yes, sir. Thank you for the Bointer.
MARINER: Damn, look at all this stuff. Dumb old currency sure does take up a lot of space.
BOIMLER: You finished converting the Stock Exchange into an animal hospital?
MARINER: Yeah, smells a lot better in there now, believe it or not. Plus, they're using all the old briefcases as litter boxes. Wait, Boims. Don't move. There's something on your face.
BOIMLER: Is it a bug?
MARINER: Worse. It is a weird little moustache.
BOIMLER: Ha, ha, very funny. But also pertinent. Boimler's Bointer Number 16. Always research flora and fauna on a new planet. You never know what might be trying to kill you.
MACKLER: Great advice, Commander.
GORM: Yeah, I was really fearing for my life over here.
MARINER: Not sure they love the Bointers. Where'd that come from? You've never had pointers before.
BOIMLER: Bointers, not pointers. I read a er... biography where someone had a lot of confidence in their away teams, and I was just giving it a try.
MARINER: Hey, hey, don't look at me. I love a good Bointer. Love it, truly. I'm just saying, you know, maybe let these guys off the hook for a bit. Go enjoy the planet-wide party.
BOIMLER: I don't know. The Bointers have kept us ahead of schedule.
MARINER: Exactly. And that means we can have some fun, too. Come on, be the fun boss, Boims.
BOIMLER: The fun boss? I could be the fun boss. Brad Boimler, fun boss. Yeah, I'll do it. I'm in. Ensigns, why don't you take an hour off? You've earned it.
ENSIGNS: Yeah!
MARINER: Wait, really? I was just making conversation. I didn't think you'd actually say yes. Hell yeah, I like this fun Boimler.

[D'Erika's office]

(Tendi sneaks in.)
D'ERIKA [on screen]: Personal log. Those stupid blue fucks hit us again today... (fast forward) I just can't believe how great it is having D'Vana back. I couldn't ask for a better sister.
TENDI: Aw.
(Fast forward.)
D'ERIKA [on screen]: ..but there's just too much on the line. And now I have to keep my pregnancy secret...
TENDI: Oh. I'm going to be an aunt? Eee!
D'ERIKA: Why are you in my office with the lights off, weirdo?
TENDI: Oh, I was... looking for a dagger.
E'ERIKA: They're literally daggers in every room.
TENDI: Oh, right. Totally forgot. Starfleet brain. Anyway, I better get back to... cutting stuff.
D'ERIKA: Wait, wait, wait. While you're here, I have some big news.
TENDI: Really? You know, you can tell me anything.
D'ERIKA: We've been summoned before the Orion pirate queen.
TENDI: Oh.
D'ERIKA: Apparently they aren't too happy with our pirate war.
TENDI: Okay. Was there anything else you need to tell me?
D'ERIKA: Yeah. If you keep standing in dark rooms, people are going to think you're a creep.
TENDI: Ha, ha. Right.

[Repair shop]

(The door doesn't want to open and shut properly. Suddenly T'Lyn is there.)
RUTHERFORD: Okey nopey. T'Lyn, wow. Whoo. You really got me.
T'LYN: I did not intend to get you. I am simply in need of a partner to aid in my senior science officer training. Would you mind teaching me how to repair the shuttle?
RUTHERFORD: Ah, I wish I cold be your study buddy, but my implant is having a hard time connecting to this old door.
T'LYN: There is no urgency. I will wait.
RUTHERFORD: Oh, you mean just stand there right behind my back, staring off into space and doing nothing?
T'LYN: That is correct.
RUTHERFORD: Oh. Uh-huh. Okey dokey. Sounds good.

[Throne room]

SABOR: Houses is Tendi and Azure.
TENDI: They're going by Azure now?
D'ERIKA: Better than Big Blue Losers, I guess.
SABOR: With each of you pirating the other, there's no new booty flowing into the Syndicate. We can barely afford to feed our bla zzards.
K'LEVIN: This war was instigated by House Tendi. They used un-Or-ion tactics to steal our frigate.
D'ERIKA: Bullshit. You tried to steal it from us first. And it's pronounced O-ryan.
SABOR: Enough! When you pillage each other, it hurts all Orions. I order you to settle this as the ancients did, with a sailship race through the Excellon Nebula.
K'LEVIN: Oh my.
TENDI: Orions haven't used sail ships in hundreds of years. Isn't this a bit extreme?
D'ERIKA: We're gonna crush this. I did varsity solar sailing in high school.
TENDI: Not through a dangerous nebula.
SABOR: The first to survive the journey and reach our hidden treasure wins.
TENDI: Okay. Maybe it'll be fun.
SABOR: It will not be fun. The losing house will be removed from the Syndicate and their wealth given to the winner.
TENDI: What?
K'LEVIN: Hell yeah. It is on! Come on. Hope you ladies like to lose.

[Outside the Palace]

D'ERIKA: I'm gonna kick their Oreon asses.
TENDI: Actually, I was thinking maybe I should handle this on my own.
D'ERIKA: Yeah, right.
TENDI: Well, as Prime, you should probably stay far from any gravitons and chronotons and any other dangerous 'tons. Nebulas are full of 'tons.
D'ERIKA: You can't even solar-sail. What are you talking about?
TENDI: But you could hurt the... yourself.
D'ERIKA: I'm the Prime of one of the biggest houses in the Syndicate. People try to assassinate me over brunch. I think I can handle a sailing trip.
TENDI: Okay, well, let's just make sure we wear helmets and knee pads and maybe some full body armour?
D'ERIKA: Shut up.

[Outside the Recycling Centre]

MARINER: Man, these Targalans love burning up their trash money. What a party.
BOIMLER: I can't believe you were okay leaving.
MARINER: Yeah, you're trying to be a fun boss and I'm just trying to be a responsible boss. Just watch. I'm about to support and encourage the shit out of your ensigns. Who are not here.
BOIMLER: Er, they should have been back by now.
MARINER: Damn. Now this is buffer time. Respect.
BOIMLER: Ensigns Mackler and Gorm, status report.
MARINER: I'm sure they're fine. Don't freak out.
BOIMLER: Oh no, they could be lost or dead or... taking advantage of my relaxed management style.
RANSOM [OC]: Ransom to Lieutenant Mariner. How's it looking down there?
MARINER: Yeah, we've actually run into a bit of... Hey!
BOIMLER: Everything's going great, Commander. Should be done on time.
RANSOM [OC]: Glad to hear it. Love that you two are sharing a combadge. Ransom out.
MARINER: What are you doing?
BOIMLER: I'm sure the team is fine. You have to trust them.
MARINER: Okay, this is too weird. Lying to your superiors, growing that thing on your face. You're not acting like yourself. What's the deal?
BOIMLER: Nothing. I just want to be fun boss, not fired boss.
MARINER: Okay, fine. But for the record, I'm taking responsibility and you chose chaos. Ransom could have just scanned for them.
BOIMLER: But... but... he doesn't need to. Bointer number 17. I always set a rendezvous point in case we get separated. They should be at the Museum of Friendship. Come on.
MARINER: Boims, come on. Let's just scan for them. We can still scan.

[Solar ship]

D'ERIKA: Fix those lines. Get that cargo secured. We only have one shot at this.
TENDI: Are your feet cold? Oh, do you need some warm fuzzy socks?
D'ERIKA: What? No, I'm fine.
QUEEN [on screen]: The countdown has begun. May the best Orion win.
K'LEVIN [on screen]: Oh, he will.
D'ERIKA: Bring it.
(Red lights go out, solar sails are unfurled.)
TENDI: Careful!
D'ERIKA: What?
TENDI: This thing doesn't have inertial dampeners.
D'ERIKA: Relax. It's just a little turbulence.
TENDI: But you're the captain. You should be sitting down. Let us handle the manual labour. I mean, the work.
D'ERIKA: Just because those lazy Starfleet captains sit on the job doesn't mean I do.
TENDI: Oh, but imagine how humiliated the Blue Orions would be if you beat them sitting down. Or better yet, lying down, with your feet elevated.

[Repair shop]

RUTHERFORD: There we go. Whoa! Hey, hey! Hi! What are you doing up there?
T'LYN: I decided to attempt some more advanced repairs on this shuttle's vector control system.
RUTHERFORD: Oh, I appreciate it, I really do, but this is an old shuttle. You can't just treat it like it has sarium krellide cells.
T'LYN: I was not under that assumption. Perhaps you can show me my error.
RUTHERFORD: It's okay. This thing's basically held together with spit and string. Let me take over for a sec.

[Outside the Museum]

WOMAN: Wait, why are we waiting in line? Everything is free now!
BOIMLER: Oh, where are they?
MARINER: Boims, Boims! See that guy? That's the museum director. I just shotgunned some alien beers with him. That's not important. He said he saw your team over there.
(In the back of a van, being kidnapped.)
MAN: Go, go, go!
BOIMLER: Uh-oh. Hey! Stop that hover-van!
MARINER: Okay, okay. Now we clearly have to tell Ransom. Commander, our away team was just kidnapped.
RANSOM [OC]: Oh, let me guess. By some angry, jewel-encrusted aliens?
MARINER: Er... that's... Yes, that's right. Yeah.
RANSOM [OC]: Not everyone on Targalus is happy about the removal of capitalism. We have elitist terrorist cells popping up all over the continent.
BOIMLER: Yeah, okay, so can you send someone to assist us?
RANSOM [OC]: No can do. Everyone's in the field. You're on your own. But don't worry. I know you can handle this. Also, Boimler, do you have your own combadge? Need me to send you one?
BOIMLER: No, no, no thanks. Got it handled.
MARINER: You want it to be fun. Nothing more fun than a car chase, my man.
BOIMLER: I'm gonna need to commandeer your hover-cruiser, ma'am. Official, er, post-scarcity business.
WOMAN 2: Sure. I'll just replicate a new one.
MARINER: Ah, good for them.
BOIMLER: Let's do this.
MARINER: Yes, totally. But you are sitting on it backwards.
BOIMLER: Damn it!

[Solar ship]

D'ERIKA: Keep it up, and we've got this in the bag.
TENDI: Oh, how about a quick break for some Pyrithian bat milk? It's full of healthy vitamins.
D'ERIKA: I don't have time for a break. Whoa! What the fuck was that?
L'KAR: The Blues are firing on us.
TENDI: But sailships don't have weapons.
D'ERIKA: I knew those bastards would fight dirty. D'Vana, take the helm.
TENDI: What are you doing? You're not actually gonna try to board them.
D'ERIKA: Stand down, sister. I know you think you're tough, but I'm the captain here.
TENDI: D'Erika's out of control. She has to be stopped.
L'KAR: Why? She's doing great.
TENDI: Because she's... she's starting fights when she should be focused on racing.
L'KAR: But we have to defend ourselves.
TENDI: No, we don't. We have to win the race, and that's not going to happen if we let the Blues drag us into the mud. Also, I am the god damn Mistress of the Winter Constellations, and you'll do as I say!
ALL: Yes, Mistress.
KITA: Are you proposing a mutiny?
TENDI: Yes, but a gentle, supportive mutiny. A cute-iny. So, D'Erika, hi. So, the girls and I, we had a little meeting back there, and while you're doing great, we think you should sort of be relieved of duty?
D'ERIKA: Are you working with the fucking Blues?
TENDI: L'Kar, little help?
(D'Erika gets strapped to the captain's chair.)
L'KAR: Sorry, Cap, but the Mistress has a plan.
D'ERIKA: Why are you being so nice?
KITA: It's a cute-iny.
D'ERIKA: Either mutiny or don't.
TENDI: Full sail ahead!
D'ERIKA: I'm going to feed you to snakes! Do you hear me? A snake for snakes!
TENDI: Snakes don't eat snakes!

[Outside a mansion]

MARINER: Stupid rich kidnappers with their tacky hideout.

[Mansion]

BOIMLER: These guys aren't cut out for this. They've strapped weapons to their household robots, see? That one's trying to sweep up with a disruptor.
(Mariner throws a gem and breaks a vase on the mezzanine.)
ROBOT: Filthy. Filthy. Must clean.
MARINER: Ha, suckers! Easiest rescue mission of all time.
ROBOT 2: This is a gardener's arrest. Hands up or I'll prune you.
MARINER: You got a Bointer for this?
BOIMLER: I do, but now I'm not going to say it.

[Solar ship]

(K'Levin fires a grapple through their sail. D'Erika gets free and puts a helmet on.)
TENDI: D'Erika, don't.
D'ERIKA: Why not? You don't have a plan and I know what I'm doing.
TENDI: It's too dangerous!
D'ERIKA: Maybe for you.
(Tendi puts on a helmet as well. The outer airlock door opens.)
TENDI: I know you're pregnant!
D'ERIKA: I don't know what you're talking about.
TENDI: Yes you do. I... I read your logs.
D'ERIKA: Those are private!
L'KAR: That blue bastard ripped our sail in half! Jettison the sprit!
KITA: Too late. Brace for impact.

[Mansion]

ROBOT 2: I am programmed to mow, not kill. I cannot predict what my jumble of commands may cause me to do. I am in distress.
BOIMLER: Well, that set my mind at ease.
(Down into the cellars.)
MARINER: This is all my fault. I'm trying to be a better officer, but that means less time to hang with my friends, and telling you to be a fun boss was just so I could feel like myself again.
BOIMLER: Stop. This isn't either of our faults. It is possible to do everything right and still get your away team kidnapped by the corporate elite.
MARINER: Wow, that's actually like very evolved of you, Boims. I like when stuff isn't our fault.
ROBOT 2: We have arrived at the holding cell.
MARINER: Oh my god, they're fucking dead!
ROBOT 2: Oh fuck, I forgot to water them. I have failed as a guard and a gardener.

[Solar ship hull]

D'ERIKA: You can't launch a sail ship on its own. We're stranded.
KITA: And here come the Blues.
D'ERIKA: Damn it, looks like they're heading back to the finish line.
KITA: That means they must have found the treasure!
TENDI: Look, I know, I messed up, but did you really think a violent space race was a good idea in your condition?
D'ERIKA: Mom fought dozens of battles when she was carrying you.
K'LAR: I was actually born mid-sword fight during the Battle of Thirat.
TENDI: Stop defending her. She lied to us.
D'ERIKA: Actually, I only lied to you. Everyone else here already knew.
TENDI: You didn't trust me?
D'ERIKA: No, of course I do. My baby is going to inherit your title. She's the new Mistress of the Winter Constellations.
TENDI: You're having a girl?
D'ERIKA: That's right. And Orion law would require you, the current Mistress, to stay and train her for the next 14 years.
TENDI: So the whole time I thought I was protecting you, you were actually protecting me.
D'ERIKA: And now Mom and Dad are going to lose everything they built.
TENDI: Maybe not.
D'ERIKA: Everyone up. Starfleet here finally has a plan.

[Solar ship]

TENDI: Everyone on the rigging. We're going to need every sail we got.
D'ERIKA: The Blue Orions are still too far ahead. We'll never catch them.
TENDI: Not with that attitude. You're pirating for two now.
(Grapples a passing comet and the ship takes off.)

[Corridor]

RUTHERFORD: Aw, man. I don't know what I'd do if my mom sent me a dragon. Good luck, sir.
(Billups is charred and smoking.)

[Repair shop]

(Shuttle Sequoia is hovering.)
RUTHERFORD: Ah! What did you do?
T'LYN: Vulcans do not require as much sleep as humans, so I spent the night fully repairing the shuttle.
RUTHERFORD: Ah, this is terrible.
T'LYN: I am failing to find the logic in your dissatisfaction.
RUTHERFORD: I was trying to slow-roll the repairs.
T'LYN: Slow-roll?
RUTHERFORD: Tendi and I used to work on this every day. It was our project. She'll be so sad it's done.
T'LYN: You are implying that the act of collaboration is more important than the work itself.
RUTHERFORD: I know, I know. It's silly, but...
T'LYN: No. My request for your aid in studying was an exaggeration. I was trying to deceive you into socialising as well.
RUTHERFORD: Wait. You were?
T'LYN: Since Lieutenant Junior Grade Tendi's departure, I have observed your lack of purpose. I assumed repairing the shuttle would make for a pleasant surprise.
RUTHERFORD: Aw, T'Lyn. That's really nice.
T'LYN: I should not have imposed.
RUTHERFORD: Oh, it's okay. Who knows if Tendi's even coming back. But if she does, I'm sure we can find something else to work on.

[Holding cell]

(Trying CPR.)
MARINER: Call your stupid bosses. We need medical help.
BOIMLER: Come back, Mackler. Turn away from the mountains.
ROBOT 2: Perhaps they need fertiliser.
TARGALAN 1: Ah! What did you do?
TARGALAN 2: Ah! We said lock them up, not kill them.
MARINER: We need to get in touch with our ship right the fuck now. Stop fucking around.
TARGALAN 1: We didn't mean to hurt anyone. We just didn't want to lose the capitalist system that gave us ultimate power.
BOIMLER: Well, now you're going to get arrested by Starfleet. You're going to be poor and stuck in a prison by space aliens.
TARGALAN 2: I got it. We've got to get off-grid. Learn to live off the land and eat mud.
MARINER: Losers! Ah, I can almost reach our combadges.
BOIMLER: Mackler, Gorm, you're alive! What did they do to you?
GORM: Nothing, thanks to Boimler's Bointer Number 16.
BOIMLER: Er, the one about flora and fauna?
MACKLER: Yep. In our research, we found this little tie-dyed coma beetle. Its bite makes you seem dead.
ROBOT 2: I'll never again choose the path of violence.
MARINER: Glad you had a little story for yourself today, buddy.
BOIMLER: Okay. I'll request emergency medical to get us out of here.
GORM: Boo, Boimler.
MACKLER: Oh man, we want to go back to the party.
BOIMLER: You were clinically dead.
GORM: Man, I thought you were fun.

[Solar ship]

D'ERIKA: I never knew a solar sail ship could go this fast. Is this safe?
TENDI: No, it's not.
L'KAR: We're coming up on the Blues.
(Another grapple, they slide across to the Blue ship and phaser open the hold.)
TENDI: The treasure!
K'LEVIN: Get your hands off our booty!
(Tendi throws it out and destroys it.)
K'LEVIN: Are you crazy? Now neither of us wins.
TENDI: It's a tie. Now both our families will get to keep their wealth, and the Queen is going to be happy that we compromised.

[Throne room]

SABOR: You blew it up?
TENDI: Yeah, er, so it was a tie. Pretty smart, right?
SABOR: No! Everyone loses! The Syndicate will be taking both of your houses' wealth.
K'LEVIN: They cheated!
SABOR: Shut up. You hardly have anything to take away.
TENDI: This isn't fair!
SABOR: Well, then next time act like a pirate, not Starfleet.

[Outside the palace]

SHONA: Chin up, sweetheart. It's all right.
TENDI: No, it's not. Our family just lost everything.
SHONA: Money's not everything.
B'RT: Might be nice to take a break from the stress of all the assassination attempts.
SHONA: Mm-hmm. Spend more time with our family.
D'ERIKA: Except for D'Vana. I don't want her around.
TENDI: Yeah, well, I guess I can't blame you.
D'ERIKA: Oh, lighten up. What I meant was, you need to return to Starfleet. I don't want my girl growing up seeing you do anything other than what your heart tells you.
TENDI: Thank you, but I'm going to come home, like, all the time. Oh, I want to cuddle that baby.
D'ERIKA: And maybe give her some swashbuckling tips?
TENDI: Already worried she's going to be deadly. You're going to be such a good mom.

[Outside the transporter room]

RUTHERFORD: Ah! Tendi! Tendi? How was Orion?
TENDI: Ah, just a boring pirate stuff. I can't wait to work on the shuttle with you.
RUTHERFORD: Ooh, ah, Tendi, wait, wait, wait. Let me explain. There's not going to be much left to do.

[Repair shop]

TENDI: Whoa, what the heck happened here?
RUTHERFORD: Ah! T'Lyn, what did you do? You destroyed the entire shuttle.
T'LYN: Oh, no. Whatever shall we do?
TENDI: Hey, now we can rebuild the whole thing together.
RUTHERFORD: Aw, you destroyed the shuttle.
(Boimler and Mariner enter.)
BOTH: Tendi!
MARINER: Get over here, you beautiful green ball of optimism.
BOIMLER: Why don't we move this party to the bar? After a long day of hauling treasure trash and getting abducted by robber barons, I could use a drink.
TENDI: Treasure trash?
BOIMLER: You know, post-scarce society throwing out all their jewels and crap.
TENDI: How many jewels?

[D'Erika's ship]

D'ERIKA: Captain Freeman, your generosity is deeply appreciated.
FREEMAN: It was your sister's idea, and I'm always happy to improve our diplomatic relations. We were just going to toss it all in the matter recombinator anyway.
D'ERIKA: The House of Tendi is proud to serve as the wealth disposal service for Targalus IX.
TENDI: Now I don't have to feel bad about Dad getting a pillaging job.
D'ERIKA: I'll see you soon, Auntie Mistress of the Winter Constellations. Boys! Move it!
K'LEVIN: Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am. Hurry, you idiot. Don't drop anything. I don't want her to get mad at me again.
BLUE 1: Hey, how come you get to carry the jewels? Whoa, there are pearls in here.
K'LEVIN: Get those out of your mouth.