[Corridor]

TENDI: Ooo, we're doing pest control? Fun.
MARINER: Wow, I've never seen anyone happier to chase an unpredictable robot clump through a bunch of ducts.
RUTHERFORD: It's great to have you back, Tendi.
T'LYN: I echo Mister Rutherford's enthusiasm. Despite the increase in cheering, your presence is a comfort.
BOIMLER: Ooh, the Duchess is amazing. One of the space casinos has a bunch of Dixon Hill slot machines.
MARINER: 240 24-hour spas, an indoor water park, and an underwater dry park? I don't even know what that is, but I'm gonna find the fuck out.
BOIMLER: Ooo, this is gonna be awesome. As soon as we clean up those nanites, I'm gonna...
RANSOM: Sorry, Mister Boimler, but you and I have a little side quest we need to take care of.
MARINER: Ew, don't wink. Winking's gross.
RANSOM: Not when I pair it with my signature smirk.
MARINER: Worse. Enjoy your mission with the big boys.
BOIMLER: Shut up. It's great, though, right? I'm so excited.

[Transporter room]

MARINER: Oh, it's nice to finally have a straightforward, simple mission with no drama or...
JENNIFER: Babe, wait up. Mwah! You weren't about to leave your girlfriend behind, were you?
MARINER: Er... my what?

[Shuttlebay]

(Ransom and Billups are in shorts and shirts.)
BOIMLER: Whoa. Er, what's with the civilian shuttle, sir.
RANSOM: You me and Billups are going on a little undercover mission.
BOIMLER: Oh cool. I love spy stuff Oh, do we get to wear the black body suits?
RANSOM: Better. As of now, we're just a trio of vacation bros. Call me Zack Ransom.
BILLUPS: And I'm Gilbert Manhandle, literary dilettante with a gambling addiction.
RANSOM: Nobody's gonna remember that. You can be Zandy Billups.
BILLUPS: Fine. But I'm still gambling addict.
(Jet is being pushed on a grav-stretcher.)
MARINER: Whoa. Jet, what happened to you?
JET: Commander Ransom did.
BOIMLER: what do you mean?
JET: Just went on a mission and lost both my hands. Hurts like hell, and I can't scratch my nose.
BOIMLER: Oh. Oh, my God, that's horrible.
JET: Doctor T's gonna grow me a new set, but Ransom is bad, man. Real bad.
BOIMLER: What do you mean?
JET: The whole mission, he kept making me do the dangerous stuff. I got ordered to lift the rock and like 50 piranha bats flew out. Bye-bye, hands. He uses guys like us as canaries in coal mines. Better we get our hands eating him.
BOIMLER: So, er, why do you need me? I've never been on a spy mission.
RANSOM: Don't worry, you're exactly what I need.
BILLUPS [OC]: I really wanna be Gilbert Manhandle.
RANSOM: No, you gotta be something normal like Zandy.

[Buffet & Pool]

T'LYN: Mariner, I find it odd that you have never mentioned that you have a girlfriend.
MARINER: I don't. Jennifer and I broke up like forever ago.
TENDI: Are you sure you broke up?
MARINER: Yes! You know, actually, okay, now I'm remembering she dumped me. She gave me back a candle,
JENNIFER: Babe, get over here. You're gonna love this.
T'LYN: Hmm. She does not appear to share your assessment.
RUTHERFORD: There's still bionic residue on this lamp. Glumpus was here for sure.
TENDI: Glumpus?
RUTHERFORD: I decided to give the nanites a name, since they glump so much.
TENDI: Aw, cute.
JENNIFER: Hmm. Scans indicate the cluster...
RUTHERFORD: Glumpus!
JENNIFER: Sorry, the Glumpus consumed this cart's electrical system.
T'LYN: It appears to be harvesting material and power for self replication.
JENNIFER: Which means we can use an energy cell to lure it in. Be right back. Mwah.
MARINER: She totally thinks we're still together. This is nuts.
T'LYN: Perhaps she has a brain parasite.
MARINER: Yes.
TENDI: I already scanned for that. She's clear. Ah, I'm so happy to be back scanning.
RUTHERFORD: How did it go when you came back to the Cerritos?
MARINER: I couldn't have been any clearer. Okay, here's how it went. I saw her in the bar, and instead of talking I just walked right past her. So...
TENDI: But you said we need to break up, right?
MARINER: Of course I did. With silence. Oh my God, we never fully broke up. I just assumed it was clear. Well, we haven't said a word to each other in like forever.
T'LYN: Assumptions are anathema to communication.
MARINER: Your anathema. Fine. All right, I messed up. I guess I'll go break her stupid heart, since that's what you all seem to want. Hey Jennifer.
JENNIFER: Sorry I ran off. I just had this great idea for how to catch the Glumpus. It'll do wonders for my transfer application.
MARINER: I just wanted to... Wait. What transfer?
JENNIFER: I wasn't sure how to tell you. I was offered a promotion to the Manitoba. This is my final mission with the Cerritos.
MARINER: Oh, thank God. I mean... What? Babe...
JENNIFER: Mmm. I know it means the end of Jariner, but I couldn't turn it down.
MARINER: Jariner?
JENNIFER: There's a bunch of Andorians on the 'Toba. It's a perfect spot for me to advance, as long as nothing goes wrong on this mission.
MARINER: Oh, I'm really happy for you, babe. Now, let's just focus on having a great last day together.
JENNIFER: Aw, thanks, babe. I love how well we talk things out.
MARINER: Ha. That's us. Just a couple of chatty chattersons.
TENDI: Well, how did she take it?
MARINER: She didn't have to. Lucky for me the whole thing just kind of worked itself out. I'll be avoiding a messy emotional conversation once again. Now, let's catch ourselves a Glumpus.

[Risa Bar]

(Boimler is putting on sun screen.)
RANSOM: No need for that. The sun here is artificial. It knows when you've been sufficiently tanned.
BOIMLER: Oh, you know, just trying to be extra safe today. You know me, all about safety.
BILLUPS: Admiral Milius charged a few hundred Salurian Coladas to a tab at this bar.
RANSOM: We should split up, see if anybody saw him. Mister Boimler, why don't you ask those Gallamites?
BOIMLER: Oh. Okay. How about I go talk to those very friendly looking guys instead?
RANSOM: Kreetassans? Huh. Love the initiative, Boimler.
BOIMLER: Hey there, fellas. I'm just an average vacationer like you. I love leisure, etc.
KREETASSAN: Oh! How dare you drink in front of us!
BOIMLER: Oh, is that alcohol frowned upon in your culture?
(Bites into a piece of fruit.)
KREETASSAN 2: That does it, you pervert!
RANSOM: Whoa, whoa, whoa. My bro is ignorant of your ways. He did not mean to offend. I'm so sorry you had to see that.
KREETASSAN: Filthy. What a filthy little man.
KREETASSAN 2: It's gonna be okay.
RANSOM: Kreetassans consider eating to be more intimate than mating. I thought you knew that.
BOIMLER: Oh, I do. I'm sorry. I guess my mind's just been on other things.
RANSOM: Apparently one of Milius's acolytes spends a lot of time at the top of that huge dangerous mountain. Better get climbing.
BOIMLER: Oh.

[Buffet & Pool]

JENNIFER: If we just put this energy cell here, the Glumpus should be drawn right to it.
RUTHERFORD: I'm not so sure about this. We don't really know how Glumpus processes energy.
MARINER: Just give her a win. That is a great plan, sweetie.
(T'Lyn sees a poster advertising Krog on the rocks tonight!)
T'LYN: Curious.
MARINER: Don't waste those big Vulcan brain juices, T'Lyn. He's just a novelty beach crooner.
T'LYN: Krog is my favourite musician.
MARINER: Oh, sorry. I... I've heard he's very... tropical.
T'LYN: He is a master of the Vibe Tubes.
JENNIFER: Babe, babe, babe. Look it's working. Dang it.
MARINER: Hey, that was close. You know, we could try phasering the energy cell, get it charged up so it's more enticing.
RUTHERFORD: That's a little dangerous. Er, why don't we just wait carefully until it comes back?
JENNIFER: I'm fine with that. Just means more time to spend cuddling up with my snuggle fluff.
MARINER: Nope, nope, no time. Let's boost it.
(Mariner zaps the cell, the Glumpus pounces and springs the trap.)
MARINER: All right, let's scoop up this bad boy so we can get out of here.
JENNIFER: Why do you sound so eager to end our final mission together?
MARINER: I mean, I just... I er... I have... I have like a ton of work.
(An enlarged Glumpus bursts out of the trap.)
MARINER: Looks like we're not done yet.
(They give chase in a hover-buggy.)

[Top of cable car lift]

(Our trio have climbed up the hard way.)
RANSOM: I think I see our target. She's a Denobulan, right, Zandy? Zandy? Gilbert?
BILLUPS: Yep, that's her. if we want to get invited to Milius's compound, she's the one to talk to.
RANSOM: looks like she's about to hit the slopes. See if you can get in good with her, Mister Boimler.
(She is standing by a sign saying Cowards Gulch smooth and easy.)
BOIMLER: Okay. Yeah, there are a lot of kids on that hill. I can handle this. See at the bottom brahs. This canary is about to fly. Whoops. Oh boy. Easy does it.
RANSOM: Canary?
BILLUPS: It's hard to think of an animal that's good at skiing.
(She skis to the edge of a sheer drop. Warning. Experts Demise.)
BOIMLER: Wait, wait, wait. How do you make the gravity stop? Ah!

[Ski slope]

ALIEN SKIER: Get off me!
BOIMLER: Ah! It's my first time. Please just help me get down the hill.
ALIEN SKIER: You're grabbing my genitals!
BOIMLER: Why would they be on your back?
ALIEN SKIER: Where else would they be?
(Boimler fails to stop and goes screaming over a cliff.)

[Bottom of cliff]

DENOBULAN: Wow, I've never seen someone go off that cliff and live.
BOIMLER: Phew, yeah. Guess I'm lucky that Starfleet keeps me in space most of the time. My bones aren't very dense, so...
DENOBULAN: You're Starfleet? Admiral, Starfleet is here. You have to get out of there fast.
RANSOM: Damn it! What the hell was that, Mister Boimler?
BILLUPS: Well, I was able to trace the comm. At least we've got the Admiral's location.
RANSOM: Yeah, but now he knows we're coming. Next time, try to have a little fortitude in the face of danger.

[Theatre]

MARINER: We need to split up. Jennifer, T'Lyn, Rutherford, you check the balcony. Tendi and I...
JENNIFER: You're splitting us up?
MARINER: Ah. My sweet loving girlfriend and I will take the balcony. The rest of you check the orchestra.
JENNIFER: Are you trying to get rid of me?
MARINER: No, I'm just trying to find this Glumpus so you don't jeopardise your transfer.
JENNIFER: Wow, that's so thoughtful of you. Thank you so much.
MARINER: Jennifer. This is bananas. How could she possibly think we're a couple?
T'LYN: Perhaps because you are pretending to be?
MARINER: I mean before today.
RUTHERFORD: Everyone's relationships look different in Starfleet. We're always on away missions or separate shifts, or getting transformed into things. Was she on that team that got turned into crystals?
MARINER: I don't know. We never talk.
TENDI: It seems like she's just trying to make it work. Like your parents do.
MARINER: Yeah. God. Oh, you're right. Damn it. Jennifer, wait up.

[River]

(Rafting in tyre tubes.)
BOIMLER: Huh, this lazy river seems like it's getting pretty choppy.
RANSOM: Billups, how much further to the compound?
BILLUPS: At our meandering speed, 15 minutes?
BOIMLER: Er, that cave is not looking lazy.
RANSOM: Could be a trap. Mister Boimler, head in there and report.
BOIMLER: You just said it could be a trap.
RANSOM: I'm trying to give you a win here, brah.
BOIMLER: I am not your brah, okay?
BILLUPS: Shh. You might want to keep your voices down.
BOIMLER: And I'm not your coal mine canary either. I am a good officer!
(Their tyres are punctured by blow darts, then they get surrounded by acolytes.)
BOIMLER: Okay, maybe not the best officer.

[Theatre stage]

TENDI: Maybe we can incapacitate Glumpus with a localized electromagnetic pulse.
RUTHERFORD: Maybe a magnetic net?
T'LYN: A magnetic net may be difficult to obtain. Perhaps we...
TENDI: T'Lyn? What's wrong?
RUTHERFORD: Oh Krog's Vibe Tubes. This must be where he's playing tonight.
T'LYN: I am having difficulties maintaining my focus in anticipation of Krog's propinquity.
TENDI: Oh, we should all go, if his instruments don't get eaten.

[Balcony]

(Sound and lights control.)
MARINER: Are you sure this is the best place to be looking for nanites, babe?
JENNIFER: It's attracted to energy, sweetie.
MARINER: Oh yes, I know, honey. Your stupid plan just made it huge, remember?
JENNIFER: Are you fucking kidding me? You're the one who phasered the power cell.
MARINER: To make you happy.
JENNIFER: Are you sure there isn't anything you want to get off your chest, my love?
MARINER: I just want you to get your transfer. Isn't that what you want?
(The Glumpus is looming over them.)
JENNIFER: What I want is for you to admit that you're... Oh shit. Don't move.
MARINER: What?
JENNIFER: It's a...
(Mariner counts the segments rapidly.)
MARINER: Icosahedron! Oh my God. Run!
(The giant 20-faced die rolls through to the stage.)
MARINER: That thing just ate our friends!

[AWOL Falls - A Latinum Elite Guest Experience]

ACOLYTE: Congrats on being hostages in AWOL Falls. An ideal place to hide from Command. Can I get you a refreshment?
BOIMLER: Maybe a spritz?
RANSOM: You can't hold us here forever.
REDHEAD: The Admiral has requested a private audience.
BOIMLER: Guys, tell him I'm not the canary.
BILLUPS: He's not the canary, you monsters!
RANSOM: What's that even mean?
BILLUPS: I don't know.

[Indoor pool]

BOIMLER: Okay, look, before you hurt me just know that I'm too frail to torture. Too much pain and I'll just die. You're gonna be disappointed.
MILIUS: Lieutenant Junior Grade Bradward Boimler. I've been watching you all day.
SKIIER [on screen]: You're grabbing my genitals!
BOIMLER: You knew we were coming?
MILIUS: I'm a Latinum Elite Guest. The front desk calls whenever a Starfleet team shows up to try and capture me. But an idea can't be captured.
BOIMLER: I'm pretty sure we can capture you, you know, because you're just a guy wearing open-toed sandals.
MILIUS: I'm more than just a guy. You and I are cut from the same cloth.
BOIMLER: You're an Admiral.
MILIUS: That doesn't matter. They don't care about us. We've been thrown to the wolves by our superiors.
BOIMLER: Is that why you went AWOL? Command gave you dangerous missions?
MILIUS: Worse. They gave me boring ones. I spent years in Starfleet hoping to land a meaningful, prestigious post to study rare phenomena, to discover new life. But do you know what insufferable missions my ships were given?
BOIMLER: Er... Borg stuff?
MILIUS: The milking of space whales!
BOIMLER: Oh, what kind? The Gormagander or those Galaxy's Child things?
MILIUS: All of them! I dedicated my life to Starfleet and was relegated to an interstellar dairy farmer! No matter how far up the ladder you climb, there's always someone higher up pouring hot garbage down on us.
BOIMLER: But you're an Admiral. Who was doing that to you?
MILIUS: The system. The dream assignments never come, which hurts me just as much as you are by being thrown into danger. You want peace, safety and extended happy hour on Mondays? Then go AWOL with me.
BOIMLER: Happy hour does sound happy.

[Cosmic Duchess streets]

(The Glumpus barrels through the streets chased by Mariner and Jennifer. It scoops up Krog on the way.)
MARINER: Hang on, guys, we're coming.
JENNIFER: Stay cool. Conserve oxygen.
(Mariner fires a net at it, which hits Krog. They run out of road and end up clinging to a palm tree by the shore.)
MARINER: I can't believe we're gonna get killed by a goddamn icosahedron. This is all my fault.
JENNIFER: I am the one who set that stupid trap.
MARINER: Yeah, but I encouraged you to like juice it up because I wanted this day to end. Here we go. Jennifer, we aren't a couple. We broke up a year ago.
JENNIFER: Yeah, I know.
MARINER: Wait, what, you do? but the... the babe-ing and the kissing and the...
JENNIFER: I was fucking with you.
MARINER: What? Why?
JENNIFER: Because we never officially broke up and I wanted you to admit it.
MARINER: No, well, we didn't have some like big emotional performative talk about it, but I think it was pretty clear.
JENNIFER: Yeah, it was all on your terms though. You didn't give me a chance to apologise. You just phased me out. It sucked.
MARINER: I was getting shipped off to Starbase 80. Everyone thought I was a traitor. Even my mom. I needed you to have my back when nobody else did.
JENNIFER: I only liked dating you because of how bad you were. It didn't even occur to me that you might have been innocent.
MARINER: Yeah, I guess I could be pretty bad.
JENNIFER: We both could. Clearly.
MARINER: Okay, then. Jennifer, I'm officially breaking up with you.
JENNIFER: I officially accept.
RUTHERFORD [OC]: Mariner, do you read? I'm in the Glumpus.
MARINER: Ruthie. Are you okay?

[Glumpus]

RUTHERFORD: I just detected a signal that's controlling the nanites from in here with me.

[Promenade]

RUTHERFORD [OC]: If you can disrupt it, it should be able to deactivate the swarm.
MARINER: But it absorbs energy.
JENNIFER: Wait. Do you think you can trust me one last time?

[AWOL Falls]

RANSOM: Boimler, listen to me. We didn't bring you with us to be expendable. We brought you because you're reliable and smart.
BILLUPS: Plus you're wiry. And we always need a wiry guy.
BOIMPER: Really?
BILLUPS: Yeah, I mean, on the frail scale, nobody else on the Cerritos comes close.
BOIMLER: You didn't want me as a human shield?
RANSOM: No. You're good at problem solving and you can crawl through ducts.
BILLUPS: And that's like 99% of most undercover ops.
RANSOM: I was trying to give you a chance to show us how brave you are. In hindsight, that probably came off as pretty cruel.
MILIUS: They're lying to you, Mister Boimler. Why did he throw you into danger all day?
RANSOM: Because I knew he could handle it. You're a capable, prepared officer. Extremely prepared to an unhealthy degree.
BOIMLER: You noticed. Oh, well.
(Applies sunscreen.)
MILIUS: Sorry, Commander. Looks like Mister Boimler's made his decision.
BOIMLER: You're damn right I have.
(Squirts sunscreen in Milius's face.)
MILIUS: Stop him!
REDHEAD: He's too greasy and wiry.
ACOLYTE: It's like trying to grab a string bean.
(He frees Ransom and Billups.)

[Cosmic Duchess streets]

(Mariner throws something to the ground from the top of a building.)
MARINER: Are you sure this will work?
JENNIFER: Nope, but we're out of time.
(She phasers it and attracts the Glumpus. It rolls on top of it.)
JENNIFER: Jump!

[Glumpus]

RUTHERFORD: We need to disrupt the signal.
JENNIFER: That's still the plan.
(She presents T'Lyn with the Vibe Tubes.)
JENNIFER: Hit it, T'Lyn.
(T'Lyn plays.)
RUTHERFORD: It's working. Keep vibing.
(The Glumpus disintegrates.)

[AWOL Falls]

MILIUS: Quickly, my acolytes, it's almost happy hour. I must escape to the Diamond Lounge. Throw yourselves at them. Sacrifice your very lives!
REDHEAD: That's not really the vibe we're here for.
MAN: Yeah, I should probably be getting back. My wife thinks I'm at the buffet.
(The acolytes leave.)
MILIUS: No, you can't force me to return. I'll be put in charge of a fleet that's stationed at Starbase 80 or something.
RANSOM: Sorry, brah, but the vacation's over.
BOIMLER: And I still have my hands. Both of them.

[Cosmic Duchess plaza]

T'LYN: You are Krog on the Rocks.
KROG: That is correct. And you are Vulcan.
T'LYN: I apologise for playing your Vibe Tubes. It was presumptuous.
KROG: That is illogical. You have saved my life.
T'LYN: You practice logic?
KROG: In my ongoing quest for inner chill, I have become an adoptee of Vulcan meditative practices. I am a big fan of your work.
T'LYN: And I of yours.
MARINER: Well, even though we weren't a great couple, I guess we make a decent team.
JENNIFER: I guess so.
MARINER: I'm sorry I made you sit on your feelings for a whole year. I really went out of my way to avoid a direct conversation, huh?
JENNIFER: Look you're talking to someone who pretended to still be in a relationship to trick her ex into fully breaking up with her. I'm sorry too.
MARINER: We really are sort of chaotic.
JENNIFER: That's why we were fun.
RUTHERFORD: Whoa, check this out. The nanites weren't acting independently.
MARINER: What does that mean?
RUTHERFORD: That signal. They were being controlled by a single microscopic ship.
MARINER: Wait, is that an intrepid class?
RUTHERFORD: They're hailing us.
TERSAL [on PADD]: Oh, Starfleet, thank God. This is Captain Tersal of the Endeavor. Our ship was pulled through some sort of parallel universe fissure. We've been through a month of hell!
MARINER: A month?
FREEMAN [OC]: Captain's log, supplemental. A routine nanite relocation has unexpectedly become a rescue mission. A federation starship from a dimension of a much smaller scale was stranded in ours. Their attempts at gathering power and materials to create their own dimensional gate appeared to us as a destructive swarm.

[Science lab 4005]

TERSAL [on screen]: Thank you again for providing us with safe harbour, Captain Freeman.
FREEMAN: I just wish we were able to devise a way to send you back home. We've encountered a fissure similar to the one that pulled you here, but we can't recreate it.
TERSAL [on screen]: I appreciate the effort. Perhaps we're doomed to live out our days the size of an amoeba.
FREEMAN: Well, we might not have the resources, but Mister Boimler here was able to pull some strings with an admiral.
MILIUS: I'll be cancelling all previous missions and focusing solely on getting you home, Captain Tersal.
TERSAL [on screen]: Admiral Milius? You exist in my dimension too, but there you just milk whales.
MILIUS: Er, yes, well, that's not the case here.

[Bar]

TENDI: T'Lyn, I got you something.
T'LYN: Hmm. It appears someone has defaced this image.
TENDI: What? No. It's Krog's autograph.
T'LYN: It holds no scientific value.
TENDI: Oh. I guess I can recycle it.
T'LYN: I should keep it in my quarters, in case I need to study handwriting in the future.
JENNIFER: Hey. About to head off to the Manitoba. I'm glad we finally talked.
MARINER: Yeah, last time when I was leaving, neither of us handled it very well. Good luck with the new gig, babe.
JENNIFER: Thanks, babe. This is the first time I haven't been mortal enemies with an ex. Exciting.
BOIMLER: I'm proud of you, Mariner. Sounds like you had a tough conversation.
MARINER: Sure. I mean, I took a giant destructive ball of nanites to get me there, but still.
BOIMLER: It counts.
MARINER: So Milius agreed to help the micro-ship get back home?
BOIMLER: Yep. He even showered. I managed to show a full-blown admiral how rewarding Starfleet can be. How cool is that?
RANSOM: Great work, Lieutenant. I told you, always good to have a wiry guy.
BOIMLER: Thank you, sir.
RANSOM: Have you seen Ensign Manhaver? We're going to a lava planet to try and wrangle some crystalline spiders. He loves dangerous stuff. Figured he'd want in. Oh, there he is, behind the bar.
BOIMLER: Oh, fuck. He sees you, Jet! Run!
RANSOM: Hey, get back here. This is gonna be fun. There's gonna be magma.
JET: I just got these hands!