[Qo'noS - Farm]

MA'AH: Prepare to taste defeat. I shall not be bested by some dishonourable swine.
(He is a farmer trying to catch an animal.)
MA'AH: Come back here.
MALOR: Oh, no. The great Captain Ma'ah, taken down by a puny targ. Perhaps you are more comfortable daintily sitting on a bridge than getting your hands dirty.
MA'AH: Silence. I will teach this targ who to respect.
MALOR: Did you fall this much on your ships, brother? You seem to be at home on the ground.
MA'AH: One day I will return to battle, which is more than I can say for you. What are you doing to our ship?
MALOR: I'm making it look fierce with the jaws of the brush devil that I felled.
MA'AH: Felled? You ran over it by accident.
MALOR: Well, that counts. That was extremely honourable.
MA'AH: You're a fool.
(Comms chirp. A Federation symbol.)
MALOR: Who's that?
MA'AH: No one. A Ferengi Scammer.
MOTHER [OC]: Ma'ah, Malor, we have blood wine to deliver. Hurry up.
MALOR: Coming.
MA'AH: Yes, Mother. Well, are you going to help me?
MALOR: Ha. You are beyond help, brother.

[Shuttle]

(Loading up the bloodwine.)
MARINER [on screen]: Hey, Ma'ah. Wait, wait, wait. Don't do it.
(Dagger through the screen.)
MALOR: Er, why is a human calling you?
MA'AH: I don't care.
(Landing in a city.)
MA'AH: Ah, the Warrior Pit. I spent many nights here as a young...
MALOR: PetaQ?
MA'AH: I am not a petaQ. Your stupid bones caught the decorative horns.
(Shuttle crashes.)
BOUNCER: Oh, look. Special delivery from the petaQ.
MA'AH: Let's get this over with.

[Warrior Pit]

BARMAN: You're late. I've had nothing to serve but bahgol. These drunks are too sober to brawl.
MA'AH: The day's harvest was arduous.
K'ELARRA: Ma'ah? When did you return? I heard you were given command.
MA'AH: K'Elarra. I did not expect to see you in this pugh-gegh.
BARMAN: Hey.
K'ELARRA: The thrash lute player asked me to watch his performance.
MA'AH: So you are in par'Ma'ah with him?
K'ELARRA: Ha! Don't make me laugh. I'm much more attracted to captains.
MALOR: Ha. If only there was a captain here.
MA'AH: Silence, Malor.
K'ELARRA: What does he mean?
MA'AH: I was stripped of my captaincy for allowing my crew to mutiny.
MALOR: The whole family was shamed. It was hilarious.
K'ELARRA: Well, I'm sure you captained with honour. I remember you always screaming about honour. It was hot.
MALOR: Ma'ah also screamed this morning when he was headbutted by a small targ.
K'ELARRA: If you were to regain your command, you would be captain of a new ship?
MALOR: Don't count on that. Ma'ah killed Bargh's brother.
MA'AH: Dorg was a traitor to the Empire. I have no regrets.
MALOR: I'll bet his brother does.
MA'AH: Enough!
K'ELARRA: A Klingon is not defined by rank.
MARINER: Oh, shit. If it isn't my old cha'DIch. Why have you been ducking my calls, pal?
K'ELARRA: You fraternise with Starfleet humans? Bah!
MARINER: Wow, was that your girlfriend? Ooo, what crawled up her boob window and died? Anyway, what are we drinking? Ha. Classic Ma'ah.

[Corridor. Praxon IV orbit]

TENDI: Doctor Migleemo, I've never seen you this nervous before. Not even when I made you fight that giant Orion.
MIGLEEMO: Today is much higher stakes. I'm meeting two of my species' greatest scholars.
RUTHERFORD: Scholars? I thought they were food critics.
MIGLEEMO: Precisely. We Klowahkans invented warp travel in the hopes of discovering strange new meals. Sir Legnog and Madame Gondald's reviews are akin to scripture. Their work goes beyond umami. How's my plumage?
RUTHERFORD: Downy.

[Warrior Pit]

BOIMLER: Yee, I can't believe we're in the Warrior Pit. This is the bar where Martok killed 12 'urwl'pu'.
MA'AH: No, that Warrior Pit is in the Ketha Lowlands. It is a chain.
BOIMLER: Still exciting. Look at that diktagh.
MARINER: Sorry for Boimler. He's going through a big Klingon phase lately.
MA'AH: What are you doing here?
MARINER: Oh, so Starfleet dug up an ancient Klingon warrior skull on some weird-ass planet. Needed somebody to return it to your museum of, like, bones or whatever. I dropped it off, then looked you up.
MA'AH: Your presence is a burden. Leave now.
MARINER: No can do. See, I just heard you lost your captaincy, and I'm gonna help you get it back. Mmm, you make this?
MALOR: Yeah, our family has spent generations perfecting the bloodiness.
MARINER: Ooo, who's this tall drink of er... water? Water. You guys have water, right?
MA'AH: Yes, we have water. Malor is my brother and I am not interested in your charity.
MARINER: Hey, look, you really helped me back on Sherbal V, all right? I just want to return the favour.
MA'AH: You owe me nothing. Be gone.
MARINER: I do owe you. Because of the er... Edict of Unreturned Favours. It's a human thing, from Earth.
MA'AH: Do you speak the truth?
MARINER: Yes, I do. You know, if we do not return favours, we get fed to a bear. Hey, Boimler, tell Ma'ah about the edict of unreturned favours.
BOIMLER: What? Oh, yeah, right, we get fed to a bear. Man, it is so awesome in here. A Klingon threw me.
MARINER: How are you so comfortable with violence all of a sudden? Weren't you just afraid of skiing?
BOIMLER: And I came out stronger. It's all in the beard, baby.
MARINER: We er, we're calling that a beard, huh?
MA'AH: Your aid would be pointless. The Oversight Council has refused to hear my appeal. It is better you train to fight the bear.
BOIMLER: What if you request the ritual of J'ethurgh?
MA'AH: Do not talk to me of Klingon rituals, boy. I live by the ancient ways.
MALOR: Yeah, that means he doesn't know what you're talking about.
BOIMLER: It's a ritual that allows a discharged captain to reclaim their command. It was last triggered over 300 years ago by Captain Jokor when he was involuntarily added to another crew via the Rite of Forced Conscription. You guys have a lot of rituals.
MALOR: Oh, this human is full of words.
BOIMLER: What can I say? I love Klingon bureaucratic minutiae.
MARINER: Come on, Ma'ah. You can force the Council to hear your case. Look, do it, and I will leave you alone forever. Deal?
MA'AH: Fine. But do not make a spectacle about it.
BOIMLER: Woo-hoo! This is gonna be so freaking awe...
MARINER: We should get out of here.
BOIMLER: Do you think that means they respect me?

[Transporter room]

FREEMAN: Welcome aboard the Cerritos. We are happy to escort you back to Klowahka.
GONALD: Sweet and sour hell, look at this place, Legnog.
LEGNOG: Oh, classic Starfleet. Let me guess, you never vacuumed the carpet?
FREEMAN: Excuse me?
LEGNOG: I guess we can put up with this eyesore of a ship. Praxon IV did a number on our engines.
GONALD: Probably due to its proximity to the blandest food we've ever tasted.
FREEMAN: Doctor Migleemo, I think you should take over before I say something undiplomatic.
MIGLEEMO: It is a delicious honour, your graces.
GONALD: A Klowahkan in Starfleet? Shouldn't you be discovering new soups and stews?
MIGLEEMO: I've encountered a few chowders.
GONALD: Lead us to our rooms. And cover my eyes. I don't want to see the halls.
MIGLEEMO: Aren't they wonderful?

[Oversight Council Chambers]

BIKER: Experience bij!
BIKER 2: You experience bij!
KLINGON: Behold, the Klingon Oversight Council.
MARINER: Oh, K'Orin, you old drunk, what are you doing here?
MA'AH: Do not speak to the general like that. He is a war hero.
K'ORIN: Ha. Guess I wasn't done sleeping off last night's feast. Mariner! Brimbo! It is good to see you both.
BOIMLER: It's Boimler, actually, but I'm honoured to be even remotely remembered.
MA'AH: You... you know each other?
MARINER: Yeah, we violated some treaties back in the day. Hey, since when are you on the Oversight Council?
K'ORIN: Since I threw my back out disembowelling a Romulan spy.
BARGH: K'Orin. Return to your seat. You have embarrassed yourself enough without fraternising with humans.
K'ORIN: Yes, Bargh, O glorious leader.
BARGH: Ma'ah, my brother's murderer, your request for an appeal is yet again denied. As long as I'm in charge of this council, you will never step foot on a ship.
BOIMLER: Er, excuse me, your er, Council-ness? Ma'ah has initiated the Ritual of J'ethurgh.
BARGH: What is this smooth-headed worm mewling about?
ENAJ: He mewls correctly. The ancient texts state that a discharged captain can be restored via tests of endurance, strength, and sacrifice.
BARGH: Give me that! Ah, but Ma'ah must also have a quv beq of at least four companions. He's one short.
MA'AH: He's right. This is the lost cause.
MARINER: Ooo, hold up. Let me just go get something out of the truck. Here we go, our fourth.
MA'AH: Malor can barely pass wind, much less a trial.
MALOR: I pass wind.
BARGH: Look at these lujwl'pu. It appears I have no choice but to allow the ritual to proceed. First test, the Rite of Unending Pain.
BOIMLER: Oh, unending pain? Ah, this is gonna be Klingon as hell.

[Mess hall]

GONALD: Oh, the light in here. Captain, have you ever heard of a candle?
FREEMAN: Starfleet lighting has been scientifically attuned to suit all living beings.
LEGNOG: Oh, well, then I must have died and gone to fluorescent hell.
MIGLEEMO: Esteemed scholars, I present to you the most delectable meals on the Cerritos. Au jus Mordanian beef loin, and mac and cheese with breaded top.
GONALD: Great feathered god, I've never tasted anything so tasteless.
LEGNOG: Unbearably bland. I might as well be eating wallpaper.
MIGLEEMO: But I programmed the replicator myself.
GONALD: Replicated? Blasphemy!
LEGNOG: How dare you call yourself a chef?
MIGLEEMO: Well, I don't. I'm a psychologist. More of a chef of the mind.
GONALD: Psychologist? Guard, vatch me as I performatively faint.
LEGNOG: Gabers Migleemo, you are an insult to Klowahkans everywhere.
FREEMAN: Sir Legnog, while you are on my ship, you will not strike my crew.
MIGLEEMO: No, Captain. I deserve this flapping.
LEGNOG: Indeed you do, heretic.
GONALD: Guards, storm me out of here.
MIGLEEMO: What was I thinking? Now they'll write me into the Book of the Flavourless.
TENDI: Don't listen to them, Doctor Migleemo. They're dramatic jerks.
RUTHERFORD: Maybe if you cook them a dish, they'll respect you again.
MIGLEEMO: A yeasty lump loaf of an idea. Quickly, to my quarters.

[Oversight Council Chamber]

BARGH: The Rite of Unending Pain symbolises Kahless's passage through the field of thorns, enduring violence with every step.
BOIMLER: Once Kahless made it across the field, he tore the thorns from his legs and used them to kill Fek'lhr. Oh yes, it was badass.
MA'AH: Yes, yes, I know all about Kahless's thorn murders.
BARGH: With each step, you will be struck by painstiks. As you pass each marker, their voltage doubles.
MALOR: Well, I'm out.
MARINER: No, hey, come on, man. Do it for your brother.
MALOR: I don't care about my brother.
MARINER: Okay then, how about for a thousand darseks?
MALOR: I will stand with Ma'ah.
BARGH: tagh'jaj qaD!
BOIMLER: Gah! I can't believe I'm getting painstiked. Ah! So Klingon.
BARGH: They're approaching the red. Set the final painstiks to full charge.
MA'AH: The pain is already too much, and there is yet another marker to pass.
MALOR: Do not accept defeat so easily, brother.
BOIMLER: Wait a minute, the maximum painstik voltage is like 30,000 volts.
MARINER: Can one person even handle that much voltage?
BOIMLER: No. Quick, everyone, get on Malor.
MALOR: What? What? Get off me, petaQ.
BOIMLER: If we create a connection between the four of us, the voltage will spread evenly through our bodies.
MA'AH: No, this is ludi... Argh!
MALOR: Get over here and clutch me, you coward.
MARINER: Come on, Ma'ah. We have to try.
BARGH: This is over. No one gets through the red. They would die.
MA'AH: This is humiliating. Just go.
MALOR: It's working. The petaQ was right.
BARGH: You look a qoH. Clinging to your brother like an infant.
MARINER: Just keep going.
MALOR: We made it.
(All collapse.)
MARINER: Boims, you're a genius.
K'ORIN: Thought you had them, eh, Bargh?
BARGH: Congratulations, Ma'ah. You've passed the test with the help of the weakest human I've ever seen. Truly officer material.
MARINER: Ah, forget him, Ma'ah. We did it.
MA'AH: Yes, I suppose we did.

[Migleemo's quarters]

MIGLEEMO: Excellent, excellent. Incredible dicing, Ms. Tendi.
TENDI: Assassin training.
RUTHERFORD: My implant says the sauce is ready, Doctor Chef.
MIGLEEMO: Pungent and astringent. It's perfect.
FREEMAN: Er, I'm not sure about this.
MIGLEEMO: Nonsense. This hogfish galantine has turned out as plorpful as those on Enara Prime.
(The guests arrive.)
MIGLEEMO: May I present one non-replicated dish.
GONALD: Enaran hogfish?
LEGNOG: One of the most complex dishes in the quadrant.
MIGLEEMO: Well, I could not have done it without my Starfleet friends.
LEGNOG: Oh, my throat! Oh, my god, the blandness. Have you Starfleet monsters ever heard of salt?
MIGLEEMO: It's covered in it.
GONALD: You're clearly trying to destroy our taste buds. Guards, arrest this heathen.
FREEMAN: Now, hold on a damn minute. You cannot arrest a member of my crew.
GONALD: Oh ho, are you attacking our sovereignty and our digestive systems?
MIGLEEMO: Carol, it's all right. I'm sure the punishment will be tolerable.
GONALD: We shall banish your entire family from the Great Seating Chart.
MIGLEEMO: Captain, help me!

[Oversight Council Chamber]

BARGH: Now, for the next challenge. Begin.
BOIMLER: Now that's a big targ. Am I catching it? It feels like I'm catching it.
MARINER: Man, this Bargh seems like he's full of crap, right, Ma'ah?
MA'AH: Yes, crap.
MARINER: Hey, snap out of it, pal. We got a targ to catch.
MA'AH: How could we possibly catch a beast this size?
MALOR: We each need to grab a leg.
MA'AH: You are a lazy HIq'ad. Why would I follow any plan of yours?
MARINER: I mean, I don't know, he seems pretty sure of himself.
MA'AH: Fine. You'll see.
MALOR: Then we charge, now.
(Brief struggle, it tosses Ma'ah, and suddenly...)
BOIMLER: We did it.
MALOR: Yeah, we did.
BARGH: You're not done yet. You must also... trim the beast's nails.
MARINER: What?
BARGH: And express its anal glands.
MALOR: Ooo, I got this. I've expressed thousands of anal glands.
MARINER: What? No, man. Stop. This is clearly just his targ. Hire a targ groomer, dude. You're just fucking with us.
BARGH: I'm allowed to fuck with you. This weakling killed my brother.
MARINER: Oh, a weakling killed your brother? Well, then your brother must have sucked.
BARGH: How dare you!
MA'AH: I'll cease this petty bickering. I am at Bargh's will.
ENAJ: Perhaps it would be prudent to mark this challenge complete.
BARGH: If they're so eager to get to the final trial, then let us do so. To demonstrate your allegiance to the Empire, you must choose a member of your crew for sacrifice.
MARINER: What?
MA'AH: I choose to sacrifice... myself.
MARINER: Ma'ah, no.
(Ma'ah kneels, the blade is raised.)
MARINER: Ma'ah, stop. It isn't honourable to give up your life for no reason.
MA'AH: Killing one of you would be meaningless slaughter. If I die, I take my honour to the grave.
BARGH: He has made his decision. Slay him.
K'ORIN: Perhaps it is reasonable to give them time to discuss. You know, let them squirm in anguish a bit.
BARGH: Hmm, yes, I suppose you're right. Fetch me if they begin pleading for their lives.
MARINER: Ma'ah, where is this defeatist attitude coming from? You've barely been trying all day.
MALOR: The human is right. You have behaved like month-old gagh, and not in a good way.
MA'AH: I should kill you for those words. But you are correct. My heart is not in the challenge.
BOIMLER: But we've got this. You can get your ship back.
MA'AH: I do not want to be a captain in Bargh's fleet any more.
MARINER: Then what are we doing out here?
MA'AH: Battling with a crew that has strength and honour. It has reminded me how much I hated serving on the Che'Ta.
MARINER: But you were captain.
MA'AH: Yes, but in Bargh's fleet. You have seen how he treats honour. Under his banner, I would not be able to hold my head high, even as a captain. My time in the stars is over.
BOIMLER: Stop being a qoH.
MA'AH: You dare insult me, human?
MARINER: Boims, read the room.
BOIMLER: Look, a while back I was transferred to one of the coolest ships in Starfleet. But I realised it just wasn't for me. So I transferred back to the Cerritos. That wasn't my plan, but it was the right move. You can still be a captain, just not in his crappy fleet. Klingons cannot simply transfer to a new ship when they please.
ENAJ: No, they need a two-thirds majority vote from the Oversight Council.
MALOR: But you would still have to select one of us to die.
BOIMLER: I'll do it.
MARINER: Shut up. You will not. But I actually think I may have an idea about how to handle that.

[Klowahka orbit - shuttlebay]

GONALD: Oh, you're going to hate Flavour Prison. It's the only place on the planet where we don't allow butter.
MIGLEEMO: A fate was the death.
RUTHERFORD: I just don't understand how the hogfish was so bad.
MIGLEEMO: I suppose it is no match for the wizened taste buds of Legnog and Gonald.
TENDI: I don't know. I've been reading their recent reviews. They say everything is bland.
MIGLEEMO: Chez DeSalle isn't bland. They've spent a hundred years perfecting their pod plant puree.
LEGNOG: Migleemo, hurry up. I don't want to miss the amuse-bouche.
FREEMAN: They serve an amuse-bouche in Flavour Jail?
MIGLEEMO: All arrivals to Klowahka are greeted with the traditional amuse-bouche. It will be the last decent morsel I ever taste.

[Bargh's room]

MA'AH: Bargh! I invoke the Rite of Forced Conscription.
BARGH: What are you talking about? That's not a real thing.
BOIMLER: Oh yes, it is.
K'ORIN: The ritual has been invoked and witnessed. You must now battle.
BARGH: What? This is chatlh. I refuse.
MA'AH: Then prepare for Sto-vo-Kor.

[Oversight Council Chamber]

(Fight with Bat'leth and what looks like a lirpa.)
BARGH: Enough, I yield. What is the point of this nonsense? You will still have to kill a member of your crew.
BOIMLER: And thanks to the forced conscription, you're now one of us.E
BARGH: Ho... ho... hold on now. Let us not be hasty.
ENAJ: It's right here in the ancient text.
MA'AH: Bargh, I select you to die. Unless, of course, you would rather simply grant me my captaincy.
BARGH: This is absurd.
K'ORIN: Rules are rules, Bargh You've been outmatched.
(Bargh stabs Ma'ah through the back.)
MA'AH: Coward.
(Pulls the blade back out.)
MA'AH: You are the one whose ashes shall pave Gre'thor.
(Kills Bargh.)
MALOR: Whoa, that was awesome, brother. Are you okay?
MA'AH: Better. I am victorious.

[Farm - by the shuttle]

K'ORIN: It appears your plan succeeded.
MA'AH: What plan?
MARINER: Starfleet didn't just send me with an old skull. I'm supposed to analyse a dimensional hole that opened in Klingon's space.
K'ORIN: Bargh despised the Federation. He refused to allow them into the system for any reason.
MARINER: I did not mean to get the guy killed. I just... I needed a Klingon captain to help me get my scans.
MA'AH: You fought alongside me, had your life threatened, all to scan a space hole?
MARINER: I mean, it's a really interesting hole.
MA'AH: You play games with death, little warrior. I like it. Now you know a captain. Let's get you the information you seek.
MALOR: You'll need a ship, brother. If you are not going back to the Che'Ta, who will you serve with?
MA'AH: I have something in mind.

[Klowahka arrival area]

GREETER: Welcome travellers and prisoner. Please enjoy a raw Klowahkan oyster with grubfruit and mignonette.
LEGNOG: Finally, some real food.
GONALD: Oh, delicious as always.
LEGNOG: Divine Klowahkan expertise.
MIGLEEMO: These oysters aren't delicious. They taste like shit.
FREEMAN: Ah ha! I knew it.
GREETER: What does she mean?
RUTHERFORD: These aren't your oysters. We swapped them with some manure we made with the replicator.
GREETER: Then why did you two moan in pleasure?
GONALD: They're lying. We are the best tasters in the galaxy.
GREETER: It's true. This is shit.
LEGNOG: We lost our sense of taste.
GONALD: We can't tell if things are sweet, salty, or gizzulent.
TENDI: Then why lie?
MIGLEEMO: They were terrified they'd be found out. A Klowahkan without a sense of taste is no Klowahkan at all.
GONALD: It's true. We're cursed.
MIGLEEMO: Conversion disorder. The pressure of producing criticism has caused you to lose the very thing that causes your stress.
GONALD: What are you talking about? Those aren't cooking words.
MIGLEEMO: Therapy, my good Gonald. I cook the mind.
LEGNOG: We're sorry for judging you. You really are a true Klowahkan, Doctor Migleemo.
GONALD: Can you help us?
MIGLEEMO: It will take many sessions, but yes. As long as you provide the high-end catering.
LEGNOG: Yes, yes, anything please.
GONALD: You will eat like a king.
TENDI: Is that ethical?
FREEMAN: Shh. Those two are punks. Just let him have his win.

[Farm]

(Shuttle lands.)
BOIMLER: Did you see the Cerritos replicators got a two-star review from Legnog and Gonald?
MARINER: What are you talking about? I don't care.
MALOR: Hey, did you get your data, Starfleet?
MARINER: Yeah, we've been assuming these dimensional rifts are a natural occurrence, but now it's looking like someone's making them.
MA'AH: Then it was a successful mission.
MALOR: So where in the fleet would you go now, brother?
MA'AH: I already have a truck which requires a captain.
MALOR: Are you fucking kidding me? But this is what I use to deliver our blood wine.
MA'AH: Martok started on a ship like this. I will command her with integrity and honour.
MALOR: Well, then I will stay on the farm.
MA'AH: You will not. I need a first officer, and I can think of no one better suited.
MALOR: Really? Even though I stink and piss you off, like all the time?
MA'AH: We can work on your stink, and our ship needs its first upgrade.
MALOR: Wait, that's my jaws. Brother, you are not such a petaQ after all.
MA'AH: As much as it pains me to say it, both of you have proven your toDuj. You would make an excellent Cha'DIch.
MARINER: Right back at you, man.
BOIMLER: He said I'm a freaking Cha'DIch.
MARINER: I'm going to get him out of here. Good luck with your new crew.
MALOR: Ow! Help, brother. I fell on the bones. I fell on the bones and can't feel my legs. Ow!
MA'AH: It will be my greatest challenge.
MALOR: I'm going to die here, brother.
MA'AH: Hold still.
MALOR: Ma'ah, I can see Kahless. The first one, the original one, the one that did impressions.
MA'AH: How did you even manage to get this that deep?
MALOR: I don't know. Ah!