[Repair shop]

(Changing out of wetsuits.)
RUTHERFORD: Oh, I'm pooped. Working on ocean planets really takes it out of you.
TENDI: I love cataloguing algae as much as anyone, but keep it to a thousand mutations or less.
BOIMLER: Yeah, I think I'm not going to come back to Piskes Nine until at least tenth contact.
MARINER: What are you talking about? That was fun.
TENDI: Hmm. Well, you don't have a fever.
MARINER: Oh, stop, stop. Sure, it was a lot of work that old Mariner would have definitely hated, but hey, that algae glowed in the dark.
TENDI: Oh, I love bioluminescence too. Mariner, I never took you for a seaweed girl.
MARINER: Not when you phrase it like that, I'm not. I don't know, I guess I'm just starting to enjoy missions without trying to fight the system or whatever. Doing granular science is what Starfleet's all about, and wow, I sound like a real Boimler right now.
BOIMLER: Yeah, cool as hell.
TENDI: You've really come a long way, Mariner. I find it inspiring.
MARINER: Ooo, I like red alerts too. Come on, danger time.

[Bridge]

RANSOM: Captain, we've dropped out of warp due to a navigational malfunction.
FREEMAN: Captain to Cetacean Ops. Lieutenant, what's your status?
KIMOLU [on screen]: Sorry, Cap, the navigation processor's spitting out random coordinates. We had to drop out of warp because we're flying blind.
MATT [on screen]: And it keeps shocking the water. Ah!
FREEMAN: Computer, shut down nav processing. We are supposed to be at a captain's conference on Casperia Prime in 24 hours. I'm hosting their first annual scatting battle.
RANSOM: Well, we aren't going to be anywhere unless we get the nav repaired. Mister. Boimler, are there any starbases within impulse?
BOIMLER: Yes, but you're not going to like it. The only station within reach is Starbase 80.
CREWMAN: Damn. Starbase 80?!
RANSOM: That's the worst Starbase in the quadrant.
MARINER: No, no, I am not going back to that hellhole. I'm a positive person now. I love algae.
FREEMAN: There's nowhere else?
BOIMLER: I mean, at full impulse, we could get to Deep Space Six in 400 years.
MARINER: That, let's do that. Mom, please, right? We can't go to Starbase 80. Let's just put out a distress call and drift until we get rescued.
FREEMAN: As much as I would love to never set foot on that station, we need a navigation processor. It's our only option. Mister Boimler, Starbase 80, full impulse.
MARINER: Noooo!
RANSOM: Are you going to do that the whole way there?

[Ready room]

(At Starbase 80.)
MARINER: Absolutely not. You can't make me go back. Put me in the brig. Shoot me into space.
FREEMAN: I don't want to be on SB80 any more than you do. When we crossed dimensions, the other me ran this pile of junk. Now, you've been here.
MARINER: Because you banished me.
FREEMAN: And I apologise for that. Is it really infested with fleas?
MARINER: Denobulan lice, and they itch like fuck. This place is cursed. I've already been here too long.
FREEMAN: We'll be in and out as fast as possible. I'm sure it won't be that bad.
RANSOM: Hey, Captain, Starbase 80's transporters aren't safe for organic use. They want us to rub down with some kind of gel.
MARINER: Ha! See? The curse begins.

[Decontamination room]

BOIMLER: Check me out. I'm a total T'Pol over here. Mare-Bear, get my back.
MARINER: Not if my life depended on it. Also, why do we have to decontaminate? They're the ones who are cursed, not us.
RUTHERFORD: Come on. You can't really believe in curses.
MARINER: I didn't use to, but I've seen it. A regular smart person spends too much time here, and somehow, through mysterious forces, they turn into a total buffoon.
TENDI: That's a little unscientific.
MARINER: Can science explain Q?
TENDI: Probably.
RANSOM: You gonna use all your gel?
MARINER: Ooo, hey man, I wouldn't use too much of that stuff. I think there's a reason they got rid of it.
RANSOM: I like to lay it on thick. Oh yeah, that's the stuff.

[Starbase 80]

RANSOM: Mariner, the ground isn't gonna fall out from under you.
MARINER: Last time I was here, I fell into an open ditch. Now I know what you're thinking. You're like, how can there be an open ditch on a Starbase? Well, anything's possible in hell.
NOX: Hiya, Cerritos crew! Welcome to Starbase 80. Kassia Nox, diplomatic liaison. We're so relieved Starfleet finally sent someone to repair our flux spectrometer.
FREEMAN: I'm afraid there's been a misunderstanding. The Cerritos was forced here due to a navigational malfunction. We need a new processor if you have one.
NOX: Oh, I see. Well, I'm sure we have a nav processor or two in storage, as long as you don't mind an older model.
FREEMAN: Well, the Cerritos isn't exactly cutting edge either. So older... it should be fine.
NOX: I'm sure my chief engineer can help you. He's down on level 15.
FREEMAN: Mariner, why don't you go see if you can help with any station repairs while we go and get the processor?
MARINER: Ooo, alternate idea. I would love to go back to the Cerritos and not help with anything.
FREEMAN: That's an order.
NOX: Looks like you're with me.
MARINER: Mom, come on. Please, please. Look, give me, give me holodeck waste removal duty. Anything that takes me back to the Cerritos. Please.
RUTHERFORD: Ah, man, these systems are all old and weird. I was dreaming about working on something new.
MARINER: Have you dreamed of being cursed?

[SB80 Corridor]

MARINER: So what crime did you commit to get you banished to Curse Town?
NOX: None. I volunteered.
MARINER: That's weird. You sure that's how it went down?
NOX: SB80 might not be the most glamorous starbase in the Federation, but it grows on you.
MARINER: Like a fungus.
NOX: Welcome to engineering. Watch your step.

[SB80 Engineering]

BOIMLER: Er...
(All cry out as they head 'upwards'.)
RUTHERFORD: Whoa, we're on the ceiling.
NOX: Oh, yeah, well, we're having a little trouble with the gravity plating.
TENDI: The fusion reactor is so cute. Oh, my gosh. And do you use wall comms?
NOX: The base hasn't experienced many upgrades since the 2260s. That's why it's so retro cool.
BOIMLER: See, Mariner? No curse here. Just a minimalist reactor room with a... corndog vendor?
NOX: That's Chad. You have to try his corndogs. They're incredible. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
MARINER: They have food vendors all over the base instead of replicators.
NOX: We've actually found that the absence of replicators has livened the station's culinary scene.
RUTHERFORD: Looks like the gravity stabilizer's working, just, you know, in the wrong direction. Rutherford to Commander Billups. SB80 has got some problems with their grav plating. Can you help out? Ah! Static.
MARINER: Yep, this place is charged up. Don't walk around in your socks.
TENDI: What was up with that incoherent moaning?
RUTHERFORD: Guess the breakfast burrito didn't sit well. Looks like I'm on my own.
NOX: Well, we still have the old schematics and storage that came with the station.
RUTHERFORD: Awesome!
MARINER: Wait, I thought Billups only ate hot cereals.
TENDI: Well, he's been working on his pickiness. I'm proud of him.
MARINER: Proud or concerned for out of character curse behaviour.
BOIMLER: It was a burrito, and Billups isn't even on SB80. He's back on the Cerritos.
MARINER: That's true. All right, maybe we're okay.
(A hatch opens and Billups is there.)

[SB80 Corridor]

FREEMAN: Phew. My, this place does have a signature stink.
RANSOM: All I smell is gel.
FREEMAN: Do you hear that?

[Operations centre]

(Red alert.)
FREEMAN: Is that man dead?
(Ransom checks, the man wakes up.)
GENE: Oh. Howdy. Y'all must be from the 'Ritos, aren't you? Sorry, dozed off there.
FREEMAN: With all these alarms going off?
GENE: Oh hell, I don't have the tools to reroute their microcircuits. Don't worry. You get used to it.
(Freeman sorts it.)
GENE: Hot damn. Y'all got them really good modern tricorders.
FREEMAN: Happy to help. We're looking for the chief engineer. He has a navigation processor for us.
GENE: Oh hell, that's Jakobowski. Great guy. Hell of a throwing arm.
FREEMAN: Ah ha. And where is he?
GENE: Probably in the arcade. We don't have any fancy holodecks, so Chief spends a lot of time there. Yeah, it's up on 33. He'll get you that nav thingy he wants.
(Gives Freeman a hand-drawn map.)
FREEMAN: Wha... We just came down from 33.
GENE: Y'all have fun.
(Falls asleep.)
RANSOM: All right, Captain, let's follow this napkin. Oh, dang gel. I got it, I got it.
FREEMAN: Oh, please.

[SB80 Promenade]

BOIMLER: Wow, that's a lot of growling and glaring.
NOX: Fun fact, SB80 actually has the largest population of Acamarians outside Acamar III due to an old negotiation hiccup that surrendered half the starbase to their authority.
MARINER: Yeah, this place is basically controlled by a knife gang.
NOX: We've sort of been hoping Starfleet might renegotiate the treaty, but I guess it's low on the diplomatic to-do list.
(Starbase 8- Famous Chunky Sauce dispenser.)
MARINER: Ruthie, no, that's cursed sauce. Don't touch that.
NOX: What? I eat those every day. They're great.
MARINER: Uncovered and unrefrigerated? Urgh, that's a pass.
(Passing a clothes shop.)
TENDI: Oh, these are cosy. How did you make them without replicators?
SHOPKEEPER: They're the uniforms of long-dead men.
TENDI: Vintage.

[SB80 storeroom]

NOX: The grav plate manual should be in here somewhere.
MARINER: It's a mess! Oh, my god, we're never getting out of here.
TENDI: Okay, don't worry. We'll divide and conquer. Rutherford, how about you take that pile on the left?
BOIMLER: Everything okay, buddy?
RUTHERFORD: Yeah.
(Collapses.)
BOIMLER: Whoa, what are you doing? Stop that.
MARINER: Rutherford's cursed. He's got the 80.
TENDI: There's got to be a rational, scientific explanation...
(Crash. They see other crewmembers licking surfaces.)
TENDI: Okay, maybe there's a curse.

[SB80 turbolift]

RANSOM: Oh, a twist-handle control. Did you use these as an ensign?
FREEMAN: I am not that old.
RANSOM: Oh. Well, I think we turn it to use voice command.
FREEMAN: Computer, arcade.
COMPUTER: Maintenance labyrinth.
FREEMAN: I said arcade.
COMPUTER: Maintenance labyrinth confirmed.

[SB80 even dirtier corridor]

FREEMAN: This is definitely not the arcade.
COMPUTER: Arcade.
(The turbolift departs.)
FREEMAN: Get back here! Damn it.
RANSOM: Should I call the Cerritos for help?
FREEMAN: No. This place got the better of my alternate universe self. It won't do the same to me.
RANSOM: You're still worried about that?
FREEMAN: Yes!

[Promenade]

MARINER: Look at them, all vacant, weird. They've all got the Starbase 80 curse.
TENDI: (comms) Doctor T'Ana?
MARINER: It got Doctor T.
NOX: That's weird. While your crew's affected, none of us locals are.
MARINER: Yeah, because you're already cursed.
NOX: Come on, our doctor will get to the bottom of this.
MARINER: What if he's cursed too?
NOX: Well, you sort of don't have a choice.

[SB80 even dirtier corridor]

FREEMAN: Hello? Lieutenant Jakobowski? Gene? Why is your head in that tube?
GENE: I'm just trying to fix an oxygen leak and I got stuck.
RANSOM: Hold on. I've got some gel that should help with that.
(They pull him out and lots of bats fly out of the tube.)
GENE: Way too many bats around here.
FREEMAN: Gene, we need to find your engineer. I feel like we've been just wandering around the station fixing things.
GENE: Well, since you mentioned it...
FREEMAN: What now?
GENE: I don't have the know-how to get this oxygen leak sealed, could you?
FREEMAN: Yes. There. Done. Now, will you please point us to Lieutenant Jakobowski?
GENE: Oh, happily. Let's get you to that arcade.

[SB80 stairwell]

RANSOM: Ho, ho. Stairs! Boom. Don't see these in space very often. The perfect workout.
GENE: Thirty storeys and you'll hit the arcade. Can't miss it.
FREEMAN: I'm not letting this place win.
GENE: You're welcome.
RANSOM: Ha, ha. My glutes. You feel that, Cap? The power of stairs.

[SB80 corridor]

MARINER: Tendi, Rutherford keeps trying to lick the walls. Can you help, please? No, Tendi's cursed too.
BOIMLER: Ensign's Mackler and Gorm, I need your help at my location now. Oh, you were right. This curse is getting to everyone.
HORSEBERRY: Hurry, follow me.
BOIMLER: Who the hell are you?
HORSEBERRY: Station Doctor Harrison Horseberry. We must get these officers to sickbay, post haste. Pip-pip, on your way.

[SB80 Sickbay]

MARINER: Er, what is happening with your doctor?
NOX: Oh yeah, he gets that a lot. He's British.
MARINER: Does he have one of those Tarchannen parasites that mess with your DNA?
HORSEBERRY: I used to have one. I got it from sharing a toothbrush with one of my colleagues. How did you know? I was told it was hardly noticeable.
MARINER: Yeah, it was a little noticeable.
HORSEBERRY: Oh my word. This can't be right.
MARINER: What's wrong?
HORSEBERRY: Nothing. No pathogens or biochemical phenomena, and no Tarchannen parasites, which I always check for just for fun.
BOIMLER: Oh my God. You're right. It is a curse.
MARINER: All right, fuck this. I'm calling for evac.
NOX: Stop! Give me that comm badge. You'll get it too.
MARINER: Hey! I knew you were up to something.
(Nox stomps on the comm badge. Fight.)
MARINER: Holy shit. How are you so good at fighting?
NOX: I'm El-Aurian. I think I know how to fight.
MARINER: Wait, like Guinan? What, so you're like 400 years old?
NOX: No, I'm in my 30s, but I pay attention.
MARINER: A young El-Aurian is just a regular person.
NOX: I'm trying to protect you.
MARINER: Sure doesn't feel like it.
NOX: Have you noticed your crew only starts acting weird after using their comm badges?
MARINER: So?
NOX: So, what if that's why your crew's infected and ours isn't?
MARINER: Everyone here is acting weird as fuck.
NOX: They're goofy and eccentric, but not licking walls. We don't have comm badges. We use old wall comms. That has to be it.
MARINER: One of them just contacted his ensigns and he's fine. Oh shit. Oh my God, you were right. It's the comm badges, but that means the curse is from the Cerritos? Sorry, Boims.
(Punch.)

[SB80 top of stairs]

FREEMAN: Oh.
RANSOM: Wow, that's a lot of Acamarians. Careful, Cap. These guys can get pretty rough.
TOUGH: You lost, Starfleet?
TOUGH 2: We don't get a lot of your kind around here.
TOUGH: Unless they're going to... the arcade.
RANSOM: We are going to the arcade.
TOUGH 2: Oh, awesome. It's right over there.
TOUGH: Here's some extra tokens on the house.

[Arcade]

BOTH: Gene?
GENE: Oh, howdy, friends.
FREEMAN: That is it. I don't know what you've been up to, buddy, but it ends now. No more runarounds. Where is Lieutenant Jakabowski?
TOUGH: Ah, calm down, lady. That is Jakabowski.
FREEMAN: What?
GENE: Chief Engineer Gene Jakabowski at your service.
FREEMAN: You better have a damn good explanation, Gene.
GENE: I know. Apologies, apologies for the subterfuge. I've been asking Starfleet to send someone to help with repairs for months. See? I couldn't miss a chance to get help fixing the alarms and oxygen pipes.
RANSOM: Starfleet lying to Starfleet? That is messed up, Gene.
GENE: Well, if you help me clear out the bats in subsection five, I'll get you your navigation processor.
RANSOM: No way are we helping you with that. You go get it right now. Captain?
FREEMAN: No, I get it. The Cerritos isn't the flashiest ship, so it's easy for command to ignore. You know what, I haven't been exactly fair to you today. Let's get those bats.

[Promenade]

(Exiting Astro-Medicine Ward 4.)
MARINER: Oh, I can't believe I messed this up.
NOX: You didn't do anything.
MARINER: Getting kicked off my ship and being transferred here, that was my rock bottom. Being back made me feel like I was still that person. If I'd been on my game, I would have seen what was happening.
NOX: Hey, this isn't rock bottom for anyone. Starbase 80's for second chances. That's why I love it.
MARINER: What the...? I mean, when you put it like that, I'm kind of into Starbase 80.
NOX: We're not perfect, but that's why it works.
MARINER: Damn. Okay, so it's not a curse. Something is piggybacking on our comm badge signals.
NOX: We have to find the source.
(Mariner steals Jet's comm badge for scanning.)
MARINER: There's a biological energy signature.
NOX: Then your comm logs could tell us how this started.
MARINER: Yeah, they're back on the ship, which will be full of cursed crew. How are we going to get through that?
NOX: With the help of two of my biggest weirdos.

[Corridor]

MARINER: We need to get to the bridge. Let's use caution...
COMPUTER: Self-destruct sequence activated.
ALL: What?
COMPUTER: Self-destruct sequence aborted.
MARINER: Oh, thank God.
COMPUTER: Self-destruct sequence activated.
NOX: What the hell is happening on this ship?
MARINER: Forget caution. New plan, reckless abandon.
COMPUTER: Self-self-self-self-self-self-destruct sequence activated.
(Billups rolling his face on an LCARS panel. Someone biting wiring.)
HORSEBERRY: Pardon me.
MARINER: Livik.
(Nox uses the cover from the wiring panel to keep the doors open.)
MARINER: Nice.
NOX: Happens all the time on our base.
(But their way is blocked by the zombies.)
HORSEBERRY: Oh, my stars.
MARINER: There's no way through. We have to go back.
CHAD: Looks like this is a job for Chad. Corn dogs, ho!
MARINER: Chad, no!
(The zombies follow him away.)
CHAD: Keep going. Chad'll be okay.
HORSEBERRY: Chad!

[Bridge]

COMPUTER: Self-self-self-destruct sequence...
(Mariner punches Billups out of the captain's chair.)
COMPUTER: Self-destruct sequence aborted.
NOX: I isolated the source of the comm badge signal. Where is this?
MARINER: What? No way.

[Cetacean Ops]

NOX: You have whales?
MARINER: They do stellar navigation, and they also throw really crazy parties.
HORSEBERRY: Shh. Get down.
(Matt leaves the tank and spews green energy at a control panel.)
NOX: What's he doing?
MARINER: I don't know. That's new.
HORSEBERRY: Okay, good news. Pretty sure it's not Tarchannen parasites. Has he been off the ship lately?
MARINER: He was on an away mission on Piskes Nine.
HORSEBERRY: I'm reading an anaphasic consciousness controlling his body. It appears to have spread throughout the entire Cerritos crew, but its central mind is here.
NOX: So everyone is licking and touching the walls because they're like his fingertips, reaching out in the dark.
MARINER: Finger and tongue tips, yeah.
NOX: Can you reverse the effects, Doctor?
HORSEBERRY: Perhaps, if I could just get close enough.
NOX: Not an option. We can't lose anyone else.
MARINER: I spent all day thinking you guys were idiots. Now it's my turn to be the biggest idiot of all. Come and get me, you crazy energy ghost! Ah! Hurry, I feel myself getting moronic.
NOX: Mariner!
(Stamps on the energy leash, breaking it.)
MARINER: What are you doing?
NOX: Giving you a second chance.
(They both get lassoed.)
HORSEBERRY: Stop! Doctor's orders! I've studied the most advanced medicines in the quadrant, but some problems even old-fashioned bonking.
(Knocks Matt out with a pool net. A green creature comes out of his mouth, and gets a bucket put over it.)
NOX: Where am I? Doc, how'd you do it?
HORSEBERRY: Er... complicated doctor stuff.
(Around the ship, people wake up.)
SHAXS: Oh, boy.
BOIMLER: What happened? Urgh.
CHAD: Chad lives to dog another day.
NOX: Base commander's log, supplemental. With the anaphasic entity contained, Doctor Horseberry was able to set up a stable vessel for it to inhabit.

[SB80 Sickbay]

CLEM: My designation is Clem. I am sorry for the trouble I have caused. Thank you for not destroying me.
NOX: No problem, Clem. Welcome to Starbase 80.
BOIMLER: I can't believe you're letting it stay here.
NOX: We'll be fine, as long as Clem doesn't try to inhabit anyone.
CLEM: I will not.
MARINER: Why did you possess anyone in the first place?
CLEM: To prove to my superiors that I am capable of communicating with corporeal species.
RUTHERFORD: Hold up. So you're like a junior anaphasic alien?
CLEM: Correct. But the amount of mind merges overwhelmed me. I took over too many hosts. Spread myself too thin.
NOX: But now we're communicating, so it's a win for everyone.
CLEM: I hope my bosses see it that way. They can be real dicks.
NOX: Well, Mariner, I guess that solves the curse and your navigational problem. It's been a pleasure having you on Starbase 80.
MARINER: Oh, we aren't done yet.
NOX: We aren't?

[SB80 Engineering]

RUTHERFORD: Okie-dokie. That should do it. Everyone hold onto something.
NOX: Oh, thank you for fixing the grav plating. It's gonna feel real good not to fall to the ceiling in here.
MARINER: Yeah, maybe fixing up all your little problems will help make up for me being such a jerk.
NOX: You were just watching out for your friends. And hopefully now you see we're just a bunch of scrappy underdogs. Arf, arf.
MARINER: Now that I can understand. Wait, has anyone seen the captain? Someone told her we don't need the repair materials any more, right?

[SB80 Labyrinth]

(Catching bats.)
RANSOM: You don't have anything more to prove, Captain. Let's get out of here.
FREEMAN: No, the alternate Freeman must have failed at this and I won't. There's still the big one.
RANSOM: But it won't even fit in the cage.
FREEMAN: Yeah, not with that attitude, it won't.
RANSOM: How about I just forge the signature?
FREEMAN: No giant fucking bat is keeping me on this goddamn station.
RANSOM: Look out for the claws, Captain. The claws!