[Corridor]

CUBE: Watch where you're going, ball!
ORB: You wish you had curves like this, you pointy freak!
CUBE: Why don't you go shove yourself in a circumscribed cylinder?
ORB: How dare you!
KAYSHON: Hey! Hey!
RANSOM [OC]: Brokering peace will require some complex diplomacy. And that's not the only problem I have to deal with today.

[Cargo bay]

OLLY: Almost... got it! Who said I couldn't stack a hundred pieces of circular furniture onto a single sled?
RANSOM: I did. And it wasn't a challenge. It was an order.
OLLY: Don't worry. I inverted the weight threshold. This bad boy could hold a freaking neutron star.
(Taps the sled and it flies off leaving its load behind.)
OLLY: We're going to laugh about this later.

[Corridor]

FREEMAN: I had no idea photonic beings could be so petty. Now the Orbs are complaining about all the edges. How the hell am I supposed to get rid of edges? You have any idea how many edges are on a starship?
RANSOM: That is it. I am done with that new ensign. She disregards my orders, breaks everything she touches, and, and, I think she's stealing my kettlebells to mess with me. I can't make gains without my bells!
MARINER: How do I not know this obviously very cool person? Yoink.
(Takes PADD from Freeman.)
FREEMAN: Ensign Olly has just transferred from the Reseda due to some sort of electrical fire and problems with her commanding officers.
MARINER: Damn, and that whole crew's reformed Maquis. They're nasty. Whoa, she's a demigod?
FREEMAN: That's not Starfleet terminology, but yes. Olly's the descendant of the psychokinetic being that presented itself as Zeus.
RANSOM: Ha! Been there.
MARINER: Damn, this girl keeps getting cooler by the second.
FREEMAN: I can't chance any more disruptions with the Orbs and Cubes on board. Commander, notify Admiral Vassery that Ensign Olly will be leaving the Cerritos.
MARINER: Wait, hold up. To go where?
FREEMAN: She's been removed from six other ships. I assume this was her last chance at Starfleet.
MARINER: People can change if you let them. I'm proof.
FREEMAN: You just grabbed my PADD to access information above your clearance.
MARINER: Come on, Mom, let me help her out.
RANSOM: She makes a good point. Sometimes the most destructive ensigns just need someone to believe in them.
FREEMAN: Fine. But if she so much as sneezes at a Cube or an Orb, she'll be one with the wind just like her paw-paw.
MARINER: Don't worry, Mom. Olly's going to be Cerritos material in no time.
OLLY: Whoa!
MARINER: Ha, ha. Starting now.
OLLY: Ah! Get out of the way! Sled coming through!
MARINER: I mean now, starting now.

[Quarters]

RUTHERFORD: I'll tell you, engineering feels more like catering whenever photonics are on board. Those little fellas gobble up power cells faster than you put away chili rellenos.
BOIMLER: Ah, you know, I have the computer omit the spice.
RUTHERFORD: You mind if I grab the power cell from your PADD since you're always using that alt-universe one anyway?
BOIMLER: Alt-universe? Good joke, we got a real Ronald B. Moore over here. Working on your stand-up, huh? What are you talking about?
RUTHERFORD: I'm talking about the PADD you stole from Beard Boimler on the parallel Cerritos. I could tell because the bevel is 3.7% deeper.
BOIMLER: Also It's rad.
RUTHERFORD: Oh yeah.
BOIMLER: Dang it. I was trying to keep it a secret.
RUTHERFORD: No secrets from roomies, sorry. Why are you so into that thing anyway?
BOIMLER: You saw that other Boimler, so cool and successful. He was acting captain three times. If I copy him, then maybe I can be cool too.
RUTHERFORD: Okay, sure, or you could just be yourself. Yes, exactly. Myself from another dimension.
BOIMLER: No, what I mean is...
BOIMLER: When the Orb and Cube peace talks happened in his universe, Beard Boimler and Doctor T'Ana became pals. She even gave him a nickname, Flip.
RUTHERFORD: She did? Dang, he is a cooler Boimler. Or maybe alt-T'Ana's less crusty and mean?
BOIMLER: I gotta get a nickname from the Doc before the Cubes and Orbs make peace.
RUTHERFORD: Does Doc even know your regular name?
BOIMLER: Unclear, but alt-T'Ana invited Flip to her exclusive bridge crew book club. That's the end game.
RUTHERFORD: What does a book club have to do with captaining?
BOIMLER: Apparently everything.
RUTHERFORD: This is not a good idea.

[Crew bunks]

MARINER: Hmm. Loos like the first thing Olly needs to learn is how to be on time.
T'LYN: Mariner, you are in your old bunk. The human susceptibility to nostalgia is puzzling.
OLLY: Out of my way, blue guy! Same for you, guy-looking guy.
MARINER: Ensign, you were supposed to be here 30 minutes ago.
OLLY: I was testing this mini-tractor beam and I must have lost track of time.
T'LYN: You appear to have solved the unit's compression stability problems.
OLLY: Yep, so now I can stack crates without having to move. Ow!
(Gets zapped by the control unit and the crate bounces away.)
T'LYN: That power surge requires investigation.
OLLY: It's a work in progress.
MARINER: I love to see someone work so hard at being lazy.
OLLY: I used to be an engineer, but apparently I was a hazard to the officers around me.
MARINER: That's right. You try to think outside the box and they try to push you back in.
OLLY: Yeah, exactly. Are you sure you're Starfleet?
MARINER: Usually. Come on, we're late picking up our teenage Cube.

[Corridor]

MARINER: So you know how there are all these photonic diplomats on board?
OLLY: They're hard to miss.
MARINER: One of the lead Cube's kids is acting up, locked themselves in their quarters. We're supposed to get it out and show it a good time.
OLLY: We're babysitting? Oh, that sucks.
MARINER: Yeah, Starfleet's kind of a one-for-me, nine-for-them type deal. Quadralon, can we come in? Computer, override door controls. Authorisation Mariner 53.

[Quadralon's quarters]

MARINER: Hey, sorry to bust in, but... What the hell? He trashed the place.
(There is gunk on the wall. Later...)
SHAXS: Scans say this is photonic residue.
MARINER: You don't have to be Dixon Hill to see that some bad shit went down in here.
FREEMAN: I'm sure there's a logical explanation for all of this.
OLLY: Er, yeah. Logically some nasty-ass Orb murdered the Cube. Or, twist, a Cube murdered the Cube, but the Cube was an Orb in disguise.
FREEMAN: Maybe Quadralon just had an energy cold and sneezed on the wall.
KAYSHON: Scans couldn't locate him, Captain. Rajik, when he fell in the chasm.
FREEMAN: Oh, foul play could destroy these negotiations.
MARINER: Wasn't Quadralon spending all their time in here vidscreening with friends?
FREEMAN: Apparently they think corporeal ships are boring.
MARINER: So where's the vidscreen they were using?
SHAXS: She's right, it's missing.
OLLY: Hey, crazy theory. Maybe the Cube-murdering Orb took it.
FREEMAN: No accusations until we have proof, Ensign.
OLLY: Oh, it's obvious!
SHAXS: My team will search for the computer.
FREEMAN: No, I can't have security running around raising suspicions.
OLLY: How about us? Mariner and I are low status enough to fly under the radar.
MARINER: I wouldn't call myself low status, but yeah, she might be right.
RANSOM [OC]: Ransom to Freeman.
FREEMAN: Go ahead.
RANSOM [OC]: We could use you in the conference room. The Cubes have an issue with Article Ten. They don't like that the ten has a zero. It's too round.
FREEMAN: On my way. Okay, you two can investigate our missing C ube, but don't make a scene.
MARINER: We won't.
OLLY: We might not. Kidding.

[Sickbay]

TENDI: Oh, if we get some Ferengi blood, we'll have an entire rainbow.
T'ANA: Yeah, a rainbow of death. This stuff's riddled with viruses. Okay, for the last time, Lieutenant, a paper cut isn't a medical emergency.
BOIMLER: Oh, you know, I just er, flipped on down here to see if I could shadow you. I've always wanted to learn, er... medical... stuff.
T'ANA: No. Fuck off.
RUTHERFORD: Well, we tried.
BOIMLER: If she doesn't call me Flip, I'll never get in good with the bridge crew.
RUTHERFORD: What about Shaxs? You're in the bear pack.
BOIMLER: He doesn't have a book club. I'm sure flipping through this medical book will be insightful. Love to flip each page to see what knowledge awaits me.
T'ANA: That book is 300 years old. It was a gag gift because of how fucking stupid it is.
BOIMLER: I think you mean how flipping stupid it is.
TENDI: What's wrong with Boimler?
RUTHERFORD: Eh, just the usual stuff.
T'ANA: If you say flip one more time, I'm gonna bite your fuckng nose off.
BOIMLER: Oh, point taken. Um, I guess it's time for me to leave. Like this.
(Tries to do a back-flip, crashes into a cart with a tray full of hyposprays on it. He gets shot with the lot.)
BOIMLER: Oh, medicine. Ah!
T'ANA: Nice going, fuck-o. You just hyposprayed yourself with untested anaesthetic.
BOIMLER: No, I'm good. Let's go hang out and get to know each other.
(Passes out.)

[Corridor]

MARINER: Finding Quadralon's computer could lead us to his attacker. Hmm, I'm picking up a faint signature.

[Gym]

ORB: I can't believe we have to share equipment with these savages.
CUBE: What are you even working out, you two-dimensional fuck?
ORB: I'm 3D as hell!

[Changing room]

RONDUS: Don't look at me! I'm not glowing.
OLLY: Oh, is that like being naked?
RONDUS: Yes.
MARINER: You look great. Somebody doesn't skip radius day.
OLLY: This is a waste of time. We should be searching the Orbs' quarters.
MARINER: Huh, looks like the missing computer is nearby. So, what's it like being a demigod? Got any cool powers?
OLLY: Who told you I was a demigod?
MARINER: It was in your file. Also, the leaf headband thingy. Not really a style us mortals are known for rocking.
OLLY: It's called a laurel. It doesn't come off. It's a bioluminescent construct I inherited from my stupid ancestors.
MARINER: I'm just making conversation.
OLLY: I get a lot of questions about it. And no, I don't have any magic powers. I'm normal, like you.
MARINER: I mean, I don't know if anybody would call me normal.
OLLY: Whoa! Check this out. That naked creep's got anti-Cube propaganda.
MARINER: Time to shave those edges off once and for all?
OLLY: I mean, come on, case closed.
MARINER: Yeah, this is pretty bad. Okay, let's feel out this Orb. But I do the talking.
OLLY: Of course.

[Room]

(Darkened for the third degree interrogation.)
OLLY: Spill it, circle! We're on to you.
RONDUS: Spill what?
MARINER: Stand down, Ensign. Rondus, I want to apologise for the intrusion.
RONDUS: You witnessed me at my dullest. Do you know how humiliating that is?
MARINER: I do not, no. I am not... I don't understand that. But I think we can make it up to you. Olly, the bribe.
(Tricorder power cells.)
RONDUS: Sweet potential energy.
MARINER: I bet you're looking forward to getting this treaty signed, huh?
RONDUS: I am blessed to be part of such a historic occasion.
MARINER: Even though you're dealing with the Cubes? Look, it's just me, but I've always found them to be too pointy.
RONDUS: They are stupid-looking, the way they just kind of float there.
MARINER: Yeah, totally.
OLLY: Sounds like you really hate them.
RONDUS: No. The Cubes are weird, but I support an end to hostilities.
OLLY: We saw your anti-Cube rants, murderer!
RONDUS: Ridorbulous!
MARINER: All right, hey, tone it down, like a million notches.
RONDUS: I planned on destroying that propaganda in a display of solidarity.
OLLY: Yeah, right. You couldn't square the thought of making peace, so you iced a cube.

[Corridor]

MARINER: You have got to chill. This is exactly what we didn't want to have happen.
OLLY: You're gonna kick me off the ship, aren't you?
MARINER: No, no, I'm not. I get it. You just... you want justice. I've been there. All you need is... Hey!
OLLY: Come back here!
MARINER: Stop right there!
(Chasing Rondus.)

[Sickbay]

BOIMLER: I can't believe I botched that so hard. All that flip practicing was so easy with the gravity turndown.
TENDI: Does this have anything to do with that alt-universe PADD you're always secretly reading?
BOIMLER: You know about it too?
TENDI: Yeah, it has a way wider bevel.
BOIMLER: It's red!
TENDI: Oh yeah.
BOIMLER: Look, I'm trying to trick Doctor T into inviting me to her book club.
TENDI: Okay, so just be yourself.
RUTHERFORD: That's what I said!
TENDI: Aw, twins. Didn't you learn this with the whole Hawai'i thing?
BOIMLER: Yeah, but this is different. Beard Boimler is me. Listen to how casually she talks to him.
ALT-T'ANA [OC]: Hey, Flips, whenever you're done fucking yourself up the ****, hit me back. Till then, fuck you. Ha, ha.
RUTHERFORD: Colourful.
BOIMLER: It's how she shows respect.
TENDI: Oh wow, she gets way spicier with friends.
BOIMLER: That's why I need to speak her language.
TENDI: Caitian?
BOIMLER: Cursing!
TENDI: I don't think it's gonna be as easy as that.
BOIMLER: Hey, Doctor T'Ana.
T'ANA: What do you want?
BOIMLER: Fuck, nothing. What's crappening with you, **** ****?
(All gasp.)
T'ANA: What did you just call me?
BOIMLER: **** ****. Uh, you know, cause you're a bitch.
RUTHERFORD: Oh, ha, ha. He's still loopy from the hyposprays.
T'ANA: I should split your face in half for talking to me like that, you little twerp!
BOIMLER: Er, why aren't you swearing?
T'ANA: How about this? (talons out, attacks) Motherfucker, you little bitch! I will fuck your face in!
BOIMLER: Guys, help me!
T'ANA: You big **** piece of ****, I will fuck you up, and I will **** **** and your ****!

[Corridor]

MARINER: Stop it! Get back here!

[Conference room]

MARINER: Uh oh.
FREEMAN: I assure you, Sexagus, we're doing everything in our power to find Quadralon.
SEXAGUS: How long has my Cubelet been missing?
RONDUS: They're accusing us of murder.
FREEMAN: No one is suggesting that any Orb murdered any Cube.
RONDUS: The one with the leaf hat did.
OLLY: It's not a leaf hat, it's a laurel, and all I'm saying is somebody murdered a Cube and it wasn't one of us.
FREEMAN: Ignore the ensign. Please, stay calm.
OLLY: Hey, now that everyone knows, we can more easily search for that melted computer.
SPHERONIUS: And where within these accusations do you account for the disappearance of my orblet, Radiara?
FREEMAN: Your kid is missing too?
SPHERONIUS: Perhaps they are the murderers.
SEXAGUS: How dare you!
FREEMAN: Er... maybe Quadralon and Radiara got lost at the same time, mysteriously.
SEXAGUS: I am sick of these lying, disgustingly rounded Orbs. Yah!
(Fires bold of energy. Retaliation begins.)
SEXAGUS: Ah, shape war!

[Changing room]

(With hostilities all over the ship.)
OLLY: What are we doing back here?
MARINER: Searching for the missing computer.
OLLY: There's a war breaking out! We gotta help!
MARINER: You'll do anything to stop me from finding it, won't you?
OLLY: What does that mean? Hey, that's my locker! It's just full of ancient robes and... The computer! The Orbs must have planted it there.
MARINER: Then how'd you know it was melted, Olly? You said it just a minute ago, before we saw it.
OLLY: I know, it's kind of worn out to say there's a logical explanation...
MARINER: Did you kill a kid?
OLLY: No! I got to Quadralon's quarters early, because I thought that's where we were meeting. I saw the crime scene and panicked. I'm not exactly popular. Plus with the electrical damage, someone would blame me and my powers. So I hid it, then ran to you.
MARINER: You told me you didn't have powers.
OLLY: Of course I have powers. My grandfather was Zeus. My power just sucks.
(Creates a floppy lightning bolt that bounces.)
MARINER: Ah, that's why you keep causing all those electrical mishaps and getting kicked off ships.
OLLY: I didn't ask for lightning bolts. I joined Starfleet so I could fix and build stuff. I hid my powers so people wouldn't be scared of me, like a Q or something.
MARINER: Well, to be fair, Qs are more annoying than scary. I thought you wanted to fight the system, like me. But you're your own person, I should have paid attention.
OLLY: And I shouldn't have hidden the computer.
MARINER: We still have a mystery to solve, and a war to stop.
OLLY: How?
MARINER: You might actually have to use those crappy powers.
OLLY: What? Mariner, I don't want people to know. Mariner!

[Shuttlebay]

BOIMLER: I'm here to help.
T'ANA: Take cover, fucko. This is way out of your league.
MARINER: This is your chance, all right? Just like we talked about. Can you do this?
OLLY: I don't know.
MARINER: Olly, I believe in you.
(Olly stands in the middle and starts sucking energy out of the opposing sides. She levitates into mid-air.)
OLLY: It's working!
MARINER: You're doing great!
OLLY: I'm doing it! I'm not useless! Ah! I took on too much power. Get back!
(An explosion of lightning bolts, including one that gets Boimler in the derriere. Olly falls to the deck.)
OLLY: Did I end the war?
SEXAGUS: Consider our alliance terminated.
SPHERONIUS: Orbs, orbulate!
(The Spheres and Orbs leave the ship.)
RANSOM [OC]: They're combining into giant shapes, Captain. They could be turning into anything. Oh my God, it... You know what? It's just a bigger orb and a bigger cube. They're not creative at all!
OLLY: Oh, this is all my fault.
MARINER: No, it's not. You did your best.
OLLY: No, I'm at my best when I'm engineering, not trying to be a Zeus. Wait! I'm so stupid.
MARINER: Stupid about what? Olly!

[Bridge]

(Caught in the middle of the fight.)
FREEMAN: Status report.
SHAXS: Shields at 20% and falling!
BILLUPS: Reserve power's almost gone.
FREEMAN: Get off my bridge!
MARINER: Hey, I know Olly and I shit the bed, but we deserve a chance to change the sheets.
BILLUPS: Urgh.
MARINER: It's a metaphor.
BILLUPS: Yeah, a bad one.
FREEMAN: You've had enough chances. Out now.
OLLY: Wait! I can reconfigure the ship's tractor beams so they don't work on a photonic signature.
SHAXS: Tractor beams are for tractoring!
OLLY: I can direct an electromagnetic field into the nacelles.
BILLUPS: Which would weaken the photonics and charge our shields at the same time.
FREEMAN: Are you saying that'll work?
BILLUPS: It has to.
FREEMAN: Make it so!
ORBICULUS: What angled trickery is this?
OMEGACUBE: It's not us. We're being affected too.
(They break up into their smaller components.)

[Shuttlebay]

SEXAGUS: We don't need energy to defeat you.
SPHERONIUS: Prepare to be bounced upon.
QUADRALON: What's going on here?
SEXAGUS: Quadralon?
SPHERONIUS: Radiara!
RADIARA: Why isn't anybody glowing?
SPHERONIUS: We thought you were dead.
QUADRALON: Oh, ah, no. We've been... together.
RADIARA: Quadralon and I are in love.
QUADRALON: We knew you'd never condone our union, even with the peace talks.
RADIARA: So we snuck off to a holodeck after totally wrecking Quadralon's room. He is an eager lover.
MARINER: Gross.
RANSOM: Come on, clean up after yourselves.
QUADRALON: Leaving a mess is part of our kink.
OLLY: Oh, we thought that was evidence. I touched that!
SPHERONIUS: You have been intimate... with a Cube?
RADIARA: Extremely. There's someone we'd like for you to meet.
SQUAARON: Hey, everybody. Surprise! It's me. Whee!
RADIARA: This is our child, SquAaron. It has far too much energy.
SQUAARON: Happy to be here.
SPHERONIUS: SquAaron is... perfect. Who knew Orbs and Cubes were capable of producing such beauty?
SQUAARON: I want juice. Let's play hide and seek. Why does he have such a big head?
RADIARA: Do not give him juice.
SEXAGUS: Perhaps there's hope for us after all. Let us return to the negotiating table.
SPHERONIUS: Agreed. We will work together to forge the Treaty of SquAaron.
SQUAARON: That's me.
(And dumps a load on the deck.)
QUADRALON: Ah! What is this? What do I do? I've been a parent for five minutes.

[Sickbay]

(Operation in progress, removing shrapnel.)
BOIMLER: What happened? Did I have a lightning bolt in my ass?
T'ANA: Oh, yeah. And my report detailing the extremely unique procedure to remove it will be legendary. Finally, I'll get some real clout in the medical community. I'll probably name this the T'Ana procedure.
BOIMLER: Glad I could help. I'm gonna go to my room and sleep for the rest of the mission. How long is it? Five years?
T'ANA: No way, fucko! My book club's meeting tonight. You gotta swing by.
BOIMLER: Really?
T'ANA: Just make sure to bring a pillow to sit on. Those cheeks are gonna be fucked for days. Ha, ha, ha!
TENDI: Whoa, Doc really likes you.
RUTHERFORD: I can't believe it actually worked. You got a nickname. Fucko!
BOIMLER: Yeah, and she said it was such warmth.
RUTHERFORD: Staying true to yourself was wrong. You gotta copy someone better.
TENDI: No, that's not the lesson to take from this.
RUTHERFORD: Billups has a bi-weekly aquatic aerobics class. I gotta use that PADD to get in.
TENDI: No, no, no, guys.
BOIMLER: Oh, great idea. PADD pals are gonna be unstoppable!
TENDI: You can't just crib your personalities from a stolen PADD.
RUTHERFORD: Yes, we can!
BOIMLER: Yeah!

[Ready room]

FREEMAN: Despite my earlier misgivings, there's a place for you on the Cerritos after all.
OLLY: I'm sorry for causing any doubt.
FREEMAN: Tomorrow, you'll be reassigned to Engineering. It's clearly where you belong.
BILLUPS: You've got a real eye for power systems, Ensign. I'm happy to have you join the team.
OLLY: I've never felt so supported before. This is amazing.
FREEMAN: Thank Mariner. She saw it in you and we couldn't. But first, you're spending the night in the brig.
OLLY: What? But I saved everyone.
MARINER: Yeah, you also lied and hid a bunch of evidence.
OLLY: Oh, come on. You're not really putting me in the brig.

[Brig]

OLLY: I have rights! This is tyranny!
MARINER: The bench is actually pretty comfy in there.
OLLY: Don't act like we're friends. We are nothing alike. And guess what? I love the brig. This is my favourite place.
MARINER: Yeah, you're right. We're totally different.
OLLY: What are you doing?
MARINER: I am keeping you company, so we can get a chance to know each other better.
OLLY: No, leave me alone!
MARINER: Being Cerritos strong means no more secrets. So, tell me about your gramps. Did he er... did he smite?
OLLY: This is my brig time, not yours.
MARINER: What about your mom?
OLLY: I don't want to open up. I'm a loner. I keep personal stuff bottled up deep in the darkest parts of my soul.
MARINER: Ooo, have you met Medusa? Is she cool? I feel like she'd like me. Now, do they all have names, the snakes? Are they multiple snakes, or are they just one big snake with a bunch of faces?
OLLY: Gah!