[Bridge]

FREEMAN [OC]: Captain's log, stardate 59499.6, the Cerritos has been sent to repair yet another dimensional fissure picked up by a Starfleet observation buoy. Apparently a purple alternate universe version of the Enterprise crossed into our reality while battling some evil clones of Tasha Yar or something. I can't keep track.
RANSOM: All right, let's get started sealing up that fizsh. Third one this week. We're getting pretty good at this.
MARINER: Ah, sucks we missed the purple Enterprise. I wonder if the carpets match the hull?
FREEMAN: You two seem pretty at home here at the science station.
T'LYN: My home was in an outcropping of jagged rocks in the Viltan Flats.
FREEMAN: Huh. Well, maybe it's finally time I fill the senior science officer position.
TENDI: Captain, I put together a report on the similarities between all these rifts. Could I maybe brief the bridge crew?
FREEMAN: Let's hold off until after I select a senior science officer.
TENDI: Oh, right, of course. I didn't mean to overstep.
FREEMAN: Lieutenant T'Lyn has also expressed interest. I just need to make a decision.
RUTHERFORD: How'd it go?
TENDI: She said T'Lyn applied too.
RUTHERFORD: That makes sense. She's pretty into science.
TENDI: You don't think T'Lyn's competing with me, do you?
RUTHERFORD: Nah, Vulcan's probably just forget about feelings. Just talk to her.
TENI: It doesn't matter. The position should go to the most qualified candidate, not just the one who's dreamt about it since they were old enough to carry a dagger.
BOIMLER: Captain, I'm detecting a Starfleet power signature on Dilmer III.
FREEMAN: Belay closing that rift.
RANSOM: Looks like our friends on the purple D left us a little present.
FREEMAN: We have to retrieve whatever it is before it disrupts their technological evolution.
SHAXS: Oh, but it's taquito night.
FREEMAN: Which is why our lieutenants will handle it.
MARINER: Oh right, undercover mission. We're gonna... Wait, taquito night? No, I want taquitos.
FREEMAN: You can just replicate some when you get back.
MARINER: I know. It's just more fun to be there for all the dancing and singing. But I'm sure an undercover mission will be... fun too.

[Sickbay]

T'ANA: Oh, stupid undercover plastic surgery jobs. I didn't go to Starfleet Medical for a costume party.
(Everyone orange skin, blue hair and horns.)
TENDI: I'm sure we look great.
T'ANA: I'm a doctor, not whatever the fuck this is.
MARINER: Dilmer III is a pre-industrial civilisation, so we can't let them see us or any of our technology.
T'ANA: Yeah, have fun with all the livestock. It's gonna smell like dog shit.
T'LYN: I am particularly sensitive to odour.
TENDI: Well, you could stay on the ship if you want. I'm sure I can handle any science that comes up down there.
MARINER: No, this is gonna be a fun alternate dimension technology recovery girls trip. You're my two science officers. I am ordering you to both come with.
T'LYN: I will ignore the inconvenience of the stench to fulfil my duty.
MARINER: Yeah, that's the spirit.
T'ANA: Want me to cauterise your scent receptors?
T'LYN: That would be appreciated.

[Transporter room]

BOIMLER: Man, your stubble's coming in so clean and even.
RUTHERFORD: Thanks, I've been getting a lot of compliments. I'm sure you have too.
BOIMLER: It's weird, I haven't.
RUTHERFORD: Don't worry, roomie. Yours will grow in.
BOIMLER: Whoa, looking good. Ready to churn some butter?
MARINER: Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. At the risk of throwing up on my sweet disguise, what are you drinking?
RUTHERFORD: Micheladas, with all the fixings.
T'LYN: It is uncharacteristic for either of you to drink something that features such an ostentatious skewer.
TENDI: This is something the other Boimler drank, isn't it? Did you get this from that PADD?
BOIMLER: I mean, come on.
RUTHERFORD: It's just a good drink.
MARINER: You're plagiarising someone's vibe and I won't stand for it.
BOIMLER: Yeah, okay, can we focus? Look, when you're down on Dilmer III, you'll experience time dilation.
RUTHERFORD: The planet's core has created a space-time differential.
BOIMLER: For every second on the Cerritos, one week is going to pass for you on the surface.
TENDI: Oh, it's like that planet Voyager went to.
MARINER: Or like how time seems to slow down when I'm forced to go to a play.
BOIMLER: We disguised a return beacon. When this starts to flash, you need to get where the locals can't see you beam out, okay?
MARINER: Oh, I love a mission with rules. Are you jealous you aren't coming with?
BOIMLER: Eh, from our perspective, you'll be gone for like a second, so no.
MARINER: Yeah, right, yes you are.
BOIMLER: I am not.
(Beams them out.)
BOIMLER: Gah! Got shrimp in my eye!
(And drinks all over the console.)

[Planet surface]

MARINER: Scans say that purple Enterprise's technology is two kilometres north of here.
T'LYN: I suggest we make haste before any locals discover it.
TENDI: Technically, whatever it is crashed down here years ago in planetary time. If they haven't found it by now, they probably won't.
MARINER: Yeah, but T'Lyn 's right. No taking chances with the Prime Directive. Let's hurry.
TENDI: T'Lyn's always right.

[Town]

TENDI: This place is adorable. Oh my gosh, look. Bricks!
MARINER: Lock it down. We don't want anyone getting suspicious.
SNELL: Name's Snell. Can I interest you in tickets for tonight's bonfire? Two for a globber.
MARINER: Damn, fresh out of globbers. Sorry.
SNELL: Out of globbers?

[Countryside]

MARINER: Oh, I didn't expect a big-ass crater.
T'LYN: Readings suggest a shuttlecraft crashed here.
TENDI: Most of it must have been destroyed by the impact.
MARINER: Better zap whatever we can't carry. Wouldn't want a local to stumble across some awesome shit.
T'LYN: The power signature is over here.
MARINER: Good, these horns are starting to itch.
TENDI: Is that a nose?
T'LYN: Impossible. Nothing could have survived the crash.
TENDI: How about a silicon-based lifeform?
MARINER: Oh, no way. That's Commander Data's head. And he's purple too.
TENDI: It must be a slightly more purple dimension.
SNELL: Hmm. What are you three up to?
TENDI: Oh, Snell! We're just down here looking for globbers.
SNELL: In a pit?
MARINER: Yeah, and we didn't find any, so that was dumb, I guess.
SNELL: Why haven't I seen you in town before?
T'LYN: We are from the northern region.
SNELL: Let me guess. Slarno?
TENDI: Yep, that's us. Slarno strong.
SNELL: What's behind your back?
T'LYN: (juggling) Rocks. We are a travelling troupe of performers.
SNELL: That's amazing!
MARINER: Yeah, normally a show like that costs you some big-time globbers. So get out of here before we charge you.
TENDI: I didn't know you could juggle.
T'LYN: Neither did I.
MARINER: Whoa, that was your first time?
T'LYN: Correct.
MARINER: How do you do it?
T'LYN: It was simply algorithmic tossing.
(Nightfall, Tendi cradling Data's head.)
MARINER: You sure that necklace hasn't blinked yet?
T'LYN: It has not.
TENDI: Boimler said he would bring us back in a second.
MARINER: That was hours ago.
T'LYN: Is it possible that Mister Boimler has been distracted from his duty?
MARINER: Probably with that stupid PADD. I guess we better crash in that abandoned shack for the night.
TENDI: What could have happened in an empty transporter room? With the time dilation, we just saw him.

[Transporter room]

BOTH: Ahhh!
RUTHERFORD: Beam them back! Beam them back!
BOIMLER: Controls won't work under all the Michelada!
RUTHERFORD: In the time it took for you to tell me that, it's been a month for them. Oh no! And me saying that, it was another month!
BOIMLER: Stop talking months and help me wipe!

[Homestead]

(Four months since arrival.)
MARINER: Oh, I'd kill for a holodeck.
TENDI: Ah. Another fruitful day of scanning indigenous plants. My away mission resume is going to be more padded than a Romulan's shoulder.
MARINER: Can't wait to find out how the guys botched standing at a transporter. Guess it's safe to assume that we'll be here for a while. Glad you're having fun.
TENDI: I'm actually trying to bolster my chances at the senior science officer position.
MARINER: Cramming some science in at the last minute? Nice. This is starting to feel like when Picard got duped into thinking he was a family man by that probe.
TENDI: I'm sorry, what?
MARINER: You know, in 20, 25 minutes he lived out a full lifetime, had a family, learned how to play the flute. That would be better than this.
TENDI: Okay, so do it.
MARINER: I can't just... Wait, you're right. This could be my probe life.
TENDI: Well, we might not have as much time as he did.
MARINER: Which is why I gotta hurry up and make a best friend. I gotta find a flute!
T'LYN: I harvested grain and ground it into flour with our windmill.
TENDI: You built a windmill?
T'LYN: I have been conducting a study on indigenous agriculture.
TENDI: Wow, that sounds... rigorous.
MARINER: Catch you later. I gotta do some speed dating. Ah! Snell, come on!
SNELL: What are you doing here? I thought this house was abandoned.
MARINER: We like the town, so we moved in. It's not a big deal.
SNELL: I'll be keeping an eye on...
MARINER: Get out of here, Snell! Go get a life. Why is there always a suspicious lurker when you're in a Carbon Creek situation? For real, T'Lyn, this windmill is crazy impressive. Wow, look at that thing. It's just wind. I love it.

[Attic room]

(At night during a storm.)
TENDI: Stupid windmill. She thinks she's so capable and Vulcan. Come on!
(Cranks a generator.)
DATA: Hmm. Curious. I am Lieutenant Commander Data. Who are you?
TENDI: Oh. Hi. I'm Lieutenant Junior Grade Tendi. It is so nice to meet you.
DATA: You have no uniform. Are you a member of Starfleet?
TENDI: Yes. I serve on the USS Cerritos, but right now we're stuck on Delmer III, waiting to be transported out.
DATA: My shuttle crashed. Is that why I do not have a body?
TENDI: Yeah, sorry. We looked around, but I think it got burned up.
DATA: Do not be concerned. I have been just a head before.
TENDI: Lieutenant Commander Data, can I ask you some questions about science?
DATA: As long as it does not require hands, feet, or torso, I believe you can.
(Snell is up a tree, watching. Next morning...)
DATA: And you trust that Mister Boimler will eventually transport you back to the ship?
TENDI: Oh yeah, for sure. He probably just fell over or something.
DATA: And in the interim, you are concerned that Lieutenant T'Lyn is a more capable science officer.
TENDI: We're both capable.
DATA: Of course. Then it does not matter who receives the promotion.
TENDI: I know. I'd just be so proud to do it. Orions aren't usually science officers.
DATA: I will help you with your studies.
TENDI: But you don't even know me.
DATA: That is true, but I am the only android who has served on a Starfleet bridge, so I know how difficult it is to be the first.
TENDI: That's so nice!
DATA: You have also devised a way to power my positronic matrix using a hand crank. That is quite impressive. Let us get to work.

[Town bar]

MARINER: Okay, gotta find someone dopey and trustworthy who becomes a lifelong friend.
LOCAL: Hi, can I get another one?
MARINER: Hey there, you got a best friend in the picture?
LOCAL: Ah! She horned my eye!
MARINER: Uh, sorry, I'm still getting used to the er... the nothing.
LOCAL: This lady assaulted me.
MARINER: This is just the funny way we meet. Ha, ha. Ha. We're gonna be chum buddies. You're not really mad. Come on.

[Jail]

MARINER: Not cool, man. I need to live a rich and meaningful life. Who knows when Boimler's gonna get his shit together.

[Transporter room]

BOIMLER: Come on, come on.
RUTHERFORD: There's nothing in here to clean with.
BOIMLER: Yeah, cause food's not allowed in the transporter bay. The fabric's only absorbing the absorbent stuff. It's leaving behind a horrible goo!
RUTHERFORD: We'll have to lick it off.
(Electric shocks.)

[Attic]

(7 months since arrival. A water wheel is attached to the property.)
DATA: I'm experiencing a power fluctuation. Have you adjusted the voltage stabiliser?
TENDI: Oh, I haven't. Great call. Done. No more cranking. Now your battery will get charged with hydroelectric power.
DATA: Congratulations. I believe your captain will be quite impressed.
(Knocking on door.)
TENDI: Er... just a sec!
(Throws a sheet over Data and opens the door.)
T'LYN: We are in need of currency. I will sell my Dilmerian produce at the market. Do you care to join me?
TENDI: I'm kinda busy, but good luck with your melons.
T'LYN: These are grapes.
TENDI: What?
T'LYN: The melons do not fit in the door.
(Looks out of the window.)
TENDI: They're all huge! How did you get so good at agriculture?
T'LYN: I simply isolated certain traits and accelerated growth with local fertilisers.
TENDI: Ah. Well, I'm so glad for you. Have fun in town.
T'LYN: You have spent 20 consecutive days isolated with your waterwheel. Perhaps companionship would serve you well.
TENDI: Yeah, I'm fine. Go enjoy your science fruits.
(Uncovers Data.)
DATA: T'Lyn appears to be concerned with your well-being.
TENDI: Yeah, well, she can afford to with her giant melons. I can't compete with that.
DATA: Perhaps she has simply had more hours to work on her horticulture.
TENDI: Wait, what do you mean? We've both been here the same amount of time.
DATA: Yes, but Vulcans rarely require sleep.
TENDI: Ah, you're right. I need to stop sleeping.
DATA: I only highlighted the physiological difference to counter your negative self-assessment.
TENDI: No, no, no, I'm glad you did. I'm just going to chew some stimulant leaf and work nights. It's no biggie.
DATA: I disagree. This plan could prove to be... a biggie.
TENDI: Ah, I'm fine. I'll catch up on sleep when I get back to the Cerritos.

[Town]

(Snell sees T'Lyn with her cart of giant vegetables.)
SNELL: Ah.
MARINER: Bye, everyone. See you on the outside. Two months for an eye poke? That is some Edo-level bullshit right there. Oh, go sneer at someone else, Snell.
T'LYN: Would you care to assist me in the produce market?
MARINER: Can't. I'm running out of time. I need to become a valuable member of the community stat. Oh, yeah, a fire. Okay, everybody stand back. Someone needs to protect the town.
(Extinguishes the blaze with juice from single grape.)
MARINER: You guys see that? I'm a hero!
MALE: She extinguished our eternal flame. Oh no, how are we supposed to ward off dark spirits now?
MARINER: I mean... I was just saying, if that's all it took, it couldn't have really been that eternal. And who even believes in demons, right?

[Jail]

MARINER: Hey, everybody. Miss any good rats while I was gone?

[Transporter room]

RUTHERFORD: It's working. Lick faster.
BOIMLER: Urgh, this thing tastes like Lundy smells.
RUTHERFORD: I don't think he washes his hands before he uses it.

[Attic]

(10 months since arrival. There is a big greenhouse now.)
DATA: Lieutenant? Officer, please wake up.
TENDI: Wha...? Was I drooling? I told you not to let me nod off.
DATA: You required rest to function at peak performance.
TENDI: Yeah, I gotta work around the clock if I'm gonna finish this transporter.
DATA: Do not be so hard on yourself. I struggled to build an electromagnetic field core when I was trapped in 19th century San Francisco.
TENDI: Really? Well, how'd you get back to your own time?
DATA: I waited in a cave until Captain Picard, myself, and some guy in a silver jumpsuit dug me out.
TENDI: We'll call that plan B. I need something that can boost the power conduits on this thing.
DATA: Perhaps instead you could get a little more sleep.
TENDI: No time. We gotta go shopping.

[Town]

TENDI: There have to be some minerals in this market I can use.
DATA: It seems cavalier to bring me along in this satchel.
TENDI: I couldn't leave you alone, not with Snell poking around. Ah! T'Lyn has a kiosk? What? You can't give these people advanced medicine. It breaks the prime directive.
T'LYN: Which is why it is not advanced.
TENDI: You're selling beauty products?
T'LYN: By boiling the skin of the schnoop fruit, I have discovered a natural protein filament enhancer.
TENDI: Of course you did.
T'LYN: Their improved appearance has imbued our neighbours with confidence. I have improved their lives without breaking any protocol. We are also now rich.
TENDI: I'm so happy for you.

[Transporter room]

BOIMLER: There! We got it!
RUTHERFORD: Yes! Get them back. Hurry.
BOIMLER: We have to signal the thingy, the necklace.
RUTHERFORD: Right. And that'll give them time to get away from any locals.

[Attic]

TENDI: Giving those people fancy hair has to be breaking some sort of rule, right?
DATA: I failed to see how adding bounce to curls could alter the course of civilisation.
TENDI: Wow. That's because you want T'Lyn to get the SSO job too, don't you? Admit it!
DATA: Surely your captain will select the officer best suited for the position.
TENDI: I'm getting real tired of your sass, Data.
DATA: If you are tired, then you should sleep.
TENDI: Oh, how about you get some sleep?
(Turns him off.)
SNELL: I knew it.
TENDI: I don't need sleep. I need science. I'll show you. I'll show everyone.
(Falls asleep.)
T'LYN: We have received the return signal. We must prepare for transport. Tendi, please wake up.
SNELL: Or maybe you should join her!
(Knocks T'Lyn out. Later, tied up back to back.)
TENDI: Ah!
SNELL: Did you have a nice nap, witches? Looks like old Snell's creepy lurking finally paid off.
T'LYN: We are not witches.
SNELL: Tell it to your talking, hornless demon head.
TENDI: Oh, you saw that, huh?
SNELL: Finally, everyone is going to see that my lurking protects the town.
T'LYN: Could I interest you in another juggling display?
SNELL: Yes. I mean, no! You'll put on a show soon enough when I'm back with the angry mob.
(Leaves through the window.)
T'LYN: The return beacon has been activated. We must make haste or someone may witness our beaming.
TENDI: Oh, it's all my fault. I was so focused on trying to out-science you that I let my guard down.
T'LYN: Why were you trying to out-science me?
TENDI: The agriculture? The hair tonic? We were trying to out-science each other.
T'LYN: I was unaware of a competition, but I did notice your withdrawal. My projects were an attempt to rebuild our camaraderie.
TENDI: What? They were? Oh, I hope the captain chooses you for the bridge. I couldn't keep up and you didn't even know it was a race.
T'LYN: I intend to revoke my application upon our return to the Cerritos.
TENDI: What? Why?
T'LYN: Serving at the captain's side requires skills I do not possess. A science officer must be able to communicate, which I clearly cannot.
TENDI: Yes, you can! I didn't let you because I was being competitive. All that time on Orion must have gotten in my head.
T'LYN: You chose to serve in Starfleet. I was banished here. You confronted your past while I have not. I must improve myself before I can lead.
TENDI: T'Lyn, that's not true. You're amazing and I've been a real jerk. But that ends now.
(Get to their feet and power up Data.)
DATA: Please do not shut me down mid-conversation.
TENDI: Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
T'LYN: Curious, you have activated the android's head.
DATA: That is correct.
TENDI: Data, can you chew off my bindings?
DATA: That is outside of my knowledge base, but I have seen Lieutenant Worf do this. I can try.
TENDI: Wow, you really are fully functional.

[Jail]

MARINER: Stupid soap flute. This sucks.
PRISONER: Hey, what's the matter, Big Mare?
MARINER: I had months to try and find a friend, a husband, a wife, a job, or learn a flute and I failed.
PRISONER: You made friends in here.
MARINER: Really?
PRISONER: Yeah. We love you, Big Mare. You're one of us.
MARINER: I found my alien family. They were here all along. I did it.
PRISONER: You did. And two of us are murderers.
MARINER: Shh. I don't want to know that.
GUARD: Hey, you. You're free to go.
MARINER: Really? Why?
GUARD: Eh, you got friends with powerful hair remedies.
MARINER: All right, go Team Science. Hey, can my prison pals come too?
GUARD: Hell no.
PRISONER: Oh, come on.
MARINER: Ah, sorry guys, I tried.

[Transporter room]

BOIMLER: Oh, it's been long enough. We got to do it.
(Transporter activated.)

[Town]

MARINER: All right, let's move it. We got to get to the rendezvous point.
TENDI: There's one more thing we got to do.
MARINER: We don't have time.
T'LYN: Snell saw Commander Data's head powered up and talking.
MARINER: Crap, really? Oh, that is bad.
TENDI: Uh huh. We have to make it right.
SNELL: Witches! There they are.
TENDI: Come on, Snell. Could you stop being yourself for once?
SNELL: They have an undead head that speaks.
TENDI: No, we don't.
SNELL: Yes, you do. I saw it.
MARINER: This is the plan?
SNELL: Open the bag. Ah ha! See?
(A purple fruit with a face drawn on it.)
MAN: It's just a giant grape. I bought one of those in the market. Just a grape.
SNELL: No, no, this is a trick. The head was talking.
TENDI: The lighting was pretty bad. You were probably just confused.
MAN: You spend too much time lurking, Snell. We all know it.
SNELL: Wait, no. That one can toss rocks in the air and catch them.
MAN: Who cares? Get a job, Snell.

[Planet surface]

(T'Lyn reveals what is under her cloak.)
DATA: Hello, I am Data.
MARINER: I know, you're very famous.
TENDI: I think we're in the clear.
MARINER: Ooo, can I hold Data, please? Huh, like warmer than I expected.
DATA: Why did you have a preconceived notion about my temperature?
MARINER: Because I think about you all the time. You were really cool.
DATA: I am cool? Then why does my warmth surprise you?
MARINER: Such a Data thing to say. Oh man, this is great. This is really everything I wanted it to be.
T'LYN: Snell is still lurking this way.
TENDI: Come on, Boimler, hurry.
MARINER: So it breaks the Prime Directive if someone sees your head, ut it's okay if everyone thinks Snell's a loser?
DATA: He appeared to be exhibiting traits of what you would call a loser well before he saw my head.
MARINER: Ha. Get burnt, Snell.
T'LYN: He will be here momentarily.
MARINER: Are you sure you don't want to stick in our dimension?
DATA: I need to get home to Geordi. He is my best friend.
MARINER: Aw, respect. I'd go back for Geordi too.
(They beam away just before Snell gets there.)
SNELL: Oh.

[Transporter room]

TENDI: Boimler, what the hell happened?
BOIMLER: Er, the controls had a glitch?
RUTHERFORD: Yeah, totally random er... LCARS issues.

[Ready room]

FREEMAN: Apologies for the delay, Commander Data. While the rift to your dimension is still open, we'll be sending you back soon for the Purple Enterprise to pick up.
DATA: What colour is your Enterprise?
FREEMAN: No colour, just neutral grey.
DATA: That seems like a missed opportunity when purple is an option. Captain, permission to speak freely?
FREEMAN: Of course.
DATA: While down on the planet's surface, there was some discussion as to whom would be receiving a promotion to senior science officer.
FREEMAN: Yes, I'm actually having a hard time deciding between two candidates.
DATA: Having spent a year in the field with them, I would like to make a recommendation.

[Bar]

TENDI: Guys, guess who's the new senior science officer?
RUTHERFORD: You got the job?
TENDI: No, we both did.
MARINER: Congrats! Oh, that's a great call. Good on Carol.
TENDI: Apparently, purple Data told her we were too good of a team to split up.
RUTHERFORD: And he's best science friends with Geordi so he would know.
MARINER: You okay with this?
T'LYN: I share in the opinion that we complement each other's strengths.
MARINER: Damn, T'Lyn popping off.
BOIMLER: Honestly, part of me is jealous you all got to be on a mission for so long.
MARINER: Don't act like you gave us some gift. You both owe us, big time.
BOIMLER: It was an honest mistake. It could happen to anyone.
TENDI: Food isn't allowed in the transporter bay.
T'LYN: You do indeed owe us big time.
RUTHERFORD: You had to get something out of that mission.
MARINER: Yeah, I have an emptiness that used to be filled by the love of my jail family. The only way I can handle the pain is by playing my beloved soap flute.
RUTHERFORD: Oh, come on. No, no, no, stop.
T'LYN: You do not know how to play that.
MARINER: Yes, I do. No, no, wait. Ah, I was holding it backwards. All right, listen to this.
(Data's head is sent off in a torpedo casing.)
MARINER: Yeah, that sounded good.
BOIMLER: Ah, it's so loud and screechy.
MARINER: Yeah, it's not a subtle instrument.