[Quarters]

(In orbit of Bhungar V - Buhgoon Feeding Ground)
T'LYN: Hmm. Will someone please explain why we are mutilating gourds.
TENDI: It's an ancient Earth tradition for a holiday called Halloween. Jack-o'-lanterns were supposed to keep demons from entering your home.
BOIMLER: Ha. I thought they were just spooky and fun.
RUTHERFORD: Is it sad that Tendi knows more of our history than we do?
BOIMLER: Oh, yeah.
RUTHERFORD: Check it out.
(He has carved the Cerritos and stars in his pumpkin.)
BOIMLER: Oh, look at the little Cerritos.
MARINER: Hey guys. Oh nice, I didn't miss the pumpkin party.
BOIMLER: Whoa, what's with all the paint?
MARINER: Away mission. We were supposed to study a calcified forest on Malman Five, but then we got trapped in a painting.
BOIMLER: What? No way.
MARINER: Yeah, some local was using hologram tech to take pictures of the landscape and accidentally sucked us in. It turned into a whole big epic escape. I got to ride a rainbow.
BOIMLER: Oh man, I've always wanted to get stuck in a painting.
MARINER: Anything happen while I was gone?
BOIMLER: Nope. Same old, same old.
MARINER: Huh. Classic Cerritos. You know, on other ships it's the command crew that gets into trouble, not like random lower deckers.
TENDI: That's okay. I like our commanders.
MARINER: I mean, so do I, but they're no Janeway, Kirk or Sisko, you know?
RUTHERFORD: Yeah, our guys mostly spend their time doing paperwork instead of carving V'ger!
TENDI: Oh.
BOIMLER: Whoa.
MARINER: The Creator must join with V'ger. Boimler, let's er, let's go replicate some more snacks.

[Corridor]

MARINER: All right, remember to stay out of sight or you're gonna get pulled into some boring bridge crew meeting. We deserve a day off
BOIMLER: You know, it's kind of funny, we're sort of the stars of the show around here. The commanders seemed to just fade into the background.
MARINER: Yep, without us lower deckers there'd be nothing to see. Oh crap.
STEVENS: We've got another full schedule on the old to-do list, Captain.
FREEMAN: I never get a day off, do I?
STEVENS: Not with me around.
FREEMAN: Now remember, I need a couple of hours for myself tonight.
STEVENS: Well, we'd better hurry then. Your schedule's pretty full.
FREEMAN: Never a dull moment when you're in command.

[Briefing room]

FREEMAN: Nothing would ever happen around here without the bridge crew.
(After the title sequence.)
RANSOM: The Zerta pathogen has been contained to Deck Four. Officer Barnes has almost recovered from her transformation.
FREEMAN: Oh, yes, the virus that caused her DNA to... what was it? Evolve? Devolve?
T'ANA: Both. She was a futuristic cavewoman who could read minds, but was also afraid of open flame.
SHAXS: How did you get her to stop attacking people?
T'ANA: Heh. Thought about a candle.
FREEMAN: That reminds me, Doctor T'Ana. We've had some complaints about your pain management.
T'ANA: Who squealed?
FREEMAN: Just please brush up on your anaesthetics. Security.
KAYSHON: Mosaro, when the lake was smooth.
SHAXS: Starfleet Command reports increased chatter from the Clickets. Nothing that should affect us.
FREEMAN: The who?
MIGLEEMO: They're the insectoid species that hate being complemented. Wonder what they're mad about now?
RANSOM: Maybe someone gave them a birthday present.
FREEMAN: Just keep me updated. Mister Shaxs? Are you feeling okay? Mister Shaxs, what is going on over there?
(Shaxs is having a vision of himself in red with a snake coming out of his mouth.)
FREEMAN: Mister Shaxs, you're looking a little out of sorts.
SHAXS: Requesting a day off, effective immediately.
FREEMAN: Okay, granted.
(Shaxs runs out.)
RANSOM: We still can't figure out what's got these buhgoon creatures all riled up. Hopefully the Starfleet ecologist can sort it out.
FREEMAN: Make sure he gets whatever he needs. I don't want those things defecating all over the hull. Engineering?
BILLUPS: My team refreshed all the Cordry rocks in the ceiling panels on the bridge.
RANSOM: Oh, hate those things. They always fall out and hit me on the head when we take damage.
BILLUPS: Well, their non-centrosymmetry disrupts the charged leptons in the isolinear pathways of the main deflector, which then causes...
FREEMAN: I trust you have it in hand. If there's nothing else?
RANSOM: Bring it in, everyone.
ALL: Strong and brave, wise and true, that's what makes us Cerritos crew!
RANSOM: Yeah!

[Corridor]

FREEMAN: What's up next?
STEVENS: Ensign Barnes' sousaphone recital. She hasn't mastered the basics, but she's gotten very loud.
FREEMAN: Didn't Barnes just evolve-devolve into a cavewoman?
STEVENA: Apparently it didn't affect her sousaphone blowing.
FREEMAN: Great.

[Corridor]

RANSOM [OC]: First officer's log. When a specialist visits the ship, I like to make sure they feel like they have our full support.
RANSOM: Right this way, Professor. My team's working on getting a space cow for you to check out.
ZURKEL: The buhgoon are a rare, endangered extremophile, not cows. I've never been able to study one up close before.
RANSOM: well they look like cows to me.

[Shuttle bay]

FEDEROV: What's taking you guys so long?
CASTRO: Come on.
MOXY: Get in here, you friggin thing.
CASTRO: It can't hear you. It's in space.
KARAVITUS: All right, genius, you tell me how to get it in here.
MOXY: What do you think I'm doing over here with the tractor beam.
RANSOM [OC]: While scientists can be high-maintenance, it's usually getting our lower decks to work with each other that can be the tricky part.
RANSOM: Lock it down, Ensigns. Maybe a little less arguing and you'd have one of those buhgoon in here.
CASTRO: We're trying to get one, but Ensign Friendly doesn't want to hurt their feelings.
KARAVITUS: Hey, you take that back. I'm not friendly.
FEDEROV: Do you hear yourself?
MOXY: Uh oh, it worked too well. We got an asteroid incoming. Look out!
(Asteroid crashes through the forcefield, buhgoon follows and starts to lick at it.)
MOXY: Ha. Us Delta Shifters know how to take care of a problem.
FEDEROV: Hey, you almost killed me.
MOXY: Then why don't you almost complain about it?
(The buhgoon becomes invisible.)
RANSOM: Huh? What the heck?
ZURKEL: A natural cloaking ability.
RANSOM: Ha. They use their hide to hide.
KARAVITUS: Somebody grab it!
CASTRO: What do you mean, grab it. It's the size of a shuttle!
KARAVITUS: Don't you talk to me like that.
CASTRO: I never want to work with you again.
MOXY: Gah! It rolled on my foot!
CASTRO: What is wrong with you?
RANSOM: This reminds me of a story. Back a few hundred stardates ago, there was another commander who could bench 305. Okay? Which meant I had to do something to impress her...
(Later...)
RANSOM: ..I couldn't beat Big Wave Tommy because he was king of the beach. It took a lot of gnar shredding, but once you get your water feet you are locked in. So a week before the competition, I started eating a lot of junga fruit.

[Shaxs quarters]

SHAXS [OC]: Chief security officer, personal log. The visions are happening again, more potent than ever before. SHAXS: I don't care how many times you come back to haunt me. I'll never let you win. ALT-SHAXS: You can't fight me, because I am you, Papa Bear.
SHAXS: No. You're a freaky little monster that lives in my brain.
PAH-WRAITH: Oh. Am I?

[Battlefield]

SHAXS: The Battle of Tempasa? The Cardassians put a bomb in the artefact. Everyone get down! Ah!
(Explosion.)

[Shaxs quarters]

ALT-SHAXS: As time passes I grow stronger, while you get older and fade away.
SHAXS: I'll kill you. I'll... To control you, I have to control myself.
ALT-SHAXS: That's stupid. Hit me! Pathetic. Humming won't hurt me.
PAH-WRAITH: But I will.

[Engineering]

BILLUPS [OC]: Chief engineer's log. I had a bagel for breakfast, and it gave me a tummy ache, but I'm feeling better. Anyway, nothing engineering-wise to report. Okay. Bye.
MEREDITH: Commander, are you busy?
BILLUPS: Just monitoring plasma flow. What's up, Ensign?
MEREDITH: Er, sir?
BILLUPS: Oh no. Everyone, out of here now.
MEREDITH: What is it?
BILLUPS: Retrofitted plasma canisters. Help me pull off the panels. Careful, they're gonna be hot.
MEREDITH: Retrofitted?
BILLUPS: Sometimes I have to get a little creative with repairs. I guess I never bothered to replace them.
MEREDITH: Are they dangerous?
BILLUPS: They're chock-full of energized plasma. We have to disable their power source, or an overload could cascade back to the warp core.
MEREDITH: Are you sure you can't do this on your own?
BILLUPS: You're the one who spotted the bulb. It's a good learning experience.
MEREDITH: Even if I die?
BILLUPS: Everybody dies, but it's the engineers who really get to live.

[Sickbay - office]

T'ANA [OC]: Chief medical officers fucking log. I should be focusing on my work, but I got some constructive criticism in the staff briefing that's got me in a shitty mood.
WESTLAKE: I refilled the hyposprays. We're good to go next time some virus makes everyone sing or whatever.
T'ANA: Shut up and leave me alone.
WESTLAKE: Oh ho, someone woke up on the nasty side of the bed today.
T'ANA: Spare me your shit, Westlake.
WESTLAKE: Nobody else is gonna put up with you, honey.
T'ANA: Apparently some of the crew don't like my pain management.
WESTLAKE: Er, because you don't? Manage pain, I mean.
T'ANA: Sick people come in, healthy people go out. That should be enough.
WESTLAKE: You swore an oath to do no harm.
T'ANA: Someone's not happy, they can point to the pain chart.
(Choices - I feel good, and Other.)
WESTLAKE: just because you have a high pain tolerance doesn't mean anyone else does.
T'ANA: Okay. Yeah, I see what you're saying.
WESTLAKE: Good. I'll restock the anaesth...
T'ANA: We have to update the pain chart.
(Straps herself to a bio bed and hands him a laser scalpel.)
WESTGATE: What are you doing?
T'ANA: You're gonna fuck me up so I can feel some pain.
WESTLAKE: No, this is stupid.
T'ANA: It was your idea. Now shut up and rearrange my guts. Come on, turn up the... Oh, fuck yes!

[Bar]

(Barnes' sousaphone recital.)
FREEMAN: Ah, just beautiful. Hardly affected by your protruding brow.

[Multi-purpose room]

(Fertility event. It's a lifeform!)
ENSIGN: When my reproductive jelly started emulsifying my first thought was, I hope the captain attends my fertility event.
FREEMAN: I honestly didn't even know you weren't human.
ENSIGN: I get that all the time. Oh, here we go!
(Stevens protects Freeman from the tentacles and blood with an umbrella.)

[Stage 6]

(Winger Bingston One Man Show)
BINGSTON: I've hit rock bottom. My friends had all discovered what I was doing on the holodeck. They shunned me. I felt stuck out of phase like Geordi and Ro wandering... alone.
FREEMAN: Stirring stuff. Mister Bingston. I wish I could stay...
BINGSTON: Act seven, the Oberth year. The Manticore was known as one of the fleet's fun ships, but it's hard to have fun when you go from being the star of the show to a two bit player...

[Shuttle bay]

RANSOM [OC]: First officer's log, supplemental. What should have been a pretty straightforward creature study has gone a little sideways.
MOXY: We got two more incoming. Ah! Damn it.
RANSOM: Ransom roll.
CASTRO: Watch out for the shuttles!
FEDEROV: You let it go right past you!
KARAVITUS: I can't grab what I can't see.
CASTRO: Me? You'd dumber than Fletcher.
FEDEROV: Great idea pulling a rock in here. Now. We can't keep them away
MOXY: What are you talking about, bro? You had the same idea!
ZURKEL: I can't get a scan if you don't calm them down.
KARAVITUS: What does it look like I'm doing?
RANSOM [OC]: Usually my expert guidance cuts through any crew conflict, but occasionally, I have to resort to plan B.
RANSOM: Still can't get it together, huh? Gather round. Your commander is here and I have a plan. On one hand, you have these rowdy space cows.
ZURKEL: Buhgoon.
RANSOM: And on the other, they're turning invisible and knocking everyone over. Oh yeah, that's the stuff.
MOXY: How is this supposed to help?
RANSOM: You gotta believe in the power of exercise.
KARAVITUS: Is he just working out?
FEDEROV: Come on. Let's try to corner one.
RANSOM: Physical fitness clears the mind. Oh yeah.

[Engineering]

BILLUPS: Those tubes were connected to a half-assed coil relay. I must have been distracted. Maybe my mom was visiting?
MEREDITH: So we got to turn that off, too?
BILLUPS: Oh, it's an artificial construct that... whoa!
(Grabbed by the golem.)
BILLUPS: Meredith, it's up to you!
MEREDITH: What do I do?
(In the golem's mouth.)
BILLUPS: Force a reboot by holding down its power button while telling a sad story from your childhood that demonstrates human emotion.
MEREDITH: One time when I was a kid, my dad took me to the beach and we saw a dead fish?
BILLUPS: That's not sad enough.

[Sickbay]

T'ANA: Aw, for fuck's sake, I haven't been overwhelmed with pain yet. We need to up the ante.
WESTLAKE: But this is used to slice atoms.
T'ANA: Yeah, motherfucker, just zap me with that motherfucking thing! Ah! That's the stuff! Whoo! Meow!

[Shaxs quarters]

(Physical Shaxs is meditating while his wraith fights the pah-wraith in the battleground.)
PAH-WRAITH: You can snap my neck, but what will you do against all your victims? All the Cardassian warriors getting their revenge.
ALT-SHAXS: They weren't warriors. They were occupiers!

[Shuttlebay]

FEDEROV: That is literally the wrong way to do that.
KARAVITUS: Blah, blah, blah. Who do you think you are, Picard?
RANSOM: (lifting weights) Oh yeah.
(Zurkel gets knocked over and runs out.)

[Corridor]

FREEMAN: You're not from Starfleet.
ZURKEL: That's right.
STEVENS: You'll never take the Cerritos.
ZURKEL: We don't want your puny ship. We want the buhgoon.
FREEMAN: Why?
ZURKEL: To harvest their cloaking organs, and maybe eat what's left, depending on texture and flavour.
STEVENS: You're why they've been so agitated.
FREEMAN: Your plan can't be to take control on your own.
ZURKEL: Of course not, which is why my infiltrators are targeting your senior officers.

[Shuttle bay]

KARAVITUS: He worked out so much he had to take a nap?
CASTRO: You are the worst commander I've ever had in my life. Wake up!

[Corridor]

ZURKEL: You and your pathetic crew are no match for my infiltrators. Everyone ignores the Clickets, but once we have the power to cloak our ships. We'll spread all over the quadrant!
FREEMAN: Clickets, Clickets. Why does that ring a bell?
ZURKEL: Ring a bell... see? You don't even know us. And we've faced off before.
FREEMAN: We have?
(Barnes knocks Zurkel out.)
FREEMAN: Thanks, Ensign.
BARNES: Thank you for coming to my recital. Ah! Sorry, I thought I saw some fire.
FREEMAN: On your feet, Stevens. We have invaders to repel.
STEVENS: But that's not on the schedule.

[Engineering]

MEREDITH: I'm sorry, sir. I never should have messed with that light.
BILLUP: If you hadn't, we wouldn't have found all that stuff to fix.
MEREDITH: You gotta let me get you out of there.
BILLUPS: No, you'd let all the coolant out. It's okay. This is how all engineers want to go. At work, in a tube.
MEREDITH: I can't let that happen.
BILLUPS: What are you doing? That axe as for emergencies only
MEREDITH: What's your definition of an emergency? We're in this together, sir.
BILLUPS: Fine, then hurry.
(Out of the tube.)
BILLUPS: We need to couple the deuterium conduits before the thermal blankets push the valve blocks into the adjustment coils.
MEREDITH: And I'll deactivate the magnetic constrictors while you cycle the reactor conduits.

[Shuttle bay]

FEDEROV: Sir, can we get some guidance on the... whoa! What the hell?
CLICKET: Die, Starfleet!
CASTRO: Deltas, take a left!
KARAVITUS: On it!
(Four against one, Moxy pushes a heavy crate onto its head.)
KARAVITUS: We did it!
CASTRO: Listen, us Beta shifters don't like you Delta shifters for all sorts of reasons.
KARAVITUS: Right back at you.
CASTRO: But we can at least agree that Ransom's the worst.
KARAVITAS: Totally. He sucks.
MOXY: Big time.
FEDEROV: I think he likes that we don't get along. It's like some weird power trip.
CASTRO: How about we put aside our differences and work together to get these buhgoon under control just to spite him.
KARAVITUS: Yeah.
MOXY: I'm in.
FEDEROV: Let's do it.
(Ransom snoring.)
MOXY: Shh, shh. Over here, over here.
(Gently herding buhgoon.)
FEDEROV: Get over here, big guy.

[Corridor]

FREEMAN: Damn it, we need to get to the bridge.
(More Clickets approach. Barnes attacks with her sousaphone and knocks them all out.)
FREEMAN: I'm just glad you don't play the recorder.
CLICKET: One more step and you'll feel pain like you've never felt before.
(Bandaged T'Ana steps out of sickbay and it shoots her.)
CLICKET: That was set to kill.
T'ANA: So am I!
(The defeated Clicket reaches for its weapon, and gets a foot on its head.)
WESTLAKE: And scene.

[Shaxs quarters]

(In his meditation, his alt kills the last Cardassian and re-enters his body.)
CLICKET: Die, Starfleet!
(Eyes still closed, Shaxs deals with them. Then the Pah-wraith -another CLicket - enters and gets bear-hugged.)
PAH-WRAITH: Put me down!
SHAXS: Welcome to the bear pack.
(Shaxs breaks its back. His wraiths return to his mind and he wakes to find twitching Clickets all around him.)
SHAX: Oh. Oh, buddy, sorry about that.

[Bridge]

ZURKEL [on screen]: My infiltrators have taken over every deck, Captain. You have no power over my warriors.
(Clickets enter.)
FREEMAN: The Clickets. You're right, I don't. I guess I have to compliment you on a successful invasion.
ZURKEL [on screen]: Ah! What did you say?
FREEMAN: You're amazing at subterfuge.
ZURKEL [on screen]: Stop!
BARNES: What's happening?
FREEMAN: You see? This is why you pay attention in the morning briefing. Clickets can't stand being complimented
ZURKEL [on screen]: Gah! Your kind words burn me!
FREEMAN: It's not my fault your species evolved a fight-or-flight response to being praised.
(Stevens initiates a ship wide message.)
ZURKEL [on screen]: I'll kill you.
FREEMAN: You're handsome. You've got amazing breath. I love your work. I'm impressed with your whole vibe. At the end of the day, you're a captain doing his best to watch out for his crew, and I respect that.
ZURKEL [on screen]: Argh! Emergency transport. Everyone out of there now!
(All the Clickets fly off in their ships.)
FREEMAN: What a bunch of weirdos.

[Shuttle bay]

CASTRO: There you go. Go home, big guy.
(The last buhgoon leaves.)
KARAVITUS: These things aren't so bad once they calm down.
CASTRO: You're not so bad yourself. Sorry for being such a hard-ass earlier.
KARAVITUS: I guess nothing brings people together like a mutual enemy. I'm talking about Ransom, not the invaders.
CASTRO: You guys want to hit the bar?
KARAVITUS: Er, yes.
(The ensigns leave.)
RANSOM: Ha. Works every time. First officer's log. As usual, my grasp of the lower-decker mind has proven to... Oh, er carry on, Ensign.
MOXY: I know you just pretend to be an idiot to trick us into getting along.
RANSOM: Are you gonna tell anyone?
MOXY: No. I think it's cute. Plus, everyone thinks you're a doofus. Nobody would believe me.
RANSOM: 'Cause I'm just that good at the job.

[Engineering]

MEREDITH: It was a scary, weird day, but it really was a good learning experience. Thanks, Andarithio.
BILLUPS: Whoa, gonna stop you right there. First names only when we're on the brink of death.
MEREDITH: Yes, sir. I'll get to dismantling that electronic face.
CADET: Commander Billups, are you busy?
BILLUPS: What's up, Cadet?
CADET: I found a burnt-out indicator light above the door. Could you help me with the repair?
BILLUPS: Let's do this.

[Corridor]

FREEMAN: So, what's next on the schedule?
STEVENS: Nothing. You're all good.
FREEMAN: Come on, Stevens. Those Clickets had to put us behind. See? Look, there's a meeting in holodeck three.
STEVENS: But you said you needed some time off.
FREEMAN: Yeah, it's my anniversary today. I was gonna try to have a nice long call with Admiral Freeman.
STEVENS: You still should.
FREEMAN: I know little meetings with the crew seem inconsequential, but they're the most important part of being a captain. The Admiral will understand.
(Holodeck door opens. Man in civilian clothes holding a bouquet.)
FREEMAN: Zo?
ADMIRAL: Carol? What are the odds of seeing you here?
FREEMAN: How did you...
ADMIRAL: Mister Stevens reached out a month ago, said he made sure to put some time on your schedule so I could surprise you with a romantic dinner.

[Holodeck Three]

(Restaurant with view of the Tour Eiffel.)
FREEMAN: Oh, honey, I can't believe you came all the way out here from Earth.
ADMIRAL: Happy anniversary. How was your day?
FREEMAN: Alien invaders, chaos in engineering, Shaxs fighting demons. You know, just the usual.
ADMIRAL: Glad to hear you had it easy.

[Bar]

MIGLEEMO: Mister Shaxs, you made a quick exit from the morning meeting.
SHAXS: Oh, just my usual fight with the astral projection of my unresolved rage from the occupation.
MIGLEEMO: Did you know therapy can armour you with even more weapons for your metaphysical battles?
SHAXS: When can we start?
T'ANA: Ow! Fuck, that chowder's hot. Okay, fine, I get it. We can stock up on pain meds.
WESTLAKE: That's a good kitty.
T'ANA: Ah, shut up. (purrs)
MARINER: Ah, bar sweet bar.
TENDI: I think I just heard someone say they fended off invaders. Did we miss something?
BOIMLER: No way. Nothing ever happens if we're not involved.
T'LYN: Perhaps our commanders are the leads of their own stories when we are not observing them.
MARINER: Ha. No way. We're the spice and glitter around here.
TENDI: Is it that hard to believe they do interesting stuff too?
MARINER: Yes. That's my whole world view. Stop trying to shake it.
TENDI: I saw your dad in the hall.
MARINER: Yeah, right. That's impossible.
RUTHERFORD: I saw him too. He was kissing your mom.
MARINER: Stop making stuff up.
T'LYN: I saw Admiral Freeman and the captain getting trapped in a painting.
MARINER: What? No way. Really?
T'LYN: No. I have made a joke at your expense. Boom.