Aliens of London

Original Airdate: Apr 16, 2005

[Powell Estate]

(The Tardis materialises. Rose and the Doctor get out.)
ROSE: How long have I been gone?
DOCTOR: About twelve hours.
ROSE: Oh. Right, I won't be long. I just want to see my mum.
DOCTOR: What're you going to tell her?
ROSE: I don't know. I've been to the year 5 billion and only been gone, what, twelve hours? No, I'll just tell her I spent the night at Shareen's. See you later. Oh, don't you disappear.
(While Rose runs up the stairs to the flat, the Doctor spots an old poster half stuck to a concrete pillar. Police Appeal for Assistance. Can You Help?)

[The Tyler's flat]

ROSE: I'm back! I was with Shareen. She was all upset again. Are you in? So, what's been going on? How've you been? What? What's that face for? It's not the first time I've stayed out all night.
(Jackie drops her mug of tea. It smashes on the floor. The Doctor finishes reading the poster and runs to the flat. The poster says - Rose Tyler has been missing from her home on the Powell Estate since 6th March 2005.)
JACKIE: It's you.
ROSE: Of course it's me.
JACKIE: Oh, my God. It's you. Oh my God. (Jackie hugs Rose, who spots several different types of missing person posters on the table. The Doctor runs in.)
DOCTOR: It's not twelve hours, it's twelve months. You've been gone a whole year. Sorry.
(Outside, a young boy has spray-painted Bad Wolf on the side of the Tardis. Inside, astonishment has given way to fury, and a policeman has been called.)
JACKIE: The hours I've sat here, days and weeks and months, all on my own. I thought you were dead, and where were you? Travelling. What the hell does that mean, travelling? That's no sort of answer. You ask her. She won't tell me. That's all she says. Travelling.
ROSE: That's what I was doing.
JACKIE: When your passport's still in the drawer? It's just one lie after another.
ROSE: I meant to phone. I really did. I just I forgot.
JACKIE: What, for a year? You forgot for a year? And I am left sitting here. I just don't believe you. Why won't you tell me where you've been?
DOCTOR: Actually, it's my fault. I sort of er, employed Rose as my companion.
POLICEMAN: When you say companion, is this a sexual relationship?
ROSE + DOCTOR: No.
JACKIE: Then what is it? Because you, you waltz in here all charm and smiles, and the next thing I know, she vanishes off the face of the Earth! How old are you then? Forty? Forty five? What, did you find her on the Internet? Did you go online and pretend you're a doctor?
DOCTOR: I am a Doctor.
JACKIE: Prove it. Stitch this, mate!
(Jackie hits the Doctor, hard. Later, in the kitchen, mother and daughter are reconciled.)
JACKIE: Did you think about me at all?
ROSE: I did. All the time, but
JACKIE: One phone call. Just to know that you were alive.
ROSE: I'm sorry. I really am.
JACKIE: Do you know, what terrifies me is that you still can't say. What happened to you, Rose? What can be so bad that you can't tell me, sweetheart? Where were you?

[Powell Estate]

(Up on the roof of the block.)
ROSE: I can't tell her. I can't even begin. She's never going to forgive me. And I missed a year. Was it good?
DOCTOR: Middling.
ROSE: You're so useless.
DOCTOR: Well, if it's this much trouble, are you going to stay here now?
ROSE: I don't know. I can't do that to her again, though.
DOCTOR: Well, she's not coming with us.
ROSE: No chance.
DOCTOR: I don't do families.
ROSE: She slapped you!
DOCTOR: Nine hundred years of time and space, and I've never been slapped by someone's mother.
ROSE: Your face.
DOCTOR: It hurt!
ROSE: You're so gay. When you say nine hundred years?
DOCTOR: That's my age.
ROSE: You're nine hundred years old.
DOCTOR: Yeah.
ROSE: My mum was right. That is one hell of an age gap. Every conversation with you just goes mental. There's no one else I can talk to. I've seen all that stuff up there, the size of it, and I can't say a word. Aliens and spaceships and things, and I'm the only person on planet Earth who knows they exist.
(There is a deep horn and a spaceship, trailing black smoke passes overhead and heads for the city. It misses Tower Bridge, weaves around St Paul's, then with a nasty back-fire and a splutter, dives for the Thames, taking out the Clock Tower at what at first glance looks like 9:58 except the dial is actually backwards, silly special effects people. Big Ben chimes once and the spaceship crashes into the river. The Doctor and Rose watch a plume of black smoke rise into the air on the horizon.)
ROSE: Oh, that's just not fair.

[Street]

(Naturally, the army have closed the roads, much to the annoyance of car drivers.)
MAN: Just my luck.
SOLDIER: Get back. Get back.
DOCTOR: It's blocked off.
ROSE: We're miles from the centre. The city must be grid locked. The whole of London must be closing down.
DOCTOR: I know. I can't believe I'm here to see this. This is fantastic!
ROSE: Did you know this was going to happen?
DOCTOR: Nope.
ROSE: Do you recognise the ship?
DOCTOR: Nope.
ROSE: Do you know why it crashed?
DOCTOR: Nope.
ROSE: Oh, I'm so glad I've got you.
DOCTOR: I bet you are. This is what I travel for, Rose. To see history happening right in front of us.
ROSE: Well, let's go and see it. Never mind the traffic, we've got the Tardis.
DOCTOR: Better not. They've already got one spaceship in the middle of London. I don't want to shove another one on top.
ROSE: Yeah, but yours looks like a big blue box. No one's going to notice.
DOCTOR: You'd be surprised. Emergency like this, there'll be all kinds of people watching. Trust me. The Tardis stays where it is.
ROSE: So history's happening and we're stuck here.
DOCTOR: Yes, we are.
MAN: It's got to be Ken Livingstone, hasn't it. 
ROSE: We could always do what everybody else does. We could watch it on TV.

[The Tyler's flat]

(News 24 is on the scene.)
REPORTER [OC]: Big Ben destroyed as a UFO crash lands in Central London. Police reinforcements are drafted in from across the country to control widespread panic, looting and civil disturbance. A state of national emergency has been declared. Tom Hitchinson is at the scene.
HITCHINSON [on TV]: The police are urging the public not to panic. There's a help line number on screen right now if you're worried about friends or family.
(US news channel AMNN.)
WOMAN [on TV]: The military are on the lookout for more spaceships. Until then, all flights in North American air space have been grounded.
(Back to News 24.)
HITCHINSON [on TV]: The army are sending divers into the wreck of the spaceship. No one knows what they're going to find.
(AMNN)
WOMAN [on TV]: The President will address the nation live from the White House, but the Secretary General has asked that people watch the skies.
(Jackie brings in a mug for Rose and her friend Ru Chan, but not the Doctor.)
JACKIE: I've got no choice.
RU: You've broken your mother's heart.
JACKIE: I'm not going to make him welcome.
RU: I cradled her like a child.
DOCTOR: Oi, I'm trying to listen.
(Cut to outside 10 Downing Street.)
REPORTER [OC]: His current whereabouts. News is just coming in. We can go to Tom at the Embankment.
HITCHINSON [on TV]: They've found a body. It's unconfirmed,

[Embankment]

HITCHINSON: But I'm being told a body has been found in the wreckage. A body of non-terrestrial origins. It's being brought ashore.

[The Tyler's flat]

(The gathering is turning into a welcome home party for Rose, with wine being served.)
HITCHINSON [on TV]: A body of some sort has been found inside the wreckage of the spacecraft.
JACKIE: Oh, guess who asked me out. Billy Crewe.
HITCHINSON [on TV]: Brought to the nearest shore. Unconfirmed reports say that the body is of extra-terrestrial origin. An extraordinary event unfolding here live here in Central London. The body is being transferred to a secure unit mortuary, the whereabouts is yet unknown. The roads in Central London are being
(The channel changes to Blue Peter.)
MATT BAKER [on TV]: And when you've stuck your fins on, you can cover the whole lot in buttercream.
(A toddler is on the Doctor's lap, wrestling for the remote.)
MATT BAKER [on TV]: Oh, look at that. Then ice it any colour you want. Here's one I made a little bit earlier. And look at that, your very own spaceship ready to eat. And for something a little extra special
(News 24 returns.)
HITCHINSON [OC]: Albion Hospital. We still don't know whether it's alive or dead. Whitehall is denying everything.

[Outside the hospital]

HITCHINSON: But the body has been brought here, Albion Hospital. The road's closed off. It's the closest to the river.

[The Tyler's flat]

DOCTOR: Go on. 
HITCHINSON [on TV]: I'm being told that General Asquith is now entering the hospital. The building's been evacuated. The patients have been moved out onto the

[Outside the hospital]

HITCHINSON: Streets. The police still won't confirm the presence of an alien body contained inside those walls.

[Mortuary]

(The General marches along the corridor with an escort, and into the room where a dainty oriental physician is in attendance of a large lump under a white sheet.)
ASQUITH: Let's have a look, then.
(She pulls back the sheet. Everyone say Hi to Naoko Mori.)
ASQUITH: Good God. And that's real? It's not a hoax or a dummy, or a
SATO: I've x-rayed the skull. It's wired up inside like nothing I've ever seen before. No one could make this up.
ASQUITH: We've got experts being flown in. Until they arrive, get that out of sight.
(The body is placed into Body Cold Chamber number 5.)

[Corridor]

SATO: Excuse me, sir? I know it's a state of emergency and there's a lot of rumour flying around, but is it true what they're saying about the Prime Minister?

[The Tyler's flat]

(Reporting from outside Number 10.)
ANDREW MARR [on TV]: Mystery still surrounds there whereabouts of the Prime Minister. He's not been seen since the emergency began. The opposition are criticising his lack of leadership, and. Hold on.
(An official car pulls up and a portly man gets out.)
ANDREW MARR [on TV]: Oh, that's Joseph Green, MP for Hartley Dale. He's Chairman of the Parliamentary Commission

[Downing Street]

ANDREW MARR: On the monitoring of sugar standards in exported confectionary. With respect, hardly the most important person right now.

[Entrance hall]

GANESH: Indra Ganesh, sir. Junior secretary with the MOD. I'll be your liaison.
GREEN: Where the hell is he?
GANESH: If we could talk in private, sir. Follow me upstairs.
HARRIET: Excuse me! Harriet Jones. MP for Flydale North.
GANESH: I'm sorry, can it wait?
HARRIET: But I did have an appointment at 3:15.
GANESH: Yes, and a spaceship crashed in the middle of London. I think the schedule might have changed.
(The men head up the stairs.)

[Grand staircase]

GANESH: You've heard about the alien body, sir?
GREEN: Never mind that, where is he? Where's the Prime Minister?
GANESH: No one knows, sir. He's disappeared. I have to inform you that with the city gridlocked and the Cabinet stranded outside London, that makes you acting Prime Minister with immediate effect.
GREEN: Oh, Lord. Oh, hold on. (fart!) Pardon me. It's just a nervous stomach. Anyway.

[Outer office]

(A well-built man and woman are here.)
GANESH: Margaret Blaine. She's with MI5.
MARGARET: There's no more information, sir. I personally escorted the Prime Minister from the cabinet room to his car. This is Oliver Charles, transport liaison.
CHARLES: The car's disappeared. There's no record of it, sir. It literally vanished. 
GREEN: Right. Inside. Tell me everything.
GANESH: Er, sir?
(Ganesh holds out a Ministerial Red Box.)
GANESH: The emergency protocols. Detailing the actions to be taken by the government of Great Britain in the event of an alien incursion.
GREEN: Right. Good. (fart!) Blimey. Pardon me.
(Green takes the Red Box.)
GREEN: Let's work, eh?
(Green follows Margaret and Charles into the Cabinet Room and puts the Box down on the table. They all start laughing.)

[Outside the Tyler's flat]

ROSE: And where do you think you're going?
DOCTOR: Nowhere. It's just a bit human in there for me. History just happened and they're talking about where you can buy dodgy top-up cards for half price. I'm off on a wander, that's all.
ROSE: Right. There's a spaceship on the Thames and you're just wandering.
DOCTOR: Nothing to do with me. It's not an invasion. That was a genuine crash landing. Angle of descent, colour of smoke, everything. It's perfect.
ROSE: So?
DOCTOR: So maybe this is it. First contact. The day mankind officially comes into contact with an alien race. I'm not interfering because you've got to handle this on your own. That's when the human race finally grows up. Just this morning you were all tiny and small and made of clay. Now you can expand.
(David Bowie is singing Starman in the background.)
DOCTOR: You don't need me. Go and celebrate history. Spend some time with your mum.
ROSE: Promise you won't disappear?
DOCTOR: Tell you what. Tardis key. It's about time you had one. See you later.

[Powell Estate]

WOMAN: Oi, gorgeous! Come back and join the party!
(Mickey has gone out onto his balcony to check on the state of his trainers, and sees the Doctor walking back to the Tardis.)
MICKEY: Oh my God!
(Mickey runs out of his flat as the Doctor goes inside the Tardis. It dematerialises.)
MICKEY: Wait, Doctor! Doctor!
(Mickey crashes full pelt into the corrugated iron shutters of the empty shop behind where the Tardis was parked. He tries to walk away nonchalantly.
(The Tardis is not happy in flight. The Doctor resorts to a large hammer to sort things out.)

[Outer office]

(The MP for Flydale North brings the Junior Secretary a cup.)
HARRIET: I bet no one's bought you a coffee.
GANESH: Thank you.
HARRIET: Pleasure.
GANESH: You still can't go in.
HARRIET: Damn. You've seen through my cunning plan.
GANESH: Look, I'm sorry. It's just impossible.
HARRIET: Not even for two minutes? I don't get many chances to walk these corridors. I'm hardly one of the Babes, just a faithful back bencher. And I know we've had a brave new world land right on our doorstep, and that's wonderful. I think that's probably wonderful. Nevertheless, ordinary life keeps ticking away. I need to enter this paper.
(The trio leave the Cabinet Room.)
HARRIET: Oh, Mister Green, sir. I know you're busy, but could you put this on the next Cabinet agenda?
GREEN: What is it?
HARRIET: Cottage hospitals. I've worked out a system whereby cottage hospitals do not have to be excluded from centers of excellence. You see, my mother's in the Flydale infirmary. That's my constituency. Tiny little place, you wouldn't know it, but it's given me a chance to
GREEN: By all the saints, get some perspective, woman! I'm busy.
(Ganesh grabs his jacket and follows the trio out. Harriet goes into the Cabinet Room and closes the door. She puts her proposal in the Red Box then notices the Emergency Protocols file inside it. She sits down and starts reading.)

[Albion Hospital]

(Doctor Sato is looking over her notes when she hears a thumping noise coming from Body Cold Chamber number 5.
(The Tardis, meanwhile, has parked herself in a store room. The Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver on the door lock.)
DOCTOR: Shush!
(Toshiko moves towards the chamber, and the thumping turns into a knocking.)

[Meeting room]

(The Doctor walks into a room full of Red Berets - the Parachute Regiment. They stare at each other in silence for a moment, then the soldiers grab their weapons and point them at the Doctor. Something bursts out of the cooler, and Toshiko screams. Everyone hears it.)
DOCTOR: Defence plan delta! Come on. Move! Move!
(He leads the Marines out of the room at the double.)

[Mortuary]

(Toshiko is cowering by her desk. She has a cut on her head.)
SATO: It's alive!
DOCTOR: Spread out. Tell the perimeter it's a lockdown.
SATO: My god. It's still alive.
DOCTOR: Do it!

[Albion Hospital]

SOLDIER: Mick, Terry, side rooms. Now!
SOLDIER 2: Clear!
SOLDIER 3: Front clear!
SOLDIER: Keep it moving!
SOLDIER 4: Clear!

[Mortuary]

SATO: I swear it was dead.
DOCTOR: Coma, shock, hibernation, anything. What does it look like?
(Metal clattering.)
DOCTOR: It's still here.
(The Doctor gestures to a soldier outside the door to come in and kneel by Toshiko. Behind a filing cabinet is - a pig?)
DOCTOR: Hello.
(The pig runs out on its hind legs. It is wearing a spacesuit.)
DOCTOR: Don't shoot!

[Corridor]

(Another soldier shoots the pig.)
DOCTOR: What did you do that for? It was scared! It was scared.

[Cabinet Room]

ASQUITH [OC]: I've got the White House phoning me direct because Downing Street won't answer their calls. This is outrageous! We haven't even started the vaccination programme. This is appalling. The nations of the world are watching the United Kingdom.
(Harriet packs away the documents and runs to the door to see the General berating the Trio in the outer office. She looks for somewhere to hide.)
GREEN [OC]: Well, it has all been a bit of a shock.
ASQUITH [OC]: This is the greatest crisis in modern history and you've done nothing. Your behaviour has been shameful, sir. You're supposed to be in charge. We need positive leadership. The capital's ground to a halt.
(Harriet disappears into a cupboard just as they enter.)
ASQUITH: Furthermore, we can only assume that the Prime Minister's disappearance is the direct result of hostile alien action, and what have you been doing? Nothing.
GREEN: Sorry. Sorry. I thought I was Prime Minister now.
ASQUITH: Only by default.
GREEN: Oh, that's not fair. I've been having such fun.
ASQUITH: You think this is fun?
GREEN: It's a hoot, this job.
MARGARET: Honestly, it's super.
(Fart!)
CHARLES: Oh, excuse me. (Fart!) Oh!
(The trio laugh, and fart almost continuously from now on. Very juvenile.)
ASQUITH: What's going on here? Where's the rest of the cabinet? Why haven't they been airlifted in?
GREEN: I cancelled it. They'd only get in the way. Oh, there I go.
MARGARET: Oh, and me! I'm shaking my booty.
ASQUITH: Sir! Under Section Five of the emergency protocols, it is my duty to relieve you of command. And by God, I'll put this country under marshal law if I have to.
GREEN: Oh, I'm scared. I mean, that's hair-raising. I mean, literally. Look!
(Green unzips his forehead, and a blue light pours out. Margaret and Charles do the same. Harriet watches, horrified, as we hear blubbery, squelching noises. There is a whumph! and General Asquith screams.)

[Mortuary]

SATO: I just assumed that's what aliens look like, but you're saying it's an ordinary pig from Earth.
DOCTOR: More like a mermaid. Victorian showmen used to draw the crowds by taking the skull of a cat, gluing it to a fish and calling it a mermaid. Now someone's taken a pig, opened up it's brain, stuck bits on, then they've strapped it in that ship and made it dive bomb. It must've been terrified. They've taken this animal and turned it into a joke.
SATO: So it's a fake, a pretend, like the mermaid. But the technology augmenting its brain, it's like nothing on Earth. It's alien. Aliens are faking aliens. But why would they do that? Doctor?
(He's gone.)

[Corridor]

SATO: Doctor?
(The Tardis dematerialises.)

[The Tyler's flat]

JACKIE: Here's to the Martians!
ALL: The Martians!
(Except Rose. Mickey enters.)
TELEVISION: Crisis, with no head of state. Since the Royal Family have been evacuated
ROSE: I was going to come and see you.
RU: Someone owes Mickey an apology.
ROSE: I'm sorry.
RU: Not you.
JACKIE: Well, it's not my fault. Be fair. What was I supposed to think?
TELEVISION: Designate, though she insists this was a matter for the electorate.

[The Tyler's kitchen]

MICKEY: You disappear, who do they turn to? Your boyfriend. Five times I was taken in for questioning. Five times. No evidence. Course, there couldn't be, could there? And then I get her, your mother, whispering around the estate, pointing the finger. Stuff through my letterbox, and all 'cos of you.
ROSE: I didn't think I'd be gone so long.
MICKEY: And I waited for you, Rose. Twelve months, waiting for you and the Doctor to come back.
JACKIE: Hold on. You knew about the Doctor? Why didn't you tell me?
(Mickey shuts the serving hatch and the door.)
MICKEY: Yeah, yeah. Why not, Rose? Huh? How could I tell her where you went?
JACKIE: Tell me now.
MICKEY: I might as well, 'cos you're stuck here. The Doctor's gone. Just now. That box thing just faded away.
ROSE: What do you mean?
MICKEY: He's left you. Some boyfriend he turned out to be.
(Rose runs out of the flat. Mickey follows her.)

[Powell Estate]

ROSE: He wouldn't just go, he promised me.
MICKEY: Oh, he's dumped you, Rose. Sailed off into space. How does it feel, huh? Now you are left behind with the rest of us Earthlings. Get used to it.
ROSE: He would have said.
JACKIE: What're you two chimps going on about? What's going on? What's this Doctor done now?
MICKEY: Ho, ho, ho. He's vamoosed.
ROSE: He's not, because he gave me this. He's not my boyfriend, Mickey. He's better than that. He's much more important than
(The Tardis key begins to glow and the Tardis starts to materialise.)
ROSE: I said so. Mum! Mum, go inside. Mum, don't stand there, just go inside. Just, Mum, go. Oh, blimey.
(The Tardis materialises.)
MICKEY: Huh?
JACKIE: How'd you do that, then?

[Tardis]

DOCTOR: All right, so I lied. I went and had a look. But the whole crash landing's a fake. I thought so. Just too perfect. I mean, hitting Big Ben. Come on, so I thought let's go and have a look
ROSE: My mum's here.
DOCTOR: Oh, that's just what I need. Don't you dare make this place domestic.
MICKEY: You ruined my life, Doctor. They thought she was dead. I was a murder suspect because of you.
DOCTOR: You see what I mean? Domestic.
MICKEY: I bet you don't even remember my name.
DOCTOR: Ricky.
MICKEY: It's Mickey.
DOCTOR: No, it's Ricky.
MICKEY: I think I know my own name.
DOCTOR: You think you know your own name? How stupid are you?
ROSE: Mum, don't! Don't go anywhere. Don't start a fight!

[Powell Estate]

(Rose follows Jackie out of the Tardis.) 
ROSE: Mum, it's not like that. He's not. I'll be up in a minute. Hold on!

[Tardis]

ROSE: That was a real spaceship.
DOCTOR: Yep.
ROSE: So it's all a pack of lies? What is it, then? Are they invading?
MICKEY: Funny way to invade, putting the world on red alert.
DOCTOR: Good point! So, what're they up to?

[Jackie's bedroom]

TELEVISION: As the crisis continues and the government shows remarkable lack of leadership, paranoia sweeps the country. There've been at least three reports of public assaults on people falsely identified as aliens. Now back to Tom Hitchinson.
HITCHINSON [on TV]: Are there more ships to come? And what is their intention? The authorities are now asking if anyone knows anything. If any previous sighting has been made, then call this number. We need your help.
(Jackie dials 08081 570980. It is 23:08. She gets the busy tone twice.)
TELEVISION: Tonight, the London Institute of Psychology is warning that incidents of violence
JACKIE: Yes, I've seen one. I really have. An alien. And she's with him. My daughter, she's with him. And she's not safe. Oh, my God. She's not safe. I've seen an alien, and I know his name. He's called the Doctor.
(Someone or something types The Doctor into a database search.)
JACKIE: It's a box. A blue box. She called it a Tardis.
(Over in Downing Street, an alarm goes off. Ganesh's computer screen is flashing Red Alert - The Doctor.)

[Tardis]

MICKEY: So, what're you doing down there?
DOCTOR: Ricky.
MICKEY: Mickey.
DOCTOR: Ricky. If I was to tell you what I was doing to the controls of my frankly magnificent time ship, would you even begin to understand?
MICKEY: I suppose not.
DOCTOR: Well, shut it, then.
MICKEY: Some friend you've got.
ROSE: He's winding you up. I am sorry.
MICKEY: Okay.
ROSE: I am, though.
MICKEY: Every day, I looked. On every street corner, wherever I went, looking for a blue box for a whole year.
ROSE: It's only been a few days for me. I don't know. It's, it's hard to tell inside this thing but I swear it's just a few days since I left you.
MICKEY: Not enough time to miss me, then?
ROSE: I did miss you.
MICKEY: I missed you.
ROSE: So, er, in twelve months, have you been seeing anyone else?
MICKEY: No.
ROSE: Okay.
MICKEY: Mainly because everyone thinks I murdered you.
ROSE: Right.
MICKEY: So, now that you've come back, are you going to stay?
DOCTOR: Got it! Ha, ha! Patched in the radar, looped it back twelve hours so we can follow the flight of that spaceship. Here we go. Hold on. Come on.
(The Doctor looks at the trajectory on the monitor.)
DOCTOR: That's the spaceship on its way to Earth, see? Except. Hold on. See? The spaceship did a sling shot round the Earth before it landed.
ROSE: What does that mean?
DOCTOR: It means it came from Earth in the first place. It went up and came back down. Whoever those aliens are, they haven't just arrived, they've been here for a while. The question is, what have they been doing?

[Cabinet Room]

(A floppy dummy of Oliver Charles is thrown over the back of a chair, and General Asquith stands up.)
ASQUITH: What do you think? How's the compression? I think I've got too much ballast round the middle. (Fart!) Oh, that's better.
MARGARET: We've really got to fix the gas exchange. It's getting ridiculous.
GREEN: I don't know. Seems very human to me. Ah, better get rid of his skin.
ASQUITH: Shame. I quite enjoyed being Oliver. He had a wife, a mistress, and a young farmer.
(He throws the skin and suit into Harriet's cupboard.)
ASQUITH: God, I was busy.
GREEN: Back to work.
ASQUITH: I have an army to command.
MARGARET: Careful, now. We're not there yet.

[Outer office]

GANESH: General Asquith! Sir, we've had a priority alarm. It's code nine. Confirmed code nine.
ASQUITH: Right. Good.

[Cabinet Room]

(Harriet comes out of the cupboard to listen.)
ASQUITH [OC] Code nine, huh?

[Outer office]

ASQUITH: Which would mean?
GANESH: In the event of the emergency protocols being activated, we've got software that automatically searches all communications for key words, and one of those words is Doctor. I think we've found him, sir.
MARGARET: What sort of doctor? Who is he?
GANESH: Well, evidently he's some sort of expert in extra-terrestrial affairs. The ultimate expert. And we need him, sir. We need him here right now!

[Tardis]

(Mickey and Rose are channel-hopping on the scanner.)
MICKEY: How many channels do you get?
DOCTOR: All the basic packages.
MICKEY: You get sports channels?
DOCTOR: Yes, I get the football. Hold on, I know that lot.
WOMAN [OC]: It is looking likely that the Government's bringing in alien specialists - those people who have devoted their lives to studying outer space.
DOCTOR: UNIT. United Nations Intelligence Taskforce. Good people.
ROSE: How do you know them?
MICKEY: 'Cos he's worked for them. Oh yeah, don't think I sat on my backside for twelve months, Doctor. I read up on you. You look deep enough on the Internet or in the history books, and there's his name, followed by a list of the dead.
DOCTOR: That's nice. Good boy, Ricky.
ROSE: If you know them, why don't you go and help?
DOCTOR: They wouldn't recognise me. I've changed a lot since the old days. Besides, the world's on a knife-edge. There's aliens out there and fake aliens. We want to keep this alien out of the mix. I'm going undercover. And er, I'd better keep the Tardis out of sight. Ricky, you've got a car. You can do some driving.
MICKEY: Where to?
DOCTOR: The roads are clearing. Let's go and have a look at that spaceship.

[Powell Estate]

(They walk out of the Tardis and straight into a helicopter spotlight.)
POLICE: Do not move! Step away from the box and raise your hands above your heads.
(Police cars and Saxon armoured personnel carriers surround them. Mickey runs. Jackie comes out of the block of flats.)
JACKIE: Rose!
(Soldiers grab Jackie.)
JACKIE: Rose!
(Mickey hides behind some dustbins and the soldiers run straight past.)
POLICE: Raise your hands above your head. You are under arrest.
DOCTOR: Take me to your leader.

[Police car]

ROSE: This is a bit posh. If I knew it was going to be like this, being arrested, I would have done it years ago.
DOCTOR: We're not being arrested, we're being escorted.
ROSE: Where to?
DOCTOR: Where'd you think? Downing Street.
ROSE: You're kidding.
DOCTOR: I'm not.
ROSE: 10 Downing Street?
DOCTOR: That's the one.
ROSE: Oh, my God. I'm going to 10 Downing Street? How come?
DOCTOR: I hate to say it, but Mickey was right. Over the years I've visited this planet a lot of times, and I've been, er, noticed.
ROSE: Now they need you?
DOCTOR: Like it said on the news. They're gathering experts in alien knowledge. And who's the biggest expert of the lot?
ROSE: Patrick Moore?
DOCTOR: Apart from him.
ROSE: Oh, don't you just love it.
DOCTOR: I'm telling you. Lloyd George, he used to drink me under the table. Who's the Prime Minister now?
ROSE: How should I know? I missed a year.

[Downing Street]

(The Doctor mugs for the cameras outside Number Ten.)
ROSE: Oh, my God.

[The Tyler's flat]

JACKIE: So, she's all right then? She's not in any trouble?
STRICKLAND: Well, all I can say is, your daughter and her companion might be in a position to help the country. We'll need to know how she made contact with this man, if he is a man.
(The fat policeman sits down, and his stomach makes an unpleasant noise.)
STRICKLAND: Oof. Right, off you go then. I need to talk with Mrs Tyler on my own, thank you.
(A policeman and woman leave.)

[Waiting room]

(Harriet comes downstairs and shows her ID to an armed policeman.)
HARRIET: Harriet Jones, MP Flydale North.
(She mingles with the UNIT officers and large people in the room.)
GANESH: Ladies and gentlemen, can we convene? Quick as we can, please. It's this way on the right, and can I remind you ID cards are to be worn at all times.
(He hands one to the Doctor.)
GANESH: Here's your ID card. I'm sorry, your companion doesn't have clearance.
DOCTOR: I don't go anywhere without her.
GANESH: You're the code nine, not her. I'm sorry, Doctor. It is the Doctor, isn't it? She'll have to stay outside.
DOCTOR: She's staying with me.
GANESH: Look, even I don't have clearance to go in there. I can't let her in and that's a fact.
ROSE: It's all right. You go.
HARRIET: Excuse me. Are you the Doctor?
DOCTOR: Sure.
GANESH: Not now. We're busy. Can't you go home?
HARRIET: I just need a word in private.
DOCTOR: I suppose so. Don't get in any trouble.
(The Doctor leaves.)
GANESH: You haven't got clearance. Now leave it. (to Rose) I'm going to have to leave you with security.
HARRIET: It's all right. I'll look after her. Let me be of some use. (to Rose) Walk with me. Just keep walking.

[Entrance hall]

HARRIET: That's right. Don't look round. Harriet Jones, MP Flydale North.
(In the briefing room, the Doctor rapidly scans the prepared papers.)
HARRIET: This friend of yours, he's an expert, is that right? He knows about aliens?
ROSE: Why do you want to know?
(Harriet starts crying.)

[Briefing room]

ASQUITH: Now, ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention, please. As you can see from the summaries in front of you, the ship had one porcine occupant.
DOCTOR: Of course, the really interesting bit happened three days ago, see, filed away under Any Other Business. The North Sea. A satellite detected a signal, a little blip of radiation, at one hundred fathoms, like there's something down there. You were just about to investigate and the next thing you know, this happens. Spaceships, pigs, massive diversion. From what?

[Cabinet Room]

HARRIET: They turned the body into a suit. A disguise for the thing inside!
ROSE: It's all right. I believe you. It's, it's alien. They must have some serious technology behind this. If we could find it, we could use it.
(Rose starts searching the room. She opens a different cupboard and a man's body falls out. It is supposed to be Tony Blair, but apart from the Babes reference, he is never named.)
ROSE: Oh, my God! Is that the
GANESH: Harriet, for God's sake. This has gone beyond a joke. You cannot just wander. Oh, my God. That's the Prime Minister!

[Briefing room]

DOCTOR: If aliens fake an alien crash and an alien pilot, what do they get? Us. They get us. It's not a diversion, it's a trap.

[Cabinet Room]

MARGARET: Oh! Has someone been naughty?

[The Tyler's flat]

JACKIE: It was bigger on the inside. I don't know. What do I know about spaceships?
STRICKLAND: That's what worries me. You see, this man is classified as trouble. Which means that anyone associated with him is trouble. And that's my job.
(The Police Commissioner removes his cap to undo the zip across his forehead. Blue light fills the flat.)
STRICKLAND: Eliminating trouble.

[Cabinet office]

GANESH: That's impossible. He left this afternoon. The Prime Minister left Downing Street. He was driven away!
MARGARET: And who told you that, hmm? Me.
(Margaret reaches up to her hairline.)

[Briefing room]

DOCTOR: This is all about us. Alien experts. The only people with knowledge how to fight them gathered together in one room.
(Green farts.)
DOCTOR: Excuse me, do you mind not farting while I'm saving the world?
GREEN: Would you rather silent but deadly?
(General Asquith removes his cap and unzips his forehead. As Green laughs, the room fills with blue light and an alien starts to wriggle out of the skin suit. In the Cabinet office, Margaret does the same, flexing her three long fingers in relief.
Jackie comes out of her kitchen to see a similar sight. The aliens stand nearly eight feet tall with incongruous large black eyes in small baby faces.)
ASQUITH: We are the Slitheen.
(Margaret grabs Ganesh in her massive talons and pushes him up the wall.)
GREEN: Thank you all for wearing your ID cards. They'll help to identify the bodies.
(Green holds up a remote activation switch, and the ID cards emit electric shocks to their wearers, including the Doctor.)

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