Acquisition
Original Airdate: Mar 27, 2002

(as Enterprise hangs motionless in space, a small vessel approaches)

[Alien ship]

(three males with enormous earlobes are seen in the little ship - a fourth enters shot during the dialogue)
ULIS: Kora noosa. Kora noosa!
MUK: Irr zoun nagool ahsp.
ULIS: Uch. Cucht eeta ekrajhn-voy?
GRISH: (piloting) Irr gnales. Nohm setron quethivoo.
ULIS: NanDi. Vanee eday.
(they come alongside Enterprise and dock)

[Corridor]

(they enter by the starboard airlock wearing gasmasks, and we see the crew slumped against the bulkheads, unconscious)
MUK: Cucht nee va zeh?
KREM: Nass.(seeing how small human ears are)
MUK (telling him to hurry up) Y-solah-na. Y-solah-na!

[Mess hall]

MUK: (as Krem fingers some food) Krem. Tenda sout bazul. Ningor. Ningor!

[Engineering]

KREM: Oh! (awed by the engine) Gard-day latinum sou-tah!
MUK: Lahje. Sapa-moul! (don't touch)
KREM: Ehj saf-rey tomen-dee.
MUK: Konah see-oh-mahj irr zoon.
KREM: (spots T'Pol lying against the bulkhead) Ooo. Senpa tah-moy. Lorala rrela. Latinum soun teyvalah.
MUK: Ulis tenda vool.

[Turbolift]

MUK: Sa mopree. (they remove their gas masks)

[Bridge]

(everyone looks asleep at their posts)
MUK: La-voy Daemon. (Krem sets off an alarm on helm) Leru deemo mirra. Mirra. (gets out communicator) Muk lat Ulis.

[Alien ship]

ULIS: Klaxut.
MUK [OC]: Feesha vou dolay.
ULIS: Rejahvey.

[Decon chamber]

(Trip wakes up)
TUCKER: (in blue singlet and shorts) Doc, isn't my time up yet? You said twenty minutes.

[Sickbay]

TUCKER [OC]: It's been at least an hour. I'm getting a little well-done in here. Doctor?
(but Phlox is spark out on the floor)

[Decon chamber]

TUCKER: Hello? (tries the door, then uses the panel to short out the lock and leave. He discovers the unconscious crewmen in the corridors and turbolift)

[Airlock]

(Ulis and Grish put a ramp over the door lip and wheel trolleys onto Enterprise)

[Sickbay]

(Trip finds Phlox, then hears voices approaching and hides)
MUK: Sel treoght da-techt.
KREM: Ehj ocuuz sahfi?
MUK: Guzah louz.
(the pair start stuffing sacks with medical supplies. Krem looks in one of Phlox's cages and yelps)
MUK: La ruvah tahp! (Trip watches from the top of an access ladder)

(in a corridor, he watches as Ulis wheels a torpedo along on his trolley)
(on the Bridge, Ulis even strips off the dedication plaque from the wall)
(in Engineering, Krem strokes T'Pol's face then drags her away)
(Grish even takes Travis's chair)
(Krem raids the mess hall, doesn't like the smell of salad but takes desserts)
(Muk swaps his boots for some found in a cupboard)
(in the Launch bay it looks like they've taken all the women they've found, not just T'Pol but also Hoshi and others)
(Trip makes it to his desk in Engineering and watches on a monitor as Archer is lifted out of his chair and carried away)

[Launch bay]

ULIS: Ingala habi. (Grish injects Archer and he wakes up, handcuffed to a stanchion)
ARCHER: Who are you?
ULIS: Ingala duk habi? (Krem cautiously holds out a translator while Muk has a rifle)
ARCHER: I don't understand.
ULIS: Duk habi nakustra?
ARCHER: What?
ULIS: Bok, megoron duk what I'm saying?
MUK: Sit down!
ARCHER: Who the hell are you?
ULIS: Who we are is unimportant. Do you command this ship?
ARCHER: I'm the captain. (sees the women) What have you done to my crew?
ULIS: They're sleeping. They won't be harmed as long as you co-operate.
ARCHER: What do you want?
ULIS: Where is the location of your vault?
ARCHER: Vault? I don't know what you're talking about.
KREM: Maybe the translator's malfunctioning.
ULIS: He understands.
ARCHER: This is a vessel of exploration not a cargo ship. We don't do any commerce. Whatever it is you're after, you won't find it here.
ULIS: You carry no valuables of any kind? No precious gems, no latinum?
ARCHER: I just told you.
MUK: Liar! (hits him)
ARCHER: Whoever you are, just take what you want and get off of my ship.
KREM: Cousin, maybe we should. We've made some good acquisitions already.
MUK: There's more here. He's hiding something.
GRISH: I agree with Krem. Let's take what we have and go.
ULIS: What do we have? Scanners, low-grade weapons. (Archer spots Trip watching from above) Nothing but trinkets.
KREM: Don't forget about the females. Some of them are worth their weight in latinum. If we leave now we can make the next slave market on Stameris.
ARCHER: Slave market?
ULIS: You're right, Krem. Pick out the females that will bring the best price.
KREM: I already have.
ULIS: It was a pleasure doing business with you.
ARCHER: Wait.
ULIS: You've reconsidered?
ARCHER: I'll show you where the vault is, if you let me keep half the gold.
ULIS: Gold-pressed latinum?
ARCHER: Gold bars. Hundreds of them. But I keep half.
ULIS: Ten percent.
ARCHER: Forty.
ULIS: Fifteen.
ARCHER: Thirty five and not a bar less. You'll never find the vault without my help.
ULIS: Twenty percent. Final offer.
ARCHER: No deal. I'd rather you take the women and go.
GRISH: Thirty-five percent. That's not a bad offer, Ulis. Maybe we should consider it.
ULIS: No. We'll find the vault ourselves. Krem, start loading the merchandise.
KREM: Why am I always stuck doing the menial labour?
ULIS: Make him do it.
(Muk gives Krem the rifle and the other three leave)

[Alien cargo bay]

(compared with the Launch bay, it's tiny. Krem has Archer lugging boxes. His overalls are tied around his waist)
KREM: Oh, not there. Over here.
ARCHER: If you're going to make a habit out of this you might want to get a bigger ship.
KREM: It's not my ship. It's my cousin's.
ARCHER: Really. I was getting the impression you were in charge.
KREM: This is only my first month on the job.
ARCHER: How do you like it so far?
KREM: My cousin's a skillful merchant. I'm learning a lot from him. You'd better slide that over to make room for the others.
ARCHER: What do you need all this for, anyway? You seem to already have plenty of technology.
KREM: One can never have too much. The Rules of Acquisition say 'Expand or die'.
ARCHER: Rules of Acquisition?
KREM: That's rule number forty five. I've memorized all a hundred and seventy three, including the most important one. A man is only worth the sum of his possessions.
ARCHER: Back on my home world that kind of thinking almost destroyed our civilisation.
KREM: You should've managed your businesses better. Come on. We have a lot more moving to do.
ARCHER: We?

[Corridor]

(there are those handy ramps over all the bulkhead door edges)
ARCHER: So what do you do, split the profits equally between the four of you?
KREM: Oh, my cousin determines the shares.
ARCHER: You must get a bigger percentage than your crewmates.
KREM: Actually, I get the smallest.
ARCHER: Oh, that doesn't seem fair. You're the one doing all the work.
KREM: My cousin knows what's best for me. He manages all my financial transactions.
ARCHER: Really.
KREM: I don't have the lobes for business.
ARCHER: I assume he charges you for his services.
KREM: Of course. (Archer spots Trip hiding around a corner) He wouldn't be a very good businessman if he didn't. Never allow family to stand in the way of profit.
ARCHER: Another one of your rules?
KREM: Number six. My cousin's going to help me acquire my own ship some day.
ARCHER: (coughing) Do you think you could bring me a glass of water? (Krem handcuffs him to a handrail) It comes out of a dispenser in the mess hall.
KREM: I'll be right back.
ARCHER: Oh, do you think you could bring me some food while you're at it? Whatever's left in the serving case. That is, if you haven't already taken everything.
(Krem heads off and Trip dashes over to try and free him)
TUCKER: You all right, Captain?
ARCHER: Never better. You?
TUCKER: From what I can tell, you and I are the only ones on the ship still standing. I would've tried to wake some of the others but there's nothing left in Sickbay to do it with.
ARCHER: I'm not surprised. These aliens are taking everything they can get their hands on.
TUCKER: (fails to undo the handcuffs) Who are they?
ARCHER: I don't know yet. Can you get a phase pistol?
TUCKER: They've cleaned out the armoury.
ARCHER: There are fourteen weapons lockers on this ship. They can't have emptied every one of them.
TUCKER: Trust me, Captain, I've already checked.
ARCHER: I've got an idea, but you're going to need some help to pull it off. They used a hypospray to wake me up. It's in Launch bay two.
KREM: (returning with a glass of water and half eaten sandwich) This is pretty good.
ARCHER: Glad you're enjoying it.
KREM: Maybe we should take your cook with us.
ARCHER: Do you mind? (Krem puts the glass and food into Archer's hands while he hunts for the handcuff keys)

[Launch bay]

(Trip finds the hypospray and injects T'Pol, then Hoshi)
T'POL: Commander.
TUCKER: You're going to be fine. Just because a guy's in his underwear you think the worst. (Hoshi isn't waking up)
T'POL: I assume you have an explanation.
TUCKER: Doctor Phlox made me clear bio-scan after I got back from that lunar survey. While I was in decon, something knocked out the entire crew. Aliens are in control of the ship.
T'POL: That artefact you brought back from the lunar surface. It must have been placed there intentionally. When I opened it, the canister released some kind of gas.
(the door opens, T'Pol lies down again and Trip hides)
KREM: This female is different from the others. What species is she?
ARCHER: She's a Vulcan.
KREM: Vulcan.
ARCHER: (wheeling a cabinet away) They're really not all that interesting once you get to know them.
KREM: I'd like to get to know this one. Maybe I won't sell her. Not right away.
ARCHER: Trust me. She's got no sense of humor. She's always complaining. (Krem adores her pointed ears) Krem.
(they leave with the cabinet)
TUCKER: You okay?
T'POL: There are times I wish Vulcans hadn't learned to repress their violent tendencies.
TUCKER: Come on, we've got work to do.
T'POL: What about the others?
TUCKER: I can't wake anybody else up. This hypospray is empty. Let's go, unless you want to be sold into slavery.
(in a crewman's quarters, Trip puts on a uniform overall, for modesty's sake)

[Sickbay]

MUK: (scanning the body scanner) There's nothing here.
GRISH: You're not scanning deep enough. This is their vault. I saw one just like it on a Gavarian ship.
MUK: Why would they keep a vault in the medical bay?
ULIS: Rule of Acquisition number twenty three. Nothing is more important than your health, except for your money.
MUK: I don't see a locking mechanism.
GRISH: It must use some sort of magnetic seal. I'll need micro-charges to blow it open.
ULIS: Hold on. (touches the right bit of the monitor screen and the door opens, then the gurney extends out)
MUK: This is a waste of time. We've only got three hours before they begin to wake. It'll take days to search every hatch.
ULIS: We'll find it, Muk. Be patient. Open those.

[unidentifiable place]

(T'Pol watches their activities)
GRISH [on monitor]: Empty.
MUK [on monitor]: Ah! I found something.
ULIS [on monitor]: Gold?
MUK [on monitor]: No,

[Sickbay]

MUK: but it looks like quality merchandise. (a gun-type think with a very long nozzle) Splendid craftsmanship.
ULIS: Add it to the pot.
MUK: Do I look like a Menk to you? This beauty's going in my personal collection.
ULIS: We agreed to split our profits.
MUK: You said this ship would make us rich. We'll be lucky if we break even.
ULIS: We had a deal.
MUK: I'm amending it. Anything I find, I keep.
ULIS: Fine. I'll just deduct it from your share of the gold.

(Trip attaches a security lock to the Biomatter resequencing section door)

[Situation room]

MUK: What's wrong, Ulis? Can't find your pot of gold?
ULIS: What's all this?
MUK: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Don't touch.
ULIS: If you're not going to help us you should return to the ship. And what are you doing?
GRISH: Looking for the vault.
ULIS; They're not going to put it on a map, you idiot.
GRISH: I know that, but look. If I'm not mistaken these are the Captain's quarters.

[Outside the Bridge]

(T'Pol is eavesdropping on the alien's conversation)
ULIS [OC]: So?
GRISH [OC]: That's where you keep your latinum.

[Situation room]

ULIS: What's the quickest route?
GRISH: We could take this elevator to this deck

[Outside the Bridge]

GRISH [OC]: and cut through here.
ULIS [OC]: It's worth a look.
(T'Pol taps her PADD)

[Situation room]

(an ear-bleeding noise makes the aliens cringe)
ULIS: Weapons! Where is it coming from?
GRISH: Over here!
(T'Pol sneaks in and takes some of the small boxes Muk has collected)
GRISH: Make it stop!
(Muk shoots T'Pol's console and the noise stops)
ULIS: Let's get to their Captain's quarters.
MUK: (returning to the situation room) Where are my scanners? I left them right here!
ULIS: You should be more careful with your acquisitions.
MUK: Oh, oh! Open your bag.
ULIS: No.
MUK: Open it.
ULIS: Are you calling me a thief?
MUK: Everybody knows you'd steal the wax out of your own mother's ears.
GRISH: Please, gentlemen. We're partners.

[Outside the Bridge]

MUK [OC]: Partners don't rob from each other.
ULIS [OC]: Why would I bother taking some worthless scanners?
(T'Pol touches her PADD)

[Situation room]

(a beeping sound emanates from Ulis's bag. Muk grabs it and finds his scanners)
MUK: Worthless?
ULIS: I didn't put them there.
MUK: Oh, really? Then who did?
ULIS: I tell you, I don't know.
MUK: Maybe they just jumped off the table and crawled inside. Where's the other one? There were three.
GRISH: Don't look at me.
MUK: Give it back.
GRISH: Get away.
MUK: Come back here!

[Outside the Bridge]

(T'Pol holds a scanner in her hand)
MUK [OC]: You heard me, you no-good cheating liar!

[Engineering]

KREM: There. That one.
ARCHER: I'm surprised your friend didn't get electrocuted. You can't just yank out an antimatter injector like it was a light bulb.
KREM: Would you mind?
ARCHER: I'll have to take the injector assembly offline.
KREM: Warp core parts are in high demand.
ARCHER: Even if your cousin does find the vault, what makes you think he's going to share the gold with you?
KREM: We have a contract.
ARCHER: If you never see the vault, you'll never know what's in it. He could try to cheat you out of your share.
KREM: He wouldn't cheat me.
ARCHER: What happened to 'Never allow family to stand in the way of profit'? I've seen the way the others treat you. One of them said you have no talent for business. Why not prove them wrong? I've got a proposition for you. Help me capture your associates and I'll show you where the vault is. We'll split the gold, fifty-fifty. Once they're in the Brig you can fly off a wealthy man. You said you've always dreamed of having your own ship.
KREM: How do I know you won't double-cross me?
ARCHER: You're the one holding the gun. Think about it. No more taking orders, getting stuck with the menial work. I'll even throw in the Vulcan female. So, what'll it be? Opportunities like this don't come along every day.
KREM: Get back to work.
ARCHER: It's your loss.

[Archer's quarters]

GRISH: Where is the vault? Do you understand me?
(Porthos wages his tail and woofs)
GRISH: I can't lock on to its language.
MUK: It's a lower lifeform, you fool. Probably the captain's next meal.
GRISH: Don't be so sure. Look at the size of its ears.
MUK: Ooh, I could get several bars of latinum for this creature at the Malurzian Zoo. (picks up Porthos)
ULIS: There's nothing here. Let's search the other quarters.
MUK: I've had enough of vault hunting for one day. You two have fun.

[Alien cargo bay]

(Muk puts Porthos into a large box, then turns to see someone trying to hide)
MUK: Who's there?
(Trip makes a run for it)
MUK: (into communicator) One of the aliens is awake.
(he chases him through the corridors)

[Mess hall]

(Trip is pretending to be out cold at a table but Muk spots him. They fight and Trip bites Muk's ear, takes his weapon and runs out)

[Corridor]

(Ulis uses an electric whip to disarm him)
ULIS: Why aren't you asleep? (whips him again)

[Launch bay]

ARCHER: What's next? (Krem points at something out of shot) Where do you expect me to put it? There's hardly any room left on your ship. I think it's time you decided what you really want to keep.
KREM: I'll ask Ulis.
ARCHER: Can't you make a simple decision by yourself? If you want to run your own ship someday, maybe you should start showing a little initiative.
KREM: I'm not the one in charge.
ARCHER: And you never will be, with that attitude. (Ulis, Muk and Grish enter with Trip)
ULIS: Who's this?
ARCHER: My Chief Engineer.
ULIS: Why is he awake?
ARCHER: Don't ask me.
ULIS: Are there others?
ARCHER: I haven't seen anybody. (to Krem) You?
GRISH: The anaesthesia isn't supposed to wear off for another two hours. Maybe we used the wrong dosage. There could be others awake. We should leave.
ULIS: Not without the gold.
MUK: Forget the gold. We'll never find it.
ULIS: If you want to leave, take one of their shuttlecraft. I'll be happy to keep your share.
MUK: You expect me to go empty-handed?
ULIS: You can keep the shuttlecraft, and the females.
MUK: That's not good enough.
ULIS: (pulling a weapon) It'll have to be.
MUK: You'll regret this, Ulis.
ULIS: Get out.
MUK: Grish, help me with the women.
TUCKER: Wait. I'll show you the vault.
ARCHER: Trip.
TUCKER: Leave the women here, and I'll let you have the gold.
ARCHER: Not another word, Commander. That's an order.
TUCKER: I'm not letting them take my wife.
ULIS: Wife?
KREM: She's not the one with the pointy ears, is she?
TUCKER: No. Her name's Hoshi, and you're going to keep your filthy hands off her. Do we have a deal?
ARCHER: You take them anywhere near that vault, and I'll throw you in the Brig for insubordination.
TUCKER: You don't give a damn about this crew. All you care about is your precious gold.
ARCHER: I'm warning you, Trip.
TUCKER: You're a greedy son of a bitch.
ARCHER: What's your wife worth? Five bars of gold, maybe six? Let them take Hoshi, and I'll give you ten.
TUCKER: What!
ARCHER: All right, fifteen. (Trip launches himself at Archer and they wrestle, sort of. Muk and Ulis pull them apart)
ULIS: Enough! I accept your offer.
TUCKER: You'll leave the women?
ULIS: You have my word as a businessman.
TUCKER: Follow me.
ULIS: Wait here. I'll go.
MUK: So you can cheat us out of our share? Hide it in the bottom of your bag? I plan to count every bar of that gold myself before it leaves the vault.
ULIS: We'll count it later.
MUK: Oh, I know you too well, Ulis.
GRISH: If he's going, I'm going.
KREM: Me, too.
ULIS: We can't all go. Time's running out. Someone has to stay and finish loading the ship.
GRISH: That's Krem's job.
KREM: I'm tired of doing this job. I don't want to do all the menial work.
ULIS: Krem.
KREM: It's time that I showed a little initiative. I have the lobes for business. You just never give me the chance to prove it.
ULIS: Get back to work!
KREM: Yes, cousin. (the others leave)
ARCHER: You sure told him.
KREM: Get back to work.
ARCHER: (leans over and goes ouch) My back.
KREM: What about it?
ARCHER: I think I pulled a muscle. It's an old water-polo injury. Flares up every now and then. I just need to rest.
KREM: We don't have any time. If Ulis comes back and we're not finished.
ARCHER: Then you'd better get working. (Krem handcuffs him to a handrail and gets on with lugging boxes to the ship)

[Turbolift]

ULIS: Where are we going?
TUCKER: Bottom deck.
MUK: We already looked there.
TUCKER: You obviously didn't look in the right place.
ULIS: After you.

[Alien cargo hold]

T'POL: Have you come to rescue me?
KREM: How did you wake up?
T'POL: Whatever put the others to sleep didn't affect me in the same way. My body works differently than the humans.
KREM: Humans?
T'POL: That's the name of their species. They're a terrible race. Deceitful, cruel.
KREM: Then why do you live with them?
T'POL: It wasn't my choice. I'm a captive here. They've enslaved me. Please, take me with you.
KREM: You would make a handsome wife. Do you know how to perform oo-mox?
T'POL: I'm well-trained in the arts of pleasure, but I'm not familiar with oo-mox.
KREM: My lobes. Stroke my lobes.
T'POL: Like this? (does a double handed caress)
KREM: Yes. (turning to jelly)
T'POL: And this?
KREM: Oh, yes! (then she neck-pinches him and takes the handcuff keys and a phase pistol)

[Jefferies tube]

ULIS: Haven't we been through this section?
TUCKER: Not yet.
ULIS; I recognize that conduit.
TUCKER: We have a thousand conduits like that on this ship.
MUK: We're going in circles.
TUCKER: This way.

[Corridor]

GRISH: Isn't there a more direct route?
TUCKER: That's the beauty of this thing. It's impossible to find unless you know exactly where you're going.
ULIS: How much further?
TUCKER: Keep your shirt on. It's close.

[Jefferies tube]

TUCKER: Watch your head.
MUK: Is this your plan, to walk us to death?
ULIS: Is this some kind of trick?

[Biomatter recycling]

TUCKER: Relax. We're here.
(the three aliens try to go through the hatch at the same time to see Trip working at the lock he installed earlier)
GRISH: The vault?
TUCKER: It's all yours.
ULIS: Open it. Open it!
TUCKER: (opening the hatch slightly) Better let me go in first.
ULIS: Why?
TUCKER: Knowing Captain Archer, he's probably rigged the place with booby traps. Just give me a few minutes to check it out.
MUK: No! You could have a weapon hidden in there. (Trip stands aside)
ULIS: I'll go.
MUK: Not without me, you won't. You'll fill your pockets with gold.
ULIS: Take your hands off me!
GRISH: We don't have all day.
ULIS: Get away from that hatch! Out of my way!
GRISH: Thief! I want my share!
ULIS: It's mine!
MUK: Get back, or I'll gnaw your hands off!
GRISH: My gold! My gold!
(the three dash into the room, where T'Pol is hiding behind the door)
ULIS: It's a trap!
(T'Pol stuns them with a phase pistol)
TUCKER: Sorry fellas, bank must be closed today.

[Launch bay]

ARCHER: Did it work?
T'POL: Perfectly.
ARCHER: (holding out his manacled wrists) Do you have the key?
T'POL: Not that interesting. No sense of humour. Always complaining.
ARCHER: I'll make it up to you.
T'POL: How?
ARCHER: Five bars of gold? Open these things, Sub-Commander. That's an order.

[Armoury}

(Trip supervises Muk and Grish putting the torpedoes back where they belong)

[Alien cargo bay]

(Archer releases Porthos from the box and gives him a big cuddle)
ARCHER: Yeah, Porthos. You okay?

[Alien ship]

ARCHER: I'm going to be contacting the Vulcan High Command as well as Starfleet. If you come within a light year of any one of our ships you won't know what hit you.
KREM: You'll never see us again.
(the other three are tied up)
ARCHER: If you want to be unshackled, you might think about showing Krem here a little more respect.
MUK: Vermin.
ULIS: Release me, and I'll forget this ever happened.
KREM: Later, maybe. If you're nice.
ULIS: Let me go, you idiot!
KREM: Shut up! (to T'Pol) Are you sure you want to stay here with the hu-mans? With my ship and your talents we could build a vast fortune.
(T'Pol walks away, Archer right behind her)
ULIS: I'll let you have my latinum pen. The one you've always had your eye on.
KREM: No thanks.
ULIS: My beetle-snuff collection.
KREM: (settling into the Captain's chair) Makes me sneeze.
ULIS: Name your price.
GRISH: Whatever he offers you, I'll double it.
ULIS: Krem! We're family.
MUK: I know a Bolian female. I could introduce you.
(Krem takes hold of the flight controls, the little ship undocks and flies away)

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