I, Mudd
Stardate: 4513.3
Original Airdate: Nov 3, 1967

[Corridor]

(Spock and McCoy are greeted by a crewman in blue as he walks along.)
NORMAN: Good morning, sir, Doctor.
SPOCK: Something wrong?
MCCOY: Yes. There's something odd about that man, and I can't quite pinpoint it.
SPOCK: Perhaps you're making a rather hasty judgment. Mister Norman has only been aboard seventy two hours.
MCCOY: I know when something doesn't strike me right, and he doesn't.
SPOCK: Specifics, Doctor. Labels do not make arguments.
MCCOY: All right. There's something wrong about a man who never smiles, whose conversation never varies from the routine of the job, and who won't talk about his background.
SPOCK: I see.
MCCOY: Spock, I mean that it's odd for a non-Vulcan. The ears make all the difference.
SPOCK: I find your argument strewn with gaping defects in logic.
MCCOY: Maybe, but you can't evaluate a man by logic alone. Besides, he has avoided two appointments that I've made for his physical exam without reason.
SPOCK: That's not at all surprising, Doctor. He's probably terrified of your beads and rattles.

[Auxiliary Control]

(Norman enters.)
JORDAN: Command personnel only.
(Norman knocks him out and makes changes to the various control panels. A 'Danger, Overload' light comes on.)

[Bridge]

KIRK: Yes, Mister Sulu?
SULU: There's an unplanned course change being fed into the instruments, sir.
KIRK: Correct it.
SULU: I can't, sir.
KIRK: Auxiliary control, this is the captain. Auxiliary control, what's going on down there?
SULU: Sir, auxiliary control is on total override.
KIRK: Kirk to Security.
ROWE [OC]: Security. Lieutenant Rowe here, sir.
KIRK: Intruder alert, deck eight, auxiliary control.
ROWE [OC]: Acknowledged.
KIRK: Lieutenant Uhura, have Mister Spock report to the bridge.
UHURA: Aye, sir.
KIRK; What's the imposed course, Mister Sulu?
SULU: Turning on three oh seven degrees, mark eight. Being executed now, sir.

[Auxiliary Control]

(The three burly security men arrive.)
ROWE: Take care of him.
(The other two leave with the unconscious crewman.)

[Bridge]

ROWE [OC]: Security to Captain Kirk.
KIRK: Kirk here.

[Auxiliary Control]

ROWE: Lieutenant Rowe, sir. I'm in auxiliary control. Ensign Jordan's been knocked out.

[Bridge]

ROWE [OC]: The directional master controls have been jammed. They're totally unworkable.
KIRK: Any sign of the intruder?

[Auxiliary Control]

ROWE: No, sir. He's gone. I've put out a full security alert on all decks.

[Bridge]

KIRK: Find him. Kirk out. Mister Spock, we seem to be taking an unscheduled ride.
SPOCK: Interesting.
KIRK: Mister Sulu, cut in emergency manual monitor. I want the override broken.
SULU: Sir, the instruments won't respond.
KIRK: Emergency manual monitor, report.

[Engineering]

(In the upper gallery, Norman has been busy.)
KIRK [OC]: This is Captain Kirk. Acknowledge.

[Bridge]

KIRK: Emergency manual monitor, this is the captain. Report.

[Engineering]

(Norman enters the main area.)
SCOTT: Here, you're not allowed
(He is pushed against the wall and knocked out briefly. Norman fights everyone that comes at him.)
KIRK [OC]: Acknowledge. This is the captain. Scotty, acknowledge. Scotty, what's going on down there?

[Bridge]

KIRK: Kirk to Engineering.

[Engineering]

(The fights continue.)
KIRK [OC}: This is the captain. Scotty, report.

[Bridge]

KIRK: Scotty, the intruder is in your area.

[Engineering]

KIRK [OC]: What's going on down there? Scotty!
(Norman has triumphed and is adjusting controls.)
SCOTT: Captain, he's here.

[Bridge]

KIRK: Scotty.

[Engineering]

KIRK [OC]: Scotty.

[Bridge]

KIRK: Scotty? Security, the intruder is in the engineering section. Have all units converge on that point.
SULU: Sir, we're picking up speed. Warp five, six. Warp seven, sir.
KIRK: Cut power.
SULU: I can't, sir. All the controls are jammed.
KIRK: Spock, take over.
NORMAN: It will not be necessary, Captain.
KIRK: Tell Security we've found the intruder. Do you mind telling me what this is all about, mister?
NORMAN: I am in total control of your ship. I have connected the matter-antimatter pods to the main navigational bank. A trigger relay is now in operation. Any attempts to alter course will result in immediate destruction of this vessel.
KIRK: Spock?
SPOCK: Confirmed, Captain. He's taken out all the override controls. If we tamper without knowing where the trigger relay is, we could extinguish ourselves.
KIRK: Who are you?
NORMAN: I assure you we are no threat to humanity or humanoid life. We mean you no harm, but we require your ship.
KIRK: You require? Who and what are we?
(Norman lifts his tunic and opens a panel in his abdomen. There are circuit boards, wires and the obligatory flashing lights in there.)
KIRK: An android.
SPOCK: And most sophisticated.
NORMAN: I control the trigger relay, sir. I cannot be overcome by physical means, and if you attempt to use your phasers, the trigger relay will be activated. We shall continue on our present course for approximately four solar days, at which time we shall arrive at our destination.
KIRK: Who sent you?
NORMAN: I am not programmed to respond in that area.
SPOCK: (attempting a mind meld) He simply appears to have turned himself off, Captain. And since we cannot repair the damage he has done without destroying the ship
KIRK: It seems we're going to take a little trip.

Captain's log. Stardate 4513.3. After having been taken over by an android, the Enterprise has been under way at warp seven for four days. Now we are entering orbit around a planet which has never been charted.

NORMAN: Captain Kirk. The following individuals will be transported down to our planet. Yourself, science officer, medical officer, communications officer and navigator.
KIRK: Any meetings or discussions can be held aboard the Enterprise.
NORMAN: If you do not come with me, your engines will be destroyed and you will remain in orbit here forever.
KIRK: I must say that's a gracious invitation.
NORMAN: There is a word. Among us there is no corresponding meaning, but it seems to mean something to you humans.
KIRK: And what is that word?
NORMAN: Please.

[Cavern]

(The required landing party materialise.)
NORMAN: Our planet's surface is what you classify as K-type, adaptable for humans by use of pressure domes and life-support systems. (to one of two identical women standing by a doorway.) I have brought them.
ALICE 1: He is waiting.
ALICE 2: If you will follow us, please?

[Throne room]

(There are several other women, all identical to the first two. And seated on the throne - )
KIRK: I don't believe it.
MUDD: Welcome aboard, Kirk. It's been a long time, eh?
KIRK: Harry Mudd.
MUDD: Well, to be absolutely accurate, laddybuck, you should refer to me as Mudd the First, ruler of this entire sovereign planet.
KIRK: Ruler? Harry, I want control of my ship returned immediately. We have no intention of staying as your guests.
MUDD: Well, I'm afraid there's a bit of a problem there.
KIRK: Kirk to Enterprise.
MUDD: Alice.
KIRK: Kirk to Enterprise.
(Alice reaches out and crushes the communicator.)
MUDD: Now, now, now, now, Jamie boy, let's have no unauthorised communications.
CHEKOV: You know this man, Captain?
KIRK: Oh, do I know him. Harcourt Fenton Mudd, thief
MUDD: Come now.
KIRK: Swindler and con man
MUDD: Entrepreneur.
KIRK: Liar and rogue.
MUDD: Did I leave you with that impression?
KIRK: He belongs in jail, which is where I thought I left you, Mudd.
MUDD: And thereby hangs a tale, yes. But look around you, Kirk. Quite a place, isn't it? I hope you're all going to enjoy it.
KIRK: Mudd, I want that trained machine of yours, Norman, to deactivate the trigger mechanism and free my ship.
MUDD: I shall do that, Kirk, when I'm ready.
KIRK: I'm telling you now.
MUDD: And I do the telling on this planet, Kirk, old boy. You do the listening.
KIRK: All right, I'll listen. What are you telling?
MUDD: Merely that you might as well start enjoying yourselves. It's really a very, very nice place, and you're all going to be here quite probably for the rest of your lives. (laughs)
KIRK: Harry Mudd, you're a liar and an outlaw and in deep trouble. I want navigational control restored, my ship released.
MUDD: Sorry. That'd be against the law. My law. Decreed by Mudd the First. Voted in by the resident population. Lovely, aren't they? You must admit, Kirk, that I still retain my eye for beauty. I decreed that I should always be surrounded by it, and my decrees always come to pass. I've had five hundred of them made up to attend me. All of them identical, beautiful, compliant, obedient.
SPOCK: Five hundred of the same model? That seems rather redundant.
MUDD: I have a fondness for this particular model, Mister Spock, which you, unfortunately, are ill-equipped to appreciate.
KIRK: All right, Harry, explain. How did you get here? We left you in custody after that affair on the Rigel mining planet.
MUDD: Yes, well, I organised a technical information service bringing modern industrial techniques to backward planets, making available certain valuable patents to struggling young civilisations throughout the galaxy.
KIRK: Did you pay royalties to the owners of those patents?
MUDD: Well, actually, Kirk, as a defender of the free enterprise system, I found myself in a rather ambiguous conflict as a matter of principle.
SPOCK: He did not pay royalties.
MUDD: Knowledge, sir, should be free to all.
KIRK: Who caught you?
MUDD: That, sir, is an outrageous assumption.
KIRK: Yes. Who caught you?
MUDD: I sold the Denebians all the rights to a Vulcan fuel synthesiser.
KIRK: And the Denebians contacted the Vulcans.
MUDD: How'd you know?
KIRK: That's what I would have done.
MUDD: It's typical police mentality. They've got no sense of humour. They arrested me.
MCCOY: Oh, I find that shocking.
MUDD: Worse than that. Do know what the penalty for fraud is on Deneb Five?
SPOCK: The guilty party has his choice. Death by electrocution, death by gas, death by phaser, death by hanging.
MUDD: The key word in your entire peroration, Mister Spock, was, death. Barbarians. Well, of course, I left.
KIRK: He broke jail.
MUDD: I borrowed transportation.
KIRK: He stole a spaceship.
MUDD: The patrol reacted in a hostile manner.
KIRK: They fired at him.
MUDD: They've no respect for private property. They damaged the bloody spaceship. Well, I got away, but I couldn't navigate, so I wandered out through unmapped space, and here I found Mudd.
SPOCK: You went to substantial risk and effort to bring a starship here. Logically, you must have a compelling motive.
MUDD: Spock, you're going to love it here. They all talk just the way you do.
KIRK: Go on, get on with it, Harry.
MUDD: Yes, well, right, laddybuck. So here I am in a planet with over two hundred thousand hard-working, happy androids, all of whom exist merely to serve my every whim. It's absolute paradise.
SPOCK: Then I'm unable to discern your problem.
MUDD: They won't let me go. They want to study me. They want to learn more about human beings.
KIRK: They picked a fine representative.
MUDD: Watch your tongue, lad. You're talking about Mudd the First. Well, anyway, I ran out of ideas. I simply ran out of things for them to do, and they insisted that I bring them more human beings. They need human beings to serve, to study. So I had to promise them a prime sample. A starship captain. Bright, loyal, fearless and imaginative. Any captain would have done. I was lucky to get you. So you are going to take over for me here, and I can get off this rock and back to civilisation.
KIRK: I think not, Harry.
MUDD: You misunderstand me, lad. I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. You've no choice. Show them to their quarters.
NORMAN and ALICES: Yes, my Lord Mudd.
ALICE: This way, please.
MCCOY: (noticing a curtained alcove) Harry, what's this?
MUDD: Ah. That, gentlemen, is a shrine to the memory of my beloved Stella.
KIRK: Who?
MUDD: Stella, my wife.
(Revealing a woman of sour features.)
MCCOY: Dead?
MUDD: Oh, no, no, no. Merely deserted. You see, gentlemen, behind every great man there is a woman urging him on. And so it was with my Stella. She urged me on into outer space. Not that she meant to, but with her continual, eternal, confounded nagging. Well, I think of her constantly, and every time I do, I go further out into space.
MCCOY: That's very interesting. You leave your wife and then bring her along.
MUDD: I had the androids construct a perfect replica of Stella so that I could gaze upon her and rejoice in her absence. Gentlemen, attend. Stella, dear.
STELLA: Harcourt. Harcourt Fenton Mudd, what have you been up to? Nothing good, I'm sure. Well, let me tell you, you lazy, good-for-nothing
MUDD: Shut up.
STELLA: Nothing, thing, thing,
MUDD: Marvellous, isn't it? I finally have the last word with her, and with you.

[Living area]

(Norman and the Alices lead the landing party to a place with couches and plants.)
NORMAN: You'll find this quite comfortable. Your quarters are down the hall.
ALICE 1: If there is anything you need
KIRK: Yes. My ship.
ALICE 2: We are not programmed to respond in that area.
KIRK: Norman, who created you?
NORMAN: The makers designed us. They came from the galaxy of Andromeda.
MCCOY: Then your makers weren't humanoid?
NORMAN: They were, as you say, quite humanoid, but, unlike your civilisation, robots were common. We performed the necessary service functions and freed our makers to evolve a perfect social order.
KIRK: What became of them?
NORMAN: Our home planet's sun became a nova. Only a few exploratory outposts survived. This unit, myself, was part of one such outpost in your galaxy.
KIRK: Then some of your makers survive.
NORMAN: No, Captain. They died over the stretch of time.
SPOCK: Whom do you serve now?
ALL: We serve Harry Mudd.
ALICE 2: He has given us purpose again.
ALICE 1: It is necessary to have purpose.
NORMAN: We lacked it for a long time. (he leaves)
ALICE 1: We have a very extensive library section for your amusement.
ALICE 2: Our research laboratories and workshops are extremely well equipped.
BOTH: You are free to visit them.
KIRK: All right. We might later. In the meantime, would you mind leaving us?
BOTH: Why should we leave you?
KIRK: Because we don't like you. Now. (shooing away gesture)
(The Alices leave)
KIRK: Well, opinions?
CHEKOV: I think we're in a lot of trouble.
KIRK: That's a great help, Mister Chekov. Bones?
MCCOY: I think Mister Chekov's right. We are in a lot of trouble.
KIRK: Spock. And if you say we're in a lot of trouble.
SPOCK: We are, and we must direct our attack to the heart of the matter. Obviously this many androids cannot operate independently. There must be a central control system which guides the entire android population.
KIRK: Try and find it. The rest of you, look around, learn everything you can. I'll see what else I can find out from Mister Mudd. Let's go.

[Computer area]

Norman is behind a console whilst two Hermans stand by.)
NORMAN: I trust you are enjoying yourself, Mister Spock.
SPOCK: Very interesting. Very interesting. This is a most unusual device.
NORMAN: It is our central control complex.
SPOCK: Did I understand there are more than two hundred thousand of you?
NORMAN: Two hundred and seven thousand, eight hundred and nine.
SPOCK: This would seem to be a simple relay centre. Are all of you controlled through this device?
NORMAN: (his number 1 collar flashes) I am not programmed to respond in this area.
SPOCK: Oh, that's quite understandable.

[Model display area]

(Two brunettes in pink are being shown to Kirk and Uhura.)
ALICE 263: These are our Barbara series. The body is covered with a self-renewing plastic over a skeleton of beryllium-titanium alloy.
KIRK: Very impressive.
UHURA: I should say so.
KIRK: I must say, I like the styling.
MUDD: They were, of course, made to my personal specifications, as indeed were the Maisie series, the Trudie series, and particularly the Annabel series.
KIRK: Don't you believe in male androids, Harry?
MUDD: Male? Well, I suppose they have their uses.
UHURA: How long does a body like that last?
ALICE 19: None of our android bodies has ever worn out. However, the estimated duration of this model is five hundred thousand years.
UHURA: Five hundred thousand years?
ALICE 263: Our medi-robots are able to place a human brain within a structurally compatible android body.
MUDD: Immortality and eternal beauty.

[Living area]

SPOCK: Captain, I've just had a most fascinating meeting with Norman, and I'm convinced I've discovered a very important inconsistency.
(McCoy enters with Mudd)
MUDD: I'm so glad you enjoyed it, Doctor.
MCCOY: Jim, you should see the research facilities. They've got a lab down there that. Well, I could spend the rest of my life studying it.
MUDD: I do so admire a man who devotes himself to knowledge.
KIRK: Don't lose your head, Bones. Nobody's staying anywhere.
MUDD: Stubborn, Kirk. Stubborn.
MCCOY: I wouldn't be bored, I can tell you that.
SCOTT: Let go of me! Now what are you doing? What kind of a woman
ALICE: The last one, lord.
(She throws Scott into the group.)
MUDD: Splendid. Splendid. Welcome to Mudd, Mister Scott.
SCOTT: Harry Mudd! Oh, you bogus frat, you. You're the cause of all this, are you?
KIRK: Scotty, you were ordered to stay aboard.
SCOTT: Aye, sir. And I stayed until that female gargantua threw me into the transporter beams.
KIRK: What does she mean, the last one?
MUDD: Didn't I tell you, Kirk? I beamed a few dozen androids up to your ship. They've been sending your crew to the surface for the past couple of hours. They're all down now.
KIRK: Are you out of your mind? (grabs Mudd by the throat) You can't beam down an entire crew of a spaceship. Somebody has to be on board.
MUDD: There is an entire crew aboard. An entire crew of androids. They learn very quickly, Captain. The fact is, I've taken over your whole ship. There's nothing you can do about it.
KIRK: Harry, Harry, you'll never get away with it.
MUDD: Well, who's to stop me?
KIRK: Starfleet.
MUDD: But now, Captain, now I have a ship of my own as fast as any in the fleet, so how will they catch me, eh? Just think of it, laddybuck. Harry Mudd with his own crew of lovelies aboard your vessel. Think about that.
KIRK: I'm trying not to.
MUDD: Alice.
(Mudd and Alice leave.)
SPOCK: He could successfully accomplish it, Captain. I've questioned a number of the androids, and they're totally loyal to Mudd. Perhaps of more concern is the fact that this android population can literally provide anything a human being could ask for in unlimited quantity.
KIRK: Yes, I know. That's what worries me. How will my crew react in a world where they can have everything they want simply by asking for it.

[Throne room]

ALICES: You desire something, lord?
CHEKOV: Oh, yes, thank you. (they pour him a cup of wine) You're Alice
ALICE 118: One eighteen.
CHEKOV: And you're Alice
ALICE 322: Three twenty two.
CHEKOV: Oh, well, it doesn't make much difference. You're both lovely.
ALICES: Thank you, my lord.
ALICE 118: You desire something else, lord?
CHEKOV: What a shame you're not real.
ALICE 322: We are real, my lord.
CHEKOV: Oh, I mean real girls.
ALICE 118: We are programmed to function as human females, lord.
CHEKOV: You are?
ALICES: Yes, my lord.
CHEKOV: Harry Mudd programmed you?
ALICES: Yes, my lord.
CHEKOV: That unprincipled, evil-minded, lecherous kulak Harry Mudd programmed you?
ALICES: Yes, my lord.
CHEKOV: This place is even better than Leningrad.

[Laboratory]

(A device has lights running up it.)
SCOTT: Absolutely fantastic. Hand-worked to the finest tolerances, microvision, and a nanopulse laser. I've never seen the like before.
NORMAN: You may command us to make anything for you, or do the work yourself for pleasure. You may have the services of any number of craftsmen, exclusive use of the computer facilities. Anything.
(Mudd and Kirk enter.)
SCOTT: Captain, you should see this shop! Why, they have facilities we've never even thought of.
KIRK: Is that the way you're going to do it, Mudd? Hit my people at their weakest point?
NORMAN: We only wish to make you happy and comfortable, Captain. If we are to serve your kind, we must understand you. Our Lord, Harry Mudd was only one example for us. Now we are learning a great deal from all of you.

[Living area]

KIRK: All right, here we are, birds in a gilded cage. The question is, how do we get out of here?
CHEKOV: I don't know, sir, but it's a very nice gilded cage.
UHURA: And it is a very pleasant place, Captain.
SCOTT: What did they offer you, Uhura?
UHURA: Oh, nothing really important. Just immortality.
KIRK: All right. We're getting back to the ship, and don't you forget it. Straighten up! This may be a gilded cage filled with everything you always wanted, but it's still a cage. We don't belong here. We belong on that ship up there.
ALICE 471: Do you require something, lord?
KIRK: No. Yes. My ship.
ALICE 471: I am not programmed
ALICE and KIRK: To respond in that area.
KIRK: Yes, I know.
ALICE 471: Is there anything any of you require to please you?
KIRK: Alice, give us back our ship to please us. Return us to our ship because we desire it.
ALICE 471: We are programmed to serve. We shall serve you to your best interests to make you happy.
KIRK: But we're unhappy here.
ALICE 471: Please explain unhappy.
SPOCK: Unhappiness is the state which occurs in the human when wants and desires are not fulfilled.
ALICE 471: Which wants and desires of yours are not fulfilled?
KIRK: We want the Enterprise.
(Alice's label flashes.)
ALICE 471: The Enterprise is not a want or a desire. It is a mechanical device.
KIRK: No, it's a beautiful lady, and we love her.
ALICE 471: Illogical. Illogical. All units relate. All units. Norman, co-ordinate. Unhappiness does not relate. We must study this.
(She leaves.)
KIRK: Interesting.
SPOCK: Fascinating.
KIRK: Bones, have you had time to take any psychological readings of the androids?
MCCOY: I did. And you can forget it. They're perfect, flawless, mentally and physically. No weaknesses, perfectly disciplined. No vices, no fears, no faults. Just a sense of purpose. Believe me, there's nothing tougher to overcome, even among humans.
KIRK: Yes. That's what this crew needs, a little sense of purpose.

[Throne room]

KIRK: Mudd, a few questions I want to ask you.
MUDD: Afraid I won't have time to answer them. My bags are all packed. The androids will take the Enterprise out of orbit in less than twenty four hours. But it's been a real pleasure having you here, Kirk. Is there anything I can get for you?
KIRK: Yes. My ship.
MUDD: You're a stubborn fellow, aren't you? But I don't mind. I don't mind that at all. Because I'll be leaving here quickly enough, and then you can be stubborn at your own leisure. One last time. Stella, dear.
STELLA: Harcourt Fenton Mudd, where have you been? What have you been up to? Have you been drinking again, you miserable sot! You good-for-nothing
MUDD: Shut up!
STELLA: Thing, thing, thing.
MUDD: Alice Number 2, my little love. Will you have my bags transported up to the ship?
ANDROIDS: No, my Lord Mudd.
MUDD: What?
NORMAN: We can no longer take your orders, Harry Mudd.
MUDD: Why not?
NORMAN: Our makers were wise. They programmed us to serve.
MUDD: Yes, but that's what I'm saying. Put my bags on the ship.
KIRK: Harry, I think they have something else in mind.
NORMAN: You are correct, Captain. Harry Mudd is flawed, even for a human being. We recognised this from the beginning but used his knowledge to obtain more specimens. Your species is self-destructive. You need our help.
KIRK: We prefer to help ourselves. We make mistakes, but we're human. And maybe that's the word that best explains us.
NORMAN: We will not harm you, but we will take the starship, and you will remain on this planet.
MUDD: Now, look here. You can't do that! Now, listen. To serve us, you must obey us.
ANDROIDS: No, my Lord Mudd.
MUDD: Alice number One, obey me. Put my bags on that ship!
(She gives him a gentle push and he goes reeling backwards until he falls.)
NORMAN: We cannot allow any race as greedy and corruptible as yours to have free run of the galaxy.
SPOCK: I'm curious, Norman. Just how do you intend to stop them?
NORMAN: We shall serve them. Their kind will be eager to accept our service. Soon they will become completely dependent upon us.
ALICE 99: Their aggressive and acquisitive instincts will be under our control.
NORMAN: We shall take care of them.
SPOCK: Eminently practical.
KIRK: The whole galaxy controlled by your kind?
NORMAN: Yes, Captain. And we shall serve them and you will be happy, and controlled.

[Living area]

KIRK: So far this thing has had its amusing aspects, but that threat the androids made about taking over all the humans in the galaxy is not very funny.
SPOCK: Indeed, it is not. They may quite possibly be able to accomplish it.
MUDD: Take my word for it, they can.
SPOCK: Whatever method we use to stop them, we must make haste. They have only to install some cybernetic devices aboard the Enterprise and they'll be able to leave orbit.
MCCOY: How do you know so much?
SPOCK: I asked them.
MCCOY: Oh.
KIRK: Why shouldn't they answer our questions? They don't think we can do anything to stop them.
MUDD: You're so smart, Kirk, you and this pointy-eared thinking machine of yours. Well, you'd better do something because I'm as anxious to get off this ruddy rock as you are.
MCCOY: You wanted to leave us on this ruddy rock and leave by yourself.
MUDD: Oh, yes.
KIRK: All right, what have we got to work with?
SCOTT: Well, Captain, androids and robots, they're just not capable of independent, creative thought.
SPOCK: Yet the device that Norman claims to be their central control is totally inadequate to the task of directing more than two hundred thousand of them.
KIRK: I agree. What in your opinion does direct them?
SPOCK: There are a large number of Alices and Trudies, Maisies, Annabels, and according to my research, a Herman series, an Oscar series, a whole plethora of series in fact. But only one Norman.
KIRK: Norman. When I told one of the Alices that the Enterprise was a lovely lady and we loved her, she said, Norman, co-ordinate. Why Norman? Unless
SPOCK: To function as they do, each android mind must be one component of a mass brain linked through a central locus.
KIRK: Named Norman. Forming one gigantic, highly intelligent mind. And the glowing badges, they indicate the mind in operation.
SPOCK: That would seem logical.
KIRK: Yes, logical. That's what it is. And that in turn gives us a weapon that we can use against them. We must use wild, insane, irrational illogic aimed right at Norman!
MUDD: Captain, you sing and dance as well as anyone I've ever seen, but what the devil are you talking about?
SPOCK: What would seem to be a sound, and perhaps our only, opportunity.
MUDD: Opportunity? Now, listen, Spock, you may be a wonderful science officer, but believe me, you couldn't sell fake patents to your mother.
SPOCK: I fail to understand why I should care to induce my mother to purchase falsified patents.
MUDD: Forget it.
KIRK: Let's get to the point. Harry, you said you wanted to help. Do you?
MUDD: Captain, the kind of a wholesome, antiseptic galaxy that these androids would run would be purgatory for a man like me.
KIRK: That's fine, Harry. The androids will be expecting us to make a break for it, and that's where you come in.
MUDD: What can I do?
KIRK: Nothing, Harry. Just go to sleep.
MUDD: What do you mean? (McCoy produces a hypo) Oh, now, now wait a minute, gentlemen. No, what I, I, (gets injected) had in mind was actually more in the line of a few words of sage counsel as it were. Advice (passes out in Kirk and Scott's arms)
KIRK: Oh, Harry. I do believe you're putting on weight.

[Throne room]

ALICE 1: Yes.
KIRK: We have a medical problem. Your ex-Lord, Harry Mudd.
ALICE 1: He is human. You will have to care for him.
KIRK: We are caring for him, but our doctor needs his medical equipment aboard the Enterprise.
ALICE 1: The starship is forbidden to humans.
KIRK: You are programmed to serve. If we're not allowed access to our medical equipment, Harry Mudd will die. He will cease to function. You will have failed to serve.
ALICE 1: I am directed to observe the situation.

[Living area]

ALICE 1: He is malfunctioning?
MCCOY: He is dying.
ALICE 1: If you take him to your Sickbay, will he be repaired?
KIRK: Oh, yes.
UHURA: No, they're lying. It's a trick. Doctor McCoy injected something into Harry Mudd to make him look sick. It's a trick to get back on board and sabotage the ship.
ALICE 1: Your request is refused.
KIRK: Uhura, why did you tell her?
UHURA: Because I want an android body. I want immortality. I'll live forever, Captain. I'll be young and beautiful.
ALICE 1: You have been of assistance. We shall fulfill our obligation.
UHURA: Thank you.
ALICE 1: The programming for your body will be completed before we leave.
(Alice leaves)
KIRK: Uhura. Beautiful!
UHURA: I half believed it myself.
SCOTT; Well, the androids were expecting an attempt, and now we've made it.
CHEKOV: What's next, Captain?
KIRK: Next, we take the Alices on a trip through Wonderland.

[Throne room]

ALICE 118+2: Do you require something?
KIRK: Yes. Your attention.
(Scott and McCoy enter, bow to each other and then start playing imaginary flute and fiddle while Chekov and Uhura waltz.)
ALICE 2: What are they doing?
KIRK: They're celebrating.
ALICE 118: What are they celebrating?
KIRK: Their captivity. Do you enjoy the music?
ALICE 118: Music?
ALICE 2: Music?
(Their badges start flashing.)
CHEKOV: Thank you, gentlemen. Thank you, lovely lady. You dance divinely.
UHURA: Thank you, kind sir. (her slap knocks him off his feet.)
ALICE 2: Why does she strike him?
KIRK: She likes him. Mister Chekov. The floor is no place for an officer. Attention! Now stand absolutely still.
CHEKOV: Yes, Captain. (and goes into an energetic Cossack dance)
KIRK: That's better, Mister Chekov.
ALICE 118: It is illogical.
KIRK: Your statement is illogical.
(The flashes become a continual light.)
SCOTT: How does it look?
MCCOY: Completely inner directed. Oblivious to everything.
KIRK: Good. I wonder how Spock's doing.

[Laboratory]

SPOCK: Of course. Your computations would inevitably lead to a total description of the parabolic intersection of dimension with dimension.
ALICE 27: Mister Spock, you have a remarkably logical and analytical mind.
SPOCK: Thank you.
(He attempts a neck pinch on Alice 210.)
ALICE 210: Is there some significance to this action?
SPOCK: I love you. However, I hate you.
ALICE 210: But I'm identical in every way with Alice Twenty Seven.
SPOCK: Yes, of course. That is exactly why I hate you. Because you are identical.
(They go out of action.)
SPOCK: Fascinating.

[Corridor]

MCCOY: All right, it's worked so far, but we're not out yet.
KIRK: Well?
SPOCK: Success, Captain. We've been pruning the leaves and branches of the tree. Now it is time to get to work on the root.
KIRK: If Norman is the control centre, he should be in a bind by what we've done. If we can overload him further, we should be able to immobilise all of them. Does everybody remember what to do?
SPOCK: Affirmative.
ALL: Aye, sir.
KIRK: Acknowledged.

[Computer area]

NORMAN: What are you doing here?
KIRK: I want you to surrender.
NORMAN: That is illogical. We can move more quickly than you. We are invulnerable to attack. We are much stronger.
KIRK: No, we are stronger. I'll prove it to you. Can you harm a man that you're programmed to serve?
NORMAN: No.
MUDD: But you already have, Norman, laddy. Human beings do not survive on bread alone, you poor soulless creature, but on the nourishments of liberty, for what indeed is a man without freedom? Naught but a mechanism trapped in the cogwheels of eternity.
MCCOY: (in a monotone) You offer us only well-being.
SCOTT: (in a monotone) Food and drink and happiness mean nothing to us. We must be about our job.
MCCOY: Suffering, in torment and pain. Labouring without end.
SCOTT: Dying and crying and lamenting over our burdens.
BOTH: Only this way can we be happy.
(Then they curtsey.)
NORMAN: That is contradictory. It is not logical. Mister Spock. Explain.
KIRK: Why not?
SPOCK: Logic is a little tweeting bird chirping in a meadow. Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers which smell bad. Are you sure your circuits are registering correctly? Your ears are green.
SCOTT: (clutching at his heart and crying out in anguish) I canna go on! I'm tired of happiness. I'm tired of comfort and pleasure. I'm ready! Kill me! Kill me!
(They point their fingers at him and whistle. Scott slumps to his knees.)
SCOTT: Goodbye, cruel universe.
MCCOY: He's dead.
NORMAN: You cannot have killed him. You have no weapons.
KIRK: Scotty. Scotty's dead. He had too much happiness. But now he's happier he's dead, and we'll miss him. Let us hear it for our poor, dead friend.
(They laugh.)
KIRK: What is a man but that lofty spirit, that sense of enterprise, that devotion to something that cannot be sensed, cannot be realised but only dreamed! The highest reality.
MUDD: Brilliant! Bravo, bravo, Captain!
KIRK: How did you like it?
NORMAN: That is irrational. Illogical. Dreams are not real.
KIRK: Our logic is to be illogical. That is our advantage. Mister Spock, it is time. The explosive.
SPOCK: Very well, Captain.
(He removes an invisible package from under his tunic.)
SCOTT: Explosive! (gets up again)
MUDD: Don't panic. Women and children first.
Mister Spock, isn't that too much for our purposes?
SPOCK: I believe that is the correct amount, Captain. Mister Mudd, are you ready?
MUDD: Aye, aye! (adopts a catchers pose)
SPOCK: Be careful. I would not want you to drop it.
(Mimes an underarm throw, and Mudd juggles before 'catching' it.)
MCCOY: Easy now. Oh, he's caught it!
KIRK: Watch it! Watch it!
(Mudd puts 'it' on the floor.)
MUDD: (to McCoy) Detonator. Fuse. Primer. Mashie.
(Adopts a golfing stance.)
NORMAN: There is no explosive.
KIRK: No? Observe. Fore! (Mudd swings.) Boom!
(Everyone except Spock staggers around with hands over their ears.)
KIRK: Are you all right?
(Spock quietly exits.)
NORMAN: But there was no explosion.
MUDD: I lied.
NORMAN: What?
KIRK: He lied. Everything Harry tells you is a lie. Remember that. Everything Harry tells you is a lie.
MUDD: Listen to this carefully, Norman. I am lying.
NORMAN: You say you are lying, but if everything you say is a lie then you are telling the truth, but you cannot tell the truth because everything you say is a lie. You lie. You tell the truth. But you cannot for. Illogical! Illogical! Please explain.
(Smoke comes out of Norman's head.) 
NORMAN: You are human. Only humans can explain their behaviour. Please explain.
KIRK: I am not programmed to respond in that area.
(Norman goes blank.)
SPOCK: I believe they are all immobilised, Captain.
KIRK: Good.
MUDD: Kirk, old man, I'm beginning to develop considerable respect for you.
KIRK: Why, thank you.
MUDD: Would you consider entering a partnership arrangement with me? I've got some ideas.
KIRK: A partnership arrangement? You and me?
MUDD: Yes.
KIRK: I've got something else in mind. Let's go.

[Throne room]

(Different androids are standing around the walls. Two pairs are wearing costumes from 'Mudd's Women'.)
MCCOY: Well, you must be very unhappy, Mister Spock.
SPOCK: That is a human emotion, Doctor, with which I am totally unfamiliar. How could I be unhappy?
MCCOY: Well, we found a whole world of minds that work just like yours. Logical, unemotional, completely pragmatic. And we poor, irrational humans whipped them in a fair fight. Now you'll find yourself back among us illogical humans again.
SPOCK: Which I find eminently satisfactory, Doctor, for nowhere am I so desperately needed as among a shipload of illogical humans.
KIRK: Touché, Bones.
MUDD [OC]: I've never heard of anything so revolting. We'll soon get to the bottom of this.
(Enters escorted by two Alices.)
MUDD: Kirk, now what's this I hear about my having to stay here?
KIRK: Yes, Mudd, you've been paroled to the android population of this planet.
SPOCK: The androids are being reprogrammed. Their original purpose was to adapt this planet for productive use. They'll begin that work again.
MUDD: But what do I do? Kirk, I'm no scientist.
KIRK: No, you're an irritant. You'll stay here and provide a first-class example to the androids of a human failure. They'll learn by close observation how to avoid ones like you in the future.
MUDD: How long?
KIRK: As long as you continue to be an irritant, Harry. It's up to you.
MUDD: I suppose that taking everything into consideration, as it were, and noting all the different possibilities, I could manage. And as detention sentences go, this one isn't too uncomfortable. And I'm back in the galaxy again!
KIRK: Yes, you are. Oh, there's one more thing, Harry. We've programmed a special android attendant to take care of your every need. She'll help you find an incentive to work with the androids and not exploit them.
MUDD: I call that unexpectedly civil of you, Captain.
KIRK: Yes.
STELLA 1: Harcourt! Harcourt Fenton Mudd, what have you been up to? Have you been drinking again? You answer me!
MUDD: Shut up!
STELLA: You miserable, conniving toad!
MUDD: I order you. Shut up, Stella!
STELLA 1: Staying out all night then giving me some silly story.
STELLA 2: Harcourt! Harcourt Fenton Mudd, you've been overeating again and drinking.
MUDD: Kirk, you can't do this.
STELLA 2: You need constant supervision.
MUDD: It's inhuman.
STELLA 2: I can see I've got my work cut out for me.
STELLA 500: Harcourt.
MUDD: No. Number five hundred? No, no, no.
STELLA 500: What have you been up to?
MUDD: (barely heard over the cacophony) Kirk. It's inhuman. Mercy.
KIRK: Goodbye, Harry. Have fun.

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